- So, the other day, okay,
he woke up with an erection. Yay! (crowd laughing) But it's the one you
gotta do something with, 'cause there are two types of erection. Now the first one is the
one that sort of levitates while he is still asleep,
pulls him out of bed, and just leads him to the toilet, and it's a urine sat nav. (crowd laughing) I love that erect, it's
amazing, it kind of steers him around all the laundry
and just, he'll wake up half way through like
(snorts), "Where am I going?" I'm like, "Shh, you're
going to the toilet. "Trust your dick." (crowd laughing) He woke up with the other one. The action one, the one
you definitely gotta get involved with. The one that's like a drugs
dog sniffing for amphetamines. (crowd laughing) That one, the one that's like (screaming). "Oh, hello, oh yes, are you
wiping your nose on my leg? "Hello, yes I've missed you too." (Diane barking) (crowd laughing) So you gotta do something with that one, so I think right, here's my chance. So I start "gathering the flowers". (crowd laughing) Yes. "Gathering the flowers". Now straight away, we hit a problem, because he's got a foreskin
and we've got a duvet cover, and I just rolled them into one thing. (crowd laughing) So sorry... He was like, "Ah, wait stop!" "Thanks babe," I was like, "Sorry." I mean, positive point, we now
know if I ever lose an arm, I can still roll socks. (crowd laughing) So, carried on gathering the flowers, and very quickly I got
a lactic acid build-up that went all the way up my
arm and into my shoulder, and I was like, "Oh
fuck, that really hurts, "that really hurts." I thought, "I wanna change
arms, but I don't wanna "break the rhythm. "It seems rude." So I sort of went, there we go. Look at that, look at that. And I was like, good, okay
and then the lactic acid started building up in this arm, and I'm like, oh, for fuck's sake. So I thought, I've gotta
change to the other one - I was like, "I must have
very selfish muscles", 'cause when I'm doing one
small repetitive motion for myself, I can go for
90 minutes pain free. (crowd laughing) And I know it's 90 minutes, 'cause that's when my phone dies. (crowd laughing) So I carry on gathering the flowers, and the pain's really kicking
in and then he shut his eyes. I am a paranoid woman. What the fuck is he thinking about? Like, I know some kind
of fantasy has started, but I don't know what's
showing in screen two. (crowd laughing) And I don't want some
fictitious bitch in costume and scenery I can't
afford, taking the credit for my repetitive strain injury. (crowd laughing) (crowd clapping) I bet she's not turned up
dressed as a fucking car. So I'm like, "Open your eyes
darling, open your eyes." He's like, "Oh, okay." I'm like, "Yeah, yeah it's
sexy, open your eyes." But then, as the pain increases,
I just wanna get it done and the actions start to change. They get a bit more aggressive, and I go from gathering the flowers to sanding the chair leg. (crowd laughing) Get this done. And then like, the words start to change. Like, I start off all
quite nice, as you do like, [Cockney Accent] "Do you like that? (crowd laughing) [Cockney Accent] "Do you like that? {cockney Accent] "Gawd bless
you sir, do you like that? [Cockney Accent] "Feed the
birds, do you like that?" That's how you start. I turn into, like the
pain, I turn into some kind of battlefield medic. I'm like, [SHOUTS] "Don't
give up on me now, soldier!" (crowd laughing) I start screaming down the tiny hole. "Hang on in there kids,
we're gonna get you "out of that cave." (crowd laughing) (Diane laughing) When it (laughing), when he finally came, I had to slow down to the
side, like a marathon runner. I was like, (gasping), "What's my time?" (crowd laughing) "Is that a personal best?" And it actually took me a
moment to unfurl my fingers from the position they were in, and when I looked at my hand like that, I was like, "Oh my god, my
Granny had hands like that." (crowd laughing) My parents said that was arthritis. Grandad was a very chipper fellow. I think that's what 50 years
of hand jobs looks like. Now, I told this story in Derby, right? And the promoter said
to me before the gig, he went, "My crowd don't do
rude, so you don't do rude." And I went, "Okay, I don't
do rude, I do do rude." (crowd laughing) So I did do rude, and
afterwards, like they loved rude, 'cause they'd never had it before, because he told everybody not to do it. A very posh woman came
up to me, and she went: [POSH VOICE] "Why didn't
you please your husband "with your mouth?" (crowd laughing) And you know when you have to
like re-tune your frequency to understand? I went, "Sorry, pardon, what?" She went, [Posh Voice] "Why... "didn't you please your
husband with your mouth?" (crowd laughing) And I went, [MIMICS]
"Well, I'll tell you why." "'Cause he's heard all my stories "and it wasn't the time
for poetry (snorts)." (crowd laughing) And then another lady
came up, right I thought, "I'm gonna get bollocked at this gig," I thought, "I'm gonna
get told off blatantly." And this lady came up to
me, she was like late 60s, and she had a 50 yard
stare, and I thought, "Oh no, this is where I get told off." and I thought, "I'll
just take it, it's fine." She walked up and she just went, [ACCENT] "I know exactly what you mean." (crowd laughing) [ACCENT] "I've been married 40 years." "Your arm goes, so you go
in with your other arm, so you go in with your mouth." I was like, "Oh my god,
Nana's got post-traumatic dick disorder." And she said, "Finally he puts it in you, "two pumps and a squirt, and he's done." "And you think where did it go?" And as she's saying this,
I realize her husband is stood behind her, and he's just holding this little pint, and he went [ACCENT] "Guilty as charged." (crowd laughing) (crowd clapping) "Okay!" (Diane laughing)
