Best of dave allen

do you think I could have a few lights thank you for 20 years this is the studio what I did most of my television work and when I used to come in here it wasn't empty and cold and a bit sad it was packed with actors cameraman lighting wardrobe makeup this whole area would be covered with sets over here half a church over there jungle over there the laboratory of dr. Frankenstein that was bars bedrooms boudoirs banks even saloons from Dodge City all memories in here for me there's lots of ghosts sadly no spirits but I don't know why I'm talking about it why don't I show you could we have lights out please thank you a little bit of music thank you sounds of people maybe a little bit of luck enjoy [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank you good evening and welcome to the show and may I say your very good health Cheers it's extraordin it's really illogical actually when you pick up something which is purely alcohol and savor somebody good health but you I should think of the properties of alcohol the damage it does to it destroys your brain cells gives you enormous headaches double vision DTS destroys your stomach lining your bladder your kidney your liver are we saying good help we say Cheers good help wrong right we should be actually saying misery [Music] we don't actually pick up anything that's healthy we never tells to tow somebody with a glass of water or a cup of tea I mean if you're in a bar you look across and you go you were in a cafe with a cup of coffee you know I think the Irish actually accused throughout the world have been perhaps the most illogical nation in the world now I don't actually think that we are illogical I think that we are a nation of what would return lateral thinkers I don't mean we lie down and think about but we approach subjects in a different way for example I guarantee if if if you go to Ireland and ask for directions from an Irish person 9 out of 10 people will advise you not to start from where you are it's just a different approach say I wouldn't start from here if I were you go over there it's nearer I actually saw I'd been out of Ireland for a while and I went back and I was in a restaurant and on the menu it said goose I hadn't seen goose on a menu for years so I said I said to the waitress I said how's the goose she said I don't know I did nothing I said no no what's it like she says it's like a white duck only bigger if you want to actually examine what is termed Irish illogicality perhaps the best place in the world to go to mr. quartz I watched the man in Irish court and the judge said to him is charged with some menial offense and the judge said to me how do you plead guilty or not guilty and I said would you mind awfully if I listened to the evidence [Applause] [Music] is it worth it for the English taxi they they pride themselves on the logic they look on the irises totally kind of lunatic nation people I was reading recently where London Transport have lost last year 14 million in unpaid fares and I thought to myself what if they applied Irish logic to that they could they could save themselves a lot of money all they have to do is to cut the fares in half and they'd send themselves 20 million the English are the most illogical nation in the world and your guidance you guided by the most illogical notices in the world for example in this theater here tonight the audience that are here are informed by the management that when you leave here you must leave by the exits only now I'm Irish I don't have to be told that there's solid wall gap I live near a graveyard which actually has a sign which says do not use the footpath to the crematorium it is for patrons only I love things when I see a door which says this door is not an exit this door is not an exit I've actually seen it in Manchester I was walking up a laneway on the outside of a door it actually says this door is neither an exit nor an entrance I must be kept closed [Applause] that is on the outside of the door so that means you got to go into the building come through the door go outside you see I mean I love it when I see things like part-time females required female I saw a notice recently which says are you illiterate unable to read and write so contact us at this approach I mean I go through Soho and I seen it which says live girls dancing leave specs tips on a piece of aha I've actually seen by the River Thames assignment says this area is liable to flooding if this notice is covered do not park your car my favorite actually as I've seen have your ears pierced while you wait what are you gonna do take a lobby now let me get to the illogicality of any situation when I think the English for some reason another seem to believe that they impart knowledge and information and understanding through Proverbs they speak in proverbial forms they say parents will save the children things like never cross your bridge until you come to it believe me there is a proverb in the English language which actually states learn to cut your fingernails with your left hand one day you might lose your right arm [Music] I mean they're amazing in the English I mean there really are with your language I was looking for a house trying to buy a house a few years ago and every house I went into people generally the woman in house would show me around the house and she'd say things most obvious things she say this is the kitchen show me put a table in the stove and lots of plate this is the kitchen into the this is the lavatory the cellar is downstairs the bar at a table two or three empty chairs around it somebody's bound to are you sitting in that chair no I'm sitting in this one know what I mean is there anybody sitting in that chair yes there's eight people having a gangbang have you ever stopped seeing a park on a newspaper sit on the bench it's wet and you put a newspaper now sit there somebody come along super sign I I guarantee you I guarantee you after 5 minutes or 2 minutes they'll turn around say hi are you are you reading that [Music] on the English when they meet somebody who doesn't actually speak English very well they don't ever work it out and reason about the person does not speak English very well they work on the premise he's dead hope you know a German or something that you you want to go where well then you go go down down down down the go down the road within the illogicality of England if I for example working on you something someday we'll have a nice hot summer go into my garden and I like the Sun and I decide to strip naked and lie in my garden naked and my next-door neighbour female looks out of her window and sees my nakedness she can actually see my genitals my private oh my god what a word private she can actually form the police and have me arrested for indecent exposure now can you imagine that happening to you you kill your career is wiped out you the company that hired my god I didn't know he was like that your wife will wander around the neighbors will say oh poor darling my god imagine been married to a beast like your children look harassed in school all the kids yard as a flash [Music] and yet if she goes into her garden and lies naked in the Sun and I look at her nakedness she can phone the priests and have me arrested for being a peeping tom I've actually be prattling on for a long time bit too long time I think it's time actually that I did a little bit more damage to my health and while I am damaging my health you can watch some sketches [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] they sure do I have a last request see certainly you should get it why not you see there is no good without a light only one request [Music] [Applause] I have a confession to make yeah yes Father hmm carry on carry well I'm very very ashamed of what I've done it doesn't matter God is all forgiving thank you Father well I went walking by the river yesterday and I was just sitting there you know chewing a piece of grass when when this sheep well this you came down for a drink well she looked at me and I looked at her well she had the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen watch the most beautiful eyes hey Jeff I heard you beautiful eyes go on we just fell in love you made love to achieve this fornication probably gathered I was I was educated by the Catholic clergy God's stormtroopers well the things I've never understand about by the Catholic religion is what I would call the the inequality between the sexes I mean as far as a woman consume she enters the clergy all she can do the top job she can get his Mother Superior that's as far that's as far as she can go men can become priests Monsignors bishops Archbishop's Cardinals just just keep on going up and finally the Pope I've never understood about religions is that the higher you go in rank in the Catholic Church anyhow the better your clothes get I mean the priests a little lowly priests Oh drat Oh black comin along seniors move up they get a little bit of color the bishops the bishops they can wear black and they can wear purple they can wear black the Archbishop's black and purple Cardinals can wear bright red black and / and the Pope he can wear anything he's got white yellow black purple to wear rings jewelry never hat big hats normal can you see him in the morning nobody would well what touch shall i wear today my matching accessories easy and the Pope this is Pope this Polish Pope he's a great travel innocent traveling travels everywhere and the extraordinary have you seen him when he gets out of an airplane first thing he does is kneel down and kissed the ground and whatever host country he arrives him that's what he does and all the people stand and say isn't that wonderful his emissary from Rome comes to us an out of admiration for our land he kisses the ground crap he's like me bloody terrified of flying [Music] [Applause] he's down there sending bubble I think she's just been down to Australia sponsored by a brewery durricks next [Applause] hope do we have that at the moment it's very he's very strict in many ways regarding the teachings of the church birth control he's fit he's very strict on there's no such thing as birth control there's no pure law or anything and quite recently a mathematician worked out that if the if there's no sort of birth control in South America by the year 2020 there will be standing room only a stop to it sure you know the only way you can bring me back into the Catholic Church is to have a Chinese Pope I would love a Chinese Pope to be elected can you imagine receiving Holy Communion from a Chinese Pope in your honor oh you're gonna have this here or take away [Applause] you you you [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] and I'll name you this child Victoria Mary Ann Victoria Mary I baptized his child Victoria Mary and may God bless her [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Laughter] [Music] [Music] dearly beloved friends and jewels it is with heartfelt joy that I asked the bishop to bless the new chancellor window this beautiful work of art is dedicated to the friends this parish in particular the choristers of this church will raise some of the money to support this noble creating bishop Thank You Becca I offer my blessings to the diocese and dedicate this window to the everlasting glory of our Lord Jesus Christ [Music] I don't know how you feel about what is called the twelve days of Christmas festive season but we're only halfway through it and I'm actually bug-eyed with exhaustion totally I mean the only reason I'm doing this shows when they said to me would you like to do is show and I thought good that'll give me a rest from the holiday I mean I don't know whether I'm getting older well I know I'm getting older I'm quite actually quite happy to get older when you consider the alternative but I am beginning to find that Christmas is becoming much more stressful years ago I could actually deal with things like Christmas tree lights I'm one of those few people actually I don't bring my Christmas tree into the house until Christmas Eve the lights work perfect looks beautiful two hours before the shops closed every little mustard light goes never the next two hours I am scampering like a lunatic around London like a demented lunatic in ever-increasing circles searching madly for one little green Christmas tree light that was made in Taiwan in 1968 I still even at the Christmas tree I still what is this lunacy with Christmas trees what does this need we have at Christmas because a young Jewish child was born in Palestine we suddenly see their bring Christmas trees into a house can you imagine at any other time of the year if you brought a tree into the house silver balls on it on a ferry on the top put you away actually this year to ensure that I got a good Christmas tree this year I went and picked it earlier got a two weeks ago it was perfect beautiful shape wonderful wonderful shape dark green thick bushy that was then now it looks like it's suffering from acid rain even the fairy on the top is losing his hair I spent half of Christmas sweeping cleaning up those pine needles so many times but the bag on the side of my Hoover looks like a fat porky pie now the only thing regarding Christmas and Christmas trees is it's not really difficult to get a Christmas tree but if you think back over the past Christmas it's even more difficult to get rid of the bloody thing I mean you try getting rid of the Christmas tree at the end of Christmas the dust one won't take it you can't burn it because you live in a smokeless zone and you find yourself after the Christmas surreptitiously creeping around your neighborhood trying to find a builder skip and you can't find one so you dump it in some of these Gardens thank Christ go to rim it come back to your own house and this [Applause] considered to me moment as an arsenal the most annoying thing about Christmases wrapping paper now why can't the manufacturers of wrapping paper make wrapping paper so large that it can wrap up two presents why is it always just one and a half this actually got to the point now that I by my presence to fit the paper I buy a big present a small present and the other thing I've noticed about Christmas you buy a box of crackers and it says Made in Great Britain with foreign parts are we all the thing about that the crackers it's not the crackers so much it's the hats no hats you get in order why can't they fit you either get them slipping over your eyes perched on the top of the head who do they testes match our I mean other two fellows in Singapore sitting in some little sweatshop one would an enormous head 3 and 7/8 for me horrify you the thing I is that indoor fireworks - have you seen indoor fireworks the serpent light it bingo dog turd Mount Vesuvius dog turn hot-air Zeppelin a flying dog are under tremendous stress and if you watch yourself all the Christmas your family become enemies everybody needs wiping out smile tightens your voice which used to be my god were meant to be having a good time find yourself to summit summit fools [Applause] [Music] one of the things I've noticed about changing Christmas you can actually get a room full of children together and sit them all down in a room and if you say to all these children who was born in a stable they'll all say my little pony Wow I actually think it's about time that we go on with the show don't you [Music] yah yah yah yah hah the enemy ah dah dah dah dah gah if there is an enemy offensive I picked these tanks to break through right yeah [Music] tardive me buzzin me Tarzan me Tarzan me Jane in always wondered what you'll call Little John oh oh damn spot out I say I said hey what's in my fear that we are too late for items tell me what have you seen man it's imperative that we must know what you're seeing the life of your daughter depends on it what's in your America man calm down find out what do you see for it homes now then old man you you tell me what you seen oh gosh thank you on the table oh right which way would you either way excuse me the table it doesn't revolve it it's not turning it should according to Greek mythology the god Zeus created women a woman to punish man he created a woman called Pandora he gave her two things he gave her a box which he told her never to open and he gave her a curiosity which he knew that she could not contain he knew that eventually she would open the box and release upon the world all the ills and evils that have plagued us since tonight I would like to tell you a true story that every nevis traits that the sin of curiosity still lies in a woman's bosom but I would also illustrate with horrifying clarity that the power of the supernatural still exists my story begins in Ireland around the turn of the last century a young man returned to his ancestral home which is bride for the first few weeks there she busied herself getting to know her neighbors the countryside her servants but above all the house that was her home it was a large rambling type of house looks and crannies long endless corridors into joining the staircases she was quite happy exploring this house for hours upon hours until eventually she thought she knew the house from cellar to attic and when she thought that she knew the house from top to bottom she discovered herself one day in the West Wing in a corridor she had never seen before on the wall of that corridor was a tapestry depicting the casting out of Lucifer from heaven and behind the tapestry isadora a locked door she tried every key on her keyring but to no avail the door remained locked she placed her ear against at door I'm thought she heard sound similar to the sobbing of a child she asked her servants about the door and all they would do would avert their eyes and say ask the master and that night had dinner she didn't she said what is the room what is in there why is it locked a coldness came over our husband he looked at her with eyes that were both angry and frightened he said you must never ever attempt to enter that room she said why and he said I do not know all I know is that in 400 years my family have lived here nobody has ever set foot in that room and nobody will please do not bring up that subject again do not talk to me about the room or the door the weeks passed but she could not get rid of this thought of the door she was intrigued with it curiosity was aroused the room was like a magnet he drew her back time and time and time she would stand in front of that door and wonder what was in there and then fate smiled on her or so it seemed one day when she was placing some flowers upon an old dresser she noticed a small recess she put her hands in and they she put her hand in a small wooden lever moved underneath her exploring fingers a panel the back of the dresser slid open and there was a dust-covered key she knew without any doubt that she had found the key to the locked doors now the chance for her curiosity wasn't to be satisfied she waited she waited she waited until finally our husband was called away on business he would not return the following day that night she dismissed her servants early she retired to a room and waited and when she was sure that the house was completely still with a smile of anticipation she took the key from her pocket and heydon't by the flickering lamp descended the darkness of the stairs down the corridor we tell her she last stood in front of that door she hadn't treated her for so long but beating heart she put the key into the door and a single hollow click it opened on the door slowly moved in there was nothing in the room that she could see except an inky blackness she took a step another step another step until she found herself in the center of the room she raised her lamp above her head and as she didn't the flame flickered and died she was engulfed in this darkness darkness so heavy so thick it was almost physical she screamed it was a scream of a woman totally terrified a scream of a woman who knew that she was about to be destroyed by her own curiosity a woman screaming because she had finally found out what was in that room and mingled with her own screams with another song sounds so obscene so primeval it defied definition she looked over a shoulder only to hear the door slowly closed knowing that whatever escape she had was cut off and as a door closed it not only cut off her escape it cut off her last fearful sobs what made her scream what evil was in that room what supernatural force made that door closed on a term I have no idea but if I ever find out I'll let you know [Applause] My dear screen I am near to death you have been a wonderful life mother take care of my son teach him to be honest and a worthy successor to my crown and as for you my love weep not I would not have this act now that I have the widow so I thought too young and beautiful to spend your life in widowhood morning me my dearest I give to you the key to your chastity [Laughter] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] never noticed if you compare animals to humans as far as females are concerned sex wears its ugly head what is what is normally complimentary to a male comes a total insult to a female for example if you sages you save a male he's a ram he's a will you actually think of great sexual prowess oh oh hi Lee complimentary but you you got the female of the species and you apply it to a female call him a woman cow nothing nice of you cow what have you say he said somebody he's a gay dog she's a why sneaky Fox you think of a fox he's clever sharp intelligent vixen mean crafty you can't even say a male person all a female person you actually say things like person sure person I mean sure puss we all know it's a female sitting on the chair but it suddenly becomes a chair person when I lad say femur and even when it actually comes to advertising for occupations you can't advertise a certain sex I actually saw an advert which says urgently wanted person to breastfeed just to show how stupid that ad was I applied for it I saw another one which says person of either sex wanted there's a sperm donor I applied for that one so I didn't get them one of them one of the main I suppose one of the main changes in today's society is our attitude to what is we would call the stereotype of the sexist or the role that the sex plays if you actually think back to your childhood it was we had very distinctive lines my mother was a great believer in a bubble recall sexual differences I would when I was 4 years of age I would walk with my mother down the street and my mother would say things like David walk on the outside I mean walk on the outside of me why mommy it leaves your sword arm free I don't have a sword no but in the days years ago when men did have swords some men might want to attack the female so the male would walk on the outside of the female so he could get any sword and fight that person see and that's why you walk on the outside I don't have a sword no but you protect mummy you protect male you're a male you are the stronger of the two males are the hunters the providers females stay at home and make a home on a nest and keep it warm for the great stop crying [Music] now if a bus were to come up on the pavement you would save the bus from hitting money my hands top of us no but the bus would hit you and stop before I got the mummy of yours uncle on the inside over the years over the years women women women are much more independent now and I'm very pleased with that but I'm much more aware of their their own sex they're not quite so prepared to play that subservient role to the hairy macho that existed I mean there was a time when when girls would wait for the initial advance from the male which generally came after the pubs had closed [Music] and in between technique colored yarns and belcher's her self or her body was subjected to a kind of groping fumbling attack if she if she said see there is actually what I would in a way there's a reversal a role reversal taking place women are much more as is a independent though much more prepared to go out and pick up somebody if they fancy some followed oh no they're not gonna sit on the other side of the room and wait for some kind of magical thing to happen well I was quite prepared to go across I'm on pick up the phone pass a compliment tell him he looks nice got nice clothes like your hair she might even actually give him a sudden grope so I've heard yeah nowadays much much more how much more direct about sex and what what sex is for them and quite rightly I mean women women will talk about orgasms to my right to have an orgasm I'm not your sexual plaything I I want I want you had it last night it's my turn tonight but the male now doesn't know how to react in this he was the hunter now he's the hunted he doesn't know what he can't do the foreplay he does know what to do with it she's talking about I want an orgasm because I won together do you think you might be able to manage that the mail he does know what to do he retreats basically males now are talking about are we gonna make love but you're just gonna lie that you suddenly go why I haven't taken any precautions he tries that I haven't taken any precaution she said that's all right I took the pill an hour ago you'll say things like you've never said before and she'll say I've got something to cure that there's a total turnabout now in male and female sexual relationships the male is actually faking the orgasm I'll do react it is under pressure like this and they'll just know what to do you get nervous and because of that you get tense you you start to think of anything else the whole thing about pleasurable sex is to do it in a totally relaxed and open state okay he's under attack come on he's nothing in the inside he's thinking it's good [Music] there comes up I hope it doesn't go down again oh don't go you don't have one of those premature I'm sorry darling this never happened before lovely thing of fantasy fantasy is introduced the female will actually say can't you think of anybody so it's a it's an escape for you you go no no - neither can i let's go back to sleep [Applause] kill all the women and rape all the men rape all the women and kill all the men you play your games we've never ever been able to ever make things meet every it's all your damn fault for not earning enough anyway they don't start don't you like me you wait Karen little men I've given you the best years of my life you've got no Drive no ambition that's all trouble anybody moves she gets it I can't stand that chap young upstart who lies have you insulted my Felicity that's mine really yes I actually have a good mind to challenge him to a duel I don't think that's a very good idea why not he's the greatest duelist in the world well I shall just have to make sure that's my expertise matches his here comes the blighter excuse me sir may I have a word with the uncertain is that three weeks ago you insulted my wife really very well sir my seconds will wait upon you swords at door [Music] you're still alive thank God that means the 8:45 hasn't left yet sambar I'll show you the city room first oh yes next door open what was that who's the door it's oh no no no didn't open on his own the whole place is uh it's the latest thing in domestic automation it Oh everything works on a voice command you don't believe me watch your butt door closed curtains closed lights on fire on oh no no no I say this is like my favorite television channel three argh cancel return that have speechless hey can I have a go yes don't open it curtains open lights off hey jerk like god that's amazing fire oh ha ha anything else every everything here cat Oh Oh [Music] one of the other things I loved as a child was going to the cinema but I actually feel the children today are missing a great deal because going to the cinema when I was chose Marvis it was a big event it was it was an adventure it was a moment nowadays I only believe children would be quite happy to stand in the foyer and just play those space invaders but when I went to the cinema they were totally involved in it sense of excitement the lights would go to harm every child in the cinema we'd all cheer the lights of just go there was a love scene the p800 kids go the machine broke down the projector broke though we didn't mall you have all the kids all walking around one word [Music] then when the lights came on again we all moaned because that meant that we had to return to the real world our escapism was gone I mean you could always tell whatever picture we'd seen by the way we all left the cinema I mean you knew there's a war picture we just walking by the cinema 600 kids coming uncle art Robin Hood I love The Invisible Man I'd be walking along the street my botched yes all those children leave weeping you know that lassie had cut his pad again it was much more value in those days as a child you you normally had a main feature but you had a second feature lots of cartoons and the trailers but all the exciting bits in it and not only that but it was exciting to go to the movie because you you had all the Dodgers you didn't just go up and give you money you didn't have the money so you poor Dodgers it'd be eight or nine of you and only one I'd have the money so you'd buy the ticket and then you'd go and as soon as the lights went down you dash across to the exit door open [Music] because the ushers were the closest thing to a kind of reincarnation of Hitler the other thing was always if you were in the cinema to pick up an old ticket and carry it with you because as soon as you broke in on that scatter movement and sat down you'd sit there and shoot as a bit of ticket money every come up they point towards you did you pay to get in here yes show me your ticket you go I used to good I used to go to the cinema in Dublin there's anybody from Dublin watching this show it was called the wrench it's on the keys in Dublin it's called it wasn't actually called the ranch it was called the Corinthian but there was so many cowboy pictures all the kids call it the wench gone down on the ranch [Music] and then we discovered there was a method here in the school lab getting I hate me and dipping it in silver nitrate made it look like a shilling one of your shillings this cashier at the ranch was very short-sighted so you take it give it a silver hey did she give you a tans change they'd have a full Houseman only take about three I actually I love them all I began to the pictures awful 30 33 years of my life and I have never ever actually seen anybody in the movies go to the lavatory I don't mean I actually want to see them go - I just want to know that they go I just love to hear somebody say excuse me I'm just going to love it do have you ever seen anybody in a movie good 11 sienten Defiant AHA - warmer Hubbell [Music] have you that was difficult maybe you take a movie like the 10 commandments there's Moses and 40,000 Jewish people and they walk from Egypt to the promised land I'm not not one person ever said to Moses excuse me Moses commanded by dark behind the hill and I'm across [Laughter] 55 days in heat - he can't 55 days in Peking they do everything they make love they kill they have babies they dance to eat but nobody doesn't nothing nobody ever says I'm just going to lavatory I'm not surprised the Chinese didn't want the place afterwards me you'd think with a movie like gone with the wind somebody would have died cowboy pictures how many times have you seen cowboy pictures the saloon have you ever just seen a sign that says lavatory gents and those Cowboys are eating beans and drinking beer all day they do that's why they're shooting off those guns all the time there's not only the people the animals you see all those horses time you ever looked at the ground there's nothing on it I live in the country I walk five medicine which everywhere putting those cowboy pictures all those horses tied up nothing get those great ranches bringing in thousands of cattle nothing I mean what how did he do it how did he stop it is it kind of three minutes before they start taking a movie they say all right put the quarks in I mean you see a stampede of Buffalo 20,000 Buffalo stampede II now why don't why do animal stampede there's a frightened and what happens to any living creature on this earth when he's frightened your anal nerve goes and yet when that dust clears 3,000 bubble oh there's not one turd on television is much more realistic I've been sitting here drinking that means that I will because there are some things that a man must do alone while I'm gone we'll show you our version of some of the great from classics [Music] I'll go home we check the rippers about [Music] nice oh hello ducky [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] the Ripper work done the Commissioner surely release dr. Jekyll all right Clara say you know now you're playing Mary Queen of Scots I'll take the cigarette out of your mouth you stupid broad alright you walk in here put your head on the ball yeah look into the lens last smile all right Paxman you raise your ACT slowly I will cure you all right sure yeah okay we're going for a take you know you ready Harry you okay roll on slate 14 take 107 action that's lovely head down all right excellent bring your acts up slowly nice and dramatically right to the top now all that I'd hold it at the top there cut good evening mr. president mrs. Lincoln hope you enjoy the show I'm sure we will good [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] - medicine 0uk smith koloski raleigh palmer guys okay alright just before we go a few words you all know how vitally important this mission is you also know that our chances are coming out of it alive zero but you six men have been chosen because your six men love to fight and I couldn't ask to have five better men than you for not only that your men are left to fight but if you believe in something as strongly as you three do give up your lives for makes me feel proud to stand here beside you - knowing that the pair of us will do a duty for God and country this mission is successful Hey [Music] [Applause] I've succeeded in perfecting the machine that will give me invisibility just think of it as the Invisible Man a whole new life will open up before me I can move from room to room without being seen nothing nothing will be hidden from me now to achieve my lifelong ambition [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] I Richard of Gloucester whom some do call a name with my own hand dispatched her husband the praise unto the grave and now she hates me but love is close to hate is it not and I with sweet words yay and with tears will prove to her that all was done for love and by such words will wipe away her mantra from I'll marry her and so to gain the crown each not by lips such scorn milady they were made for kissing not for such contentment the revengeful heart cannot forgive no here I've ended a sharp pointed sod but if thou please to hide in this progress and set forth a stone that a Dorothy I laid make it to the deadly stroke and humbly beg my death upon my knee you are not suppose you notice that nowadays whatever you do say or where somebody's trying to analyze psychologically what the whole hidden meaning or hidden messages behind it all scientists tell us that something like 35 percent of all communication is made in words the rest of it is made up in the way we dress the sounds that we make the hand gestures that we make and what we call body language for example we we're told that we we tell a great deal of about ourselves and our inner selves by the colors that we were for example people who wear yellow I'll basically depressed I'm there trying to brighten themselves up by wearing yellow imagine that I'll wear yellow and they know inwardly that yellow doesn't suit them so they become even more depressive they were before they put the other one I mean brown we are told if you wear brown you're you're insecure you're shy you need lots of confidence building grey we're told if we were great were we're wearing grey because we don't want people to know what we're really what we're really like it's a kind of nondescript color I'm wearing bright blue you wear blue you're your car I'm easy White's clean pure untouched virginal why do nuns wear black red red as far as women are concerned is sexually aggressive that's what they're actually saying they come into a room and they're actually saying this is my body it's mine and I'm proud of it and it does wonderful things look at it that's going to take yours and gobble it up in a moment and then a week she's wearing black saying he couldn't take it [Music] we're told it red red black and white extremely aggressive I'm wearing bright white grey wearing blue calm my virgin slightly aggressive I don't know what I'm mourning but I think I know there's also when we talk about communication there's there's the body language it's become now in a sense a science people actually believe in what the body language there's all sorts of gestures messages we send through through our body with we'll be sitting very still but our body is sending all sorts of messages for example if I do do things like this that means I'm pleased with myself how do I get to folding the arms folding the arms is in a sense telling you or other people to back off I don't really want contact with you this is my territory stay out okay I'm building barriers so push off this the legs I do that unguarded the genitalia I really don't want anything to do with you whatsoever okay and if I do this as well I'm really telling you push shop I'm not gonna screw me open hands we do things I don't know listen to me please now listen to me I'm being totally honest but open house open justice well see what your legs open see it means that you're sexually available all the ladies in the front row of gone that's what it's saying honestly I'm sexually available I want you when you do things like when you're sitting in the chair on your legs up and you're you just kind of kind of pointed with your foot you're inadvertently sending out messages to the person that you'd like like to have sex with sexually available not the cameraman I'm not talking there's also there's all sorts of Sun I mean when you actually think of us of gestures aggressive gestures have you ever noticed it there's no aggressive gestures that are down there all up somebody behind you in the car now the window will go then in fact I mean there are things we're not supposed to do natural your body behaves in a natural way you're me for example come in New York New York what actually happens is your body is taking in more oxygen somebody somewhere along the line has applied what they would call rings good manners you never yawn you [Music] don't do that don't do stop that cover your mouth up so anyway you have a yawn you're in you want to go you go Joe put in your own house in the previous of your house when you when you actually wake up in the morning don't you yawn and that's beautiful you don't sit in bed when you wake up in the morning [Music] [Music] oh say much scratching you get a scratch you can achieve it scratch don't you in your own household your scratch good that's lovely oh it's great scratch the warm mom said oh it's body contact as Wallace you you actually get other members of your family to scratch you Scott Scott's cuts there oh don't cover your mouth you're properly she's sharing another you know when you talk much you actually get members at you don't you you ever going to scratch their their just on Donna Donna Oh Oh over over over and yet in public we're not allowed to scratch we're not allowed to contact our bodies now find yourself going to talk to your bank manager trying to borrow money in the middle of this discussion about rates interests little itch you won't go excuse me I have an itch I'm about to scratch it all right it's nothing filthy or dirty or to have an itch and that would be it finished you don't do that you sit there Mitch begins to spread your hand in your pocket [Applause] you'll at the same time it looks like you're having a fit your signal [Applause] I think Excel actually looks like we've come to the end of the show but I have one last item and the Avenue leading up from the banks of the River Avon or was a completed stage 2 now stage 3 a circa 1500 BC the blue stones were taken down the site was leveled and the great sarsen stones we still see were brought from the Marlborough downs and erected as we see them today after having been in an outer circle at with lintels and an in horse shoe composed of five pairs of uprights with lintels was erected and the entrance was agoing modified well there you have it thanks for watching I hope you enjoyed it good night and may your God go with you [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause]

Channel: jasethehoo

Views: 2,034,463

Keywords: dave allen, comedy

Id: BqbEMmI78HY

Length: 96min 20sec (5780 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 31 2018