We all know the coronavirus
has hit older Americans the hardest. Except for Jeff Goldblum. He's still
out here dressing like he's in BTS. But COVID-19 is also hitting young people
in a major way. Across America,
life is changing rapidly. Hundreds of schools and colleges
are closing nationwide. Stanford, Princeton, Harvard.
A lot of schools. And it seems like,
the number is growing by the day. “At Kent State University, today
many students moved out unexpectedly.” -What are you taking with you?
-Everything. Millions of students home early. I know. I've got one here
who's behind the camera this morning. A 19-year-old from BU. Why do I feel
like I should call the FBI? “I've got a 19-year-old
student back here. Taut, supple, loves hockey.” Colleges were some of the first places
to shut down because of corona. In an instant,
childhood bedrooms became dorms, moms became cafeteria workers, and Econ 101 looked like
The Brady Bunch fucked Don Lemon's show. By the way,
I love how celebrities are also like, “Aww, you didn't get a graduation? Let me just FaceTime you
from my bedroom.” So keep your eyes on the ball. There's always the haves and the
have nots in a capitalistic society. Trust me, as a dude
who only got a 1310 on the SAT and became a stand up comedian,
there's no shame in living at home. Okay, look. They didn't ask me to be
in the “Imagine” video, so I had to take
what I could get. It's no secret,
students aren't loving classes online. And not just because one teacher
forgot to close his porn tabs. It's a shame he had to resign. He loved his job so much,
he literally jerked off to it. Schools going online also meant that students weren't getting
what they'd paid for. A lot of them were pissed. Students are suing two major
universities in New England. “Demanding repayment
for their tuition, and their room and board.” It's just kind of wild to think
that we had to pay $55,000 for basically the same thing
you could find on Coursera or edX. Holy shit, $55,000
for a glorified MasterClass? That's enough to take <i>Screenwriting with Aaron Sorkin</i> and buy the mountain of cocaine
he used to write A Few Good Men. So far, students around the country have
filed at least 100 lawsuits for refunds. The dean at NYU Tisch sent an email
saying there'd be no refunds for tuition and then attached this very real video. ♪ That's me in the corner ♪ ♪ That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion ♪ Someone forcing you to listen to R.E.M. is
already one of the worst parts of college. You just don't expect it to be your dean. Also, it's $58,000 a year to go to Tisch. And she's like, “Sorry you can't get your
money back, here's a free Zumba class.” There's actually one big reason why
schools don't want to give out refunds. “The American Council on Education now projects nationwide enrollment in the fall will be down 15% for a revenue loss, conservatively, of $23 billion.” $23 billion. That is so much money
they could have used to not pay college athletes. The truth is, some schools
aren't going to make it through COVID. One estimate says 345
universities across the country may have to close
in the next six years. The University of Akron
is closing six of its eleven colleges. And for the schools that are staying open,
rules are all over the place. The Cal State system announced
that classes will only be online. And UNC
and Notre Dame are going to open early, but then end the semester by Thanksgiving. Look... no one has a clue what college
is going to look like next year. So if you're about to go to college,
or you're in college, or if you're a parent, you're probably wondering... Is college still worth it? Because with student debt
crushing so many people, it's important to know: what are you
really getting for your money? This debate isn't new, by the way. Pre-COVID, lots of people were questioning
the value of college. Especially rich assholes. -There's no need even to have a
college degree at all.
- Oh, okay. Don't spend, you know, $200,000
on a college degree and waste
four years of your life. Colleges, they're like as corrupt
as the Catholic Church was 500 years ago. He's right, everyone knows colleges
force professors to remain celibate and burn heretics alive. Look,
I get that a lot of people feel that way. But growing up most of us were told, “Hey, if you get into the right college, it's
your golden ticket.” I believed that. It's why these videos are a thing. I just got into Harvard. Oh my god, I got in! -Yeah, baby!
-Oh my god. To all my Asian parents watching at home: the thing those parents were doing
is something called “being proud.” I know. It's stupid. So clearly a lot of people
still think college is worth it. You know the intangibles: social skills, critical thinking, and the chance to smoke weed out of
your roommate's sleep apnea machine. But there are real facts
in favor of college: over their careers,
women with a college degree earn about $450,000 more
than high school grads. For men, it's $660,000 more. For low-income students, a college degree may be the
single best engine for social mobility. If you grow up poor
and graduate from college, you have a 90% chance
of getting out of poverty. So, getting a degree
is kind of like being Tom Hanks' kid. Your chances of ending up okay
are very high but it's not 100%. It's ya boy Chet and I
coming straight from the Golden Globes, y'know what I'm saying? My father Tom Hanks presenting
an award soon forward come. Big up, tune in. By Golden Globes' standards, this actually counts as diversity. So, the benefits of a college degree
are pretty obvious. But what you may not realize, is that the downside of not having
a degree is getting worse. In the '90s, jobs that paid at least $35,000 were held by college grads
40% of the time. Today, it's 55%. But that's mainly because in the '90s most people had a job
being in Guns N' Roses. But here is the most shocking fact. Americans are killing themselves
by drinking, by accidentally overdosing,
by overeating, or more quickly and more
straightforwardly, by committing suicide. Deaths of despair have risen in parallel
for men and women. The key distinction here
is not between men and women, but rather between those
with and without a college degree. That is so depressing. Even when you hear it
from a Hogwarts professor. Working-class life
is more grueling than ever. Look at the number of white people
who died from deaths of despair. This is how many had a college degree. And this is how many who didn't. That should be on every brochure by the way. Just like, “Chico State,
go here, or die of unnatural causes.” Do you see what's happening here? College used to be aspirational,
it was your shot at a better life. But these days, you're not really rewarded
for getting a degree. It's kind of expected. But you are definitely penalized
for not getting one. So when it comes to going to college,
it's an unenthusiastic yes. Like voting for Joe Biden. It sucks, but you're probably gonna do it
if you want a future. And whether or not colleges know this,
they have you by the balls. Which means they can twist and squeeze. Check this out: college tuition has more
than doubled over the past 30 years. And on top of that, tuition and fees
make up only 48% of total costs students actually
pay to attend those schools. Obviously, we all know
college is expensive. But what you might not know
is that the product is getting worse. Just look at what's happening
to tenured professors. Tenure is when a university gives
a professor lifelong job security to do research and teach. They're well-paid, killer benefits. It's the Delta Gold Medallion status
of academia. Good professors are necessary. Without them, college is just
ramen noodles and a few pregnancy scares. But tenured professors
are being replaced with a cheaper option. Statistics over the last 10-20 years
point toward a growing trend in the employment
of adjunct or part-time professors. It's the Uber economy
where everything's freelance. What might be called
the “adjunctivitis epidemic.” Ugh. “Adjunctivitis?” Okay no, only one disease per episode. It's why we're talking about college
and I haven't once mentioned chlamydia. Adjuncts are the gig workers
of higher education. And they are now
teaching a lot of classes. Since 1975, the percentage of tenured or tenure-track professors has dropped. But non-tenured teachers has shot up. I'm not saying that adjuncts are bad. It's just that they're expected to do
the same work as tenured professors, while getting treated like shit. We are not
given any kind of benefits. No medical, no dental, no vision, no retirement, no family leave,
no sick leave, nothing. “To support his family, Rob Balla drives to three different
Ohio universities, to teach six English classes, and tutors on the side. He had pneumonia last fall,
worked anyway.” “Ellen Tara James-Penney
is an adjunct professor at San Jose State. On most nights, she sleeps in her car.” Can you imagine finding out
your college teacher lives in their car? That's almost as bad as finding out your
2nd grade teacher doesn't live at school. “Mrs. Caldwell? Why are you at the movies? And who gave you jeans?” If your professor is running
from college to college, working through pneumonia,
and living in their car, it'll probably impact
the quality of your education. Look, no one wants to go to office hours
in a '07 Honda Civic. He's like, “Hey, don't worry,
it's leather seats.” Adjuncts have it pretty bad, but
there's one group that has it even worse: teaching assistants- grad students
who are also paid to teach undergrads. Now we usually think of TAs
as slightly hornier professors. But they do a lot. At Purdue, 26% of grad students are the primary teacher
for at least one course. And if you want a 25-year-old to explain
David Foster Wallace to you, don't go to college,
just go on Hinge. TAs average
less than $14,000 a year. $14,000! The only way it could've been worse is if they got paid
in “Losing My Religion” dances. So it's no surprise
that tons of grad students are doing this: “Hundreds of grad student workers
at UC Santa Cruz are putting their jobs on the line. They've been on strike now for nearly
two weeks demanding higher pay.” “And they're joined
by other schools north and south. Strikes are underway at
UC Santa Barbara and UC Davis.” “Ben Scheer, who has
scratches on his head and arm, says cops arrested him
for not moving when police approached
the demonstrators in riot gear.” Why are the police wearing riot gear? What is Ben going to do? Attack you
with specific examples from the text? As many of you know, UC Santa Cruz
is an old friend of the show. And it's a pretty progressive place. So of course the school listened to
the students, considered their concerns, and decided they could go fuck themselves. We've learned the UC Santa Cruz
grading strike continues with a new round of
graduate teaching assistants being fired. The striking group says
this leaves the grad students ineligible for unemployment benefits
during the COVID-19 pandemic. Ah, now I know why your school's mascot
is a banana slug. 'Cause your administration is gross, slimy,
and reminds everyone of flaccid dicks. Look, I know I used to say this as a joke,
but now I mean it sincerely. Transfer to Berkeley.
Your parents will be prouder. By the way, grad students
have been protesting at Harvard, Yale,
and the University of Chicago. So, if you're an incoming freshman,
think about what this means. You're paying a lot of money for school, but only a fraction of it
is going to your education. So you're probably wondering... where is my money going? There are people who make
hundreds of thousands of dollars as provosts, as presidents,
as chancellors, and between 1970 and 2008, the adjunct pay
has gone down 49%. The college president's salary
has gone up 35%. Let's break this down. While colleges were losing
tenured professors, they were beefing up administrators
at an insane rate. In over 30 years, the number of
administrators at private schools shot up 135%. I'm talking deans, coordinators,
vice presidents, provosts. By the way... what the fuck is a provost? Does anybody actually know? 'Cause I googled it, and all it said was, “A person who does a thing
at a university.” So I clicked on Wikipedia, and a pop-up said, “There are some things you aren't
meant to know, Hasan.” But I clicked it anyway,
and this happened. I didn't realize EDM could sound so... threatening. What I'm saying is, if I mysteriously
vanish, you know what happened. Find the pallbearers. High level administrators
are raking it in. In less than ten years, the number of presidents and chancellors
making over a mil went from 28 to 76. That is an exponential spike. But presidents aren't even
the highest-paid administrators. If you want to see who's really making bank,
don't look at who runs the school. Look at who runs the endowment.
So if any of you guys have graduated, you know that blocked number that
randomly calls you, asking for money? They're like, “Hey, we're your college.
Remember us?” And you're like, “Nope! I've given you
assholes enough. Never call me again.” The money they collect from that call
goes into an endowment. And the people who manage that endowment often get paid more than anyone on campus. In 2014, Yale spent $400 million
on investment managers. Nearly three times what they spent
on tuition assistance. Which is odd,
because these funds are massive. “Princeton reported an endowment
of $26.1 billion last year.” Stanford has a $27 billion endowment. “The University of Texas, which
has a $31 billion endowment.” Harvard does happen to be
the richest college in the world. It has a $40 billion endowment. $40 billion! That is bigger than the economies
of half the countries in the world, including Afghanistan,
Honduras, and Cambodia. Basically, Harvard's endowment
is bigger than the countries destroyed by its alumni. You got to give him props. Do you know hard it is to be
the biggest murderer from your school when you went to the same school as the fucking Unabomber? Bottom line: when you donate to a university, you're basically donating to a hedge fund
with the same name as a university. And clearly endowment managers
have a lot of responsibility. But the question is,
does it benefit your education? “Harvard's website does say that it doesn't
use endowments to reduce tuition, because, one, they have
to maintain the endowment, and much of it is restricted or set away
for specific projects. In 2018, most of the money
was put into things like hedge funds, real estate,
stocks and bonds.” To be fair, an endowment isn't like
a bank account. There are restrictions. But criticizing them
has become a bipartisan issue. These universities use the money
to pay their administrators or put donors' names on buildings, or just store the money,
keep it, and invest it. Wait... it's like Trump and Bernie
swapped just one opinion. Somewhere, Bernie Sanders is giving a speech
about how ugly Ted Cruz's wife is. “She's a 4 at best! Swipe left.” Look, if anyone knows
about scamming college kids, it's Trump. But he is right. Most schools only spend about 5%
of their endowments every year. And Harvard admits that 30%
of what they do spend is flexible. That's $600 million
flexible dollars a year! So maybe the next time
there's a global pandemic, you could do more to help these low-income
students who had to start a GoFundMe. But no, it's cool. Blow another hundred mil
on vineyards instead. So, when you see schools
relying on gig workers, firing employees who strike,
boosting president pay, and dumping money into hedge funds, this isn't the playbook
of an academic institution. This is the playbook
of a corporate institution. And that's a shift
that's been going on for a long time. Since the recession in 2008, universities have seen
their revenues decline, and overall state funding for
public colleges and universities remains $9 billion
below its pre-recession levels. If you go to an Ivy League school,
you're fine. But state funding for public colleges
never recovered from the '08 financial crisis. Tuition used to make up a third
of their funding. Today, it's almost half. Which might not seem like a big deal, but it comes with a huge shift
in priorities. If schools live or die by tuition, what do you think priority number one
is going to be? Chasing down kids who come from money. “It's housing fit for royalty.” The best of the best amenities. “And it's offered
only to college students.” This is a three-bedroom,
two-bath. “With state-of-the-art appliances,
chandeliers, and a wine fridge. Outside, there's a private Jacuzzi. Inside, a shower head
with Bluetooth capability.” And music comes out the middle. I get trying to appeal to rich kids, but have they ever met one? No one's ever been like,
“That guy is so rich, I bet he listens to music
out of his shower head.” Before COVID, colleges were transforming
into playgrounds for rich kids. I'm talking about
a ball pit at MIT, a five-story rock climbing
wall at Auburn, even a private steak house
at High Point University. But for some reason, colleges have been obsessed
with one specific amenity. “Students at Louisiana State University
can now enjoy a 500-foot lazy river
that spells out ‘LSU.’” “They're getting a lazy river
at college. This is all part of a new sports facility
at the University of Central Florida.” When I saw that they
had a lazy river, that definitely moved it up
on my top priority list. What's with this theme park bullshit? Colleges shouldn't be fun
like Disney World. They should be soul-crushing
like Epcot Center. Fuck that golf ball of sadness.
Seriously. Remember being a kid? Your parents would be like,
“Let's go to Epcot.” You're like, “Yeah!” Then you get there and they're like,
“Hey kids, want to learn about physics?” You're like, “Fuck this place.” By the way, that lazy river at LSU
was part of a renovated facility worth almost $85 million. Which is crazy when you find out
where that money could've gone. “LSU senior Catherine McKinney
took us on a tour of what she says are her school's
questionable priorities. At the library, we saw some
of the building literally falling apart.” The library has water in the basement
and rugs from another generation. Right. But you have a lazy river. But we have a lazy river, so maybe
I should just go relax, you know? Do they have... chemistry? The school is falling apart,
but I feel like they're vibing. At the very least, they're definitely
going to turn this into a romcom called The Lazy River. What is going on? We are turning universities,
one of our best tools for social mobility, into a Carnival Cruise
that caters to the rich. And that inequity
is only going to get worse. “Before the pandemic,
the gap was closing. More low-income
first-generation students were enrolling
in colleges nationwide. Now advocates worry
that progress could be lost. High school senior
Omar Quevedo-Catana had to start
working full-time at Walmart after his mother
lost her house cleaning job.” It's really just me trying
to keep everyone afloat. And... yeah, it's been tough. Omar's situation is exactly what
a lot of students are going through. You feel like you're in a catch-22: you can't afford college, but the rules of modern society
are forcing you to go. So while we're figuring out what
college will even look like in the future, now would be a good time to ask: what value are you even getting
out of these schools? We've clearly shown,
college is a business, which means you're the customer. And I don't want to be an Indian dad
about this, but you got to make sure
you are getting what you pay for. Because in ten years, a “lazy river” ain't going to mean
shit on your LinkedIn.
TIL Hasan is a UC Davis alumni.
i love when he makes UC jokes, gotta represent the best public university system in the US
haha I saw that and came here to ask if UCB does actually treat their students better ?(compared to other campuses, esp with Covid rn) I'm in high school & want to apply to schools that actually care about their students to some degree lol so any insight is appreciated :)
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Wow this was so good