Daughter Told Me I Abandoned Her When My Husband Got Sick & I Have Deprived Her Of Healthy Childhood

my daughter 19 is going through a tough time on top of the obvious difficulties of the global situation she has been struggling with depression her classes are all online so she lives with us my husband and i are both working from home so we're very involved with her day to day we do our best to engage her family walks game night cooking together but she's still feeling pretty down she sees the therapist online and i'm not privy to how that is going in the last couple of days she's been displaying a lot of resentment over her childhood i'm specifically talking ages about five ago during those years her father my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer and was going through aggressive chemo he has recovered enough to live a normal life i won't lie those were very tough years for our family my daughter is an only child and was used to our full attention and engagement it was a hard transition for her to have her father not be able to take care of her like he used to and myself having to split my time between her and my husband with a lot of support from our family and we were able to maintain her lifestyle with their help she didn't have to quit any teams she never missed school i do acknowledge that emotionally there was damage so we did family therapy for a year yesterday she was in a bad mood during dinner i asked her what was going on and she went into this explosive rant about how many issues she developed due to us apparently we are responsible for her grade slipping relationships failing her weight gain etc she tied it all back to her missing crucial development during the years where her father had cancer at one point she says something like has it ever occurred to you that maybe you should apologize you basically deprived me of a childhood my husband says i'm sorry honey i could have done better and i could have done more for you i shut that down and told her no you're not going to guilt your father into apologizing for having cancer this is unacceptable you need to accept that life is not fair and there's very little we can do about it go to your room and calm yourself down she told me to go screw myself and went to her room my husband and i have been arguing about how this was handled he thinks that an apology is not big deal and he was hurt by what she said but that he could take it i think that she's looking for someone to blame for her current unhappiness and that we as her parents are easy targets i also know that my husband already feels a great deal of guilt for putting our family through so much turmoil i love my daughter and want her to be happy at the same time i do believe she's at an age where she needs to take on personal accountability am i the idiot here long story short daughter tried to guilt husband into apologizing for having cancer you are not the idiot your daughter needs to learn to take responsibility for her own crap instead of blaming others especially when it's something out of everyone's control and the fact that she's so entitled at 19 that she thinks she's owed an apology for her dad fighting for his life against cancer is a really bad sign for how she will handle adult problems point out to your husband that letting your daughter think that the world owes her will mess her up in the real world so learning to accept that things happen and no one owes her anything all when it does is an important lesson that she needs to learn she should look into more therapy this opie this your daughter's entitlement is what has set her up for failure she's gonna have a rude awakening when she realizes she won't always have her parents to blame you are not the idiot i'm glad you shut that crap down before your daughter made your husband feel any more unnecessary guilt for well getting sick and had to fight for his life so he could still be alive she's an adult she's old enough to realize how serious cancer is she should be thankful her dad is recovered and he's still in her life instead she's grasping straws at the one bad moment and somehow making it about her my daughter let's call her thea had a birthday last saturday and due to the global situation we couldn't really celebrate it i asked her a few days before there was something special she wanted to do and she said no on the day of her birthday i asked her if she wanted me to order cake and she refused that too she's introverted and doesn't like making a big deal of things so i let it be she spent most of her day talking to her friends on calls and i cooked a nice dinner for her and my son my wife is usually the one who organizes birthdays and stuff but she's been living with her mother for the past few days due to some health issues on most birthdays my wife is also met with the i want nothing by my daughter but she does stuff anyways she usually bakes a cake buy some gifts and cooks all her favorite foods the next day on a call she asked what i did for thea's birthday and when i told her my daughter didn't want a celebration she blew up on me according to her my daughter is too shy to ask for things and doesn't like asking people to make a fuss about her birthday she was very angry that i didn't even buy cake even after i repeatedly told her thea said she didn't want cake according to her these are things that should be done without asking i'd like to mention that my wife coddles my children a lot i thought that was the end of the conversation later in the evening my brother-in-law showed up with cake and gifts for thea my wife probably asked him to do so but he's very close to the kids so i didn't think much of it but then he jokingly said to me what kind of father doesn't buy cake for his kid's birthday i told him the same thing again and he said that having your birthday during the global situation was horrible enough and i should have just bought some cake i agree it is but she said she didn't want it it's been annoying me a lot i hate how both my wife and brother-in-law keep implying that i don't know what my own kid wants i just want to know am i really the idiot i just did what my daughter asked you are the idiot the reasonable question is what kind of cake do you want not do you want to cake my dad did this stuff to me i also refused not because i didn't want a cake but because he made me feel like a burden it's your kid's birthday and your wife is correct some things don't need to be asked it sounds like you didn't get her a gift either did you just leave that out or did you really do literally nothing for your child's birthday he asked her on the day of her birthday if she wanted cake if that doesn't scream i couldn't be bothered ordering a cake and i'm just asking out of politeness i don't know what does who waits until the actual day of the birthday to start thinking about ordering the cake my great-grandmother was an exceptional embroiderer she would cover massive canvases she never taught me i taught myself later in life but i loved seeing her work when we went to her house she died when i was very young a few years ago my grandmother gave her family one of her final pieces for christmas it's been hanging in the stairway ever since last year my father started dating this horribly toxic woman who in six months had destroyed my dad's relationships with all of his children and grandchildren in march he abandoned the family home to my brother and i we've been paying the mortgage and then rent the last few years long story to try and help him keep it we've been working all summer to clean it out before we move out in two weeks i figured i'd take the picture i embroidered too it's been kinda special to me but two nights ago my father shows up at the house saying he wants to give it to his girlfriend because he thinks it goes with the decor at her cabin i said i wanted it and he said no it was his to do with what he wanted with it he left it here though would i be the idiot for taking it anyway it's my family too and the piece means something to me he just thinks it would look nice in the girlfriend's cabin i know my dad will be annoyed if it disappears and i have places to keep it till i move but do i have a right to take it or am i just being petty you are not wrong your grandmother gave it to your family not to your father alone i'd say that this gives you your father and your brother equal say over what happens to it this means that you and your brother get to outvote your father if you do not want a family heirloom to be offered up as a trinket to somebody who never met your grandmother actually given that your dad abandoned the family home leaving the embroidery behind i would argue that he forfeited any right to say on its fate ask yourself what your grandmother would say if she was here would she want you to have it or your father's fiance i married my wife elise 12 years ago she's an early adult daughter anna from her previous relationship and we have a little son as well from pretty much the beginning of our relationship anna and i have never gotten along i don't know how to emphasize that it's not because of lack of trying she just doesn't like me when she was young she was just scared of me and afraid i'd tear their family apart nowadays it's more of a neutral dislike rather than a strong antipathy so i suppose that's progress elise is a stay-at-home mother so she relies on me for income as a result i pay for everything for anna food clothes volleyball trips field trips i take an interest in her hobbies i go to her games i'm not saying i'm perfect but i try my hardest to be the stepfather i can but it's so hard always giving me curt one word responses always having to have an attitude she does things to get a rise out of me staying out late raking of booze always trying to sneak boys and typical rebellious stuff but i always let her know i love her and i'm there for her in hopes of her rebellious puberty phase pasts the opposite is true for her biological father she adores him can't tell you why he never goes to her games always makes excuses for why he doesn't want to see her he forgot her birthday last month and she cried herself to sleep well anyways friday i came to her room to check her phone and read her messages not a permanent thing but she's been caught sneaking out twice in the last month so this is her punishment i ask for the phone she says no i'm tired of you checking my stuff leave me alone i told her i'm not asking again and she goes just buzz off already you're not my real dad you never have been stop acting like you can tell me what to do before getting up and slamming the door like i said guys i'm tired tired of the blatant disrespect of being the verbal punching bag while still providing more for her than anyone else in her family we haven't really talked since until this morning during breakfast she asked if i could pay for her plane tickets so she could see her boyfriend cross state like i said her mom doesn't work and her dad is a pos so normally i would be the one to cough up the money not this time i responded go ask your real dad i could tell she was hurt tears swelled up from her face and she excused herself from the table my wife took me aside later and said my comment was extremely disrespectful i said if anything's disrespectful it's her treating me like a doormat and a credit card and i will no longer tolerate this treatment in my house i told her we don't have to be friends but if she can't at least be cordial to me or respect my position as an authority figure she can find someone else to pay for her non-essentials am i the idiot not the idiot but you barely mentioned your wife her mother why is she not handling this with her daughter you've been in her daughter's life since she was four as stepdad and your wife has continued to let this fester she's continued to let her daughter disrespect you and continue to mislead her daughter about her father's true character this is all kinds of wrong not the idiot maybe your daughter can have a first-hand look at how much words can hurt i think you should go to her apologize never mind the fact she doesn't deserve it you're the adult be the bigger person and set firm fair and strict rules about behavior going forward tell her what you told us that you don't have to be friends but you need her to respect your authority and at least be cordial to each other maybe ask her why she doesn't like you if there's anything you can do to support her better and most importantly remind her that you love her and will be there for her girls her age are hard man keep trying a decade from now she'll be grateful that you chose the high road when my daughter kaio was young we learned that i wasn't her birth father my ex-wife had cheated on me with another man back then and then recontinued her affair with him we only learned about it because she was pregnant with that same man's child my wife and her affair partner knew at the time of kaya's birth that i wasn't her father but decided that the best solution was for the affair partner to leave the country and for her to pretend that she was happy with me it was so completely cruel i was completely blindsided because i'd never thought my ex-wife would ever do this to me she claimed she had loved us both before but then she started loving him more we got divorced the divorce was hard on kaya she was unable to connect with her bio dad and she's never gotten along with her mom when she was a bit older she contacted me crying and begged me to let her come home she felt neglected by her mom and her birth father who doted on her baby brother as she was forced to give up a lot of after-school activities because her birth father lost his job and she had to babysit and cut down expenses from activities i let her come home and re-enrolled her back to the school she was going to her parents didn't really care because my ex-wife was pregnant with her third kia and her parents didn't really keep in touch after a year or two of moving out i had no say in this kaya is now 21 and a very smart outstanding member of society she graduated from mit this spring and already has a six-figure job she's getting married in two months to one of her classmates she's glad that the global issue gave her an excuse for a small wedding and we're just having the ceremony at home her mother called me the other day first time in years she was upset and demanded why we didn't tell her about the wedding beforehand so she could have prepared kaya didn't invite her parents but her fiance made a facebook post and i guess that's how she found out i bluntly told her that she's not invited and she broke down i also told her that i'll be walking kaya down the aisle she started yelling at me that i have no right over kaya and that she's only living with me because of the familiarity of home and that i was just a piggy bank for college now her mother sending his gifts with cheesy quotes like home is where the heart is and a father is a girl's greatest gift and more her father sent her a long letter explaining how leaving her when she was a baby is the hardest thing that he had to do my ex-mother-in-law called and said that i shouldn't hold grudges over kaya's father and that i'm depriving him of the blessing of fatherhood because i'm petty you are not wrong it's kaia's wedding and she can have it in whatever fashion she wants you aren't responsible for her relationship with her mother and birth father i'm a strong believer that blood doesn't necessarily make someone family the best families often are not blood related block the calls emails and block facebook my wife and i have been married almost nine months we tied the knot last december we came into the relationship both wanting children however we had mutually discussed and agreed to wait until we owned a home i finished school and we had our finances in order more to start trying the entirety of our relationship she's been on the pill as her preferred method of birth control my wife is out having dinner with her parents tonight and while i'm hanging out at the house with some friends she had ordered groceries to be delivered earlier today and when they arrived i of course started to put things away one of the items she purchased was a pregnancy test which was such a shock that i literally felt my stomach drop when i saw it immediately i called her and asked why on earth she ordered a pregnancy test turns out about a month ago she decided to stop taking her pill because she thought we were ready for children i asked why she wouldn't get my input on something so huge and she replied that she wanted to surprise me i told her that there are literally a hundred different surprises that i would prefer currently told her i'd see her later and ended the call her period is due later this week so unless she plans on taking it early we won't know if she's pregnant for a few days i'm livid we're not in the position to become parents currently i certainly don't want to be bringing a newborn into the world during such a time i don't know if it's justified considering we're married and both eventually want children but i feel absolutely betrayed that she would make a decision like this behind my back we had even agreed that if somehow we got pregnant while she was on the pill that we wouldn't go through with the pregnancy i know she'll be coming home soon and honestly i don't even want to look at her right now or know what to say am i right to be upset about this what should i do i'm currently working a full-time job while pursuing my master's i literally do not have the time to be a suitable parent edit she just texted me i'm so sorry that you're reacting this way you've seemed really unhappy lately and i thought you would consider this good news uh any apology that starts with i'm sorry you're is not an apology starting a family is a decision you make together not something you trick your partner with you're justified in feeling betrayed because you were betrayed i can't imagine doing this to my husband i don't have any advice for you but have a conversation and then really think about if you'll be able to trust her again you shouldn't have been tricked into a life decision this huge and i'm having trouble understanding how any sensible person wouldn't see this as a deception it is certainly not a fun surprise my late wife passed away three years ago i've been married to my current wife for six months now my son disrespects my wife and would always hurt her with his words i tried to get him to get used to his new life but he always says he can't wait to leave my son has always wanted to go to college he's aiming to go study at his favorite which is out of the state he wants to be a doctor it's his dream his mom passed away from cancer and he said he wants to be a doctor do research to help people with this type of disease i thought that this shows the good side of him and how empathetic he can be i just don't get why he doesn't get along with his stepmom she's always nice to him and her feelings were hurt when he yelled at her for cleaning up his room this morning i told him that if he doesn't start treating my wife with respect then i won't save up any money for his college and would just send him to a tuition-free community college he got mad at me told him i was trying to buy him with my money and that i was being a horrible idiot he brought up his friends and how lucky they were to have good dads i cut the conversation and told him to go to his room he started crying and said that i care about what my wife wants more than him i was just trying to give him consequences for his behavior but it just got worse he doesn't want to talk to me anymore you are the idiot it's not nice for the woman you've been married to for six months to clean your son's room that's incredibly invasive what were you thinking if this is your best example of your son disrespecting your wife you need a wake-up call you have a kid who wants to be a doctor is still mourning his mother and mid puberty your new wife is invading his privacy so your reaction is financial blackmail he's not a kid and you haven't even started saving for his college yet sounds like your threat of not paying for his college tuition is a hollow one little chance you'll actually come up with this money in a few years time sounds more like your wife died and instead of making sure your son was okay you took care of yourself and even married someone your son didn't like without first putting in the work to try to build bonds between them now you're trying to control an angry hurt grieving boy with an empty threat you are so wrong you

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Id: itY8rxTeNhg

Length: 19min 59sec (1199 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 01 2021