How To Know If You Are Compatible With Your Spouse

Nobody wants to marry the wrong person, and no one wants to be married to the wrong person. With the rise of personality tests, dating sites, and self-proclaimed experts, it seems like many people are ready to tell you the exact kind of person that you should or shouldn't be with. Let me explain. On many popular dating sites, it's common to fill out a survey where you lay out your favorite hobbies, interests, tell about your mannerisms, what you like, what you don't like; all of that kind of stuff. And then based on your answers it matches you with a person that based on their algorithm you would be most compatible with. And I'm not saying that those algorithms are wrong, in fact, there are parts of them that are just virtually trying to expedite over the internet what would typically happen when developing a relationship in person. But here's where the issue can come in: it can make people think that there is one perfect person out there for them, or it can make people focus on the wrong things to measure whether or not they are compatible with someone, and when you're dating that can be all fine and good. But once you are married and you have more invested into the relationship or you have kids together, then if you're still trying to measure your compatibility by the more superficial measures like having the same hobbies or both being clean freaks then you're actually missing the real focus of what actually makes people compatible and what makes a relationship work. It's nice to have similar hobbies and to have similar personalities, sure. But it can also be nice to be married to someone completely different. For one person to encourage you to try new things and do things different ways, but here's the thing: all relationships end up being hard and having problems, even if according to algorithms or personality test it says that you are the perfect match. All relationships take work. There's actually three things that, according to research, can determine where a relationship is and what the future might hold, or maybe a better way to put it is this: there are three things that can make love last. And isn't that what we're really wondering when we're asking are we compatible? We're wanting to know: is this relationship going to last? Can we make it work? And it's about much more than whether or not you both like to travel or if you view finances the same way or if you both like to eat Chinese food. it's much much deeper than that I'm Kimberly Holmes I'm the CEO at marriage hoeper and at marriage help or one of the resources that we offer you is we have a free quiz that you can take that will help you understand where your relationship is according to these three measurements that I will get into in just a minute you can find that link in the description below according to the research of dr. Sternberg he and his team identified three items that determine love and that are present in lasting relationships and here's what those three things are the first one is intimacy the second one is passion and the third one is commitment intimacy is basically this how open honest and transparent can I be with my partner do I feel like I can open up to them talk to them and be vulnerable do I feel like they care do I feel like they're listening to me when I'm speaking a lot of times we think that intimacy is sex but we all know that we can be sexual with someone and have no intimacy intimacy is a relationship it's not an act and sex without intimacy just feels empty and it goes the same with passion passion isn't about sex either it's about more than just sex although sex can be a part of it passion is the craving to be one with someone physically in part but for a lasting relationship emotionally to miss your spouse when they're gone the want and desire to experience life with them a few years ago I was in Paris with a girl friend of mine and as we were walking back to our hotel after dinner one evening we found ourselves on this bridge that had the perfect view of the Eiffel Tower and if you've ever been to Paris you know that there's only one hour each night that they turn on the lights on the Eiffel Tower to make them sparkle like diamonds and this was one of those moments it was stunning in Paris to me is like a grownup Disney World everything the architecture it's just beautiful and it was one of the most beautiful places and in that moment all I could think was I wish my husband was here with me but it's not just in the big events like that it's even in the small things like if Rob is gone one evening having a guys night out and I'm home watching Netflix watching friends and I'm laughing at it I miss him being there and sharing that moment with him I miss the oneness of the relationship and then there's the third one and that's commitment because there's a lot of people who will use you to get what they want but there are less people who will commit to for better for worse till death do us part commitment is the willingness to stay to work things out through the fights and the bad days and the sickness and just the day-to-day stress of life dr. Sternberg defines it as the willingness to continue the relationship there's more research that we teach in our workshops that we do at marriage helpers specifically about all of the things that make up commitment and there's actually ten things that make up commitment and only three of them have anything to do with wanting to be committed there are many reasons we stay committed to a relationship and you want to have as many of those as possible and I can't go into what all of those are in this video but if you take our quiz then the answers that you give based on the questions that we have will tell you more about where you might be in each of these three areas and where your relationship might fall but the bottom line of these three things is this if you have the intimacy the deep relationship where you are connecting emotionally if you have the passion the craving to be one with someone physically and emotionally and if you have the commitment to stick things out no matter what happens your relationship will last you might not be compatible according to the myers-briggs or the Enneagram or whatever it might be but absolutely doesn't mean anything there was a couple I was talking to a few years ago who said that they went to their pastor about the marriage problems they were having and their pastor gave them the Myers Brigg and then according to their results from the Myers Briggs the pastor said oh you two shouldn't be together you should go ahead and get divorced and that's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard a Myers Briggs a disc assessment an Enneagram whatever it might be is not gonna tell you whether or not you married the right person or whether or not you should get divorced it simply tells you what each of you are like what makes you tick what your personality is like I won't go into all of that here but no matter what your personality styles are everyone's gonna have issues everyone's gonna have to learn how to speak the other person's language it's all about having these three things the intimacy the passion the commitment that is what makes marriages and relationships last all of these other things are just symptoms that people focus on when the real thing to focus on is so much deeper now when you take our free quiz with the link that you can find below there's only going to be three questions and this isn't as in-depth of a quiz as we could give you it's only brief questions that are going to give you an oversight of where your relationship might be and based on the question that it's going to give you for each of these three areas is going to tell you where your relationship falls and it's going to give you some advice and guidance on what you can do to increase the areas that might be low because here's the thing your relationship is not going to be 10 out of 10 in all of these areas every day the days that are will be amazing but most days aren't you will feel less passionate about your spouse after having a huge fight or you're going to feel less intimate with your spouse if you feel like they aren't listening to anything that you're saying that's why it's important to measure these items over a long period of time the average over a few months or a few years as opposed to yesterday or today or what happened at lunch think about it over a longer period of time and if you take our quiz with that in my then the results will share with you which areas you are high in which areas you may be low in in here's the key how you can work to improve those areas this isn't something that you look at and you say oh well we're low in intimacy or passion or commitment or two of those or maybe even all three of those therefore we should just end it no not at all it is simply a measure of where you can start focusing on how to make things better and then do the things that will increase each area don't throw the relationship away try and fix it first so what if you're an extrovert and he's an introvert so what if you like to have things orderly and your spouse is more messy so what if you have the intimacy the passion and the commitment or at least are willing to do the things to try and have all those three things then you can have a great relationship even if you feel like there's no love that all three areas are low there is still a way to try and see if it can work even if you feel like you have done things to try and fix it have you focused on the right things we want to help if you are engaged or married or even separated then we have tools and resources to help you and your marriage transform thrive and be better than ever take the quiz below to get started or if you're ready to hop in to deeper help through one of our workshops our online courses or the coaching that we offer you can give us a call at eight six six nine zero three zero nine nine zero or you can visit our website at marital / you can fix what seems broken we can help

Channel: Marriage Helper

Views: 55,952

Keywords: love, hate, husband, wife, marriage, divorce, limerence, affair, cheating, spouse, children, attorney, advice, tips, coaching, counseling, liar, narcissist, compatibility, lasting love, make love last, endearing, commited, marriage vows, relationship advice, how to, self development, self help, eneagram, disc profile, love languages, compatible, are we compatible, will our relationship last?, are we a good match for eachother, how to know if they're the right one

Id: ZioarJ18mQk

Length: 11min 3sec (663 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 29 2019