-Good evening,
ladies and remaining gentlemen. [ Laughter ] I'm Seth Meyers,
and I'll be your host tonight. Welcome to
the 75th annual Golden Globes, and Happy New Year, Hollywood. [ Cheers and applause ] It's 2018. Marijuana is finally allowed, and sexual harassment
finally isn't. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] It's gonna be a good year! [ Cheers and applause
continues ] This was the year of
big little lies and "get out" and also the television series
"Big Little Lies" and the movie "Get Out." [ Laughter ] There's a new era under way,
and I can tell, because it's been years
since a white man was this nervous in Hollywood. [ Laughter ] By the way,
a special hello to hosts of other upcoming awards shows
who are watching me tonight like the first dog
they shot into outer space. [ Laughter and applause ] For the male nominees
in the room tonight, this is the first time
in three months it won't be terrifying
to hear your name read out loud. [ Laughter and applause ] "Did you hear
about Willem Dafoe?" "Oh, God, no!"
"He was nominated." "Don't do that!
[ Laughter ] Don't do that!" [ Laughter and applause ] Considering what has been going
on this year with powerful men and their terrible behavior
in Hollywood, a lot of people thought
it would be more appropriate for a woman
to host these awards, and they may be right. But if it's any consolation, I'm a man with absolutely
no power in Hollywood. [ Laughter ] I'm not even the most powerful
Seth in the room tonight. [ Laughter ] Hey, remember
when he was the guy making trouble with North Korea? [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] Remember that? [ Applause continues ] Simpler times.
[ Laughter ] They tried to get a woman
to host this show -- they really did. They said, "Hey, how would you
like to come and be judged by some of the most powerful
people in Hollywood?" And women were like,
"Hmm, well, where is it?" And they said,
"It's at a hotel," and long story short,
I'm your host tonight. [ Laughter ] And we're all here tonight courtesy of
the Hollywood Foreign Press. A strin-- Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ] Give it up
for the Hollywood Foreign Press. A string of three words
that could not have been better designed
to infuriate our President -- Hollywood Foreign Press. [ Laughter and applause ] The only name
that would make him angrier would be the Hillary Mexico
Salad Association. [ Laughter and applause ] Well, I think it's time
to address the elephant not in the room. Harvey Weinstein
isn't here tonight, because, well, I've heard rumors that he's crazy
and difficult to work with. [ Laughter ] But don't worry --
he'll be back in 20 years when he becomes the first person ever booed
during the "In Memoriam." [ Laughter, audience groans ] It'll sound like that. [ Laughter ] Well, despite everything
that happened this year, the show goes on. For example, I was happy to hear they're gonna do another season
of "House of Cards." Is Christopher Plummer
available for that, too? [ Laughter ] I hope he can do
a Southern accent, 'cause Kevin Spacey
sure couldn't. [ Laughter, audience groans ] Oh, is that too mean? To Kevin Spacey? [ Laughter ] Daniel Kaluuya
is nominated for Best Actor... [ Cheers and applause ]
...for his work in "Get Out." Daniel plays a young man
lured to an event full of aging white people desperate
to reclaim their youth, and -- oh, my God,
Daniel, it's a trap! Get out!
[ Laughter ] "Get Out" was a great film
to see in a theater and also a great way to tell
if your date was a racist. If you walked out after
that movie and your date said, "It was so sad when they hit
that deer," they're a racist. You went to a movie
with a racist. "The Shape of Water"
received the most nominations of any film this year. [ Cheers and applause ] Just an incredibly
beautiful film. But I have to admit,
when I first heard about a film
where a naive young woman falls in love
with a disgusting sea monster, I thought, "Oh, man,
not another Woody Allen movie." [ Laughter ] It's like "Manhattan" in water. "The Post" is nominated
for Best Picture tonight. "The Post"...
[ Cheers and applause ] "The Post" is a film
about journalistic integrity, directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Tom Hanks
and Meryl Streep -- No, not yet, we have to wait. [ Laughter ] We have to wait
and see what happens. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] There was some great television
nominated this year, too. We had another fantastic season
of "Stranger Things." [ Cheers and applause ] "Stranger Things" reminded me
so much of my childhood. Not the sci-fi stuff, and I
didn't really have any friends. I don't know how to ride a bike. Basically, just the part where a guy from RadioShack
dated my mom. [ Laughter ] "Sesame Street"
recently released a parody of "Stranger Things,"
titled "Sharing Things." Meanwhile, Bert and Ernie
have been doing a parody of "Call Me By Your Name"
for years. [ Laughter ] I live in New York, so one of my favorite shows
of the year was "The Deuce." If you haven't seen it,
"The Deuce" is a show about Times Square
in the early '70s, when New York was so seedy
there were two James Francos. [ Laughter ] Oprah Winfrey is receiving the
Cecil B. DeMille Award tonight. [ Cheers and applause ] What a tremendous honor for Cecil B. DeMille. [ Laughter ] And, Oprah, while I have you,
in 2011, I told some jokes about our current president at the White House
Correspondents Dinner -- jokes about how he was
unqualified to be president -- and some have said that night
convinced him to run. So if that's true,
I just want to say -- Oprah, you will
never be President! [ Laughter ] You do not have what it takes! And Hanks!
Where's Hanks?! You will never
be Vice President! [ Laughter ] You are
too mean and unrelatable! [ Laughter ] Now we just wait and see. [ Laughter ] So if I may, on my show,
we do a segment called "Jokes Seth Can't Tell"
with two of my writers, Amber Ruffin and Jenny Hagel,
where they tell punch lines that would be more fun
coming from them instead of me, a straight white male. Tonight,
that's more true than ever, so we thought we could enlist some of the brilliant people
in this room, so let's start. Where's Jessica Chastain?
Jessica Chastain? There she is.
Give it up for Jessica. [ Cheers and applause ] So I'm gonna say the setup, and Jessica's
gonna say the punch line. Okay, here we go. The Golden Globes
turns 75 this year... -But the actress that plays
its wife is still only 32. [ Laughter ] -There you go!
So much more fun. Where's Billy Eichner? -I'm here!
I'm right over here. -Here you go.
Here's your setup, Billy -- "Call Me By Your Name" is nominated
for best motion picture. It is a gay
coming-of-age film... -Said Kevin Spacey,
"You lost me at 'of age.'" [ Laughter, audience groans ] -And you thought it was mean when I said he didn't have
a Southern accent! [ Laughter ] Issa Rae is nominated
for her HBO show, "Insecure." [ Cheers and applause ] There's Issa.
-Hey. -All right, here's your setup. "Insecure" creator Issa Rae
currently has three projects in development with HBO. -Yeah, that's right,
and three projects is also where they think
I'm from. [ Laughter ] -Next up, Hong Chau, so brilliant
in the film "Downsizing." Let's see Hong.
[ Cheers and applause ] Here's the setup --
according to a recent article, only 5% of speaking roles
in Hollywood are played by Asian actors. -But those numbers might be off since a white person
did the math. [ Laughter and applause ] -All right, where's Amy Poehler? All right,
there you are, Amy! Do you want to do one? -Uh, yeah, I'll do one,
but I don't need your help. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, but, no, I do the setup,
and then you do the punch line. -Oh, is that how it works?
[ Laughter ] You're -- You're explaining
something I already know. Is this the mansplaining
part of the evening? -No, no, I just don't think
it'll work without a setup to your punch line. -Oh, well, I'm glad
to know what you think. First of all, thank you
for telling me what you think. And, secondly,
I'm a woman in Hollywood, Seth. We've all been through a lot. I don't need a setup
to make a punch line work. Okay?
You're sadly mistaken. -Okay, I'm sorry.
I apologize. -Oh, another apology.
How wonderful. [ Laughter ] All right.
Let me just get started. I'm reclaiming my wine.
Here we go. [ Laughter ] Okay. -So you're gonna just
do a punch line with no setup. -Everybody gets it!
You already explained it! Stop explaining it! Oh, my God!
Okay. Punch line. No setup.
Here we go. Said the peach
in "Call Me By Your Name," this scene is the pits. [ Laughter and applause ] -Thank you so much, Amy. Also, I want to point out
that sitting next to Amy is Saru Jayaraman.
Give it up for Saru, everyone. [ Cheers and applause ] She is one of many activists
from outside of this industry who have been
invited here tonight in support of
the Time's Up initiative. It's great.
Yeah, give it up. [ Cheers and applause ] It's great
that this movement understands that what tarnished
our world this year tarnishes so many others and is
reaching out to help them, too. And I know
if you're watching at home and you see everyone
in their tuxedos and gowns, this looks like a room
of privileged Hollywood elite. And that's fair.
But everyone in this room knows that Hollywood
is so much more than that. When you're on a film set,
you meet hairdressers and camera people
and script supervisors. Most of the jobs on film sets are jobs for people
who work long, hard hours. They are American dream jobs. Those people aren't there... [ Cheers and applause ] Those people aren't there
thanks to their rich dad, except for that one P.A. [ Laughter ] Every film set has at least
one super-connected P.A. who is always late. And you ask what the hell
his deal is, someone's like, "Oh, that's Jeremy Paramount." [ Laughter ] "Give Jeremy his space." People in this room
worked really hard to get here, but it's clearer now
than ever before that the women
had to work even harder. So thank you
for all the amazing work that you've all done
and you continue to do. I look forward to you leading us
into whatever comes next. So thank you so much
for letting me say that. [ Cheers and applause ]
He was fucking nailing these jokes and people had sticks to far up their asses to laugh. Like really your sad for a Harvey Weinstein joke yet you clap for Oprah's speech?
Amy Phoeler is a wonderful actress.
I see he actually took the joke about insulting Oprah from the lads on Pod Save America.
Didn't get the deer joke (if they said 'it was so sad when they hit that deer, they're racist'. Could someone please explain it like I'm five?