Dealing with Controlling People: Relational Vampires Week 1

[Music] and welcome today to all of our life churches all of our open it network churches today we're beginning a brand new message series that I believe has the potential to speak to you in a massive way we're talk about loving people because as God loves us we're called to love people I wonder at all of our churches how many of you recognize that some people are a little more difficult to love than others and if you ever come across somebody like that that's what we're talking about in the next few weeks we're talking about relational vampires what does a vampire do a vampire sucks your blood what do relational vampires do they suck the life out of you and that's what we're gonna talk about in the upcoming weeks how do we love the people that suck the life out of us let me tell you where we're to go next week we're gonna talk about loving the people that can be overly critical always picking us apart week number three we're gonna talk about loving the very needy people that whatever you do for them it's never enough they always need more how do we love them appropriately week four we're going to talk about loving people who are hypocritical maybe there's some people that call themselves Christians but their behavior doesn't align with God's Word what is our role if at all how do we help them find life how do we love those people today I want to dive in with something that many people face how do we love those who are incredibly controlling I wonder at all of our churches if I can get all of you to participate how many of you know someone who can be a control freak raise your hand raise your hand if you tried to raise your hand and the person next to you pulled it down what I hope you'll understand is you're sitting next to the very people that we're talking about today control freaks unfortunately some of you really have been hurt by people who tried to control you maybe someone who is in an authority role in your life and was abusive and hurts you most often the people trying to control us are not malicious sometimes they're just needy sometimes they're insecure sometimes they're just hurting people who are trying to get us to do what they really think that we should be doing in our lives and if we don't these people who can be an emotional black hole we pour into them and no matter what we do is enough no matter what we give them they want more if we give them attention they crave even more if they don't get what they want sometimes they'll pout sometimes they'll stop sometimes they'll whine sometimes they'll complain sometimes they'll give you the silent treatment sometimes they'll walk away and all the time you feel like you're walking around on eggshells if you're thinking about someone right now just think about them do not point at them because that would make this message much much more difficult how do we love those who are trying to control us let's start by building a foundation what are the weapons that controllers have how do they try to take control are there two weapons that controllers have you probably know this but they use threats and they use guilt they use threats and they use guilt how do the threats manifest in some form or fashion they may say it or they may imply it but that is you better do it or you will regret it you better perform or you will be punished in other words if you don't do what I want to do in one form or fashion you're going to pay for this and they'll use threats that maybe your boyfriend who says I'll break up with you if you don't you know do what I want you to do sexually it may be your boss that terrifies you and makes you feel like you're gonna get fired or demoted you're always on edge it may be a spouse who threatens to leave whatever it is one of the manipulators controllers great weapons is to use threats they'll also use guilt they may say it or they at least imply it after all I've done for you you won't do this one thing for me I mean I thought we were friends and you won't even do this you call yourself a Christian what kind of Christian are you anyway your relative says you never call me you must be too busy for you don't worry I could be dead for two weeks rotting in my house and nobody would even know threats and guilt threats and guilt how do we as followers of Christ love those who intentionally or unintentionally try to control and manipulate us what I want to do is I want to show you a story in Matthew's Gospel and it involves Jesus and one of his disciples Peter Jesus is very clearly explaining that he must do the will of God in his life and Peter unintentionally trying to do what he thinks is right literally tries to take control of Jesus and in a very unintentional way it's gonna try to distract him from what God wants for the life of Jesus let me give you kind of context of what we're gonna see Jesus was clearly explaining to his disciples but he had to suffer and he had to die that he was going to give his life and then God would raise him from the dead and Peter looks on and essentially says oh no you don't we're not gonna let that happen this cannot happen to you and as Jesus is clearly explaining the will of God Peter is saying no I want to take control and make sure this does not happen here's how the story goes Matthew 16 verse 21 Peter took Jesus aside and begin to rebuke him you may notice sometimes the controllers and manipulators they often like to isolate you they often like to take you aside away from there's so that they can help impose their will upon you and that's what Peter is doing he took Jesus aside and said never Lord this shall never ever happen to you this is not what I want and I don't not gonna allow this to happen what did Jesus do whenever Peter tried to manipulate him away from God's will this is what Jesus did he turned and said to Peter get behind me Satan you're a stumbling block to me you do not have in mind the concerns of God but merely human concerns then jesus said to his disciples whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me how do we love those who are trying to control and manipulate us from this story what I want to do is I want to show you three very important things that we need to know to love people who are trying to control us three things to know the first thing if we take he knows is this number one we need to know what you are called to do we need to know what you are called to do and Jesus he was so clear on what his calling was I love it because over and over and over again Jesus would say in different ways the very clear very purposeful mission of why God sent him to earth why did Jesus come Jesus said I came to seek and save the Lost he told us who he came for and who he did not come for he said I did not come for those who are healthy but I came for those who are sick jesus said I didn't come for those who are righteous but I came for the sinners jesus said I didn't come so that other people would serve me but I came to serve them by giving my life as a ransom for many Jesus was incredibly clear on his calling and the purpose why he came and that's what he was describing to here I've got to give my life I'm going to suffer but it's God's calling it's his purpose for me and he will raise me back up again for you to love those who are trying to control you it's really important that you clearly define your calling what it is that God is calling you to do and a lot of times I think people mistakenly think a calling is like this grandiose like I'm supposed to be a missionary to Uganda that may be your calling but they think I'm supposed to have a cure for cancer or something like that I would argue that our calling isn't always specific but sometimes it's to the people that are closest to us your calling might be to love your wife you're calling might be to lead your children your calling might be to in this season to study well be a good student and to graduate from college you're building a foundation of which to build upon your calling might not be to a work but it might be to be a witness not called to a job but you're called to be a witness in the job that you possess and you clearly identify your calling for example I believe that my calling is clear I'm to lay down my life to serve my bride Amy I am to lead my children to become fully devoted followers of Christ and my calling is to shepherd this flock that's the metaphor that I'm the pastor of the church and that is my calling this is very very clear and this will drive what I'm called to do you need to know clearly what you're called to do this is my calling love Amy leave my kids and leave this church the problem is I'm a people pleaser the problem is many of you are people pleasers in fact how many of you would say that you battle with people-pleasing raise up your hands right so how many of you just raised up your hand to make me feel better right now you're a people pleaser okay many of us battle with being a people pleaser what we need to dan is that people-pleasing is a form of idolatry what is it doing what we're doing is we are wrongly putting people's opinions of us ahead of God's calling for us and that's why we have to be so clear on what his calling is what is calling dude calling clarifies it clarifies because let's be honest if you look at me a lot of people have a very clear view of what I should be doing with my life and my time the same is true for you there are people who want to control and say you should do this you should go here you should do this for me and they have a very very clear plan of what you should be doing with your time and with your resources when you know what you're called to do it creates clarity in other words there are a lot of people who want me to do exactly what they want them to do and I cannot do everything I cannot please everybody are you guys with me is anybody here today does anybody else ever see this going on in your life I cannot save everyone honestly I wish I could but I cannot meet with everyone that wants to meet with me I can't do everything I can't be everywhere but I can because I'm called by God I can love my bride I can lead my children and I can use the gifts that I have to do what I'm uniquely called to do and pastoring this church you need to know what you're called to do why does this matter what does every controlling person have in common there is one thing that every controlling person has in common are you ready for it every controlling person has someone who allows it everyone who is controlling has someone else who allows it so the person who is doing the control bullying has a problem but so do we if we wrongly allow it to happen that's why calling is so important clarify your calling in this season what is it that God is blessing you to do when you clarify the calling it will keep you from being distracted away from his calling towards someone else's desires know what you're called to do the second thing is to know when someone is trying to control you is to recognize and to acknowledge when someone else is trying to push you into doing what they want and perhaps even away from what God wants this is what's going on in this story Jesus says basically this is what God is calling me to do I'm going to lay down my life and God's gonna raise me up and then what does Peter do Peter stands Jesus down and says no no no no this isn't gonna happen never ever ever ever ever ever ever Lord to ask yourself was Peter the worst guy that ever lived now did he hate Jesus no was it his intentional plan to distract Jesus from the will of God not at all he was a good guy who loves Jesus in fact moments before this conversation he had just won Jesus jeopardy what is Jesus jeopardy Jesus was playing the game and he said who do other people say that I am and the disciples were answering it and they were saying all these other people say Jesus guys and they kept getting the answer wrong and Jesus Emma Peter who do you say that I am and Peter got the answer exactly right when he said you are the Christ the Son of the Living God and Jesus says Peter people flesh and blood did not reveal that to you but my father in heaven Peter was not an evil man just like perhaps most of the people that are trying to manipulate you but in that moment he was putting his own plan his desires ahead of gods and that's why you have to acknowledge when you're called to something and someone is trying to exert their will to take you away why did Peter try to control Jesus because in that moment he didn't understand God's plan and that's what we have to recognize it it may be a really good person a person that we love and loves us but we need to recognize when unintentionally or even intentionally they're threatening us or they're trying to guilt us into doing something or they're trying to just isolate us from our friends or manipulate us to rescue them again or to try to get you to meet needs that you are never ever designed to meet you really know your calling this is my lane this is my purpose during this season of my life this is what I'm supposed to be doing and then you need to acknowledge and to know whenever someone is trying to control you the third thing and this is where it gets a little bit more difficult but this is the loving thing to do the third thing is you need to know when it's time to draw a line in the sand you know when it's time to draw a line in this and and this is exactly what Jesus does to Peter Jesus says this this is what I'm called to do with you what what I want Jesus turned and said to Peter get behind me Satan this is kind of fun to say have you ever said it out loud just go ahead and said Oliver try to say ready wait ready get behind me Satan you're a stumbling block to me and you don't have in mind the concerns of God but merely human concern say it again get behind me get behind me Satan so if your grandma ever makes you feel guilty just look at her and say I'm not gonna let you talk to me that way they call our Satan don't do that don't do that don't do that don't do that don't do that work with me for a minute Jesus says this is God's will Peter unintentionally says no no no no imagine with me if you will if Jesus is codependent imagine if his identity is wrongly wrapped up in Peters opinion of him this is what God wants me to do please no no no no no this will never happen and she's like well okay I mean don't get upset if you do Jesus I'm not gonna be your disciple anymore if you do that Jesus I'm gonna be really really mad I'm gonna I'm gonna unfollow you on Instagram you know you're gonna pay I'm not gonna call you I'm gonna give you the silent treatment I'm not gonna die I'm gonna die that was for mankind but I wanna do this for you what do you want what do you want you want you want tea together you want me to you know more miracles you whatever you want Jesus was going to bend it and as I he was wrongly wrapped up and what Peter thought of him he would never do that because the moment he gives control to someone else then someone else is now directing him and God is not leading him and this is why it's so incredibly dangerous we need to know what it is that we're called to do we need to recognize when someone is trying to take us away and Jesus looks on says hey just a minute ago you want Jesus jeopardy but in this moment there is an evil spirit who is trying to take me away from doing what God called me to do what if in your life there's someone that you love and care about someone even loves and cares about you but in their dysfunction they are distracting you from serving a higher calling and a higher purpose because you idolize what they think and you've lessened and walked away from what God thinks this is why it's so incredibly important and Jesus looks on and says in this moment you don't have in mind the things of God but you have merely human concerns all right let's let her breathe what do we do where do we go when we recognize we've got an unhealthy dance where someone threatens as someone they just feel guilty and we give in and perhaps we're not doing what God called us to do let me give you a couple thoughts and hopefully for somebody this is going to be freeing for somebody here God's gonna do something God's gonna shake you God's going to move you and instead of settling for something lower God is going to move your relationships to something higher what do we know we know this is true in any relationship that the relationships you have are a combination of what you've created and what you've allowed think about it every relationship you have your marriage your siblings the relationship with your boss your co-workers your friends your children they are always some common of what you have either rightly and purposely created or what you have passively allowed we create patterns we create healthy patterns or we allow unhealthy ones every relationship you have that person that drives you crazy your mother-in-law is getting up in your business your spouse that you love and yet you continue to do this what do you have it is a combination of what you have created and what you have allowed next thought and this is the application if you don't like what you have change what you expect and what you accept if you don't like what you have change what you expect and what you accept know when to draw a line in the sand Jesus loved Peter you've got the answer right God revealed that to you well done a moment later no no no no no that's not appropriate I'm not letting you in your desire take me away from what God called me to do how do we do this I'm not gonna let you talk to me that way I love you but that's inappropriate I care about you but you can't talk to me that way big I know this is difficult but because I love you I'm not going to bail you out again you can throw a fit you can yell you can scream but I want you to know I'm gonna consistently express my love for you but I'm not going to tolerate this you know we do this with two-year-olds in the grocery store right you're two other and what are you a good parent we'll say no we're not I expect more and I'm not gonna allow that unless it goes on for about 20 minutes and then even good parents surrender because the terrorists now has control and you give them the candy and you whisper into your ear you could have the candy now but someday nobody's gonna be watching you shall tolerate that I expect more and I'm not going to accept that kind of behavior out of you and this is what we do with the people that we love I love you so much but you can't yell at me we don't use the divorce word in our marriage you can't threaten like this you know what I'm not gonna own the guilt that you're trying to put on me I'm gonna love you consistently when you do this what's gonna happen most of the time the controller is going to kind of rare up and they're gonna get upset and there they might double down on some of their dysfunctional behavior now am I the only one that had these people in my life oh yeah you're like so quiet man I either this is speaking to you I oughta mentally use like so quiet today okay so so you're gonna draw a line of Sansa's that's not acceptable a lot of times whatever it is whatever their mo is that's gonna be coming at you why are they gonna act like that because they're hurt and you're redefining the dance we had a dysfunctional codependent dance and you're trying to change it to something that's healthy they're hurting is that difficult for you it's always difficult for you it's difficult when you're redefining it because you love them and you don't want them to hurt but even though it hurts you know that on the other side there is something better does it hurt when they're hurting yes it does but it hurts every day when there's a dysfunctional relationship and someone has taken someone else away from the will of God so we have to love them enough to know when to draw a line in the sand in this case no you can't talk to me that way God has something better for you now let's get real for a minute it's really easy to talk about those control freaks but every now and then when I look in the mirror I have tattooed across my forehead king of the control freaks anybody know what I'm talking about okay because people say this people say well God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life I relate to that God loves you and I have a wonderful plan for your life I want everybody doing what I want everybody to do and my wife said Amen and my kids today man and my staff's today man anybody's around me today man because I want them to fall into my life the reason why I want them to do what I want them to do is because unfortunately I like to play God I like to call the shots and any of you who are a control freak and that would be probably a significant number of you what we don't recognize is we are doing the very thing that Lucifer did in the Old Testament which is I want to be like God and the problem is I don't make a good god and neither do you neither do you think about this no matter how much guilt you throw someone's way no matter how many times you threaten can you do you have the power to change your spouse and the answer is in case you want to no you do not does God have the power and ability to change your spouse yes he does do you as helicopter e as you are mom getting up in your business and I haven't been there yet I'm coming your way do you have the ability to control your child's future and the answer's no you do not does God have the ability to open doors and to close doors to direct your kids yes he does do you have the power to manipulate to control to threaten to whatever exchange one's behavior and help them overcome an addiction no you do not but does God through the power of Christ have the ability to make someone new the old is gone and to set them free from the power of Darkness yes he does and so when we recognize we don't have the power to control we stop trying to be like God and we surrender to him and that's why Jesus said right after this conversation between his will and God's will and Peter trying to stop it what did he say the very next thing in context of this dysfunctional encounter he then turns away from Peter and he looks at his disciples and he says to them whoever wants to be my disciple must deny them selfs in other words you can't be your own God anymore and just like I'm gonna have to give my life and just like God is gonna raise me up you too have to take up your cross and follow me essentially what was he saying if you want to follow Jesus you will never be in control again because it's not about your will from that moment on it's all about his will nevertheless father not my will be done but your will be done in heaven why is this so important because anytime we let someone else wrongly control us or anytime we try to control someone else essentially we're trying to be God but the only way we can truly follow him is to surrender our will to his will not try to control someone else but entrust them to him to pray for them to love them appropriately without entering into the dysfunction and sometimes say I'm just gonna have to us that the Spirit of God is going to do a work in you I cannot control it I right now I'm dying to myself and trying to bring my flesh my desires under the will of God because if I want to truly follow Jesus it's no longer about what I want but I will be fully submitted to him so father today I ask that your spirit would speak to us and give life and all of our churches as you're reflecting today in prayer I wonder how many of you would recognize honestly there may be a little bit of dysfunction in a relationship where someone is trying to exert their will upon you you're dealing with someone with the controlling spirit would you lift your hands right now just lift them up all of our churches put it put them down for a moment those of you who would say that may be true but I also can do that to others I can battle with trying to control would you lift up your hands for just a moment father today I pray for both of these groups and I would be included in both God for those who are wrongly Dancing with someone who may not even have bad intentions but we recognize that that this dysfunction could lead us away from your will God forgive us for the idolatry of sometimes putting someone else's opinion of us ahead of your calling for us God clarify are calling that with everything in a Scott we would sense in this moment this is your will this is your purpose for us and God anytime there there's miss direction there there there's someone that's trying to take us off that God give us the courage to say no to that distraction so we can always say yes to your will God give us the courage to love them in a way that we're not willing to be manipulated but instead we just change what we expect we expect something so much better something something healthy and we will not accept something that is anything less God than your will now for us that are trying to control God would you empower us to trust in you God with all of our hearts to lean not on our own understanding trying to manipulate or control God but in all of our ways acknowledge you to know you and God we thank you that you will our paths straight as you continue to pray at all of our different churches the good news is God has brought many of you here for this moment because you're gonna recognize you are still in control of your life and Jesus said it very clearly if you want to belong to me you cannot be in control you need to deny yourselves and to follow him and all of our churches there may be those of you that you recognize you're still the king of your life you're still the Lord of your life and deep down you know there's something wrong if I ask you where do you stand with God you would you would feel the weight of your guilt the sin you feel the shame of it and so oftentimes we try to take control well I'll do good things I'll stop doing bad things maybe I'll go to church and I'll give to somebody in need if maybe that will win the heart and the approval of God the problem is that there is no way we can possibly ever work our way into the favor of God because our sin separates us from a holy God the good news is even though we've sinned God still loves you more than you can imagine and in his love and in His mercy he became like you in the person of Jesus and the very thing Jesus was explaining appear is the heart of why he came that he must give his life but the innocent one would die in our place as the perfect sacrifice for the forgiveness of our sins Jesus would die and God would raise him from the dead why so that anyone and this includes you who calls on the name of Jesus would be saved changed and forgiven at all of our churches there are those of you you recognize that you are in control today you surrender control you turn from your sins you call on the name of Jesus when you do he will hear your prayer he will forgive your sins he will make you brand new and all of our churches those who say yes that is me I surrender control I'd give my life to Him Jesus take me be first the Lord of my life that sure prayer lift her hands high right now all over the place lift them up and say yes that's my prayer as to her hands going up in all of our different churches Church online would you simply click right below me and as we have literally hundreds and hundreds of people all over the world coming to faith would you join your heart in prayer with those around you pray Heavenly Father forgive me of my sins make me brand new Jesus be my Savior be my Lord fill me with your spirit so I could follow you so I could live for you my life is not my own today I give it to you thank you for a new life now you have mine in Jesus name I pray with somebody works it big right now somebody give God praise welcome to those born into gods family thank you so much for joining us for this week's message we're so honored that we get to play a part of all that God is doing in in through your life and to help you on your spiritual journey we have a website Club Life Church flash mix I have some great resources for you to grow in your relationship with Christ be sure to check out the Life Church app this is a great way for you to stay connected to the church all throughout the week you can find that wherever you download your apps because we do all of this because we know and truly believe that whoever finds God finds what you

Channel: Life.Church

Views: 44,141

Rating: 4.9173226 out of 5

Keywords: Craig, Groeschel, lifechurch, controlling people

Id: s3YhtxJMbOs

Length: 35min 49sec (2149 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 04 2018