Conan O'Brien: Thank you. Thank you. Please remain seated. That is not necessary. [applause] [laughter] thank you, don’t stand,
that wouldn’t be right. Good evening, thank you, Mr. President, Mrs.
Obama, distinguished members of the press and Bon Jovi. Yes, it is an honor to share the stage with
the President. When you think about it, the President and
I are a lot alike. We both went to Harvard, we both have two
children and we both told Joe Biden we did not have extra tickets for tonight event. We also have something else in common, I too
recently got in hot water for talking about a public official’s good looks. It was when time I would not shut up about
that stone cold fox, Secretary of Transportation Ray Lahood. Oh, man. I like the cut of his jib. Bu President Obama, President Obama, you had
some great jokes. It was a pleasure watching you stand here
and do what I do. Now it is only fair that I get to do what
you do. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, for
the next 15 minutes I will be mired in intense dysfunctional standoff with congress. This is going to be fun. Now right away, I would like to formally congratulate
the President on his re-election. Congratulations. Thank you. As you all know, he is hard at work creating
jobs. Since he was first selected, the number of
popes has doubled. And the number of tonight show hosts has tripled. Congratulations. And while I’m at it, I would like to congratulate
President George W. Bush on big dedication of his Presidential library. Yes, the library has millions of books, articles,
and documents and if you go, you can be the first to read them. You can’t hurt me. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s get going. Right here at the start I am going to share
something with you people and it does not leave this room. I say this with absolute confidence, because
we are on C- Span. Who doesn’t love C-SPAN, seriously? C-SPAN. It’s an entire channel shot the backup Camera
on a Ford Explorer. Congratulations to C-SPAN for winning the
bid to broadcast this event. They narrowly beat out HD TV two, TVC South
America and the Hilton Hotel how to check out channel. That’s right, the Hilton. It is great to be here at the Hilton. Is it just me or is it time to stop using
Priceline to book this event? No, I really love the Hilton. I love their motto, sorry the Radisson was
booked. I was worried that because of the sequester
we would be forced to hold this event at a less prestigious hotel then the dc Hilton. Then I was told that was not possible. I do want to thank the Hilton for accommodating
us. They were kind enough to reschedule a cash
for gold seminar. By the way, for those of you here for the
cash for gold seminar, that has been moved to salon ‘B’ on the mezzanine. And if Joe Biden asks, there are no extra
tickets for that, either. Quick announcement, before we really get going,
before we continue, if any of you are live tweeting this event, please use the #incapable
oflivinginthemoment. [laughter] yeah. Yeah. Yes, Yes. Also, to any U.S. Senators here tonight, if
you would like to switch your dessert or your position on gay marriage, please signal a
waiter. By the way Speaking of dinner, tonight entrees
were halibut, and filet mignon. Or as CNN reported, lasagna and couscous. There is a gavel here, and I don’t know
why. [gavel pounds] Here is a fun fact about tonight’s food,
everything you it was personally shot by Wayne Lapierre. Don’t worry it was during a home invasion. The fish came in through the window. It wasn’t peppercorn, it was buckshot, ladies
and gentlemen. Incidentally, you may not know this, but Wayne
Lapierre is merely the executive Vice President of the NRA. Which begs the question, how freaking crazy
do you have to be to be the actual President of the NRA? He is not even at the top. Also, I would like to acknowledge that earlier
this evening there was some confusion with the seating chart. For a moment, someone accidentally sat governor
Chris Christie with the Republicans. That was awkward, and I apologize. Very awkward. But speaking of tables, before dinner, I had
a chance to mingle, you probably saw me. I worked the crowd, shook some hands and sold
my twitter account to Al Jazeera for $500 million. They will buy anything. (ah ha ha ha ha ha) It is an absolute joy to be her at the White
House correspondents dinner. Last year, Tom Brokaw criticized this event
for having too many superstars and A-list celebrities. When I told him I would be attending this
year, he said, that’s more like it. That should not be funny to you. But this is really a star- studded event. this year, you have taken it to new heights. I have to congratulate you. New heights! Because you have some of the guy from duck
dynasty is here – duck dynasty. Which can only mean one thing, the guys from
storage wars said no. I love duck dynasty, don’t get me wrong. I really don’t think the whistle — all
my god, it works. It’s incredible. He is here. I always hated that one. As some of you know, this is my second time
speaking at this event. I was 18 years ago in 1995, a lot has changed
since then. Today you can get real-time information on
world events from something small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. Back in 1995, we called that George Stephanopoulos. I can see if George is here because there
is a crouton in the way. It is amazing to think how much our country
has changed in 18 years. Think about it. If in 1995 you told me that in 2013, we would
have an African- American President with a middle name Hussein, who was just reelected
to a second term in a sluggish economy, I would have said, oh, he must have run against
Mitt Romney. By the way, no offense, Mr. President, I do
congratulate you on your victory, but as a late-night comedian, I was kind of pulling
for the rich guy who’s horse danced in the Olympics. The demographics of this country have been
rapidly changing over the past two decades. I look forward to hosting this event 18 years
from now. Then, my opening line will be, [speaking spanish]
Si. Especialmente, Presidente Mario Lopez. But, my prior experience has taught me how
these dinners work. If the President laughs, everyone laughs. If the Fox News table laughs, a little girl
just fell off her bike. How are you doing, Bill? Yes, all the Washington news media are here
tonight, including the stars of online journalism. I did the Huffington post has a table. Which has me wondering, if you are here, who
is covering Miley Cyrus’s latest nip slip? Who is assembling today’s top 25 yogurt
related tweets? Seven mistakes your making with bacon, and
that’s a real one, and you should be ashamed our yourselves. By the way, just before dinner, I tried to
say a quick hello to Arianna Huffington, but she made me watch a 32 second ad first. — 30-second ad first. Yes, a lot of online stars in the room, but
unfortunately Matt Drudge couldn’t make it. Ya, he had a prior commitment to teach a web
design class in 1997. Of course, the Washington print media is also
joining us this evening. The print media are here for two very good
reasons. food and shelter. You know, how are you, you know, some people
say print media is dying, but I don’t believe it. Neither does my blacksmith. You have got to meet Zachariah, he is great. Man, rough year for Newsweek, which after
80 years published its last print issue. Yeah. Time magazine might be gloating, but they
really shouldn’t, because Time will outlive Newsweek a way Juliett outlived Romeo. Read the play, it is very smart. Things are so tough for old media, Reuters
– (this is a true story) Reuters is having its after party right here at the Hilton. Because nothing says we are having a great
here like having your after party at the same table where you just had dinner. With that in mind, Reuters is asking everyone
here to leave a little wine at the bottom of the glass. And to be fair, print media still has a big
star in Bob Woodward. Got to give it up for Bob
Woodward. [applause] Earlier this evening, a waiter
asked him if he wanted regular or decaf and he said, Stop threatening me! Also tonight, some big names in television
news. When it comes to television news, we have
a divided landscape. Fox news is watched by conservatives, MSNBC
watched by liberals and CNN is watched by people who clean the offices at CNN. [laughter]
[oohs] Oh, it gets worst. CNN’s ratings are so low, now when it comes
up, James Earl Jones says, you are watching CNN? what the hell? I have to say, in the past two years, CNN
has made some odd moves. It replaced the — popular Larry King with
one of the scheming footman from “Downton Abbey.” it is good to
see my old friends at MSNBC. Chris Matthews is here. Chris Matthews has the only show where the
commercial exists just so they can wipe the spittle off the lens. By the way, during the Boston
coverage on MSNBC last week, Chuck Todd stopped a pundit from speculating on on fire side
— unverified information. There is no joke here. I’m just letting the people at CNN know
that you can do that. This is a learning experience. Hello to Fox news star Bill O’Reilly, Bill
has become quite the author. He’s had two recent bestsellers, ” Killing
Kennedy” and “killing Lincoln.” He also wrote a book that wasn’t as nearly
as popular – the Natural Peaceful Death of Taft. What were you thinking. The truth is Bill O’Reilly (and this is
true) is now working on his next book, due out this fall, this time about the killing
of Jesus. It will be the first time in history Jesus’s
death is blamed on Obamacare. Two quick shout outs to PBS and NPR. PBS — yes! [applause] Those people love
to party. Guys if you get lucky tonight – Be safe,
where a tote bag. It works. You have got to love NPR. Still the number one source for news delivered
as if there is a toddler sleeping in the next room. Shh! NBC NEWS is in the house. They have had a rough go of it. The Today Show let go of Ann Curry. After being told that an curry said, how broker
tells the world that he crafted answer the White House and I am getting fired? Al is the reason there are no more tours of
the White House, they’re still hosing it down. Brian Williams is here. Brian – I am a big fan of your show. Rock Center with Brian Williams – If you
haven’t seen it, imagine brand delivering the evening news on a different floor of the
building, a little later, with a slightly different tie. It is a mind blower. You gotta check it out. As I look all around the room, I see all the
media here tonight, I realize this is one big high school cafeteria. That is all it is. Think about it. Fox is the jocks. MSNBC is the nerds. Bloggers are the Goths. NPR is the table for kids with peanut allergies. [laughter] Al Jazeera is the weird foreign-
exchange student nobody talks to. And print media, you are the poor kid who
died sophomore year in a car crash. Ya, cheer up, we dedicate the yearbook to
you. Of course, probably the biggest or that people
covered this past year was the Republicans failure to recapture the White House. Hard to believe they did not fare better with
this port of celebrities like Ted Nugent and Meatloaf. They underestimated the number of voters who
still drive carpeted vans. The republican party’s on the mend. One rising star on the right is Senator Marco
Rubio. Or as he is known in the republican party,
our black guy. Ya. By the way, as of today come in the U.S. Senate
has a record number of African- american senators. Two. Two. In other words, there are now more African-Americans
in the senate and in a Mumford and Sons concert. Thank you, younger people. Paul Ryan — I don’t understand! What’s he babbling about? Who is this man? Paul Ryan recently — he really burst through
when he ran or Vice President. After the election, Ryan said President Obama
was reelected because of the high turnout of urban voters. When he was asked how he liked his coffee
he said, no milk, no sugar, just urban. Well there is RNC chairman writes previous
— Reince Priebus. Tonight he is sitting between his brothers
lather and repeat. House majority leader Eric Cantor is here. Or as I like to refer to him, yet another
Jewish Republican from the south — Get sold. That also reminds me also joining us a Congressman
from New York named Steve Israel. He is from New York and his name is Israel. Now, there is pandering, and then there is
pandering. That is like having a Congressman from South
Carolina named Jesus H.Gun – my name is Jesus – Jesus H. Gun. You’ve got to use this thing, it is fantastic. [Gavel Pounds] I mentioned Chris Christie earlier, governor
Christie and Shaquille O’neal are sitting at the same dinner table. So, let’s give it up for the real unsung
hero tonight, their waiter. That poor bastard is gonna lose an arm. And I believe we have one or two supreme court
justices here. The supreme court seems divided over same-sex
marriage. The liberal justices favorite it while the
conservatives oppose any life long union between two men, unless it is Antonin Scalia and Clarence
Thomas. What the hell was that? There’s no surprise, Speaker John Boehner
is not here tonight. Speaker banner and President Obama are still
struggling to get along. President Obama and John Boehner, are kind
of like a blind date between Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow. In theory, they understand each other’s
positions, but deep down, you know nothing’s ever gonna happen. [Gavel Pounds] [Gavel Pounds] Speaking of
nothing happening, we are all hoping of course that nothing happens with North Korea. And that got me wondering, what is with Kim
Jong-un? In the past, we have had really scary enemies
like Saddam Hussain and Hitler. Now, suddenly our nemesis is a pouty teenage
boy who dresses like Rosie O’donnell at the Emmys. Kim Jong-un does not understand that we aren’t
afraid of him. What that guy doesn’t get is
that we already have an unstable peninsula that will ultimately bring down america. It is called Florida. Yes it is. Yes, President Obama has a lot on his plate
right now. But he is at the very nice stage where there
are no more secrets left to come out about him. We all know that he lived in Indonesia as
a child, studied at a Muslim seminary and occasionally ate dog. From the beginning, a kid who had his eyes
set on the U.S. Presidency. Check, and check. Here I come. I know the relationship between the President
and the press can seem a bit strained at times. Some in this room have accused him of being
distant and aloof. When I asked the President about it earlier,
he said, oh, and then walked away. Of course it is only natural, but Mr. President
election was less exciting than the first time around in 2008. An election night on 2008, you celebrated
with hundreds of thousands of people in Chicago’s Grant park. It was fascinating. This time around, you split the Char-dog with
David Axelrod at the wiener circle. It just did not have the same buzz. And by the way I have a question. And I think some of you also have this question. It has been several months since you were
reelected, so I am curious, why are you still sending everyone five e-mails a day asking
for more money? You won. Do you have a gambling problem we don’t
know about? Did you put it all on Gonzaga? You did, didn’t you? He did. [gavel pounds] President Obama has already made a lot of
changes in his second term. You recently, Sir, you recently appointed
John Kerry and Chuck Hagel. Very smart moves. You appointed the only two people in the United
States who look even more tired than you. A great strategy. Mr. President, you will leave office as a
very young man. And yet the Presidency has taken it’s toll. I don’t want to alarm you sir, but you are
starting to look like a judge on “Law and Order.” Just say, you are on thin ice, counselor. You could have that part right away. Seriously, Mr. President, your hair is so
white, it could be a member of your cabinet. He can handle it. Speaking of the Cabinent, the President, he
recently picked the new treasury secretary, Jack Lew. If the President ever has to let him go, he
can say, it is not Lew, it’s me. But the quote a city must but the President
is that he is always the coolest guy in the room. That is what everyone says. He is the coolest guy in the room. Here is my question. Who else is in that room? It is not hard to be the cool one when the
other guys in the room are Biden, Hagel, and Kerry. I would be cool to if I was in a room where
Tom Vilsack is showing Steven Chu how to do the Harlem Shake. Now, I have made some jokes about the President
this evening. Now, I am looking forward to my audit. President Obama:
It’s coming. Conan O'Brien:
It is coming. I know, sir, It’s coming. But, I would like to take a moment here and
change gears and say some into the President. Regarding the events of the past two weeks. Some of you may not know this. I grew up in Boston. My parents still live there. My brother, Luke, raised his family in Watertown. I would like to take this opportunity to thank,
you Mr. President, for visiting that great city and helping its people begin to heal
with your inspiring words. It’s made a huge difference. It has been said recently that you don’t
mess with Boston. As someone who grew up there, I would like
to echo that sentiment. It is really pretty simple. If you’re going to pick on a city, don’t
choose one where nine out of 10 people are related to a cop. Don’t do it. It’s stupid. And that includes myself. I have one more thing to mention before I
go. Everyone is obsessed with Washington these
days. You all saw how you went crazy for “house
of cards” “homeland”, Hollywood can’t get enough of your world. Well, tonight, I’m excited to announce that
they are going to make a television miniseries about the power players here in Washington. They just finished the casting, and I would
like to announce who is going to play who. This is big. Vice President Joe Biden is going to be played
by Bob Barker. Former White House adviser David Axelrod will
be played by Higgins from Magnum P.I. This was also produced by Steven Spielberg,
by the way. Representative Paul Ryan will be played by
Mr. Bean. Senator Chuck Schumer will be played by Grandpa
Munster. Senator Harry Reid will be played by the old
man from the American Gothic painting. Fox news Ceo Roger Ailes will be played by
Boss Hog, we signed the deal. Speaker of the House John Banner will be played
by TAN-MOM. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano
will be played by Paul Giamatti. Former White House Chief of Staff and Chicago
Mayor Rahm Emanuel will be played by Stewie from “Family Guy.” Secretary of State John Kerry will be played
by any Easter island head. I cannot tell those two apart. Supreme court Chief Justice John Roberts will
be played by Buzz Light Year. Senator Mitch Mcconnell will be played by
Dame Edna. CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer will be played by
a Furby. NRA executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre
will be played by the face melt guy from The Raiders of the Lost Ark. And finally, White House press secretary Jay
Carney will be played by Ralphie from “a Christmas story. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a huge honor. Thank you very much.
