Hello everyone, welcome, thank you very much for being here Today is going to be a very theoretical and practical conference David and I are ready, we are going to rediscover our parents In fact I am already a father, I am a son and David too, he already knows what it is to be a father And above all we are going to seek and rewrite the perception of parents a bit We have realized in the institute and in the academic department that the base, the essence of people's conflicts Everything is based on the family core Well, I also first of all thank those present here for your assistance, the people who are on the screen Volunteers too, hello to everyone Volunteers also for later at the end of this talk, of this conference, we are going to dedicate a first more theoretical part And finally we will do a whole series of cases, interventions With those present here too, to see a little bit the implementation of the theoretical principles Then put into practice through the method of video recording as we always say A bit following the line of the last conference that we made of the 5 keys to assist our relationships And as Enric was saying, also a greeting to all the people who are watching us from YouTube We are going to work on the parents, who can we say that they are the two people that above all make up our current identity and that they have marked part or practically everything that we are to this day and the importance of being able to do a reinterpretation process and preview of what we consider the father figure and the mother figure that rediscovery that comes to mean getting to know our parents again those people who may resent their father or mother that may be very attached to them, we are going to work on different systemic states and how in some way we have to integrate them in order to then be able to extract the maximum potential and apply all the resources that they have also instilled in us, not only do we inherit the negative from our parents If not, we also inherit a lot of positive things that we often forget and that it is important to recover In fact, as I was telling you after so many years of experience and multiple cases we realize that in the end we will always end up at the same place, at the same place there where we were born in the emotional environment that we have raised and we start a David base, very important, which is the following We do not have the parents that we have by chance, we have not been won in a draw the Walt Dysney movie Soul for the first time he has played something that is very important to me, it is a before and after a before life and an after life, that for the first time Walt Dysney, as I am saying, touches on a subject like a bit Taboo how that souls, life is a "to be continued" and that in reality when we come here we do not come by chance we are in a universe which is information and therefore we start from the basis that we are with the parents that we should be I will talk about my experience and above all getting to the center of the question There is a myth that you have to undo quickly and it is the following parents unconditionally love their children, this is not true, in fact, there are parents who do not know how to love there are parents who do not know how to love and above all there are parents who do not know how to create bonds between themselves and their children and therefore there are genuinely cruel parents Now, we will rediscover that, we will rewrite it, in fact, cruelty basically has two very important faces one face is the cruelty that we all know, the absence, not paying attention to the children, spending money on other things less in the family the violence itself, the screaming, the abuse, etc, etc and another violence, the other polarity, which is not seen as violence but has the same caliber unless at least the same as overprotection the permissibility of many parents over their children, that we come to create narcissistic children and some with emperor syndrome who actually mistreat their parents So with that being said, we will see throughout this lecture, we are going to touch on not those two points. but the intermediate range, those more subtle violence and as more accepted so basically throughout this lecture we will initially focus in the environment of these behaviors, dynamics that occur within the family system that perhaps many of you and you do not know how to read behaviors that can become very toxic that can get to try a lot and not allow to develop our life and develop our individuality we are going to enumerate them one by one and explain each one of them and we will also insist at the end a series of practical resources to apply in different adverse circumstances I think it's important someone who knows us, if Corbera Institute has been following us for a long time, the talks we have been doing and others you will know that much of our work is systemic work It is a job that emphasizes and pays special attention to parents, maternal and paternal grandparents as well but above all to these two figures, and as Enric said, practically everything originates there. in fact Nessa Carey said that the first years of our life make up practically the entire personality of the individual And what if sometimes we are especially intense and hard with parents or with the vision that we should have of parents It is precisely because we need to shake up that environment, to generate a necessary change so that the person gives himself the permission to be able to perceive things in a way that provides tranquility, peace and one more state of internal balance In fact, many of us find it easy to apply certain resources at the level of behavior, at the level of thought, at the level of action. and at the level of consciousness, perhaps in our work, with our boss, with our boss, with our colleagues perhaps our group of friends, but with parents, with all the innermost part, with what is the core of our life that precisely where the dynamics are encyst and where the real problems are perpetuated that is where it costs That is why it is there where you have to squeeze, where it hurts the most, we put our finger where it hurts the most So obviously, as Enric said, we will work on everything that is the perspective and the bond from children to parents that's why rediscovering parents, not as parents but as children that we are all so many of us, even in our adulthood and we never tire of seeing it in the different consultations and courses that we do we have a profile of people, who are people, as we will explain well throughout the presentation they are people who may be too attached to their parents that somehow parents to this day continue to have an emotional importance Let's say too much importance, more than it should have so, here it is necessary to rediscover and reinterpret the figure we have of our parents because those people who can love their parents a lot and their parents can really tell them how much they love them as children and how nice they are by their side etc. etc. all that apparently very positive and very beautiful speech can also be very emasculating and very limiting and they are people who in the end do not become individualized, they do not meet as individuals because somehow oppresses or suffocates them is what we know as family loyalties, they are people who are too loyal to the unconscious wishes of their parents and they spend their lives trying to fulfill those wishes and forget to live their own life then these people have to go through a process of emotional detachment that does not have to be physical I am the first person that I work with my father, I work with many people in my family I have been part of that untying process that does not necessarily have to be physical, many people can feel that way of the need to separate for a while but it doesn't have to because in the end it is about reinterpreting to perceive in another way a situation that apparently can be limiting and on the other hand we have people who may resent their parents they may have made the decision to move away or be very angry with their father or mother and be resentful and resigned with them, and in those cases it is also important to redefine them and rediscover the parents because that person although apparently it seems that he has made his life the axis of their movement continues to be the parents because precisely they move out of resentment then she never does things for him or herself, but instead does it out of compensation for not looking like her mother perhaps or her father So it is just as conditioned no matter how far it is physically gone, emotionally it is as if it carried them so in both cases it is important to rediscover the parents and somehow do that internal process, because everything that we judge of our mother everything that we judge of our father Sooner or later life will lead us to have to integrate these qualities, because when we judge our father for something he has done not only do we stop having the apparently negative qualities of him, if not, we can not integrate the positive either and that is important that we keep in mind, when we judge our father We also reject all the positive that is in him and the same with the mother When we reject our mother for something in particular, we cannot integrate those skills that perhaps in our current moment in our circumstance, in our present, with our conflicts, with our problems those skills would be very good for us to transcend and overcome them then it is a bit the objective, integrate them to be able to take advantage of those qualities to face our problems in fact, David there is a collation of what you say, there is one thing that is very clear and that is to transmit the belief and this is another belief family comes first, there are many countries where family comes first referring to what David said about family loyalties and family is not the first, family is very important family is where we are born where we are welcomed, is our first cradle it is where we are given physical, mental and emotional nourishment therefore, we must already be grateful from the beginning that our parents have been that vehicle for us to come to life, let's not forget this but then there is what David said, those impediments that your family creates for you to develop you, then we would go to explain what is the hero's journey that we all do since we are born and we come to the family nucleus, parents can sabotage our children that leveling process that is not carried out in an ecological way and therefore that turns into many problems that sooner or later we project in our interpersonal relationships we project at work, ultimately we repeat all those experiences I think there is a phrase that could be summarized as follows the parents have the power to give us life and precisely for that reason they also have the power to take it from us that is, in the same way that they bring us into the world and give us the experience of life in the same way they can take all that away from us gradually and gradually in fact there are people who have come to consult for 40 and 50 years telling me I cannot leave home and surely all of you who are here present and all the people who are connected and all of you who are listening to us on Youtube If you have wanted to connect to a conference called Rediscovering Parents, it is because surely you feel that call of need to do a process of healing and internal healing with respect to them because there is something that is limiting me. I will explain, we have put that preamble to put that phrase that Anthony de Mello works very thoroughly on this issue and says the following Luke 14:26 if anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, even his wife, his children, his brothers and sisters even his own life cannot be my disciple What's more, Anthony de Mello goes so far as to say if you don't hate your father and mother you will never be able to meet or follow those divinity Of course, read like that at the textual level as I send, but that is written like this and the interpretation is really very simple to put it in some way, which is we come into the world through our parents and we have to make our life therefore you have to detach yourself in the ecological sense of the word really as Anthony de Mello would say that phrase from Luke 14:26 he marries that commandment that says you will honor your parents but there is one very important thing honoring your parents is double-sided like everything else, you have to honor your parents but parents have to honor their children therefore when we honor parents we really will when we are able to live their own programs the information that we have inherited and we have discarded, as it is written that the sins of the parents will be inherited until the third and fourth generation very cruel assertion in the judgment of the ego because one can say and I have done it with my parents, and I said, what is my fault that Adam and Eve were stupid, for example but when you actually realize that the information is inherited and referring to what Mello says: you can really free your parents when you can transmute or transcend information for some reason, they have not been able to do Either they have not wanted to or they have not known but you have that information, and if you have it, it is because you have the possibility of transcending but really the important thing, take a good look, so that a disciple ask that question to Jesus, something they have to know that there is information that is inherited therefore the process that we are going to do here, obviously we are going to remove the word sin, which has very negative connotations and we are going to put, not sin, but, this is the parent, this is the child and if this is the father and this is the son, it is that they have to be the father and the son in this life and therefore there is information that they have to share and perhaps not to say for sure, the best way to honor our parents it is precisely to transcend that information that they could not do and for the conditions that were I think that I would like to clarify an important point regarding the title of the conference as well as the meaning that can be given to it rediscover our parents It is a way, it can prompt an idea to understand them by integrating them as well we are explaining there may be some people to be judged internally for rejecting them or being angry with them or for hating himself in a certain way, which is a bit good in relation to the phrase we were seeing from Luke so people who are internally judging themselves for being angry at their parents and that they somehow attend this conference to do an internal forgiveness process let one thing be very clear It is not negative, per se, to hate parents it is not negative it is not negative to be resentful with them what's more, it is a necessary phase in our growth and development process what happens is that the word hate is a bit heavy but it can be used because you can be so restrictive and blunt necessarily to meet we have to be at some point in our life in disagreement with them because if not, imagine let's imagine we always said yes to everything our mother says to everything our father says we will continue living with them we would remain just as reserved then, resentment is necessary to disengage and generate a process of separation so that you can find yourself as an individual person in fact David, when you walked away from your parents The first thing he did was to reject what I believed, what I was talking about, he stopped talking and I understood perfectly that is your learning process parents always project you, as son, as daughter, then, their internal needs, their desires, their purposes and it is necessary to do that process to later be able to integrate them, because you cannot integrate your parents from within people who are stuck with their parents feel suffocated and want to forgive them maybe they have to go through a process of moving away emotionally first and then understand them but first get away, ok are two necessary phases, then the people who judge themselves and who feel guilty for They are in a moment of their life that they hear, because they want their space, they want to meet, they want to make their own decisions they want to be away from them and somehow listen to his inner voice and not so much that verbiage that they have surely instilled in him all his life of what they have to do, stop doing, how you have to behave or not that spaces are respected, because it is essential then guilt is important to work it therefore, if we are not in a family environment where we feel supported, supported and given like that understanding, bone, those parents who are really authoritarian and loving non-authoritarian and intransigent or very permissive and very passive in fact of the 4 behaviors to enter them, the second would be the most ecological I mean, discipline is very important, very important but not being a dictator when we do not live in those stories and in that environment, then the children project they feel insecure and project themselves outside and then we fall into magical beliefs For example, they have experienced things like what mom says "have you seen how your father is because of you?" or "have you seen how mommy got mad because of what you did?" then automatically that really creates a restlessness in the child and that projects it outwards looking for that perfect man or that perfect woman so that they can somehow complement each other and there is a point here that the psychiatrist Bruno Bettelheim talks about, who was Jewish, more or less because of his last name coined an expression, an identification with the offender what it has to do with a child when there is really violence at home of any kind children suffer this violence and if that violence is maintained over time, a psychic defense point automatically arrives that is it that the boy or girl who experiences this constant violence identifies with the offender To give an example, a man comes to the consultation who says he has problems with his partner he tells in between that he broke a person's jaw because he was a security guard and in fact, it is discovered that the emotional environment that he lived at home, is precisely that dad was abusive, nagger and hit everyone and the fear that this person assimilates really projects it outside and in fact the aggressor does not feel guilty about it as you can see that leads us to understand how to remain paralyzed as a lesson learned One way to get out is to do what the one who mistreated is doing, therefore normally behind an abuser there has been an abused child and with that we are not justifying anything but we are simply not saying that because yes, we have seen it from experience there is a process that we all go through to a greater or lesser degree which can be titled as depersonalization or loss of identity it is a process that we all suffer as children in our families and great things do not have to happen or it does not have to be a super violent environment, you do not have to imagine much catastrophe so that the child somehow loses that identity because when we get to a system, when we get to a family what that person, that son or that daughter does, is occupy an empty space what has to do with the needs of parents that is, you come to occupy a place that the system needs not what you need as an individual person because I wish we all had super complete and super happy parents, but that's not the case perhaps our mother has also lived emotional environments very lacking of affection, of love of whatever, our father perhaps also They come with their own shortcomings and they have a reason for all that, so when a son or daughter comes all personal needs are turned on that person and we unconsciously pretend that that son or that daughter help us solve our own problems, we all do this as parents, we all my son who is 8 months old I am already beginning to make him imagine then, to survive the boy or the girl has to adapt to what is expected of him and when it adapts to the expectations of third parties, the one who is leaving aside is oneself then as we grow there is also a natural first phase of adaptations to that system to fulfill what is expected with us but that has to be put aside But that's where practically everyone and everyone got stranded if above the emotional environment, as Enric said very well there is a certain lack of protection, perhaps because the father is absent which is a very common profile today or perhaps because our mother is in an altered or depressed emotional state or internally unbalanced for whatever reasons or because she feels very lonely mothers who feel lonely, what happens here? when the family nucleus father, mother is not strong they pull too much of the collaterals, in this case the son or daughter if a couple has a strong and balanced emotional relationship, the children will leave home and they will remain stable and continue well yes between them they are not okay if mom for example feels lonely because dad is never there because he is always working Or because when he finishes work he goes to the bar instead of home, whatever Or the other way around, what happens there? Who is going to be my company? my son or my daughter, who would be conditioning their lives for not being able to solve my life, then the child becomes depersonalized because he understands that his way of surviving in that house is to attend to the emotional state of the mother So his way of being free and making his life is to wait for his mother to be well or for his father to be well. but like that it will never come because parents have always not been able to build the life they needed to build Until then they have known and filled that space with us, they are not interested in letting go of us and we have to do a self-criticism process here because there comes a point where we have been victims of that circumstance we've lost our identity along the way, but in the end we have the responsibility to continue to stay there or not and many of us remain by the side of our mother, our father emotionally thinking we do them a favor waiting for the day to come when we look them in the eye and say, well today it turns out that they are OK and we already have the implicit permission that I can leave now but that will never come precisely we get stuck in that process and far from helping what we are doing is keeping ourselves in the problem they need to see in us the process that they have to do internally the biggest example is the example that's why in parental behaviors that affect our identity parents can disagree with the initiatives we take Of course, now what we are going to start is to list a whole series of behaviors that affect our identity, as Enric is saying, that is, things to do, which they usually do because you will see that some will resonate, for sure To all! some behaviors that very subtly or very invisibly can play our father or our mother and that diminish our identity and our self-esteem Yes, in fact that part that David was saying has to do with the toxic behaviors of the parents Well, they undermine our worth, our self-esteem that can also be very abusive in the sense of a lot of overprotection when we really want to, I don't know, go out or do things phrases like that will be better than here, I remember when I told my father, I must have been 17 or 18 years old, I say When I am of legal age I am going to leave home and my father like the world fell on him and I can also say a collation of what David has explained As a child I fought with everyone, but of course when I got older I understood that I was not fighting with everyone but I was fighting with the world, I think I was fighting with God because they had instilled in me a terrible fear that I did not know where I was but that it was everywhere that I saw everything that's why you fought with everyone and I fought with everyone, I was the first to fight and he was very rebellious and well, in short I even became the head of a small gang, the ones from before, not the ones from now but that before other stories were lived, in fact I have realized studying to what extent, another day I told David when I count my battles, but I didn't know why I did it myself but it was also a form of recognition of what I was looking for, therefore When a son, for example, wants to live with some friends, I want to do that or so and so, we see that the parents, come think about the children where are you going to be better, what are you going to do, what are you going to look for, etc., etc., is a way to cut an initiative other behaviors is systematically point out the error what we have done wrong despite the fact that we have exercised good behavior, I give you an example that surely will sound to many of you sure, hehehe imagine that when you are little to arrive at that house with the grade of the school, of the institute look mom or dad I got an B Now son but you could have gotten an A you can try a little more or like a friend I know who once came from a basketball game that had scored 25 points and his father told him, but those two free throws that you have missed that were key So what does a father or mother get when they do that? is to get the belief that you are not sufficiently prepared or prepared to go out into the world and be competent enough to solve the problems yourself and depend on me It is one of saying, you are not prepared, you will continue here by my side that boy, that girl who receives him systematically, do not believe it so much don't get arrogant it is a belief in false humility that helps absolutely no one people who insist on being humble, humility does not help absolutely anyone then, like the movie tonya, there was a movie I don't know if there is an example now that you have reminded me the movie I, Tonya who is from a super famous skater who has a a very uncompromising mother but very uncompromising very uncompromising and that all the time says: skate better, skate better! and the girl becomes world champion and makes her fight with her friends with her friends, it is a constant competition but the girl feels that it is never enough, that it is never enough and that is never enough we have been dragging many of us we got to the point of becoming perfectionists as we couldn't which is a way of continuing to wait for an acknowledgment that we have not received I see faces that this information resonates well here we all go because the person who is perceived as a perfectionist does not cease to be it most likely comes from such an emotional environment where you are never enough therefore everything she does is not doing for him or her, she is doing it for the parents of a form of compensation and of wanting to satisfy them the last one is also very interesting yes, you speak better what has to do with, notice that everything goes in the direction of cutting the relationship that we as individuals can have with the outside world, another is discredit your interpersonal relationships How many mothers have thought wonders of your boyfriends, girlfriends this is not good for you but are you sure? but... You have seen it? but if you behaved better before before you got together with that all those phrases are opinions that you do not ask at any time that they let you go for free and you say mom, dad, but I haven't even asked you and they come and think about your choices and they believe with the right of sticking our noses into our most intimate facets but the problem is ours because we tolerate that behavior the problem is ours because we are waiting for their opinion Therefore again the responsibility is ours because we need your approval from the consciousness of unity if our parents get into our interpersonal relationships we are the ones who have the door open we are the ones who let in, therefore the problem is ours exactly therefore the solution is ours And continuing with that, another behavior is that they demand more responsibilities from you than those that correspond to you as a member of the family the over responsibility exact and here we are in parenting, bone, there is an absent father Mom projects onto the eldest son how the head of the house is the theoretical husband and he also becomes the father of those siblings, etc., etc. An example comes to mind, it turns out that a woman in her forties told me, I can't leave the house And I say, how can you not leave the house? What do you have a problem? No, no, I can not leave my house When you tell me about my house, where from? No, my parents' house have and what is the environment, alcoholic dad, depressive mom, two alcoholic brothers and she took care of mom, she took care of the whole house and she came to tell me "I can't leave the house" I mean, I was really caught up in precisely those responsibilities And there is also another one that I am remembering, because when you touch an example, more come to you, which is a son where dad is never, mom does this, does nothing that mom does not tell He marries a woman, but the woman divorces this man because she did not know if she had married the man or the mother-in-law then the child from here has created a distance and the distance is the following has another partner and one week he lives with the partner and the other week he lives with his mother and one day he started taking the courses, one day he said, I'm going to tell my mom if I can introduce my girlfriend and the mother spits him in the face, I don't want to meet your whore I mean, I'm talking about a 35-year-old man, so you can see what we are seeing in fact the issue of responsibility, of course, when there is an absent father, when there is a mother either he is absent or because he is also working Or maybe internally she's depressed or doesn't have, say, a balanced emotional state Sure, maybe there are brothers, sisters involved As an individual you can think, well here it's time to row, it's time to raise the system whatever and you stay on that over-responsibility program it's like you always carry the family with you and you don't have to carry the family, I repeat once more, the family has to create Kahlil Gibran's phrase that you as father or mother your children are arrows and you are an archer who shoots the arrow prepare them for life and if they want to come back let them come back and if they don't want to come back you have already fulfilled The problem of people who are in that over responsibility, because of course, they project that in any environment in which they go they hire them in a job and it turns out that His colleagues are incompetent and he has to do the tasks, not only his own, but everyone's that too And you say, my mother, that's where I go and it turns out that they are all a band of useless I mean, you have the problem Although they come depressed, I have to do my partner's work, "excuse me?" The problem is that these people feel very lonely in the end because they end up with the belief that everything will depend on them and that they cannot rely on anyone And that's a misperception, it's never true so those people have to learn to let go let go and that other people do and work with their criteria even though they have different criteria and start doing that process of releasing responsibilities And because if they don't carry their family wherever they go It's a way again, another way not to make your life or make you feel indebted for what you have been given, after everything I have done for you this is another very famous And how come you pay me like that, excuse me? I the other day my daughter told me: Dad I have been through many stories, a divorce, etc., etc. But he sat down and said, I thank you for all that you have given me And that afterwards, she never said it guiltily, after I have been wrong in this, in this and in this I said, you have not been wrong you have simply had experiences that are typical of life and nobody can assure you of anything Therefore, the important thing is that you recognize what you have, that you value what you are and that you thank me, I replied well I think that is what parents have to do, what they say about planting a tree, having a child and writing a book What would it be then to give life to life, to train children and for them to experience life, that you are there but you ARE there you are not holding them it should be a biological and natural function that all parents should understand, i.e. I empower my sons and my daughters because it is what I have to do, but to have sons or daughters In fact, many of them take advantage of them to tell them, well, look at the sheet, you are going to be the one who is going to take care of me all my life! Yes Many couples are not well and want to solve their problems by having a child And all they do is compound the problem then, other very common behaviors that parents do These are behaviors that they do unconsciously, all of which we have mentioned Yes, let it be clear not that parents voluntarily want to screw life, okay, this does not happen but unconsciously they do it without thinking because it comes from as we said before a whole series of deficiencies that they do not know how to manage better Another interesting behavior, which is Not empathizing with you when you have a personal problem when we go to our father or mother exposing a problem something that has happened to us and they are not capable of supporting us and accompanying us emotionally and maybe they change the subject or they do this a lot because they look, they are telling you about something and perhaps they are telling you a bigger problem than yours To send to hell the empathy and of course you stay like... that is also a way of lowering your self-esteem, of feeling that you are not important enough and to keep waiting for that effect that will never come The movie Camino, David, that this girl is talking about getting pretty, etc., etc., do not be presumptuous They are messages that are pure and hard violence, I say it because I have lived that violence that is not so obvious but that affects the same then another is to empathize in excess What is another dynamic that can also castrate you you go to your parents with a problem and immediately they do whatever it takes, they move land, sea and air to solve that problem and get it well covered I'm going to give you an example imagine that you arrive, I don't know, the typical teenager who comes from school We give you an example of children and adolescents because in those faces And we don't have as many cognitive resources to deal with those conflicts, they leave more of a mark and involve more trauma. For it is the first phases of our life are the ones that later mark our personality So, imagine a boy, a girl who comes home, hey look I have problems with such a teacher or with such a teacher then the mother tries her best and says don't worry my son or my daughter We are going to change your class and I am going to talk to the school principal And we are going to change your class and we are going to put you with another and thus problem solved This is very serious David So there are people with all the good intentions in the world but who act like this So what are we teaching the boy or the girl? One, that they do not have enough capacity to solve problems on their own. Two, as they never have control And they do not develop the skills to face these problems They will always be exposed to what happens The type of teacher they have in this case or the type of person they are They will not be able to develop an internal locus of control Which is much more favorable for our well-being And they will be exposed to what I touch The subject of empathy, the other day I was reading, and this is a very interesting distinction, which I thought, there are two types of empathy Short-term empathy or impulsive empathy that would be this type of behavior That he sees a problem and I do whatever it takes to solve it bypassing you And making you less competent Because you are not able to develop those skills yourself And the other is the delayed or long-term empathy that is I do not empathize with your problem that you have today Or that you're exposing me now I empathize with the person you can become If you solve it by yourself I mean, I pay attention to the future There is a very interesting clip called "The butterfly circus", very famous, surely you have seen it That the protagonist is a boy who has no arms or legs Participate in a circus and there is a moment when they are bathing in a river, bathing there And he falls, of course, how can he get up without arms or legs Then he asks for help and the director of the circus passes by and he says help me! and the director tells him "I think you will have you will be able to solve it on your own" And he stares at it, but what are you telling me! How am I going to get up, magically? if I have neither legs nor arms And it turns out that precisely because of the lack of help The boy learns to get up on his own, which is like a rare gesture and gets up Then the potential is discovered when helping is stopped And sometimes the best way to help is by pulling away, not empathizing When a son or daughter comes to a father or mother and says: I have a problem sometimes the best answer is something like I trust that you can solve it Because i'm believing in you And what I'm promoting is skills that you can develop So then I can sustain the problems of the world Because life is full of problems and if I have gotten used to third parties like mom or dad solving my problems for me That's where i stay We then have young people who neither one thing nor the other They look for mothers or fathers in their relationships And frustrations and frustrations are everywhere and violence too, therefore What we said before, authoritarian parents or who teach discipline but who are loving others which is the locus, you really have to work it out When parents tell you, hey, how happy I am when you call me or when you come to see me. What is a way to manipulate you I have seen many cases of people calling their parents not because they want to call them but because they are happy with them Obviously that they call their parents or that they call us that does not have to matter The problem is when I force myself to do something that I don't want to do And I have received many inquiries of that type Of people who really do things to please their parents In fact, here inside there is information that is I want my parents to love me as I would like them to love me Then there is always the brother or sister who is watching over dad And you are the rebellious son or the rebellious daughter who is not paying attention And then as they are recriminating you Here I see two friends looking at each other who are covering their faces but their eyes have spoken a lot Then something must resonate with you So I'm doing things that I don't want to do Then the parents are in charge of saying, you don't know how happy they make me when you call me, etc., etc. Then you automatically think, I don't feel like calling them for whatever reason, because there is a resentment, whatever And inside comes the internal voice of mom saying how happy we are And then you say, she is going to be happy I'm going to call her, well no That is really affecting the way we are because things are not clearing up Another very common that is precisely the opposite that our parents are always unhappy, sick or in whatever way The mother that whenever you call her Well daughter here I am, then pulling with what I can Oh my gosh, your day gets depressed every time you call her Or tell you the same problem always Those people that every time you call them it turns out that Poor what a regret, what a drama that they constantly carry in their life With that they work like black holes so to speak That is, through that pain, that drama, that suffering, what they do is get attention from all the people around them. Then they are capturing, they are dragging like this, the people on their side wherever they pass How many people have you met That they have become addicted to disease because of the secondary benefit they receive from the care of the family of the people around them There are people who do not want to be well So as not to lose that attention And there are sons and daughters who have been born to parents already sufficiently balanced who have been trapped precisely for that reason. And that they are constantly waiting one day to call and wait for another type of response or another type of emotional state This is so you can see that in the end we are mentioning these behaviors But ultimately, those who continue to maintain this type of toxic behavior are us. because from a systemic perspective we are members of the system And therefore we have part of the responsibility that the other members are as they are. And sometimes the best favor we can do is withdraw Because when we retire the system needs to adjust people need to adapt other roles A collation of that David I am going to ask a generic question Who has not received the call from mom or dad that is usually from mom Complaining, daughter, what your father does, etc., that is, projecting their problem to the son or daughter And automatically the son or daughter projects the problem with their husband, ok We are always thinking about the same thing, therefore, there comes a point that is legal, which is enough now, enough now Is that my mom calls me twice every day or calls me every week Well I say you want me to call you every two times, it's not my mom, excuse me? Well, he's projecting complaints to you, and I usually say, he's always complaining about my father! Because of what David said, who is feeding that problem and that system is you I think there is a dynamic that is very important for people to understand what is what We as individuals cannot wait for our fathers and mothers to agree With the kind of life we want to lead That is precisely what anchors us to remain excessively tied to our family system. Think of a project that you want to undertake at the work level on a personal level, some kind of trip Anything that in some way that you feel that you have been relegating and covering for a long time and do not dare to show If you really start to respect yourself, listen to your inner voice and encourage yourself to do all that you have been putting off for a long time. You have to give absolutely the same what your system is going to say or go to think Because in most cases parents are not going to empower us, it is not going to happen Because these people are used to a personality type that somehow has to die and that we are leaving behind, let me explain That is, to de-identify with the person we have been until now and begin to show ourselves in other ways People will by definition not agree with us They will say, but if you are not the person I know! If you are changing and I am not interested, because the type of bond we had, there was a tacit agreement So, it is a kind of abandonment, so if you have the courage to make your life, I also have no excuses to do mine. I'm not interested in you chasing your dream Because I'm going to try to boycott them So if we stand firm and strong enough As in order not to have to need the agreement of our family to make our life we will go in the right direction As long as we need them to agree with us, we are going to fall into this type of behavior We will continue calling them, waiting to see if they give us the green light or encourage us to do so or we will continue to worry them It is an indirect way of saying, now I can let you go, now I can take care of myself But doing that is a problem because you are forcing him to change and you do not have that right The emotionally mature person does not wait for others to agree with him because that is a form of manipulation That is needing others to agree with you to change, therefore, you are not changing for yourself. You are not having enough courage to do it yourself You are demanding that other people change Therefore you are becoming what they did with you Look David Take a good look at the talk we're doing, I'm David's father, okay? Therefore we are speaking here as a father at the same time I can speak as a son obviously and as a holy spirit And he is my son obviously and at the same time he is a father And I always said, when you are a father you will see things differently! But what I mean by that is that David is not here because I wanted him to be here or forced him to be here. On the contrary, what is more, when we were looking to study we did everything possible so that he did not study psychology, I do not know what happened I place it as the fourth, fifth option and I turn to psychology and at the end I asked for a specific job that interested me And he did, we can actually say who online, who put the seed and who broke the taboo was the If we are like this at the level that we are there, the person responsible or the culprit is And well he fell in love with the project and there it is Doing what you can! But he always knows he's on the project Therefore, now we are going to work on that second part of the conference which is Getting closer to our parents and moving away from our parents that are the two polarities Getting closer, it may be that as in my case, that I leave my house and move away As time went by I got closer to my parents but not physically if not, emotionally which is a very important thing To continue with the personal example as well as an example so that it is also understood That one can disagree with one's parents in many ways I number of times that I have gone to Enric and I have told him I do not agree with that theory, with that way of explaining or how you say the ideas, that is, I think we have to change this! Well we have fought to die, maybe not so much, but yes sometimes He wants to go in one direction and I in another, and precisely disagreeing in the end adds and gives richness to the message. Because it offers new perspectives I could not join the project if I only paid attention to the criteria stipulated by Enric I need to disagree People need to hear other perspectives And me as a father I explain So there are countless ways that despite the fact that at some moments certain crises may occur Or certain conflicts of these problems that is also then the seed of change, it is a bit the idea So as Enrique said, now we are going to work on the last aspect of the theoretical part Apart from getting closer on an emotional level, obviously, we can get closer to our parents and they continue to do the same They are practical resources especially for those people That they are, as we said initially, resentful of their parents or very angry with them And that they need resources in some way to begin to forgive and integrate them Therefore, take into account the experiences you have lived, to understand your parents, obviously I understood my parents That, well, the tessitura in which they grew up etc., etc. And that understanding obviously brings you emotionally close to them. It does not mean that you agree with them But if it brings you closer there is respect and obviously do not demand what they do not know how to give so clearly Take into account the experiences they have lived that sometimes we forget We forget to perceive the past of our parents The experiences they have had, the type of education they have received, the type of parents they have had and all the reasons why today They are as they are and they behave as they behave Which brings us to the second point, you will not demand something that you are not capable of giving Sometimes, to give us a very common example We hope that in some way our mother empowers us and precisely our mother did not have a mother Either she was abandoned at a young age or she didn't get the support she needed How many mothers, for example with the care of their daughters, the daughters become the mothers of their mothers That there is a series of displacements where the mother takes emotional charge of them Because precisely they have been women who have not had a mother And that there has been a void and a lack of affective bond So you can't wait for your mother to show you love, show you affection if you have not had a mother who has shown you love and affection And also David perhaps there are more hidden things that many times there are children that are not the father In other words, that they are not really from the father, that they are from another man and therefore that also consciously or unconsciously generates in the family environment Well, as I am not on the site and I am also seeking the approval of dad or I am in a very critical judgment against my mother, against my father That I do not understand why this is so, if not because my unconscious also has a secret And that secret because in the end it always ends up coming out on one side or the other Now look, following the example, that daughter who somehow He continues to wait for the affection of his mother, already ending up taking care of her emotionally In the end, to compensate for that injury, what you can do is Taking emotional charge of everyone Worrying excessively about third parties, falling into excessive empathy, etc., etc. Therefore, a great resource is to begin to reconceptualize your mother and understand that part of What she considered a disadvantage that was not having enough attention can be a resource for her Because you need to stop paying attention to everyone That is, the behavior that we have judged in our mother may not have been aware of us, of us Or it could be precisely that behavior that we need to encourage and it will begin to be our life It is that point here, take what bothers you about them as a sign of what you have to change in yourself and that we normally project with our partner So therefore if you want to know what your parents show you, for example my father yells a lot, then it turns out that you marry a man Or that he does not speak at all or like he shouts a lot too And in the end you complain is that it bothers me a lot that my husband yells at me, sorry, we do those things If what bothers us about our mother is that she has never shown affection towards us Well, maybe that's what we have to start doing with certain people around us. Because we fall into excessive empathy as I said And we worry excessively and lose our center there If our father's coldness bothers us, his authoritarianism Well maybe we have to encourage those qualities in us Go thinking in this sense What behaviors of our fathers or mothers bother us and turn it around Because that is what you have to start doing in your life, it is the resource you need to overcome your problem Therefore, whatever bothers you, for example, there was a time that I could not bear for people to hug each other and less for them to hug me I am not giving a hug, it is true that I am, until I fully realize that I was raised in a family that touched and it was a sin And they had to give me hypnosis to know the last time my mother hugged me And in hypnosis it took me to a point when I started to walk, that is, I was one year old or 13 months old. My mother took me, hugged me, it's good Enric and I give myself to my father and I never received a hug again It is more one day, with my current wife, one day we met my mother on the street Hello, hello, they kissed and my wife turns and says Now I understand why you don't want to see your mother, I just kissed an ice bar! Of course, when you become aware of that, you understand your mother, what's more, I always say and say it through here I have the best parents that life has given me to be able to develop what I have developed Instead of complaining, I have integrated those things, I have transcended and therefore in some way I have honored my parents Which has a lot to do with The wounds With the other practical resource, which is to understand That the wounds they have inflicted on us are the seed of our strengths Imagine, for example, that if we, in our childhood, have felt separated, excluded from our system Or that they have not taken us sufficiently into account, we may have developed the ability to, wherever we are Involve people and create a feeling of belonging and team And have many skills to emotionally manage others Precisely because they haven't taken care of us How many daughters have also seen in their mother, a model of a mother trapped by the type of life she led Because of the relationship, because of the responsibility with the children, because of the housework and internally, they have decided that I am not going to look like my mother! And from there, from that circumstance they have taken enormous potential, intellectual capacities, initiative in terms of work projects And a whole energy that moves in that direction Precisely for moving away from an environment that appears to be toxic or limiting But, as we said before, sooner or later we have to integrate that context Because that type of woman often takes refuge in that speed of work, and is always aware of projects and striving and working, etc. And what he does not dare is precisely to stand Hear yourself internally And somehow encourage higher quality interpersonal relationships and trust other people they take refuge And there is someone who raises their finger We will work with you later darling But it is a way of taking refuge and saying I'm going to do the opposite to my mother! And precisely what we judge later we end up needing because we isolate ourselves, we feel alone or alone That we are not capable of building an internal world Because of the fear of being trapped as our mother was, can I explain myself? And now we are in the second part which is moving away from our parents, in fact this is the most natural thing in the world And that many times it is not like that because parents always have like those little dogs who wear a very long leash and start to run and suddenly stand still And they stay like that because they pull on the leash And the parents who have created that dependency are obviously very subtle And there it is that the famous siren songs where are you better than here, where are you going to go, are you going to go to America and are you going to leave me here alone or alone I have a friend who spent her time She has an independent son who has been around the world at least once and of course she as a mother had a hard time In the end when he has returned, of course with this of the pandemic he has managed to return and talks about his son about this and that And really the healthiest thing we can do is get away from our parents and I'm not saying that physically natural but emotionally and that does not mean that you do not have to see your parents or go to eat with your parents or whatever But you always have to look for those subtleties that really are those siren songs, that you have already thought well. Are you going to get married? And how did it go? All those little things that we know very well Therefore one of the practical resources is the disagreement with our parents that is necessary to grow, which is what David spoke Confronting your parents does not mean fighting with them but becoming aware that you have your opinion. I remember that a daughter of mine was working in a place and decided to do something else, she sat on my lap and told me I want to do that, and she thought I would say no because she had a good job, they paid her very well, etc., etc., And I told him, you do what you have to do, I will always be here pending And well what we are talking about, honoring them precisely does not imply paying attention to what they say You explain it David Because it is a misconception that many people have about honoring parents Honoring parents does not mean paying attention to them but precisely doing what they did not know or could do Every time we dare to take a path That until then no one from our family Neither our parents nor our mother have traveled Despite all those signals and those resistances that may appear Internally It's great to think that we're doing them a favor It is a way of transcending the limitations that have existed for so long They need to see in us someone who is capable of transcending and transforming the problems they have had. Even though they don't tell us Because they are going to need them to be by our side, because they are unable to make their life, to fill it, and to fill that void at our expense. But underneath, unconsciously they are constantly asking us to show them how to do it. It's like "my son, my daughter I don't want you to go!" But please show me how to do it I need to see it Because then when I see your release process, then I have the implicit permission to do it Only through your transformation process am I able after giving myself the possibility To do the same and learn from you If you stay by my side we both get trapped If you dare to start your life, that is the best way to honor me Because you are going to do everything that I have not known how to do And that goes up That is towards mothers, towards grandparents, towards grandmothers It is like a way of saying, my son, my daughter, I have come this far, now I continue with the path and I keep pushing forward! That's the true way to honor them Is breaking those loyalties What has to do with your role in the system does not continue to maintain the toxic behaviors that continue to exist For example, if your mom complains about your dad, you pay attention to him. So you are taking on responsibilities that you don't have to take on There is a key point which is to say enough! Look at what your father does or look at what your mother does, enough! You have married, you solve your problems I have to make my life This I have seen many times, women trapped by their mothers because they constantly complain that your dad arrives drunk and what does he stop doing And that for how long? And says, we've been like this for 10 years! I say: well, you will have to do something, something different! So what David said, there are moms who become mothers to their mothers Or children who become husbands to their mothers, etc., etc. There is also a bit of codependency That you have a depressed mother and everyone around the mother Or do you have an alcoholic dad and everyone with his mom, what a poor dad We are really playing a role that is not helping at all in the family We are in a kind of groundhog day, in a de yavu Applying the same solutions to the same problems and on top of that we complain I think that to finish we have that practical resource That we have also mentioned It's already said, it's already said, right Pay attention, to accept our parents We've said them before, it doesn't mean we have to agree with them We can accept our mother to understand the circumstances that have led her to be the way she is Understand our father, understand all his past But that doesn't mean we have to agree with them. And let us share other criteria and that they accept the path we want to undertake Notice we wanted to finish with this poem by Rumi that comes to illustrate this process that we are talking about That comes to equate love towards our parents With our individual freedom That is, it equates love with freedom, in fact, they are intrinsically united He says this is love!, fly one to a secret sky Cause a hundred veils to fall every moment First let go of life and finally take a step without feet For example, the first sentence, fly into a secret sky! That is, dare to experience environments that we have not experienced until now. Dare to overcome limits that until now we have not overcome Leave behind the behaviors that are limiting our life Stop wanting to please our parents, wanting to make them happy And let themselves be able to do it We do not have to perceive in our parents needy people because that is a way of limiting them too We have to perceive them as people capable of solving their problems Only in this way are we empowering them And that's a way of detaching Those hundred veils are going to fall that have to do with experiences, with perceptions And ultimately we are increasing knowledge, letting our children experience things That if we don't let them fly they will never know It's a letting go of the life that we lead so far To take a step without feet that becomes a step that is an abyss because you do not know where you are going So, the person who goes through this process of detachment from their parents He is also breaking all loyalties and somehow has that inner insecurity And that feeling of what I'm doing will be good for me? Somehow a part of me is dying, and is lagging behind who am i going to be from now on And the people who are going to relate to that new me Will they like me? Will they accept me as I am? Will they accept that new image? We have to do that step despite not knowing what is going to happen or not, that is precisely the hero's journey That is why we are heroes when we make that transition, because we take a step that requires heroism Not sure what will happen Think of a topic that is not fused with your parents This is the lesson we want you all to do All! Think of a topic that today You feel that it is entrenched, that it has not finished solving or with your parents that it is still there in some way I think that somehow of everything we have said we all have a little bit of everything starting with me and ending with whoever you want We are going to catch the lady, what is her name Peter, the lady? Or activate her microphone and say the name Yes, tell us your name! Do you know who she is Peter? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think you've activated her mic already That one with the finger, come on My name is Rosana How? Rosana Okay Rosana, remind me when you raised your arm, which is what resonated with what we were explaining When I lift my finger, first the loss of identity The loss of identity, well yeah But what were we saying specifically? I think some of ... I don't know if we were on the subject of over-demand or over-responsibility What specifically are we talking about? It was a bit so the mother was very depressive, she needed attention, then of course The fact of wanting to support her, be there with her and take that journey Well good! I was moving a little out of the way And then it takes me a little bit to my current life Exactly, very good, very good! This is the interesting thing This is the interesting thing How in some way the experiences we have had so far are affecting us today That's what the conference is about That is what it is about, knowing how what we have lived is limiting us today So I understand that you have realized that there is a conflict, a latent problem in your present life, what is it? My problem is precisely what they were talking about at the end of the hero's step, is to take that step to become another person We will go from the general discourse to the concrete, concrete experiences, concrete people Where you feel you have to do that step, but I want you to give me I do not know if for example you are married or not, or are you still with your parents, how it translates Enjoy the life I do not understand What did you say? Enjoy the life Enjoy myself Okay, listen to me, don't worry, I'll help you What happens in your life that prevents you from enjoying your life, point out the problem to me The economy for example Ok, what about the economy? You see how different it is to take the step I need in my life there is a problem with me First of all, what does the economy have to do with your mother? On the part of the two, on the part of my father and my mother OK, perfect! What about the economy? What about? That does not arise, does not evolve I do not understand That I have had 3 relationships and with the 3 relationships I work, I pay, I do Now, now we are talking! I must understand, I will make a recap, I must understand, you work I understand that financially by yourself you earn money and you're fine Are you in a relationship now? And I understand that it is the partner You realize the emotion that is appearing in you today Because you have to speak in concrete terms and touch a little where it hurts in order to change things I understand that your main conflict is that your partner does not contribute money at home Nothing? Sometimes yes sometimes no Well her body language says no Okay, I want you to give me a specific scene with him Where that issue arises and stress arises and there is a conflict concretely Wherever it is spoken, because I understand that you have some type of claim, it is a topic that is discussed We don't talk much about talking, it is known that That there is a problem So first problem Wait, wait, easy when it gets interesting everyone wants to go fast First problem is not talking about the problem Yes it is a problem So I mean And this has to do with you, it is a way of not wanting to hurt him and hurt him Because when I speak I suffer or the person gets hurt Listen, listen, if you do not want to talk about the subject so as not to hurt him or not to put his self-esteem wrong or whatever I mean, you cover the problem Then you have no right to complain Then you do not have the right to complain because you yourself are agreeing to take financial care of the two And if you do not express the disagreement The other person does not have to change So here we have touched on something interesting What is your unconscious need to take care of the system And the complaint, about wanting to be free, enjoy life I complain that others do not allow me to make my life but at the same time I don't want to change the problem This is what we talked about before And that has to do with his family with his parents I mean, there is a point honey, in which you have become addicted To solve the problems of others And to take care of you and take care of everything Who did it? Your mother did it? First assimilate this You complain that you have a husband who does not contribute But you also don't do anything to resolve the situation Then the responsibility is yours This is where you have to apply unity consciousness, in problems I no longer complain that he does not contribute, but I wonder why I find a person Which is also the third, you mentioned it to me It turns out that it does not help me in the support of tasks, responsibilities, etc., etc. It is my intrinsic need to take care of myself and not trust other people to do it So, as Enric says very well, let's go where the seeds of all this are planted That precisely and surely darling, you have grown up in an environment In which, or dad did not take care of the housekeeping And neither of the responsibilities or mom or both, and you had to assume that role, which is a way of becoming an adult too quickly 16 years old Tell us a little bit to enlighten us So you make the context very clear I would ask you a direct question which is, do you pass money on to your parents? At the moment? When i lived with them yes We already have 3 people who depend on you Have you seen how it is repairing? Do you have children? A girl Four, four children you have, a girl You have, a girl, a boy, a girl and another boy This is violence, I take a parenthesis To understand another world, this is violence and she has assumed, has made the transfer And she is the one violated And she continues to violate herself, Rosana continues to violate herself and she thinks that she is just as good, but she is so violent As were her parents Because she continues to maintain, of what we speak, the same attitude and on top of that she complains But she does nothing Then notice I want you not to talk about the emotional environment when you were little And what I was telling you, what happens at home so that you would have to assume that responsibility To begin with, my father would not let my mother do anything, my parents in those days when I was little He was very macho or that is the reference that I have Because my mother wanted to do things, develop and my father didn't! you must be here in the house and nothing else So when I was about 6, 7 years or so my father got sick Your father what? excuse me... My father got sick Well, it was already a few years to collect just enough to then prepare your retirement When your father gets sick I understand that until then he was the one who contributed the economy ¿That happened with 6, 7 years of yours, you say? more or less so And what happens, that is, when your father gets sick, what consequences does it produce in you and the system, what change is there? What does that imply for you? From what I can remember is that everything in my house was very secret, it was all very hidden, so all I saw were the bad faces But look there honey, you make an internal decision that is not only to take care of the emotional state of mom But also from dad And life has sent you 3 dads So there your father who until then who was the one who contributed stops contributing There is where the crisis, pain and stress occurs because You have to cut expenses It is a dangerous environment That marks your identity to this day, that is why you cannot let go of taking care of others But darling, applying one of the resources that we have discussed to close your case We have spoken before that our behavior ultimately fuels the system problem So in the end you are assuming that the people around you are incapable people, who are not capable precisely of being able to solve their problems and figure out their lifes Not your daughter, not your parents, not your husband As long as you continue solving problems for them, they will continue to pull you, so you are not doing them a favor. You are limiting their growth In the same way that your parents did with you And another thing David, another thing Rosana, you are repairing your mother, you said that your father I wouldn't let your mother do anything, therefore your mother couldn't take care of herself And you are repairing your mother, therefore, think that thanks to the fact that your mother could not be an economically independent person You are an economically independent person The internal danger Rosana is that if you stop working and take a rest You do not have the security that the man can provide or can get sick or anything can happen that is precisely what happened at home It has already happened, I already took a parenthesis of that type, of me staying without working And suddenly 3 months without paying a mortgage, I almost did not know where to eat, my father helped me precisely What was it when he gave me so I could eat Exactly, the same fear is activated again But until you see the internal need to occupy yourself, the situation will not change. Because surely when you stop you are afraid Or do you feel guilty for stopping to attend So then the problem arises But precisely the pain of the system that is when your father was sick and nobody could bear it That you had to take charge of that matter Precisely that wound, that trauma that marked the system It's what you have to start doing, which is, stop Stop and rest And take care of yourself That's what it costs work You are in excess of taking care of others You have to reverse the thought and realize that the excess that I project out It is the one that I have to project towards me, therefore you have said from the beginning that I have listened to you I want to live life And here the only person who is prevented from living life is you You are the jailer You have the padlock And you have the key What life is telling you is that you are in excess and you have to re-invest that excess And start living your life That is, in other words, to take care of yourself, which is what really has you trapped Thank you very much Rosana Thanks Rosana Thanks I want the microphone to the blonde who is there, she is very covered that you can see her eyes there When we speak into the microphone, you have to take off your mask, please take it off We had not said it, because if not Thank you Rosana, thank you Look Rosana before continuing with the case What scares you above all is to return to an emotional state in which your mother was, which was without working, taking care of the house more, more of the tasks that this implies In other words, it is a way of stopping and not continuing in that over-demand and in that work dynamic that is exhausting you So your fear is to look like her because that internal decision I'm already remembering why you raised your arm before What is it not to look like mom and it is precisely where you have to return Every judgment we make, sooner or later we have to integrate it And until you dare to stop there cannot be another person to take that reign And that I can also share the burden with you, which is also very unfair, because in the end you end up being as alone as your mother was It is precisely how I feel now and it is like jail and I am like "what am I doing, stop it!" Take care of yourself I know I don't have the right thought, but well That so that you can all see to what extent we live in hypnosis And we're stuck, like we don't know what to do When you really have to do at least the opposite of what I'm doing And if that woman asks 3 men that are in quotes "equals", then he has very good aim. Also darling, and this is now to close This is the true way to integrate your mother Of course and to honor her Because it is a way of honoring her, that is, okay mom where I judge your behavior now is that I partly need it! And it is a way of integrating your mother into you and not continuing to judge her, that is when true forgiveness occurs Or when before you saw a problem now you see the resource, I have to start being a little more like her What's your name honey? Aurora Aurora, very well Hi Aurora, welcome Thank you, you are a volunteer, well everyone who is here are volunteers You have cold, a little We notice Well you've seen how this works, obviously from everything you've heard Nor is it about you taking out the problem of your life here, much less Because when we touch a part of the system we touch the system and I imagine that speaking of the topic of Rosana that you have not seen much more than less already Therefore, what is it that you have not really solved, which can be as a daughter or as a mother Well, in fact, I am living with my mother and I have been living with her for a few years. And how old are your darling? 47 Are you married? I'm divorced, that's why I had to come back I lived abroad and I had to come here You get married and you leave home Yes! And you live with your husband how long? Well I was married for the first time ten years with a person, I went to live in Alicante And after Alicante I went to Madrid and I was with another couple Well I have not understood you but it is the same A nuance Why did you say that you had to go back to your parents' house, why did you have to go back? Because I went to Madrid I had a partner there, it was a very bad divorce, I was ruined, let's say, I stayed on the street And you couldn't go to a friend's house? It was wrong I had to put some distant Did you tell me your name? forgive me Aurora Aurora, we don't want justifications How old were you when you went to Madrid with that couple? When I went to Madrid, 36 Look here to me You are talking to a person who left home with what he was wearing at 18 Well i did it too No! Ask yourself a question that you don't dare to ask Why am I at my mother's house? Yes! Why? For what? No, I don't want you to answer it, for what? Because you have a job now? Yes! Can you be independent now? No! Yes! Yes, because I was! and I lived in a flat with four fellow students Where we want to take you, remind me of your name, honey, sorry Aurora Aurora, where we want to go is that you said, "I had to go back to my parents' house!" Off course! That "I have to", is a limiting belief I assure you, I assure you, that alternatives had Off course Go with a friend, go with two, go with three, a shared flat anywhere There are infinite resources, but unconsciously that is what we must understand We justify our behavior because we have to give them an explanation But your unconscious takes you back to your parents' house Yes! And that is precisely where we are going to work on the conflictive point that makes you come back. Es que no entiendo por que yo I don't understand why me... Or for what? No, why are you going to your mother's house? No! Do not answer me, it is the same, you are going to tell me a story that you have told yourself And that it is useless because you are still the same With forty-something years you have told me that you have Yes! Ok, good! Perfect, whether you are with your mother or not, I don't care and David does too, but my question is What emotional environment did you live between mom and dad? so that you unconsciously, as has happened with Rosana You feel compelled to go home unconsciously and you may not understand why I am doing it. That is, it is not a problem that you live with your parents today Exactly! is what i want to say What gives us the feeling is that you are precisely there And it's a troubled environment for you Off course! You could live with them and live the sea of happiness Yes, I would like to be somewhere else Exactly, but you want to be somewhere else because there is a problem Off course! There it is In coexistence with your parents And that you lived it as a very little darling In other words, somehow there was a stress, which is what you are going to explain to us now. Yes One detail, what is the stress at home, what is the stressful environment Well, I saw little of my father and it is true that sometimes they argued They argued, but when they argued ... Look what you said, look how you speak sweetheart If it is true that sometimes they argued and I'm not going to deny that they argued, because of course they argued Who does not argue with the couple? If that is healthy to discuss Because precisely the romanticism is leaving and authentic love appears, the cloud is leaving But there was a stress, for you to identify that I have to go see my mother my question is does your father live? Yes And does he live at home with your mother? No, they are separated Okay, well perfect, are they separated or divorced? Divorced Well, separated is one thing and divorced is another Well, I don't know if they signed the papers in the end, well they haven't seen each other for many years What stress do you perceive your mother going through at home? Of course he complained a lot that my father was late Well, don't go on, the complaint How old are you when your mother tells you that, when you hear that 7 years old Well, perfect, what we talked about, take a good look That has to be very clear, I share with the others darling For mom to complain to her daughter or sons about what daddy does This is violence, does anyone have any doubts about that? Do you have any doubts Aurora? That is violence Because she is putting us a seed and the seed that is putting on you It's that dad, in quotes, is bad, okay? "Is bad" I'm not saying that you think so Is that clear? But that is a type of violence, in fact it is not violence what Dad does, but Mom's complaint There is no worse violence for me than the mother's complaint to her children about what the other couple does, are we clear? When you live this story To go quickly, we are now when you go to Madrid with your partner, okay? Yes! What was the reason for the separation? I caught a lot of things that he didn't, a lot of things that he didn't ... You know that you are not answering me I guess you realize that you don't answer me That he was cheating on me What was the straw that broke the camel's back and you say so far, "we're done!" That he was cheating me, he drank a lot So you marry a man Yes You saw what it takes to say things, it's normal darling, Aurora thinks it's normal That it would be clean and bare-chested to say, hey, I divorced or separated because my husband was leaving with another And besides he was drunk, period, perfect Therefore, you are repeating a role of a complaint from your mother, she complains about her partner, do you follow me? Your father also drank? or was the money spent on other things? Well I have never seen him drunk but he did go to the bar every day He did his things Yes Therefore I want you to see Aurora, honey I want you to understand that in a way you are going to assume, do you know what role you have assumed? Be your mother's husband That's neither good nor bad, please make it clear I just feel like I've never been in a place where I had to be I mean, I get in the way I'm at my mother's house and I feel like I'm in the way That is to say very well, but notice that you are at your mother's house and you are in the way, but notice that It already has to do with your age, because your unconscious is telling you, the same as Rosana Honey, if you really want to respect your mother and your parents Live your life And you have to do like Lot's wife, you leave without looking back Free from resentment, your parents couldn't do better But somehow the one who is doing the violence is you Ok darling, yes? And realize that talking about the other, mind you, is that my husband was cheating on me or my partner I do not know what he was doing But it has to do with me, that's the information that I carry To honor our parents I have to live the experiences that they lived And do what they did not know how to do, am I explaining myself? And this is the best act of love that you can do to yourself and your mother and your father, because if not your mother You keep creating dependence on you and in your unconscious there is that need to live your life And the truth is that you have plenty of time to do it And that doesn't mean you don't talk to your mother Or go have a chocolate or a coffee when you feel like it, I don't know if I'm explaining myself? But you have to get away from your family because you have to live your life, knowing, honey... Knowing that you will meet people who will carry the same information, that is Always as you saw with Rosana, up to three, three And if she keep doing the same she will find up to four So take that step into the dark Let's see what happens, and you find a similar one, you say I know this movie, thank you for coming Because that way with my interpersonal relationships I can know myself Know what information I am carrying, because everything is reflected in my life, do you follow me darling?, ok? Thanks! Notice that meeting men of the same profile as your mother met It is a way of unconsciously agreeing with him That leads you to stay by his side, in both cases That in the end there is also a thread between cases, notice that both you and Rosana's case Trauma appears at six, seven, or eight years It is an age in which every person Son, daughter, has to go from a maternal phase, that the main emotional bond is with the mother Where the father has a little more presence And the person opens up to new contexts, to new environments, that is a way of individualizing and separating from the emotional phase in which they were Begin to know other contexts and where the father begins to have more prominence for seven, eight years, that is studied in psychology But what happens when the father is not a good reference Because he's not physically, because he's not emotionally, or he's drunk or drunk or whatever Or because he is sick, which is a way that he is not someone who empowers us That far from going forward and growing Where we go is backwards And the bond with our mother is reinforced Instead of weakening and beginning to disidentify with their problems and their stories We identify excessively Because we don't have another person, in this case the father As a figure healthy enough to generate that emotional separation with mom And we can refer ourselves in another person That's why we get stuck there, that's why you become your mother's partner And that's why that constant dissolution with men And in the case of Rosana the same Same same! It's a way to stay loyal to mom So to do that step is to show you disagree with her And show her that if you could have another life And that she was partly responsible for the kind of life she led All this is implicit in daring to make our life In fact the best help, as has been said before, the best help that others can do is not to help It is like the one who is a drug addict and gives him the drug so that you do not see him suffer But the crisis has to pass, he has to become a man, he has to become a woman Y tiene que hacerse responsable de su vida Therefore somehow you have been frozen in a time That it has nothing to do with your chronological age but ultimately there is an inner struggle that tells you Aurora darling, take your mother and give her a hug! I have to live my life and I have to do the hero's journey What is it like to overcome the mother issue, the male issue and ultimately to see what life brings me and grow in that adventure Thanks Aurora, honey! Yes, let's go to one last case Let's talk to one of the volunteers we have here I would like to close with that person who is there, what is your name darling? Oh well Eli, it's true that the things we've talked about have moved you internally Well, let´s go We will close with you You have spoken Let's hope she speaks because we do not have more time to see more cases, but in the end thank the two previous cases We always say that the stories are very similar between us and when we hear a case it already helps us to resonate To do an internal analysis and see that we can change, it is not necessary to work one by one because they are already representative cases. Did you tell me your name? Eli! Ok Eli Where is your mind, where are you internally, I already ask you directly What has resonated with you? With what have you stayed, because I have seen you all the time as reflective and others Where has your mind taken you, which can be, either with your parents or with a partner as we are seeing That is, where are you today? With my parents With both of us, with one of the two? With both Mostly with mom Today, currently Mostly with her mother she said With both parents but mostly with her mother So, what does precisely happen with her? Well, she is always complaining about my father Is this currently happening? Yes, yes, yes, during my entire life Give me a precise example in what form does that limit you? Before going into a detailed scene Because you could hear your mother complain about your father It saddens me, I feel sorry It saddens me I want to understand how it affects you I limit myself Does she call you? Always You can tell me well, look, I am forced to go every weekend with her I don't know, I want to understand what you do or how that situation affects you I care more about her But what are you doing? Then you worry, you call her more, or what do you do You are going to see it, what are you doing specifically? I call her You call her Yes So I want a concrete situation about this Where something happens and you have to call her or attend her You can say, look a week ago, two days ago, a month ago, if you say what happened recently, well, two days ago Yes, well two weeks ago, yes, yes, yes We are going to describe a specific scene so that it is clear to everyone Where have you been two weeks ago? Where are you when that happens? At home At your home, do you live with someone else? Yes, with my partner and my baby Are you married? Well, not married but living as a couple With your partner and with whom else? And with my baby, my girl How old is she? 9 month, as you And what happens? Well, she calls me, and... Is your mother calling you? Yes Ok She laughs An usual call, I understand Yes, usual, as always You already know what it is about, the story or what is going to happen No Are you already expecting something? Yes sure Let's stop right there Notice that it is interesting there to analyze all the behavior of each of the things we do Because there you are forcing yourself to pick up the phone Yes You don't want to pick up the phone Sometimes no Sometimes no... You know Look, this is as if I know that behind that call comes an hour-long drama I don't want to pick up the phone But I force myself to pick up the phone Therefore who is holding the emotional state of mom and her problems The one who puts the ear Eli Her name is Eli Yes, and my sister I tell you so that you realize internally how there is your internal obligation to attend to it With those little actions Because you could not pick up the phone You could call her and the moment she lets go of it, say, mom is enough! I'm getting to that point Today we are going to push everything so that it is fulfilled So she calls you, you pick up the phone So then then I notice her voice like... And what is wrong with you, mom? Well, nothing, I feel very alone and she starts to cry Do you remember the behaviors, "I feel alone" Yes It's a way of saying, I need you, stay by my side and don't go anywhere What else does she tell you? When she tells you "I feel lonely", what do you do and what do you say Well, let her do things, that if my father goes fishing, then let her go fishing Well, she tells me that the boat scares her to goes out with your father Off course Or with her friends to have a drink Or with her friends, exactly Do you tell her that? Yes, yes yes, I tell her And what does she answer you? Well, the topic of going fishing that no, not even crazy, that scares her And about her friends, currently because of the pandemic And of course if he has a life in the world of fishing, then she kind of has always stayed at home And continuing with the conversation where is the point that stresses you the most What stresses you the most about what happens? So it stresses me that she always complains When you say that to her, what does she end up saying? Well, nothing daughter, that's it, as always Well, she says, it will pass, as it always goes on the same and I good until next time A second piece of information is that your mother is not interested in hearing your solutions or your resources. So why lose strength and energy in giving them A lot of times I've told her to break up Do you see? No? Then so why do you repeat it? Why waste saliva, energy, time on a person who does not want to pay attention to us? She does not want to apply your resources, what she wants is to continue spending time with you And how is that reflected with your partner? That is... I am very busy... We are going to do two steps, how does it reflect with your partner? and then where does everything come from? Habitual conflict with your partner With the boy I yell at him you what? She yells at him I yell at him She yells at him, do you see? Do you see? Everything you accumulate here you shouts it over there That aggressiveness is towards your mother It's towards your mother! That aggressiveness is what you do not allow yourself to apply to separate yourself from her, which is what we have said What you need is to get away emotionally, is Being angry, resentful of your mother and express it to her Not towards the man which is what she has taught you If not to her The one who is the real dragon Because it is precisely what is feeding the type of interpersonal relationships that you are maintaining Do you yell at him why? For anything it must be Yes But why? Give me an example Out of anger An example Well, for differences in opinions Give me a specific example An example, today when leaving home Today when you leave the house, a fresh one That I could not find the car key and he had left it inside the car And he tells me, well, look for it well because you never see it and I tell him, well, it is you who never see it And with that nonsense, we have already gotten half angry, but well, nothing happens, it is just a key But in the end, take a good look, you discredit him for anything Yes And I realize this It is a way of incapacitating him, that is, constantly pointing out everything that he does wrong Yes And that doesn't have to do with you either That is a resentment that you drag from your mother So when you were little darling Your mother had to be very lonely anyway, you had to see her that she could not emotionally lean on your father, that is to say Or dad is not at home, what happens at home, because you, this take care of mom today It's what you've been dragging forever And she said that she was ashamed, that is, that therefore something happens What happens at home with your parents? What is the constant and recurring environment Bad, fights, cryings Fights, for what reason? Why? Yes, what happens, what happens what is the problem For everything What happens? For almost everything at home Between my father and my mother Yes, but what does your mother recriminate to your father? Do you understand why I ask that question? Well, because he leaves her alone Why? Because he leaves her alone How? Going fishing, going out with friends I'm talking about you being little, five, six, seven years old, was he going to go fishing then? Yes, he was going to championships And it was just fishing or something else There were infidelities Now... you see how we cover things up It's that I see, darling, a smile that doesn't help you all the time Because what you're doing is really covering up the problem It is an issue that in the end you have to take more seriously to transcend it As long as you keep covering it with a smile, it's like taking strength away And it is important It is important to point out, it is important to recognize how much you suffered in that environment And the moment dad leaves with others, he is not at home and leaves mom alone Again, as in the previous case, the one next to mom is you And anger with men is also mom's anger as we have said before And surely you have a person by your side who looks nothing like your father but you still see him Off course So you can see He never yells He never yells He never get into fights He is always at home He is always at home with you Yes, yes, yes Right? Yes Look, you are looking for someone next to you to be with you totally different from dad but why throw all the anger that your mother never dared not tell him And that is a way to compensate a behavior, that is to say You're revealing all the aggression that your mother held back I want to make it clear David, to finish I want you all to become aware of the extent to which we do behaviors and do things that are not ours It is precisely the reason for today's conference, today's talk, that we realize Of the cases we have had, Eli's case is a spectacular case Take a good look at how she gives her advice You imagine that you have a friend who comes to tell you that her husband is cheating on her and you say, well, you should get a divorce And so one month and two months and five years, who has the problem? You Eli, you! You! do you understand? You assume, the unconscious makes the conflict its own And you project it, not with this man that you have, because if you marry another man you will also do the same Because you have assumed your mother's chronic complaint and that it has contaminated you Not with premeditation and treachery, far from it We talk about rediscovering our parents to understand them In your case, darling, your way of rediscovering your father is by going fishing with him and leaving your mother at home. And I want you to understand the metaphor of the phrase I'm going to say You have to do what your father did with your mother, which is what you have always judged Be apart Do you understand? You are still angry with the man, which is a way of being positioned in favor of mom And to believe that he is to blame and that and that they are not responsible for what they lived What has been judged in your system is that dad left and left your mother helpless So what has been judged as your father's action is what you have to start doing with it Those conversations on the phone Are over Let them be reduced and every time you feel that the conversations with your mother that you have and others, weigh you down, tire you and take away your energy Well, you go fishing with your father And, if not Eli, you tell your mom... You separate from her We have a coffee a chocolate and talk whatever you want less of that story That's what you don't allow yourself to do And that is a way to honor your father in this case It is honoring an action of him Because surely the problems that you are having with your mother right now, allow you to understand your father So, that action that you do not allow yourself to do with her Because it is what your mother judged and what was judged in the system, it is what you have to start doing Emotionally withdrawing so your mother can grow Instead of limit her Because we are making her needy It is a way of infantilizing her And also because dad had to go fishing because he was already fed up with mom Is a joke It's a way, I mean, it's a way to infantilize her So when you allow yourself to do that You will be calmer, because you will not be holding problems that are not yours Emotional states of your mother that you don't feel like doing And then you can be in another way with your partner And it is precisely there where the change has to occur As long as you keep dragging that, you will not be 100% with your partner and be able to build a type of relationship And when you integrate your father in that way, your partner will not feel obliged to be by your side either. Let me explain, you are also going to allow him to do that step, why are you going to stop judging him in your father Therefore you are going to allow it to him Do you understand? It is a change in every way Our change is a change that helps the system Maybe she is the one who has to say to her husband, "You know, darling, you stay with the girl or the boy that I am going with my friends to spend a weekend." You will see freedom of movement both yours and his And when he leaves, mind you, the judgment is, dad is gone, that's why you always have a man by your side So when you don't judge that behavior because you allow it to do with your mother, with the people you care about You will also allow other people to do it And you will not feel that they abandon you Well to finish David, thank you Eli, Aurora to Rosana and all of you who are here Good for showing three buttons, but notice that after everything we have explained, it is here, also do not think that things vary a lot, in fact someone said that there are four, five stories in the world and everyone repeats it and disguises it by telling other things, other stories But in the end it's always the same Thank you very much to all It has been a pleasure, thanks for participating, see you next time Thank you for being here, thank you all
