Do we actually want vulnerable men?

today's topic this time I wanted to cover for a long long time I think mostly because for me it's been a point that's almost made me angry when it comes to dating I think as a society we often tell young men and men in general that they need to be more emotionally vulnerable that they need to be comfortable with expressing themselves and what I've come to learn through my dating experiences is that when I've taken the time to be emotionally vulnerable with the women I've been seeing romantically I've seen it backfire I've seen times where I've shared what I am feeling with women and I've seen them get less attracted to me and so I decided to interview some men to see if they had a similar experience user management resume when they have different phone pasilla from the palasa sure yeah I think so yeah I get it like I'm not that type of person but I get it because oftentimes we we don't think we are like this as women but we we have very old-school ways of thinking about how men should be my man to be crying you know I mean I cry every 28 days of my cycle I don't want my man to be crying every 8:28 time with the right people yeah always worth it even if it ends in heartbreak the journey is worth it always yes often often we have this societal pressure of being a man so I need to toughen up I hate the show and command respect and then willy-nilly someone will decide well in this situation you should have been softer calmer and better and then the pendulum goes the other way and then you've told now you're too soft so I constantly I am myself Aaron currently when I meet women I'm not sure on which foot the dance right now yeah women are being taught to deal with immense anger immense desire a man's sexuality we're being taught how to handle those situation but we're never being taught how to handle a man being sad or a man being hurt or a man being disappointed so we're used to like men like keeping it together I think that obviously it's societal conditioning in growth so when you have this perception of what a man is supposed to be sacrificing you use that in our video that we did together on my channel as a collab but you talked about the sacrifice where men have to sacrifice their time their bodies their safety and a lot of times their emotions like they are the rock the emotional rock of the family and so a lot of people grew up never seeing their dad cry or their grandfather whoever was the present male force in their life and so they associate that with strength with being a pillar of strength and so I think when you see a man be vulnerable even though you acknowledge that it's healthy for them it also starts to create the seed of doubt in your mind because all that you've been conditioned to believe about masculinity says that this pillar is not supposed to bend break or sob I mean one of my favorite philosophers says this that what we often tend to do in relationships is that we use vulnerability the wrong times so I'm vulnerable at your expense versus I'm vulnerable to be informative so an example of that is hey just so you know when I get around bright lights I start biting people I'm informing you in a vulnerable sense I'm informing you before the thing has happened versus the light went on I started biting you now you're hurt and now I'm trying to explain to you why it is that I bite with bright lights okay so that happens a lot where people have to then be emotionally available for somebody who has harmed them okay you're expecting empathy from somebody whom is your attacker let's interested no no I love someone who's like open and it's sharing their life stories depends on what you're opening up about if that's something like say it's a it could be also a sore spot for that person to deal with if you engage in a relationship and it's starting they may not be at a point yet where they're ready to hear some information about your personal life and that doesn't mean that they're wrong yeah you know there are certain aspects of your stuff that you have to gradually let people in incrementally some people are not ready to hear about yes so learning experiences so I respect that for me personally I will share with someone when I truly feel ready I had society put pressure on me taught me I needed to be more emotional and I hated it but I decided to do it because I was told that was the right thing and what I found person is I felt like I was violating myself and my own boundaries in order to he's what the world thought I should do now I'm very patient with it and if a girl kind of pressures me I'd like I'll get to it when I'm ready just know I'm not there yet and that works better for me all loving when our men are vulnerable and show emotion right well according to singer Rihanna it depends what they're crying about Rihanna posted this meet instances if we get together and your ex died and you cry you single somebody says and you start weeping everything I think if you have such uncontrollable emotion when it comes to that person that you can't even control it to not do it in front of your current spouse that you might still have some type of feelings for that first one hundred thousand percent I agree [Music] so you okay hold on I've often heard women say I've had to see him cry on a wedding day or this animate the won't feel special mm-hmm and sometimes I often feel like mends and motions are almost fetishized yes by women in the sense that they oh he let me see that I feel special yeah it's only letting me see that and so what do you realize that there isn't that much space for men's emotions in those relationships and it's crazy I see a lot of older couples and you'll realize in a lot of older couples the man never speaks the man rarely says anything and the woman takes up all the emotional space in the conversation am I wrong no the women take up all the emotional space and the guys are just kind of understood that their emotions are secondary and so they keep to themselves I'm not saying this to criticize women this is like me trying to tackle this issue because I'm trying to understand what I'm going through and what society is telling me and the reality I keep facing and what a lot of men keep facing and so what you realize that there isn't that much space for men's emotions in those relationships it's more so about the woman getting to feel special and so almost deep values the male experience and perverts it that's something I've experienced before this is why I think I probably would exist on both ends right like there's going to be times that we all enjoy or delight in someone's pain if it's directly that makes us feel better about ourselves for example I went to go see the Joker and in the Joker I sat beside a Joker wannabe and this is a joke now but I was balling in two theaters because this guy I'm in I live in America and he had a black backpack that he sat on his lap he stared at me for the bulk of the film he said to me at one point I just wanna see you're gonna react to this point he knew the words the movie before the words would come out he sang along to the songs he would say the punch line before the Joker to the punch line when you say for the whole movie because I felt like if I got up cuz even my husband was sitting beside me and Jared was like do you need me to move but I'm like I felt I was responsible for the livelihood of the theatre I felt like it did not feel empathy from me I felt like if you didn't feel empathy for me and didn't see me cry that he would blow everybody out let me tell you it was one of those fears with the reclining chairs if i sat my chair up he would send his chair up take your second I think you were dealing with a psychopath yes that's not indicative of the regular experience I should've two girls like collecting them I like see women got problems like aside from that though we get out of the theater and my partner and then his brother was there as well too like he embraced me and then we were just he was just like in that moment getting to protect right like getting to be that so I think that in those moments and that oh she feels safe around me like Brooke having this moment I think that that's what a woman's emotions is seen as like sexy okay I've never I've never looked at a woman who's vulnerable or that we can say I want to hug that's like I just want to make sure she's okay that's it literally I never thought like this is attractive or I feel special I know it was just like I want to make sure you're good that's but maybe some men think that I think that if a man can be in a protective position it'll feel like they're shielding you and then that's an emotional release from you there is some pleasure in that because they feel like they're getting to in turn give you support protection so I'm just saying that might be an example I think the example I first gave spot-on but you made me go to the second one wage what about the kid yes that's spot-on one you'll be done again when a child cries because they're going to school and have to be separated from their mother and as much as you don't want your child to feel sad there is something pleasurable about their sadness because you know they just love they love you so much hmm so in that sense like I said I guess that's a good example yeah I would say that thank you it sounds good I'll see it like I'd come and open myself but my feelings would be directed in another way I feel like my feelings were used to strenghten another argument that for that reason I don't open up about my shit because most people when they're good not then I have they're not gonna have any resources they're gonna use that against you I mean I had one girl I was briefly singing you guys remember this video potentially but I told her anything that my father wasn't in my life any longer I didn't explain to her how but he just wasn't in my life and in a heated argument where she was screaming at me and I was being very quiet at one point she said this is why your father walked out on you because you're nothing in life not knowing that my father had passed away and so she said that and she used my secret against me and I was just like okay cool I understand what that is you know what though like there's it's a double-edged sword because at the same time if you want to have you know really powerful relationships with people they have to see you in sometimes they're not most positive light yeah and you know I get what you're doing you're being selective as to preserve yourself but in order to be able to be as open and to have the best relations in people you have to have that kind of debt and sometimes I don't need to open up something I don't need to say all my sees I'm I don't have anything to say like I'm just gonna say some shit like yeah I rap these conversations with some of my friends like yeah I said a lot of shit I said a lot of shit like I opened up to you I opened up to you but you don't never open up about my life yo maybe I don't need it yeah it's not like it's not give me a secret I'll give you a secret relationship because I'm here if you need I'm here yeah but doesn't mean I have to reciprocate this is a straight fax your life expectancy decreases the less emotional outlets that you have unless you express yourself less outlets you have for healthy expression of stress in addition your culpability in the workplace is going to decrease especially as we have more jobs taken out by robotics and now the only resource that humans really have left is our ability to work together and our ability to work may be in very light sedentary environments on team-based projects and/or creative projects and so your femininity your vulnerability is integral to your survival in the workplace okay and then on a third basis like it makes for a healthier relationship full honesty like there's definitely a time in my life it's like 10 years ago where men have shown that the partners I was with like shown vulnerability and I thought it was funny and I didn't think it was masculine and for me it was the sign of weakness the more I work on myself and the more that doesn't scare me so much anymore it's actually strength you know because we're part of the patriarchy we're just as active in it you know I mean like I think and that's it we're just participating in that too but then we're like yes there's totally the double standard we were like hey show you emotions and then when they do we don't know how to how to deal with it I I think it's true I think they might be having some backlash and backfires on that because we do want men to be more vulnerable but at the same time it's like oh don't be too vulnerable I don't like this now I'm not attracted to you you have to acknowledge that maybe you went too far with it sure yeah that I definitely looked at that possibility well I mean that's what it's all so hard to know what's too far with what person I feel like if you're starting a sentence of like it all began when I was five yeah no one's going that people I think that I I can tell you this only from a standpoint of I look at the abuse people put on me abuse is a don't have a better word for it but if you went through my DMS right now yeah I literally used to have in my info box please no DMS because it is just P I'm a complete stranger on the Internet with their nonsense exactly not nonsense but real problems like accounts of abuse accounts of manipulation like and just paragraphs on paragraphs now my I'm a stranger in fact of what they're doing in today exactly how I feel you I get you oh just peachy go get a therapist and no not with services not a sponsored video but like better helper talk space you can choose rates you can actually do what you do by your phone you can do by text messaging which is fairly cheap but there's a lot of very accessible ways to get help in a licensed professional who is pay to and equipped to help you with your problems and issues I think there's a misconception that men aren't capable of being emotionally vulnerable I think we quite are I think those spaces however where we are vulnerable are reserved mostly just for men and I think the big reason for that is that we communicate between each other in a way that's palatable and and easier to digest and I don't think that happens just along gender or sex lines it also happens along profession social class you know education levels like there are certain understandings that you will have if you have a certain live shared lived experience you know I was in the military before and the way we communicate amongst military personnel is very different than the way we communicated with civilians we would have conversations in the military that if a civilian would hear they would find abhorrent but you have to understand your environment shapes you it shapes your language and so as a result the way we talk may seem abhorrent to them but because we understand what kind of environment we were raised in and shaped in there isn't that weirdness or that kind of judgmental feel that comes from it their language isn't necessarily our language the same way with the way women communicate amongst each other isn't the same way that men communicate amongst each other so I think that's why there's this perception that men aren't vulnerable we are just not when you guys are around and I've always thought it odd when people said men are emotional actually scientifically speaking men are far more emotional than women we just don't express in the same way and we are far more I guess it's almost like it feels more intimate this is just a theory a sidebar I think men treat their emotional sanctity the way a lot of women treat their sexual sanctity meaning if a woman has sex too fast oftentimes they can feel cheapened if a man reveals his emotions too fast oftentimes he'll feel like he cheapened himself and so I've had times where I've shared before I was ready and I almost felt like I hoard myself out and so when you aren't ready to go to that place and you're pressured into it you feel cheap and as far as the solution goes I don't know what it is I just wanted us to kind of start that discussion to ask ourselves do we really want men to be emotional what does that really look like are we ready for it and what are we gonna lose if we encourage people to go down that what is it gonna look like for relationships for people who say they don't want you to traditional gender roles but actually still live by them in a lot of ways these are all kinds of questions that I don't have answers to but I think we need to oppose and I think like preached at preached had a really beautiful way of saying what he thought the solution was what do you think is kind of the solutions to this problem we've gotta be able to talk more the solution is the problem we're having a problem opening up but the solution is opening up on both sides I mean women need to open up about stuff may need to open up about stuff but honestly judging the other because sometimes one woman opened up too much they're being deemed as crazy and you praise you create now some time they need to open up but would be be without being called crazy and many to people to open up without being called the weak there's things that both of the both parties experiencing and both parties need to let know on the other side and you can't you can't always call a woman crazy when she's opening up you can't always call a man weak when he's opening up you know I mean conversation hmm I think I think that's really well said I don't think I could say it any better than that any other points you want to add about this conversation about vulnerability no I don't but not much [Laughter] so you know to add to that what I would say is like men make sure that you have different avenues to talk about your emotions and whatever you're going through not just your romantic partner but your friends right maybe a support group I knew I had an online forum I used to go to about my problems a lot of the time so whatever it might be build a network of different things that you can use and the last thing I would say is thank you to Shan Shan who was down to do this project to all the people I interviewed who were done to open up about their experience a big thank you to you guys cuz I know it's not easy to admit when you were wrong or when you engaged and behavior that you think is problematic but because we're able to talk about this we can however we can encourage people have a better understanding of themselves so yeah that's it for today's video leave your comments below we want to know what do you think about males of emotional vulnerability had there's ever been a time where man's been emotionally vulnerable with you and you reacted negatively to it have you as a man shared what you were thinking and feeling and had people recoil or encourage you I want to have a really great discussion about that [Music] so if you guys want to check out chain I'll leave the comments I'll leave a description all these kind of annotation in the video and definitely check out our stuff cuz I actually been Affairs before she stood in the teams so that's I said in the DMS I did yeah the dudes just sound like you were creeping so make sure you just you just say I slid into a collaborative opportunity which sounds even worse yeah whatever in this so today's topic men's vulnerability so I actually have a special guest in the building you know that his voice changed as soon as he started recording you got a go youtube voice well it's funny to place it's like hey so it's a little bit deeper yeah okay I'm mad at that just want you guys now a little bit high well you know since you're such an expert my name is Shambu dream I go by Shambu D online I am a public-facing sex and relationship educator and also a fan of a band preach I don't know why you're laughing right now during my introduction but I can just picture preach right now but I her name is sham booty I want to check her Instagram my boy Bodie with a D to play on my last name versus the play on my Anatomy just to keep it to manage expectations which i think is the most important recipe and happiness okay this is something to talk about very quickly how endearing it is the love that you have for preach right because you bring them up in conversation frequently and you act as if he would be in the room yeah like here's what he would say or here's what he would like or here's how he would react to this yeah you know what it is it's more so I think like just PTSD because I'm so he's still working with him and he traumatizes me with his like what I'm just when I'm in front of a camera so used to having him beside me that sometimes I'm just saying oh this feels different ya hear his voice again might be like let's just send that Nick for therapeutic reasons this is pretty right okay all right there that's weird you're rubbing his belly let's not do that anymore he has a habit of her interjecting with songs don't say a word I'll be like I'll be like that's enough or say something like it's funny how anybody it's funny how money changes the situation like from Lauryn Hill's doo-wop song so i hear songs every time someone say something and I hear song another fuck it's him again he's in my head who's the beyoncé and the two of you do why'd you even ask I'm not sure you know who it is who do you think is the Beyonce between me and priests the reason why I say preach is only because he is majority the thumbnails okay okay so when you see Beyonce what do you mean by that the lead of the group oh the lead of the group okay I feel like I'm what I think it'd be honest I think a bigger personality that's what I thought she meant so he's definitely the bigger personality I kick up far more of the work okay so it's kinda yells of the group sure I don't know whose messiness dad the dad behind the scenes some puppies dead we keep this Bo's

Channel: Aba & Preach

Views: 652,907

Rating: 4.9677272 out of 5

Keywords: men cry, boys cry, vulnerability is sexy, show emotions, toxic masculinity, MGTOW

Id: YusmJxdCkqI

Length: 22min 52sec (1372 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 03 2019