Here’s a question for you, SCP Explained
fans. What do the following items have in common:
A romance novel about long-dead KFC Founder Colonel Harland Sanders, a 27-pound bucket
of mac and cheese, radioactive uranium ore, and a wallet that looks like a pair of tighty-whities
with skid marks. You can buy them all on Amazon. Amazon. It’s one of the world’s largest online
retailers, famous for its wide range of products and services, its generally pretty reliable
delivery, and its appalling treatment of its workers. It’s also really, really weird. Seeing as almost anyone can set up a store
on Amazon, and the fact it’s one of the most popular storefronts in the world, it’s
natural that a huge number of lovable nutcases would set up shop and ply their super bizarre
trade. There’s such a breadth of weird items you
can buy on Amazon that it seems almost… Anomalous. And nobody knows this better than one of the
SCP Foundation’s greatest and most eccentric researchers, Dr. Jack Bright. What does Dr. Bright have to do with weird
Amazon purchases? It’s a hell of a story, and it begins, like
many stories at the SCP Foundation do, with SCP-682, the Hard to Destroy Reptile, breaching
containment and killing a hell of a lot of people. This latest containment breach actually comes
as a result of what one might professionally call “a major booboo” by Junior Researcher
Eliot Hayberg. Sadly for young Dr. Hayberg, this actually
happened on the first day of his new research assignment on the SCP-682 termination project
- Which seemed about as likely to bear fruit as attempts to find pots full of leprechaun
gold at the end of nearby rainbows, of course, carried out by MTF Omega-420, also known as
“The Luck of the Irish.” But that’s another video entirely. Needless to say, as he helped the janitorial
staff mop up all the blood while a group of guards carried a heavily injured 682 back
to its cell, Dr. Hayberg felt pretty bummed about this whole situation. Of course, the loss of life caused by Hayberg’s
cross-test was a tragedy, but he also felt terrible for letting his bosses down on his
first day. Aside from quite literally dying or being
given a fate worse than death by some horrifying anomaly, this was really the worst way to
start a first day at the SCP Foundation. Dr. Bright, a Foundation veteran by anyone’s
definition, noticed that Dr. Hayberg was looking upset and decided to go and offer some sage
advice - While also taking an opportunity to tell one of his trademark tall tales. Was it a true story? Who knows, but it was certainly true that
it was a story. “Don’t beat yourself up,” Dr. Bright
said, giving Dr. Hayberg a comforting, fatherly pat on the shoulder. “682 gets out and kills a bunch of people
every month. It’s no biggie. I’ve made way bigger mistakes than this
- compared to the Amazon Incident, this is nothing.” The advice immediately made Dr. Hayberg feel
a little better, but he was also immediately curious, replying: “The Amazon Incident? I can’t say I’m familiar with that…” Almost as though Dr. Bright had only comforted
Dr. Hayberg in the first place to give himself an opportunity to tell his story, he sat the
Junior Researcher down and immediately began to spin his yarn… A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away,
Dr. Bright was having one of his rare slow days. He sat around his office, occasionally spinning
around on his office chair and contemplating life, the universe, and everything. The funny thing about being immortal is that
it makes your time utterly worthless. Death is a fantastic motivator because it
means that no matter how many times you say to yourself, “Ehhh, I’ll do it later”,
you know that someday there’ll be no more later. It starts a fire under you and gets you moving. But when you’re immortal like Dr. Bright,
thanks to his SCP-963 medallion, there’s always going to be a “later” to foist
your problems onto until the sun expands and devours the earth in billions of years' time. Today, however, Dr. Bright decided to spend
his time looking into the rates of containment breaches at Site-19, and pondering how exactly
he could reduce these numbers. Site-19 had impeccable security and a wide
range of elite containment specialists, but while these factors can help address containment
breaches when they happen, Dr. Bright wanted to instead treat the cause of containment
breaches rather than treating them symptomatically. In other words, rather than preventing successful
breaches from anomalies, Dr. Bright wanted to figure out how to stop anomalies from wanting
to breach containment in the first place. That’s when he had a brainwave. A few weeks earlier, he’d read an article
about the revolutionary Norwegian prison system, which used a high quality of life in prison
with a great degree of inmate enrichment to slash recidivism rates. This, to Dr. Bright, seemed like a fascinating
idea: If he gave a bunch of the more problematic sentient and sapient anomalies better enrichment,
then perhaps they’d be too busy enjoying themselves to want to break out and cause
chaos elsewhere. And Dr. Bright had an ingenious way of finding
the right enrichment for the many anomalies under Site-19’s care, and even beyond: He’d
give them computers or smartphones with fixed access to Amazon.com, where they could build
up their wish lists and give him a starting point for what kind of objects and activities
might be ideal enrichment for each of the anomalies in question. As far as Dr. Bright had figured, there would
be no way that this new plan could possibly go wrong. All he needed to do was get started. So, over the next several days, Dr. Bright
devoted himself to giving a cavalcade of anomalies devices locked on the Amazon app, and told
them to spend some time browsing, adding any items that they thought they might like to
the wishlist for later consideration. It was the exact kind of deranged genius that
only a maverick like Jack Bright could muster, and in the days and hours that followed, reams
of fascinating data rolled in. Huge numbers of anomalies picked incredibly
bizarre products for their wish lists, and in seeing which anomalies picked, he got an
unprecedented look into the minds of some of the Foundation’s most infamous inmates. And of course, we’re gonna tell you about
some of the craziest ones. What kind of monsters would we be to play
those cards close to our chest? These are some of the weirdest Amazon products
that the different anomalies added to their wishlists - And we’re sorry to inform you,
it’s gonna get even wilder after that. First, to bring things full circle, there’s
SCP-682 - who was temporarily dragged out of the acid tank he’s permanently melting
in and given an iPhone. After eating the first three iPhones, and
throwing the next several at guards at such incredible speeds that it caused considerable
injuries, he finally begrudgingly agreed to play along. After scrolling for a considerable amount
of time, 682 added bacon strip bandages, which he intended to gift to guards and researchers
to make them taste better. He also added a taco sleeping bag for the
exact same reasons. And the exotic meats beef jerky, because honestly,
Foundation staff and dead cows get a little samey after a while. And yes, before you ask, everything featured
in this video is an incredibly weird, real Amazon product. We honestly kind of wish we were kidding. Next, Dr. Bright started collecting the data
from SCP-106’s wishlist. The deranged and sadistic Old Man seemed to
enjoy nothing but doling out pain to his victims, but given the seemingly limitless purview
of Amazon, he went a little nuts. First, he added the Hatch Your Own Spiders
Terrarium, perhaps believing that filling his pocket dimension with thousands of spiders
would make it an even more delightfully miserable place for his victims. As a delicious snack fit for an evil old anomalous
lunatic, he decided to add some Canned Edible Smoked Rattlesnake. And of course, he also threw on a Human Head
Stress Ball - so he could simulate torturing a human head without actually needing to access
one. Dr. Bright was fascinated by the bizarre spectrum
of results so far, so he next moved onto the Amazon wishlist of SCP-076-2, also known as
Able - with whom Dr. Bright had a long-standing grudge. Able, upon resurrection, had to be restrained
by a massive amount of industrial-strength straps typically used to hold elephants in
place during surgery. After a solid 48 hours of relentless struggling,
they were finally able to get Able to dictate his wishlist picks to a Foundation researcher
at a nearby computer. His first pick was, predictably, a Chef'sChoice
Trizor XV EdgeSelect Professional Electric Knife Sharpener - for completely obvious reasons. He then added a book called “Weapons, a
Pictorial History” for some light reading around his favorite subject. And of course, he also added a vast collection
of Temporary Tattoos, because it’d been a while since he got his last badass battle
tat, but didn’t quite feel ready to commit to something at this time. Next came SCP-2273, Major Alexei Belitrov,
an alternate history’s Russian militant trapped in a biomechanical weapon of war. He first added an Oversized Bread Pillow,
which made him nostalgic for the Russian bread line days of his childhood. Next, he threw on a self-sustaining aquatic
ecosphere - After all, in his native timeline, almost all life was wiped out by nuclear war. It brought him great comfort to have a hand-held
reminder that life still goes on, somewhere. And also, he treated himself to a hand-held,
pump operated Fart Vacuum, cause whenever he farted in his exo-suit and was just stuck
in there with it, it was a truly hellish experience. Of course, Dr. Bright couldn’t resist trying
out his experiment with SCP-049, also known as The Plague Doctor - One of the SCP Foundation’s
more intellectual captives. Predictably, the first item added to his wish
list was a 157-piece set of stainless steel surgical tools. Next, in a fun twist of fate, the Plague Doctor
decided to add a realistic rubber pigeon mask to his wish list. When Dr. Bright later questioned him about
this, he said, “Well, dear boy, this is one of the only masks I’ve ever seen that
will actually fit over my head.” He then added an insulated tote bag with the
words “HUMAN ORGAN FOR TRANSPLANT” printed on the side. Funnily enough, he’d probably be the only
one to actually use it for human organs… Next came SCP-029, also known as the Daughter
of Shadows. Dr. Bright was particularly eager to include
this extremely violent Keter class in his new experiment, because she attempted escape
from containment constantly, so it would save a lot of money and lives to keep her pacified. When she stopped trying to strangle the staff
member giving her the iPhone, she first selected a Skull-Shaped Makeup Brush Holder, which
satisfied two of her greatest passions: Death and being adored. She also bought an instructional book called
“A Girl’s Guide to Femdom”, and a BluRay copy of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Next came the kind but haunted SCP-073, also
known as Cain. The first addition to his wishlist was a pair
of flip-flops with artificial grass along the sole, to simulate the sensation of walking
on grass. Seeing as Cain can’t walk on real grass
without killing it, these grassy sandals would naturally give him some comfort. Next, he added the instructional book Dancing
For Cats, so he could practice his dance moves with Josie the Half-Cat, aka SCP-529. And in a bizarre turn of events, he bought
30 pieces of fake garlic, so he could fantasize about touching garlic without it immediately
dying. Next came SCP-811, the sweet but simple-minded
humanoid amphibian known as the Swamp Woman. Would her Amazon wishlist also be esoterically
wholesome like the anomaly herself? First, she added a stuffed blobfish plush,
commenting “Aaaah, him so sweet” upon clicking “add to wishlist.” She next added a novelty yodeling pickle,
the mere idea of which brought her a great deal of amusement. She also bought a talking hamster toy, largely
due to being extremely lonely most days in containment, and even being willing to tolerate
a pretend rodent with a pre-set selection of phrases as a social substitute. Next came the disembodied brain of the mad
inventor Jeremy Valdez, also known to the SCP Foundation as SCP-2099. As soon as the terminally scatter-brained,
uh, brain, made up his mind, Dr. Bright reviewed the list. First, he added a book called The Brain That
Changes Itself. Next, he nabbed some pretty dubious brain
supplements that the Amazon reviews suggest give the user rather violent diarrhea. And, bafflingly, a Dill Pickle-flavored tube
of lip balm. No, we don’t know how Dr. Valdez intends
to use that, either. Dr. Bright also gave an iPhone locked onto
the Amazon app to Dr. Clef, who isn’t an anomaly contained by the SCP Foundation, but
was still bizarre and enigmatic enough that Dr. Bright was eager to psychoanalyze him
via his Amazon wishlist selections. First, he selected a book entitled “Shotguns:
A Comprehensive Guide.” Next, he threw on an extensive ukulele repair
kit. And of course, a Pooping Pooches Calendar. Stay classy, Dr. Clef. Dr. Bright performed this exact experiment
on hundreds of different anomalies, gaining what he believed to be invaluable data that
could help enrich the containment of so many of them, and thus, prevent countless containment
breaches. This had been such a brilliant plan! Dr. Bright felt beyond pleased with himself,
until he received an incredibly angry-sounding phone call from O5-1. “Jack, you overhyped piece of gaudy jewelry,
what the hell have you done this time!?” Dr. Bright was deeply confused as to why the
O5 Council were so angry at him. He’d been performing one of the most benign
experiments in the history of the SCP Foundation - He hadn’t even needed to kill a single
D-Class, so why all the vitriol? Moments later, though, Dr. Bright would discover
the horrifying error of his ways. You see, when Dr. Bright had given these hundreds
of anomalies iPhones with location services enabled and the Amazon app open, he’d also
forgotten to log out of his account - Which, incidentally, was also twinned to his SCP
Foundation expenses account. In essence, the various anomalies of the SCP
Foundation had ordered tens of thousands of dollars worth of the most bizarre Amazon products
imaginable - And they were heading straight for Site-19. The waste of money would be bad enough, but
the true threat was far more grave: This little mistake had exposed the location of the SCP
Foundation’s biggest containment site to one of its most powerful enemies. And by the looks of things, he was already
on his way. Not long after the fateful order was made,
a fleet of Amazon-branded attack helicopters choked the skies, while fleets of Amazon ground
vehicles approached Site-19 in tight formation. Mobile Task Forces and guards converged around
the perimeter of the site, hoping to fend off the coming attack, but even they were
overwhelmed by the sheer extent of the force coming towards them. Dr. Bright, horrified at the chaos he’d
wrought, ran to the front lines outside the site, ready to take on the new threat with
the Foundation’s finest. That’s when the line of vehicles came to
a stop, and the helicopters continued circling in the sky. Doors opened and heavily-armed soldiers in
tactical gear began to spill out. It was an army like nothing Dr. Bright or
the Foundation had ever seen before. The army split like the red sea, and their
great and terrible leader stepped forwards, muscles rippling out from the sleeves of his
overpriced Hugo Boss vest. It was him. CEO, entrepreneur, born in 1964 - Jeffrey,
Jeffrey Bezos. One of the world’s most ruthless businessmen,
with biceps that could bust skulls like he busted unions. And, little known fact, he’s a man with
close ties to the incredibly wealthy group of interest Marshall, Carter, and Dark Ltd. He was here for one reason and one reason
only: To acquire the SCP Foundation, and add it to his world-devouring conglomerate of
evil. “Don’t worry, Dr. Bright,” he said with
a devious smirk. “Not much will change under my management. I already treat my employees like D-Class
personnel.” But Dr. Bright would never see the SCP Foundation
taken over by such a heartless, self-interested Lex Luthor wannabe. He challenged Jeff Bezos to a one-on-one battle
to decide the fate of the SCP Foundation, seeing as it was his fault and his fault alone
that the location of Site-19 had been revealed to Bezos and his underpaid minions. Bezos agreed to the terms, and the battle
began. Dr. Bright put up his dukes and prepared to
tussle. Bezos, however, flexed his muscles so inhumanly
hard that his vest and shirt exploded into shreds, revealing his surprisingly swole physique
underneath. Little did Dr. Bright know, Bezos had augmented
his body with nanomachines to massively increase his strength and durability. He was now a combatant of truly anomalous
power. How would Dr. Bright possibly win? The two ran towards each other across the
battlefield outside of Site-19, both roaring in animal rage, ready for this clash of the
titans that would determine the fate of the SCP Foundation forever… “...Long story short,” Dr. Bright said
to Dr. Hayberg, who, at this point, was thoroughly confused. “Everything was okay in the end. See? It’s important not to dwell on our mistakes.” “Uh… Thanks, Dr. Bright, I guess?” he said, unsure
if anything Dr. Bright just said to him was true or if it was all some complex, free-associating
fantasy he made up on the spot. Dr. Bright gave him a playful punch in the
shoulder. “Any time, Rookie. Any time.” Now go check out “SCP-963 What Would You
Do If You Were Immortal Like Dr. Jack Bright?” and “DR. BRIGHT FOR PRESIDENT SCP-4444 - Bush v. Gore”
for more wacky misadventures from the immortally silly Dr. Bright!
