Codependents THINK They're Just Being Nice But Here's the Brutal Reality

some people have a hard time thinking of  anybody but themselves and it costs them   a lot of friends but some people are totally  unwilling to think about or look at themselves   and it costs them just about everything and  instead of having a healthy sense of their own   strengths and weaknesses they're obsessed with  what another person is thinking what are they   doing what are they failing at i've heard about 20  definitions of you know what is codependency in my   life and it's everything from like somebody who's  too dependent which it's that's not what it is   or it's someone who gets wrapped up in alcoholics  and addicts and sometimes that's what it is   people pleasing definitely a part of it but  what i see it as is a person who loses their   sovereignty over themselves they lose their  sense that they own and direct their own lives   and they shove all that to the side in a vague  cloud their identity their hopes their problems   and they become overly focused you know to  a sick degree on someone else's problems   or what they perceive the other person's problems  to be problems that might not even exist right but   codependents are absolutely convinced that if the  other person would stop having that problem then   they could feel happy at last problem's not in  here they think it's it's in you it's out there   and you know how can you not change when you know  how much i need you to be this idea of you that i   created how you should be your potential right  are you really gifted at seeing other people's   potential i used to have a real superpower for  that too i see the potential i could be awesome if   you would change this person i imagine you to be  because i just really believe in your potential   it's a way to avoid looking at yourself and it  can get pretty bad it's futile it's a waste of   precious life force that you could use to have a  meaningful and useful life but all of that falls   away whether you're trying to get a partner  to be kind and loving which is a good goal or   you're trying to get a parent to finally validate  you or apologize to you or you're trying to get   your adult kid to basically you know share your  values be like you but which i don't know we might   not wish that on them because if you're like most  codependents chances are good that you're worn out   you are unfulfilled you're probably broke you're  lonely you're discovering that neglect of yourself   while you are focusing on other people is a pretty  unhappy lot in life now there's usually a lot of   hurt and anger driving codependent behavior and  the irony is that focusing on some idea of others   is actually quite self-centered because pressuring  people to be like you or or how you imagine they   could be it's the opposite of being present  with them it's the opposite of witnessing them   it's definitely not love nagging and scolding  is not love and so often people with codependent   tendencies end up without love in their lives it's  very common for people who were hurt by neglect   and abuse when they were kids but it doesn't have  to define you it doesn't have to control your life   so how do you know if you're being codependent or  if someone in your life is getting all codependent   on you let's talk about some signs these are some  things i've noticed codependent people do all   right codependent people second guess themselves  when they feel like they've been mistreated a   little loop kicks in and makes them distort what  they're seeing and so instead of thinking uh you   know what i don't accept this they instead think  that person needs to change so that i don't feel   hurt and instead of accepting other people and  accepting by the way it doesn't mean that you   condone bad behavior accepting people just means  you see things how they are and you realize that's   how they are and you don't put all your effort  into trying to make other people be different you   accept that's how they are so instead of setting  a boundary walking away from people who you accept   do not meet your standards then you end up holding  on tight or maybe even like seizing on that person   because leaving for a lot of people  with ptsd it doesn't feel like an option   that abandonment wound makes it it makes leaving  a relationship feel like you know one step   lighter than death just very hard to do and so a  codependent will end up pushing and pushing and   pushing to convince the other person you have  to change you must change what you're doing   they don't think that's what they're doing of  course they think that what they're doing is   you know hurt encouraging helping right and  if the other person doesn't want to change   or be helped then the codependent increases the  pressure again they don't leave but they stay   and the pressure starts to go up and up and it  can come out at the extremes of like shame and   threats and manipulation you know i'll leave you  i'll hurt myself i'll tell everybody what you did   now if you've been with somebody who  does this kind of thing makes threats   you probably once you know reacted to it then you  stopped taking it seriously then you kind of shut   down to the person threats are very destructive  to relationships sometimes people do mean it   when they make threats and that's very serious  but that's not what we're talking about here   codependents are are very likely to come to harm  for themselves in a gradual manner later in life   because of stress because of anger and very  significantly because of a lack of self-care   they're starved for self-care if you want a  quick way to test your own self-care look in your   underwear drawer is everything old and tattered  and shoved in there and ugly and shameful for you   that is what a lack of self-care looks  like you want to know an easy way to be   caring about underwear go down to target you can  get six nice pairs nice colors for 10 or 12 bucks   that is self-care same goes for regular dental  visits same goes for paying your taxes on time   keeping your car tidy even if your car is cruddy  and old having it tidy inside shows that you care   about yourself when those things are out of  order when there's just a big mess out there   but all the time instead of working on it a  person is fixated on how some other person   or a group of people or a kind of person or the  government or their parents did them wrong and   parents might have done them wrong but if it's  like an obsession and it's gone on for decades   and it's taking the place of any kind of  appropriate self-care keeping life in order you   know pursuing happiness the belief that if someone  would change even a person who hasn't been alive   for 20 years is the obstacle that's like saying  you know i can't be expected to be happy not ever   now another thing about codependents they aren't  straightforward about their motives and in fact i   don't think they usually know their motives they  want to feel better everybody does but they have   a misunderstanding of what's causing the pain  in the first place and they know that when they   ask for what they want which is for you to change  it doesn't tend to go well so their criticisms are   masked as like you know little observations that  you know you didn't do the thing that you were   supposed to do and they'll say it with  a really cheerful voice oh you know   and deny that they're pressuring you but of  course we feel each other's energy you can   feel a criticism even when it's disguised with a  nice little voice there's a nice little comment   you can feel it and because a codependent can't  admit to themselves that they're criticizing   it can be crazy making to interact with them  on this you can't really talk it through you   can't solve it really because there's some  there's something amiss that's in their head   they think that you can fix it but it's usually  not something you can fix for them so they remain   unhappy the pressure continues the motive for  a codependent is generally to feel happier   right but they're working with trauma wounds  and trauma wounds give all of us a blind spot   toward what actually can make us happy in  the case of codependents what a codependent   struggles to see is that the happy thing would  be to develop themselves to allow relationships   to form naturally with good people who care about  them who show up and gradually give more to the   relationship they don't have to be forced and  it's sad but a codependent will go through life   without ever experiencing that you know someone  just volunteering to love them so instead of   forming happy relationships codependents  will often attach to dysfunctional people   which offers the opportunity when they're feeling  that sadness and emptiness to have something come   in and like you know sweep away that sadness and  it's that little fixer engine inside of just like   somebody with a problem i know what to do i know  what to do i know what to do and that feels good   for them you know it it they feel the energy of  it and it distracts them from everything that's   missing in their own life now what's missing  in a codependent's life what's missing is love   connection financial stability a vision for their  own future they wait for another person to come   along and define those things for them and if  it's not looking good from the outside it's   it still has something they can  use the dysfunctional relationship   because it's an opportunity for them to throw  their energy into another person's problems   rather than to sit there with that energy  and face themselves about what's missing and   you know begin to do something about that a  codependent likes to feel like the responsible   one the wise one the poor suffering one who holds  everything together even though people have almost   never asked them to play this role but it's how  they find meaning it's a substitute for meaning   so another thing about codependents the importance  they place on seeming to have it all together is   huge and it often prevents them from connecting  with people or asking for help when they need help   and i've had my own bitter experience with that my  pride you know just feeling uncomfortable asking   for help a co-dependent finds it hard to admit  personal failures and worries things that most   people feel from time to time when they're feeling  down thoughts like you know i'm not really sure   anyone really likes me or i thought i'd be further  along in my life than i am right now that's   pretty common but codependents can't go there they  feel pain they feel anxious about those things but   they'll only be able to see it as something that  someone else did or failed to do they feel like   all their relationships just happened to them  they have a hard time seeing that they signed   up for most of their relationships and it's so  understandable how a person could develop this   aversion to seeing themselves fully codependent  starts in childhood when external problems may   have been so extreme that the person never had  a chance to focus on their own life or in a lot   of cases they were neglected badly or this is a  big one criticized by parents like to the death   and they had to buffer themselves from those  thoughts that they were so bad just to get   through it and then like the rest of us there's  a need to undo those survival strategies you can   thank your survival strategies for getting  you through childhood you had to figure out   some kind of genius to do that but now it  no longer serves you survival strategies   if they're getting in the way it's just time  you know it's time to start healing them   codependents feel frustrated a lot of the time  though because they feel so ineffective they   don't get people to change their life projects  don't tend to turn out and when they express   themselves what they say tends to be more what  they believe will be effective at making others   care or change there's that distortion that loop  going so they struggle to just say what they think   directly and honestly and then so they don't  get what they want they they don't have   the experience of just letting the chips  fall where they may and finding out that   it's actually going to be okay they don't have  to like drive everything or control everything   you might want to try that sometime you know just  to express yourself honestly i'm not talking about   hurting people but just say how you really feel  about something and then just let everything   see what happens just see what happens  and i'll tell you that in my experience   it was a long time ago very early when i  learned my daily practice the techniques that   are very calming that i teach everybody when  i first started doing that i experimented with   the radical proposition that life would not fall  apart if i didn't manage everybody i just kind of   had this epiphany that that's what i was doing i  was so afraid that everybody was leaving me that i   was kind of working them all the time i was always  being slightly unreal with them you know trying to   charm them or convince them or guilt-trip them  there was always something going on with me   and then i just decided i don't know if they're  gonna leave they'll just leave and i just kind   of relaxed and i was myself and you can imagine  you can guess what happened you know people came   a little closer not it wasn't perfect but it  totally like turned the tide on what at that   time in my life had been like a big retreat from  people the tide was going out of people in my life   and then that calmed when i just let people be how  they were that tendency to place all that power in   another person you know to to make you happy  can be so automatic such an unquestioned part   of yourself that you can end up doing it when you  don't even know you're doing it like for example   to somebody you've only been dating for a couple  weeks you know oh you're already in there like you   know trying to affect how they see you and what  they think of you and that may feel natural to you   but it's actually not natural what's natural is to  be yourself and see if somebody sort of is drawn   to you so it's fun at first it's fun at first to  get into kind of a fixer project with somebody   before there's any bitterness before there's any  anxiety about getting left it's like a fun project   something fun came into your life it's like making  a pinata and then even when you see what you're   doing and you want to stop it's weird codependence  can feel it can feel like a force of nature   like it's always conforming you and your  relationships to that same pattern like   you try to break the pattern you get sucked  right back into it patterns like always   choosing partners who have some limitation like  they can't be with you or you get to be their   intermediary their teacher their interpreter i  knew somebody like that who was always dating   people who didn't speak the local language and was  always explaining the culture and the language to   them but it was like every relationship  right that looked to me like a pattern a   negative one but codependent wants to be helpful  that's what kind of you know gives them juice   but because they're forcing a situation rather  than responding naturally to the occasional need   for help that others have codependents often end  up feeling resentful they feel taken for granted   because they do so much more than the other  person it's not reciprocated no one asks them   to do it but in in a codependent's mind it's  like it's mathematical i did this you owe me   and and and the other people don't appreciate  or value what that codependent is doing for them   they might not even like it the codependent can't  see this is their project they weren't asked to do   this they're the ones who wanted to be seen and  to feel themselves as like the hero the one who   understands i understand you the one who defends  the underdog the one who makes excuses for them   because you know they're just so empathic and  kind-hearted and co-dependent and this gives the   codependent you know that feeling of like helping  and saving people who can't help themselves or who   they think can't help themselves you know gives  a sense of purpose it's an identity at least   for a little while because you know why is that  necessary because there really isn't that identity   in there they never got a chance to develop it  when they were little and it makes it way too   easy to settle for something that's not really  any good now so codependence is not a happy way   to live life it often brings on health problems  money problems problems on the job you try to   show what a good job you can do and it never  gets appreciated that's that's how it works that   can happen because of other people that's possible  but it can also happen when a person isn't able to   be self-reflective and acts like a busybody or a  critic or gets controlling with other people that   doesn't lead to success on the job it's not a good  energy for working with the team it's like having   an addiction though i'm not sure that codependence  and addiction are really the same thing   it's subtle it's hard to put your finger on and  like all forms of emotional healing trauma healing   recovering from codependence requires an a just  an astonishing capacity to face honestly what's   happening to tolerate the unfolding of life in all  the ways that you can't control that you couldn't   see before that sometimes is a little unpleasant  you might not feel good about yourself in certain   cases but you need to be able to tolerate that  and look at it and go okay yeah i did that and i'm   interested in changing to heal you need a way to  be able to see what's happening in your life where   you may be forgetting to care for yourself or you  may be dumbing down your integrity as a person   you know or throwing all your energy away on some  project person hurting your relationships you can   use calming techniques that make it safer to just  face where the problem might be is it someone in   your life is it you is there something you want  to change these are good questions to ask yourself   they often don't have simple answers they require  reflection talking to others seeking support   they're honest questions and healing  comes when you can gently open up to ask   them and to set to work on healing what you  find now you can learn my calming techniques   in my daily practice course it's free it's pretty  easy to learn takes less than an hour to learn it   and try it it's always accessible through the  links in the description section below if you   love this topic and you feel like someone in your  life is acting controlling but you're not sure   because they're so nice i've got a video lined up  for you right here and i will see you very soon you

Channel: Crappy Childhood Fairy

Views: 176,842

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Id: tGqmvuRW6KM

Length: 18min 30sec (1110 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 11 2022