I recently listened to Crucial
Conversations on audio and honestly I did not expect that much out of it I
thought it would be this short behavior based communication skill book and
instead I found it full of depth on how to improve difficult conversations. In
this summary I'm going to share the essence of how Crucial Conversations
teaches you to have good dialogue by making it safe to talk about anything,
and I'm gonna share the five most important things I learned from Crucial
Conversations. Now like I said I didn't
expect much out of this book I thought it would be another skills based approach that teaches the right words to
say to basically manipulate others into doing what you want. But in the long run
that approach I don't believe is very effective. So I went into this book not
really expecting much of it and instead I found a depth of theory that from my
therapy perspective was half way between Sue Johnson's emotion focused
therapy and John Gottman's approach which include things like seven
principles for making marriage work and the four horsemen and etc. So from my
totally therapy centered approach I saw this book is all about creating safety
so that problems could be solved. Because this book goes deeper than behavior I
think it offers real solutions to improving relationships and managing
intensely emotional conversations. So let's jump in to some of the essential
skills. So the first one is remember your goal.
So this first skill is to continually remind yourself of your goal which is to
share a conversation and to solve a problem and not allow yourself to get
sidetracked by switching goals. So a lot of times we get caught up in contention
like needing to be right needing to win needing to punish others needing to be
justified. So instead this book encourages you to keep in mind the
question what do I want for myself and for others and for the relationship. So
for example when having a discussion with a teenager about curfew instead of
getting locked up in what time they have to be
home continually remind yourself and them that what you really want is for them to
be safe and for you to be able to trust them to be responsible. They also want to
be trusted and seen as responsible because that comes with freedoms. So that
shared goal of mutual trust can get you on the same team as you work to figure
out what time they should be home. Number two, watch for signs of stress. So learn
to look for signs of crucial conversations and signs of stress within
yourself. When you notice yourself getting heated take a deep breath
actively calm yourself and remind yourself to stick to the goal which is
shared dialogue and shared meaning. This step is basically learning to be
responsive instead of reactive to the situation. Number three, give yourself
more options. So let go of false dichotomies. In therapy we call this
black-and-white thinking. So for example I either had to let the boss walk all
over me or I had to rudely embarrass him. I had to say nothing or I would lose my
job. So instead of these dichotomies instead of you know this black-and-white
thinking, you ask yourself to step back and really consider, are there truly no
other options is there anyone in the company who uses a different strategy or
approach for dealing with that situation? And your goal is to relax a little bit
and invite creativity and flexibility. My dad once told me the story of a college
president who during the Vietnam War he was struggling to know how to deal with
the protesters on his campus. He had one group who wanted to burn the American
flag to show their anger about the draft and the war and he had the football team
who was surrounding the flag to protect it. As tensions were rising violence
seemed imminent and in similar situations other universities sent in
riot police or the National Guard and this led to escalating tension and
injuries and deaths. But this university president stepped back took a look at
the situation and made an offer. What if we wash the flag. A symbolic move that
both shows respect and the need for improvement and because
of his willingness to look for that third option the situation was resolved
peacefully. Number four, check how you see others. This was my number one take away.
Whenever someone reverts to silence like shutting down withdrawing going quiet or
violence like aggression raising their voice or arguing. Our natural reaction
is to respond more forcefully arguing our point or getting frustrated that
they won't participate and instead this book challenges us to see silence or
violence as a sign that the other person isn't feeling safe to talk. They feel
like their point isn't being considered and they get into a fight or flight mode.
When we see this we have to stop ourselves and ask what can I do to
restore safety? Crucial Conversations suggest some practical steps to
restoring safety. So they need to know that you care about them and their
interests so show them respect check yourself am I listening am I validating
am I acting defensive or being condescending or sarcastic? Am I showing
them that I value hearing what they are saying even if I don't agree? Now I think
this step is really powerful because we can actively create a safe environment
by how we treat the other person. When people feel that you care about them and
value them it invites them to relax and be able to absorb what you're saying and
share what they need to. So it makes it more likely that you'll have a
successful conversation that actually solves problems. Number five,
creating safety a big part to restoring safety is working on yourself. But there
are some other skills that are pretty straightforward to help others feel safe
understood and valued. So one of these is front-loading.
This is starting off conversations gently when a topic is crucial we tend
to get nervous and go into it like tightly after avoiding it for a while so
instead lead in gently. For example, there's something I'd like
to get your opinion on but I'm worried that you'll be upset if I bring it up.
Front loading can help a conversation go better right from the start. Here's
another one, point out you agree on highlight the areas you
share instead of only focusing on the parts you disagree with. Keep pointing
out your common goal for example, I really want to be able to work well with
you this relationship is more important or let's see how we can solve this in a
way that everyone can accept. If you need to make a tentative guess about what
they're feeling upset about but not in a judgmental way. So for example you could
say, it sounds like you're feeling like your opinion isn't being heard.
Number six, master your stories. So this sixth chapter on mastering your stories
it's like this combination of the book leadership and self-deception and
narrative therapy and a little bit of CBT thrown in for good measure. But
basically it tries to help you see when you're interpreting situations in a way
that harms the process. Stories are our assumptions of why people are doing what
they're doing. For example, seeing yourself as the
victim or blaming others as being lazy or selfish are types of stories that we
tell ourselves. Distorting the facts by exaggerating their wrongs or
highlighting their strengths is why these stories become problematic. Now I
thought this chapter was on point but to me it feels like a couple of books worth
of information in one short chapter. So I wonder if people are actually able to
absorb it in small doses or if it is better addressed in more depth.
Regardless you should check yourself for signs of this. Do you have repeating
patterns at work like why is everyone out to get me or all bosses are
authoritarian a-holes or I'm the only hard worker around here. When you see
your underlying stories for what they are, stories, then you can see past them
and solve real problems. Try to replace defensiveness with curiosity. This is
something that I struggle with and this book frames this in an
interesting way, when faced with someone who seems to be getting angry shutting
down or being irrational rather than ask what's the worst most personal way
I can take this which leads to defensiveness we should ask why would a reasonable
rational and decent person think or feel this way? Leading to
curiosity it's hard to feel defensive and curious at the same time. Assuming
that they're doing the best they can can help us understand their obstacles to
having a dialogue around crucial issues. When it comes down to it what I
appreciated most about this book was its emphasis on creating real safety by
giving me the responsibility to create that safe environment and it teaches the
tools to make that happen. Thanks for watching and if you found this content
helpful please consider sharing it with someone who also might find it helpful.
Take care.
