Deep Cuts: Hasan Discusses The College Admissions Scandal | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix

“What would be your first question after waking up from being cryogenically frozen for a hundred years?” What if I just got up and I was like, “Can I get a ride home?” I’m just like, “Dude, that nap was crazy! Uhh... can you take me back to my apartment?” The scientist is like, “Alright.” “How do you feel about Aunt Becky getting arrested?” I mean, it’s pretty freakin’ nuts. (Spoiled rich children!) Well, the Indian part of me was like, “USC?” (Laughter) You’re paying half a million dollars— it’s not even Stanford? Like... Just be like– “Yea, I paid half a million—” I was like, “You— Like—” I just wanted to be like, “You got ripped off.” This is crazy to me. I love how you’re like, “They’re spoiled and rich.” I’m like, “It’s just corruption, just not done right.” Oh man, you know what made me really mad? I was like, “She better not be a communications major.” Like, if she’s a communications major, like, you paid half a million dollars and you’re like, “What’s your major?” And, like, “English!” I’m like, “We gotta march in the streets right now.” They live in LA, too, which is weird. Where’d you go to school? (at Fordham.) Fordham? (Yeah, But I’m from California.) So you live here? (Yeah, But I’m from California.) So you’re from— See, that I respect. You’re from California, you had to move out and you came here to New York to go to school. But, Aunt Becky’s daughter lives in LA. And if you do that, you have to do what I did in college— you just have to live at home with your parents. In shame for four years. That’s the only way you can do it. (Yes!) That’s just an expensive apartment! You’re like, “Alright, mom and dad— I’m leaving! I’m living 5 minutes away.” It’s like, “No, no, no. You gotta live with us.” Did it make you really mad as a student? (A little bit.) Really? (Yeah.) What was the craziest part for you that you read about it? (I mean, I used to watch her on Youtube.) You used to watch—? (I used to.) Oh! What does she talk about on Youtube? (Clothes, makeup…) That’s it?! You know, there’s a video of her being, like, “Hey, I just got accepted. I’m going to school. I don’t know, I’m not really gonna be like, going to school. I’m just gonna go to the football games.” And then part of me was just like, “You could have saved your mom so much money by just being a Youtuber and then being like, ‘Can I go to a football game? Get drunk…?’” Aunt Becky will be like, “Well, we talked about this in an episode of Full House. You can do it, but only if I’m there.” I feel like she’d be that type of mom. It’s wild, man. I think what the good thing is, is that we’re finally having the conversation about legacy admissions. Which we talked about in the affirmative action episode, and it was something that, like, no one really wants to talk about because legacy admissions is, like, the go-to way. People pay their way into school – legally. That’s the crazy part. It’s just, like… It’s totally on the record. It’s well known. And I think that’s sort of detracted from the entire meritocracy conversation, especially around, sort of, taking down affirmative action. So, I think at least this will start a good conversation. Um... also, the lengths they went, I mean...my god. The photoshop stuff? That was crazy. I mean, look. I know what it’s like to be unathletic. You can’t use photoshop to… You can’t use photoshop to make up for that! Sometimes you gotta own your ‘L,’ dude! I got my shit swatted in a game. I can’t just be like, “Ugh! Just make my face Kal Penn’s face – he’ll deal with it.” Nah, you gotta own your unathleticism. What if we— We have Zach from digital. You do a bunch of— you do a bunch of green screen work. Here— Here’s what we’re— You know what? I have an idea! 119 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:32,400 Here’s what we’re going to do. Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to do a bunch of things that I would rather do. Like, other things that I could do. And then you can just, like, do a digital version of that. And be like, yea—! So, like, what if I— Just roll— Are you— Just roll on this camera. OK. So I’m just gonna— I’m gonna act, like— OK, so. This is what we’ll do. I’m gonna act like I’m sitting at a desk. Make it look like Patriot Act is a desk show. Here we go. Does that work? [Zach] (That was great.) OK, great. What else should I— Like, what else can you photoshop me doing? That I’m not qualified to do? [Zach] (Can you do a cartwheel?) A cartwheel? I can’t— OK, no, no, no, no. Here’s what we’ll do, OK. I’ll do this, but animate— OK, here we go. Do you want me to get on— OK, on this one? On this one? Where do we have the clean— Alright, whatever. You’ll deal with it— you, know. Alright, alright. Alright, next one. OK, I’ve always wanted— (Play basketball.) What’s up? (Play basketball!) Well, I was gonna say, I’ve always wanted to dunk. Here we go. You got that? OK. good. What other ones should we do? Motorcycle? Ha ha— motorcycle? Alright. Alright, we got that. What else? I gotta do this one? What—? OK. “What is the most embarrassing comment a relative has left on your social media?” Uh, the most embarrassing comment I’ve gotten is, “I went to college with your mom.” Which is very weird! I’m like, “Oh man, I gotta... I gotta finesse my privacy settings. This is getting crazy.” “If Bollywood made a movie about your life, who would play your character and who would play Najme?” OK, here’s the thing. Anytime an Indian dude talks about which Bollywood character they’d be, they always— Yea, yea! We do Shahrukh Khan. But that’s, like, so delusional. We’re like, “Oh yeah, Shahrukh – that’s me.” Huh? But it said there’s a Bollywood remake. Ha ha – you’re like, oh… I like— But Manish is my friend! It can’t be that. You know what— you know who would be mine? I’d make it Govinda. He’s great! He’s super funny! What do you mean— so what!? He’s hilarious! How do you— have you met him? Then how do you know he’s short? What? From movies? What if you’re like— what if that’s the way it works in your head? You’re like, “I don’t know, he looks short in movies.” What if I’m like, “Daniel Radcliffe.” You’re like, “Stupid. He’s a wizard!” Alright. OK, how about this – Johnny Lever. He could play me. Right? He’s great. I gotta meet him. Johnny: we gotta meet one day. That’d be cool to meet him. Hrithik Roshan... That’s, are you ser—? Yea... Um, yea, that’s gonna be a real casting. He’s just jacked… Salman Khan? Oh boy… “Oreos: Straight dunk or twist-off?” [deep sigh] I know, look, today’s been really controversial. I’ve I’ve talked about a lot of crazy things but, I’ve just got to come clean. Um… I do neither. I do neither, OK? What I do is I take a bite of it… (Oh nooo.) Then, I have a glass of milk— Prashanth, don’t you dare fucking laugh at me. Prashanth, that’s— he’s my brother. I take a bite... um, and then I... chew it. Then, I drink milk— And I let it— Why are you cringing? Then I let it mix in my mouth. (No.) (Ew.) I vomit it back in the cup like a little baby bird. Then I put it in the microwave— but it’s a plastic cup. It’s a plastic cup. And I warm it for four to five minutes. And it goes, “eerhhhh.” And then I stand next to the microwave. I put my face next to the microwave, and it’s like, “eerhhhh.” And then I open it and then the plastic and the milk and the cookies have congealed. And then I take a big ol’ bite of it, like *mimics bite*! And that really gets me going, so. Now you guys know about my inner process. Alright, “$1 billion lifetime deal with Skechers or $3 million, 3-year deal with Nike/Jordan?” This is from Aaron. I’ll say this right here, right now. Give me The Skechers deal. OK, wait, wait, wait— Wait, do I have to publicly say? Do I have to, like, publicly be in the ads, like Joe Montana? Where he’s just like, “Hey! These help me walk!” Nooo! Wait, no— actually— You know what would be even better? Skechers should give me the endorsement deal, but I’m a silent endorser. And just, every day people just see me in Skechers and they’re like, “Why is he doing that?” That’s actually more brilliant. Skechers— I actually think it would be better for Skechers because everyone would be like, “Hey, what’s his deal?” And I’m like, “Dude, I just...I don’t know.” Does Skechers have the wheelies? No, but does Skechers do like a knock-off version of that? Cause that’d be so great if it was, like, “[sings Patriot Act theme song]” ...and then I— I do my thing where I run on stage and I’m just like, “DUNN!,” and I’m like, “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you— Tonight, I’m gonna talk about elections in India!” Allbirds would be pissed? I— you, you already know my stance on Allbirds. Don’t do that. Don’t be divisive tonight. Here we go. “Skechers: It’s the S!” You got it, Zach? Cool.

Channel: Netflix Is A Joke

Views: 1,649,947

Keywords: Olivia Jade, Felicity Huffman, Lori Loughlin, College, Bollywood, Govinda, Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj, Patriot Act, Hasan Minhaj, Netflix, Netflix Original Series, Netflix Series, Streaming, Television, Television Online, Comedy, Featured, Comedian, Hasan Minhaj Comedy, Hasan Minhaj Stand Up, Global News, Politics, Late Night Comedy, Late Night Talk, Jokes, Talk Show, Latest Episode, Scams

Id: pdPJfg_fnso

Length: 9min 49sec (589 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 20 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/YOUREABOT]

It takes solid comedic intelligence to be hilarious (and sassy with that motorcycle) without being seen -- props to the post production team. And good job managing the RIDICULOUS number of screens on the set in every episode.

[u/_Ultimatum_]

This was one of my favorite ones so far. It’s cool to just see a chill conversation with the audience.

[u/goalstopper28]

I love how on the spot he is.