Christopher Hitchens Does Standup (2005)

vanity fair christopher hitchens i didn't see what's so funny i don't find it amusing at all there's this rabbi and a priest and they walk into a bar together in new york and the and the bar man says what is this some kind of joke they say that um brevity is the the soul of which i think i just disprove that i think jokes should be long don't you i don't think they can easily be political politics isn't very funny i don't find it amusing any longer i think what one needs is actually not better politicians but a better electorate and some better journalists will you you guys just laughed at donkey and elephant jokes jesus and the people who brought cue cards the last time i did this was at the improv and i was beaten by joe lieberman with how funny was that it's like um it's like a larry king interview he you know the questions are going to be tough he says so you've got all the money in the world you have the supermodel on your arm you have the book contract the mcarthur genius award what the is that what the hell is that about then you know you have tough question for the member of the prince and people don't even listen to the answers you know um people don't hear what they're saying jimmy hoffer jr when he first ran for president of the teamsters union they said what's your ambition he said i want to follow in my father's footsteps i heard him said there was no supplementary question no funny one so so what i'm going to have to do to you know beguile the weary hour is um i've no intention of being brief by the way the brevity bit is over i think um i think all filth is local and that a joke isn't a joke unless it's at somebody's expense um service this guy fighting traffic driving home in los angeles really tough on the freeway and he knows he's going to be laid home so he picks up his car and he punches in the number voice answers see he says teresa he said uh just tell her mrs would you wake her up uh i got something to tell her um she leaves the phone comes back says mies is in the bedroom senior well well wake up i gotta talk to her no mrs in bedroom with autro other other hombre okay you're still fighting this traffic just okay where are you in the den see uh look at my desk pull over the left-hand draw have you pulled it open he's in it is there a gun there see okay take the gun go upstairs shoot her shoot him get on the extension long fighting the traffic juggling the whole thing and uh finally the extensions picked up and he says teresa said you should see have you killed him see okay now i want you to open the window and throw both of the bodies out into the swimming pool no swimming pool here is this 3102 now that you'll notice is a clean joke if a joke can't be short if it can't be long if it can't be clean it should have a beat someone's expense it's like limericks um most people think limericks are gonna be filthy that can be where they make their big mistake there was a young engine driver named hunt who was given an engine to shunt saw a runaway truck by yelling out duck save the life of the fellow in front you see you're all that's what you want isn't it you wanted that to be you wanted that to be filthier well then uh these two onions male onion female onion rolling along together pump bang into each other instant rapport a torrential affair begins they can't get enough of each other pretty soon an onion bonding has occurred not long i think to make to try the knot get together make it legal and the union is blessed you'll be glad to hear uh and a little baby on him tiny little cocktail onion is born and um this means of course that the father onion has to put in more time of the shipyard extra shifts you know what it's like mother onion much encumbered with other work around the place and this and that and baby alien isn't as well well supervised as he might have been and uh as baby onions will the door being left open one day rolls out across the sidewalk right into the path of a sodding great lorry flattened out rushed to hospital team of surgeons fights all night to save his life mother onion out of it heavily sedated no more can't just can't you know can't contact gone father onion rolling up and down the corridor outside the emergency room going like this wearing a little groove in the ghastly hospital carpet towards dawn the flat doors open and the surgeon comes out pulling a mask on his head and dashing the perspiration from his eyes and says to the father onion who rolls up anxiously and says well what tell me is he will he is he what he said notice he'll live but i'm afraid he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life neither clean neither completely clean nor filthy nor you'll be noticing i hope uh nor short nor brief no cue cards nothing um just a second here um you wouldn't believe how dry it is backstage so i have to leave you with this because you have been a really great audience even though you will laugh at anything um this is the longest joke i know and i'm giving it to you it's a kind of a free gift anyone who remembers this joke will know how to tell it at any length from now on you can build in new wings to it and new extensions to it uh if you want um i'll give you the condensed version picture if you will um the romance that kindles between a young man and a young woman her eye is first caught by his extraordinary courtesy he will always take her coat he will always open the door he is always unfairly polite he's a man of extraordinary consideration he finally talks her into the sack um you can build in the extensions later so extraordinary is the convulsion of pleasure to which she brings her and the attention that he pays in order to bring this off if you will that's she lies hardly daring to speak and says i've i never knew that it could be this way with a man and a woman that i just wish i just wish there was something i could do to please you as you've pleased me and he says well as a matter of fact there is something you could do if you kept her and she said just name it and he said sort of i kind of wish you'd give me a and she says no i wish you'd said anything but that something tells me that if i do that it won't be the same between this you won't respect me you won't admire me esteem me revere me in the same way he won't defer to me so he he's a gentleman he takes it very well this is the first day it goes on like that it goes on like that for something like for a year or so and it's always the same and you can you can do your and every time she said i can't tell you and if only and he says well actually since you mention it and uh no but she says you won't you just i know it won't be the same he won't respect they get married the honeymoon night is a torrential tribute by him to her of every conceivable attention um and but in the meantime always the door held open always the taxi door held it always the code taken always the difference the tendon but even on honeymoon night she won't she just went because respect is a big thing the 10th anniversary comes see how i'm leaving you the the the room now the silver wedding i think we're talking about the pearl anniversary takes it to cancun or cayman island no somewhere beautiful the finest suite the limo the thoughtful well chosen gifts the door held open the attention the cutscene and the um unfailing uh uh pleasuring and finally she lies back and she and she says again in a dream of bliss you've given me all these decades of love and care and tenderness and sex and i just wish that only i could requite this in some way and he says well you know what i know i've mentioned this before but if you could just see your way to and she thinks really you know why not what can it hurt um so in what is still an almost maidenly manner she falls too she does her best and it's pretty good and then it's over and she thinks no that was wonderful i i should have learned to please him like this before i mean i should never have worried about his attentions his courtesy his deference they're lying they're unable to speak and this is dream of mutual assurance and the phone rings it rings and rings and rings and keeps on ringing in their suite and he says aren't you gonna get the phone well it's been real and and you've been very patient and i salute you thank you

Channel: ChristopherHitchslap

Views: 503,981

Keywords: Christopher, Hitchens, Does, Standup, (2005), funny, comedy, atheist, Atheism, Darwin, Debate, Richard, Dawkins

Id: G9ITT3NOLJk

Length: 11min 44sec (704 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 30 2011