Dating is Trash! | Opey Olagbaju | Stand Up Comedy

it's good to be here a little bit about me I'm single it's my fault I'll admit it you know I'm emotion available I'm a bad Communicator I got an Android phone apparently that's bad or something anyone else here got an Android just me yeah you got Android dog we the most discriminated group in America if you have an iPhone you're racist and you know it Prejudice pieces of dog y'all just freaked the out every time I go into group chat y'all act like we're trying to integrate an all-white School no like all because of the color of our text that's literally discrimination like I get discriminated more for having an Android or for being black it's true it's true if I got shot by the cops because I thought my phone was a gun you would be upset but if you found out it was an Android you'd be like well I'm not gonna March for that guy I hate people with iPhones I do I hate you I hate y'all y'all walk around with this honor confidence like you're airpods ain't dirty your airpods are dirty clean your airpods clean your ears that's why you can't hear Taylor Swift right you know people are Androids we don't got airpods we got raycons headphones made by Ray J Brandy brother you know anytime you put in the headphones a little bit of the sex tape place it's awesome you your phone breaks you take it to a genius a genius that works at the mall he is not no genius he takes his lunch breaks at Cinnabon you're like hey Einstein can you fix my phone but I get it you know I get it having an iPhone that's just a lifestyle you know it comes with all these goddamn perks but having an Android that's just a personality and that personality is you that's what that personality is because here's the real I don't even like my phone now what I love about my phone is how much it pisses you off that's what I love I love that little bit of inconvenience she brings your whole life just to talk to me yeah you want to send me a high quality photo you better email that you want to FaceTime me you want to FaceTime me download WhatsApp you thirsty go ahead go ahead send me that voice note I'm not gonna get it for three days and when I do I'm gonna respond back with a dry ass LOL period lower case just to let you know I didn't think that was funny goddamn chocolate date but I'm single you know my friend's like you're single cause you're a nice guy and I'm not I'm not even nice I hate that label you know because always that's that dumb saying that nice guys finish last I hate that Shang you know so you're telling me a nice guys never pulled out a chair and gotten a kiss a nice guy's never held the door open and gotten a girl's number nice guys never walked the old lady across the street and then that old lady no nice guys never giving it to an old lady so good so good and when she orgasms she just disintegrate into a pile of dust it's like what's good grandma you trying to get cremated or what if I get in that wheel boy dog dating in La is so trash now it's so trash out here every girl's a witch what the happened you know what I'm talking about y'all into those Moon circles and crystals and what the happened after the pandemic y'all got together and binge watched Charmed what the you all know you're Matilda now for some reason I've been on dates with actual witches yeah I was on a date with this girl she casually dropped she was a witch she was like I'm a vegan witch deal breaker I was like it is [Applause] I'm not dating no witch how am I gonna explain this to my like hey y'all this is Tituba uh she is sorcerer Supreme I don't know it's so awkward yo which what as a guy I couldn't do that you know as a guy I couldn't show up on a day but what's up girl I'm a wizard you gonna take that guy huh you're gonna let that guy Alakazam in your mouth you know I hope it's focus on your I don't think so no matter how nice his cloak is and it's even more Awkward for me too because I'm from Africa I'm from Nigeria I know real witches yeah I ain't gonna hold you I got aunties who practice Juju I got uncles who are Bob allow us when I heard girls talk that Wishy I'm like you ain't no witch you don't do what we do you're not gang you've never killed a goat you never slid a ghost through it and drank his blood and I know you haven't because that's not vegan okay I am African that's why I like certain American things don't make no sense to me like Ghostbusters like I saw a Ghostbusters as a younger and I was like that's not how you get rid of a ghost Who you gonna call not them nourishment call my uncle tunde he gonna bring over a chicken but that gonna leave a mess I'm from Africa but I grew up right outside of Washington DC I grew up around a lot of Street dudes you know I gotta love a hate I have a love hate relationship or Street dudes because the street dude taught me how to ride my bike but then he stole it for me right after I knew this his name was Jerome I knew him well I knew his favorite flavor Gatorade it was Hennessy that's how well I knew this man's you know I tried to be a street dude I know that's hard to imagine because I look like I make those Lo-Fi hip-hop beats to study too but thank you I did man I tried real hard to be a street dude until one time I went to this party in Baltimore and they straightened me the out I went to this party this huge fight broke out and I did all the street through moves you know I beat my chest caught the dude in front of me a before I could throw one punch this girl got in between it she said uh-oh you can't fight him and I was like why can't I fight him and she said cuz it's real and you ain't a real yeah and then I started to cry thought with tears coming down my eyes I was like but I am a real and all her came up to me was like you should go home go on go home and do some nerdy like I don't know practice your xylophone or like repoetry the hamster and I was actually the Glockenspiel I'm second chair percussion he's like yeah a little do that and I did man I went home went home and did some nerdy shot I went home and watched some anime that's what I did anyone here with anime y'all know what anime is it's Japanese cartoons and yeah man I don't know if you know this black dudes we love anime we do we love it so much we love like Dragon Ball Z and like we love it so much we're starting that like we invented that like we going through the Goku what white people did to Jesus like we're going to arrive to Japanese people like yo go cool now say something there anime has to have in a moment right now because you know back in the day you couldn't talk about anime because everyone assumed you like hentai and and if you don't know what hentai is you line you line piece of why are you flying you know damn well what had Ty is yeah yeah yeah I watch hentai yeah I watch hands I jerk off the cartoons y'all watch real people gross y'all watch real people what the is your problem you watch a with a social security number give head to a who has student loan debt you're the loser not me I'm watching a Pokemon and a Digimon on a train on Sailor Moon that's what I want you ever see Pikachu come you ever see that yeah but I am single though I'm trying to date still too it's hard out here you know I'm I'm doing some interracial dating you know it's tough I don't know if you know this black man we're the most likely to date outside our race I know if you know there's black women are the most likely to tell you that fact I don't know in the right they're right which is why I chilled out on white girls because y'all be troubled are we saying wow in the bedroom like recently I was hooking up with this Romanian chick or it's like to call off-white he was having sex it was going cool you know I pulled out came on her stomach and then she looked down on my comment she was like huh I thought it'd be darker I swear to god dog I swear to God and as you saw my reaction she said don't tell anyone I said that and I was like I'm gonna tell everybody black juice come black like this whole time I was giving you calamari dick this whole time like I just went Keystone Pipeline on your tummy I was mad I was mad as when I was driving home and I was like wait hold up why don't I come black you know what I mean you ever think about that I'm asking you I'm afraid to Google that I feel like if I did the first result would be from the most military Hotel dude being like Oh you ready for the truth now brother while you out here coming like the wife [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Don't Tell Comedy

Views: 2,100,971

Keywords: stand up comedy, stand up, dont tell comedy, standup comedy, stand up comedian, don't tell comedy, best stand up, comedy specials, best stand up comedy, jokes, funny comedy specials, best comedy specials, comedy videos, trending comedy, trending, funny clips, stand-up comedy, opeyemi, opeyemi olagbaju, opey comedian, opey comedy, imessage, android

Id: DuPZXt6vaUw

Length: 10min 9sec (609 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 15 2023