Craig Ferguson 250+ of YOUR Favorite Dirtiest Moments Ever

[Applause] H it's a great day for America everybody yes inde that's right get going go on give it a blow [Applause] hey happy birthday thanks very much indeed happy birth many happy Oh and next year's I'm 40 51 what the how the hell does that happen you get to go back now you get to lie about your age yeah and also you you become nonthreatening to attractive women because you're so old so you can really hit on them and nothing happens you know I've always liked older men there you go that's a girl hey uh I was in love with you since you were anbin in The Tudors that was fantastic thank you no that's great you're really good did you do a lot of did you look into her life did you do a lot of studying about what yeah I was really geeky about it I read every single book that was going she was quite the broad actually wasn't she I mean she's like a card player and yeah very Savvy carder yeah she was good she was good dancer bit like you just there thanks very good A lot of people have say I dance like an buin it's the skirts yeah have you ever seen me wearing a skirt I'd like to thank you well you're Scott I am Scot we call it have you ever been up to Scotland I've been to Scotland many times really embra Festival Albert indeed really did you go with school plays and stuff like that yeah with like drama school yeah when I was training what drama school did you go to oh it doesn't exist anymore the drama school I went to what was it called it was called Weber Douglas when I remember Weber Douglas they rejected my application when I was young and now they've closed down and I'm not an actor yeah the Weber Douglas Academy yeah Douglas Academy yeah is it closed down yeah that's terribly sad the principal the guy who run it ran it um was sitting on rather a lot of good real estate in South Kensington in London so just sold it cashed in yeah good for him I say yeah hanging about with actors all day is a terrible job yeah especially actors who are getting started depressing we spent more time in the par you help yourself to that leg young lady it's fine yeah um we spent um that leg's been around the world you know Craig Ferguson just made me blood yeah yeah you say so uh you went to Edinburgh what what play did you do then when you went to Edinburgh oh no I do you know I want I saw a lot of uh standup comedy at the Ed there's tons of it that's where I started know that's I'm mentioning it like I saw a lot of really good standup comedy and also I was there yeah who did you see anyone I would know oh well I saw like a oh God lots of British when they were start just starting out like not the references wouldn't really make sense no don't worry about them I'm asking you like the peep show boys and everything yeah the peep shows are great show I love those guys I saw them when they first started out at North fielding and like I saw a hey hey hey keep it down Doctor Who sorry we got Gryffindor in the house and there you go the uh the Game of Thrones is huge as well I mean it's the greatest show I've never yet seen but I but I have all and David benof one of the creators of the show has been here and no he's here next week isn't he yeah that's right but he's been here before many times he's a great guy he's he's very handsome isn't he he's very stupidly handsome ridiculous like he's a writer and he's all handsome I was like what the hell man why can't he be fat with glasses isn't that what writers of many look like he's like hey how you doing chis yeah with jawline jerk damn it yeah he'll be 51 one day too yeah but it but it won't be for a [Applause] while hello R hello first of all may I apologize I am a wret I am an absolute bad quite lovely and and you have a a pony I see Hello Pony very Charming um NE neach chief he he's a he's a member of a motorcycle gang oh you look like the type yeah anyway I'm sorry about Wednesday when you were meant to be on the show no I'm here on on Friday Friday yes very good it feels so Friday right now I know watch this oh and everybody hey um you don't sound very American to me no I'm not I am in fact Australian ah Tasmanian actually which is maybe a better story at well Tasmania is the little the little nugget underneath yes good the little heart-shaped heart-shaped Island it's the little bit dangling uh under the what are you referring to I'm just saying Tasia if if if I feel like you're you're referring to my home state as res Ling testicles how dare you have I if I have deduced it wrong I profoundly well I would never so what is the is the kind of um organ like equivalent of Scotland would you say um penis um I was going to go pancreas actually no no no no Tasmania though it's lovely you've got the uh the Tasmanian devil this yes the animal have you ever seen one are they real I have seen one they are real they're quite sweet actually they look like um raccoons sort of but nastier nastier than raccoons yeah but I think raccoons are very cute I'm assured by my American friends that they're quite evil yeah they can be they can be they like to get into trash and things like that well I do that yeah yeah don't we all when did you come to the United States then oh uh six years ago I think six or seven years ago but large large large moments back home and other places and your family are still in Australia though there they're still in Tasmania I saw them recently actually it was a lovely trip oh well that's good news yes yeah Mom you know yeah yeah that's the Australian word for for Mom Mom yeah yeah you've got a very good American accent though it's do I sometimes it's a bit lazy because it was very um we shot crisis in Chicago and it was quite Chile in Chicago it can get that way yeah it's cold yes the the polar vortex which is one of the most histrionic ever sounding weather titles yeah polar vortex vort polar vortex yeah no it's very cold it's like a toothpaste flavor polar vortex for that minty fresh feeling you can Splash on some obsessed by Jim Gaffigan and then oh from from two days ago from two days ago okay all right there you are you get a piece of candy for that a lcky chocolate yeah yeah don't eat it now don't eat it now okay save it it's got a special ingredient congratulations oh what okay sugar got it sugar they don't feed us that in Hollywood no well you're an actress you can't eat an enough this is good I'm looking forward to the special ingredient and I will take it on your word that it is sugar what what what else could it be then I don't know something potentially illegal not for me no no I'm not that guy anymore are you are you uh I are you involved illegal well I would hope so but I no I meant I meant more about uh are you involved in illegal drugs do you take a lot of masculine or heroin or no I'm really I'm quite dull I I actually don't drink really either um neither do I oh yay good for you good for everybody okay yeah but uh yeah no uh although uh I will report back on how this street goes no don't report back after make show you're done this relationship's over no not at all I want you to come back here every Friday oh [Applause] [Music] hello sh hi such a gentleman well I like to try and be a gentleman especially you look very elegant very beautiful and sophisticated and classy for you well I thank you very much indeed but it wouldn't fit me I just an option no it's it's it's very lovely in your shoes my goodness they're lovely knobbly bits on them yeah they're uh I was hoping you would not mention my feet considering I wear like the largest size possible so I no no no no I've I've seen larger sizes in a high heeled shoe than that are you sure size 11 no no no not not the height of the heel my actual feet though like a size well that's good very rare it it's I'm I'm a sasquash has the same feet no iot you have big feet oh God yeah well that's great that I mean so in high winds you're like no problem or or if I was a guy maybe you know I'd be well endowed well well big feet well but you're you're clearly not a guy so uh it it'll be fight water skiing water skiing I don't even need the ski yeah you'll be like come on let's go be fine congratulations may I ask about your uh your name it's very unusual it's h where's it from Van santon um it's dutch ah I see I'm 75% Dutch 25% Norwegian wow good for you and that uh that's um so Dutch would be have youever been to Amsterdam I haven't you should go yeah I have but I'm sure that's no surprise to anybody in this room I yeah no it's fantastic Place beautiful city Amsterdam yeah have you never been to Holland no I haven't actually my my grandparents came from one side of my grandparents came from Holland and uh settled in Minnesota and they are Dairy Farmers so so you grew up a Dairy Farmer I did I did grow up a Dairy Farmer uh one set of parents uh one set of grandparents had a dairy farm and uh milk cows and on raised cows and pigs for meat oh so you're good are you a vegetarian no are you kidding me my family would never let me be a vegetarian you still hear the Lambs Shanta that would be kind of yeah no I don't know how well I'd be grown up my wife grew up on a a farm and she's kind of like very practical it's good cuz she's used to been around large smelly creatures so it kind of worked for me but I don't know how well I would have done that no we had to do all sorts of fun things like um besides milking the cows which was a fun task and itself do you use the electric milk yeah you use but but you have to wash them and put Sav On Their udder during the winters and uh you I'm trying not to be weird about this it's really hard it's like our first date I shouldn't tell you yeah yeah no but um you you rub the other yeah yeah and uh you help cows give birth and all sorts of how do you help them give birth like drive them to the hospital or something I wish it was I wish it was that nice no you normally have to like reach down in and tie twine around a calf and then help pull so it's a very sounds like poist you know when they had to hold on to the Rope carine and then yeah it was yeah it was a it was a very interesting childhood so why did you get drawn into acting then was it just to avoid uh you know large smelly farm animals because you're going to run it I'm here I know um no I I don't know if it's what I always wanted to I wanted to write that's what I was going to college for and uh actually kind of found me and in that sense I felt like it's what I was supposed to do what uh what college did you go to to write uh I was going to Texas Christian University ah I see you're a Texas Christian um uh wow we're already talking about religion we should go to politics next no no no we're not no I uh I only went there for a year and a half I never finished um yeah I I came out so you're a Satanist yes exactly exactly 100% oh stop so uh you were studying was it creative writing um uh journalism really yeah there's none of that left anymore you know n it's just horses asses saying whatever they like it's true I think back in the day you know when they had editors and stuff it was very rare to find a good journalist [Applause] now Hannah welcome thank you I'm sorry I must just apologize for being uh not as demonstrative as I'd like to be but I'm a little bit covered in germs yeah got the lury but I have a little bit what fabulous trousers you're wearing Is that real gold it's spangly I know trousers made of gold by the way trousers are pants yes well I put my snazzy pants on F they're very snazzy pants are you originally from somewhere in America nope where you from I'm from London really which part yeah balum South London oh yeah that's South London isn't it yeah I used to live in North London oh whereabouts in Islington oh yeah we didn't talk much about folks in balum no well it was you know it's um it's an up and cominging area and it's quite shishy now sheishi it's called nappy Valley now everyone there is pushing around buggies and oh with diapers yes diapers diers are nappy I have you have you moved to America you here just promoting the show um no I'm here just promoting show all right and the show is uh it's black black sales that's my favorite story yes pirating is it PIR is it piratey are you a lady pirate with fabulous trousers that goes around and you know captures booty yes well I'm not so much of a yeah I'm a yeah lots of gold to be caught yeah this is just one of our latest uh very they are very special trouses are they uh are they are may I yes please thank you please wow wowly huh yeah it's they're very exciting it's like a coach with something sexy inside well I thought I was like um I thought it was actually a bit more like a piece of furniture from down Abby rather well it is but have you been on D Abby yet no I haven't I would love oh you got to get on before your accent goes away I know yeah upstairs or downstairs which would you prefer oh I don't know I'd get a really nice Northern accent or something if I was downstairs downstairs yeah' be like oh the ear a West country accent West country like the pirate accent here what you be doing there are you right down there I think so that's very good West country that's nice been down there a few times yeah yeah makes me want to go and uh watch down Abby really did you watch it um I've caught bits of it I haven't watched um the whole kind of season right but you watched the first season and it was great right oh fabulous right and then after that cuz oswalt's giv me a hard time about it oh no well I think down Abby fans are die hard they are they're kind of like Doctor Who fans but older yeah so you're quite a hoey I see I am bit of a hoovie and yeah do you do you watch the Doctor Who well I do I catch bits of it but you know what as a kid I was so petrified well that the minute minute of Dar was on I was like behind the S you know the new doctor's an old friend of mine I know Peter Kali pet an old we were very very close friends I heard you were in a band we were in a band together he was the singer I was the drummer I saw his ass shake night after night amazing and then we went on stage oh um yeah I think he's going to be a brilliant doctor very very good actor I know I've got a bit obsessed with him actually with um in the loop and oh yes that wasn't shown here though was it not well it might have been shown here I don't know on BBC America or something oh he's brilliant he's very good actor he's good at pointing and cussing yeah Angriest Man in Scotland wa no no that's not true is that not true no no there are angrier people in Scotland they're just not the tell they're no actors yeah yeah so uh what are you doing while you're here then i' just been shooting elementary with Johnny Lee Miller and Lucy Lou that Lucy Lou is good news I saw her down at the Super Bowl you know oh did you she can do kung fu she's a bit dangerous with a blade yeah she is it's nice little Daydream for you there yeah that's what happens when you get to 51 you just got to drift off in the middle of conversations you're like I remember things you know what else I do like I've noticed like this will happen to you when you get old when you drive around on your own you say out loud the names of stores that you drive by you're like walg greens say it out loud I don't know what it is it's kind of have you done that thing yet where you start to sigh when you stand up and you sit down yeah yeah yeah do that do that again get up like that again no do it do it again do the thing are you going to make the noise for yeah yeah yeah do it okay right okay yeah that happens as you get older too it does apparently I haven't reached that point yet but do you know what I did I was next I was at a traffic light the other day right and I found myself at the traffic light going like this it's sucking my teeth I used to suck other people's teeth yeah you don't have to worry about that what are you 12 and a half yeah all right Weber Douglas though what a great school Doug very happy for you your career's going very well I hope you don't turn into one of those jerks but you and I need to stay friends and then that won't happen Okay no I I think I am one of those jok oh I'm all right I'm all right I'm all right yeah yeah I'm getting I got past it we keep me grounded if yeah people it's very important in Britain they always like people to be grounded oh no you can't yeah I can't get too above don't get above your what what who do you think you are think cuz you play someone Posh you're Posh you're not Posh are you Posh or you a poshy no I get to play royalty all the time and I'm not Posh at all not poshy no I'm not poshy you look a bit poshy though cuz you get the Lovely cheekbones well I've got this is Norwegian in happy Norwegian day yes oh well done allow me uh allow me to give you the traditional sugar cube uh that the Norwegian celebrate with really what am I going to do I say that's yeah chop it into a line and snort it you'll be fine sir did you eat that go eat that oh you put it down there oh I'll take it back then I give it I'll give it to Secretariat later we've got the same color lipstick on yeah he's he's going through his uh David boy 1976 period uh who's to say well are you enjoying America will you stay here have you met a young man perhaps I I have met a young uh American gentleman um which which is um makes me feel kind of guilty in a way that I I feel like should be dating an Australian um well uh uh but um but yes I have I like it very much here I why you feel guilty about well I felt like really I should be um you know wanting to spend my life with an Australian man well you know isn't that I don't know that it's just I mean it's not like we're a Dying Breed but but not hwood anyway every every couple of blocks M you know that that kind of seagull sounding accent I'm sorry I'm sorry for butchering your accent but people do it to me all the time I can't actually do a Scottish accent at all here how going to drive oh Shrek donkey that's very good that's good yeah have you ever done any work in America where you had to play an Australian I don't think so oh that's not true actually my first job in in America I was playing an Australian what was your first job Transformers the robot movie Robots in Disguise it was a long time ago now but I I was in it apparently yeah I I remember I played a computer specialist don't I look like a computer specialist yes I do you look like a computer specialist in a Michael B movie it is what it is anyway we're at good luck on crisis it seems to be very popular and the kids are going crazy it's a number one show in America apparent it's not at all that's a lie it's quite it's not it's not that no it's not but it's very good um seems fine it's a good show that seems fair um thank you for saying that just just saying you know I a little bit hyperboy doesn't hurt in your business no it does not but it it was a it was a fun show it's very serious I play a very serious young woman in this show and I play a mother which is I have a I have a 16-year-old child in this show what what the hell cast this thing Phil noise is he's a good good fellow I mean I I I I I'm having a hard time inv visiting you having a 16-year-old child thank you Craig that is the right thing to say I think I I I set you up for that for precise response you totally look like you have a well yeah no that would have been the wrong thing to say you're absolutely right yeah well look we're out of time that's my body language for we're out of time but there was no there was no no phone ringing or no I don't know I never heard anyone Pony and I apparently the phone did ring who were you who were you expecting on the phone someone from Friday hold on I'll just see who it is Hello uh yes it's Morgan Freeman again hello God yes hello hi I just want to say I'm a big fan of your work and I enjoyed you in Transformers thank youg the way that you handled that keyboard o that was like nobody's business yeah you you like that one oh the way that you crack that Cod baby can I ask can I ask can I ask you Morgan how you can hear her when she's not speaking into the thing oh it's it's it's speaker phone Craig this is very modern um it's not taped together with gaffet tape I think it's very neat Morgan it's been a pleasure um oh the pleasure's been all mine baby the pleasure's been all mine all right that's I feel embarrassed yeah I know yeah I he [Applause] mad you got to knock it off man oh [Music] yeah would you read for fun then um or do you read for fun do I know how to read oh I'm sure you know how to read come on um uh I I read I mean I have friends who all suggest things I read lots of scripts obviously right yes supp you're doing that as an actress yeah you you kind of do that all the time so what do you do to relax then apart from you know massage cows during the birth that's the most relaxing well you you live in Los Angeles right yes I do I feel like I'm never here though I mean I I'm always shooting other places like Russia or Berlin or that's great Russia where have you been to in Russia Moscow oh I've been there have you been to euros lavel no what's that it's a the oldest the oldest city in all of Russia and it's outside by probably 5 hours outside of Moscow no no that's too far for me yeah it's far away from civilization what is it like uh in in Moscow no no I've been in Moscow I know what it's like in Moscow yeah oslava what's that it was a lot of like abandoned homes and farms on the way out there and uh it kind of reminded me of living in in Minnesota it's funny when you go to other countries and you think wow this looks like Texas or oh this looks like Minnesota I know yeah I remember thinking that but some very I went to Kosovo once I was like wow this kind of looks familiar uh yeah yeah yeah then I remembered I've been there before yeah uh and Berlin I've never been to Berlin I Berlin is awesome yeah I've heard it's great I want to go there badly yeah where do you go on vacations normally Scotland yeah yeah back home yeah I go to Scotland a lot yeah I'm I'm from there yeah have you ever been there I haven't oh you'd love it next time you can just pack me in your carry-on I'll come with no I I look I'd be into it but those other members of the family I think are going to have something to say okay so I I don't know I'll take my own trip yeah yeah like honey what if one of the cows has a baby so like no oh that would be great uh well anyway we're out of time okay uh so you want to end this awkward pause bit of meditation want to throw frisbees at my horse that's not C awward okay that's hey whoa I thought it was like a it's not a moment no it's it's not an awkward pause that's an awesome pause that's a completely different thing I thought it was that kind of moment no that's that's no that's nothing awkward let again a little awkward now I guess wonderful you would never have lasted at the Texas Christian University my mom's going to be really disappointed oh see you're only kiding that's fine I'm only kid wonderful so you having a nice time in America being suring yeah what no I got in when was it yesterday oh you got to go surfing it's California I'd love to yeah well you go then don't wear those though oh no I I that's what my mom would say too she's going to say why did you wear those shoes on the Telly I'm just glad I didn't stack it up the stairs no you I would normally have helped you they're very nice shoes I would helped you up I didn't want to get germs on you you'll probably get sick anyway you come in on a plane all this is true yeah how long are you staying um I'm leaving on Monday all right so what are you going to do you going to do anything ear is uh well we've got lots and lots of press and promo so talking to lots of people and talking about Pirates yeah that's pretty Elish that's it yeah talking about pirate stuff and then yeah and then I'm back to South Africa to start um finish off shooting this second season so oh you make it in South Africa yeah oh that's nice oh it's lovely yes they don't talk like that down there though do they it's lovely down there you could go surfing down there but they oh you've been surfing I'm not supposed to say that I'm I don't think I'm supposed to go thing because there's a lot of sharks yeah there are a lot of sharks in South Africa they'll bite you yeah but I'm a really I know about sharks do you yeah I actually did Shark Week once for the Discovery Channel I swam with the sharks and the Sharks came over to me they've got two penises you what some sharks have got two penises so why do you need two you know I asked but they never said anything but they they do they have that they come they're like your choice I I I was frightened to get that close oh I'm glad I'm not a lady shark I don't know we you don't want to be a lady shark actually because what they do is to hold on because they've got no arms they they bite during mating so after The Mating Season that the ladies are all covered in bite marks CU it's the only way that the mail shirts can hold on to them oh dear no thanks that's actually true not funny in any way shape or form but but true anyway we time uh enjoy yourself in America uh try the gum okay I will yeah it's delicious gum and um yeah then you stick it behind your ear when you're not chewing it um that's not proper here no put it in the trash okay you know growing up in Texas I mean going to the Moon is more feasible than actually coming to Hollywood and being on TV and being on a talk show and the whole thing so yeah I know cuz in Scotland it's like boom straight to La when I grew up it was like what are you going to do talk show host in America you got it it's either that or Shepherd what do you want Oh I'll do the talk show well you do it very well no thanks very much you're Scottish that's great my fiance's part Scottish really which part yeah I love your dress by the way it's very it's you can see through bits and it's kind of and I mean this I mean is very very in a very loving way it's a little tableclothy thing no I don't mean it like that no you know what I mean right it looks like a doily a little bit from your grandmother's house not from your grandmother say I meant for it to be sexy it is sexy it is sexy it's so sexy I'd like to examine you for your heart problem you would have been a good Bottom doctor I've heard that before what's the vibrator back there for oh that's a personal massager um when I uh when I you can borrow if you want it's just you know when you have problem areas you know when you go to these uh the stores like uh what was that Sharper Image and you can say you can buy a personal massage it just looks like a giant thing it does and then did you ever go and sit on the massage chair and it's just like sitting on an airplane with a kid behind you with a kid rolling you yeah [Music] just me so listen your husband was here he was very very nice tall uh good-look and a genius I actually don't care for him I left out well he cares for you great deal very very a whole romance I mean he knows everything about you he's like did you know he was in a band he was in a band with you didn't you didn't know I was in you didn't know I was in a band I like I sent you tons of letters about me being in a band I was like dear Amanda please don't get married to David I was in a band but then there was the restraining order so know these were bad times but now you're on the good way on here yes is it good do you play a lawyer or uh somebody that goes nuts and shoots up the joint I just can't take you seriously with the mug it's when you drink it almost gouges out your eyeball look I like to live Dangerously who's that guy tell you one thing I'm not gay anymore yeah wow I don't know man I think if the firefighter was here you'd be right back to where you started good kisser I believe I know yeah is that weird kissing a girl cuz you're heterosexual I am yeah not really like if I had to kiss a dude cuz I'm heterosexual I'd be like oh this is kind of awesome no I mean I it just it goes against my own personal preference sexually so I think women are a little different I really hope that's true do you think that's really true is that a real fantasy thing no I think it's really true oh that's so awesome I'm so relieved isn't that great let's been Rose like well I don't know but oh hey hey have you ever been to Sweden no oh you'd love it I would good fit right and and S how are you doing why are you in La you live in New York what are you doing here I'm here I'm here um with I'm here with Crest 3D White really no is it 3D 3D teeth is that what they're doing well you have to wear special glasses to brush your teeth what does that do it work no knock it off I'm the I'm I'm just it's just is not going well somebody can we secretary that's our show no that's our show not going well is what we do anyone can help us all right then who's out of the door [Applause] secet you dance because I'm wearing a doily you can still dance I feel self-conscious now your Hollywood actress friends do hang about with a lot of actresses um not really really yeah what do you do then when you're not uh Making Sexy programs I um I actually work with the environmental media Association I do a lot of environmental work and with heel the bay great I do that kind of thing that's awesome cheers I do work with Organic Gardens do you really uhhuh do you grow your own vegetables MH do you grow marrows what marrows these big joint penisy shaped vegetables have you you've never seen a marrow maybe maybe I'm got old country name for it marrow it's a big thing it's like a like um it's like a squash it's like a squash but it's more penisy uh are they good penises or marrows marrows marrows are great they are I not got that much experience with I've got one not even with the crab fisherman the crab fisherman that came on the boat yeah did this Marathon over the weekend for it was a it was a a fundraiser for cancer like real Marathon like a real Marathon six month four mon Whatever It Is Well okay let me let me start over my definition of a marathon is running anything more than 2 minutes okay so this was a 5k that's not a marathon but it but hey man hey it was for me don't hey man me it's like it's like people have gone Jazz crazy but like the audience is clicking their fingers you're calling me are you a jazz fan oh love jazz love blues and I heard you play a mouth organ that I want you to blow a little bit later I also play the harmonica no yeah you are you really are a fan of jazz yeah no I am I did this uh I did this movie in New Orleans last summer and I got really into the blues and every now we went out to a different jazz blues bar and the harmonica just really kind of just got into my blood it's good do you play yourself and I no I just got one though and I want to learn so maybe you can be my teacher no no I can't Maybe maybe I could is that the sore leg yes the doctor told me to elevate it so here we go no this is The Late Late Show right it is now yeah oh no no yes you got hair in your face what's going on with your hair I don't know it's good it's it's unruly and sexy unruly unru it's UNR and sexy it's nice do you just hate it when people do that when they're like un no I like it actually it makes me feel like I'm at home really I love it compliment to me yeah it's like whenever you go to uh other countries you should always speak English in the accent that you think they sound like when they speak English and they love it like if you go at par and go hello I'm from America they're like ah this is great never works for answer a question honestly right okay my creepy yeah let him know I think I have my answer hi Amy hi Craig I haven't seen you in ages you look lovely in your orange dress thank you I like the the way that it's cut sort of square here to sort of imply there's an area there's an area there's an area cut out cut out suggestive it's nice that is that um that can I touch go ahead there that that we used to have a couch like that when I was a kid I mean seriously it was that material it's it's kind of 70z material yeah it kind of got cheek after a while did it yeah I've got a whole mess of Coach material I can sell that is so eco-friendly of you I don't know where it is and also I don't know if you'd want to wear anything that I used to use as a couch especially Sil you know what I'm saying it's a bit lot of spots on the couch hey little bit yes very excited to see them yeah no good because they'll be coming up next weot of time uh do you fancy do you want a piece of fruit I would love a piece of fruit uh what do you fancy a banana uh okay yeah there you are it leans a bit to one side but you'll be all right sah shy everybody [Applause] right products yeah I I don't and look what happened they look great no they're they're all right now you should have seen them when I got here from Scotland do what have you got in your hand there what's that um this is just a note from you that I wanted to talk to you about why well I just I thought it was really interesting and I thought you could maybe explain just why you chose this particular card for me daffodils yeah um I chose it because it was the one in the I didn't choose it I did daffodils have a significance for you no I just thought it was just a very feminine Choice and then also just wasn't really legible and it just didn't seem like you took a lot of time to um to write it to me wait you you you have a problem with my writing well I just haven't been here in a while and I thought oh I got really excited they said this is from Craig and I got so excited that you were going to say you know how have you been it's been a long time and then I opened it and it was just this Scribble well what I meant to say was with daffodils on the outside yeah well daffodils are the they're Welsh and uh it's a also it's a Fring thing for is it the Wordsworth yeah yeah yeah a host of well that's not really a host of golden daffodils that's just like coupling yeah yeah a coupling a coupling of daffodils did you mean anything by that yeah it's it's a Frey thing yeah yeah it's they're like quick cue something turn something on he's floundering she's after him about the card beach before really are you a beach girl kind of really yeah what do you do there get tan did you wear a little outfit little bikini do you really yeah good for you thanks that's what I wear as well oh I forgot you frightened to the snake aren wait I don't know if I want to see you in a bikini why not you don't have boobs yes I do do you uh no but it's threatening um it's I've come to that point like oh God I'm going to have to do something or else really yeah I think it's true really yeah I'm kind of surprised I thought it was just kind of a constructive male fantasy that actually you know heterosexuals male and female were one way and people who were homosexual male and female were another way and that's just the way it was it's not like that I think there's the gray area I'm sorry I'm on a lot of medication is this really happening this might be the greatest show of my life getting better I'm almost expecting to ride a unicorn to cake Mount I wish a unicorn would come out right now you know I wish a unicorn would come out right now too but I think there's only a who said at the door love it awkward pause oh really I'm thinking about girls kissing I'm thinking about guys kissing really I mean look it's cool I love all the people no hate I'm totally there but I mean really let me just ask you very quickly during this awkward pause that I've dismissed the uh like it's not the same for heterosex like heterosexual men when they see two women kissing they're like oh man that's awesome but heterosexual women when seen two men kissing would not feel the same way or would you I wouldn't be turned on but I think it's kind of cute I don't know if that's good or not oh this is just great a great what a great show and I'm so glad you've been part of it thanks okay we have to uh we have to stop talking now which seems a shame really what happens if you drink a lot of that right I thought it was tofu but tofu is fine it's tofu gives you breasts they could cut out what if you like mash them up and put them into a [Music] bra no tofu is made from soy is it so I didn't know that are you you really are from Tanga are you a vegetarian no well how come you know all about vegetables then you I for you you don't like the snake do you I remember I don't like snakes at all they scare me it's it's not a real snake just water or what no it's a soy milk grow your boobs for the summer get my beach body ready the girls do that then the girls drink a lot of soy and tofu and stuff so that their boobies will grow some do really name names who who in Hollywood who in Hollywood amongst you uh here can you play not so much that's a shame because if you could do it you could win the golden mouth or oh yeah if you can play you win it it's been won four times you know how to play I don't stick in your mouth and blow come on get those beautiful teeth uh my my button just fell really oh did you ready okay now would you like a sort of calm nice ending or something El beat no is there any double on Tandra in there's no double andon in this show we don't do it a nice calm ending made me think of several various possibilities but I just okay that's a nice she's nice isn't yeah yeah right exactly oh I can do things [Music] [Applause] oh there's a horse in the corner oh my God yeah the horse looks like he's doing something else it's very late late late night he is that's how he passes the time do you have a Kleenex next to you wait wait wait you set them off at a creepy oh wow because of the doily comment you me I I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings about well you know between that and the card I just frankly don't know back here no man come on man I didn't mean like that what no how you going I make it up to you mouth organ I'm sorry it's like internal medicine with music mouth organ a harmonica if we play the harmonica or that kind of mouth organ there's only one kind of I was just thinking mouth organ is that is that an activity or what is that I've had this argument many times with the CBS sensor there is only one type of mouth organ and that's it there's no double meaning [Applause] here finally here you want to play that yes I just I would prefer an awkward silence but I I'll take the organ well you can you can have both many times when I do the mouth organ there's an awkward silence afterwards usually a euphoric awkward silence I haven't had this much fun in a long time oh really you want to wear that dress more often I uh do you go for massages do you I do I love them really well kind are you like galini that's yoga isn't it that's yoga yeah would you ever have a yoga you've never had a yoga massage everybody does that now oh it's like a TI massage sure why not okay tie massage is the one where they stretch you yeah yeah yeah you you do that I have I love massages yeah yeah yeah who massages you then random people really you just kind of go I want a massage from you and then they come over I usually go to a spa or someplace really yeah so you get covered in mud I have have you done that I saw it once in a bath with a dung in it with a what dung you know animal dung they said it was mud but it was poo it was like animal it smelled like poo it did yeah it was this place out near Palm Springs and they said oh you sit in here and all the essential oils are the and it pulls all the toxins out this is a bath fillet what's the com maybe a lot of people in the bath well you know you could easily you know let one go in there no one would know because probably a lot of people have I think they probably do you're relaxing and they're warm and and they just oh yes is that where you go you go to Spas out there and get yourself little I've I've uh I've been to the mud baths and uh but I just like a regular Swedish massage reflexology all that stuff you really are from here aren't you I am yeah You' got to be kidding no it's Friday night you know I'm just chill ax and did you ever do that put two words together then make them in one word chill and relax chill ax yeah it's fantastic or you take some of a word off for instance whatev adorbs I can't think of another one uh p b p p yes what are you saying instead in what I'm such an idiot you are yeah what do you mean I was saying penis so I said P all right all right I'm sorry let's go back VA there you happy calm down calm down V vam vam that's what I thought too that's what you call an elk's it's a cross between an elk it's across what is happening right now look I'm just telling you it's across from you an elk and a vagina Oh I thought you meant it was an elk vag an elk's vagina it could be that too cuz I'd like to see a cross of an elk and a vagina I don't understand that no I wouldn't want to see no you wouldn't want to see that what's wrong with you what's Cen no it's fine it's fine it's fine run around across the roof could have been a Pome I don't think so I wish but I don't I don't pums open there are that was such a TOS thing to say I'm so sorry okay it was I was all creepy and everything I was like you were there I was like there and then o pause sorry I want to come up with different words for things that's what I think I'm going to do that' be a pyy oh no no no no a Pote a Pote Pote yeah yeah care for some Pote Pote yeah exactly um yes I can I could do a fair amount of that stuff do you do that in your own life I mean do you have a yoga or Jiu-Jitsu well either one um what about a combination of both about what a combination of both um ju yoga like [Applause] man no shut up no how did that go Chris no come on I mean it was a genuine arst mistake oh man I would have gone with yo Jitsu yo Jitsu yeah of course I went the wrong way around got myself in a whole mess of trouble unfortunately no it's a movie about a whale rescue oh that's great did the wh the whales you know whales never forget the Aquatic version of elant fair enough whales do not forget and They Mourn their dead and get drunk do you know they used the idea of the elephant's graveyard this is true that the the elephants bury their dead I know I told you that [Laughter] I did I know all right uh to see that with women and I walk into restrooms and the toilet seats are covered in urine and party but here's what I don't understand it's it's causing it's causing this epidemic where if you want to go to the bathroom in a public restroom you have to squat and this to me okay whoa whoa yeah no no I'm sorry I'm not sure I can reverse what the plastic surgeon did to your stomach wait what are you talking about well it appears the last surgeon you had added huge layers of fat to your stomach that is so mean I know he should have his license taken away I was referring to what you said to me I know but if you have to explain the joke it didn't work did it I'm saying if you have to explain the joke it doesn't work well I feel such a fo Texas then maybe that was it yeah he he loves Austin yeah it's great I like it it it's just I don't know how to explain it don't move there nobody move there please but it's I just I can't explain why it works it just has its own Vibe and it it just it's lovely hot sauce really yeah is that a code are you giving me like a just hot sauce then not what my top comes off or something that would be great that would be great that's fantastic ask Betty White not so great no no I could do I could do this see he's back yeah no what I could do is have a special word hot sauce before this person even know like oh my god oh that makes me laugh hold on uh that night I had a dream that I went to karaoke and when I went to the karaoke booth that I usually go to I opened the door and Jeff Goldblum was in the room singing and then the next day I got an email saying the other guest on the show is going to be Jeff Goblin and I literally freaked out like I couldn't even make this up yeah that's crazy did you meet him backstage yes and I told told him this story and he cried he didn't really cry but I feel like he wanted to really no inside I feel like he really cried I know that I'm laughing say yes no I'll say yes no no he he didn't cry did he no thank you for saying that though that was really oh my God you can come back that was really fun Rob uh my friends and I are forming a punk band but can't agree on the name what do you think you should call ourselves is it an all girl band uh yeah let's say it is uh how about chyia that's good do you know I went to very recently I was in a bar in Scotland in rural Scotland and I and I went into I went into the restroom and there was a sign up right one of these Public Announcement signs in the bar and it showed teen it was a drawing of teenagers dancing Ing and you know about to have sex and it said everyone's out and about including camia clidia your Dad's here he F the van out back we didn't know I saw it in the medical dictionary and I named you where's your sister gar again this is a vegetarian Haas oh yeah that's a great one that'll just blow your cheeks apart that's like a call her chamia I that one there okay bbby go get me the chamia kit then did you see I just remember did you see CL your dads well did you say cyia your Dad's here that's enough that's the stupidest thing I ever had that's the one you don't want to have it with a loudspeaker because elephants have very very good memories I know that seems like a very common sense answer but it's true I mean they actually don't they don't no no no it it's actually I saw this on MythBusters they uh but they they're the smartest ones next to us They Mourn their dead they get drunk yeah that's these are all smart things to do the most emotionally I can't believe he's dead no uh I saw in Mythbusters they they because it's a myth that an elephant never forgets what happens if they got this elephant and they blew it up I'm joking he didn't blow up an elephant oh Lord here was my guest Robert Blake so Robert you're still claiming you didn't do it is that right oh come on robertt I mean seriously it's obvious you did [Laughter] [Laughter] [Applause] it this is nothing like nothing like Larry King at all nothing like him and who cares that's what I Brooklyn you look Sensational I mean really what a lovely dress I have a little bit of a FAA happening but a water what you call that a a foa do you know what that stands for FAA a foa AA I'm not going to say I don't think I can say it on television it then you must say it AA is a um flabby upper area oh got it yes yes yes oh can't you say I have a FAA yeah yeah no that's not that's not a FAA it's a dress pouch yeah it looks great A P it's lovely it's it's how's how's everything else otherwise everything else is great seems to be fine sorry I brought that up first that was really inappropriate no I like inappropriate okay well it's a thing that I do right I I know ever seen uh a polar bear a polar bear yeah yeah they'll stalk you okay I don't get it I was talking to Dominic Mon and polar bears will stop we have you ever been followed home by AAR I have not and nor have I gone diving with sharks or anything that he was talking about Howell I don't know he was saying this and I thought I need to be living because clearly I'm not you see I think in Britain um for ages like the of the upper middle class and the aristocracy are so well represented in drama but never really the working right it's all down AB I said Charles absolutely yeah a lot of that and the thing is in America the class are kind of mythologized you know like in gangster shows and and uh so we hadn't really done that so it was kind of you know it was time for that to happen I think and Winston Churchill the is a character not a sympathetic character in the show not really no no he did some bad stuff as well as some great stuff chur right yeah I mean it was the thing about uh Churchill is people forget because they used to say in Britain I don't know if he's the right man but he was the right man for the job then which they also used to say about Stalin you know it's like yeah it's like they you know it to stop Hitler you needed a a kind of neutron bomb like that but it was uh it's it's an astonishing cuz my my grandfather hated Winston Churchill right and you never you never got that because he put machine guns uh out in George Square in Glasgow when they were they thought there was going to be a revolution after well before the first world war and then during and after yeah he wasn't a very popular man in Ireland back then oh no no I suppose not but I think um I think in like my character what my character sees in him in the show is that he did go to the trenches and he did he was that's true he was the real deal yeah yeah so you got to hand that to him but yeah it's fascinating to have somebody like that as a main or a featured character in a show like that you know a major historical figure now the the character that you play is was he a real guy that he really exist there was a Shelby family um yeah in fact the writer Steve Knight is from Birmingham so right and he you know all these stories were passed down to him through his parents through his I think his mother was like a runner for for an legal bookmaking gang Lord so so he had them as a child and uh these these memories and then he wanted to tell this story and so this family did exist and he always used to remember them as being incredbly Dapper despite not having much money and you know um and and very Fierce he I am Dirk wees former football star and current sex phone addict call me cinnamon booah joining us tonight is y McGregor actor philanthropist movie star UNICEF Ambassador blah blah blah just get on with it nobody cares I'm sorry about that welcome you and I understand you've got an announcement about your next project I do my next movie is the story of your life DK it's called field of weams you're upsetting I guess I tell you what I'll upset him I'll upset him when he gets to the scene in the movie where he has to recreate my Infamous my Infamous hobo Ori come on I'm trying my best here you an knowy with the homeless no hobos try again you had an Ary with hobos it was the easiest money those bastards ever made he and the great thing about picking up homeless people is you can drop them off anywhere Jack Jack you got to scare him off doing the movie is that what I've done have I scared you oh Alice Hello I haven't seen you in an age how have you been I've been very well you look very nice thank you gorgeous and I match the carpet and the mug well no you look better than all that stuff you look great and the donkey that's not a donkey yes it is it's a it's a horse partially not it's not a horse though is it Craig no no it's not a real horse it's a pretend horse donkey F just like this is a pretend show this has all been put together so I could meet you because we're meant to be together follow through just point and follow through and I said stop talking to me like a 5-year-old like you can tell me like an adult how to hit a tennis ball and he you're right Carol you don't need that I don't and he said to me if you play like a 5-year-old I'm going to have to talk to you like a 5-year-old oh yeah yeah so I crushed the racket into a million little bits yeah yeah yeah that that that was that must have set the maturity level spiking rare very mature well you got to find something to do as you get older you won't stay Naturally Fit forever you got to find something yoga do yeah me I I run and box and use that machine like that oh and you play the soccer and you hit that's once a show what you blood do you play the piano I do a little a little piano or you play the piano little a little piano right you play a TT that's adorable yeah my my grandma is amazing and M too but she doesn't play the piano well you come on here saying your kid's better than my kid your grandma's better than my grandma who the hell do you think you are lady I come from Down Under Australia oie oie oie yeah you know that car is a Scottish name though it is oh it is yes I there you are I have Scottish and Irish in my ancestry that must you you fond of whiskey no but I like Guinness well Guinness is good yeah I mean if you like that sort of thing I don't know I don't know if I can say that on TV but I I used to enjoy Guinness immensely when before I stopped yes and now what is your um preferred drink tea tea what kind of tea oh I like I like an Aral gray really or uh like an L gray too do you really I think we'll get along nice actually ear gray El gry or daring maybe I like a bit of Daring no no what the hell you think your grandma's better than my Grandma let's just have a play date and then we can drink some tea and wait you I'm one of your girlfriends now haven't I when did I become this nonthreatening that's awful but great at the same time [Music] hello Megan hello you look lovely thank you you're very very nice indeed you look like you've got the one of them shimmy dresses on I am concerned the feathers are going to upstage all of us no well I do like feathers are they real feathers or are they pretend feathers they're faux feathers faux feathers that's nice hey uh well you I can when you get feathers on a dress do you have to actually pull them out of a bird or do you wait just swall a bird around till they fall off I didn't make the dress okay I just wanted to know I I just wondered if it was bird friendly or not when you make a snake mug do you have not real snakes not a real snakes it's just a Frey thing okay I'll leave that alone well all right congratulations on the rarest of occurrences the uh big hit Network show thank you that's something a new pet Network show how often that happens this is the first time it's happened to me it's a very rare thing I mean Spader's had about half a dozen of them but they uh he's a terrific actor isn't he yeah he's he's he's lovely man crazy no yes no yes I spend every day with him he's totally s well only maybe to you maybe you're crazy too you never know tell me about yourself so the thing is are you in therapy right now I think I am yes you are what are you going to do with that thing are you are you in therapy no do you think you needed any therapy what frightens you Megan me apart from me what frightens you Megan um I don't know most social situations really are you socially awkward a little bit really that's interesting cuz you're in in a business that's going to require you to do a lot of idle chitchat yeah I found that to be true some [Applause] cases well would you be would you be happier if someone wrote down some lines for you to say yeah would you do that for yeah sure okay thank you hang on in the meantime uh what are you afraid of snakes really uh gray-haired men uh large audiences oh you're all right here then puppets that require two men hey don't don't start giving away show business Secrets oh sorry that's that's a genuine fake horse that's not two men is you want to tell us about Santa Claus of the tooth fairy this is late enough for the kids not to have their hearts broken right it's never too late I'm sorry for Mak light of terrible tragedy the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again that's great that's perfect it puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the house again put the lotion in the basket atana says uh dear Craig do you think you could ever do a show without using your sound effects machine I could but it' be like having sex without your genitals why what I mean that's the best bet you know [Music] [Applause] I think it's really funny this is my job how awesome is that how awesome is that I played a harmonica on uh assassins on Broadway is that a restaurant it was a musical called assassins onway [Music] I hun for tips I love you man you should just come every night it's the JK Rowling show please welcome the first female president of Harvard University Mrs lady hello a more time such deceived intellectual [Laughter] show shower [Music] hi there hi you look Sensational I mean just wonderful love dress and your you say that to all the girls no no I no you literally say that to all of the girls I do yeah I do yeah you're right well I mean it's kind of be kind of awkward if the girl came out and I went really that those shoes were thatass I don't think you're going to go with that okay I have a question though yeah is there such a thing as too much cleavage um okay this was a I don't know Craig why don't you tell me no I I I don't but women get annoyed this was a debate backstage because this is actually new cleavage because I am I am caring child oh congratulations thank you very much thank you so these this is a whole new thing and I'm kind of fascinated with this oh no my wife my wife went crazy with it when she got pregnant she's like oh and they were and then and then after the baby's born good or bad fantastic all right all right all right so we got got at least way no there all right good because I can't this is all I do all day is I just stay at home and stare at them all day long yeah that's what I do no h you well when when are you do then I'm halfway there oh halfway there for you that's fantastic do you know uh which who the father is yeah I thank you oh I wouldn't ask that it's Jeff actually hi I don't know if this is awkward to break the news tonight but I picked up the genitals from customs and just kind of had my way with it that's so the rest of Jeff wasn't involved oh no no no no no hi Dad congratulations yeah who would have thought that would happen not me careful do you are you on Twitter by the way uh I am not on Twitter I went on Twitter at once just to send you a message and then that was it we had a mini Twitter exchange oh yeah which obviously left a very Lasting Impression and that was it well well you should go back on Twitter scares me because of people like careful licorice I it's so rude who the hell do you think you are and it's creepy like I don't know what does that mean is something coming your way that you should be watching out for yeah scares me yeah a little bit no you say it we better take all of that out the show in case it's yeah did you went no I wasn't see that's the thing no no yeah well you would have if You' have come here I know yeah I guess so here you can have a bell and oh love the ding Bells yeah the ding Bells that's right that's right I've never Ballroom danc in my life that's really hard though what you were doing there that's really know it's kind of very hard it's kind of sexy though do you get when you were dancing do you get kind of like [Music] yeah a little bit it's you know it's it's so crazy look at the horse danc look at you poor thing where's its arms I mean I know horses ain't got arms but it's a horse leg y'all know what I mean yeah thank you for having me oh thanks for smacking me on the knee right there like that that's catnip for the ladies right there I point it right at them and they're like hey Craig and Jeff after watching a show last week I've decided I think Beth the CBA ex exac is very hot is she single are you single Beth I like snow for like a minute like I love to ski but like see that's not skiing this is not skiing ski yeah yeah this yeah I don't know I'm not sure that skiing either uh we should go skiing yeah yeah you you wear that dress and go ski and I'll be right behind you I'll follow you down the hill I see you have a little linkk here I like that I do I have a little myself oh you do up here and around here and various other places oh where the sun don't [Music] shine I'm Scottish the sun doesn't shine on me that's not a good look the sun if I go out it's kind of like if Dracula goes in the sun same effect here let me ask you about food in the bedroom what do you think about squirty uh I got a letter from someone earlier on I don't know what kind of food squirty yeah you know like cream and berries and such berries who squirts berries trained athletes oh right oh really do they oh oh my God no no they don't no no like cream cream cream's okay squirt but it's Valentine's Day so you can squirt whatever you want no you can no you can cream berries no anything goes no why not I it wasn't me it was her why do I say these things it wasn't me it was her one we have to speak German can you speak German I don't think I can how do you speak German well you just talk say just talk like this a little bit talk like this a little bit [Music] little I really am so I'm translucent honestly like with Dancing with the Stars before you go out they spray tan you so you stand there like a car not the cars stand but like you you stand there and they like spray you down are you naked when they're doing this maybe are you these people work with Dan with the Stars I didn't you just get married I did I did literally like two weeks ago over Thanksgiving congratulations that's lovely thank you that's it's traditional after a a wedding to you know take us some small vacation time yeah we were like we're sick of each other we got our whole lives together it's fine no we're going to take a honeymoon eventually we're both working right now so it wasn't possible your husband's an actor he's a filmmaker oh right so he's in the as well yes director writer nice that's good so he can direct them you can be in them and what about your new husband is he a ginger no so you don't like gingers is what you're saying I like them bald bald mhm wow yeah no not like that Jeff we found a new friend hey what you mean not like that do you like men to have shaved undergarments if you know what I'm say I said not like that yeah but I said you said no it made me think yes so when I say no it means yes no no no means no definitely but I mean I thought you were just going to play mind games with me there mind games no no no mind games so you like men to be hairy oh no you no it it looks very good I mean you do look well you do that like Pilates or something Pilates yeah you know what I'm saying I love your ACC something I hey it is right here Missy you're the one with the accent no no no you're outnumbered darling right y'all got my back yeah yeah but these people are all from the same town as you South yeah I'm fine with I'm fine with yeah they used to have a racing school and I went and I went round to the bank track how that work out I fainted you did yeah did you crash into the wall no it someone else was driving he said good he said said cuz it was like the first time he said nah he said he's your accent like yours he said I don't have an accent you have the accent right his accent was not like mine and he said he said orderly ding dong it's going to be WR there and and then and I I didn't know what he said so what what it was was he said the acceleration is is quite a lot if you're not used to it so it might have an effect on you the first time so he let it go and I went [Music] H hey you know what I did but I have to tell you you look what's like I'm going to go hot tonight baby look I can't I'm sorry I'm a passionate man I cannot keep inside me what I know to be true I look at you and I'm like damn that's what I'm a man B A man I might be a painted TV clown to you sure but inside these pants beats are thunderously impressive penis I think she's having a great time with her don't you a a penis that can steer a boat no less why do you have to make it so hard that's great that's great you're helping you're helping can I ask you a question do you prefer fat Drew Cary or the new handsome thin uh Drew Cary you know I I I have to say I like a little fat around I like a little love handle I have a theory about this not necessarily about Drew KY but but all uh relationships of a heterosexual variety okay I believe that uh male heterosexuals are more attracted to slightly larger uh females okay yeah got any cookies back there yeah yeah you want some tea uh it's true though I have to tell you that every time I eat myself up a little bit your husband get a little bit frisky yeah that's right he gets a little hands on I love it's great you see what happens is I think dress designers are like no you've got to be thin so that the clothes look like that but you see men who are not involved in dress design they're not caring about the clothes staying on exactly they like Baby It's You know and if it's too take it off yeah that's fine but the shoes stay on is that is that good yeah that's very good come on yes yes in fact let's do our own little PSA for sexual relations across the United States for the heterosexual folks yes ladies gentlemen well yeah all right know ladies ladies the shoes stay on the clothes come [Music] offs what I did was I tweeted that two things that have to why are you looking at me like that sorry I just melt my finger when I was on no I'm concerned for you keep your finger over there um you see that now you have you very good shape do you exercise lot um uh I have an Italian husband is that a sex thing maybe maybe is it is it a sex stamina yeah right what's goad baby you're looking crazy good tonight hey they're yeah no we uh uh I I I do a lot of of walking we're we're right by that's the best exercise you get fantastic we're in California The Sun Shines pretty much every day yep so you can just get out and and go for a really great one Hy Miss Pickler may I say wow wow I mean just you look Sensational you like a big present oh well thank you you're all glittery and well the holidays are right around the corner yes they are and I'm getting in the spirit right now the only one that I have down to a tea or I think I'm good at is my Minesota accent let's hear it then because my husband's from Bloomington Minnesota and so that's pretty good my mother-in-law Sherry talks like this and so um but where have you been oh we've been all over the place we've been to uh our last trip we were in Afghanistan uh Germany Germany Germany's a lot of fun yeah the Afghanistan not that much kiristan I think I said yeah they don't they didn't care for me too much where no they um kershan no we went to I think it's kirstan I I'm geograph I had a couple Jacks before I came out sorry how are you you look great thank you very much now you how long have you been married now already on that huh yeah just just trying to keep up on it see how it's going uh let's see it's been November December January almost four months okay that's the tricky period yeah it's it's starting to get Rocky you know come on you have a nice Valentine's Day first Valentine's Day married um yeah I I kind of dropped the ball Craig [Music] I don't think anyone would mind just pick it up and keep going I'm going to keep that in mind next time no no U he you know I woke up in the morning there was this nice little box next to the bed you got me this yeah it's beautiful box balls I can't get I know I know so so he got me this really beautiful necklace and then suddenly went oh we're doing gifts uh oh I I didn't I didn't get him anything oh no you did but um of course what do you want uh award pause mouth organ or the big cash prize I hate the awkward pause choice I did the cash prize last time so you go the cash prize again well no I think did you win yeah you bet you did um I think I want a mouth organ and I can't curse in Portuguese but I can say that that's why we have it right no so you want a mouth organ then sorry so you want a mouth organ then like dogs the other Studios were going to go Bo as long as that's not the one you were using before no you get a fresh one look you just open up the box and you get one on your own look I get to open a box and take out a mouth organ really don't say it like it sounds dirty actually do say it like it sounds yeah no can you play because if you can play you can win the goldon M well which way do I blow how do I blow I think you know just fine uh imagine it's Valentine's Day you woke up and you forgot to get a present all right touche touche seriously that was too much was was that too much yeah bit yeah a little bit too much sorry made a s life though ready but they they spray all of us because if I didn't have a spray tan my dance partner would look like he was dancing by himself I'm like see I'm like trans I'm so pale are you in spre time no then well you can't like scrub it off overnight it just kind of has to flake off it's gross sounding ain't it but it does have you if you've ever you ain't never had a spray ttin you need to come to Dan with the Stars yes I do we'll give you a spray ttin I'd like a spray T I wouldn't do the show I can't do that oh you have to no I can't well we'll do it like you don't have to do it on camera but just to we just come over for a dance yeah are you saying come over in my place and I'll spray you with tan and we'll dance cuz I I cuz I'm coming I am definitely going to do it all right it's the date are you you're here La do you like La more than New York now no I'm kind of the this you know it's chicken and fish it's uh apples and pears it's um you know men sex with men or sex with ladies it's you know I'm European [Laughter] originally it's not cheating if it's in the Tootsie fruty it's the second night of sweeps this is the night when America is watching should should I just leave no no you're fight and actually to be fair that's true no it's not no it well it depends I don't know do you uh do you have um do you have a husband or a boyfriend or something uh nope no nobody loves me oh I don't think that's true I think you knock it off I I I I think that perhaps you very picky is that what it is well um no I think that the recent guys I've dated I think that when you see their behavior you realize I'm not so picky because they kind of turn into jerks and you're like oh I guess I like jerks really yeah they what what I find is that um they're awesome the first date second date and by the third date there just like a they're just not nice they're not cool and a lot of them want me to like not work anymore which I actually would by the third date they want you to not work anymore the first date with this one one guy went on a date with not that long ago he wanted me um he told me first day that he's ready to have kids like like now that's a little needy yeah yeah and my uterus just shed up and ran away it's uter us not uteru no it's not my joke it's not my joke it's not my joke I saw it in the Simpsons it's not my J but I like but it it may not be a joke but it's something that seems like it's very like a very powerful statement for you you verying no I don't mean that a little bit I mean a little bit all right so he wants to have babies on the first day maybe well he just said he's ready to for a relationship and all that right away and I think that what's frustrating is like when you date sometimes we guys think that just because you're the girl and like just because I go on a date with you or or kiss you or have sex with you that all of a sudden I want to be with you forever because I just fainted inside the guys think that cuz they think oh you're the girl and I'm the guy and and I just the thing is that sometimes you're the girl and I'm the guy that's just how it is sometimes like I don't really want it sometimes I just need you to sometimes you just want them to be quiet be like sh stop talking so much be pretty I love you you did it to me too you did you made me needy oh I think what happens is met with that certain men will go what the H how do I behave here um well what they end up doing is they try to make me feel bad about myself instead like you know try to put you down so then the end they're like oh I need you to make me feel better and I just go oh mm- not playing that game yeah well not I will not yeah we get together at guy clubs and you know you men aren't that complicated we don't think of that guys are more guys are more complicated sorry I was pointing like guys are guys are more manipulative than people think and and and I think this I I think all guys are can't wait to have a girlfriend cuz they really they love to have the girl that's there and have the best friend and and guys are more needy and they become they start to play these games and they're just like I just I'm the one who just throws my clubs down and walk away I'm like I don't want to play I won't play you're the most awesome girl in the world well you shouldn't feel bad about yourself at all you're awesome oh oh I I don't just at night when I'm alone yeah I know I get that feeling too so listen K we're we're out of time we're out of time but I'm not done [Music] talking okay uh well I have to leave when you go just uh turn out the lights and uh I haven't got to talk to Jeff here hey baby hey I'll go scy diving with you I did it once all right it's the date all right girl but the show is very scary and your your second name's banana that would like well you know yeah you're not very evil in real life are you a little bit I am a little yeah a little bit evil yeah yeah a little bit evil I find that quite sexy you do I don't know why see I feel like if Betty can do this that I can do this too no Robin did you want to do it you know I'm I'm fine I should get everybody no no Robin Robin's too perky she wouldn't do that she'd Pat it she'd be like G Willer yeah yeah she'd be like yeah yeah they' be like that and Betty sort of did it like a sort of yeah yeah like she like you who going who I'll have to get out my VHS tape and send it to you actually I I will if you want I have you ever done that taken photographs of yourself naked and put it on the internet no of course but you've probably got a fancy phone right I do I have I have the iPhone yeah okay I believe that's one of the many products available sorry yeah it's good my hands are sweaty so it's a little bit oh there now now there's makeup on my trousers well that's how you know I was here oh I wouldn't forget so um uh what you've got an iPhone right so do you take photographs of yourself and send them to people like me for example I haven't sent them to you yet um but yeah I do I do it's a selfie is that what they're called self yeah which just makes me uncomfortable to selfie I think that's a weird oh no you should embrace selfie I think it's a weird thing to you know # selfie it makes me a little uncomfortable that's that's on the Tweety yeah people tweet it but people do that on Instagram they they take a picture and they're like selfie Tuesday and I'm like you're just narcissistic Wednesday yeah just like little bit yeah I guess but but I mean to your gentleman friend you I don't I don't have a gentleman friend at the moment no at the at the moment there's a person I find interesting but I haven't really I mean send him a selfie yeah I could do that yeah well it would do that face again oh yeah there's L of banana right there this is why I'm single I'm telling you I because because I don't have you know I'm thinking about Betty White being you know Golden Girl Sally or Rose whatever her character's name was right and I can't remember it was Rose and you know there was B Arthur right who was DOR right and I feel like I'm a little too Dorothy and not enough blanchy and I need to try to find some way in my life to get a date so I have to try to like let a little blanch into the world which is not me I don't know how to do it oh yes you do you're doing it right now you're doing it right now look what you yes sitting right there with your dress and your thing and make on my touching my hand my knee and I'm like well I don't know nobody I'm just saying nobody ask therapy therapy therapy all right all right I'm the therapist you're the therapy okay all right so let's talk about this uh gentleman that you like that you're interested in uh and your inability to uh let him know about that yeah uh-huh uhhuh um let's see what are you afraid afraid of rejection yeah yeah let's go with that I'm afraid of rejection but you're an actress you've dealt with that in your life many times over and it's fine no that's true that's a nice thing to bring up no no all the times when I haven't been successful no no no but that's just it's like that's just like it's like baseball it's like you swing and you miss it's all right it's it's not a problem okay so why can't you apply that to your personal life I don't know you well you can you see you can how well you let the gentleman know that you like him by some way which allows you to retain some dignity or let him that is maybe the problem right right so here's what you do you say something like um hey I've got a thing to go to at some point in the future want to come with me there that's yeah simple as that it's that simple absolutely what am I doing wrong then because I've done that and nobody really takes the bait now I I ref I ref I I I'm telling you I've I have not been asked I've never been out of the house this is a phantom thing that's happen no i i people don't ask me out I don't know why I I don't I don't get asked out a lot it's maybe because I do that face like this no no no no I think you've got an odd perspective on it do you you meet actors a lot don't you I think it's cuz I don't leave the house a lot I think it's are you are you a bit of a shut in I'm a bit of a shut in yeah all right I don't that's going to work I don't go to a bar I don't go to a you know and you meet a lot of people at work and a lot of them you don't want to go out with tell me about it yeah not so this is where I think we're at the problem is I think you've you've set the standards a little high okay and lower the standards well lower the standards a little but but keep them high for later on you could lower the standards for a date but keep them high for in relationship or marriage right so you say okay well I'll go to an event with them but I'm not going to send them a selfie or maybe I'll send him a selfie but I'm not but I won't go picture yeah I'll try to look a little more alluring yeah know you're very alluring good morning good morning what's the problem why don't you like good morning morning this is this is this is what happens in the morning good morning but wait it's the morning so you slept with him yes oh maybe that's the problem I'm too easy interestingly interestingly the audience applauded the idea like yeah oh easy oh good job we get somewhere yeah even the Canadians are like well okay then that's we're in America welcome Elizabeth thank you will I call you Elizabeth do you ever shorten your name to Liz or bet uh I like Betty I've always Betty's a nice name isn't it I mostly go by Liz though Liz my father calls me lib with a B why he likes to be different I don't know right okay did he have a cold at one point in his life and that's got me some medication daddies have names for their little girls and that's his name yes they do yes they think you know what I'm talking about it's a whole whole different thing you're talking about there Libby uh anyway um no it just gives it body oh right that's what I use really oh lots of body in there go nuts and yeah and he's got the keep your he's got to keep his pulse up and you had sex with him to keep his pulse up I did a good job right I I I I didn't see that movie to make you very tired nursing it does yeah my wife says that too I mean is she I'm having some of your snake drink okay then is that a bad thing no now I'm scared no you go right ahead looks like water looks like water I'm going to try some do you try something then and the snake is facing Me Maybe yes he is we'll do it this way [Applause] [Laughter] that's not what I thought it was we were right back Celly I think hair plugs are the way to go same way I feel about breast implants well be careful right well if I had breast implants or or if I knew I don't actually know these are mine I am I uh are you no no I am I don't have any no I I but but it's all going on fine it's a don't mess around with anything that's happening there you're good yeah would you ever do that no I I wouldn't no no you wouldn't have I mean they feel funny they [Applause] do when did you feel l talk slowly it was when you hugged me oh not mine no I just don't think people need to know when I'm going to the restroom what am I'm going to Tweet like hey I'm now moving from room to room I don't really know what I would tweet people what do you tweet people I would like to know when you great we're out of time that's it yeah yeah why is it go by so fast if I could tell you the M of time woman have said that to me I think they're all they're all small tasty fruit balls yeah but they break apart in your mouth in a really kind of unpleasant way you don't like that no well what do you like to feel in your mouth this is a perfectly legitimate question to someone who bases their diet on tax J what kind of texture do you enjoy crunchy you know sort of reliable reliable it sounds like you eat Tweed no but you know when you when you [Music] what well we better talk about the movie then so in the movie know stuff happens out B yeah it is no I've never been to Australia it's nice if you ever go uh look out for these I drew a little face on them I get attention these are um they're they're test can I say testicles yeah yeah okay yeah you can say yeah yeah you can this looks so like a happy um set of bus just go say say after me my okay here wait okay do it again okay here we go all right okay go a dingo a dingo stle my baby what's interesting is that on our on our first show in Australia we'll piss off the entire country oh my God this is amazing I feel bad about my favorite show ever is your show oh no mine is the wire what do you have a look yourself up in the internet and check your films no because I'm too afraid really yeah I just I don't want to look at myself on the internet do you look at you in the internet yeah crap is not is not a swear but you just can swear on TV that's so fun you can just say whatever you want like if I I you know you just yeah yeah go ahead if you want go can I okay no I want to I want to okay so can I you can I got that was kind of fun I know it was fun you know you don't even need an accent the way you used to be it sounds good so are you going to play the harmonica no you are later okay good okay in Portugal so your London friends come to Portugal well because they everybody and who brings the Hat this is pre-plan oh my God no no um you're really really very very attractive you know that it's true you really are um so I had Jingles once I heard but he didn't go all the way around this is my new thing to get women to like me I had shingles once play with it um don't touch it until you've earned it like you never said that in your life all right so you're lucky you're very attractive I tell you that and so am I so um Iceland is in the North Atlantic its capital city is Rik give or take 25 M hour give or take when playing bad how fast does a well hit shuttlecock fly over the nck shuttlecock fly over the night is this in miles or or miles per hour or kilm per hour which would you prefer I can do the math in my hand we do miles per hour miles per hour certainly so how hard is a how hard shuttle [ __ ] your wife must have so much fun um there are you going upstairs or downstairs cuz I would like I'd like to take a nibble of you where going I'd take a nibble of you downstairs absolutely the CVS sensor is not going to like that that has no double meaning I'm talking about a shark working in as a servant in a in a large country house we're out of time we were out of time I'm going to make sure to wear close to shoes next time I come here your sure that's good that's a sexy shoe you're wearing right now I mean it wouldn't be sexy on its own it needs you in it but it's it's good you flatterer yeah yeah but that was really fun cursing on your show I want to do more you can s okay go on maybe I should think of a different one though now you see now you're in my territory I I that's the pain I'm in I I you it it's kind of like sex you do the same half a dozen things over and over then you think I really should do something new but I can't think about mouth organ or awkward pause uh awkward pause really yeah you surprised me interesting you thought I thought mouth organ all right give me mouth organ all right then I'll give you mouth organ but first here's the harmonica okay you know my dad watch it was a joke it was a joke I didn't mean it J I couldn't I'm stupid I'm sorry I didn't mean to be too great it's a stupid joke I'm sorry Mr kunas here we go all right take your time take your time don't just rushing there blowing and sucking and chewing take your time I I'm telling you how I play harmonica oh my God all right you ready no we're going to do a nice I'd like to do Walling Matilda for our new Australian viewers all [Music] right what what how do you what is your criteria for kissing what what makes a good kisser that's hard to say I mean Min bre this is one of my favorite topics actually is somebody who's who we think of as a lousy kisser like if you you kiss someone and you think they're not a good kisser right is there somebody else in the world who thinks they're a great kisser or do they just need to work on it because I know what I like but what do you like a little bit of everything yeah yeah little bit of everything a little bit of that not too much too much and and not like not like the snake tongue like no no no no not the fast one just the little kind of like that I know I kind of like I kind of like that too cuz if you just got a tiny little bit of Tong you go you are naughty yeah a little bit a little bit and then a little bit more and you know yeah but we're just talking about kiss that wasn't going on to the other [ __ ] slow down junior daddy takes his time do you always make girls turn this red when you interview them on this show yeah yeah I do actually yeah yeah are you still a stripper in this one well I'm pregnant and I guess you know I'm a Suburban Mom oh we didn't get to see that but yeah my dreams came true if you had to describe yourself this is you right not your character but you if you are you more stripper or more Suburban mom not actually not actually but like in the way you think well but don't you think every stripper dreams of being a Suburban mom don't you think every Suburban mom dreams of being a stripper that's true I mean I think you got to have have a little bit of both right what I think we're saying is women are complicated have both yeah they're they're not just one thing they're many things and good drivers too yes so Europe's Portugal's the thin bit on the the edge of Spain right mhm oh what did I do you're doing that kind of mm like woman thing like you're doing something naughty and I don't like it it's not what you said it's how you said it well I said that I'm just kidding that's what we're going for tonight I'm really sad economic reports and female body parts apparently what I was I said that I didn't say anything I oh yeah that glitterous thing I say a there it is there it is what why is that rude to say that let's demystify the glitoris that's what I say wait wait wait wait wait I think I freaked myself out there I'm terribly sorry I went too far so no I never said it was r it's oh God last time I was here we were talking about bat crap and now we're talking about clitorises is it well you see while we're on the subject is it clitorises or clitor well I only have one so I say clitoris this is so awkward guilty about it I feel like you should tip C I feel like it's rude if I were sleeping I wouldn't want somebody to push me over I'll bear it in mind I uh you remember that I well thought when a woman wore a red dress she was sending a signal what's my what's my signal I don't know I'm asking you uh I don't know maybe do you think about that when I uh no I like the color right I like that too do you like my dress I love it I mean if it was on its own I don't think I'd like it at all but on you it's spectacular I mean if it was just there lying on the chair be like oh there's a red material on you would like it on a chair yeah you would like it no I guess maybe it says I'm sassy it does say you're sassy it says you're as cute as a bug yeah yeah I like it I picked up on the lingo it says I'm single I'm sassy I'm on the prow oh you're oh on yeah do it do it it's rough do you believe in ghosts yeah why that's just I'd ask yeah I do do you believe in ghost yeah yeah I think I think my dressing room here is haunted why I don't know I'm just scared to be it alone really do you need someone to help you maybe just a cuddle I hear scotsmen are really really cuddly yeah there they are the the Twitter do you go on the Tweety Twitter thing no I probably should right so I heard this funny story today that some guy accidentally say it say well since I can curse on your show I probably tell the story he accidentally twittered his thing to a bunch of people he meant to send it to his girl was this guy a congress no someone's telling me the story he meant to send it as like a sexy photo to like this girl he was seeing but he Twitter he tweeted it have you heard that story no but can you tell me where where I can look at the picture I know right yeah aren't you curious yeah a little bit I'll find out was when he tted the picture was he um relaxing or thinking about his girlfriend well probably he was thinking about his girlfriend I oh boy that's see that's a picture you I don't can you imagine if you thought I can imagine actually yeah yeah yeah yeah have you ever done that what taking a picture of my peeee yeah and then sent it to someone and then you didn't get any of the picture session that's quick that was good yeah yeah I know I know every now and again out of time so we have our traditional uh you know getting out of here we have a mouth organ okay or awkward Paws okay or uh touch my glittery ball I want to touch your ball well here the thing about here's the thing about touch my glittery ball we haven't really thought it through other than it sounds a bit rude to say it that's why I want to do that one yeah all right but it doesn't I mean it's anticlimactic I mean you touch the glittery ball and that's it okay as long as you're happy about it then uh okay wait until I give you the phrase all right okay Mr bus driver touch my glitchy ball whoa whoa whoa whoa slow down hey he are you look Sensational I dressed up for you you well I if this I I'm you I mean really thanks for making a lady feel good well thanks for making a gentleman feel young again but I heard you just had a baby I yes I a couple of years ago that that why would that spring to mind though because you're young you just had a baby oh you can have them very old now I I yeah no you and all I have well I don't have to do much that's true try to remember what I did have to do I remember listen what else you been doing you have a nice summer um well I went on a yoga retreat I'm obsessed with yoga so for me fun is going on to a beach somewhere and doing yoga for like 3 hours a day sometimes I'll even do yoga for five hours a day is it like Sting yoga like with sex involved or just regular there's lots of lesbian porno sex on the yoga retreat I think I should do more yoga I'm feeling a bit stiff no have you ever started the monologue and thought I got to pee right now I found that hard to believe I I I've actually just peed you've got a light colored suit on this yeah I I I I only if I'm wearing a dark suit then I'm just like Let It Go you're a young woman you should be in Paris getting attention from what am I going to do there eat snails what am I going to do Paris look at it's the time of your life young woman in Paris this is the time to do it French guys come over like yeah that's the reason not to no but they'll pay attention to you it's nice it's fun you enjoy it and then you can and wear a scarf from nor if you go to Switzerland you'll be fine what about um what other parts of Europe are interesting Italy did you go there I well I flew into Milan oh I've been there pretty cool airport good pizza that's all that's all you want to to the airp pizza at the airport well IPR on a pizza I felt like I saw a lot what about ruic in Iceland you ever been there no is that cool no I've never been oh Jeff oh hell yeah I got a place there how does Jeff go everywhere yeah how do you travel Emirates yeah yeah that's how I pr I heard the laugh I heard the laugh in that one yeah no he he doesn't really travel more than 12T from an outlet really he lives a fantasy life where he has uh homes everywhere but he never really leaves the studio that's so sad it is sad but we're making a horror film about it you're going to make so much money oh really Hey listen uh we got to go but um congratulations on the film I mean I'm really hearing a lot of uh like oh this is awesome and woo stuff off that's how you know I mean it do that I don't know what that means yes you do I'm going to focus on the words I'm going to focus on the words and not on the hands there you go um that's always the best thing to do um what do you want to do awkward pose fake argument fake argument no you don't I can't believe you you don't love me enough h no did you did you go Spanish were there did you have Spanish yeah I had a few I had a few love affairs I'm known to be the international I like you so you like to have international love affairs tell me did any of your Spanish boyfriends have a mustache um one actually I dated Mr Madrid for like a half a second right and then I dated a matador you dated a matador I did indeed shut up [Music] girl I mean I can't believe it did did did he have the big tape pant he did and he wore them like you did back in Florida which all kind of like I am in this yeah no it looks good it looks better on you than it does on a m door now but the many people are yeah that's right yeah with with the swinging and the to we needed you as a guest star on that one I I would have you can do that for as long as you like I do you want to do this awkward POS or not cuz we're running out time um oh I thought we did it that wasn't it hey hey it was awkward for me hey okay when you get done you'll know you you this isn't there no doing Matador pauses now this is Scotchman pause longer don't know if this is technically a pause I think it's more of a flirtation either that or you need to have your eyes checked I'll come on another night yeah you can come back though if you want yeah I'll come back anytime you want oh really yeah yeah thank you no thank you all right I get something else I want to do oh am I involved yeah may we just met GRE yeah I know but you know sometimes you know when you live as close to Danger as I do when you could be gored by the bull yeah exactly that's what I was just thinking [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] yeah you look great cat I mean you look oh yeah really good I mean excellent yeah you look like have you been working out I have but I'm also wearing a girdle me too are you really yeah hey news flash actresses wear girdles all the time really yes a I thought it was Spanx they were now is you're wearing an actual girdle with a thing it's a Spanx like takes Spanx to the next level if you have more like why am I talking they tell the secret well you brought it up you said that you were wearing a girle I was like well I'm not going to let it go okay well some of us you know like donuts I get it you eat donuts you need a girdle I like I I you know what's happened to me I don't even eat donuts anymore and I still need a girdle are you are you vegan now I've gone vegan I'm totally V I'm like from planet Vega are you sure about this yeah it's a thing I'm doing it's like you know when I became you know a Hindu well listen I support veganism it's just that it's very difficult to get all your protein you'd be surprised really yeah no it's quite simple really yes legumes how did you know my secret name no I uh you I don't know I think it's all right I mean there's beans and stuff you know that's what a legum is what a bean yes well then why didn't you say it oh you had to say it in French cuz you're wearing a girle oh legumes we're saying legumes now fine J to say qua okay calm down sorry I'm very feisty since I became a vegan I know I have come a little bit like that I feel like I have more energy have you ever done that no you seem horrified by the very idea I'm just well my general issue is that I'm always exhausted maybe it's cuz you know of all the donuts that certainly processed sugar I bet you yeah yes but I'm addicted well you know whatever you're doing I think you should keep doing it though I don't think you should be changing stuff around I'll try not to no don't no just keep feeding it just oh donut another Don do you ever uh do you talk to Donuts when you eat them I like my Donuts so fat their holes are closed does that make me creepy I don't know that's gross really how do you like your Donuts then thin with a the big hole uh uh Yes actually uh okay fair enough so um how was your how was your Thanksgiving was it good did you have a nice time oh yeah oh it's it is yeah yeah it's yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I had there was a lot of traditional uh you know Jewish traditional Jewish Thanksgiving is a traditional Jewish thanks just like regular well it's just like regular Thanksgiving but with more complaining oh I that'ss naps no naps is very popular it's the tryptophan in the turkey yes yes do you know where also there's tryptophan bananas what I know is that true yes really bananas are the uh legumes of the turkey world but isn't it are you supposed to like get up in the morning and like eat a banana and like go on for a run or people who are not me you right right yeah well yes yes AR supposed to give you energy and potassium but well there's potassium but there's trip toine it's kind of like Nature's speedball it's like did you ever you ever you never did speed balls did you don't because you end up hosting a late night show and you don't know why uh no it's it's kind of like it's got the downer and the upper mixed together to give you that kind of weird vibe that's why you know monkeys are so hairy yeah they're always getting real excited and they're going to sleep right which is what you were complaining about except for the excited part am I a monkey how many bananas do you eat in a day not very many well then no all right but that's not the only reason there are there are other reasons why did you look at J I don't know I feel like it's doing something over there no just just hanging out just hanging out I'll be your monkey he likes you very much I know I love him hey Jeff hey what did you uh did you do Thanksgiving Do You observe it I did yes I did I I ate my good friend Alan yes he a good friend have you been I haven't seen you for how are things going on the Two Broke Girls a half they're great yeah they're great good because I'd heard there was a lot of tension so much tension you know what we're shooting with uh this week who it's a car that is a very it's a $500,000 car it's a Lamborghini it's so quiet in here well every just was thinking is it the Batmobile is it K from Night Rider what is it it's just an expensive oh just an expensive car oh fine fine so you're just showing off it's not actually like it's not my car well do you have a car I do you do oh you do large and over decent hardworking Americans who don't have cars what did I do to deser oh no I'm kidding what kind of car do you drive I know exactly don't even tell me it's one of them things that doesn't have any gas in it it's not true at all really I'm an awful awful per just a terrible person well here's the deal right I have a cat I know okay and I well I'm no surprised is what I'm saying what are you trying to say I'm saying when I look at you I think cat well in so many words yeah I like an SUV right to keep your cat to keep my put my cat in when we go to the vet you go to the vet alot is is your [ __ ] sick all the time what well I'm asking about your about your cat forget it forget forget your cat don't forget your cat no you must what's wrong is your cat she's fine oh okay good good I was worried you I thought you'd left her in the SUV no that's bad you must that never I'm trying to defend my non you know priy car that I own but I've scratched the out of it so wait a minute before before you bleep it man look at her just give her what she wants just give her what she want what do I want what do I want well you well you know you wanted to say a naughty word I would let you say naughty words especially when you're talking about your cat you're did your cat scratch your car this cat scratches my car all right okay oh of course yeah cuz your name's cat sometimes I'll be going past a wall and it's too tight and I'll just keep going you know you have a contempt for the laws of physics which I find beautiful oh thank you well I'm just saying you know what are you sure the show's not going to keep going cuz I'm sad about it why cuzz I'm going to miss it well you know we could have our own little show you can come in my garage and uh I'll do the show in the garage all right yeah nothing wrong with that that'll be fine that'll be great nothing creepy happened there let's film it on our phone yeah Doom yeah what are you doing are you zooming things on your phone is that you zooming things on your phone that's you zoom oh yeah let me try it okay doesn't work you don't even know where that is d That's the iPhone 6 Plus yes it's too big camera's good don't look it up oh go we have to uh we have to take a break what us together yeah I want us to see other people just a short time like 3 minutes all right all right we'll be right back [Music] [Applause] we just renegotiated and it's good it's exciting but you got to be careful with it cuz it's a trap it's that Buddhist thing over hey what's up sorry we're having a very intimate discussion wasn't that intimate for legal reasons yes no not at all not at all no no it's fine so you're putting up some shelving then yes oh all day all day all night just shelves shelves do you do stuff around the house on your wrong I do do you really wear little daisy dukes and get up the ladder and do all that just say yes I'm an old man sure yeah all right yeah Bermuda shorts Bermuda shorts okay I did just buy a steam cleaner a steam cleaner yeah is that the vacuum cleaner with the proper amount of suction yeah well I don't I don't have a housekeeper just you know cuz I'm how many people don't have a housekeeper yeah like you you have a house nobody has a housekeeper like me girl I clean my own house it makes me feel very you know connected to my floor no I tell you I and I believe this to be true I don't think you really feel like you own anything until you clean it I agree I that's my thing that's my thing I like I got a cleaner I clean my car I clean other things your children of course I clean them well you know I throw them in at the bathroom good luck no no they can they're can of s contained after a while yeah yeah not like cats cats clean themselves I've seen them do it what are you getting at I'm getting that that's not cleaning yourself like people who have cats are like oh he's cleaning himself he's like he's licking himself that's Recreation what I got my kitten and she was being tiny and adorable and like licking herself I just wanted to see what it would be like so I licked my arm okay stay against FL no and and and tell me what happened after that my arm felt gross that's it that's the story that's the big story you were keeping for your last appearance on the show I licked my arm once and I didn't like it I didn't say I didn't like like it oh it just felt gross if it just the the the aftermath was kind of [Laughter] gross then let it dry all right oh man smells like spit I'm sorry about this I'm not I'm totally unrepentant anyway we're out of time do you want to call anybody phone a friend take a Lifeline what what show is that millionaire oh that you like that oh millionaire yeah property show yeah well um celebrities call in all the time name a celebrity you would like to talk to and you can talk to them no matter who it is okay what the hell you looking at me for I'm just saying all right all right you might not expect this one Jeffrey yeah I don't know why you're talking to me but yeah they might call in does that does Christopher Walkin have a phone a too easy a come on oh hello [Applause] hello it's Christopher Walkin who was wondering if your kitty needs a banana stop calling in Miriam sorry I'm sorry about that I'm sorry I apologize kiss well we're done that's it we're out of time so you can get out of that girdle oh thank God do you just wear it for the show and then like do you bring it in your car listen sometimes if you're in a tight dress and things need to I know I don't wear all the time I know you kind of I just kind of left my body after the cat looking story I was like oh that was wrong I shouldn't have said that we can cut it out oh no we can't it's why right [Applause] back no shut up no how did that go CRA no come on I mean it was a genuine honest mistake oh man I would have gone with you yo Jitsu yo Jitsu yeah of course I went the wrong way around got myself in a whole mess of [Music] trouble hello mag hello wow you look Sensational is that one of them Swanky designer dresses I got all dolled up for you well it's really working you really look well thank you I mean well done and the show congratulations suits it's the number one show on TV thank you I mean it's crazy it's like people are going crazy for it and I love it because it's got that thing in it what what thing might that be the the suits right and you're a fan of Suits yeah I am I I I well I wear a lot of suits in my own life so I you call a show Suits you know that's a certain fondness you have for it now just by virtue of the name yes I've never seen the show what's it about what's it about um it's basically about this guy who's pretending to be a lawyer he's not really and how he's making it in this firm I am the love interest oh are you a lawyer then no I'm a paralal well well that's the same as a lawyer except you jump out of airplanes right that's it exactly no she's trying to be a lawyer and I hope that she can be that at some point but for now no the lowly paralal what about uh you have you ever studied law or went to college or an ke I uh I did go to college I went to Northwestern University that's the big one well thanks my par my my parents were happy with the choice no it's a it's a I don't know that one no uh but that doesn't mean anything I didn't even go to college what did you study at College I double majored theater and international relations and then I went and worked for the US Embassy for a bit and uh where in Argentina and went that's Sensational you speak Spanish I do now but they speak a very different kind of Spanish it's castano so it almost sounds like Italian yeah yeah yeah exactly but oh I'll do finger pist but Roo and toot and finger Pistols that means I may or may not be excited sexually that's me giving a secret sign so that everybody knows that I am actually excited sexually if I if I you know if I ever meet you anywhere like in Starbucks and I'm naked and stuff and you think I wonder if he's excited sexually if I go like this I am do you identify with downstairs people went out and ab a shage or upstairs who are rather terribly B uh I don't watch it but I've been both upstairs and downstairs I didn't mean that that wasn't fair what you mean it it wasn't fair you did exactly you did mean that the mugging no it wasn't I didn't I didn't mug I just did that so it's it's kind of an interesting thing so movies now are like you know shoot them up Rock and sock them you know or kids which is fine yeah uh you ever done one of them which one well the 28 Days Later thing that was uh that was good fun lot of zombie action in that lot of zombies in that you took your complete clothes off you you went Phil Kardashian in that movie yeah I did do that yes thanks now everyone will be like Googling that right now find it on the internet you don't necessarily have to use Google you can use whatever search engine is legal on CBS so do you have a pet I I have a cat yes oh really a cat you said yes I do what kind of cat he is a ginger cat you have no idea what kind of cat he is so you have a cat and you live in London and you have children I do how many I have two boys that's enough yeah it is I have two boys too do you how old 13 and three oh wow this yeah Scottish people ejaculate once every 10 years it's like you know these big orchids in the jungle that once every 10 years just like that and whoever's around gets pregnant and that's I thought it was the same with the Irish um it can be I think uh yeah I got lucky I guess um yeah what age are your kids they're they're nine and seven so so you got right back to work yeah yeah it took two years but I did it so yeah I know good for you and that's it no more so your boys go to school there are they going to be actors do you think I don't know I don't know would you like them to be actors I don't think you can really stop it can you no you can't uh is the thing I mean yeah as long as they're not gos I don't mind not what Goths Goths as in gos oh Goths yeah yeah oh we don't do tages very well in Ireland no no and I've been here so long that I didn't understand a word of what you said I saw you in the Entourage I watched that show did you the Entourage yes I watched the Entourage with the all these lovely the boys yes there they're all quite small um you can't comment on that but I've noticed that they are whenever they're all together I want to just you know give them a hug yeah yeah yeah they are lovely you know but you playing someone who's very tough and I know I hadn't seen that actually it's a little you know aware of what you're doing while you're acting no that's what makes you so good you jump and then you kind of come to the surface but I hadn't seen it it's always weird watching yourself you don't watch yourself on TV no I don't like to sometimes you have to to correct it and to know what you're doing and it's not night do you like watching yourself no I don't watch this crap no I I've got cable I don't watch this H La I'm kidding I don't have cable I uh so uh you're living here now then you've made your home in Los Angeles yes I still have I still have my family in London but yes I do I mean yeah by your family you mean uh what four or five children working up chimneys my two husbands two husbands yeah polygamy I believe in it much like Gaddafi oh no it's all right you can see it you like about Gaddafi where did he go I I don't know I think he's probably if I was condalisa rice though I'd be checking under the car and stuff until yeah that was a weird yeah that's a weird one is that's weird yeah if that's true do you have any weird stalker fans who are also dictators of uh African countries no do you have any Weir stalker fans I hope not no anybody ever sent you some Anthrax for example no that's heavy but I hear you snorted it I did yeah yeah how was that for you that was that good the old days no no I no in the old days I had no idea what it was when I was snorting thanks yeah we should be best friends I think we'll have a little broccoli slumber party Megan's also my wife's name oh a is it really mhm does she spell it with an h no too poor as a child they can only get the five letters could I'm afraid we can't afford the extra H you can either keep the child and lose the H or keep the H and lose the child whatever you prefer amazing they kept her and now you have the Good Fortune of having her Megan no h Megan no h That's What I Call yeah it's just a joke baby it's a joke oh no it's fine fine we'll just call her Meg then we're both in don't call her Meg you does like you like getting called Meg yeah I get called Meg nutmeg all nutmeg all right let's do an awkward pause and get you out of here ready yeah I've been to Scotland I went to Isle of Sky oh that's very close to Ireland oh my gosh it's like it's so beautiful there yes it is yeah yeah I every time I think about yeah that's true and we were I know oh my gosh well I was there during summer too so it goes on all [Applause] night all of a sudden I just went back to the Starbucks and I was thinking of drinking but then I was drinking coffee in the Starbucks it's just sorry but anyway um anyway it's the red hair you see yes it is uh well there you are then so what's your summer been like then well and you know um and and very Fierce and and then he just I suppose expanded that and created right and goes into his own ran CL if you like what about uh the horse riding you do some is that you riding that horse that is it's not is it no no it is it's it's a real horse um and um you see that yeah yeah they do it right yeah he's uh he's real horse and uh he was um yeah we had to I to do back r i saw in the very first scene of the first episode when you ride it cuz my my my wife is big on horses and she's watching she's going oh he's he's good he can actually do it I was like oh so we get to watch it then well it's it's the it's that classic actor thing of you know do you fence do you ride horses do you drive a car yes of course I do but you don't you know I can't do any of those things can you drive a car I have recently learned how to drive a car is that true yeah it's because you live in London yeah yeah see I in London there's no need to have a car in London it's a waste of time it's just a way get parking tickets kind of whereabouts in London do you live General kind of uh I live in Queens Park do you know I used to live in Harland Road really yes just next to the subway station the London Underground that is mad I used to go to the uh the discount chicken place right on the corner it's now uh Mr fish oh well there you are I although and I'm now a vegan so I can't yeah do you ever do that you ever do the vegans no I'm not I I can't I was vegetarian for like like 12 years what happened bacon sandwich no it it was it was uh it wasn't the bacon sandwich it was I I went like I went venison I had venison yeah you flash bastard I know and I felt amazing afterwards what you ate Bambi yeah for 12 years you didn't eat meat and then you ate baly it tasted so good we'll be right back with Kelly and Murphy everybody [Applause] [Applause] welcome back everybody I'm here with Kellan Murphy and we were talking about the peaky blinders which is the best show in television with the exception of all the great shows on CBS and but you still live in London I do and do you make the show in London or do you make it in Birmingham no we we don't make it in Birmingham because the Birmingham of that period was just doesn't exist any bombed existing I suppose planning as well raise a lot of it to the ground so we we shoot it in Manchester and Liverpool right the uh the because the the accent the Birmingham accent is actually very hard it's one of those ones that people if they get get it slightly wrong they go into Pakistani yeah or South African or South African is like hello I'm from Birmingham how are you doing yeah it's a tricky one it's a tricky one it is and it's to sort of make it sound cool as well or not cool but you know if you're a gangster it's important to have some element of yes not that we for a moment suggesting that a life of crime is cool no no no no no no no although we don't make movies about people who just live normal happy lives this is it J read a script and go nah this guy's too much of a bastard I can't do it uh yes yeah you you sounded to me like a calvinist are you a calvinist no I'm not no I'm not cuz that's very Scottish Well jean kavan was actually French but we well exactly I'm suspecting your French vocabulary is slightly limited yes is a little limited I stopped at 16 right forgive me I learn no I anything yeah um um no not calvinist um I I wonder about free will you know I I wonder about it I don't know I don't know either I mean sort of well doesn't that prove in its own way that Free Will exists if you think about it yes if you think about it I suppose if you question it I mean we have the choice to make tea in the morning or coffee and I suppose that's free will but I think it it's limited Toronto Canada yes that's the big one the land yes I know a lot more about maple syrup now no actually Toronto I think very International City really isn't it yeah it's a very lovely Place almost as nice as Montreal I look forward to the Leos Canadians but where are you from originally I'm born and raised here in LA Los Angeles yes I'm one of the five you can pinch me I'm real see oh yes no I'm I'm from here I'm from here no I just wanted to do it again um strangely hairless body you have well you're quite the dolphin aren't you it's not easy being I tell you you're absolutely hairfree well are you are you a a competitive swimmer I am not but if I were to be one I think I would get some speed there that's what you need to do if you're a competitive swimmer shave yourself entirely okay good I did that once in Canada I did in Winnie Peg once I was yeah I did I was snow in I didn't know what to do so I shaved my whole body that is just a really I look like a giant baby just swimming like that yeah yeah giant swimming baby giant swimming baby yeah it's like a call back where it all begin you you you grew up here I did are your parents in Show Business my dad is a DP yes I uh he was the lighting director my dad of Photography my I didn't mean to make it sound so it's all right I'm just it's fine you help yes thank you has he been on anything I would know uh there was a show called Married with Children do you remember seen it yeah absolutely yeah so uh I grew up on the set of Married With Children every day after school for 10 years I was there wow I know it's a very perverse place for a little girl who went to Catholic school no less to grow up because I'm there in my school uniform right and then the guest it's a joke it's a joke kind joke um um and then the guest stars would be like Tracy Lords Tia Carrera you know these yeah those are some some some women yeah um and so yeah they must have been interested in you walking around in your little school girl outfit did they think you were working on the show perhaps uh thankfully no come on I Curly curly hair and Gap in my teeth and yeah did you see the rest of the people on there show yourself up in Fight Club I knocked myself like in that there's a scene where you actually beat the crap out yourself and I hit and I I we we the the blood obviously is fake but it's sticky and uh there was all this fake glass around and it didn't it it ended up being one of the big laughs in the when I kind of came up and there was all this fake glass stuck into the blood on my hand and it and it always got a gasp and it was totally by accident have you ever you ever had blood and a cut in your hand I yeah I I I had my period where I you know put my hand let me let me rephrase that strike that was the I don't know that Johnny Memphis cares to hear about your period uh yeah that's uh well you know actors are sensitive that's going to happen well no it's you know Dorothy Parker said scratch an actor you'll find an actress yeah yeah yeah well there you are there you go no no a trer word said all right yeah I've just moved here on a whim you shouldn't do that I really yeah I moved here from Scotland on a whim look C happened to me it's terrible like I came here when I was 32 and and uh yeah and and now I'm 50 and I'm stuck here oh gosh no it seems okay I well basically I was in Alabama oh I love it there yeah I really liked it there it's nice yeah and then I was like I can just stay in the country so I just did you got to get a Visa no I didn't that I didn't oh you did here legally oh okay well you're very smart too that's what's making me feel stupid are you intimidated by stupid man very that's why I'm so nervous right now no you're not nervous come on are you uh are you nervous I always get nervous yeah here there's an audience stop it you just uh I no I'm it's like an episode of say by the Bell it's great yeah it makes me feel bad I think sounds like pity do you like pity yeah a that's nice the Italians and ghosts and Alive people so um yeah but when I was four we moved to Staten Island oh yeah I quite like Staten Island you do well the bit I've seen it's which is the pier and then going back the ferry yeah I went on the ferry cuz it was a bar I used to drink in on the other side of the ferry oh really yeah yeah I used to take the ferry over and get smashed in that bar and then come back sounds like a lovely evening it wasn't bad some evenings the sea got a little rough yeah oh now car I know my dad was so worried I'll bet your dad was worried I he be I'd be I'd have you under armed guard and then you moved to London how did you end up in the Doctor Who thing um well I um I just audition for it actually like any other job yeah and um and then got it unexpectedly no it wouldn't be unexpectedly to me oh no thanks no if you were auditioning for Doctor Who right now you should be the doctor they should have a female doctor I think is that possible can you have a female T well of course he can you know he can you know change change into anything yes I mean you could have an animal as the doctor oh well I don't know about that sorry no I mean you can go too far you upset me I thought we were friends but we're not friends good do [Music] hello Anna Hi how are you I'm great thanks you you are great you look Sensational oh thank you no you do you look very nice I like your shoes I noticed them when you came out gold shoes kind of like Cleopatra uh yeah the last time I was here you you called me a mayor and I thought you meant a horse and a May yeah you said that the necklace I was wearing made me look like a mayor but you meant of a town you were trying to compliment me yeah I get nervous do you get nervous when you receive compliments from creepy old men in dark rooms like like this who yeah yeah oh you look nice can I stroke your hair here you you're not American I am officially oh I guess so yeah yeah I got my tattoo and everything oo are you going to become an American I don't think so okay I'm just going to reside here for a while I see you just take advantage of our freedoms and then go back home essentially yeah that's fine where are you living H Los Angeles yeah in Los Angeles but people um people get mad yeah people got they said that I was um you know releasing propaganda for the Obama Administration I was like it's a sex tape people light up would you ever uh would you would I ever do a sex tape well you know um why not I'll be honest um there might have been a sex tape that that yeah but here's the thing here's the thing it was on VHS I I got I can I can transfer it for you really but I think I mean before the internet I'm that old I mean I'm 41 this year no way no way 28 I oh thank you so it's all the boox an escaped bear is in [Music] la oh Ken Karen that's very exciting that you're here to me I love the Doctor Who as you know yay that's what we like to hear and you've got the DVD I have got the DVD I actually had it before you turned up nice yeah know I went to the store and bought it myself really did you no but but I I did get it's look at that picture I can't believe this happens to you on the I was complaining the entire time because I was too heavy for him right he's a thin gentleman yeah I mean very attractive but he's got that kind of 1970s David Bo thing going on you know that kind of I'm Doctor Who yeah yeah see that it's lovely to see you and your nails are really blue wow look at that have you've gone show business I got them done professionally did exciting yeah was that the first time no no no you get it done a lot yeah so you're telling me you're in al-Qaeda I want the bunny again no it's all right it's all right that's nice though what have you been doing in around Hollywood then have you been immersing yourself in the life to have here no no um I'm I was born and raised in Maine and uh I I don't do much outside of my house do you I'm kind of a Hermit Maine's good for sailing do you like yeah no I didn't well I think you need to grow up with a little more money to sale I see sort of a what owning a boat is part of that so I didn't do that what about um potatoes did you have any uh potatoes sure there you are then you were a millionaire if you had potatoes where I'm from if you had your own potato You Were King of world you were like Trump you know you could write your name on it oh my potato yeah and you could sell your potato AC course small inland T do potatoes float potatoes do float yes they do many late night talk shows will tell you potatoes don't float but you don't listen to them okay you ever floated potatoes and by that I mean something rude maybe maybe [Music] haa or the calini what I do haa haa which is kind of like the one everybody thinks of right it's the truest form of of oh now you're going to get angry letters angry tweets well you're not going to get angry you're going to get Serene letters yeah it's all about meditation and connecting the Mind do you want me to hold that rabbit for you no it's mybit right okay about the rabbit yeah no it's fine the rabbit's having the time of his life I think all right listen we're out of time do you want a piece of fruit or do you want some kind of party thing um I don't know a piece of fruit yeah why not all right uh do you want uh you want a part do you want a party hat we lit the tree tonight oh yeah all right here we go oh wait how' you do this that's not the way is it that's good that's very good that's very very good right I need to pick one for a particular reason well you know I always suggest that well I think you know what that is it's a turnip oh is it no it's a coconut oh yeah what yeah it's a special uh show business coconut I don't know should I crack it open yes all right then absolutely all right right watch it is that is that expens you wait until it happens then you scream premature it's never going to work out for you in horror pictures if you don't right you ready okay is that your dress uh no it's borrowed go for it all right who's that at the door uh oh yeah there look there you go you can have it g everybody have to stand naked while two women like apply it to your back which is a really uncomfortable experience sounds great to me if I don't have to do that again I would rather not well I mean I think actual pregnancy is probably you know similar that's difficult certainly I I don't know I've never experienced it but I heard a lot about it while it was going on I'm sure yeah it's a it's a thing do you fancy having kids I mean not now tonight but uh serious um maybe I don't know I don't know maybe I haven't thought about it I haven't really thought about it you're a little young for that that business yet what is you 26 you 26 I mean I didn't mean to ask your age that's why I was moving off it I mean I wouldn't ask a woman or agage obviously but I did on TV yeah on TV that was kind of stupid wasn't it it's okay yeah I'm feeling very stupid tonight I think it called Christian she smart she's very clever I've always been very stupid when I talked to her and now and now it's just stayed with me no one else bothers with learning either get a car and you know the driver test here is super easy I heard that oh I did it you drive around the block don't shoot anyone I think I could do that yeah it but people talk about parking so much here parking parking yeah it's the top of conversation is parking well so why I don't know I hear it all the time and I'm like why are you devoting your time to this I think what happens is I think what happens because you're very beautiful and striking women guys come up to they don't know what to talk about so they go you parking you parking all did you manage to park okay Ken I don't know what to say I'm from [Applause] belum Hello Anna what's going on hey I haven't seen you in a while you look Sensational oh thank you sir very nice now tell me about this I I remember this film was before my kids were born it was a book that you know it was an instructional yeah yeah I thought it'd be easier I thought I'd just be reading the book Morgan Freeman style but I had to like act back to story line there's a narrative sort of they made a story that's like making a story out of The Joy of Sex that's a good movie yeah you and me no no just producing it's going to all right I I would produce the joy of say yeah not creepy about that at all we can we can finally explore the rubber chicken thing no no don't what don't don't say that okay [Applause] [Music] [Music] Karen Karen Karen it's lovely to see you Karen I'm 6'3 I'm taller than you yes you are look at this I have the biggest shoes in the world they're pretty big shoes so let me see yeah wow yeah you look good though is it do I look a bit weird like no no on the contrary okay me and the Belgian boys are like what's up the Bel yeah that we right yeah all right my Belgian homies what's that yeah that's right flag of Belgium is it yeah yeah if you hold that and wave it you'll make the news in Belgium tomorrow really right so have you ever been to Belgium I haven't you disappoint me Karen I'm sorry I hear they have great chocolate they have fantastic chocolate and very good beer and very good uh fried potatoes really yeah but [Applause] you a right there yes yes very good oh yes Karen I've seen your television show before I know a little bit about it so you know not many people do know I love Doctor Who uh I'm so excited to meet you it's a very big anyone who works in Doctor Who I'm very cuz you know Matt Smith was here he came on the show yeah he did you're Scottish of course all right all right here quickly take this back to Scotland okay thank you give it to my family okay tell them you met me in an alley somewhere which technically is kind of true yeah are you enjoying America is this your first time here um I've been here a couple of times before actually we shot U the the the two opening episodes for this series of Doctor Who in Monument Valley in Utah Utah which was very exciting Indiana Jones was filmed Indiana Jones was filmed there oh yes oh yeah well there you are then do you enjoy the Indiana Jor I do although I got a row the other day because I like the I only saw the last one first and really liked it and everyone was like no that's no the the the Crystal Skull yeah the one with the the one the last one with the when everyone's like that one yeah no you have to see the first one where you know and then the other one yeah yeah I know I'm really sorry at least you're getting some advice yeah yeah well we've come to the end of our little chat fancy an awkward pause I do so do you really all right well we let's have one then f [Music] an a kendri everybody Anri no are you do you think do you act do you act dumb around men so they're not intimidated by how smart you are uh I haven't I haven't I haven't tried it yet does that work would that work for you yeah oh I don't know anything about cheese oh cheese is I know all about cheese then you get to feel good about yourself what we do all the time oh I don't know anything about shoes oh let me tell you about shoes oh shoes then men feel good about themselves it gives them an interaction I'm learning a lot from you're learning a lot about things this is What to Expect When You're expect who else is in this film oh all the people everybody all all the actors uh really what about have you got Don Rickles in this movie sure yeah yeah yeah yeah Rickles that's I love Rickles mhm yeah well we've got we've got uh we've got like Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz and Chris Rock and all those like one of those movies where they're like all the all the people are in all these people one of those movies yeah oh do you do all the stories uh mix and match and cross over each other yeah I love well yeah I mean you know whenever anyone was in town they'd just sort of say like uh and walk walk through frame when they're having like an argument so I just like walk through like I just happen to be at this bar oh and then it ties it all together yeah oh that's nice is your leg okay you're rubbing your leg no it's fine all right is that a nervous habit you got yeah I'm really nervous really oh my God yeah that that doesn't make you nervous some mad stalker up there going or cacti make me itchy and then other cacti just excite me all right we're out of time what you fancy uh mou organ awkward pause big cash price definitely big cash price oh good for you what time is it sh St it's time for the big cash price big cash prize here's how it's done um two ways to win 50 American dollars in a bag with a dollar sign on it um in quarters that's great uh yeah do you drive yeah well then you then you can pay use this to pay for your parking I can't wait well who says you're going to win did you bring some people with you all right um two ways to win you can either answer the question or guess what's in my box here's how that works I imagine a box in my head but I don't know what's in it only Jeff knows what's in it you try and guess what's in it and if you're right you win the money and if you're wrong something awful will happen or you can answer a question um I can I'll guess what's in the box Inside the Box even although yeah yeah but if you're wrong something awful but you can't tell me what it is I don't know what you don't have anything you want to think about it you really think nothing well maybe the awful thing has already happened uh all right yeah you can guess what's in my box are you ready yeah okay okay I'm imagining a box in my head do you have the box oh yes I [Music] do do you have what's in the box Jeff yes I do all right Anna what is in my box is it a horse inside of a horse costume Jeff is it a horse in a horse costume we would have accepted cacti in my bed but it is a horse in a horse costume we're out of time we that's it we're done that's it yeah yeah yeah uh you are lovely how are you handsome too really thank you I'd love you to say that again later do you wear Underpants with your killed no never okay no that's good yeah ho rockers Kathy you look Sensational I'm going to split right out of this dress for you it's a it's a snug fit you got going on there it's uh that's right whoa Anything could happen this thing could rip right off or you could do itow San Antonio is the best Mexican food really ever do you like Mexican food you make I'm I cook my food time can you really cook my God I so hate your husband right now yeah I I you look great now you know I'm all dialed up for you yeah I love I look I have prostitute shoes on nice yes have they got clear heels um no I wish but I would put a little guppy in there for you if you like no no no I don't put any guppy and I have no underwear and I'm getting ready for the crot shot at any moment be like this one or this one or but it's going to be naughty and a ratings Grabber all right then do it no these are very nice though are they are they a special designer or something I don't know all right you just they just tell me to put them you're just rich and you don't give a rat's ass this has our wedding date tattooed on his ring finger cuz he never gets to play uh put his well yeah he couldn't yeah yeah that's good though that's good that you got a tattoo on it cuz you can't go like there it is like bam you're very clever I'm clever well yeah I do uh this is Kathy new say it say it sucking it for the holidays yeah I like your shoes too with your lovely these okay these I know these are Valentino I just got them really yes and Valentino was good right they're brand new look oh my God the oh the stickers on it oh awesome show me how much show me how much it was like oh my God oh my God is that no no that's bad luck oh cuz you're Scottish yeah you can't put shoes on the table it's bad luck but oh my is that for one or both it's for both that's you get paid that I just put them on right now you put them on i' have them in a safe they are pretty though they're handmade they better be pretty for that you don't get Bodywork done do you I know oh no no I've been to the dentist That's What I Call yes a lot of the ladies in Hollywood have had their dental work and maybe had their teeth cleaned and so yes I've been to the dentist I have Staples in my head like I'm at Office Depot all right um I hear they have a very good tattoo parlor in San Antonio I I've never gotten a tattoo in San Antonio have you got a tattoo anywhere everywhere really where where are they they're strategically hidden they have to be I mean my all the time for him I just opened a Mexican restaurant here in La really but you opened it just like a celebrity appearance or you actually own no no my recipes and I cook all the time so I thought I really wanted to do a restaurant yeah that would be when can I go come on now okay we have to go there's kind of nothing she doesn't know she's a little frightening that way yeah but she's got this odd kind of sexuality that I found I was going to tell me more about Afghanistan I know tell me about these aren't those fun fantastic yeah let's just keep them like that they could be earrings um they're just my bracelets do you know what they look a little bit like uh you know nuts or I mean you know for bolts bolts no the bolts the thing that goes this way oh this is this is a nut and there's two of them yeah that's right some you got some very basic mechanics going on there that in fact this the nuts and bolts of it right there I used to I I I had a I had had a kind of a bad boyfriend and I used to say to him you know I could put an ad in the paper that says I golf I fish I cook and I can hit a baseball and I wouldn't even have to say that it's me so you should stop giving me a hard time you should I just put an ad out is the ad out where do I say who did you play in The Young and the wrestling Isabella Isabella oh yeah that's right she was good or bad bad oh bad B yeah you would play a bad girl wouldn't you I always play the bad girls it's cuz I'm a brunette a brunette's evil yeah they always usually cast like dark hair bad guy blonde hair good girl see I'm going from bad to good please check my Twitter page you can me check me on Twitter anything else you want to talk about um let's see what do you want to talk about oh well you know I I feel like you know I get enough time on the show I tell you what my eyes twitching a little bit I noticed today you're lying that means you're lying I haven't even said anything though I mean sometimes it Twitches when I'm on my I'm lying to myself on my own no it just means you're lying what does it mean when you're stroking the chair like that what does that nothing it means the chair feels good yeah well you can take it with you if you want it's probably about the same price is half of one of those shoes you in the movie because you play a stripper do you do a lot of sex in nudie scenes well I strip do you really do you take do you go f you know you know what I mean you know do you do you absolutely take all of your clothes off I um no I had a very very very tiny g string on that's okay I can deal with that I mean that's that's chefs I always find are a bit uh highly strong right they have uh I mean not not Todd but I've heard that oh come on Todd to no not come on he's a jerk admitter no I was robbed I lost and I felt I was robbed and I felt I was penalized for having boobs because I was the only girl and it was a bunch of hot gay guys so so my life on the D list I'm telling you is action-packed this year don't act like you ever had to perform on a plane I'm just going to ask you where I get a ticket to get cuz I now you don't know anything I don't need I don't need a blue card to talk to a woman that looks like you I can tell you that do you are you interested in any way in wrestling do you enjoy wrestling perhaps maybe with another girl in a strip club or something if they pay me really follow me on Twitter at Kathy Griffin I I I twatted about you today we did I did I'm totally a 50s housewife like I love to sew and cook and clean that's my that's my passion I'm I I find myself unable to go yeah but uh you know for legal reasons but yeah that sign it sign it sign it or something but yes they're very gent is it wrong that I got a little turned on when you did that sign it no you're from Texas right I'm Mexican descent though oh right okay so do you say you're Mexican or Texican I say Texican Texican people keep saying I'm pregnant that because I've gained so much weight I'm like a size one you how could they say that you are you pregnant I'm not okay no no but I mean you don't look pregnant but I just thought you know people give me the tabloids and stuff they keep saying you know well you know it's true if it's in the tabloids that's for sure that's true I hope you know this I stole your studio what the old Studio you like a thief in the night what have I been coming on the show seven years oh nine I think acting all nice and sweet the whole time playing no that's not true you have not acted nice and sweet sometimes I've actually made you spank me I know I've done that okay um oh wait a minute wait a minute you don't think that no that was awesome I I didn't feel that one was as good as the last one we'll try one more all right then I get some Traction in sure go ahead it's almost as if I never learned my lesson I have to present the emies this year do you yeah it's it's the only way I get to go they don't give tickets easy no no no I talking about nomination but I take your point yeah thank you D all right Eva thank you so much for coming wait I want to talk about something else oh okay yeah no I was saying do we have another guest tonight forget it that's all right well okay well if they're coming forget it they'll have to go they're going to have to wait no do you ever really forget that do you think when people come up and say things about desperate housewife do you ever forget I do forget like if I'm in a I'm in a grocery Mar or something and people are staring at me and I go what yeah and they're like I love your show and I'm like oh my God thank you thank you I know it's like what what is it oh yeah I'm on TV I forget I do forget no I cuz I don't like to be people were staring at you before you were on TV come on no oh come on creepy guys in the supermarket you tell me he that was you yeah that's right CU my hair was different then but now you remember that was like a 1930s movie do it again that's right I know everything that's right I know about you I reading the newses nothing get past me these Gams if these Gams could talk you'd be 6 feet under trust me I find I find that quite erotic when you do that we can do a whole film Noir like a sex tape of film Noir I like this no one's done that no one's done like a black and white grainy sex tape they have green they have who I'll I'll give you a website I like the stop the turn and the stop and I want to see the full package it's not just up here it's down here too it's it's all over it starts there and it just keeps going and then it gets to the bottom and it comes right back up yeah like that you look great well thank you you as well no you're very Christmasy do I look like Ben Crosby little bit you do you actually do a little bit for you it's George W bush yeah all right when he's that close like did he like grab your ass or anything like what you know what you know I'll tell you a story this is true he's gay I knew it I don't know but so you're confirming that you no I'm not confirming anything knock it off interesting no I I think he is too he's like a bear like an old school like bear daddy type of a g well there's a lot of categories go ahead Craig no yours is more interesting than what I was going to tell you did you change your hair uh it's spikier is it really yeah well you've never seen me before I watch the show oh oh gosh I forget sometimes people do that yeah since it's since it's lesbian night oh [Applause] yeah everybody likes lesbians okay hey if you don't like lesbians go and join Al-Qaeda that's what I'm saying because I am telling you all you need is a financial good sturdy lesbian to turn this country around in days did you say I anything about my normous oh my God I I made this gesture I made this gesture it's lovely to see you again you just look at you're just Heavenly thank you just a very beautiful girl well I was just helicoptered in really yes did you arrive by helicopter I did do you go everywhere by helicopter I do I I don't like traffic um really do you think I should dyet no I love salt and pepper really like George Cooney that salt and pepper he's gorgeous isn't he G he is what is the most common thing people say to you when they see you in public oh Cheeky [Applause] Monkey is that wait is that cuz you're a very sexy guy is that code for here's my key cuz that sounds like a code I really hope not cuz sometimes people approach you and if that's code I'm like oh no I wear like 10 different hair pieces and wigs and and all that fun stuff I change like 12 times on the alma a warts because it's uh we try to celebrate Latino designers ah right it's like gay NASCAR cuz it's like it's like we off with the dress and the who whoa whoa whoa you had me a gay NASCAR I'm there where do I say I want to talk to you about this Lattis work across your my yeah it's fantastic thank you it's Carol Herrera very expensive it's great thank you very much and I brought the lattice work to you because when you started reading for a book The very profound statement which is I've had liposuction and I can't pee yeah um I thought that was one of the more moving passages in the book I was wa did you get to the catheter oh don't somebody check my bag um yes this book is out there I'm telling you you enjoy yourself with that Em's oh my gosh what a dish Fest all right so it was it was B I was so bored oh you're so jaded I am you are so you're worse than a jaded old lesbian I am hey look at me look at me just picture in your mind look at this go that a little bit with your eyes Liza Manelli see show exactly show you know that tells me that tells me it's time for a sex tape yeah that's how you get in the book honey um it's not easy you got to do a sex tape and then you've done a sex tape with flavor flave I'd quite like to see that I'm open to it I'm trying to give people to buy the darn book no come on now this book it was a number one New York Times best seller okay but wait it gets worse my mother has a book currently out called tippet and it is a salute to boxed wine it's on Hollywood Boulevard and uh I go to Hollywood Boulevard alot now we're in the good part of Hollywood boulev not that part right what that part's a good part too don't judge do you make fun of Oprah as much as possible and Gail as much as possible those two dudes have been happy together for a long time don't don't look like they're going to save you you looked over there like somebody was going to save you on your own show you you AR uh notoriously an alcoholic like your mother though no I've never had a drink in my life as a matter of fact yes it's true I find that deeply suspicious it's you should be you should be suspicious why are you frightened of it do you think I'm frightened love letting go anymore than I already do no that is I I just don't think it would be a good idea so you're completely abstinent in all things drinky drugie well drinky drugie yes but I have like a problem with like um dnut Holes movie you uh you play uh what do you play a stripper I do a dancer they say a dancer a dancer who takes your clothes off that kind yeah that's pretty much a stripper then yeah did you did you go to strip clubs and stuff and yeah that is so awesome who did you take with you cuz I would have gone I'd with you I had so many volunteers and here's another one yeah it's too late now you've done the movie yeah well never too late really so it's still you want to go to a strip club I'm good let's go get a tattoo I don't care well I car with Jeff you what I cared with Jeff you really did yes I was wondering why he was so sassy tonight Jeff puts out that's what you don't know dead ass where long were you in the so proper I was on on your noes for 3 years and then I got fired really what far just the story line ended oh yeah yeah yeah that's right what happened no did you enjoy the strip would you did you feel uncomfortable in the strip clubs um well I've I've been to strip clubs before that but not as frequently and why curiosity really yeah but what about yourself no never no no you're married now you'll set it off it shocks me if I even mentioned stripper it goes like that you look absolutely lovely you look wonderful how are you thank you oh thanks oh you do you look just lovely you look good too thank you very much indeed I try my best you know I uh I do a lot of the Pates I'm I'm uh what do you do to them I I get the Pates and I bend and stretch and I scoop you do yeah apparently yeah I think that's what you do with the Pilates that's what I did it was fun we saw Denzel's House Denzel Washington I know who Denzel is like oh Denzel mccaffery how many D House are there I we saw Mark Mark walberg's house and yeah they were you know you it's illegal to take helicopters and Buzz around people's houses you your people did it really I thought I was surprised that he knew who the helicopter guy he was like that's so ando's house and I was like where's my house where is where is your house it was it was further east thank God you don't you don't live near Denzel no any of the Denzel [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] no I just randomly found this one today in my bathroom and I'm glad you like it it's really I'm going to make it my 211 Cent 2 21 2011 oh 2011 you know what I mean I it's that kind of perfume you're sitting right there you get the sparkly dress on you smell like you do you look like you do I'm kind of like it I love this cup yeah go ahead f it no I just want to hold it oh my God I'm holding the snake okay yes exactly okay do you do you have a snake no I no you should do you have any pets I have dogs yeah would you you want me to get a snake I'd like you to get a snake Okay okay big long snake bit of dancing with it bit of dancing around with a big snake like some did it in that movie yeah and Britney Spears did it oh Britney Spears did it as well yeah I think she was just doing it and they caught her she like oh H sorry I'm going to get a snake and I'm going to wear this perfume every day you've really helped me no thanks what what kind of dog do you have then I have a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel and I have a Chihuahua now when you say a Cavaliers spaniel do you mean is that a character description of the span yes yeah she's very is she very kind of like she's I don't have time for a Boone yes she is really no she's not she's just that's just her name it's a very long name but she's so cute she looks like Lady from Lady in the [ __ ] oh that's nice she's adorable but she she lady and your little out forther yes which would make you do you fancy a quick mouth organ you can't ask a girl that question you'd think not but there I go doing it again okay though I really don't know how I can't even it's going to be just going to be more fun watching you try hello young lady hi wow you look great I me great really vom how are you you know I'm uh a little less gay than I was during the last segment actually you're out of time very quickly awkward for M AR going touch my glittery ball uh uh what all at the same time how can I give my MTH clothes and touch your organ well no no you don't touch my organ you no you don't touch my with my mouth Clos no no no no no the uh mouth organ uh awkward pause or touch my glittery ball or a new one I've just invented creepy event which is when you combine all of them oh that that's the the whole thing is you went to an old girl school really how was that we wear uniforms did you wear a uniforms you still have your uniform I sure do in the box somewhere I'm a very creepy old man I it is always a delight to see you you look very well thank you you look very You're beautiful your hair your hair looks lovely and other areas of you look just spectacular have you been working out in some way you look very buff I'm doing a little poates yeah it's well it's working thank you yeah I'm having to do the guy thing to do that with my eyes cuz I keep see when guys do that they're not being rude they're trying to be polite and not look at your boobies does that happen to you a lot sometimes yeah are you are you a couple with that fell there he looks terribly Young no no no no I used to be his babysitter I was going to say that's he looks terribly young for not that I would than a lot no all the way suffer the pants I then you tell me I'm old no I never said you old I wante no under wear for you look where it got me the night is young you look fantastic may I say that look at wow that green dress that draws the eye thanks I'll be honest the green dress on its own would not draw my eye but with you in it suddenly there I am with my eyes drawn well listen we're out of time so uh what do you fancy mouth organ awkward Paws uh Freeze Frame high five or um big cash PR I'm going to go big cash prize cuz I can donate it to my to my fundraiser right now if I win so basically basically if I get the question wrong you're screwed and you should M emotional blackmail right there you see because you said oh I can give it to a nonprofit and I'm like well look you know why I you just take money just just take it take it you know ask me the question do you want it yes you would truly like scary David to David I don't want to go I'm not going I'm just you know you should go no I get scared enough look at I got got that [ __ ] over there scared I got enough scares going on in my life and then and then there's Beth right next to you see what I did you see what I did God both of you briide time nailed it nailed it well no you look nice you appreciate that can you eat six crackers in in a minute I don't know I think I probably could I haven't tried it it is interesting to watch people attempt it though it doesn't go well for anybody no I I think I could do it and look attractive really maybe when we're done we'll just go in the Green Room eat crackers together yeah now you're talking Vegas is cancelled Jack what's the name of your Pig p princess piget princess piglette is she a princess she's treated like one well what do you do to treat a pig you'll give it its own crap to roll around in no she's just treated like part of the family she sleeps in bed with me really mhm how many other animals have you got in the bed with you six dogs you six dogs and a kitten and I have two bunnies and two frogs but they don't stay in by with me yeah you don't want you don't want to you want to keep the amphibians and the rodents out yeah again you come to Vegas I was just in Vegas really what were you doing in Vegas I can't do it I just took a road trip with two of my best friends across the country after we wrapped One Tree Hill for the yeah driving across the country Oh Yeah from North Car SL baby slow down just pain manful picture where did you make the One Tree Hill again in North Carolina yeah so you going to that's why I wasn't here more often yeah now I'm home I'll come over all the time anytime you like I get rid of the robots help yourself you can have the podium I'm coming for you Jeff oh Mama oh Mama I am so not gay anymore oh I wasn't planning on marrying an American I mean it's still a bit hilarious to me that I've Married An American what what are the big differences in in your house then does I mean do you have you now accepted our Strange American ways can you oh yes you're one now I am yes I am an American citizen what are we doing about the accent uh I'm staying with it oh yeah car so I pull up and it's three chicks and jump out of a station wagon and a oneeyed Pitbull and the truck drivers are like what is your car but we like your dog and I'm like thanks y'all it was a really interesting experience they're just trying to talk to you cuz it's three girls in a car you know that they might not really like your dog they might not he's really cute is he really yeah a oneeyed Pitbull yeah yeah sounds adorable you got a fragrance out now is are you wearing it now may I smell you yes all right I'm just coming in to smell hold on W what a siren siren it's called like a a police siren like in cops no mermaids back in the day like the legend of uh ulses I believe it was wasn't it who he would hear the sirens and he would want Sailors would try and get to the sirens but they couldn't get to this but they went close to them and then their they they hurt their rocks or something something happened yeah is that what it is is to entice men to be uh dashed on the Rocks before you just kind of like be sexy and like godess so the three girls and the dog fary yeah the dog yes the dog farting the I I actually meant no not the girls we don't do that Craig I know that's what I like about you no you don't watch television no apart from this show stop two reasons why I know you're lying one no and two this isn't really television come on not television it's an experience it is it's it's it's like having a creepy guy in your house thanks it is it's like inviting a creepy Foreigner into your bedroom every night you know how many times that's happened to me what I thought I said cut why is there a light on the camera we're still rolling you me I'm on TV right now well you're on CBS past midnight it's sort of like [Music] TV oh I've never been on TV before I'm so nervous oh my God is it hot here okay actually it's freezing in here we we we do it so the audience doesn't fall asleep you're all right no it feels like a million a million degrees in here sorry is that water yeah yeah it's all right wa hey I think you have to turn it back turn it down a little bit I can't believe I'm saying this turn it down oh okay okay well now I'm cold so can you just grind your body against me for heat no okay only only for heat we're be right back everyone what are you [Music] [Applause] [Music] doing I'm serious I think of women as more cleanly maybe than men and I swear to you I have never seen the things that I saw in some of the bathrooms at some of these gas stations Across America tell me what they were Sophia get it off your chest okay I walk into restrooms and the toilet seats are covered in [Music] urine but here what do you scuba dive I don't I'm really frightened at the sea for some reason I mean I have like a real problem with the water really I think I'm a victim of Spielberg oh yeah so yeah and it's even fish like fish bumping against me I have I don't know why I think they would bump against me thought I scuba dive uh often did they bump against you yeah and of times they got and go have you seen Emily I wouldn't mind bumping against her and they all have slightly but they're perect and they have kind of Cockney accents which is weird they welcome to Hawaii ni say and then is he an Irish Labrador he is yes is he really what did you did you get rescue no we didn't we didn't right don't frown upon me do you have rescue do you have no I I you probably have pit bulls or no no yeah that's right I'm an American I fight my pet bulls Mah Harley Davis say wear my little tank dog is that come on dog is f it up I don't know with the tattoos it could go no no tattoos don't the tattoos are BR this this uh this is um hold on I'll show you it says Join or Die no way yeah it does that's a real tattoo that's a real tattoo I got three of them do you really yeah not all the same [Music] [Applause] [Music] St did your microphone fall off did it it did they wanted to hook it onto the back of my knickers but then when I heard you were Commando I the back of your knickers is that what they said well that's that's what they meant Oh what they they they ever say knickers here do they they don't no knickers is uh this is more knickers I'm sorry so anyway so they wanted to hook them into back of my nickers but then when you said you were going commando I thought I would too so there was nothing to hook them on so it fell out I just well never mind uh yours is firmly wedged well kind of where I would let's just say it's where I would park my bicycle in an emergency all right you tweet maybe you should ask him yes I follow you on Twitter you don't tweet a lot no I don't no I usually get it all out here and then go home did you ever have any uh experiences any experiences no but I've kissed a lot of women on screen God that's really yeah what on one Tre Hill no cuz I'm like really not there I should watch that more no not there but but I I I got to make out with Kate Mara on Nip Tuck which was fun cuz she's really beautiful and then I got to kiss my girlfriend Britney uh when we did this movie called John Tucker Must Die together yeah and it's weird cuz when we're out together a lot of people are like we just kiss each other again and I'm like really are we still like what's going on here like I don't think men grow out of that no we don't no well you see what it is is the the Allure and the the mystery of you know lesbian sex for men is this it's like girls who are sexually aroused without another dude in there wasting it for you that's what heterosexual men think so when you see two women like you know making out it's like look they're kissing and there's no guy involved that I could be the one to help them out yeah right yeah so I could get in there and you know man it up for everybody right I'm Scottish American if you became if you became an American you'd be English American English American yeah well you kind of are if you marry an American but you have to fill out all kinds of forms don't you yeah yes I haven't done that it's not that hard you can't just it's not like there's like name put it in date of birth put it in are you a communist no you're done that I thought that who's best Al-Qaeda or the USA USA you know that's it we we went around the country this this summer and we we went into public schools and renovated the school so what you just saw was um we went to Needles California and at that school they do a lot of um Body Shop work yeah and uh I know Suddenly It's only because I'm talking to you yeah everything's I know it's one of the weird things everything when you talk to me sounds dirty dirty yeah it's h yeah it's hot they do BU work I'm in an adult softball league I didn't touch myself when I said it but you were thinking about it though you were thinking about it Russ that was fantastic in that film you looked great and you were Shakespeare and Alfred Molina slapped you it was fantastic yeah like but that slap Craig the thing is that being the acting of giving a slap is essentially the same as giving a slap there's no margin I thought I better prepare by acting P but what happened while I was thinking that thought to myself privately inside the confines of my mind right was a genuine actual slap he slapped you he's a big man he's got beefy hands he's been here he's hands we about10 each it was awful they were like Dustbin leads cling in I acted there I I didn't even hit him right watch we'll do it again ion we please now I'm nervous because of how angry I am in this scene I'm about to slap you don't I'm going to there was no slap then no do it again I'll do the slap hand thing okay you betrayed me with my love interest no no SL that'll been all right uh I learned that uh we went too long tonight and we're the show is running approximately 3 minutes over I'd like to apologize to the network I'm really sorry uh but it's just one of those things one of those what did we say again Jeff one of those crazy uhoh things [Laughter] yeah good night good night I think you're just sitting close because it's so cold and he you trying to warm no I I mentioned this two weeks ago in the show I like to keep it cold in the studio [Applause] why yeah why why well they used to do on friends that's the the reason that's the reason why that show was so popular cuz those guys would come out with those tight sweaters on and you know that the guys would oh I mean the girls yeah wow hey you know I'm European the guys and the girls would come out wearing the sweaters no it's did you enjoy the show Friends I love that show adct to that show you didn't have a Rachel haircut though I have it now no no no I had a Rachel haircut you do on my chest yeah I was going to say hey baby what's up how are you what's going on hey welcome to the show that where we appeal to young people woo I love the way your hair goes over your ears thanks very much uh oh that's fa I don't think I'll be able to do this um I like your short haircut do you better do do you mind bald man following you no I appreciate it it makes me feel hot and sexy oh really yeah oh I like it when people go woo you doing hot lady I really want to have sex with you yeah I like it I think when guys slow down their cars and go at women in the street I always think what do you think is going to happen here like a woman's going to go oh wow your car's going to Horn so long loser husband that's actually how I met my husband really so your husband has a car said hey excuse me your husband has a car uh yeah but my a friend of mine really um a friend of mine had was you know just having the worst time of her life she couldn't get a job she had been dumped you know it was like she was down the dumps and a friend at her of hers had moved to London recently so she went to visit her in London have a have a big you know girly party in London so they go out they're having the time their laughes drinking a little they meet up with some dudes I like it I like where it's going this one guy um hits on my friend and she's like he's the perfect guy to meet when you're having the worst time of your life you know he's he's compliments her and he's lovely and he's into her and so they of course one thing leads to another criteria well they go back to its apartment you look Sensational I'm really into you yeah done sometimes that's all a woman needs wow so they go back to this guy's place and of course they do it and um the next morning yep the next morning um and the doing it didn't involve poop so the next morning so he wasn't German then in any way no no so uh he has to go to work but he says you know make yourself at home take your time uh have some breakfast and you know leave me your number I'll call you later it very lovely so of course she's like snooping through his stuff and she's like you know having the time of her life in this beautiful London apartment she's glowing from the night before everything's great she goes to um do her business her her you know daily poop all right and um you know it's reading it it's reading his magazines and having a lovely time pooping and uh goes to flush and the water has been turned off in the apartment building City there's no flushing there's nothing to flush you can't flush it so she gets a baggie well she can't leave it there so she gets a baggie and she Scoops it into another baggie come on you've all if you have a doggy you pick up after your doggy so doggy that's different it's own grass it's your own poop it's not like someone else poop no so this isn't where this is not even the best part oh really so she puts the poop in a bag and she ties it up and she's going to take it you know and throw it in the garbage so she cuz she's clearly not leaving it in the apartment I mean that would be a disaster so she writes him a lovely note on his kitchen counter and leaves her number and says you you know this it was so great to have met you I really needed to meet you at this time in my life and um she gets all her stuff together and she goes out of the apartment and just as the door clicks shut she remembers that she left the poop on the counter right next to the [Applause] note she never heard from him again I was going to say did he call her no he didn't call I just called her I said you are a freaky ass woman let's get it home oh guess what what I found out that that you take the organ out of the box and put it in your mouth For Heaven's Sake you look very nice on your red dress thank you yes and your lovely shoes have you got shoes there you are big hey look at those I know they're new they are yeah they're uh they're quite a dominatrix oh well thank you do you like to do do you like to do a bit of that you know um I've never really tried it oh you should well now that I have the shoes you know well you've got the shoes and I've been a bit naughty so well it's interesting because the reality show became something how we got where we are today is a whole other it's not really reality show is not I don't think so I think it's kind of an oxymoron right I mean is it it's like it's like when they say amateur porn they're not really amateurs everybody's a star yeah they're not really amateurs the people in the amateur porns they're just ugly professionals you know what I'm saying and I found out that like cougar love you cougar love me yeah of a certain age cougars of a certain age yeah how did you find that out then have you been do you have a is there a club for them or something no my friend Billy told me your friend Billy yeah who boy or girl Billy boy well sometimes Billy can be a girl's name Billy the Kid can I just tell you though I i' I've just I've been in I've been in stir yeah I've been I've been inside for a while so when I see a woman looking like you when I come out it's it's hard for me you know what I'll you like them creamy or lumpy o I'll go anywhere you want to go any anywhere at all and you want to plug a toe you know movie and TV show oh oh oh you know what I you know you know what I want to want to plug on my yourself I got don't just limit yourself to the arm there's a whole bunch of other areas you boyfri likes if I put on a little maid outfit and I get down on my hands and knees and I pick things up with my teeth but um you can do that here and go ahead help yourself is that boots with a zip up the front it is yeah I'm okay about that are you yeah I'm really okay now why zipper yeah I don't need a cheering section all right good have you got socks on yeah it feels good all right okay is that enough I that yeah I actually I actually I'm going to have to see a doctor now I had my foot on your desk my mom would kill me sorry about that yeah I think she might be more concerned about the uh you could hear me even if I talked really quiet sorry I missed that last part what did you say that last part there really all right okay what did you say again looking a little closer what did you say we were just talking about my wenus backstage your wenus well that's going to make the news what's a what's a weenus I was told that it's this oh when you straighten your arm you don't want to do that what you because then you see your weenus it's late night you know do I have a weenus let me help you with that no baby I do not yeah oh we touched our wies how are you my dear I'm fantastic you are look at you you look you look lovely you look like you're like a big delicious sexy salad that's a compliment that is a compliment okay thank you no you you do you look great thank you my my my nephew um picked this dress out for himself or you oh my God no no he picked it for you yes he picked it for me how old is he 30 you look great you're very kind and you're very handsome too you said that well on television yeah no you said it with your mouth but your eyes were looking a little kind of a scance yeah you were well you know across here perhaps oh what is that that's a snake cup it's something that us gentleman with the smaller penis used to overcompensate do you think we met we might have hooked up I don't I don't remember oh you [Applause] would when I come on and I see Craig and he's always really attractive and then I heard he popped out and Unholy spawn and I was a little bit worried because my friends who have babies oh no I've got two yeah two so you've popped out two kids since I saw you last I didn't I didn't physically pop them out I didn't no I've I've had one for oh hey hey I'm just so happy to see you cuz usually my friends who have babies they ate age like 60 years because it takes a lot out of you but look at you you're as dashing as ever but it is a well-known fact when men have children men have children it makes them more attractive to women because women say oh I want some of that look at that guy he's got children he has the ability to procreate when women have children the man doesn't want to have anything to do with them because they're like oh my God she reminds me of my mom now she's shuffling around all cranky in her pajamas and often I dream about the end of the world ahuh that's a sex dream so what about when I dream about sex that's a sex dream okay so what about uh sex dream yeah of course when I was married I would say to my friend I would say thank God I'm married men never hit on me and she said Jennifer they're hitting on you all the time you don't notice and I would say when did they hit on me she said a guy just walked up to you and said where's the water fountain and you said it's over there and I said he wanted to know where the water fountain is and I gave him the answer right and she said no no no he's trying to strike up a conversation when a guy says where is the water fountain they're saying I want to sleep with you are you game well uh yeah she it's all about my shoes you know just to look at just to look at well because I hardly when I'm on your show I get to wear them but at home come on right I mean you know no I think my image of you and my like your image tell you you wear this outfit in vacuum yes you're like I've seen that FR Mercury video maybe one of those little dagy things on your head well my husband's birthday is coming up you've given me a nice that's it that's your husband's birthday present right there that' be I noticed a new thing he cranked his chair have you seen this he cranked his chair way way up that yes but I'm slouching yes but that means that's that's insecurity usually when you on a talk show the I I know I've brought this up before the chair is way way way down he cranked his chair way way up so he could just look down my top so what's been going on with you well you know things have been up and down I'm still in this crappy job but I you know i' I've been okay things have been all right I I kind of you know I've been feeling a bit vulnerable still masculine you know but phone you look Sensational thank you it it almost didn't happen what what almost didn't happen cuz it's happening now for sure what what didn't happen um uh I we had a a wardrobe catastrophe I forgot my strapless bra and Georgie had to find a bra in there screaming down the hallway anyone got a 34d I shouldn't have said that H 34 34 D Dutch I'll just write that down oh wow here we it's 34 D don't do that no I'm just you brought it up I mean you come out here you start talking about your lady business I'm only I'm only trying to be helpful and and interested I'm trying to be you know I'm trying to make the connection in case I want to kiss you okay and this time the awkward pause has a sexual undertone I love it oh my God raising the stakes okay all right where what are your rules about men kissing you why R what rules do you have about men kissing oh but like for example if you were let's just paint a scenario you're in Houston Texas right you're working or something why would I be in Houston Texas me you're shooting a movie you're shooting a movie in Houston Texas it's a western right and your it's your day off you're out buying turquoise and and this guy called the Ian rushes up and tries to kiss you uhhuh what would be your rules before he would be allowed to kiss you well number one he has to be hot he doesn't have to be good-looking but he has to be hot no what's the difference hot means like you want to you know but I think Clint is with is hot ah now we're back to what's hot is he hot and attractive or just hot both you know he's like 80 years old right you know everything about bits of tape and holding things together don't you yeah yeah yeah I don't know what that means I don't know what it means either but I know that if I sit long enough it'll start to sound a bit yeah do you have any tattoos by the way you see that oh my oh yeah that doesn't B well for your wenus no yeah it does it's all in pieces yeah but the pieces keep going and keep going no they don't early days yet I just sat down where we're headed if I had a nickel for every time i' I heard a woman say that it's wrong no it's just I don't know because I watch a show all the time right I do I do and and um like like you're so weird and everything [Music] weird asn't creepy uh scientist weird or weird asn't I wonder what he's thinking weird no not wonder what he's thinking we weird like weird like goofball a little sexy but not too much you know make funny faces you know that kind of weird make you laugh late at night you yeah you bet I would can I just say how fantastic your shoes are I don't normally talk about people's shoes but these are Sensational my goodness they're so simple I appreciate no they they catch the eye thank you are you a big shoes fan um I'm guilty of having more shoes than I wear really you know I've never met a woman in my life who doesn't love shoes it's true it's a strange that why I don't it must be a hormonal thing I suppose I don't do you know what I thought it was this sounds this sounds a little kind of negative but it's not meant to be but I think women love shoes this is what I've noticed I think women love shoes is because the size never changes you know what I mean like if you like if you put on a couple of pounds you're like the shoes are still your friend there is nothing more attractive than a man walking through Walmart at 2 in the morning with a giant container of Pampers in his arms have you found that when you go out to buy the Pampers for your wife it's like an aphrodesiac and strange women come up to you and they go hey where are you going with those Pampers my mom kind of made this deal with me when I was like 18 and I started wanting a tatto that if I got one she was going to go get the same thing in the same place which totally creeps me out cuz I don't want my mom to have like a heart on her butt cheek you know that's not good is that is that what you were going to get well that's what I was thinking for a while but now you know it cre I'm going to get that now know that youday yeah I I attempt to Surf do you wear a little outfit for surfing um I happen to be wearing it under my dress right now really yeah do you want to see it yeah [Applause] I mean yeah I do want to see it but no we better not see it cuz I'd get into trouble wouldn't it be a good idea though it would be a good idea yeah but to wear your B no no that's inappropriate no it's not it be great it no it would be look it's the summer time yes it's the summer it's June after all it's June you're right it's the time of year for it we could we could have an evening where we all wear you're now you're being perverted don't take no no no it's not a good idea I know it was a bad idea no I should shouldn't I I should take my dress off shouldn't I you're confusing I know I'm trying you can if you want imagine being on a date with me okay can we can we now you can we do you mind if we look at the tonet you can say no but everyone will think you're a B atch I mean you can say no no wait wait I have like B bubble TOS oh right well then if you've got that then we [Music] must that's a very unusual condition that I have no okay gu Dar it here oh no you you don't have to I don't want you to feel pressurized to do this shut up all right there you go look lovely feet you have that's adorable I think you're being very tough in your tours I think they look lovely thank [Applause] you do you meet a ghost and fall in love with a ghost maybe no I don't why not because I'm married on this show and that would be a little too much that would be a love triangle between you and your husband on the show and then your ghostly lover who comes to you at night but I think but I I you have some very interesting ideas for our show I took a lot of drugs hey how's your foot you had a sore foot the last time you here it's good look there it is NI it's all right it's better and is it better all the way up your leg it is yes thank you well that's that's awesome it's quite a question thank you well you know I like to know that your legs are fine they are thank you they've always been fine with me oh how are well I I don't mean to concentrate on your legs there's other areas that I enjoy mentally as well you directed The Ghost Whisperer I did does that mean you get more money no not really but it was a great opportunity it was a lot of fun why is it a great opportunity if you don't get any more money it just sounds like you're they're they're doing what they do to me here they just make you do two jobs they don't pay you twice when I first got to the neighborhood this guy was like what's up cuz and I go are we related and um I didn't know anything about the Bloods and the Crips and whatever but like me personally now that I am allowed to have sex I like it that's just a different choice though no no I I get it I get I really like cuddling someone's squ oh the boobs bottom just a cuddle up so what about what about what about ladies you ever have sex with ladies too oh no Craig no no no just the F that's good big pair of hairy boobs and and and a winky and no not a winky hey you're all right here do you want the thing I keep this sometimes if some of our guests are a little yeah there you go there you go I keep this in case Tom Cruz is ever [Applause] run let me see you sit nicely let me see as a lady as a lady a lady like this not a lady of the night well what are you talking about this is my that is not a lady posst what is a lady po then you cross them down here honey oh like this there you go beautiful look at that don't you feel lady proper I do feel a little more like a lady thank you Angelica what's up cuz what happened to your neck again it was it was sore wasn't it someone hugged you too tightly no they broke my neck they did Yeah by accident Tech yes by accident it was on a shoot and and they uh I had baby shake syndrome and uh I went to Dr mck I had surgery I had morphine love it and um and uh I too had to stop that yeah yeah yeah and um gives you a warm cozy feeling inside do that again oh my goodness now you slowed down a little bit I was sexually harassed were right there when I said do that again I guess that was sexual harassed kind of a little bit you were sexually harassed elsewhere in the workplace oh I yeah I used to get sexually harassed all the time and I used to always wonder like why me you know and um I sorry I that was inappropriate yeah I would C can I say it but it's a little x-rated well I think it'll be all right okay so like all right I was working for this um This Record Company when I was going to college here in Los Angeles right and I won't say its name but the record company used to be on LaBrea right and so was it laa no and so and so uh uh the the guy the assistant manager you know he was like do you want me to drive you home it's late at night it's 1: 2: in the morning and I said sure yeah the neighborhood's dangerous he drives me home and I fell for the oky doie says can I come in and use your bathroom and I said I know and um cuz you know in New York the sexual harassment is nice it's not like that you know no no you know what I mean like you know what I mean I feel we're not helping forward you know anyway yeah okay okay no cuz like when they go like I mommy you look good that's a compliment but anyway so um is it yeah hey Mama you look good not like that that that's like pervy that's all I do why do you say that night Mama you look good without you have to have like a touch of Sweetness in it you're like like that all right hold on again hey Mama you look good now I just weird Okay so so so he so comes in use the bathroom he goes in the bathroom right and I going to the kitchen right and so I'm talking to him and I'm like oh that was you know a great night and we got a lot done and and I walk out of the kitchen I went oh my God and he was laying I swear to God this is true butt naked stroking his Tootsie fruty I swear I swear I got to raise the next day yeah I'll bet you that so did you how did you get rid of how did you get rid of them did you point left I I thought get out no it was more like oh my God he was extremely well endowed for a short man right and um now you see now that's maybe a myth probably he's a regular size but he was a short man so it looked bigger because of the comparison like the White Castle hamburger thing the White Castle hamburger everybody knows that you get the White Castle hamburger you hold it next to yourself when you're naked and go who's the whoer now [Applause] B I was sexually harassed you're so weird you're so Charming the people in the amateur pors they're just ugly professionals you know hot means like you want to you know cuddling someone squ oh the boobs bottom okay looking a little closer what you say I love that you're a kisser you know we like to kiss and hug people too I'll kiss you anytime you like well we're we're out of time unless you go that's it kind of yeah it's like bad sex it's like gets really good and then it's just over that's it that's not bad sex that's just sex that's your sex got all dressed up and you what do you have to do you go that long tantric sex then do you go for like that 8 Hour sting thing Tri I haven't I I would I would be open to trying it but it scares me cuz it's always on real sex and it's always like hippies in a circle and they're all like 70 all their bits flapping in the brain no no bearded people some of the men too [Laughter] t yeah I don't know 8 hours so wasn't a long time I mean after about an hour I'd be like oh don't you have anything better to do wake me when you're done like it' be annoying I think after a while you be a bit you be well I w't say that but I wouldn't be able to walk the next day no you you probably shouldn't say that right we we have to go I have do you want to fancy an awkward pause yeah so I've got tequila in my dressing room if you want to come good night everybody come on then let's go let's go I like your necklace thing are you looking at my necklace or yeah okay wow sorry I couldn't tell I was looking at your necklace okay well it's right there I mean what you know it's you know you can't not see the it it they them no I didn't say them I said it I thought them but I said it okay what's that uh it's a Scarab a Scarab it's an actual Egyptian Scarab look there's hieroglyphics on the back I on a second to try to concentrate I can read hieroglyphics you know you can what does that say [Laughter] boobies but I have a great co-anchor B she's gorgeous and she's like wonderful yeah and we have a let's get her on that I yeah great I'll do the sh spotties I don't give a right size let's do it we have a we have an all female cast well you do that sounds like it they're almost making the news a bit sexier than perhaps it need be at any point during the news does it start raining and you girls kind of like now it's raining that means it's time for entertainment news we do we do have a beautiful weather person Jackie gito she's beautiful so she's gorgeous she's like she's pretty I believe you listen I I'm I'm All About It from now on I would like my news delivered entirely in Spanish look at you you look so nice and your earrings my Lord thanks I like your haircut thanks very much I didn't do it myself it looks good it's it's it's cut by professionals and then and then they mail it to me it's a wig I'm completely B you can't tell at all I know it's great yeah I also in my body other areas wigs oh Merkin meran you say is that what they call them mhm what really really MH have you ever had to wear one m I don't know it comes up in like medieval literature and stuff you read a lot of medieval literature do you I just remember that word cuz I was like what was that when I looked it up I thought oh my God yeah why would you need that I don't know yeah why don't you just wear pants you look very nice thank you I'm so excited to be here really yeah do I sound like I'm lying yeah a little bit yeah yeah are you lying no I am no I'm not cuz I've never done your show no you haven't I was the only show I'm still left to do so I was really stoked to do it no this is the only one you haven't done oh well thanks for getting us right up there with you never invited me oh oh all cont oh no no no listen oh yeah yeah yeah yeah I did I did I want and I especially wanted you here tonight oh thank you because this is jangly tights these are fantastic you don't understand I've been making fun of this outfit all day long oh have you it's the whole idea to find someone else to make fun off don't you no I'm really good at making fun of myself I perfected that art no I know it looks I'm looking at the thing it looks really shiny no they they no they look good they look like you could leave very quickly no you could just like boom be out it's good and maybe if you if you were swimming in cold water they'd be excellent you look Sensational look at that dress thank you very much I'm little nervous about what this is my first late night show oh don't worry it's not really a late night show okay good it's it's not it's just a kind of thing this is kind of like think of this is training wheels okay yeah and then you move on to the big guns the the lenos and the Daves you we'll see we'll see I'm happy to be here though yeah you should stay here I will just like you can move in I'll give you a harmonica and and we can get down 40 bucks in singles 40 bucks is this real yes real money I can have it no oh well let's see how good you are all let's see tell us about your movie oh well what do you want to know I mean we've got Betty White who you love I do love Betty and Kristen Bell I do love one of your favorites yes yeah it's a good old disne in the clip there you were pouring sort of gooey stuff over Kristen I've always been I nailed her yeah yeah you you nailed her didn't come out right but yeah I did there was one episode it was like a allst star episode where they got back all like the favorites you excuse me a second you look there you go we got a present for you [Music] right thank you there you are oh I love it there you are welcome welcome to the West my Soviet friend oh I look at his nurse come on why why so little yeah well you know it's you can't have too many of these lying around that was specially made for me yeah yours looks evil mine looks nice and petite just saying you look lovely I love your jacket thank you I'm sorry I I got distracted by the Englishman out there didn't hug you you didn't hug me I came to see a you backstage and you were all over hu Lori like a lovely jacket do you know each other no he once didn't turn up for dinner with me he stood you up well it was a big dinner and he happened to be wait he wasn't hungry that was his excuse he was due to sit next to me at dinner and I spent the evening with an empty chair missing a lovely conversation with him well you should have called me I'd have turned up I'd have been there I'd have been there oh saon hi oh man you look Sensational may I say I like I really like your dress it it looks like it's going to be seeth through and then Ah that's for later the no I mean not for somebody there was there was a moment actually um in the film where um I I cop a feel of his man boob you might want to translate that for the American audience the Cooper feel of his man boob means uh I suppose it means you put your hand on his gentleman's upstairs breast Peck area yes his pectoral muscle his pectoral muscle yes I I gently stroke that who's the who's the gentleman with whose man boob you felt uh Chris Evans who plays Captain America I don't think he I don't think he has man boobs though he's got firm chly areas well they were absolutely enormous though I mean um you know coming from you that's a hell of a thing to say oh my God oh my God I how are you you all right I'm really good I yes I'm other than being a little sore I'm I'm I'm good so why are you sore I'm um I from working out sore I I I uh don't normally show my legs and I was getting ready to and the person who was helping me pick out my outfit said you should wear this I said I don't want to show my legs it's so embarrassing and so I thought oh well you know I will uh go work out to tone up my legs you have to do it more than once and uh yeah apparently I just thought oh I'll just do once and then and but they look great they're perfect they're lovely legs awesome they Fantastic look at those legs and I I went in and you know I you know I'm sort of I haven't worked out in a in a while and I went into this Pat place look at the legs yeah that's right yeah and so I went into this Pilates place and I said give me a really hard leg workout and I can't even walk today I was like my fingers hurt everything hurts your fingers hurt through working out your legs everything it was that hard of a work you want to get a massage then great yeah yeah hook hook me up with one of those I might be able to perform one oh I will admit though I'm kind of creepy you know what uh I think I heard something about you being creepy when your hair was dyed at one point oh yeah no my hair used to be dyed and they used to be creepy that was creepy yeah but what Happ just when I started the show they wanted me to dye my hair to appeal to young people and I just looked like a creepy old guy trying to appeal to young people hey young people do you like my hair yeah I'm scary are you really Russian no I lied yeah you lied on your Google page I that it' be more interesting this way I like that you don't sound Russian and you don't have a mustache so right there I'm thinking little Z now you are Russian yes you really are Russian but like properly born in Russia and then came here in ' 91 wow yeah so you must have been very young though like two or something I was just born yeah yeah I'm really young no uh I was seven and a half oh well that is quite young yeah do you remember Russia I do vely I mean I remember parts of it but I'm not sure how much of it is really my memory and how much of it I made into a memory through like my parents stories and stuff I do that with movies do you create movies yeah no what happens is that I sometimes think it's my memory and I go oh wait that's a movie like well like sometimes I think I I was yeah I was a a debutant and during a uh during war no during the Civil War and and then I think oh no no that's Gone With the Wind that's Scarlet Ohara that wasn't me that wasn't me I sometimes I get confused I understand that happens that happens at your age it does hello my love how are you I am great you look Sensational may I say Sensational it's the red it's my this is my no the Red's just a color I've seen red it's you inside the red that's working for me absolutely and your shoes are very nice I know these are well we know what these are these are c blank M shoes this that those shoes are uh oh what did you say no I thought those shoes were a little more like you usually when girls wearing them they're dancing ah you know Gentlemen please welcome apparently interesting aren't they aren't they stripper don't you think they're stripper heel no I don't know I don't know anything no I think that's exactly what you were saying I was implying it you would know better than me I would not know I I only look I made the joke first I said they were come blank me shoes yeah come fly with me I just wanted to put my legs up on the desk I be careful I my whoopy yeah no be careful with that yeah be careful you're a you're a very social person and you seem to be uh you know go to a lot of parties and events and stuff like that do you never just like you know put on your pajamas and watch television I do all right good I watch you sometimes you do know M really yeah yeah no you don't no you don't really yes really do you yes did I ever say anything mean about you I do not yeah I well let me just put that right right now I'm really sorry very terribly sorry well now that I've came on maybe you won't do that I won't I absolutely won't I can't believe I've done it before it's an extreme laps of judgment it doesn't really seem to but I do like your earring your earrings are lovely yeah they're very nice do you uh that a special designer um no they match my dress mhm do you yes I have one here do you want you want to try one on I don't know if you can do that I think that I could get pregnant that's my cup it's a it's a freyan thing cuz I've got a small penis okay actually that's a Double Bluff I've got a large pie because I'm 510 so I I like the high heels as well oh me too you like women in high heels or you like high heels specifically I'm European that says it all all of the above if you meet someone in one of those clubs how do you know if they're nice because you can't really see them and you can't really hear them they could be I don't really me guys at clubs that's not my type they're usually like the biggest corn cheese balls so I don't usually talk to guys at clubs then where do you meet them just like at the laundr perhaps or friend at the gym the gym I don't know I'm just making that up no that's I don't go to the gym no come on you do you look very healthy thank you I know yeah you know what I'm it's all like cling and dancing yeah I was going to say you look healthier than I've seen you look I think thank you just for you really no every time I'm like about to the show everyone's like you have to dress really sexy for Craig he lik that really who says that just everyone like he loves cleavage I was like [Laughter] okay wait wait this could be a lie um I I enjoy cleavage and I'm an American citizen I'm entitled to it who doesn't love cleavage who doesn't love do you surf and everything then do you do all the oh you do mm you do know do you surf I love surfing really where do you go do you surf with Matthew McAn anyy no I think that that's that I never knew this about you so you go surfing now when the paparazzi follow you around do they follow you to the beach for the surfing yes how do they know you're there cuz they wait outside my house and follow me everywhere do really they're like stalkers why don't you invite them in invite them into the house they'll get used to you and they'll just kind of they'll find someone else to run around here no I'm too scared of them you're scared of quite a lot of things tattoos plastic surgery and the paparazzi you're in the wrong game I go skydiving you go skydiving yeah shut up I heard your did you have your birthday party cuz remember you said you were going to invite me and then you didn't I did invite you oh you did I sent you an email oh an email ah right I don't where where which email I I didn't get it it must have been something wrong with the email system I have another one in Las Vegas this weekend how many you have't I had like two in La two in New York just two in Japan and now I'm doing two in Las Vegas at the Hard Rock this weekend that's uh seem slightly excessive to me a little bit I like to celebrate my birth right yeah and how how would they differ the ones in last Vegas from the ones in you know other towns a lot different the one in La I made everyone wear pink it was like a whole pink Barbie that's the one that I was not inv well invited to but didn't get the yeah would you have worn pink [Applause] no oh Elizabeth why well I what was that about I don't know you raising it was a '90s thing I was flashbacking you all right what's going on my my mic pack fell out oh you guys it's real TV that's what happens on TV you want me to look look this a better view anyway okay you want you want me to you want me to you want me to put it back in there you want me to want to tuck it you want to tuck it in yeah yeah I'll tuck it in yeah you can tuck it in you can check it in do someone's got the sound guy was already back there I mean you know might as well be you it's a perk of the show being the head of the show right you look good I mean like really good cardio bar I'm thinking no really neither one of those words makes sense to me cardio or bar I don't know what you're talking about I think you look like you're in some serious regimen for sexy Health wow thank you I'm just saying look good that's all sexy Health well do you do you have some kind of thing that you do um not I'll be sure I I do some stuff every once in a while well but I don't know I'm mostly just chasing I have kids I chase around my kids that'll keep you in shape you know that's like the least sexy thing I can say I have babies well yeah but you run after them and you're also cover poo most of the time run sometimes sometime I actually was just reminded I I saw a friend who I hadn't seen in a while the last time that I saw her we were in a restaurant and my kid got the runs and I literally carried him through a public restaurant like this with poop just dripping out to the bathroom it had already like gone all over and then I got into the bathroom they had no changing table I had to change K on the flooor of this bathroom you can't be your baby on the floor it's dirty there's other people's babies poed on that was crap everywhere already I mean how much worse could it get he was covered inops I know you know it's terrible what age are your babies well he uh I have a 15-month-old and a nearly three-year-old right so yeah you know the three-year-old You' probably get he he now is he now likes to poop in a toilet so good good on them guys and that that stays with you to your early 50s and then and then but you know what it won't be my problem at that point no I I guess no I I'm 51 oh you're so what are you telling me uh i i people have to run across the restaurant with so what do you do go to strip clubs and things yeah yeah what do you think about that I think that's awesome I thought you might you know I think there's something nice about a woman just letting it all out taking it off just just just just dancing and shaking just shimmying I could go I could go on and on go right ahead married to to my father to your father my uh hey these days you know that's something uh my father was a man named Eddie fiser and uh he they were best friends with uh Elizabeth Taylor and her husband at the time Mike Todd Mike Todd tragically passed away in a plane accident and my father consol Elizabeth with his [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] penis I love you I've always loved you I love you more every time I see you I couldn't have put it better to myself with no Jeff Jeff you know if you want to bring someone onto the show your girlfriend on the the show then I'll just talk to her all right so you just you just unplug yourself just stay quiet all right oh hey hey Shut up all right all right Jeff no that's fine I'll just fine if you're going to bring I could bring my girlfriend on the show my wife would be annoyed but I could bring her that's a joke honey that was a joke that was a joke [Laughter] baby and is it better all the way up your leg it is yes thank you well that's that's awesome it's quite a question thank you well you know I like to know that your legs are fine they are thank you I I don't mean to concentrate on your legs there's other areas that I enjoy immensely as well man look at your ass in the back of this thing right here thank you thanks what are you liking man what you looking for on a young fell cantelopes most calop you oh yeah really avocado really does it is it a concern of yours testicle size well it should be shouldn't it everyone should worry about these things because Dr Oz says that it means you're healthy if it's a good sound well I don't know that he necessar he just was saying he was talking about the design of nature because of the clicky clack that's that whole thing it worries me what what worries you the sound that it makes oh click clack no no they don't make much of a noise well at least they shouldn't but if they do maybe if they make a noise then maybe your gentleman's friend's older than he's telling you m are making a noise right now no oh no it's a bit Rusty but it's okay it's okay I'm just kidding with you though you can take a joke I know you no I can't no I can't no when it comes to my avocados look here's here's the thing let's let's do a little role play here I like role play all right I'm the studio head and you're pitching me this movie about hitchhikers all right you ready okay okay go can I do something sexual hey depends if you want your movie made or not I really have to pitch it now I'm horrible at this though I'm that's not my job I'm an actress I go in and just do the lines they tell me to do all right then you don't have to pit you just do something sexual who in robot years that means he's 384 all right so we thought it' be I thought it'd be a great idea if you know if I um if I invited Jeff's ex-girlfriend and heterosexual experiment uh Alex to come over and you know and wish him happy birthday and we got him a hat and uh things have gotten a little weird look like a gay wizard wait wait wait wait wait wait they have straight Wizards I know yeah so things been awkward to you and Jeff you know a little bit yeah yeah because Jeffrey Dean Morgan's on the show tonight yeah yeah and I kind of have a crush on him a little would that be because his first name is Jeffrey is it that or because he's handsome and human and uh and Alive yeah partially partially and a little bit bronny than Jeff yeah yeah I'm standing right here anyway you were going to tell me what you were looking for in a man oh I was was it yeah yeah yeah well you might not be going to tell me but you're going to tell me now you know what I don't have a type really no is that bad should I have a type should I start pigeon hauling people so I don't get I think but but I mean what kind of what do you like to do what do you what do you do in your spare time what would you like to share your interests with um I've never been to the Opera so you want to go to the Opera that may be a gay dude you're looking for I do have a lot of gay friends of course if you've got a lot of gay friends and you haven't been going to the Opera then I I think there's they're not gay enough they're not classy enough that's what I'm saying shoot okay well that what about a skeleton looking for a skeleton friend no I I I yes I I was hoping that you would can I can I go over there no you can't go over there I can't get no you can talk to him hi Jeff hi how you doing you like older dudes like dead guys yes as a matter of fact I like them I like them a a bit bony like [Music] you what is that noise that you're making why don't you come over here and find out I think he's leaving us alone you guys carry on I'm just will you will you come to New York and hang out with me a little bit you got to start talking to him he's going to fire me right now you got to [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you're always very good just know that why don't you guys go and take a break do you have performance anxiety because I can do it in front of [Laughter] them wa wait I'm not I'm not worried about an audience I'm worried about Witnesses that's what I'm worried right right right but it's all right everything's fine how is it that every time I'm on I've been on the show before before yeah twice last time once three times five times I look forward to your visits me too but um it's always we always end up talking about balls that's now today I didn't even bring them up you brought them up you're talking about staple and scrotums to the floor that guy did that in Russia anyway did I distract you when you were on the talk then distract me every time I see you sometimes you distract me even when you're not in the room really no come on okay a little bit all right all right wait out of time damn it I know stop doing this to me just when I'm just about to get there you me up that's that's how I keep you interested everybody very [Music] [Applause] much fun because we played all the girls parts and all the boys Parts I I very often play to man faceb theater I'll you I'll let you go as long as you want on really I didn't say played with all the boys I said no you went to an old girls school really how was that we wear uniforms did you wear a uniforms you still have your uniform I sure do B somewhere have we're out of time what do you want to do mouth organ or big cash prize uh well he already did the mouth organ he won I can't top that let's do the cash prize what time is it sh Davis time for the big cash PR rise you can win $50 in Corners in a bag with a dollar sign on it hey don't touch the money until I just need to weigh it out make sure it was even okay how's it feel we're good okay two ways to win you can either answer the question or guess what's in my box here's how that works I imagine a box in my head I don't know what's in it only Jeff knows what's in it you tell me what's in it if you're right Jeff will say yes or no if you're wrong something awful will happen is your box clean has it been you want you want to go for the Box H it scares me I know sometimes exciting things will scare you let's go for the Box okay go for the Box Jeff I'm imagining I'm imagining a box Jeff okay okay what's in the box Jeff no wait no what what what you guess he on my side no you I may be on your side but that's not the point that's not how the game works that's my show I'm imagining a box Jeff I'm imagining a box as well well M what's in the box a hamster a hamster Richard Gear thing that's a Geral is totally different okay not that I would know that that's just a rumor anyway Jeff what is in the Box I am so going to spank you it's a hamster [Applause] what have you been what have you been up to my God what the hell is that look at that God what jeez I get something on your neck now I can have a snake too what the hell is that it's a necklace it's fantastic thank you wow can would you mind if I tried that on oh really yeah sure thanks oh thanks very much oh my God oh my God yeah I have one word for you what Liberace I you know what I think mayor of San Francisco did you watch the Oscars of course wow what about that leg sticking out of that dress I thought you did it better oh thanks I I think my legs got a little more meat is that true or are you just hanging to the right oh no no no no no I meant the actual I didn't no I meant the S sorry this filthy Booker again immediately me I'm dirty Doctor Oz was just out here talking about all kinds of things he's a doctor he's a doctor he can say anything he wants he can say anything he wants cuz it's magical well I found out obviously why I'm not getting any dates because I've been doing doing it wrong all this time I always thought that it was three fingers of whiskey or something along those lines you're not getting any dates I think you told a not true thing there it's very true you're kidding me no it's very true so you know I got the morning show gig I was super excited I'm moving to the big city I'm going to New York right and uh they sort of forgot to tell me that it's a morning show schedule you start I'm up at 4: and I'm in bed by 8:00 p.m. see that's perfect for me I got kids but it's terrible for dating yeah probably it's awful I end up going to restaurants at like 11:30 I have the early bird special yeah I love all that though so I'm hanging out with people like you yeah what's wrong with that yes cuz that's what everyone talks about everyone wants to know was it really exciting to kiss you Jackman and what I want to know was how exciting it was to have Craig Ferguson go with the drag [Music] [Applause] tatto go on give it your best shot she met with let me see what you got okay um okay but you know what look there's only a couple minutes no there's coring it and just blow it already I never heard a woman say oh you're not doing it fast enough [Music] Jeff join me why don't [Music] you very nice very nice very nice that's good so what else you been up to then you had a baby and that's it that's you had a baby made a move me that's yeah yeah I'm actually I'm playing an elf in The Hobbit Too working with Pete Jackson in New Zealand right now you got really nothing wait wait wait wait hold on you haven't seen the movie you haven't seen it yet yeah actually that that's been a big part of um my body shifting and changing is that I've been doing stunt training and so soon after is wise it might be oh it's not wise at all well you probably want to sit down for a bit I have ntis in my hips I think I don't know what that means well they don't work the way they used to work that's for sure oh well they well they do for me and and I think that you're a young woman it'll all come and snap right back yeah yeah not as young as I used to be well none of us are said Jeff he's actually younger than you used to be just open his mouth anyway we're out of time so uh completely out of time or just commercial break then we come back to each other other I'm not asking for relationship advice I just kind of want to know the timing of everything no no no that's that's that's pretty much it oh yeah it's never enough with you that's right get going go on give it a blow hey now so do you didn't I didn't work I know it doesn't work that way I guess it's it's always nice to see you I've missed you I know um but you you look great in them thank you yeah you just look F and you smell great and um I'm sorry if I'm a little creepier than usual I have a mustache oh no I um I gave birth to her she's your mom you're in trouble now but not as much as you are Jeff Peterson uhoh yeah have harmonicas yeah do you blow the mouth Argan I I do you blow the mouth Morgan how do you think I go this job oh man this relationship is Bloss yeah I don't know man I think it's working out just fine right are you a naughty sexual person do you think uh I'm 45 yeah so um I've gotten a lot of that out of my system aside from this morning were you practicing some self massage I don't know why I would reach for the snake at that point but there you go and I have one that says ninja fight too do you really yeah do you have one that says genital rash I didn't get that one no I I know might know someone who would want one Craig well I you know I've been wearing very tight pants look if you're easily offended now would be the time to watch Jimmy fall and he's a great kid it's a good show why are you looking I can see my own peeee where are you looking I'm looking into their souls Kristen I lived in a really really haunted house in North Carolina for 3 years did you wear the little uh outfits I did did you ever go for the uh you know like um you know acupuncture or massages you go for them yeah I can give a massage yeah yeah okay not now I can't do it now now no I I I need to you don't have the oil I don't have my oil I don't have my nurse's outfit never can I ask you something about the the show that you're doing it's got the marijuana smoking there and you're with the the young fell he he's 17 17 that's illegal I know 17 and we do it on top of the cheeseboard that's illegal and unsanitary clidia your Dad's here he par the van out back we didn't know I saw it in a medical dictionary and I named you where's your sister garia get over here now would you date a Serial G um depends on what he looked like I mean if you were a seral I mean if you were a serial killer I date I date really and guess what I'm not though sorry then yeah do you know what you have you have lipstick marks on your cheeks and it's from me and I apologize but you're very pretty you sure you got it I'll have another crack see you might want to rub me you may have left some elsewhere help yourself and the harmonica just really kind of just got into my blood yeah it's good do you play yourself and I no I just got one though and I want to learn so maybe you could be my teacher no no I can't maybe I could there was like a 95-year-old guy that was there from Germany and he's like I want to see underneath what's underneath that skirt and I was like I'll probably show you like I looked at him I was like he's never going to see a girl like me again so I might as well just go and give him a heart attack right now I remember that you were the sexy Darla vampire have you still got that outfit uh the school girl outfit yeah yeah I have it all right I'll wear that next time well I I I supped say put it on and I'll get your massage ready okay and and and and and my but CH you you show your butt I'm so getting this I I this is worth getting cable for you show your bare ass I do I do I know did did you check it before had do you like is there makeup on it and everything I I rejected butt makeup you rejected butt makeup I rejected butt makeup anything you see is butt I think I think that's good you tell me three things about you I will tell you which ones are lies okay okay but you have to be really frightened that you're going to get found out because if you're not frightened that you're going to get found out you can lie and there's no consequences right so tell me one thing about yourself uh I'm Scottish correct ah right okay and tell me another thing about yourself I am extremely well endowed uh I thought you you're just looking at my pants no I wasn't I was looking at your hands because they say when people are very confident about what they're saying their thumbs go up and your thumbs went up you went I'm extremely well went down and you went like that and then your thumbs went up and so that's so okay I don't think we want to know any more about the personal life if that's the truth hey America also you're smoking the uh smoking the wacky toy so do do you in your own life do you smoke a lot of pot and have sex with teenagers in I'm smoking it a little bit now yes I do do you smoke pot I don't smoke pot I don't smoke pot I mean I not have never I I can't say I've never smoked pot that's just a lie that would be a lie I have smoked pot right I can't believe I just said that my parents well my parents don't watch anything what are they going to do gr you come on you're a grown woman you're an actress you got a successful career I'm worried about them seeing me get it on with the 17-year-old in the chees shop well you shouldn't have done it you should have saw that before well can I just compliment you on your ring hey thanks wow look at that it kind of matches your mug but with no I I can't tell you how glad I am my doctor doesn't have one of those yeah HT I don't really ever get drunk like I did when I was a girl like I don't ever want to be one of those girls you know where you talk to these girls after New Year's or some big holiday and they're like oh I'm just going to I'm just going to not drink for a while I'm just taking some time off and you're like I know what you did somebody got double tea hey now hot sauce really yeah is that a code are you giving me like a code just hot sauce and then what my top comes off or something that would be great be great are you a cougary type person in your own life you find your my life I I'm I'm married to a younger man oh how much younger not 17 but but he is he is younger I do like a younger man yeah what do you like about it the uh the uh they just look like they like you're doing them such a favor they do they give you that that look like they'd be so grateful for anything you know hey hey hey old guys are like that too come on you're sophisticated you've been around you know the are you saying I've slept with a lot of people is that what you're saying I've never cuz I have cuz I have then yes then yes you're a Manor is that a no no I never charged a penny for anything and that's very generous of you give away your servic I just gave it away how horrifying I yes but um well because I play uh you know my and accidentally touched your thigh he he has very very thin fabric I could feel the hairs on his leg was standing up in fear unfortunately that's not the hair but listen I Julie welcome welcome you look Sensational thank you you look very very nice and lovely and you've got that Labor Day look down perfect are these two white these work for me they're working for you do you know what I did I was still drinking at the time and I went through the airport I was in Thailand I was going to Australia and I phed up my mother cuz I was in Thailand I thought it was interesting and I was drunk I phoned my mother it was like 3:00 in the morning in Scotland I said uh Mom I'm in Thailand and I just bought a tie right at the airport I bought a tie at the airport I thought well this is hilarious so I phed my mother and I said Mom I'm in Thailand I've just bought a tie and she said is that legal I but I believe where you're from they ship you off at about age six or seven to where I don't know some mythical aren't they these the Hogwarts or something is that what you mean yes oh oh didn't you know I'm part muggle what the hell is wrong with you so where were you in Thailand were you in Bangkok no a great name for a town I love that name but no I was not in Bangkok can we say it some more yeah yeah anytime you like I get really dirty do you get like like maybe swamp mud on you and everything you're like I get wet uh-huh uhhuh and you're like oh I've got swamp I'm such a naughty girl for being the swamp really no this movie is going to be the most awesome movie of all time I can't wait to see it news have you ever seen a ghost yeah really yeah I lived in a really really haunted house in North Carolina for 3 years really what kind of a ghost was it I think it was a kid I think it was a little ghost because of the way that it would run around across the roof could have been a Pome I don't think so I wish but I don't I don't think possums open you look lovely I like your dress oh thank you it's kind of it's got a lovely swirl thing I know it's sort of Mer mermaid-esque it's hiding it's hiding where all the babies came out there's underwear too that's hid oh that There underwear that's F I'm reassured so you were a a cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys that's I was a cheerleader for the Cowboys any Cowboys fans no no that fell flat didn't it yeah you should you should have been here for the monologue yeah that actually did pretty well are you a jazz fan oh love jazz love blues and I heard you play a mouth organ that I want you to blow a little bit later I also play the [Laughter] harmonica yeah I can um yes I could I could do a fair amount of that stuff do you do that in your own life I mean do you have a yoga or Jiu-Jitsu well either one um what about combination of what about what a combination of both um do yoga like [Applause] man a younger man you like them because they're friendly and they've got abs I guess as well well they do they do have they have abs and they they smell like soap and they just they're so grateful this is a man we're talking about right are you a lesbian is that what you're talking even if it's horrible it's over really fast that is true no that is true yes I do remember the whole thing is just done cuz yeah are you smelling your finger M can I can I smell it a bit yeah that's see smell the other ones that's the one you use yeah you know what's I fully believe that if we'd have met at a different time we would have had sex and then hated each other oh no it would hatte each other I don't hate anybody I've had sex with only people sex it would been awesome oh no we would have had really good sex yeah we would have had a good time together it's too it's not our lifetime though it's too well some some other lifetime we'll get together but thank you for thinking of me hey hey not the first time did you always want to be an actress is that is that what you you wanted to do you well I was a figure skater actually growing up oh how gorgeous MH yeah did you wear the little uh outfits I did did I did I do I was going to wear one you can tonight yeah hey you know it's only half 12 the night's young I used to be a trailer for the Dallas Cowboys shut up did you really you're paying me $400 to come here and talk and now you're telling me to shut up no no that's did you get $400 for it I did the it it was ra it was a race from yesterday your race just went up a little bit did they really yeah thank you and this economy I do need it wow so hey you hear that celebrities come on out fancy do you want a piece of fruit I would love a piece of fruit uh what do you fancy a banana uh okay yeah there you are it leans a bit to one side but you'll be all right people that can't handle drinking or people that I mean there are people that shouldn't be drinking no I I couldn't handle I was no damn good at it when people were all you know drinking and I'd go out for a beer with some friends i' wake up 4 days later in Tijana with a sore ass tattoo sound familiar I'm just saying wake I'm not going to go there now you smell very nice these are various products oils ands that I put in my hair just your hair not just my hair no my anus but I I you look absolutely lovely thank you very elegant thank you but I have a slight problem really what's that my undies are in a bunch too what how does that happen with the ladies it must be a very different type of bunching mine it's a it's a space issue I'm Scottish oh I know yeah it's a curse I'm having I'm not playing poker with you right now but I'm having trouble not looking you know not looking and and do you use do you use the girls when you're playing poker do you think that well you know what when I go on the poker shows I usually wear like a low cut outfit because I think you describe this as part of my Arsenal well this is not super low cut okay there's there's more there's more low cut than this yeah I just it depends on how tough my opponents are you know you have to sometimes you have to break out the really yeah so anyway but the thing that I do that makes it hard for them to look at me is I put sunglasses on nice so I have my sunglasses on I think nobody can tell what's going on in my mind these are my Tails if I have a big hand my chest starts heing like how you play poker out there does anybody got some cars I need a dck of cars because right now you're excited and you start breathing really heavily and then the other tell is is I if I'm bluffing and I have a really bad hand and somebody is looking at me I do this thing that you wouldn't think it would be a tell but it is right I swallow now I'm not normally a swallower but you know it's it's a natural function I didn't realize I do it but I do a Big Gulp like that like cuz I said doesn't everybody swallow and he says no when you swallow it's very very very noticeable so he said that I have to wear like turtleneck um tops from now on so people can't tell bastard tell him no that's what he said you great I do yeah you should read the news in that dress is awesome I like when you sit on the desk and kind of shuffle your papers and they're kind of like I've got the news sometimes I'm thinking about other things once in a while while I'm reading the a story really what what you thinking about oh you know no I'm not I'm thinking about I don't know just once in a while but usually I'm pretty focused sometimes the teleprompter kind of and I'll make out with you right here nice cup thanks very much it's because of my small penis any that's a Double Bluff I've actually got a huge penis I hope you're spending money on the products we advertise because they're awesome I don't endorse even one of them they're all bloody they're all pharmaceutical things that you don't need that give you a tummy ache he's wrong you need an erection Grandpa it's my grandpa I tell you what I'm going to give myself a natural erection uhoh that thing a [Applause] death don't hurt it oh [Applause] no Russ don't now it's too much now calm down here you've hurt him sorry mate is he all right right he's basically the same as he was oh do you got a lot of people coming on to you because you're it's kind of like the naughty librarian thing reading the news isn't it it's kind of like a sex thing it is the news like that yeah no no not too many I don't get anything that either you don't yeah no did I mention I'm single there you go have you any use for a gay robot you never know I don't know maybe baraa Walter is actually in a very ironic twist not me off the number one spot because she stole yeah because her book obviously was huge so I'm now I think I'm on the number two slot on the New York Times she stole my signature moving so she's number one and you're number two yeah she slept with a black guy I don't know if you know that hey now come on and I've done that too hey who hasn't I did it twice three times three times and I wrote about it in my first book and then she obviously wait wait wait wait three times like three different guys or the same guy three times no three different guys just one big party okay can you actually tell the temperature from a cherup the 15 seconds in the 37 yeah I read it in a book really I thought it was because you were uh cuz you look like you might be some kind of sexy zookeeper no thank you

Channel: Bite-Sized Betterment

Views: 137,060

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Id: C6XxkpKtVwE

Length: 285min 0sec (17100 seconds)

Published: Sat May 04 2024