Grief | How to Deal With Loss

[Music] well good evening everybody thank you so much for being here my name is Jeff Henderson and I'm a lead pastor at Gwinnett Church and we're so honored that you're here so grateful that you're here and we hope you're gonna have a great night and as Amy said we're gonna talk about something that's something we all encounter and they would all experience and the people too am i right are an amazing panel and they're going to share their story with you and we're gonna learn from them and what we're gonna do is not only learn from them we're gonna apply what we learn from them in terms of helping the people at your church in your location and you know that one of the truths that we can take away from tonight and you know this because you're in the middle of this as you're as you're seeking to serve and minister to people that the Scriptures teach that the Lord draws near to the brokenhearted and the Lord is our ultimate comforter but it isn't it isn't an amazing that knowing that even though that the Lord is our ultimate comforter he uses you and uses me for that comfort to come through and so on behalf of our churches and our locations we want to say thank you for that and thank you for what you're doing what we're doing here tonight we hope will be a helpful resource for you and for the people that you are ministering mystery to and serving so I want you to meet the panel and we're gonna start my good friend Jin here they're going to tell you a little bit of their story a little bit of their background and then we're gonna dive into a few questions and as we kind of process this tonight so gentlemen start with you great well my name is Jen Goldsberry and I walked through loss back in 2008 my husband Michael fought cancer for two years before passing away at the time he was only 31 when he passed away and we had two small children at the time just three and four years old hi my name is Barbara Carlin and I'm glad to be here tonight and share with you folks my story is about my mother and grief comes in many different shapes and forms and she had cancer and passed away in 2008 as well but when past not only did I grieve her the loss of her in that moment but I grieved for all that wasn't and wish that was and when someone passes you lose the hope that something would be different and so she's not she had a life not very easy and made some choices that had some very severe consequences and to watch that and and love your loved one someone you loved so much and you wish so much more for God had more for her but now she is with the more she was a believer and so that's my Mike my comfort I'm Kym Reardon and I thought that the loss of two pregnancies in the last trimester was enough grief for one family and my youngest son came down with a very rare severe illness that it was the first to live from he was five and a half he was left with major aggression and mental difficulties and a lot of other disorders our world changed and while still in that crisis mode my mother faced cancer it was headed towards her brain and during her treatment we realized that my dad had leukemia and he died eighteen months later two and then two days before Christmas two years following that my oldest and closest sister committed suicide and during all of this reeling of crisis I suffered the toughest hardest divorce and guardianship battle that I have ever thought anyone could face and still continue the battle some of that at times goodness my name is Terrance good evening my name is Taryn Smith and part of my grieve story is about four years ago to the month actually I lost my father kind of unexpectedly and then on this pretty much on the same I lost my cousin my first cousin a good good friend of mine so one of the hardest things for me to do was so much my father was in the hospital and we was dying and we knew it and so I ended up sending my mom home because I felt there was some pride all my dad's been having he didn't want her to witness him that way and to see him die and so I sent her home and about 15 minutes after she left he passed away and so later on that day we went home and as we were starting to figure out what the services and things would look like for my father I got a phone call from my uncle and my uncle said he said hey have you heard about Terrance who was my cousin who was my namesake he said have you heard about Terrance and I said no you know what's going on and he said well Terrance was killed last night in a hit-and-run and so one of the hardest things I've ever had to do was to walk out of that room walk into the next room and tell my mother who had just lost her husband you also lost your nephew one of your favorite nephews and so that's kind of my grief story and the things that uh I've experienced just over the last four years or so well first of all thank all four of you for for sharing your story and being willing to just open up to us and let us kind of inside of your journey and we're gonna we're gonna be very honest and about the great process and so I want to talk start first with Jenn and Terrance and I want to talk about how did how did people support you during this and when it when words were not enough you know we're always searching for the right or hurts through and so how do people support you and then how do you wish looking back that they would have supported you I am so grateful that I was surrounded by such great community when I was walking through Michaels sickness and then his loss I was grateful to have a group of people that were around me that were intentional with where I was at and looking for needs I already had that I maybe didn't even realize I had so one of the biggest helps for me was having that group of people who like saw a need and then just jumped in and took care of it it was they didn't ask me if they could they didn't talk about it or try to get me to answer a question but they saw it and just did their always simple things like food and people came and mowed my yard but then they tried to do like some fun things that would maybe just bring a smile to my face like planting fresh flowers in the spring or redoing the mulch one year a group of guys came and put Christmas lights on the outside of my house which we've never had before just a fun way to acknowledge that some things that I couldn't do but that would bring a little joy to my family I think for me it's the same it's very similar I had a community of people that were incredible and a lot of it was they step right in and did the things that needed to be done without me asking the interesting thing was during the time of all this we were in the middle of purging its purchasing our first home my family was and so you can imagine that whole process and everything you go through with inspectors and that whole thing and and we were in North Carolina where my family is from and trying to figure out how to make this whole thing work and so a lot of my friends and family just stepped up and did whatever it took to be there and I think the other thing was they a lot of them asked me to knowing that I am very I'm a very practical human being sometimes to a fault they ask me like hey to you how how can we best support you and I think their presence to be able to step up and do what they did but also just their physical presence during that time was extremely helpful and and they would sit and and say things like hey I don't have any words but but I'll sit here with you it sounds like the presence and proactivity we're gonna be proactive Christmas lights out whether you like them or not that's great so I want to turn to Kim and in Barbara in Jin as well so what would you say to a person who's lost someone close to them and what what should we avoid saying because in the attempt of trying to say the right words and and Terrance I think you made a good point sometimes it's just our presence but sometimes that silence is uncomfortable so we kind of throw some words on there sometimes aren't helpful at all so what should we avoid saying when someone is going through a grieving process what I'll start with you I think what's helpful is I'm here for you and only 7% of all communication is verbal everything else is nonverbal and what mostly Walt said was very proactive and it was faith and good works without words but some words to be able to say I don't know what to say but I'm here for you and so quality time time is a wonderful commodity we don't just spend money we spend time and to spend time with someone says I value you scripture says where your heart is or your treasure is theirs your heart and so what a treasure to say matter and I'm just gonna show up in a culture that sometimes we don't show up well so that is you know a wonderful opportunity what not to say if you have a loss you know lost pregnancy or something there will be more opportunities or me you know you lose a pet you know you can get another dog or you know something along that or if it's really early on and raw both of you said you don't have words and you don't want people to ask you a lot of things because when you're in shock and it's new broth that's not the time to share Scripture God's Word is alive and it's awesome grief is a process and maybe in a little bit of time those would be comforting but at first it's it's too much it's overwhelming so that's good during the loss of the pregnancies one of our neighbors turned to my son and said God needed an Angels so they took your baby and he had nightmares for a long time until I realized what was told to him and then we had a conversation about it but there's a time and a place for things I don't know when that has a place but it really you need to be careful of what you're saying don't be repeating things that you've heard are good kind of think it through does it apply in that situation and I had people come and just camp out on the other side of the pedes ICU all when I was there for six weeks and they brought me lunch they were praying together they every time I got out to go to the bathroom they would say we're just here for you and someone were there for almost every day for six weeks and I don't know how you can't have faith or see God working in a situation like that you know even if they're mad and angry after a while they're gonna break down that wall right and sometimes you like we've said before you don't need to say anything at all it really is being there so my advice is if you're uncomfortable just don't say it just go ahead and wait also thinking back I think some of the things and unfortunately we remember the harder things or the things that you know struck a chord that were a little more tough to deal with were some of those like at least statements Oh at least you were married at least you had nine years at least you know it was coming those kind of things that really in my opinion negated my current reality of what I was walking through and where I was at I would have rather a sat in silence there then hear that and part of the challenge too that's such a great point is we if we want to say the right thing and then if we get we get worried so we just back away and that's also a problem there was a back in which to this presence so what we're talking about grief tonight let's talk about the stages of grief and so right for Barbara and Jen to walk through this let's talk about the stages of grief what are some of the myths about the stages of grief and and how you walk through those stages well myth time heals all wounds sometimes it doesn't and we're healed when we're with the face of the Lord you don't want to minimize someone's pain and you don't want to say what one loss is bigger or more than another so that's not helpful the stages of grief would be a process and it's a journey I often do a drawing of a valley and loss comes in all forms whether it's loss of health loss of relationship loss of jobs dreams all kinds of things and so depending on the loss and the person and their circumstances and sometimes it's multiple losses all at one time it's gonna take a lot of time to unwrap that and so at first there's denial and this can't be happening your brain the bio neuro connection of that your brain shuts down and it says you know shut down so she doesn't go into shock so it takes a little bit of time when you have a loss of a person you think they're gonna come right through that door or they're gonna give you a call or text and take some time for truth to set in from that there's some disorganization and searching you know we ask the question why did this happen why now you know your cousin young and you know why this why now and then we sit with why and we go well suffering human suffering it's it's part of what we all experience so I get the why but what do I do with this so there's a sense of disorganization and your identity wife mother all all of that this is what I've done of it was your career now what do I do I was a teacher or I was an electrician or I was this especially in our culture the first thing you ask someone is where are they from and what do you do right and so they lose that and so there's a sense of searching Who am I and what do I do with myself now what used to be is no longer and after you sit with that for awhile and serve let God speak to your heart and others love on you you begin to turn the corner and you ask the question well how how do I move on and sometimes there's trouble re-entering because you're not the same anymore it's changed who you are at the very core but then you begin to get a sense of new patterns new relationships a new vision and God uses you there are three levels that I think people come out of a loss one is at a lower level you know someone loses a child you say they say they were never the same or you know drinking or some kind of substance to ease the pain that's a legitimate need but an illegitimate way to meet that need some come out in the same lessons not learned repeat themselves right and if you're like David or Daniel or someone you know come out at a higher level and God never wastes his sorrow and so he uses that yeah and you comfort others with the comfort you've received yourself so that's a real quick there's no set time and it's not linear it's circular you may be angry one day at peace the next depressed the next and then you're back to anger but then you turn the corner but then maybe you're lonely you know it's it's all over the place and that's normal yeah I agree completely it's certainly not linear we think of the stages like stair steps and you're just supposed to take one and then the next and then the next and I would describe it my grief journey almost more like a roller coaster because there were times that we're moving really fast there were times that were slow times I felt upside down and out of control and you weren't really sure what was coming around the next corner because not only are we grieving the loss of the person but we're grieving the loss of those dreams or those expectations and while I might have walked through oh gosh missing Michael and I think I'm moving in one direction but then I'm missing Michael as our boys go to school for the first time and now I'm missing Michael you know now you know several years later we're about to have our oldest we'll be graduating high school another year and I'm already thinking like that's something else I'm going to have to grieve that he's not a part of so not only is it the people you know we're grieving but those hopes and dreams and expectations and so with grief I think it's been several years for me since the loss however there's so many times it can hit me out of nowhere and it can be so unexpected so things like anniversaries that I may think are gonna be really hard like oh that wasn't so bad but then I walked through the grocery store and a song comes on while I'm pushing my cart and I can lose it in the middle of the produce aisle just because it brings back those emotions and those memories for me in a way that I wasn't expecting so I think we need to just be aware that grief can be unexpected so as we're even dealing with other people like oh I thought they were fine and now they're oh wait a second now they seem to be going backwards I think just because it's much more secure and for me a roller coaster that you just kind of have to be aware of where they're at and it's not a move it's not that they're moving backwards they're still we're still moving forwards but we're just navigating different situations that's a great point I remember the first Father's Day without my dad I was gearing up for father stayed up you know you're gearing up ready for it and it was not that bad because I think I was gearing up for it my dad and I graduated from University of Georgia so when Georgia won the Rose Bowl I started crying because it because I knew my dad would have wanted this not to be there it's those moments that catch you by surprise and I didn't know as a Georgia fan I would be crying a week later because they lost Alabama talked about that but but so it's this moments that catch you by surprise but I do want to go back to something Barbara said because you are you helped our staff with this Jen Barbara referenced the verse that says that you comfort others the way that you had been comforted so five years ago we had two staff members at Gwinnett Church on a Christmas night just driving a drunk driver hit them Ryan survived Celeste McCormick I was killed so devastating for our staff and we reached out to Jim and so she comes over to our home and she's now comforting our staff you said I don't know if you member this you said something about bubble wrap remember that gosh now so the bubble you said the bubble wrap the grief around but where is that God surrounds you with this bubble wrap and then over time the grief process he kind of pulls that that that was just a great our staff continues to remember that and reference that that you know God has you in this bubble wrap and then the bubble wraps gonna come off around in the pain it's gonna it's just gonna be a different experience so that was that was a great lesson there let's talk about let's talk about empathy and Kim so many of our mentors we obviously want to show empathy to those that we are caring for and that we're leading and empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others a lot of times we don't we can't relate to your your experience or the experience that I've had some people can't relate to it so let's talk about some good ways that people showed you empathy that you felt we're very helpful and it may be some ways that they didn't yeah they listened and that I think I've heard repeatedly they were there and they listened and I really think that's so important I just love the fact that you can cry in front of him don't tell him not to cry that's a release for them I had some people tell me not to cry and I couldn't stop it wouldn't make me cry more so I would suggest you not say don't cry but I think tears are very healing and it's a form that God made for us to have to release that tension I think it's a good thing so I think just listening and being there and allowing them to share their story and cry when they need to and whatever they are needing usually you tell them Barbara how about you how did you feel I mean you're in a you're in a season of grief and they're starting to share their their loss what was that like good helpful or not well like I said earlier when it's real fresh and raw your you shut down as a protective and you get flooded so they're not gonna hear so much it's more your presence your touch that will speak to them so after time mm-hmm then there's you know for a timely word that's when I think they can say things that might comfort you and tell their story just like we're doing here we hope that our story somehow there's something said or done that you want can either pass on to someone else are actually received for yourself so maybe empathy is telling I don't know exactly your pain but I've had my own Henry now and wrote a book the wounded healer I sit with you and you're suffering because I've had my own it's about our humanity Christ is crazy about our humanity so much that he came fully God and yet fully human to show us how much we can love who we are and where we are gen speaking of empathy so when we reached out to you when with Celestin Ryan so what was your I mean you were awesome and you soaked on and you're such a great friend of it to us but I mean was that okay I mean did you I mean you dude you were wonderful to us but you know just do you find people turning to you is that okay do we turn it too much to tell us about that because we're looking for wisdom from you and you gave us great wisdom but you know tell us about that process I always feel like it's such an honor to be able to share quite honestly Jeff um just because it puts a little bit more purpose even in what I've walked through so it's honoring in that respect and that I would have something to offer always feels great I do think I mean like all of these every loss is just so very different so also depending on what the loss is and how it happens can have an effect too I mean I find myself getting the calls for those who have lost a spouse and while that's great I can sit across from someone and be like yes I've sat in your shoes of course our circumstances will never be the same however you're a woman who has walked through that and I'm about to journey through it and there's just some really great comfort and that in knowing and seeing like okay you're you're doing alright you're doing okay for the person who's walking through it so I'm really grateful for a chance to get to share so let's talk about your relationship with God and Terrence I want to talk to you let's and this is the first of all thanks for being honest already and so this this is we will be honest because God can handle handle our anger you know people ask me is it okay to tell God that I'm angry at mom he already knows sometimes I think we've sometimes we forget who were dealing with right so so Terrence talk about your relationship with God did you feel closer further away Jen rough reference to roller coaster were you angry God so tell us about that journey I think for me Jeff it was a roller coaster I think with my father I wasn't necessarily as mad at God because I was like he's older and you know he had been sick at some point in his lifetime so it was like okay the condition of human suffering like I know that the moment we were born we began dying and so it was kind of that whole understanding that that was the case but I think with my cousin there was more of an anger and it was a frustration because it was like how do you allow this happen this kid was 21 I think 21 years old and his body was found in a ditch how do you reconcile that and so I think even in that space there was frustration there was anger but I do believe at the same time and I think this is kind of even you find this in Psalms with David it's like he's he's like mad like God how can you let me do this and how can you let these people hate me and chase me down and then like at the end it's like but I thank you and I so I'm so grateful for you being here in the midst of every single thing that I'm going through and I think that is what that's what it was for me it was a roller coaster of emotions and it was this this alright god I'm done with you for right now but when I'm ready you're still right here and I think those those moments are things that I remember forever because it was just that kind of relationship at that moment with God and I feel like that has helped me even now in those moments where did you turn to to release that emotion it's just different for everyone yes unconcern --all yes somebody has to have somebody needs to walk outside and yell at this guy so what where did you turn to who or who did you turn to I believe what was helpful that time was journaling definitely generally was was something that I was new to and I started journaling because when I was in seminary I was frustrated like I'm God why do you have me here why am I taking this exam I don't understand anything stuff and so I started journaling because I felt like that was the best way to get it out because it was like I can't share all this stuff with everybody else and I'm tired of talking to you God because you're not really hearing me so I may as well write it down and so I started journaling and during that time it felt like that was extremely therapeutic for me and so between journaling and going to the gym it's something about lifting those weights when you're mad that's up to your spirit too you know that's great so Kim tell us tell us about you know your your process and your relationship with God during your your grief journey yeah I have a vivid memory of getting in my car away from everybody with all windows rolled up and just screaming at God and I mean I screamed like I was that UGA football game and it really helped which sounds so strange and one night my son had a lot of seizures that you started off with 450 and day and so I would be the one administering some of the medication which was scary because I didn't know what I was doing and I had to do it again and so one day it was like a switch flipped and I started screaming at God and I said how could you let my son and I couldn't even finish the sentence when it all flooded to me Jesus on the cross he understands he gets it and if you can somehow relate to these people what Jesus did is so pertinent at this moment what Jesus suffered is so pertinent it's so powerful and I began to really understand he had a plan and then someone challenged me to look for the good there's gonna be good Kim wait and see there has been so much good it's been some bad but there's been so much good it is amazing to watch God work and I if you could gently approach them and see if you could get them to just keep their eyes open for the good because God uses everything so Jen I want to talk about your faith in Jesus how did your faith in Jesus help you you know and it's even helping today I mean your point about you know the boys you can graduate from high school soon and all of that it's just you're still part of the journey so how did your faith in Jesus help you mm-hmm I mean it's certainly what grounded me and it gave me a basis to start from thankfully like I said I was involved in community and at the time it was my hope before it was renew and walked with some ladies through that so I'm understanding where my identity was and thankfully I had enough of a background and enough of a basis that I trusted got to be good and I trusted him to see me through it but what I learned for me through a good part of that beginning is how much of my identity was wrapped up in being Michael's wife I that that would have been the one thing I said I was I was Michael's wife and then I was a mom to two boys and when you strip that away and you just feel super vulnerable and exposed it's like old and Who am I really if I'm not that I have to be something else and so thankfully walking through that process and learning you know where my identity really comes from of course it comes from God and it's Who I am in Jesus was great to be able to build myself up in my faith of okay here's where I am at but now I'm continuing to grow I've got a good foundation but I'm moving forward and now can be secure and who God has created me apart from any of my circumstances anything that's going on whether it's good or it's bad because I think during my journey the other thing I tried to do was almost like balance the equation like these are all the bad things that have happened with the loss and oh but God still is faithful and there have been some incredible things and I could tell you lots of stories of how he was faithful and showed and at the beginning I wanted to try to balance those I wanted them to equal each other I was very black-and-white kind of person so if there was this much bad I should have this much good and then I'd be okay and it that's just not the way it works and as I realized like the depth of my loss even though there's so much beauty that's come from it like it's not going to balance but I still can choose to be grateful for the beautiful things and what God's doing there's your relationship with Jesus and then there the kids did did how did you balance that as a mom wanting to make sure that they're dealing with this as well mm-hmm now you might make me cry but I mean obviously I felt like there's always a big hole after Michael passing with the kids and trying to figure out how do I even tell them how do I talk to them what is it they're even going to understand and the boys were very little I mean they were one in two when he was diagnosed and there were some times he was very sick so he wasn't you know that act of dad participating in normal dad things at that age and passing away I mean they were still very little and they don't remember a whole lot about him so it's mostly stories I share pictures I show but letting them see me cry being honest with them with where I was we certainly still continue to talk about Michael and we still do today we have a practice of celebrating Daddy's heaven birthday is what we call it so every year in May we'll think of something to do whether you know one year we released balloons and they were little and they drew a picture of what they wish daddy knew if that happened that year or we made brownies one year for the fire department who showed up at our house when I had to call 911 wake him up in the morning and so we would we have done things like that and we continue to talk about Michael and I can remember definitely being in prayer for my boys and thinking God like gosh Michael's gone what's going to happen what's going to happen but how reassuring that we have a perfect heavenly father that's willing to fill any gap and is more than able to and that just gave me so much peace and comfort like okay because I tried to wear a couple hats I tried to be mom and I tried to be dad and that's just too much and that's that's not what God called me to do I am there to be mom and where that earthly father or gap is he is more than enough to fill that Thank You that's that's very beautiful thank you Terrence I'd like to transition to you in terms of your faith in Jesus because it's it's difficult you know you're leading students and you've got to have this gigantic faith you know on stage and then you got a walk offstage and you're dealing with all of that so how did you how did you deal with that and in everyone here and everyone watch this we're all ministers of the gospel as well so there's that tension that we feel that we're leading people but then we're also people yeah I think one of the things that my faith in Jesus did was provide a hope and I think hope is an interesting thing because I thinking about just friends of mine from my childhood and seeing them where they are now in situations that they've experienced one of the things that I've noticed one of the things that I've noticed is just the lack of hope and there's a power and hope and I think that whenever you don't have hope you end up kind of withering and dying and I believe that Jesus gives us that hope even even if it's something as simple as the hope that on the other side of all of this I'll eventually see my loved ones again or the hope that Jesus has already gone through all these things so that I can still be okay I believe that that's what has gotten me through these times and and just understanding I think it's that and knowing that if Jesus was on the cross and suffered that it's okay to also be open about what you're feeling and so when I'm when I'm on stage I think it is a it's almost like therapy to some degree because and Dylan I work with middle school students and Buckett church and it's it's interesting because there are a lot of students in that who are also hurting and going through things and I think that Jesus allows me to have the strength and the hope so that I can share that with them and I believe that the story of Jesus and the story of the resurrection the story of the cross and everything that has happened so far gives me the strength to do that because if Jesus suffered the way that he has suffered and still had the ability to take the victory over death then I feel like I have that same power that'll preach right there you should preach that on Sunday at church and bear with me on this question and I'd like for all of y'all to answer this and if this is the wrong question this isn't my question so you can blame someone else but I do love this question because we've talked about that there's that there's not a typical timeframe for grief the grief process is just it's different for all of us but can you tell us when you believe you turn the corner from an intense period of grief into your new normal as you look back can you share that with us and Kim I'll start with you so as you look back what what was that season what made that turn and what helped make that turn you know there was a point where some of the doctors I was told Matthew wouldn't live six months it's been 26 years so at about six months they told me that some of the brain cells would regenerate maybe he would be better and it wasn't better and it was actually a little bit worse and in about eight months I realized you know they practice medicine they really don't know and this is the first time anyone's lived from this virus how would they know and I started to really look at just one day at a time that's when everything fell into place sometimes I would have to back up and look at one minute at a time and if you can tell the individuals that you're speaking with that projecting in the future is going to do nothing make things worse we're only promised today were only to look for today and a love the acronym of fear stands for false evidence appearing real and that's what would happen when I would look ahead fear would enter in and consume me and I really thought long and hard about that and started to focus just on that moment and in that hour and then that day thank you for sharing Barbara how about you when was that turn that happened from that intense grieve to realizing this is the new normal well acceptance that you know the the loss that I had was some layers that I said earlier that grieving the loss of a mom while she was on earth I was very parental I'd she was a teenager having babies so I became the parent she became stayed the child and that was really sad and but the Lord gave me a lot of spiritual moms and so I did not lack for love for affirmation for nurturing and doing the things that moms do so I never felt deprived but I turned the corner when I pictured my mom everything she was supposed to be and that when I meet with her again she's gonna be my mom for me as we were walking through our journey I think a little bit differently than some loss having Michaels diagnosis and his prognosis when we got it was very grim so we were given a 50% chance that he would be alive in five years when they found the cancer so and then when it returned it was you know those chances are getting lower and lower in the timeframes getting shorter and shorter so I I mean I can just remember praying at the beginning god I know you're gonna heal him we're gonna have this great story and we're gonna get to tell everybody he actually works at a church and he's a young father and like he's amazing there's no way this isn't going to go that way and kind of each time the cancer came back which it did a few times like it was like oh wait I needed a little reality check of this maybe isn't going the way I think it's going to go and I can remember in a prayer with God really just being open handed and changing my prayer from God I know you're gonna heal him to God I don't know what's going to happen but I know you're gonna be faithful through it so it definitely wasn't a mind shift for me of then my expectations of what I wanted God to do and then just being ready to know that he's going to carry me through whatever was going to happen Terrace I'm still turning man like I'm still turning I think what so initially and this is what I've kind of discovered in the last few weeks I think that in the moment and while everything was happening I went into like this protector mode and and I intercept like trying to protect my mom and my sister and my family and it was like alright I got this you know like I cried like a day before the day before and I couldn't figure out why I was crying I cried for like an hour and a half just straining I'm like do you don't cry get it together why are you crying and so I was crying and I couldn't figure it out I knew the next day was the day my mom was like hey if you want to talk to your dad you need to you need to come on and so I've realized over the last few years that or moores over the last few weeks that I am still turning and because I didn't have an opportunity to experience those emotions in that moment I was so concerned with making sure that my family was good and everybody was you know strong and I wanted to be there for everybody that was leaning it was leaning on me and counting on me that I didn't get the chance to just feel that and so even now it's like it's random I'm like it's four years later why do I feel this way or why is it that you know I'm having these thoughts and I start thinking about things and Jen you said this earlier as it relates to like my daughter I have a five year old and something like man man it would be great my dad can see my daughter in kindergarten Oh or like you know it would be great if you'd be able to see or feel what it is that we're doing what we're accomplishing it'd be great if he saw our first house or like walked in the door in our first house and it's like man he'll never do that and so it's still like it's it's it's a process and everything that you said earlier about the roller coaster and about the cycles and it's I am in the middle of it right now villain in oh thanks thanks for sharing that yes sir final question for each of you I want to talk about a healthy or unhealthy coping mechanism so everyone watching this where we're trying to serve those that are in a grief process and we can see some some coping mechanisms so what were some unhealthy or things that you've seen is you've comforted others what's the when you see that you're going oh they we've got to move them from that and what is a healthy coping mechanism especially during this intense season of grief Jen I'll start with you the first thing that comes to mind for me is like any like major extremes all of a sudden or something they weren't doing at all and all have said now they're doing it all the time and maybe not that thing is unhealthy because maybe it's working out or going to do something but it's potentially getting in place of walking through the actual grief walking through the emotions of what's going on and what you're actually feeling because I don't feel like you're making steps there anything you're putting in place of what the process of grief can look like for you and acknowledging those things that you're doing would that be like don't make any significant life decisions like I'm gonna move you know that could be running away from the grief it could be and I think everyone's gonna be different so every situation it's not a cut and dry but those quick ones like that though I made one for me I cleaned out our closet Michaels closet the week after he passed away I stopped wearing my wedding ring after his service I wore it to his service and then I stopped but for me it was also identifying - like I said before I had so identified being Michael's wife and trying to understand that that I was like no there's more to me and for me this is what I need to do like no okay well I'm not married anymore I'm going to take my ring off and that's that's okay and I'd but I did have people question me really and like oh you're already doing that and you're already giving stuff away but first make you feel when you're getting questioned yeah well they're part of it I feel like it was good because it was like wait a second let me take a step back and actually think why am I actually doing this because thankfully I had that community and those trusted people now if it was someone I met at the grocery store who asked me why I was doing it I probably wouldn't give a very pleasant response but those women that were in my life and like Jen are you sure do you not need to slow down a little bit it's like okay well let's think about this no I'm actually good with this we can move forward great Robert I would say similar things anything extreme some unhealthy coping that I've seen is substance abuse you know to kind of numb the pain busyness I'll just get busy I'll volunteer for everything just so I don't have to feel anything and so what happens it's it's a delayed and there might be very good things they're doing and so you know the focus is on that and not allowing the process to happen and so it leaks out when they least expect it so I would say something like that thank you I mean I noticed one time I was at the store and coming up to my car there was a lady abusing her child and you know you're always told don't get in the middle I got in the middle and I realized oh I need some help and I went in thought Christian counseling and it really helped me I mean I was trying to do something good but it was out of my passion for children you know that I just couldn't stop myself and I think if you just notice anything that as you said out of the norm not it's to an extreme it really is important to keep a handle on that and to watch and you can't see it yourself when you're in the midst I thought I was totally justified thank you for sure Terence I'll give you the last word I would say extreme isolation like I just think that you know and this is the case I feel like when anything that anybody is dealing with or battling it's one of the reasons why community is so vital and having people that you know and trust around you is so critical to I think your overall well-being but particularly in situations where you're dealing with grief and loss because you when you're left to your own thoughts all the time you you find yourself just in the terrible space quite often because you begin to feel like you're you're by yourself and that nobody else is like this and nobody else understands when I'm going through and what I'm experiencing when in reality I believe that God has given us the tools and the people that we need around us around us for that purpose to hope to walk us through those spaces and help us to be able to eventually bounce back from those situations and be able to tell our stories and be able to encourage other people and I believe that so it's all isolation is what I would say to try to stay away from it well Terrence Kim Barbra Jen thank you can we show our appreciation for them and share their story tonight so I'm gonna pray for us and I'm gonna pray for these four wonderful people and then we're gonna let you go to your next session so God thank you for thank you for the fact that you draw near to the brokenhearted as the Scriptures teach and thank you that this is a story that continues and that we will be reunited and that there is hope and that while we do mourn as the Scriptures teach we do not mourn as those who have no hope that in the midst of that mourning in the midst of all of that at the end of the day there is a foundation of hope and that hope is placed on on your son and what he did on our behalf on the cross and that you brought him out of that tomb and that he conquered the grave and as a result of our faith in Him we conquer the grave and so for those that watch this and those that are serving others I pray that you would give them the the patience and the pro activity to know exactly what to do and then they have a presence that really it's your presence through them and that's when we really understand that it is Christ in us the hope of glory it's in these moments where that comes it becomes even more tangible when we experience who you are in a very tangible way so God thank you so much for Jenn and I just pray for our family thank you for the story that you're writing thank you for what you have done the way that she ministered to our staff and just thank you for the story that you continue to write in her God thank you for Barbara in the way that you are leveraging your story and her wisdom that you've given her to help others God thank you for Kim and just pray for for strength and for continued wisdom and thank you for her willingness to be here and God has Tarrant said he's in it he's in the middle of this turn so we pray that you'd continue to surround him with the community that you have and that you would just place your love upon him and that as he and I are missing a dad an earthly dad thank you that our Heavenly Father has never left and never will so thank you for what you're doing in his life thank you for these amazing people who are this is this is true ministry and thank you for what you're doing through them and so I pray for the remaining training tonight and thank you for the people that they represent and there are people that they represent here tonight that they do not yet know but you're gonna direct their paths to the people in this room so thank you for what you're going to do and we love you and thank you for the hope that you've given us and we pray all this in Jesus name Amen

Channel: North Point Care

Views: 272

Rating: 5 out of 5

Keywords: care network, north point community church, woodstock church, buckhead church, Gwinnett church, decatur city church, brownsbridge church, help, struggling, challenges, pain, relationships, training, counseling, grief, loss, death, care, loved one, north point, Woodstock city church, died

Id: BosI110jU-Q

Length: 50min 29sec (3029 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 21 2020