-Thank you very much! Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Thank you so much. Let's get to the news and jokes. Well, guys, the election
is just a week away, but the White House is making
news for all the wrong reasons. Take a look. -Concerns of another coronavirus
outbreak at the White House, after five of Vice President
Mike Pence's associates, including his chief of staff,
test positive for COVID-19. The Vice President campaigning
in North Carolina, a move defended
by White House officials, who called him
an essential worker. -Even Joe Biden is like,
"Trust me. Being Vice President
is not essential work." [ Laughter ] That's right.
The coronavirus is spreading through
the coronavirus task force. [ Laughter ] But don't worry --
the White House is now forming a task force to figure out what
went wrong with the task force. [ Laughter ] Yep, the only place
the coronavirus is rounding the corner is in the
halls of the White House. [ Laughter ] Seriously, it doesn't instill
a lot of confidence that the head of the
coronavirus task force's office got the coronavirus. It's like if the Avengers
got mugged. [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, when Pence saw he was
trending online, he was like, "Oh, no. Do I have
another fly on my head?" [ Laughter ] That's right,
Pence will continue to campaign, 'cause not even COVID
can stop people from seeing the electricity
and raw sexual magnetism that is Mike Pence in person.
[ Laughter ] That's right, five members
of Mike Pence's staff tested positive for coronavirus. Pence himself tested negative, but he did go through
a contact-tracing program. We actually got the audio from
the phone call with his doctor. Listen to this. -There you go.
Well, interesting. [ Cheers and applause ] Interesting that
we got that audio. And this didn't help.
Yesterday, White House chief of staff Mark Meadows
got a lot of attention for what he said about
controlling the virus. Watch this. -So here's what we have to do. We're not going
to control the pandemic. We are going to control the fact
that we get vaccines, therapeutics,
and other mitigations -- -Why aren't we gonna get
control of the pandemic? -The White House has said,
"It is what it is, and we are not
going to control it." They talk about COVID like
it's a wild teen on "Dr. Phil." [ Laughter ] "We're out of ideas. Hopefully this thing
calms down with age." [ Laughter ] It's like the coronavirus
won the Super Bowl, except it already made trips to
Disneyland and the White House. [ Laughter ] Well, the White House
isn't alone. Fox News is also dealing
with their own outbreak. Listen to this. -"The New York Times" reports
the president of Fox News and several of the channel's
top anchors, including Bret Baier
and Martha MacCallum, they have been advised
to quarantine. They were exposed to the virus
on a flight to Nashville for last Thursday's
final presidential debate. -Dang.
First, Pence's inner circle gets COVID and now Trump's. [ Laughter ] I hope none of the anchors
on Fox News have the virus, 'cause if you think
Sean Hannity's intense now, imagine him on steroids. [ Laughter ] But this was nice.
Trump called to check on everyone,
then spent the next 55 minutes ranting about windmills. [ Laughter ] They say if anyone's acting
disoriented or lethargic, don't worry --
that's just Lou Dobbs. -The caravan of mostly
Central American immigrants is now in the Mexican City
of "Wach-la-da" tonight. [ Laughter and applause ] -Oh, Lou, come on. We're almost done showing that.
[ Laughter ] Get this --
the Trump administration did have a plan
for a COVID vaccine. Check out who they wanted
to give it to. -Santa And Mrs. Claus will not
be getting an early vaccine. The Department of Health and
Human Services is dropping a holiday ad campaign
that would have offered Santa Claus performers,
along with Mrs. Claus and elf performers,
early access to a vaccine in exchange for promoting
the benefits to the public. [ Laughter ] -That was their plan? [ Laughter ] Mall Santas? Yeah, 'cause before making
any important medical decisions, I wanna hear what a drifter
with whiskey breath has to say. [ Laughter ] Seriously, nothing says
"trustworthy" quite like a man sitting outside a Hot Topic,
asking you to sit on his lap. [ Laughter ] Have you ever seen a mall Santa? Coronavirus is like 10th
on the list of things they need vaccines for. [ Laughter ] Speaking of the holidays,
Halloween is almost here, and last night, the Trumps
hosted trick-or-treaters at the White House,
where they were greeted by two kids
who dressed up like them. Look that.
[ Laughter ] Well, at least one Trump
is wearing a mask. [ Laughter, groans ] But this was crazy.
At one point, Trump fled to his bunker
when he saw a little girl dressed as Lesley Stahl. [ Laughter ] Yep, this Halloween party
was a little different. Instead of candy, Trump was
handing out unapproved vaccines. [ Laughter ] I hope everyone had a good time
'cause I don't think Melania's next event
will be quite as fun. Yeah, exactly.
[ Laughter ] Some more political news --
this weekend, Russian president Vladimir Putin was asked about
Joe Biden's family. Check it out. -Russian President
Vladimir Putin isn't going along with one of President Trump's
campaign attacks on Joe Biden's son. On state television,
Mr. Putin said he doesn't see anything criminal
in Hunter Biden's past business ties
with Ukraine or Russia. -2020 -- where Vladimir Putin
is somehow the voice of reason. [ Laughter ] Even Putin is distancing
himself from Trump. He's like,
"Donald is too much drama, like a Real Housewife
of Volgograd. Volgograd.
Real Housewife of Volgograd." [ Laughter ] Putin was like,
"Terrible, terrible conspiracy. I give it one out of five
poison syringes." [ Laughter ] Here's a big story. Today, the Senate voted to
confirm Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court.
Take a look. -On this vote, the yeas are 52,
the nays are 48. The nomination of
Amy Coney Barrett of Indiana to be an associate justice of
the Supreme Court of the United States
is confirmed. -Yeah, Republicans haven't
moved that fast since they saw A.O.C.
in the hallway. [ Laughter ] Let's change gears.
I heard about a Walmart in Oklahoma
that had to be evacuated after an unexpected visitor
walked in. Watch this. -And an Edmond Walmart
shuts down after a skunk runs loose inside the store. Experts say the skunk was stuck
in the shoe department. [ Laughter ] -I never told anybody this,
but for years, I toured in a country band
named Walmart Skunk. [ Laughter ] It was even more strange
when a customer ran down the aisle like, "Hubert,
get back on your leash!" [ Laughter ] When the skunk walked past
the Axe Body Spray aisle, it was like,
"Ugh! What is that?" [ Laughter ] I wonder what could've attracted
wild animals into a Walmart. -KFC is bringing back
it's collaboration with Walmart to offer the fried-chicken
scented fire log again. -Mmm. -If Trump gets re-elected,
that'll be the smoke that comes out
of the White House chimney. [ Laughter ] I'm kidding.
But that's what they light at the Vatican
when the Pope wants a 12-piece. [ Laughter ] The KFC log sounds fun until
your dog jumps onto the fire. -Aww!
[ Laughter ] -I'm a little --
I'm a little classier myself. I prefer a
Boston Market-scented fire log. [ Laughter ] So... [ Laughter ] And finally, here's an update to a story
we told you about last week. On Wednesday,
NASA teased a big announcement that they would be making
about the Moon. Well, here it is. -NASA says they have found proof
of water on the Moon. So, a pair of recent studies
prove there are water molecules in the dirt and large ice
patches in the shadows. -Actually, the big announcement was just that NASA
just added this sign. [ Laughter ] I'm excited. This means we're
one step closer to Moon sharks. [ Laughter ] But this is great.
Once the news broke, Cardi B released a new song,
"WAM."
