Are you dating the same person over and over again? Personality and how it influences who you love.

hi it's dr fox licensed psychologist in  state of texas an expert in the area of   personality disorders and in this video  we're going to talk about being attracted   to that same personality type right  perhaps you've had this experience   that you know you're the one type of person you  see all of these personality traits and things   like that and then you're like i don't like those  personality traits and then so and you don't it   doesn't work out so then you end up breaking up  then you go out with someone else and when you   go out with that someone else then you're like hey  wait this person has these same personality traits   right over and over and over again so you you  keep dating in essence that same type of person   you keep having relationships with that same type  of person well why is that well that's what we're   going to explore in this video okay so please like  share and subscribe and let's get started okay so   you know we've all kind of had that right why are  we gravitating to these same personality types   what is it about these individuals that kind of  draws us in right that we are initially attracted   to and it's not even something conscious right  it's something that you sort of feel you feel   connected to this person so you go into a a bar  let's say right if people still go to bars let's   say covert things over right and you're able to  go into a bar and then right so there's three   different people first person you know sort of  something second person you're like oh they're   kind of cool but nothing then the third person you  kind of like hey really attracted him or her what   is it about that there's actually an attraction to  the personality types and the expression of those   different personality types and what happens is  that we all have these different personality types   that we're attracted to that we're comfortable  with now understand that comfortable doesn't mean   cozy it's not like comfortable good it just means  what we're used to that comfortability is what   we're used to so we gravitate to what we're what  we're used to what we understand to be common   okay to understand what we feel like we match  with and i think the best way to look at this   is to imagine right that it is christmas morning  right whether you celebrate it or not right just   roll with me with this example right so it's  christmas morning right you go downstairs you get   all these different packages and all the different  packages have different wrappings right they have   different wrapping paper different bows different  tags whatever it is right they all different sizes   things like that but you open up the first  package right maybe it's a shiny wrapper and   it's the same gift inside right then you go to the  next one because it's shaped a little differently   right maybe it's a little bigger it's a little  smaller you know whatever it is so you unwrap it   same gift inside then right you go to the next  and that next one right maybe that one is a little   awkwardly shaped you know there's something about  it you're not quite sure you unwrap it same gift   inside and that's what we're talking about we're  talking about that attraction that connection   and it has to do somewhat with attachment  which i've done other videos on secure and   insecure relationships and other attachment  issues but this is specifically what is it   about those personality components that kind of  draws us what is it that we feel connected to   as they relate to those different personality  patterns and if they're not positive can you   do anything about it well you actually can  right so let's let's go a little bit more   in into this so what happens is we actually  end up connecting with those that reflect   our sense of value and what that means is so  if you don't really feel good about yourself   i think that there's a tendency to gravitate  towards those who aren't very nice who aren't   very kind to you now initially that everybody you  know presumably is nice you know that's one of   those initial attractors but once we sort of take  away the layers we take the mask off you start to   see that those are those personality components  those are the components that attracted you   and you were able to kind of sniff it out right  you can't actually smell it right you know what i   mean but you're attracted to it there's something  there and it's that it reflects your sense   of value and what happens with a lot of folks  along the bpd spectrum or even other personality   disorders or personality types you don't even  have to have a disorder all of us do this we're   all attracted to particular personality types and  what happens is is that we get indicators of that   small indicators of those personality types and  sometimes they're off-handed comments sometimes   they're backhanded comments sometimes they're  deriding comments whatever they are and you   end up sort of connecting to that first okay this  person and that's where that connection is because   they're tapping into your sense of worth and  value that connects to your personality to your   view of self and when that happens that's that  attraction that's that initial attraction and   if if you don't do any work on it which we're  going to talk about that in just a second about   how to do it differently is that you end up over  and over and over dating the same type of person   that has these personality traits you end up  right christmas morning or getting a gift it's   always the same gift inside the wrapping looks a  little different but it's the same gift inside and   that is the thing that i think a lot of folks  struggle with like why am i always dating the   same type of person why are they always this  why are they always that why are they always   narcissistic why are they always neglectful why  are they always you know angry whatever it may be   and it's because of those initial indicators  but you can do it differently so i work with   a lot of my clients once we get to a point where  we talk about like relationships meeting people   and how that reflects our sense of self we work on  this and how do we do it well i'm gonna tell you   now okay so the first thing we do is you have  to recognize and be honest with yourself the   type that you're attracted to what is it so think  back right about your longest term relationships   okay and what were those similarity components  right what were those personality components   that were consistent across all the folks that you  dated and take out a piece of paper and a pen or   put it in your phone or wherever you want but  write it out okay so similar personality traits   and that could be they were outgoing that could  be that they were anxious that could be that they   were nervous that could be that they had anger  issues that could be that they were very kind that   whatever it is write them out it doesn't  always write out the negative because we   want to find the positive 2. we want to build  your awareness particularly into those negatives   but then okay so you're going to make your list  you make your list of of those personality traits   that you see most common in those that you've  dated for a long period of time then what i want   you to do is think about what personality traits  do you want in a partner right a lot of people say   well i want someone who's patient i want someone  who's kind i want someone who's cool like dr fox   that once but ah just i was just kidding but but  you could write that down but so what whatever you   you write out so you write out those personality  traits okay then what i want you to do is write   how would it be exhibited like how would you  notice if somebody let's say is patient okay   now patience right you could say that when  someone makes a mistake they don't get upset when   when you or someone else is running late right  they don't seem to get frustrated they seem to be   able to wait in different circumstances right and  that is that indicator because we want to learn   what what are the components that we we are going  to be attracted to now understand there's going   to be a little bit of dissonance there because  you also have to work on yourself too you also   have to confront a lot of that inconsistency  and that concern with those underlying issues   that maybe you don't feel like you deserve  someone who's patient maybe you don't feel like   that you deserve someone who's kind that you that  you deserve to be treated well that you deserve to   have someone who apologizes for wronging you  or somebody who actually avoids wronging you   disrespecting you and sarcasm counts  for this too sarcasm is is an odd way   of abusing someone else right it sounds funny  and you and it can be written off as a joke   but it's actually very hurtful so sarcasm that  may be something that you would want to avoid   people that are really sarcastic that doesn't mean  you can't take a joke right but that means that   there's certain areas that are not funny right if  you have areas of concern or things that you're   maybe not comfortable with but things with  the way you look or the way you carry yourself   or the job you have whatever it is and that  person makes sarcastic comments about that   that hurts you right and you don't deserve that so  it's about recognizing that you don't deserve that   and being true to yourself saying if someone  says that to you that you then have to establish   that boundary where that's inappropriate i'm not  going to be with someone who treats me like that   who uses sarcasm to get a to get away with abusing  me and if they do say oh it's just a joke then you   have to explain to them but it's not a joke to me  and it's hurtful to me and if they keep doing it   that isn't impinging on your boundary and that's  when you push back and say well you know i wish   you all the best beat it right and so there's  some other things that that you can do as well   and the last component to work on is that you want  to work on your worth you want to work on yourself   you want to work on what are the things  inside of you right that you feel are   your challenging personality traits maybe it's  low patients maybe if if we look at the five   the five factor model right so that's openness  to experience how open are you to new experiences   to trying new things if you are going to date  different people you're going to need to move up   on that openness to experience to try dating new  people initially you may be like oh they're bored   they're boring you know that that you got to be  careful of that we could do a whole video just on   that because what that means is that you could  be equating passion with violence passion with   anxiety and upheaval in the relationship that's  not what what passion really is that's not what   healthy passion is and then so going back  to our five factor model and then we say   conscientiousness so conscientiousness is a nice  thing right so i like it in a lot of people that i   work with that means that they're consistent that  means that they worry about getting things done   following through on tasks we want that and what  about e the next one is extroversion right how   outgoing are you know what's one perhaps you're  not comfortable with somebody who's super outgoing   the life of the party you prefer somebody who's a  little more introverted somebody who doesn't need   to get energized with a with a large group of  folks by the way being introverted is not a   negative that's not a personality disorder that's  just what you're comfortable with i think it's   important to to remember that as well and then  there is agreeableness so how agreeable are they   right so if plans change are those individuals  able to sort of pivot when necessary right when   those plans change they get upset do they get  frustrated do they use sarcasm right are they   mean to you are they frustrating do they get angry  and throw a tantrum right adults throw tantrums   we know that okay so how agreeable are they and  then that last one so what about neuroticism so   how anxious and neurotic are they right all of us  have a degree of anxiety and to a certain degree   anxiety is a good thing it helps us move forward  and helps us challenge things that that we might   be afraid of but when we talk about neuroticism  we're talking about a really sort of negative   really adversely impacting sense of anxiety  that really can cause problems and if you mix   sort of uh low frustration tolerance and anxiety  and neuroticism together you can end up not always   but you can end up with somebody that has really  poor behavioral control which means that they   could act violently towards you and that's one  of the things right are you worth more than that   and you have to challenge that to yourself and  using those different components so look at   the components in your partner look at those  personality components what do you want what   are the personality components you're seeing most  common in those that you've dated okay and which   ones do you like which ones don't you then what  about yourself right it's always important that we   look back at ourselves what are those personality  components in us okay that we want to look at that   we want to change that we want to focus on and  you have to keep trying to try them every day   throughout the day and they will become a habit  but you have to unlearn those old negative habits   to start learning new better adaptive habits but  you totally can do it it is completely possible to   change the relationships that you're in to build  your sense of attraction to people that are more   healthy or healthier how's that healthier for you  you can totally do it it is completely possible   absolutely possible i've done it working with  with my clients for a really really long time   and some people are able to grasp onto it quicker  than others and that's okay your pace is your pace   your face doesn't have to be my client space or  anybody else's so i hope you found this helpful   please like share and subscribe and thank you  very much i wish you all the best take care bye

Channel: Dr. Daniel Fox

Views: 25,842

Keywords: Are you dating the same person over and over again, Personality and how it influences who you love., dating advice in your 20s, 16 personality type dating, dating advice, relationship advice, dr fox, dr fox personality, npd relationship, dating, dating personality type, relationship, online dating, mental health awareness, love relationship tiktok, bpd treatment, toxic relationship, attraction to same guy, relationship anxiety, online dating be like, bpd dating another bpd

Id: hQeMDY1VaCA

Length: 13min 22sec (802 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 09 2021