Dave Allen BBC1 1990 Show 1 06 01 90

[Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you [Music] thank you thank you very much indeed thank you good evening and welcome to the show as you can see the show has no music no titles no actors no costumes no sketches let's be honest it's cheap thank you as a matter of fact it's so cheap when it's repeated I will not be in it we can't even afford quantel quantel is that uh television imagery trickery it's a kind of visual thing where you'll see a picture of the performer and all of a sudden he'll turn Head Over Heels spin around like a top and the last you see him is in the corner of the screen disappearing up his own anus we don't have that thank God how do you like the set all it needs is a couple of wardens a priest and a governor at least some things don't change here is the nectar the juice the fuel s I said I'd like to sample a drink not drink a sample a new series I've been doing a new series there's a there actually is a tremendous amount of work that goes into the whole project there are negotiations uh meetings discussions uh on concept or what sort of pattern that show will take and then eventually when that's all agreed there are meetings with directors and writers special effects lighting wardrobe the whole the whole issue does it this involves a tremendous amount of people So eventually the show is actually recorded and then eventually transmitted so that you the viewer at home can sit there look at it think yourself a lot of horseshit and turn it off and the uh we would call on the other hand in this uh age of modern technology you don't even have to watch it what you can do is watch something else and record it and then watch the recording and then sit there and think what a lot of horseshit I've been asked what I've been uh what have I been doing for the last four years I haven't been on television for four years people say what have I been here I actually retired I still am retired but to keep myself during my retirement you know in a manner to which I'm accustomed to I have to work it's a it's a kind of Irish retirement [Applause] people say whatever what have I been doing over the last week well according to statisticians over the last four years as an average person I sleep an average of eight hours every night no eight hours over a period of four years that's 16 months uh cooking and eating takes up three hours every day instead of six months telephonian people three hours a day that's another six months uh according to statisticians as a city dweller I probably spend three hours every day slowly maneuvering through traffic jams so there's another three months uh time spent baiting over a four year period is two months shaving is another two bumps time spent on the lavatory three months a month ago foreign so that means uh I get up in the morning shave go to the kitchen eat make a few phone calls get in a traffic jam come home have a crap and go to bed what else what else has changed over the last few weeks for you living do you realize how dangerous living is now do you know that eating food is as dangerous as writing books poor little salmon Rusty geez if I was a Muslim I'd have been dead years ago [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I wonder where he is he's probably living with Lord Lucan going back to that kind of food issue there was there was an expression years ago which said which came first the chicken or the egg now we say which came first the salmonella chicken or the salmonella and it seems to have affected the Whole Foods apart everything's affected meat fish cheese fruit Pate yogurt the only way to have a healthy life is not to eat starve to death at least when you're dying you know you're not dying of anything serious I mean when you actually come down does it come to something that in this day and age the only really safe thing we can eat are the worms in the drinking water thank you I just want to say this green awareness everybody just become much more aware even that High Priestess of what we would call the Marketplace Mrs Thatcher has now joined the green bandwagon she's hectoring us on how we can do things to improve our environment come on for Christ that's rather like Joan Collins becoming a nun and telling all telling us all to take vows of Chastity it's very praiseworthy but a bit late do you know the main cause one of the main causes of what we would call the greenhouse effect that we're all going through the loss of trees and what causes the loss of trees babies crapping babies because babies use nappies and nappies use up trees 1500 nappies wipes out one tree over a period of two years a baby who uses six nappies a day will kill Three Trees the little bastard should be gone at these babies the poop it's his fault [Applause] [Music] he said he's a celibate old Pole right when he tells billions of people throughout the world about the sex life of the sanctuary he's not for the pleasure is to propagate to bring Catholic children into the world no but the control no use the p no use the rubber I say to him if you don't play the game don't make the rules foreign talking about birth control I see that America has a new new president I'll do that again talking about birth control I see that America has a a new president I shouldn't have done it a second time I mean is that Mr Bush is he's quite extraordinary is he I mean most most politicians strive for notoriety he's seeking anonymity and he's succeeding who was I talking about [Applause] [Music] you you realize that if President Bush were to drown and he was in the sea drowning and his whole life were to flash before his very eyes he wouldn't be in it there are other things they're confusing despite despite a lot of criticism I actually think that the chances of these Trekker is doing a good job foreign time Britain was in the first 50 debtors of the world great debtors of the world you know that now we're in the top 20. it doesn't make you feel proud you're improving you're just behind Brazil and Argentina you know do you know how much we owe we owe 170 billion pounds at least one of the only ones America is the greatest debtor in the world the most affluent nation in the world is the greatest debtor to the most affluent debtor they they own billions we all owe money France owes money Italy Spain Germany Ireland we're up to Ross in debt Far East the Middle East China Australia we all owe billions and billions and billions who in the Name of Christ do we owe it too right now [Music] and where did they get it from and then we give other nations Aid we borrow money to give validation lunacy what else has changed over the last four years I've changed uh I'm four years older I've gone through what we would call the half century I don't I I don't actually some people do object to getting old I don't not when you consider the alternative thank you it really is I mean it really is my ambition just to get old I just want to get old I just want to get older and older and older and all I actually want to get my telegram for the queen and keep going it's my ambition to be able to look back on my old age and in this in this aging process as we age we all have a kind of a different totally different attitude to what we would call life expectancy the years in life expectancy I mean when you're when you're in your teens aging has got nothing to do with you agents got to do with other people old people old people can eat and then when you're 20 you kind of think if I live to be 40 I'll be happy 40 to 20 year old is ancient Decay Christ I'd rather be dead than 40. and then when you're 30 you're thinking she's 40. surely I'm entitled to live a few more years and 40. how about 55 God how about 55 give me 55. I'll be happy with 55. you get the 55 75 tell me got it you got a 75 you think [ __ ] 76 please God remember you're 83 it makes no difference because you've gone you're into a second childhood thinking I grow up I'm going to be an engine driver and then there's all those [ __ ] you've ever come to those [ __ ] who say things like I never want to be old they're always around kind of 30 33 years of age I never want to grow old I don't want to reach a situation where I'm totally hatefulness helpless incapable of taking care of myself totally dependent on other people I don't want to reach that stage I kill myself first rap Because by the time they get to that point they're a bit Gaga they know they want to kill somebody but they kind of remember who it is [Applause] [Music] one of the things as a as a increasingly I'm a member of the older generation ah is that we we Envy The Young I don't envy the young they're youth or the future why Envy in the Young it's their energy I mean we all are generation we try to conserve our energy they waste it I walk up the stairs people go I carefully descend stairs Gone By Me it's rather like being somebody with limited spending watching somebody's got an open checkbook and the whole kind of thing I don't mind I'll have any energy they don't know how to use them that's the trouble they have all that energy but they don't know how to use it I know how to use it I don't have it they have this extraordinary ability to to burn the candle at both ends have the capability of staying up all night not to mention the sexual prowess which is the same thing I suppose [Laughter] hours of recuperation I mean you when you get old you begin to notice there are powers of recognition are enormous I mean I go out in the booze it takes me three or four days to get over it now walking around the blinding headache Amnesia nausea appetite's gone honey tadpoles running in front of my eyes the young totally different they'll Hammer 14 pints into themselves watching One Go spent three hours in a disc attack jumping up and down another hour trying to tell us female that the man that's standing in front of this Hulk with pimples this thought of his mind is Adonis they'll get home they'll spend an hour an hour and a half with the head and the balls vomiting two hours sleep they're up down into the kitchen ruin the food they've gone through a box of Crispies a loaf of bread pint and a half of milk six eggs and a pound of bacon they sit there finishing up scratching themselves bulging farting saying when's lunch not only in the uh in the Aging in the Asian process interesting not only psychologically what actually happens as we age we ourselves age we tend to uh we tend to protect ourselves from the aging process um by seeing ourselves in a different age we all do it I'm 53 years of age now what when I walk down the road whatever psychological uh development was in me I don't I don't really see myself as a 53 year old and this happens to us all we all see ourselves in in the age where we feel most suited I walk down the road I think myself maybe 30. that's what I think 30. I'm going down the road swinging it's 31. that's what I see myself and then I see myself reflected in the shop window well there's a moment of recognition and I think who's that old bastard over there I wanted one of the surest telltale signs of aging is your skin your skin losing what is called the elasticity of the skin the stretch when you're young you have a tight fitting skin as you get older it gets looser remember as a child do you remember as a child pulling the skin on the back of your hand you pull it like that put it back Let It Go whack straight back I do that now look [Laughter] eight bloody seconds all over the body it's like some great gravitational pullers on me everything's beginning to Sag everything and behind sag the jowls the boobs the belly the bum bloody kneecaps it's all drooping what's happening to us all um what is actually happening is your skin is losing its elasticity that's what's actually happened and people trying to fight this you can't fight it people try to fight about what we would call cosmetic surgery where they kind of cut and then they tuck and Stitch tight tight on Tighter and Tighter to his Groove until there's no stretch left there's nothing left foreign people like Nancy Regan haven't you seen Nancy Reagan she's had somebody like five facelifts there's nothing left in there it's pulled tight she looks like a bush baby on a sting you've seen her standing there concerned oral sex is finished look [Music] there are oh well things in the aging process skin the skin actually is quite an interesting subject you know that uh we all shed skinned you know that you know they'll be shed skin each and every one of us every man woman and child in the world should skin over a over an hour each and every almost shed something like ten thousand minute scales of skin over a three-day period we shed one total layer of skin this is fine this is not makeup this is right do you know that something like 90 of the dust in the world is made up from dead human skin how do you feel about that you think you're dust in your house you're not you're just moving your grandmother wrong and also also people think in in the aging process that uh gray hair it's a sign of Aging it can be a a feature it can be a part parts of the aging process but it's not necessarily the cause of gray hair uh you can become gray because of various different reasons it can be hereditary uh a malfunction of the genes can cause greatness anemia cause greatness lacking Vitamin B and vitamin F causes greatness vast quantities of liquids cause greatness cause greatness Terror fear shock can actually it's been recorded and a man went from being to the black-haired to totally white haired is something like seven minutes that's an interesting thing I mean the body hair on my body I'm going gray on the top of my head but the rest of my body here is black my eyebrows are black my beard is black my hands are black my legs my chest black I noticed recently that I have I'm having a bath I noticed that I had my first White pubic hair now what did he see that the others didn't see can you imagine one of those little gray hairs or little hairs turning around through the gray hair and saying what did you see I its eyes another one two graves here here is here is interesting because I don't know it's a change in metabolism but the hair the texture the quality of the hair all these changes itself uh it becomes more coarse harsh um for example years ago all my eyebrows were uniform in length three or four years ago I'm just sitting there kind of talking to someone as you casually do I'm just stroking my eyebrows just like and I suddenly come across my hair which doesn't belong in there pull it and it go guys that was about an inch and a half long are you here now that was abnormal at that time now it's the normal all the little ones are gone my eyebrows are shooting off in all directions half an inch quarter of an inch an inch it's amazing my ears which years ago had no hairs in them now have Forest clumps boy shoes but growing into my ear coming out of my ear my nose is a hair suit Factory they just keep on descending like a bloody Forest I attack them with scissors tweezers I wanted the name of Crisis happening to my body I'm losing the hair off the top of my head and it's coming out of every orifice of my faith and there are other things in the in the in the Asian process is that uh your eye your eyes start to change they suddenly go you don't realize that's extraordinary you don't realize it's your eyesight I actually thought it was something to do with my arms a book so I don't see an optician and he explained in that knowledgeable way that they all have [ __ ] it's a natural change it's uh your body you're following it's it's a Nature's Way of protecting you what the hell is that about why do you need to see things that are further away when you're old surely you need to see the things of bloody narrative like the steps other pedestrian lamp posts I can see the bus at 300 yards I can't find a bus stop [Applause] I don't like to see this optician hey I got my glasses I got my first pair of glasses you do you know the most amazing thing about getting your first pair glass as soon as you get these glasses your bloody memory goes I put my glasses on take them off in this second I have no idea where they are I'm walking around like a [ __ ] thing where where are my noses I spent I actually spent half of my life my diminishing years looking for bloody glasses I write myself little notes now your glasses are on the mental shelf I find a note I can't read it I've got no bloody glasses [Applause] [Music] my children my children who are caring concerned loving children have lost all patience with me when I'm looking for my glasses I'm groping around like an idiot whimpering like a fool but there right in front of you right under your nose can't you see them like a bloody see them I wouldn't need them what I do now is when I take them off I put them far away so I can see them [Music] amazing the optician he said to me he said how about contact lenses I can't even find the big bastards how would I find it [Laughter] who made amazing thing about contact I try them I mean they have they have this kind of Panache for soup they love soup you have contact lenses and bowl of soup and you'll never say excuse me I've lost my contactless you go through the whole thing thank you you're sitting office on somebody who's thinking what sort of a wanker is that you ever seen you ever seen people who lose their contact they look like Hitler they go the sad thing in many ways too about the Asian person is a memory remember and how how pompous in youth we are about memory I remember years ago uh every Christmas we would have kind of relatives ancient relatives that Holy Spirit of Christmas and peace on Earth and Good Will to everybody we just invite all these kind of idiot ants that we had grandmother oh you used to sit around something like that and there'll be some very interesting movie on and they just talked the whole way through it they talk about it but they never know what they were talking about yes she she was in that um that was before she went off with the other one not I'm sitting thinking you what an old geriatrics what the hell are you talking about no it's me no I'm sitting in my own house with my children I'm going wasn't he in um extraordinary thing memory I mean quite recently an example of of loss of memory within split seconds I'm in my house I'm downstairs in my house there's something that I want which is upstairs I know what it is and I know exactly where it is upstairs and I leave the city you know I walk across the corridor go three steps up the stairs and now I have no idea so I think well reason this through don't go up and look for something you don't know what you're looking for sit down on the stairs work your way back to the point when you thought what it was you wanted in two minutes I have no bloody idea when I was upstairs coming down or downstairs going up and age age not only changes you physically it changes it changes your attitude to life for example now around 1950 there was a cinema a movie made called Sunset Boulevard you might remember and it started a lady called Gloria Swanson and in it she played a 60 year old lady uh who had been us star in the silent screen and in it she picks up a destitute young writer and turns him into her Playboy and there's there's a scene in this movie where she seduces him into her bed and she's 60 odd years of age and she's lying it now I'm in the cinema I'm 17 years of age at the time and she's lying there with a face plus a mask of makeup she got eyelashes that look like caterpillars wandered across her face she holds up her arms and they wobble all that loose flesh her mouth is like a bloody big great slash across and she lies and she goes fish I'm in the cinema when he kisses change an attitude that was movie was on television recently I'm sitting there to go through that whole scene she said kiss me and I'm thinking [ __ ] I fancy her thank you [Music] actually I uh I think the aging process would be much more interesting instead of being born Young and growing old would it be better to be grueled and become Young then you know how to deal with your youth when you got there you'd have all the energy to do all the right things you wouldn't lose hair on the way back you'd grow hair your teeth had come back your eyesight all those wrinkles would disappear and you'd finished up being breastfed Jesus foreign [Applause] [Music] ages this uh time is a transient thing and yet somehow or another we we want to grab a hold of it and keep it we actually in reality talk about saying things like I've got to save time you can't save time time's gone motor manufacturers will will make as a selling point a feature of the car that uh your car can go from North to 60. in 5.8 seconds thereby saving you two seconds and people actually get wrapped up in this they talk to each other does your car really go from does it really go from uh from note to 60 in 5.8 seconds yes is it yeah I was trying to call like that you really saved two seconds yes last week I saved a minute and a half what if I was talking about you see people racing around the country then people don't see the country don't see things don't experience things they're getting a car [Music] people come down from Glasgow 104 and a half hours London four and a half hours really yeah how long does it normally take you seven hours let's say two and a half hours what did you do with the time you save I bore the ass off people talking about it the kitchen is a great great area for time saving all those time-saving devices like electric Carvers I mean an electric Carver by the time you get the meat out of the oven and get this thing out of the drawer and plug it in the bloody meat freezing I mean you can't cut nicely you can't slice you can't carve yeah goes through the bones [Laughter] food food blend they call processors what are they called food process to chop everything up potatoes meat blenders chocolate you can whip your chocolate up in three seconds mayonnaise it doesn't show you the time it takes to clean the bloody thing I was in Hong Kong recently and I'm walking by the shop and I see a clock a little watch not a clock watch so the change in it and there's nothing there there's no face it's just a black face there's nothing there's no fingers no Nails no numbers nothing and I said I said well what is this he said so talking to one it's a talking clock so the clock tells you the time I said yes oh you walk down the road all you have to do is do that and the pressure of rust activate speaking for you it saves you all the time of doing that you don't have to do that you walk down the road you're on a little voice the end of your wrist says 4 42. 30 seconds I mean people people get stuck in the watch I watches are not watches anymore watches used to be something you told the time with now they're a kind of advanced technological machine a miracle of engineering they're not just watches they're calculators computers people talk about this look at this see this extraordinary watch see not only does it tell the time here in London but you see this little dial over here to the left of the 12th that tells me the time in San Francisco this one on the right here by the two tells me the time in Tokyo and this one down here the bottom tells me the time in Vancouver extraordinary you know is that one of them to be able to tell the time do you want to know what time it is in San Francisco no you don't want to know what time it is I don't want to know what time it is in San Francisco yes I would want to know I'm in London what the hell what I want to know what the time how about Tokyo it's a calculator really yes wonderful it's a musical box memory bank when's the when's the and they'll say things happen when's your birthday I go uh sixth July all right just a second I'll wait and suddenly the calendar and the clock will go 6th of July a little much we'll go stop watch stopwatch I said listen what do you want to stop watch for he said well it's very handy if I'm doing something and I'd like to know how long it takes me I just want to when I started I just press the button and when I finished I go back one do I make it love when I'm making love it's very interesting to see how long I take that just before I enter I go and when I finish I go three and a half seconds foreign [Applause] [Music] why do you want to know why do you want to know what you want to Encompass for on your watch she was my honey I'd like to know where I'm going which direction I'm going when I'm making love I can go north my Northwest by east west north people actually say things like shockproof shock proof I'm going to get one of those shock proof watches and go the Pope's a poof I think that'd work they'll boast about a watch that can tell you the time at 50 Fathoms [Music] who in the Name of Christ is going to ask you what time it is down there [Applause] you're in the Merc the Gloom troom because [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I mean how we live by time how we live how we live by the watch the clock we're brought up to the clock we're brought up to respect the clock admire the clock punctuality we live a life to the clock all right you wait to the clock you go to work to the clock you clock into the clock you clock out to the clock if you come home to the clock you eat 10 o'clock you drink to the clock you go to bed to the clock you get up to the clock you go back to work to the clock you do that for 40 years of your life you retire what they [ __ ] give you [Applause] ladies and gentlemen I've come to the end of my stay on stage tonight thank you for listening uh whatever God you support may he go with you good night and there's more from Dave Allen at the same time next Saturday evening [Music] thank you [Applause]

Channel: Simon Tilley

Views: 78,712

Keywords: Dave Allen, Comedy, UK, Stand Up, 1990

Id: EL8Ky73daDg

Length: 38min 50sec (2330 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 29 2022