Do You Have a Plan to Win With Money?

this is the ramsay show you can be intentional about your character you can have money and a career you are the hero in your story live from headquarters of ramsey solutions broadcasting from the dollar car rental studio this is the ramsey show where america hangs out to have a conversation about your money your life your relationships everything all of it we have a packed house here in nashville tennessee it's good to see everybody and we are taking your calls on life on everything eight eight two five five two two five i'm john dalone joined here with my good friend george campbell and we're gonna take all your calls about any and everything all of them we can't stop them from coming through we could we do what we're told you are correct this is james show and we do what james says because we're in james world that's right you doing well man i'm doing great how are you seeing you in a minute it's been a little bit and i'm excited because we have an event this weekend and we are tag teaming this talk together i'm really excited about tag team back again that's that's before your time yeah no recollection as to what you're referring to yeah you will improve your life if you get into some old hip hop but you'll get there you'll get there thank you i'm triple eight eight two five five two two five let's go to wayne in birmingham alabama hey wayne what's going on brother hey uh i just had a qui i'm an over-the-road truck driver and currently i'm just a company driver but i'm wanting to get my own truck and be an owner operator but i'm currently on baby step two so i i'm just toying with the idea of whether i should put baby step 2 on hold because i want to be able i want to pay cash for my truck and build up the funds that i need to start my truck driving business and everything so let me ask you this wayne what does it cost to start this business um well i i don't i don't really have all the figures as far as a total i know at a minimum it's going to probably cost between 40 and 60 thousand dollars just to get a to get a used semi with it's got decent miles and everything on it so that's what that's what i'm currently looking at getting a semi that's just a few years old that you know maybe around 500 000 miles on it why do you want to move jobs man uh i i just i just i have i just want want to be able to have more freedom as far as you know i'm not real i don't have to take i'm i'm the one that's choosing the loads that i take i choose where i want to go and when i come home and those kinds of things just more more freedom as far as my day-to-day life goes i guess gotcha well if i'm in your shoes i want to get rid of this debt so i cannot have this business be a huge stressor in my life as i'm trying to kick it off and i especially don't want you starting this business off with debt which is going to be hard to do when you're trying to cash flow this expensive truck and you're trying to pay off your debt it's just you're going to be doing too many things at once how much debt do you have uh probably i think around thirty thousand okay what kind of debt is that uh student loans student loans okay and what's your income this year i'm probably looking at probably around 80 or 90. okay that's great well you got a great income uh comparatively to your debt load i think you can clean up this debt within the year and then start saving up for this truck i don't know where you know where the urgency is coming from to start this business tomorrow i know you're itching to do it because of the freedom that you talked about but i think you're going to actually feel that financial peace and feel that freedom when you get out of debt you have the emergency fund and then we can start saving up for that truck and start this business what's yeah what what's the emergency brother i mean it's not really an emergency or anything i just i guess i just feel the itch to have my own truck and with all the freedom things i was talking about yeah i almost at the same time i was sort of feeling the same way as far as the debt i i really wanted that initially when i started thinking about it i i really wanted to be out of debt because i don't i just want to be free of all the debt before starting a business i just feel like i have a lot i won't be as stressed in the busine on the business side if i know if i don't have a whole lot of debt sitting out there exactly yeah i i love the idea of you using this desire to jump jobs to spend a year figuring out what the loads are going to look like what your routes would be finding a good taking time to find a good truck and in the meantime just using this as jet fuel to get that 30 grand paid off so that you can buy this truck and you owe nobody anything and it feels like your you're fantasizing about the freedom you're gonna feel when you own your own small business you have no idea brother what it's gonna feel like when you owe nobody nothing and you have a paid for truck and you're running your own loads and then you are free to run man but thanks for the call brother let's run what's up dude how can we help all right so i got a kind of a unique situation um i graduated about a year ago i'm a full-time travel nurse uh i been driving the same car it's like a 2005 versa for at least five or six years and it's kind of getting come to my attention that i've gotten to the point where i've driven into the ground um i don't want a new car i would drive this car if i could um so i'm not definitely not looking for an excuse to get a new one but since i travel i move about every three months with travel nursing because i work off of contracts and where i go where the money is i'm about 70 000 in debt which i'm working through um and i make i'm trying to think right now with the current contract i'm on i make about 4 000 a week so i'm just trying to figure out with the the current used car situation because i've been on used car lots looking for used cars and trying to trying to find something that's reliable enough where i can drive it cross state lines and lug all my life with me and not be back in the same situation i am here in six more months if i bought something that was about like three grand or even if i can find something like that i'm just kind of looking for some direction on what i should do so you're making you're making four grand a week so yeah right now with this contract yeah so what's your what's your annual take home it's about 150 i know like if you if you signed a contract every time that'd be about 190 what's your what's your overall picture about 150 this year uh right now yeah 1751 yeah around there because i because a lot of it's not taxed because it's a housing stipend yep so i take home i take home about 3 300 a week okay all right and your housing costs are covered too uh no that's part of it so i uh without getting super deep into it i still pay obviously it's a little bit more of a premium because i do airbnb and stuff like that okay usually i try to stay under about like 1500 a month of wherever i'm at which i've been able to do for a while okay and then i have i have to for tax reasons i have to have another house back in in virginia um that i pay a room rent to show just for a weird travel tax reason very cool so i want to get into this because there's several things here that i want to dig into so we're going to run up into a break here and want you to hang on the line dalton and we'll when we come back we're going to george is going to dig into the financial side of this and there's some bigger picture questions i want to walk through with you too brother but thanks for the call we'll be right back george i love being on the show with you man it's a blast all right hey give us a call eight eight two five five two two five we'll be right back on the ramsey show stop paying your overpriced wireless provider and switch to puretalk they use the same network as the larger providers for much less for just 30 a month get unlimited talk text and six gigs of data with no contract the average family saves over seventy dollars a month by switching to pure top just go to puretalk.com and enter the promo code ramsey to save 50 off your first month pure talk simply smarter wireless this is the ramsay show i'm john dalone joined by george campbell we are taking your calls on money life relationships all of it triple eight eight two five five two two five we're going back to dalton in virginia dalton is a traveling nurse and he is wondering about a car this car is as he says come to his attention that he's running into the ground so dalton what does come to your attention mean did it make an announcement just said and your brother does cars do that i'm tired so yes i've been fixing cars with my dad since i was a kid so i've done all my own repairs all my own oil changes and everything and tried to stay up on the maintenance and it's just gotten to the point where it's come to the the repairs that i'm finding that our deck and my heart are on the horizon are going to be more than what the car is worth i mean the car cannot be worth more than 15 hundred dollars and there's some rattling and some things going on and some stuttering that makes me think it's transmission and things that it's like and it's also just not reliable being the fact that i'm miles away from home um and i i it's i love my whole life in it everywhere i go either every three to six months something like that so i'm just worried that i'm gonna be on the way to work one day and it just like crashed out of me and then that would be put me in a situation where i would be like okay i don't have time to look for a new car used car so i have to go buy a new car and i don't want to have to have to do that especially with the used car situation right now because of it and the i guess the semiconductors and them just being not very available right so i'm going to turn over to george but i will say anytime in my life all right i won't project this on to you but anytime in my life i quote unquote feel things in my heart that are on the horizon that would sure be more comfortable if i went ahead just did it now or sure would just you know i'm gonna go ahead and just buy that now is often me projecting a worst case scenario just because i make x number of dollars and i think i should be driving a card looks like this or sure i i i can invent problems that i could just solve right now with a click on amazon or with a new car with the new fill in the blank and um so georgia walked through the numbers with you but as a mechanic as a guy who knows cars and also a guy who loves cars i'd love to hear how honest you are with yourself about could this car make it another 12 months in time for you to take this extraordinary salary and blow this debt out and then go get another car of it go ahead george yeah i'm with john there and i do think you can cash flow this thing with your incredible income but i do want to know how serious are you about getting rid of this debt the 70 000 are you currently paying extra on this oh yeah so um right now i have probably turned it was about 110 over the year um and i wasn't i wasn't making my first year nursing i wasn't making anywhere near this money just because i was only making about 60. and then i've only been travel nursing for about three months so this is it's a lot of money that i've never had before and instead of being irresponsible that i'm using as much as i can to um to just kind of really get through this so i can be debt-free um i have i mean don't be mad at me i know in the babysitter i should only have a thousand i have because of my unique situation about 10 grand in the bank um and the reason why is just because at any point a company can just pull my contract and that could be just out of luck and i have to look for a new job right then so it kind of makes me feel uncomfortable only having a thousand dollars as an emergency fund just because i would still have rents to pay and obviously i'd have to find another job which wouldn't be super hard right then but it just kind of so you sign a contract with a company and you go halfway across the country to work that contract and you sign a lease and they can just pull it i thought that was the point of a contract yeah so it would they have a buyout whatever reason as far as i know know i work so i work with a travel agency and then they ask me where i want to go and they send me all these contracts and how much they pay and then i apply to them and they but i have heard horror stories at a moment's notice they get a text message that morning or an email of other travel nurses and they're like hey your contract has been avoided and i mean i don't know how frequent that is like i said i'm pretty new to it but i just i hearing that i never want that to be the case and then i'm like and from what i've talked to with my recruiter she's told me like hey if that ever did happen we would kind of like move mountains to try to get you another job in a hospital close to where you already have a lady okay um yeah so well i'm excited that you have some savings that makes me feel better about this situation because if i'm you i'm taking some of that savings that you have and just buying a car that's reliable don't go crazy and i don't think you are you've got a great head on your shoulders you're a real hard-working dude and i want you to take advantage of this time that you are making buku bucks and pay down this debt which you can do with well under a year with this income and you can cash flow this car from your savings and once you're out of debt then you can go wild go get that six months emergency fund but right now it feels like there's just a lot of fear in your life and when you get rid of those student loan payments you're gonna sleep a lot easier at night because you're not gonna have payments coming out you're gonna have less expenses to cover so if i'm you i'm taking maybe three or four grand fine you're great with cars so it doesn't worry me you're gonna inspect that thing you'll be able to keep up with the maintenance guess it doesn't matter get a honda or toyota if you're driving a lot we talked about this on the show yesterday even if it has a hundred thousand miles those things will go three four hundred thousand dollar miles if you if you take care of them which you obviously do so that's what i'm doing uh and i'm take whatever the rest is in that savings account other than a thousand dollars put it towards the debt and use that healthy fear to then fuel you to get rid of these student loans with this amazing four grand a month you have coming in while you have it because you probably won't have it forever four grand a week four grand a week 16 grand a month you have coming in dude you could crush this debt in six months if you keep up these contracts and you can cashflow this card today and you're gonna be in a much better spot i don't want you to live with paranoia about what's gonna happen with this contract and what's gonna happen with this car that's just not gonna be a fun way to live your job is already stressful as it is hey dalton this is normally when i would take another call but can i ask you one personal question yeah absolutely what kind of what was your financial situation growing up um so my parents were not to the point where they are now well off until i was well out of high school and into into college um my my dad was an e1 in the military had me and my brother my older brother really young around 18. so it would have been like a two-bedroom apartment in san diego and my mom always tells a story about like having to like have cloth diapers because they couldn't afford diapers so there you go um so definitely uh yeah almost exactly i mean that was my guess yeah you now have work your butt off to get to a place where you have the credentials and you're leaning into the experience and you're willing to travel you're a hard worker and you must be good at what you do to make that kind of salary and you're willing to go where the work is so what i want to tell you is there's a part of your brain that is still living in we can't afford diapers that's how you were raised that's the world you know and if you grow up the son of a first responder of a veteran or a daughter i mean a kid of there's also this understanding that any day this all comes crashing down right that's the that's the that's the ecosystem your brain is scanning on a daily basis i want you to begin practicing and whether you get a group of friends into this and it's gonna be tough because you'll be on the road whether you get a counselor whether you do that um an online counselor through betterhelp.com whatever that looks like i want you to begin to lean in and practice i'm good i'm stable i have a great career and i work really hard and at any moment could this come crashing down yeah is it going to probably not and if you spend your life in fight or flight which you've been in for 20 25 years now you're gonna burn yourself out and you're gonna always be looking for the next thing the next scary thing the next scary thing the next scary thing and you're gonna be lugging seventy thousand dollars for the student loan debt around with you because you're gonna be buying the next thing getting the next thing just stop you made it man congratulations you're a stud dalton welcome thank you did you hear that yeah i appreciate it and i want you to like as george said the challenge here for sprinters for high achievers for people who are used to crushing it people who are used to running their whole lives from we can't afford groceries and hey dad works in a job he may not come home every single day those folks often spend their life catastrophizing running sprinting ah and the baby steps are hard because they're methodical and they're slow and they're every single day and they're every single day and they're every single day like george said crush this death get it out of your life and begin to breathe and sleep and laugh from your guts for the first time in a long long time thanks for the call dalton this is the ramsay show so we are back on the ramsey show triple eight eight two five five two two call five triple eight eight two five five two two five a lot of numbers in there john listen my brain said we're done with numbers we're just gonna go right to words and uh i was still talking triple h five five two two five and most importantly i'm looking up to the lobby and on the debt-free stage i see two extraordinary people we got cheryl and her son his son tyler from anchorage alaska debt-free are we are we debt-free we are debt-free congratulations welcome to nashville so how much you pay off 125 632 and 92 cents wow not that we're counting every penny 125 632 how long does this take you to pay off 30 months 30 months wow what was your range of income during this time between 80 to 145 000. 80 to 145 incredible what was the jump in income about i worked massive amounts of overtime and in the middle of this i open my own financial coaching business goodness you're a rock star way to go and so it is did you sell some stuff how'd you get here no that that doesn't count the stuff i sold that is what i paid in cash working massive amounts of overtime running my financial coaching business and living on a budget you cashflowed this whole thing through your income and side hustles and all the extra work yes sir wow that's this is incredible so take us back 30 months ago what in the world happened um i went through a divorce okay um knew that we had to change a lot of things and we did um so you left this divorce with 125 000 in debt like i said it was more than that but that's what we paid off in cash we sold a bunch of stuff we sold vehicles got rid of houses things like that okay um and then in the middle of this murphy was not nice um the gentleman i was dating we were planning on a future together and we found out he had terminal brain cancer and he passed away six weeks later oh no um but when i knew this worked was the day after he passed away i blew a tire on the highway during 65 and it was not a crisis in the middle of my life being unshambled it was not a crisis wow that puts things in perspective huh yes wow and so you come out of a divorce which we talk about all the time as though and it's it's common experience we undersell what a hard season that is yes that is a tough tough season and you transitioned out of that and you said you looked at this extraordinary young man sitting next to you and said i gotta make some major changes how did you get connected with this crazy crew uh my parents did dave ramsey years and years ago they're now baby step summoners living life um and i just connected with that and ran with it i knew it worked i'd seen it work so what type of debt was this you mentioned cars and houses what type what type of debt was 125 000 student loans vehicles um credit card debt unsecured personal loans you name it it was there so you were basically normal yes normal normal normal wow so i you're extraordinary just in the two minutes i've known you thank you so often somebody comes out of trauma like this on top of other trauma and they simply turtle up where did the fire come from the spark come from that you walked out of this divorce and said this all changes this is on me and you you lit the the fire with jet fuel i have spent 30 months trying to figure out what god genuinely put me on this earth for and i was not going to hide under a mattress a bed whatever life is to live and god has got me through this whole thing ups and downs trails tribulations he's got me wow wow wow wow so your parents you you had it back in the back of your head somewhere that dave ramsey some guy in tennessee blah blah so you got on the plan then what happened i i ran for it i figured out how to budget real quick love the every dollar app and there were a lot of no's there were a lot of getting up at three o'clock in the morning to take him to daycare but we were gonna do this and we were gonna do it as fast as i could because i wanted the freedom and when you're in debt you have no freedom so what was this like for you tyler i don't know hey that's fair that's fair um okay so who are the people who thought you were crazy in your life oh my everybody where i work thinks i'm crazy they're like you can't do that i'm tired of working overtime and trust me i was tired i'm a single mom i was tired yeah where do you work where's your day job i'm a correctional officer oh wow so your correction officer coach what are some other uh side projects you did um my volunteer accomplished amount of time at his school we volunteer within our community there's a place called my house that's a homeless team resource center we feed into them um i am we do santa cop and heroes in our community which helps singers during christmas time you're just genuinely an extraordinary human being thank you hey tyler you realize you won the lottery with this one right yes your mom's pretty amazing pretty amazing who are your biggest cheerleaders uh really my parents my brother as well but my parents were behind us every step of the way that's incredible so have you had the moment where hey have you got to drop off some of these jobs and just get down to one or two um i've cut my overtime down okay but i still do financial coaching which i love feeding in being a ramsay coach is awesome have you had that moment where you don't owe anybody any money and the checks deposit and you're looking at this this money in your account saying what do i get to do with this i have i have tell everybody what that's what that feels like i don't even know how to describe it you look at all this money and you're like wait like now i have to give that dollar a name where's it gonna go um currently my emergency fund and then obviously traveling to nashville that's incredible yeah i love that you know sally mae's name is not on those dollars anymore it's cheryl no that's huge tyler yeah towards your dreams i mean this i'm just impressed because i feel like i i make excuses john i don't even have kids my wife is working here and i feel like i don't have time to volunteer and she's out there side hustles coaching volunteering all day long while keeping this day job how did you do it are you the type of person who just doesn't make excuses um there are times for sure in the middle of this i made a couple of excuses but really i knew that if i could stay focused there was essentially light at the end of the tunnel and really the volunteer opportunities they do on the side feed into me they encourage me they build me up and so that's what i needed in the middle of working all these hours to see that there are people that don't have the opportunities i have and so to be grateful for the ones i do that's amazing well you are a rare gift and the people driving down the road right now who've been kind of considering this or thinking about it you just took away every single excuse they might come up with and i hope you'll enter a season of rest and if dreaming of what's next and what can be right this type of gazelle intensity is extraordinary you've changed your family tree in 30 months right and this young man next to you he doesn't talk very much but he absorbed every second of it and he understands what an extraordinary woman his mama is how strong brilliant and capable it's incredible you've changed his life too and we applaud you for that we're gonna give you a copy of the legacy journey because that's the next step you are on the road to being a baby step millionaire and you can probably get there with just two or three of your 18 jobs that'd be great and we're also going to give you a copy of total money makeover so you can give to somebody else and you can pay this one forward thank you for inspiring us all what a gift so cheryl and tyler from anchorage alaska paid off 125 000 in 30 months making 80 to 145 000 this is the moment you're waiting for count it down ready three two one there he is i knew it was in there john there he is he was just waiting for his moment tyler was waiting for his big moment and there it was it was all that pent up now finally we can go to a restaurant i love it what an incredible incredible woman i mean goodness gracious that just that makes my day i can't help but smile seeing that that family right there and seeing that legacy change the family tree changed because someone decided you know what i can make some sacrifices for 30 months in the midst of trauma in the midst of going through a really hard season because this stuff matters and my freedom is more important my my take 30 months go through hell and back and we're going to change everything nothing's stopping her now nothing absolutely nothing what a gift cheryl this hey if you listen to this that could be you too you can say no more i'm done okay 24 months 30 months change everything what a gift this is the ramsay show how many times in the past year have you heard someone say i wish things would get back to normal let's be honest what was normal like for you worried about money stress too much to do not enough time to do it you shouldn't have to go back to that when there's so much better ahead for you but to get the life you want you need the right game plan you can't just run out in the field like a maniac you gotta have a plan so join us for game plan live our free live stream on september 28th this costs no money free plan game plan live on september 28th dave ramsey christy wright and george cam will be laying out the clear plan to make all your money goals come true like how to find a vision that gets you excited how to set healthy boundaries to keep you focused and how to take control of your money so it can start working for you you can have the abundant balanced debt-free life you want and it all starts with game plan live to register for the free f-r-e-e free live stream text game plan to 33789 that's a game plan all one word to three three seven eight nine all right let's go to suzanne out in spokane hey what's up suzanne hi there hi there how's it going i just love that it rhymes suzanne and spokane it just made me happy it's good to have you suzanne how can we help you good thank you guys so much for taking my call you got it what's up um so this is basically what i've got so my husband and i we moved up we're actually in the north idaho area so we're just kind of over the border from spokane we moved here really unexpectedly last year after my husband lost his job and it just ended up being such a blessing he got a job up here and we absolutely love it and we don't want to leave we're closer to family now and he got a good job here he's been able to start a business so he's actually working two jobs and i am a stay-at-home mom now we've got two baby girls congrats and so thank you so it's really expensive here that's one thing we didn't know we didn't know the area that well but we love it so we're determined to stay here and we were actually able to pay off all of our debt last month wow congratulations super exciting yes so in the midst of covet and babies and this move and everything we still manage to pay off our debt so we own our vehicles all that and we're in a rental but we've decided that we want to go ahead and buy even though this market is really crazy and it's really expensive here but we figured since we're debt-free we can go ahead and pull the trigger and do it so we're in the middle of purchasing a place that we found so you already have a contract out yes we do we yeah we close here in a couple weeks okay yeah so it is expensive and we know that you know we had started with a budget that was a bit lower and we decided to go higher because we just we found this great property and it just seems like a wonderful place to raise children and since we're dedicated to staying in the area we wanted to do it so you've laid the groundwork to justify not making a smart decision is that what happened is am i questioning the decision yeah you've laid the groundwork to have possibly made a not great financial decision it sounds like there's a lot of emotion behind this of just excitement about getting in a house and all this so give us some details about the the financial aspect yeah so we when we first started looking so we've been looking for months and months with our realtor and we didn't have a super firm budget in mind but we decided around the 450 mark was we didn't want to go much over that we thought we could really afford that and still be able to save money but in this market and in this area where we live what you can get for 450 just doesn't even seem worth it these aren't even really starter homes they're not even really fixer-uppers and we just found that nothing in that price range we were willing to go for so we decided that we wanted to not only do a house but get some property since we've got little kids so we ended up finding something but it's about a hundred thousand more so five fifty then we initially started yeah so now we're in the 550 range and how much are you guys putting as the down payment what percent well we aren't because we're both veterans so we're going through a va loan so we aren't actually putting anything down okay what's your take home yeah so we are yeah we are gonna finance the whole thing um which puts us at about a twenty five hundred dollar a month mortgage on a 30 year yes okay yeah suzanne all right what's your question you're getting us all fired up i'm getting riled up suzanne yes how can we yeah well that's what i would i don't know if we can help your knee deep in this thing if i'm you i'm getting out of this thing if there's still time but you've already signed a contract so what's your question well my question is um should we focus on saving money because you know we're in this we're going to be paying this mortgage should we be saving money and focusing on that or should we focus the extra money that we have every month towards this mortgage and get it down you should have focused it before you ever gotten this contract and had a healthy down payment on a 15 year uh that's what i would feel better about i don't love this idea of you guys getting out of debt and then taking on over a half million dollars on a mortgage and thinking that they're doing you a favor by giving you the va loan and is that not a big part of your take-home pay what is your take-home payment it is um right now we've got several different sources of income what's the total here here's what's happened suzanne you have created a universe that you want to have you want to be in this area you want your kids in in this area well our kids need to go ahead and have this too so you created that as well and you've created a really fungible flexible dollar amount we just got a lot of money coming from this place and that place and this place and here's what you've done you've created a cloud that allows you to a not see very clearly and not have to see very clearly which allows you to live in a fantasy and now you've zeroed down in one of the if not the hottest real estate markets of all time so it takes a teeny tiny correction and you are underwater in a half million dollar house working side jobs that are kind of kind of make decisions you know it and suddenly this zero down va loan is a nightmare because you're underwater and you can't get out so tell me how much money you make how much money comes into the suzanne and company home every month um about my husband's business is tough we can't because it's a new business but about a hundred thousand a year right now is that take-home pay or is that gross yeah that's take-home so you're taking home about eight thousand dollars right right and your mortgage is going to be uh over about 31 of your take-home pay is going towards the mortgage and that's on a 30-year which we never ever ever recommend we always tell people to do the 15-year fixed rate but you're here right but we're here suzanne how old are you guys um 35 and 37. okay you've got a lot of life to live and i want to see you live it and i don't want to see you drowning in this giant mortgage payment with nothing down uh i've i've just talked to too many people heard too many stories and they start out like yours starry eyed about the housing market and wanting to get in and we want the property we got to have the yard and the budget's flexible and we're not putting anything down and all of a sudden they can't breathe yeah and we get calls i'm sure we'll take one during this show where someone calls in and says we're in over our head we put nothing down on this house and we're drowning and so if there's time to get out i mean it's just you sign well you sign the contract so you sign the contract i don't know what the situation is there uh if you're stuck with this thing you may want to look at increasing income refinancing to a 15-year and making sure that you can afford it but as far as paying down the mortgage i mean it's a little late for that conversation because we're really we're knee-deep in this thing but we recommend 10 to 20 down to avoid pmi or more on a 15 year where the where the mortgage payment is no more than a quarter of your take-home pay so so far every one of the every one of the rules has been broken which just hurts my heart because i want to see you guys win and you've worked so hard to get to this point where you're debt free and you're making these decisions and i don't want to see you step backwards and make a bad financial decision for your future but if you're here to answer your question yes i would treat the 20 down as the new gazelle intensity i wouldn't save money i would sprint and get some sort of cushion underneath your feet and make sure you have an emergency fund of three to six months before you do anything before you start saving anything right you're under water and y'all got to get your head above water first get 20 down on that house pay it down and get an emergency fund so now we're in the books we'll be right back on the ramsay show this is james childs producer of the ramsay show did you know the ramsay show is one of the most popular podcasts in the world subscribe or follow today wherever you listen to podcast this is the ramsay show you can be intentional about your character you can have money and a career you are the hero in your story live from the headquarters of ramsey solutions broadcasting from the dollar car rental studio this is the ramsey show where america hangs out to have a conversation about your money and your life your relationships your marriages boundaries everything we're here to take your calls triple eight eight two five five two two five i'm john dalone joined here by my good buddy george campbell and we are taking your calls on everything george you're doing well i'm doing so good john nothing brings me more joy than hosting the ramsay show with you you're don't carry don't tell dave well my wife can't host the show john oh i see what you're saying yeah so it's a little different i like hanging out with my kids more than hosting this show with you that's a fair point i'd rather be hanging out my dog right now but we got to work and it's a good time we get to help people for a job that's amazing that is pretty good it's i like working the show with you man it is fun i'm glad you're we're a good team you're great you're great at what you do and i try so there it is oh you are way smarter than me my man all right let's go to nathan in kansas city missouri what is up brother nathan uh thank you dr john for taking my call you got it what's up first of all i'm debt free however i just recently tapped into a personal mutual fund for 50k and i have a two-part question how much should i set aside for state and federal taxes and would i be paying taxes on the full amount that i took out or just the dividends great question so this is the two-parter you're saying how much did you set aside should i set aside for state and federal taxes tell me about this mutual fund so you had invested in some stuff just in a brokerage account this is non-retirement we're talking about non-retirement it says something i did personally okay and what what made you tap into it just curious i was going to and i'm going to invest in a rental property oh okay have you paid off your your current mortgage do you have one i'm debt free oh you're dead free including the house everything yes way to go hey nathan let's celebrate first have you have you celebrated nathan you're so nonchalant david i get up i love that how old are you man i'm 70. wow nathan congratulations brother this is what an accomplishment it can be done that's so great so let's talk about this mutual fund so um are you wanting to use this mutual fund just for the rental property would you want to just cash it out and use that as the down payment essentially it would just be used for the rental to purchase a rental property and to rehab it okay and i'm guessing that's not going to cover the full cost you said it has 50k in there no i i took i took out 50k oh okay you've got way more in there right i have more in there but you're not wanting to pay cash for this property no i'm i'm that's why i took out the 50k to pay cash for the property oh the property is only 50k including the rehab cost the property is about 30k rehab maybe about 15. wow outside that's incredible you just don't hear about that kind of real estate these days outstanding yeah i'm impressed well you're crushing here so let's talk about the the tax implications um how long have you had these mutual funds for about 20 years oh okay so you're gonna pay a long-term um capital gains tax and for 2021 let me see if i've got the numbers here are you do you do married filing jointly or single for taxes single okay um and what is your your uh you're cashing out 50k of this right correct okay and what's your income 70k a year okay so you're probably looking at uh 15 capital gains tax total so that's what i would factor into whatever the gains are so you're not going to pay that on the 50 because not all of that is gains so do you know how much the gains are i don't have that uh available do you do you work with a financial advisor right now you know i kind of just listened to dave ramsey and you guys wow myself and you've done really well it's just like that uh if you want to i would connect with a smartvestor pro these are investing professionals in your area in kansas city who know all the ins and outs for the state for all that stuff and they can help you make a really wise decision with this but as far as what i'm looking at here with the bare numbers what's going to happen is let's say 25 of that was you and 25 was was growth on that then you'd pay 25 pay on the 25 000 and it would be 15 of that so that's how much i would factor you do need to look into what the gains were on the amount you took out and then factor 15 and then what did you have a follow-up um well i think you've answered my question oh great yeah i would still i mean if you're not if you don't have a tax pro and an investing pro in your corner with with the amount of wealth that you've amassed i would do that you can find both of those at ramseysolutions.com click on trusted pros i would get in touch with both attacks pro and an investing pro because i want to make sure that you protect what you've built and it continues to build as you as you continue this amazing journey that you've been on fantastic all right let's go to james in charlotte hey james what's going on how are y'all doing today remarkable how about you man uh i'm pretty delighted to be honest with you i'm sorry to hear that what's up brother so uh me and my wife started off last year uh during the dave ramsey plan and uh was on baby step two we had a hundred and five thousand dollars approximately of consumer debt and uh irs debt and we got that down to about forty three thousand and uh hey who lost about eight hold on let's take real quick you paid off 60 grand in a year yes we make uh between 110 to 120 000 a year okay i know you're deflated right now we're going to get to that but i want to take one second and just say that's what's up congratulations that's awesome appreciate it 60 something thousand dollars it's incredible all right so i guess this this takes a left turn here somewhere right yeah um about six months ago we went through a dss issue and had to hire a lawyer and go through all the legal proceedings with that what kind of issue what kind of issue i did a dss issue with my kid okay and um so we lost all three of our kids and had to get them back and went through all that stuff what happened um my kid went to school and basically used the imagination's imaginative story and uh they took it seriously and pursued dss and they basically took us through the winger for no reason and so dss is the department of job protective services in your area yes okay and so they reported some sign some some sort of abuse of some sort and they came in and did an emergency removal yeah okay and then you all went through getting an attorney and you're fighting to get your guns back yep and we did get our kids back about a month ago or so how long were they gone from you um about two months okay i'm sorry to hear that man that's that's a nightmare yeah we haven't already got over that part of it yet and my kids haven't either they they're not really the same now either we're going through the whole counseling thing with them good so how can we help man so um i lost that eight thousand dollars through that process which i don't i mean like i don't think that's uh like i would spend another eight thousand dollars get my kids back but uh like it just threw me off track and like uh like especially with economy now with inflation like when i do my budget i'm just not like motivated no more so on the back end of the trauma you and your family have just experienced you went to fight or flight you fought for your kids you went sprinting after them to protect them you got everybody back in the house and that snow globe of your home has been shaken not having motivation is totally normal i want you all to grieve this thing together lean into that counseling and then you and your wife are going to have to excavate what was and build something new because you're a family that's experienced trauma you've got this life is full of firsts as the first and longest serving christian health cost sharing ministry chm has shared medical expenses for its members since 1981. we believe you should have the freedom to focus on your health while being supported by a community of believers giving you the opportunity to create many more firsts 825-5225 this is the ramsay show talking life and relationships and your money right before the break we took a call from james in charlotte north carolina james was him and his wife were on the same page and they were just crushing a hundred thousand dollars worth of debt and um we ran right up against the break there james and so i'm glad that you hung on the line because i want to circle back a little bit um you guys had paid off 60 000 in a year and for any number of reasons behind closed doors there was some conversations at school with one of your kids and the child protective services got involved took your kids away for a while they are now back but um you spent a chunk of money 8 000 bucks with attorneys and fighting for your kids which as you noted you would have spent 16 you would spend a hundred thousand i was getting those kids back in your home but now you're in the big exhale right things feel like they're in ash am i right that's right so walk us through what what's what's going on in in your home um financially no no no i'm talking about the spirit of your house right now is everybody deflated and a little bit terrified and exhausted and mad and all those things hurt yeah a little bit of everything and like scared of not knowing what to expect you're always expecting another caller visit from dss okay and uh what's happening in that school when he goes to school i mean it's just what he's going through and guilt he feels like we try not to make him feel good about it but i mean he's eight years old so he does feel a little bit and understands a little bit of the repercussions but not all of it sure and what about the other kids in their home are they upset with you guys with them with everybody well it was uh another kid involved was uh five years old and then a one-year-old okay and uh the one-year-old we kind of lost a little bit of bonding time with him and a little bit development delays because he wasn't in our care yeah and a five-year-old just going through a bunch of separation anxiety yeah so we're getting them treated for that as well how long were they gone um right at two months two months huh and normally we don't even go a night without them but we don't pawn our kids off and go have fun we normally just do family stuff all the time if we're not working yeah certainly they're not used to being away from us and we're not used to staying away from them and this is one of those hard things because you're a parent of three young kids and you as someone who loves your kids and probably the children that your kids associate with you want a group of people that will kick the door in and protect children from bad parents right yeah because i was a foster kid there you go you want that service and at the same time you're on the other end of a misunderstanding and there's that thank god there's group people like that out in the world and oh my gosh what a my family just suffered trauma major trauma yes how's your marriage um our marriage is pretty good if it wasn't good i don't think we would have made it through them two months okay everybody in a marriage after a situation like this people grieve differently how are y'all grieving uh my wife uh took it really hard and i was more on my anger side so like when she would cry i would like try to shut that down man i didn't let her grieve like i should have be honest with you okay um i just because like if i i felt like if i would have got to the point of the crime and stuff like i would have lost everything and my emotional well-being and i couldn't let that happen at the time because i had a fight ahead of me i couldn't you know what i mean by my so i don't think i went through the grieving process correctly and i don't think i'd let her do that as well okay so um here's what i want you to do you've got all three kids back how long have y'all been back together um i've said a month but i think it's about two months now cause we went we just did our family vacation a weekend ago okay how was that uh it was pretty good just rushed okay but i felt like it was uh it kind of put my kids in a better place emotionally so before i start answering questions that i want to answer what how can i help you brother so like i'm like really i could be there for you tomorrow uh the only thing hold me back is two vehicle loans okay and uh where i put myself and then like when i budget to do that like david said like now like i guess because the anticipation of something coming up now it just like i can't go all in no more like i feel like i gotta hold back and wait to see what else is gonna happen how honest you want me to be with you 100 okay somewhere along the way probably when you were one or two years old four or five or six or seven or eight nine or ten years old you learned i cannot be vulnerable it'll get me killed yeah you're a foster kid you still that still hangs over you like a cloud sometimes on a bad day is that fair that's right and at the same time you're grateful for the people who took you in that fair that's great okay so you live in this toggled world back and forth and back and forth and what you have done over the last how old are you i'm 36 okay the last three decades is you got real real strong real strong and in counseling we call it leakage and that's a dirty diaper term but the reality is this you can deal with that stuff or it will deal with you it will come out in rage it will come out in anger it will come out in unable to take a firm next step and so you end up just shutting down and shutting down if you think of like a like one of those one of those machines at the dump that crushes cars and just presses down your feelings and your emotions and your relationships another word for that is it will depress everything yeah so that's where i'm at that's where you are that's exactly right so i want you to know two things number one your body's working just like it's designed to and you can heal and you'll be able to take a full breath again if you choose to the choice there starts with sitting with your wife one night after your kids are in bed and looking her in the eye and holding both of her hands and saying i didn't let you grieve this i didn't let you cry and i'm sorry and then following that up with i don't know how to grieve and cry and i feel like if i start crying i won't ever be able to stop and what you're gonna do it's completely counterintuitive to enter a fight on your on your back right yeah and what the only way through this is through connection and relationship and the only way to connection relationship is through being vulnerable and being honest in saying the words i hurt i'm scared i'm sorry and those aren't three words that have served you well in the past because you've had to be really tough to navigate a really hard hard row right that's right do you love that woman yes i do you trust her yes now's a chance to turn it all around when you connect you'll be able to breathe you'll be able to sleep for the first time in four months that's right and when she says how can i help you and you're honest with her you'll be able to breathe and sleep and when you ask her how can i best serve you right now how can i help you grieve because i know we're going to grieve different and that doesn't mean you've got to cry on the floor and kick and scream and write poetry to yours that is everyone grieves differently but you got to be honest about what you need and then you can go into the money stuff but the money stuff is the fear about the money is a symptom of a heart that is still in fight or flight a brain an amygdala that's still burning bright waiting for the next knock on the door you get what i'm saying yeah and i know i know i know my brother this is scary and this is all new and these are these are skills you haven't used before and so you're gonna have to practice it you're gonna goof it up and you're gonna feel awkward and you're gonna feel scared and you're gonna backtrack all those things are good but your wife's gotta know i'm in with you and that starts with i'm sorry i should have let you cry and i don't know what to do and i thought that if i started crying i would never ever stop and you're you're not man george so many of us learned that skill right cover up man and stick your chest out and just go out swinging that's just that's what so many of us know to do and it feels counterintuitive it feels unsafe to back down and look at somebody and say i'm scared i don't know what to do next yeah and we're seeing all over the country man the research on on leaders who came out during the last 18 months and tried to flex and snap into a slim jim their way through this they are cracking the people underneath them are leaving in droves and those leaders who came out and said i don't know what's next we're going to rally around we're going to work really hard and we get new information we're going to change our minds we do things different the people are staying and they're staying and they're being successful and they're pivoting and moving same same thing works in relationships and it marriages yeah it's a hard hard season my brother and scary and i'm sorry that your family experiences trauma healing is up to you and your wife and it comes today start today brother james this is the ramsay show so this is the ramsey show and on our debt free stage rob and anna are here to do your debt-free scream how much did we pay off uh we paid twenty six thousand seven hundred and eighty dollars 26 thousand 784 how long 12 months 12 months where are y'all from we're from phoenix arizona 12 months how much money are you making um about 85 now started around 55 when we started paying off the debt 55 to 85 that's a big jump what happened um well with pandanamic he lost his job and so i just started working as much as possible very cool so what happened 12 months ago that you said enough's enough let's hit the gas on this thing just uh you know we took fpu years ago and lived davish for a long time that kind of helped us get through like a couple of weird bumps in you know going to nursing school just having weird housing situations like just just getting through that but then yeah 12 months ago with a pandemic hitting and you know we just were like this is not cool like trying to go into that hoarding mode of you know what do we do you know because just lost my job and it's yeah you know save as much and then that might just sit in there and we still have these debts so we just started paying yeah you know so you got spooked you're like very screwed for sure for sure yep so what kind of debt was this um it was two student loans and a car two student loans in a car all right so take us back 12 months who sat down with who and said today's the day we make a change um it was it was always sort of my thing yeah the head of the organization here yeah so can i can i um ask you a personal question yes so you lose your job that the the research tells us that the psychology of a job loss is can be similar to the loss of a loved one it's a heavy trauma yeah um both psychologically spiritually to that to our ego right yeah then your wife comes to you and says i'm we're i'm i'm in charge now right what about that situation a lot of guys i've talked to over the years would turtle up would puff their chest out and say hey hang on what about that situation said you're right let's do this well never thought that she wasn't right you know it's not you know pride has to step to the side whenever you're doing something like this you know uh when the pandemic hit the kids had to stay home too so someone had to be there anyway yeah and it's kind of it was like a curse and a blessing kind of you know very cool to be there you know we have to do whatever we can do for the girls it's not just it's bigger than just us so and it can be very isolating for anyone that does go through this yeah because even if you don't like your job or you love your job you know that's social interaction that you're missing out on that absolutely can be very tough to replace whenever you have a six and a two-year-old you know i don't know man i know some workplaces where that's about the caliber of interaction but yeah i do get that absolutely um so you get on the program tell us about the last 12 months um yeah just working really hard i at the time that the pandemic hit i had been working part-time because we had two kids and so just working a lot um i did christy's business boutique so i had my little side hustle um repairing american girl dolls and uh i ended up gotting getting a lot of business a lot of people were sitting at home needed repairs done so tell america what it costs to get an american girl doll repaired well um i've done repairs for up to about 200 dollars for one doll wow depending on like the age of the doll what it needed repaired so i had to get stitches on my live child once for about 200 bucks and i was kind of annoyed by that yeah that's why wow that's the way to go getting creative and doing whatever it took to get rid of exactly absolutely you guys are inspiring and so you basically just flipped roles right i'm crushing it i'm going to take care of i'll become the ceo of this house and we'll make it happen who's your biggest cheerleaders um my parents for sure um my mom was the one who well my parents bought us a fpu you know years ago when i took it at our church and so they've always been you know the for the forefront for us and i mean just each other as cheerleaders you know like i would get exasperated about something and i mean he's just my rock he's there for me like he picks me up like we we do i mean it sounds cheesy but we complete each other like it's you know god put us together for a reason so i really feel like you know it's just been it's we've been perfect for each other for that it's just you know one of the things that's big that we did before even though we were living dave ish we didn't i don't personally ever spend a lot of money i've never had a credit card my whole life so it's you know just you know kind of frugal that way but we do like to eat out and so that's kind of you know took a back seat you know start making everything at home from scratch yeah he learned how to do tortillas from scratch tacos good wholesome person with integrity and character does they like tacos right yeah would you tell people the key to getting out of dennis i would just say um you know sticking together have your person um make your budget be intentional with it you know we i read rachel's book and uh i just i wondered why am i going to target like what is the point of being there and spending this money you know so just the intentionality of everything is really what helped you know and just supporting each other you know it's because i've always had an issue with the all or nothing mentality and it's really easy to be defeated whenever it's like if it's not working out it's like we'll just do something different it's like just have one foot in front of the other you know how to eat an elephant one bite at a time you know so dave always says uh he reads the tortoise and the hare every year and every year he reads it the the tortoise wins every time yeah um so uh what's it feel like to be debt-free oh that's amazing that's great you know like shortly afterwards you know we had some major car issues which you know maybe a year ago would have been who knows what would have happened you know maybe would have had to turn that other way and go deeper into that but you know you get a twenty eight hundred dollar car repair and it's like oh we've got them we gotta do that it's annoying it's not like yeah exactly yeah fantastic you know so so i see two little ones sophia and emma you gotta bring him up on stage come on girls come here mask off please beautiful beautiful coming from so sweet you gotta watch because they're wearing matching dresses and uh america needs to see the cuteness right now yes and i know you all know this but the stress and uncertainty and fear that y'all faced 12 months ago 13 14 months ago because you lived like no one else for 12 months those two beautiful beautiful little girls will never know you've changed their entire legacy and they'll enter into college into their marriage is debt-free and they'll have a peace that their peers won't understand because of the work y'all did this year i'm so grateful for you guys so rob and anna and sophia and emma from phoenix arizona paid off twenty six thousand seven hundred dollars in 12 months making 55 to a repairing american dolls eighty-five thousand dollars count it down for your debt-free scream three two one that's what i'm talking about while holding kermit while holding up she's holding it kermit i bet she could repair it too i never went down but she couldn't get 200 for that no not out of me what an incredible couple man so george 12 months ago we were sitting here at the office i was a little bit nervous what's gonna happen where are we going the business going good but running around take me to your house you and your wife are sitting down and you have this conversation and you look up 12 months later what's that feeling feel like in your home man just freedom i mean like they said when it comes to these emergencies and the next pandemic and the paranoia and the fear you can just suck all of that out by being in a place where you are financially free where you have a foundation set to where nothing's gonna shake you guys it might be annoying it might be frustrating but it's not gonna be a crisis there you go and where they've set themselves up right now with total dead freedom with these two beautiful little girls it just gives me hope for america and i want everyone to know that hey where you are right now doesn't need to be where you end up and just 12 months could change the next 40 50 60 years and more importantly could change the next 60 70 or 80 for those two yeah and their kids and so on and so on and so on one of my favorite things in a debt-free screen people you know they get on the stage and there's cameras in here and lights and people are a little bit nervous and they tell their story and it always comes back physiologically you can see it on their body and they often will hold hands a little bit tighter um it it you can feel it on them and then you ask him that one question what's it like to be debt-free and just like these two beautiful folks they light up everything their shoulders drop they're they exhale yeah you have no idea it's incredible right if you are vacuuming your house if you're at work and you got your headphones on if you are driving your car right now wherever you happen to be listening to this feel your shoulders right now feel that pit in your stomach just exhale and drop your shoulders that's peace that's freedom find out for yourself why blinds.com is the number one online retailer of custom window coverings you get free samples free shipping and with the new promos they run every month you'll save even more use promo code ramsey to get the best deal rules and restrictions apply today's question comes from brittany in iowa i've worked hard for 17 years to support my family god recently opened the door for me to pursue a doctoral degree with a full scholarship that covers tuition and a monthly stipend the stipend is significantly less than my salary because i have zero debt will be okay the problem is i recently found out my husband has twenty thousand dollars in credit card debt he also has a hefty car note he wants me to cash out my retirement funds to pay off his debt if he were remorseful it would be different but he's nonchalant about the entire situation if i pay off my husband's debts plus pay taxes on what i would have to withdraw it will wipe out half of what i took 17 years to save can i forgive his financial mistakes and still not pay off his debts so i can pursue the doctorate so brittany here's the hard reality that you face your marriage is on life support and it is about to have a giant split in it you are taking a hard left turn into a doctoral degree with a full scholarship and your husband is living in the past in what was and both of you are pretending things aren't any different yet they are i don't like you using my money plus his money and his debts plus my debts it tells me all are not on the same page and to commit to a doctorate degree that's a life right that's a full-time job and this is going to be a tough road to hoe without support much less somebody else that you're dragging along behind you so what you all need to do asap is you need to go sit with a marriage counselor before the weekend is up sit with a marriage counselor and you have to be honest you have to look at your husband and say i don't feel that you're a person of integrity when it comes to my money we're not on the same page here i'm about to enter into a whole new adventure and um otherwise i've just seen too many people in the situation george they don't come back from this yeah right and it doesn't have to be a doctoral degree it could be i got a great job offering this new town or i'm finally selling my car because i can't do this anymore there is financial infidelity here he's hiding money there is hefty car notes wants to cash out retirement i mean this is just a disaster hanging on by a threat yeah on the money side under no circumstances are you going to cash out any retirement funds brittany please if you're listening uh don't do this what it's what's going to happen is he needs to take five jobs clean up this debt probably sell the car drive a beater get rid of this 20k and credit card debt and you guys are gonna get on the same page you need to become a team here this is not his problem your problem this is you all's problem this is we i'd be willing to bet george that he is telling his buddies my wife's about to quit her full-time job and just go back to college and in some ways he might be right that we're having these money challenges we're having this challenges we're not on the same page this is a relationship that's not on the same page and this is a relationship that has way bigger holes in the boat than you think they do yeah so turn the lights on stop the dance music somebody's gotta call this thing and you gotta go see a marriage counselor asap this sucker's on life support yeah it's less of a financial question and more of a relationship question the house is on fire but do not cash out retirement and this can be cleaned up but i'm more concerned about the marriage than i am the financial components that's right absolutely all right let's go to scott in kansas city hey brother scott what's going on man hey um kind of nervous here hey we are too we don't we don't know what we're doing out of our minds yeah what's up man i got dr john i got a question for you it's been long hard road we got uh we got eight kids we got two biological kids and we adopted the last six um the two biological girls they're both out of school and out of the house you know and really successful and stuff really doing a good job uh problem we got now is the next two in mind the 16 and 14 year old boys they just lie constant i mean it's just heartbreaking we've had them since we've had them for 13 years and um they're we went to counselors for the last six seven years you know once a week and we went through i don't know how many counselors six seven eight of them i don't know they go to one during the school now since school's reopened and stuff and once a week at least it's not twice was going to one during the week ourselves quite a ways away and then every six weeks we meet with the main counselor and uh it just never-ending i mean we've done medication and we've done all kinds of stuff but the lying like one of them said you know one of the doctors said there's no magic pill you know to make it stop but what how how do you get to where you get them from lying i mean how do you make the lying stop i mean it's so hard i mean you can't trust them so let's how old are they again 16 and 14. so in 30 seconds you told me a lot of stuff that communicates your kids have a lot of problems that they are costing you a lot of money a lot of your time they're taking a lot of your soul from you what's good about these boys it's a well they're very hard workers they whenever they're achievement-based brother that's achievement-based they produce well they what do you know they love you well i'm trying whenever they love you they love you but whenever they get mad i mean it's it's mad okay um they have a t that not just adhd i can deal with that because i'm that myself yeah but like the oppositional divine disorder you know the todd and then the the attachment disorder the attachment disorder just breaks a person's heart right you know it seems like once we just got back from a week vacation down there in disney and universal and it's like they couldn't even enjoy the harry potter thing they're humongous harry potter fans they couldn't even enjoy it because they're just fighting with each other he was going to ride this first and they just kicking each other and elbowing each other like you guys really ought to just be kicked out of here you know really what do boundaries look like in your house i'm assuming that for the last 13 years you all have established pretty firm boundaries oh yes you know i mean we've grounded and everything else and you know and then we've disciplined with the spankings with the taking away stuff and everything it just don't seem like anything does any good um the 16 year old he's um he really uh likes to accomplish stuff you know with work and everything he's been mowing yards and 14 year old has been to been mowing some yards and stuff and got him another job even starting here today and stuff to where he's not listening to me whatsoever and my wife he's not listening to us whatsoever he just thinks that we're just you know trying to sabotage him but just try to give you an example the other day they was doing a trap shoot practice because they're not interested in baseball and basketball and stuff so anyways but we go hunting and they do we're trying to get them involved with the trap shoot well anyways i wasn't down there with a 16 year old i thought they could drive himself anyways coming up against the clock so so gets there to the end of it well it's just like the coach said you know he will not listen yeah and finally had just made him quit you know and the coach and the parent you know had to holler at him and everything else and it's like he don't even he don't even he don't even recognize or he will not admit that he did anything wrong when's the last time um you put that 16 year old boy's head on your chest and you held put your hand on his face and you held him for about 30 seconds and said i love you yesterday and i try to almost every other day and i tell you what he just pushes back okay i mean i don't know if you've ever seen that attention during the attachment so i tell you what it is it's it's super hard it's super hard no question about that and there's a a express lane in the afterlife for those who take on foster children it's hard and when we look at our kids and so here's what i'm going to tell you i can't answer this question in eight minutes you've got so many mental health professionals around you what i want you to do is to lean in less on fixing your kids and just doing whatever you can to connect and i know that's hard and i know it's a trite answer here at the end of an hour lean into connection you've got so many other things so many other mental health providers and doctors attachment all that stuff your kids your boys need to know dad loves not an easy answer my friend and i'm sorry i can't dig into it more we'll be right back on the ramsay show have a friend or family member that needs a daily dose of ramsay advice in their life let them know about the ramsey call of the day podcast it's a quick hit of advice about life and money in under 10 minutes check out the ramsey call of the day podcast wherever you listen to podcasts this is the ramsay show you can be intentional about your character you can have money and a career you are the hero in your story live from the headquarters of ramsey solutions broadcasting from the dollar car rental studio this is the ramsey show where america hangs out to have a conversation about your money your life your relationships starting new businesses closing businesses anything and everything triple eight eight two five five two two five i'm john delony joined here by best-selling author and all-around rock star wife mom business owner everything kristy right how are you i'm great i'm gonna tell matt i'm a rock star wife i just got introduced on the radio she just texted that he texted me and said hey tell her that by the way please add that to her bio well please we'll play it how are you uh great i'm excited because it's a big week and a lot of energy around here yeah so tell me about it so tuesday two days ago book launched it's on the streets i got to go to target my local target here and freak out and cause a big scene for all the employees sign a few books get excited that it's on an end capped which by the way it's on end caps on target shelves all over the country hopefully where you are too and then yesterday did media data mini and then tonight is our event me and dave are gonna be speaking this evening it's a live stream event and uh and it's really just uh continuing to kick off the launch of this book celebrating you know the thing is john launching a book in this world the the reality of our day is very different now i mean when i launched business boutique in 2017 it was a two and a half week book tour you've got a bus that's wrapped you're in cities all over the country you know day after day after day meeting people signing books shaking hands taking pictures and gosh it feels a little different now you know because it's from here and uh it's all virtual so there's a sad component to it but at the same time uh we're making the most of it so i'm super excited we're gonna have an in-studio audience here so if anyone wants to come there's still tickets to come be with us in person i will sign every book i will shake your hand and take pictures which will be fun but everyone else can join us on live stream and uh and we're gonna i'm gonna go through an overview of the book uh basically my talk is kind of a summary overview of the book and i've heard the talk it's and and it's extraordinary well thank you it hits a nerve which is funny i i love how dave ramsey opens the forward of this and the opening lines of the book of the forward he writes i tried to talk her out of it anybody that knows me knows that's really not that surprising i would love to see you all too going back and forth on that in case you can imagine dave and christy disagreeing is like watching a fireworks show inside it makes tyler seymour my brand manager have miniature panic attacks every crisis and disorder for a living and it makes me we enjoy it we're like wow we're bonding we're closer i walk out of the room i'm like gosh we just communicated the rest of our hair is on fire we're breathing smoke and it's like whoa everyone doesn't see conflict as connection like any roommates do well listen as your friend i'm just so excited um i can't my book i think is in a couple of gas stations across america and so to walk into a target where they have lights on and air conditioning just seems so cool but congratulations on this it's such an important book and an important moment in history thank you everybody is completely cooked and fried and spun out and i'm so glad you're doing the event tonight and um man we are rooting and cheering you on this awesome thank you that's one of the fun things about our company ramsey solutions whether it's money obviously what we're most known for anxiety which is what you obviously have a book on and even with this issue of time management and balance we really take on the hard stuff and we take on the stuff that most people struggle with this is not a niche topic like oh it's just for these certain few people that have no it's everybody struggles with these things money anxiety balance and time management so um i love that we can just help a lot of people with the stuff that they struggle with because we've learned a lot we've struggled with it different ways and and we want to give hope in those spaces so if you're if you have been living in a rock and haven't listened to this show in the last month um give people a synopsis kind of walk them through what inspired you to write this book what's what's in your heart and mind on this deal yeah well i most people know me as the the business coach so i have spent 10 years being a business coach i've written a book business boutique have events all that stuff and in 10 years of doing this the number one question that i'm asked is not a business question it's this question how do you balance it all and i've been asked this by men and women those with kids those without kids different ages different stages and so the problem solver in me wants to wants to lean into that and go okay wow this is a major pain point for people but it took on a new level of i guess urgency when i had three kids in five years and felt that strain myself and and what i have found is that we think the solution is productivity we think the solution is i need to multitask i need to work harder and smarter and wake up earlier and pour more coffee and have a better app and have you know multi-task throughout the day and stay up later and we're tired and we don't feel any more balanced and so i started asking a different question what if balance isn't something you do how you balance it all what if it's something you could create in your life and still be busy what if you could be balanced in an out of balance world and what if balance looks more like peace being confident in your choices being happy with how you spend your time i think that's what we're really after when we say we want to be balanced or we want to have balance and so i really believe that comes down to doing the right things the right time it's not about doing everything for an equal amount of time it's about doing the right things at the right time and when you do that you feel that sense of balance you've been looking for i've we've talked about this book a number of times and i've i've just heard you say something i've never heard you say before i always feel like if i'm quote unquote balanced let me take this to like the weight room if i'm doing a balance exercise i can't lift super heavy weight and sometimes when i'm doing these little balancy exercises doesn't feel like i really got anything done right and if i'm a hard charger if i'm a rock star mom of three and i'm crushing it and killing it and whatever if i'm a ceo if i'm uh over the road truck driver and i'm putting in extra hours to fill in the blank when i hear the word balance it makes me feel like don't work as hard yeah that's why dave hates the word okay that's why he to him it is the phone calls he's had for 30 years where someone says well i can't pay off my debt because i just you know i love my kids and i don't want to take a second job i don't want to work so hard that's what he hears gotcha and i think that's what a lot of us here right yeah and what's and i think we just we we swing to these extremes like oh you've got to live in this zen state and meditate all day like no that's ridiculous that's not anything or you got to be slaughtered and murdered right right i think i think we think of this um idea that that everything is going to be equal we're going to do it all well so for example let's say that you have a week and the right thing for you to do that week is busted at work that's the season i'm in right now i'm launching a book i'm today i got here six this morning i'll be here till nine tonight that's right today but if i judge myself like oh like did i work out today no am i hanging out with my friends today no did i slow down and have time to myself no there's all these things i didn't do but if you come by with your kids this morning no sure did not right um and so if i judge myself on my success in the areas i'm not spending time on on a day that i'm spending time on something else well then all i come up with every time is that i'm failing failure and so there are millions of people walking around every day feeling like they're failing they're actually not they're doing the right things they're just focusing on the thing they're not doing and so i want to help you determine what's right right now and then acknowledge that it's right and be proud of the fact that you're doing what's right and so it's both it's it's both i want to spend my time on the right things but then even if you do it you still need to be present for it and be proud of it instead of feeling guilty for all these things that are not right right now so it's both uh tactical but also there's an uh emotional aspect of it too it's almost a it's a psychological and spiritual component yeah be where you are and become present and be really excited to be there yeah that's what a timely message for a chaotic world yeah thank you for putting this out into the world thank you christy wright her new book take back your time and target on the internets everywhere chrissyright.com rachel ramsey solutions.com is gonna say rachel or rachel or rachel send rachel to send you there she'll buy it too right what makes our show unique is that we genuinely care about our listeners we're intentional about choosing the best advertisers to recommend blinds.com is no exception they offer high quality window treatments at unbelievable prices and they make it simple to shop blinds shades and interior shutters with easy online ordering free shipping and a guaranteed perfect fit go to blinds.com and take advantage of this week's special savings foreign this is the ramsay show triple eight eight two five five two two five i'm john delony joined by my good friend and wrestling author christy wright taking your calls on money life balance relationships all of it let's go to nick in lexington kentucky what's up brother nick not much how are you all outstanding brother what's up how can we help well first off thank you all for taking my call on christy john everybody from the whole ramsey solution you guys have been a lot of inspiration and me and my family and just thank you all for what you're doing and just keep on you've helped us out a ton that's awesome guys appreciate you first off i'm i'm 33 my wife's 30. we've been married about eight years we've got a four-year-old girl and a one-year-old girl about four years ago we started uh doing the ramsay playing great uh davish uh went about 18 months and really well kind of backed off for a year uh jumped back in it about 18 months ago so we've been at it for about three years now we've got right at 66 000 worth of debt paid off congratulations we're down to our last 2 should be done by the end of this month yeah and you survived a hurricane of two little kids in that house that's phenomenal brother yes yes she's been awesome throughout this whole time so cool my question to you all is now that we kind of see that light at the end of the tunnel i i know once we we hit that 2000 and get that taken away we have everything gone but the house i know we go back in to start putting away in retirement but you know we like to camp we like to ride we like to uh you know have people what we're thinking about wanting to kind of build this detached garage we want to kind of upgrade the camper at what point do we say we can start doing that well it's you know you can do those things once you have obviously the money for them but we still there's one more baby step that we want you to be intense on and that's baby step three and that's where you get your three to six months of expenses so even after you pay off your debt this month which is a huge accomplishment don't take your foot off the gas just yet you want to figure out how much money do you need to have three to six months of expenses and that's what we would call a fully funded emergency fund if something major happened to the house to the car to a health issue whatever then you've got that emergency fund where you're not scared you're not good or not scared from the money side of it you're not going to go into debt to cover it and then once you get past baby step three and you have that fully funded emergency fund you will move into four five and six that is where it's more of a steady marathon you're doing them simultaneously you're investing 15 percent you're saving for kids college and you're paying off your house and these are all happening at the same time it's more gradual it's over a long haul so it's not the same gazelle intensity you have in baby step two or even three and that's where yeah you can save up and cash flow those things but what you're gonna need to do nick and this is hard is when you get to that stage you and your wife are gonna need to sit down and talk about which do we wanna do first matt and i have these conversations john it's like oh which do we wanna do do we want to get a new ac unit or do we want to take a vacation you know and you just have to think through like how urgent is this and which one the camper or the trip or whatever and and you just prioritize it as simple and tactical as that is you all have a conversation and decide about what you want to do first in what order you save up and pay cash and cash flow those things and nick i've seen this conversation go one of two ways it is a grind you'll go on a date and it turns into a well i've been wanting to do this and i've been wanting to do that and what you try to do is you try to map out these things that you want to get and attach to your old life the other way i've seen this thing go and this is the way i hope you will go i hope you and your wife will celebrate this extraordinary accomplishment you guys have you just have done really remarkable things you do you've done a very rare thing you're in rare air now and you'll take a half day and you'll get away from the kids you get a babysitter you'll go get a nice breakfast maybe a progressive breakfast or eat one thing here and drive over and go eat somewhere do something cool and consider a miniature retreat and begin to think about where do we want to be who do we want to be what is that going to look like and that becomes a dream conversation a fun conversation inspiring conversation and not a well i want a camper well i want an outdoor air conditioner and i want a garage it becomes a what kind of people are we gonna be and i don't know about you christy when i when i got to the baby step three part these things i thought i wanted they took on less and less importance the freer i got yeah it was this weird attachment i had to stuff and i didn't realize it was a security blanket yeah right and so then when i didn't know anybody anything and you're looking around thinking oh well i'm just i don't know we'll get that later i don't know it just kind of it kind of let the air out of some of that stuff you know it's so funny you say that because um in the book i actually quote craig rochelle in a similar question that you just said because often we don't know what to do on our calendar we don't know what to put on our schedule and so you ask yourself that exact question you just said who do i want to be yeah and he says this craig gersell says when you know who you'll know what to do and so ask yourself who do i want to be and let that inform your money who do i want to be let that inform what you put on your calendar because you're going to put things on your calendar that allow you to be the person you want to be and you're going to buy the stuff or prioritize the purchases that are in line with who you are it's such a better question i love that you asked that well in in for nick it might be we want to be a camp and family we want to be an outdoor adventure family and for the next 24 months we're gonna be koa folks yeah and koa's awesome we're gonna get a small cabin and we're gonna be saving up and saving up and get this dream camper or whatever that looks like right but it's instead of i want that i want that i want that it's yeah who are we gonna be so good all right hey danielle in asheville what is going on danielle and hello can you hear me we can what's up hi hi thank you for taking my call i just have a quick question i have a problem i cannot say no to anybody really but my kids my mom um me and my husband my husband is on the road two months at a time he's a leaf operator truck driver and i work for astronautics and um we're just we're in baby step two we have about 10 000 left in collections to pay off and then we'll be debt-free um but the problem is we are now a human atm like i don't know how to stop it like i we i was brought up poor out of my mom was a single mom so i feel like i can never let her do without because she never let me she worked really hard for me to have you know a life that i did have yeah danielle one of the things that i think you're in tune with which i think is really good is why you struggle with saying no like you even just hit on it right there like well you sort of feel indebted to your mom she you know all these things and what she did for you and so and so when you begin to understand your deeper motivations you can dig into that and start to work on it there so i think that's one of the things that's helpful but i'll just since we don't have a ton of time to dig into all aspects i'll just give you a quick tip that i help people with this all the time on saying no this is a hot topic with time management or anything for that matter um certainly money it takes practice it takes practice it's like a muscle if you never exercise that muscle that muscle is weak and wobbly at first but the more you exercise it the stronger that muscle becomes the more you can do it that the easier it becomes so even if that means danielle you literally sit down and you write out where someone asks you for something ask you for money and you're gonna on your own script out your response what would you say in that situation you practice in front of your mirror practice in front of your dog i don't care i know this sounds silly but then the next time you get asked that question you don't feel so put on the spot you deliver that line and you just practice doing it it's going to be a little awkward at first but with practice i think it does get easier and danielle i'm somebody who has tried to earn love over the course of my life try to achieve it as though it's something i can buy if i just say yes if i keep showing up i keep showing up keep you showing up and what ended up happening was i would begin to show up ungrateful i'd show up resenting the fact that i was even there i'd show up exhausted and peop everyone around me started getting the my second third and fourth fruits especially my wife and kids when you got a husband that's on the road sometimes it's tempting to try to buy your children's joy right out of guilt so a phrase that's made its way around the mental health community over the last couple of years that i love is choose guilt over resentment choose guilt over resentment i would rather you say no and feel that in your body as guilt when your kid says hey can we go to sonic can we get to this can we do this and you say no we're not doing that today we need healthy we need a home and you feel that guilt then to drive all the way to sonic with your kids in the back resenting the fact that you can't say no and that shame and your kids are annoying i can't believe i'm letting them do this and drive all the way home and then all night choose guilt over resentment every single time and as christie says as you practice it you'll begin to feel less guilty you'll stand a little bit taller and suddenly you'll find yourself saying no with a smile on your face and it will bring joy to everyone around you this is the ramsay show triple eight eight two five five two two five this is the ramsey show i'm john delonie joined by my good friend christy wright taking your calls on life work relationships money all of it and on the debt-free stage we don't have a debt-free screen but we have an in-house question our friend mike from fair banks alaska what's going on brother mike yes thank you um question up front i don't know how to charge people get over that hurdle of thinking my what my time is worth and for actually charging for my time now the that's the question up front the context of that is i'll be retiring next month and so kind of want to do a dream i've had for many years and now with the retirement i'll have a basement on how much comes in so the risk is is is gone that used to be there if i was just to quit so i have all the skills to do what i want to do so when you say a basement you mean you're going to have retirement coming in yeah okay so there'll be a low a lowest you know with food and covering we'll be content so we have the money okay but from up there um i'd like to add income with uh with some light remodel type work so i have all the skills built our own house done major gut job remodels on places i've owned but and i have done some work for other people not pay but just to help them out so the skills are there but i've never been in a position where i have to charge someone for what i'm doing and i'll probably underprice myself i'll probably feel guilty saying this is this is what your materials are going to cost now this is what i'm going to cost because i'm my business plan is to let them pay for the materials so i'm not their banker and then i just charge them for my labor so um anyway any thoughts on how to get over that hurdle yeah you know first of all i just want to encourage you that this is a really common struggle for people starting out in business it's a really common struggle for people in service-based businesses where you're charging for your time not necessarily i'm going to sell you a t-shirt you're paying for the t-shirt that's a little bit more removed from the person um so i just want to encourage you it's common and it can be overcome people do it all day every day it's kind of similar to what we were talking about a minute ago with saying no being a muscle through practice the more you talk about it it will be easier but here's what i want you to think about so when you think about it as your business sometimes we get all squirmy like oh i feel bad this is something you've done without charging before so it's kind of in your brain as a hobby a gift doing something to be nice so it's been in this category you also already have income so it's not like this is primary source of income so that income feels like well i don't really have to charge what i want to help do help you do and you can think about this is i want you to mentally shift this business idea from being a hobby to being a business because a hobby costs you money and a business makes you money if this is going to be a business this the purpose of this is to make money that's actually what we do in business we serve the marketplace they pay us certificates of appreciation with presidents faces on them so when you switch this into that mental gear of okay the purpose of this is to make money then it takes a little bit of your feelings out of it because it's not about you it's about the business this business needs to make money in order to stay in business one other thing that can help you because so much of it is in our head in addition to the practice one other thing that might help you mike because i want you to think about think about something that you have paid for recently just tell me anything it could be a product or a service what's something you've paid for recently that you really liked that you really were happy you bought we're all plane tickets okay plane tickets plaintiff i was thinking of those incredible carhartt pants i'd hire you right now based on the car hearts man those are awesome car hearts i love it okay so plane tickets right you you paid for plane tickets because there was a value in that service and that in being able to have a flight so you would rather have the flight than that amount of money you paid for it and the airline company would rather have your money than than the expense it cost them to to run that flight when you take the emotion out of it and you see that sales is just an exchange of value it makes it a little bit easier to charge not perfectly easy again it's going to take practice but you think this is not about you mike the person this is about there's a value of the renovation you're doing there's a value of the home improvements you're doing i just had our deck stained at our house and i even wrestled with like oh could we do it ourselves because we're do-it-yourselfers to save the money and we just no let's let's pay someone we've got three little kids when are we gonna do it and this awesome man he's a friend of ours he's a handyman came over did that it's an outstanding job way better than we would have ever done i was thrilled to pay that money because there's a value in the service he provided so just a couple quick tips for you on think of it as a business not a hobby and think of when you're a consumer and you pay for something you're glad you paid for that's how customers are going to see you there's a value in the service you provide and and it's going to take some practice it's going to take some practice look in the marketplace what are other people charging for home renovations you structure the business and the charging the way that you want to but i think that the first one will be the hardest the second one will be a little easier third will be a little easier over time it will get easier so i read a book recently i'm kind of a nerd and uh i don't have a lot of friends but i read a lot the book is called chatter by ethan cross and one of the big takeaways he's a professor from university of michigan talked about how we activate our fight-or-flight responses how we activate some of our natural fear responses and interestingly when we say the words and this is right alongside this is like some neuroscience that validates it with some science john i mean that when we say things like i and we i'm it's the reason why you might be thinking i don't know why i can't seem to communicate with my wife today i i'm missing the boat here your heart starts racing you get that pit in your stomach you get that headache your back hurts but when your buddy calls you and says hey can you help me with my marriage you're able to rattle off well yeah ding dong do one two and three when we talk to ourselves in third person for some reason it doesn't activate our bodies it doesn't get that shame that worth that i should be doing this for free i'm a good guy i have a faith component i'm a person of faith and we should just give everything away because that's what you know i wonder if you talked about um this is about the business i wonder if you can separate yourself and not say what should i charge because now your body's going to respond because this is an identity issue instead of saying what should mike charge for that mike should charge 250 or 2500 for that that's a fair price and your body will not get as emotionally invested it won't fire off the cortisol and the adrenaline to try to protect you from you or from the shame or from the rejection that you're going to experience and that's another key component here people are going to tell you sorry we can't afford that right now or we took another bid and what you're going to have to do is really practice not letting that say that means mike's lame or mike's not a good guy or mike's a bad guy or mike does probably work overtime that's going to give you data about your pricing and your value and what kind of work you do but not internalizing sure right and weighing on you but i love i love i love that you are retiring and heading to something one of the things we see often folks retire and then they just want to prop their feets up feed up and just do nothing and man then then our bodies fall apart on us our minds fell upon us so that is you're going to continue to give gifts to other people and yourself and that's incredible well and just know mike too that if you start out and you price a little too low out of the gate you can increase your prices and you will and people do and that's normal so don't put all this pressure on yourself to come out with the perfect price out of the gate start with something that you can say with confidence and then as your confidence builds your prices can increase and you'll you'll get those muscles strengthened but that's so fascinating you can even name the business call it mike's home renovations well mike's home renovation charges this as if you're not even mike that's good you're just representing mike's home renovations and just so you know like so when i go speak at certain events like i have a speaker's fee that runs through ramsey and businesses and and colleges whatever bring me in to speak this past weekend i did a particular event at a newer group with a new group so i actually charged less because it was going to be a different type of talk for me it was going to be a different and so i'm helping them with the price but it's also a beta for me right i'm practicing new old material in a new place or new material in a different place and so it's okay if you normally do cabinetry and somebody asked you for a fence to say i'm going to give you a little bit lower rate i'm going to learn this and then after this i can say i do fences too right so everybody's winning in this thing yeah excellent absolute advice but uh thank you so so much for that question yeah let us know how it goes report back when you do it thank you i love that i love you man um christy you talk you have that conversation all the time all the time it's about value yeah it's not about you it's the value i think you go get coffee at starbucks or somewhere i want the coffee more than my five dollars they want my five dollars it's an exchange of value take all your feelings out of it there's a there's a value in what you're doing and people are willing to pay for that value oh i love that what would christy charge for this or what would john do you know what john should john charge for this not what should i charge right yes so fast we'll be right back on the ramsay show so today's scripture is john 8 12. jesus said i am the light of the world whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of the world mark twain says the two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why man i love mark twain it's pretty deep i mean we can camp there for a while all right let's go to ruth in san antonio hey ruth what's going on oh well i'm a big dave brimsy person and i have your book and listened to a couple of times uh recently back in january i have been taking care of my mother who had dementia for two and a half years unfortunately she developed coveted and passed away in january i'm sorry and i'm excuse me i'm trying not to get upset no you're good i'm i'm the executor of the estate and i have two siblings that are making it very hard for me they're you know you should have done this you should have done that and recently they're accusing me of stealing money from my mother and uh i'm not really sure how to handle it and like i've requested bank statements so i can go back and say oh hey look here's where this money is here's where this money is and it it's kind of funny because for two and a half years they said nothing no one ever came to see her it was up to me to take her to see them and now it's well you know and so that's kind of my terrible story oh i'm so sorry yeah i'm so sorry so ruth a couple of things here number one i'm so sorry about the loss of your mom um have you had a chance to exhale and sit in that i had good days and bad days and yesterday was a bad day because i had to hang up on her because she was telling me that she hoped i could live with myself and that god could forgive pray for god to forgive me for what i've done to the family and i'm like i took care of my mother that's right so bad so um listen you are not solving a math problem here this is not a forensic issue i'm gonna give your brother and sister the benefit of the doubt and say that i'm gonna assume they are struggling with guilt over not being there for mom that they are heartbroken that their mom's gone that every time they see something on tv about another cova death or another thousand kova deaths or that brings up mom and they are choosing unfortunately to channel that guilt and anger and sadness and heartbreak at you do you deserve that no and again i'm giving them the high benefit the doubt the the low benefit of that is their jerks and their complete scumbags and they went and had a drink one night together and thought hey man let's get our hands on some of mom's money i don't want to go there but you can go get bank statements and do forensic accounting and all that kind of stuff i wouldn't spend my energy on that unless they sue you what you're trying to do is prove yourself to you and you don't need to do that often when people are taking care of folks who have dementia you watch the most important person in your life slowly slip away and it's really painful because it's like a slow motion accident and it just slips through your fingers and it's almost a slow-motion trauma right and it it weighs on your personal relationships your finances your time and you live in fight-or-flight for a couple of years and then you finally wake up and you realize your identity is different you don't know where you are what i should be doing because i've been having to keep somebody else alive and okay for the last couple years and that's why i ask you if you sad in it not in your brother and sister situation but in i lost my mom and it's heartbreaking and then the two people that you would hope would rally around you are not they're forming an alliance against you and you find yourself totally alone and it's really sad because there's no gratitude at all i know but listen listen you're using your grief and your sadness and you're looking for people to channel that on what i'm going to ask you to do is to forgive your brother and sister stop responding to them and move on your mom chose you for a reason it may be just why what we're seeing right now why she chose you because she knew they were immature and they were um not people of integrity and so she chose you to handle the estate have you done right by that estate yes have you ever stolen a dime did you honor your mother in her last few years yes then i want you to go to sleep with peace in your heart your brother and sister no longer get a vote and that's hard to say they no longer get a vote and i want you to forgive them and stop taking those calls stop taking the abuse stop giving yourself other jobs in order to make people who are not well and who are taking crap out on you to try to make them happy because you're not it's it's throwing water into an endless well you'll never fill it up you did right ruth and now it's time to grieve your mom and then come up with the next chapter of ruth's life which unfortunately is not going to include your brother and sister for the time being right yeah ruth i have to tell you i have unfortunately had a front row seat to watch this happen to different different families that i know and this exact process losing a parent the executor of the will the siblings involved can bring out the absolute worst in some people and people that you thought were so close before that happened are no longer close and it is a sad thing to watch it's a sad thing to experience but the one thing i would offer uh as an encouragement piggybacking on what john said which is so true is their behavior says something about them not about you you ha you know what you have done and not done you were chosen for this you have not stolen money just like you just said you have done right by her and you're going to stand on that and you're not going to let any of their emails their texts their calls their accusations their hateful words that they are spewing at you you're going to stand on the truth of who you are and what you know and what you have done and just like john said let that give you peace tonight because the way that they're acting says something about them it's not a reflection of you this is hard hard hard ruth oh it is and i've been taking your advice i'm exercising again i've even signed up for a half marathon that's awesome discovered this grace for purpose on youtube and i listen to that a bunch you know and i'm trying to get back to that point and it's it's helped a lot but then when someone throws a new thing at you you go okay so i ate some cookies today hey you know what it's it's we all need some cookies every now and then that's exactly right um grieving the loss of our parents is hard it's hard it's not easy the path is hard and it's especially hard when people we love throw rocks at us along the way and it shouldn't be that way and unfortunately it is and it's time to grieve that loss and your brothers and sisters unfortunately and they no longer get a vote i'm proud of you i'm so proud of you for stepping up and doing the the debate what i call the basics right taking care of your body and your mind and your you know entertaining optimistic choices about i'm gonna i'm gonna discover a new purpose right that's awesome so great and here here's we only have a few minutes left so i won't just get on a soapbox okay but if you are struggling in your grief if you lost someone that you care about which there have been a lot of loss now 24 months if you're feeling shame or guilt or what you didn't say or did say or what i didn't do or how don't take that out on somebody else don't weaponize your grief and hurt somebody else because you're hurting yeah have the courage to say i'm sad how could you help someone identify that they're doing that any time sometimes i'm thinking most people probably don't realize they're doing it or are intentionally doing it when you find yourself enraged or angry at somebody that you should otherwise love that's a that's a moment for you to step back and take a breath and ask this question i got this from my my good friend jordan bunch he worked for me once and um i asked him once just as his supervisor how are you always so moving through the world so lightly and he said every time i have a problem i first look in the mirror and say jordan would you contribute to this and so i have taken that with me forever and sometimes i overdo it and i take on too much sure but as somebody who is prone to blame and prone to point fingers it's been a it's been an extraordinary exercise for last 10 or 15 years to look in the mirror and say what am i contributing to this so if you are leaning against your brother or your sister and mom just died and you were enraged at why didn't they you should have look in the mirror and say is it me that's hurting here and does it really matter yeah because i miss my sister right yeah so that's just a that's just an idea ruth we're so grateful for you i want to thank james childs and kelly daniel for running the show and keeping things rocking and rolling actually kelly's name here we got jenna in the booth jenna thank you so much hey we love being with you we'll see you next time on the ramsay show hey it's kelly associate producer and phone screener for the ramsay show if you would like to do your debt free scream live on the show make sure you visit theramsieshow.com and register we would love for you to come to nashville and tell dave your story you

Channel: The Ramsey Show - Full Episodes

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Id: Rw85qTXGmIA

Length: 121min 12sec (7272 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 16 2021