Brian 'Head' Welch From KORN Speaks About His Freedom From Addiction & Faith | Now With Natalie

the views information or opinions expressed during the filming of this show are solely those of the individuals involved and do not necessarily represent those of hillsong channel or hillsong church [Music] why do we see ourselves the way we do culture often dictates that our worth path and identity are determined by our race our gender the things we've done and the things that have been done to us projections of the lives of others and the state of our world saturate our news feeds making it difficult to distinguish the real from the highlight reel i'm natalie manuel lee and in this series i'll be digging beneath the surface to uncover what it really means to be bold transparent and confront our shame and this season i'll be speaking with people at the top of their industry from the realms of music radio politics television and philosophy to find out how they navigate shame and translate their hardships into opportunities to refine themselves instead of define themselves so how do we rise above challenges to truly operate in our purpose and identity [Music] across history and culture freedom has proved to be one of humanity's most valued ideals but what does it look like within our own lives and inner worlds whether from choices we've made circumstances thrust upon us or a mixture of both everybody is looking for freedom on some level and i'm seeking to look further into the nuances of how that freedom plays out quick fixes vices and habits can sometimes provide temporary relief from our shame but what unintended impact can these things have on us i've heard it said that knowledge is freedom but hardship can seem senseless and tragedy incomprehensible is it possible to find freedom within the mystery of the unknowable and does freedom mean smooth sailing or can we still get caught up in shame and temptations along the way in this episode i took time out in new york city with new metal icon brian head welch this talented musician has spent much of his career as lead guitarist for the chart-topping grammy-winning group corn as well as pioneered ventures of his own i'd seen glimpses of a softer side to this hard rocker who was also a single dad and well-known man of faith i sat down in the studio with brian and with his daughter janaea to find out more about what freedom has looked like in their lives how are you gonna go here i keep cutting it you do yeah well this part did you kind of do layers i like the way i look thank you i have the shampoo it's made for dreads and i just wash it once a week and i just but it gets a look though and so take this away man when did you discover that you had a talent playing the guitar when my mom said i said i want an electric guitar i'm not i'm no country fan you know i don't want a box a wooden box i want to plug it in and she's like learn something show me a song and so i was like i'll show you i learned mary had a little lamb whatever she wanted to hear i realized that i could learn i could i could hear the notes and i can learn things quick even my bullies they found out i could play and they were like man play me a song you punk you know how old were you then probably 10 10 years old so you discovered that you had talent at 10 years old it was my thing like go in my room and just get lost in music that's all i wanted to do was music and i wanted to be on that tv that mtv channel not as like i want to be a big rock star i just wanted to create something that people would enjoy right you know and so crazy how the destiny would play out [Music] with your high school friends you formed the band corn you guys had massive success did that do anything to your ego 100 yes you know it's like it's be careful what you wish for type of thing it just wasn't what i dreamt about when i was a kid you know but it was fun what did you dream about as a kid i dreamt about just music and having a good time i didn't i didn't dream about having like um just groupies around or drugs or getting wasted and waking up with a hangover every day or playing the same set every night i didn't you don't compute when you're when you're a kid you're like oh you know it's all just be in front of those people when you get there it's like you're thankful but you're playing the same show every night and it's like the same day every day it's not what you think it's not what you what we see either in your earlier days of corn what was your lifestyle like i was just a kid man it was it was kind of like we were a frat party it was just drinking all the time wake up and drink um have some dinner drink some more hang out with uh the fans the girls and then stay up till like you know until the sun's coming up and then go to bed sleep till three just repeat and so it was just a cycle of that did you enjoy that cycle or were you kind of like is there more it felt dark a little dark but i just was in the cycle like me personally i had a root of like self-hatred deep in i just didn't like the way i looked i didn't like me and so maybe that's why i just dove into music because i wanted to be something that i wasn't you know i didn't like who i was and so i felt safe as i masked myself with alcohol and drugs i was a functioning alcoholic and drug addict [Music] the world of celebrity can sometimes mask potentially damaging lifestyles but on this journey i'm seeing that it doesn't ultimately stop the shame spiral inside when we are consumed with the environment that we've built life can catch us unaware and take us on our diverging path access all your favorite preaching worship and shows on demand this is incredible hillsong channel now subscribe today a few years before that me and my my wife we had we had a child before we got married before corn got signed we're a kid she was 19. we didn't know if we'd stay together but um she went to abortion clinic and couldn't go through with it and decided to find parents who would uh adopt our our baby we just felt so empty and lost you know giving a piece of view away you know to be adopted we were kids but we were we were lost we were drug addicts we were like in a perfect world we would like okay let's take her back and then get sober and you know you know we'll just do the best we can but it didn't happen like that it was break up get back together drugs you know all that stuff but we made it through when corn started having success she got pregnant then we decided to get married and it was just like janae was like a second chance [Music] janae was born in the summer of 98. she represented hope in a second chance but freedom from the hurts and habits of the past didn't automatically ensue and unfortunately brian's marriage didn't last having grown up with the parent in the limelight myself i wondered what janae's experience had been like what were those early memories like as a child i had a lot of really good times when i would go on the road with my dad he made sure to make sure that so much fun but a lot of my memories are just i guess um kind of hopping from household to household and you were hopping around because your dad was on tour yeah at some points um especially when i started kindergarten uh my dad would be gone for months on end and i needed some like uh someone to take me to school every day and pick me up what was your worst memory oh i think it was my third or fourth birthday and my mom had been gone for a year however long it was i don't know my mom showed up with skinheads at my birthday party and was like hey janae like nothing ever happened i think the worst memory was her her showing up and leaving it was pretty pretty hard and i blocked it out for so long because it hurt so bad as brian masks his pain rather than deal with the shame it brought jenea learned to do the same in her own way perhaps every person has done this at some point in life but freedom calls us all we can wrap our wounds up for a time but the temporary fixes need to unravel for healing to take place you had everything the fame the money but you accepted an invitation to church why do you think you did that it was a last resort when my wife left me and i got full custody of janae i was like i'm getting sober i gotta step up and be a good dad and i did for four months and then i fell back into addiction and that lasted years i was like the most successful tweaker you've ever met and i'm like in front of thousands of people on stage every night i'm doing real estate deals that back at home i was the most most functioning meth addict ever but i was a shell inside and i was withering away so my real estate partners were christians i think they sensed that i was just lost and and uh just empty honestly that's the best word for it these guys invited me go to church i initially laughed at them and i'm like i'm not scared scared people go to church a couple weeks later i'm like hey oh i guess i'll check it out you pick me up in a big old lifted hummer like 12 inches off the ground it's all purple come on yeah and i'm like i'm like this guy is not like ned flanders yes so i get in his truck i go there i'm on meth the whole night before i get in there i have a hood on and i felt this piece that i never felt before the pastor was really cool he was just like saying it like it was like you can be the worst person in here and god wants to come and live inside of you he was like come as you are and i was the scum of the earth in my mind i'm like i'm a piece of crap you know i'm just i'm nothing and so i was like i raised my hand and he said just talk to jesus no i almost started talking to jesus after you had your god moment you did go back to meth did you feel ashamed yeah i was running i was hiding but i couldn't get high the same way i feel guilty because i invited christ to live inside of me and i'm like i don't want to get jesus high he lives in me did you really think you were getting jesus high no but kinda kinda it was like it was like he's a part of this you know what i mean i was a deep well right off the bat you know what changed me it was was after that two week that last two week binge i did i was like how do i know i'm not getting brainwashed you know god how do i know and that's when i felt this like eternal love like wrap around me and i felt like my heart felt like he was just saying you're home you're home now everything changes everything's forgiven everything is going to be healed i love you your daughter needs you and it was just all these thoughts and all these feelings at once and i knew right then that that was the moment that everything changed i was like i'm a completely different person now these pivotal moments mark so many of our journeys but is dark to light in reality as cut and dry as we hope it will be after an experience with the divine the pressure is often on for freedom to be constantly evident but life on earth is complex and a lot of gray area exists as we walk things out get exclusive access to behind the scenes footage episodes from season one and check out other bonus content only on hillsong channel now when you left corn you got criticism and then you went back and you got more criticism what was that journey like once i got touched by the divine spirit i was just like whatever i'll say and do whatever and i got mocked like big time and i said some crazy things too because i was coming off of drugs and but i didn't care anymore i was just like you know god is real god revealed himself to me and he and he wants you to he'll do it the same for you i'm thinking like you guys i just i went and tested this out it's good now come on in it's all good i promise it's real jesus is real i know those religious people you know you want to choke them out and everything but i'm telling you he's real and i was thinking like all these fans and all these people are gonna be like oh my gosh pride brian figured out it's real let's go and so that didn't happen and so uh that was that was uh when it didn't happen did you feel alone yeah i felt alone but uh i remember reading the bible and i just felt like a whisper inside like you know will you suffer with me will you you will you walk down a path that's lonely and and will you suffer with me and you know take the lonely road and i just remember holding the bible going yes i will and so i expected it so once i rejoined corn and got backlash it was i knew it was going to happen but it still affected me and i kind of fell into the trap of like you know going online and debating people or arguing or trying to belittle them that was not fruitful it was like trying to defend myself did you feel like you had to um i felt like i wanted to i just stay offline and comments all the time now because i'll just lose hope with humanity you know lose hope with christians they're just so judgmental and and they just they won't wait and give time to see people change or unfold they just judge it right then ah you're going back to the band couldn't stay away from the riches huh oh you ran out of money oh dog returns to his vomit all that stuff but i know jesus personally myself and i've had encounters so i'm just like you're not gonna make me walk away from him yeah at all ever i found the meaning of life no one's gonna take the meaning of life away from me why do you think christians judge so much and so quickly i think there's a lot of reasons but uh immaturity pride lack of humility you know love and humility is what jesus is that's the root and they're missing the the the whole character of christ and i always tell people like when we get to heaven those people are not going to be like that don't worry you're not going to go to heaven be with a bunch of hypocritical people all that stuff's going to be burned away from that religion and that bitter hatred judgmental attitude all that stuff's gonna be burned away but it's hard man because you get lumped in a box with people like them you know yeah and uh but i just focus on on me being me my relationship with god and you know i'm in this crazy metal community and you know touring and everything with all these bands and i'm just who i am and i still sometimes get rejected by the world and christianity you know so i feel like i'm in this kind of lonely road still [Music] in your documentary loud crazy love you are so vulnerable and so honest and so transparent and you know you cover your relationship with your daughter why do you think it was so important to be honest you know there's so many people that are stuck in the depravity of their secrets and if i didn't share like the deepest darkest secrets i feel like it's an injustice and to humanity because they need to know how unoffendable jesus is and that he can deal with any of their ugly all the other kids had their mom and dad come to mother's day or father's day she had been physical punching holes in walls she just couldn't connect with anybody i assumed things were going to be different people offered her drugs and like dang it i got physical i flipped tables i can't control my rage i'm stressed out i just wanted someone to realize i'm hurting she says i cut myself because of you what was that experience like for you in that season of depression and in that season of self-harm i didn't know how to communicate that i was hurting i really believe that the abandonment was the root of my depression self-harm anxiety how could i trust anyone when everyone that i knew left people were in and out of my life how how could i learn to trust social media played a big big part in my self-harm how so there was almost like this subculture of like kids who were depressed and like cut themselves and burned themselves you know and so it was like it was almost like a competition of who who who had it the worst what was your sense of self like i hated myself i didn't know who i was i thought it was ugly i thought it was annoying i thought no one no one cared to to listen to what i had to say or cared enough to spend time with me and so i just didn't like myself when you learned about janea's journey of you know hurting herself and doing some some dangerous things where were you at mentally as a father honestly i felt like lost because by that point i had been in a relationship with god really trying to just build it and really get trying to get to know him for seven years and all this all these character flaws just wouldn't go away my anger and my rage i was so mad at god i was like you're real i know you're real why won't you change me why are you letting my daughter fall so far she's the only one the only thing that i prayed for keep her close to you don't let her leave you and right when she turns to a teenager she's like gone she's suicidal threats thoughts she's harming herself she's she hates me and i'm just like how are you good you know how are you good god [Music] it's an age-old question and perhaps one we've all asked at some point how can a good god in such a broken world coexist [Music] why does he allow evil does he ever condone it is a true answer to these questions even comprehensible to the human mind [Music] i'm a mess my daughter's a bigger mess than she's ever been and i'm like how are you good and it was like where am i going to go you have the words to life jesus i'm just going to wait this out and see what happens and it was a big test honestly i had a lot of bitterness how did you make sense of it in that moment after the conversation with god being angry how are you good how did you get over it i think just the understanding of the ways the mysteries of suffering that i learned that um there's a process in and that it's like fire that burns away the dross and purifies you like gold so i have that understanding and i'm like i guess i'm just in the fire right now you reached out for external help what was that like um it was the hardest thing i ever went through in my entire life i i met this group this uh it was a boarding school i was on the road janae was with me and uh one of the co-founders tiffany clay wow i would hit her up and be like hey this is what's happening with my daughter what should i do every few months i'd hit her up and it got worse and worse then she started harming herself and one day i was just like do you have any openings at your boarding school and uh i told jenae we're going to visit somewhere and i didn't tell her what it was so we get there and she shows us around the whole place and tiffany gives me the signal and she's like tell her and i'll go janae we're not just visiting i go i'm leaving you here and you need to get help and she's like why and she's like looking for an exit tiffany like snatches her phone because her phone was like that was that was yeah and i just like break into pieces and i just looked her and i said i'm crying and i'm just like i will never abandon you [Music] my nails are so long i don't know oh my gosh which one are you playing oh get the green one bossy betsy sorry i just thought you look really freaky cool with the green one deep inside i knew something good was gonna happen and she she changed man two months into the program i i got to visit her two months later because there had to be a separation she got in the car and she goes dad i know i'm supposed to be here and that was it from that moment on she started working on herself for years [Music] why do you think it's so important to share your story oh my gosh because people feel alone people feel like in their struggles that we can't talk about it addiction and mental health just it's not taboo anymore everyone is dealing with it everywhere and so if i can help a kid that's contemplating suicide and hurting themselves and feeling self-hatred then sharing my that makes sharing my story worth it what would you say to a young person right here who is being bullied maybe they're hurting themselves maybe they're just feeling like there's no hope how would you encourage them today oh my gosh just telling them that they're not alone and that your your circumstance isn't isn't untouchable like if i can get through and if i can get through suicidal thoughts and be happy to wake up in the morning and like enjoy life like you can too and i would just say you're worth you're worth fighting for i never thought that i would be one of those people that's like life is good like it's so fun i'm doing this i never thought i'd be that person but i'm here i still battle with depression here and there but i have the tools now and enough self-love and confidence in myself that i i know how how to get myself up in the morning you know i'm saying i i don't feel stuck anymore you know and i love myself and i love the people around me and i'm not afraid of connection and relationship with people and i'm not afraid to do things for myself and fight for myself how is your relationship today with your dad we are so close i love him we have definitely uh been around the world been through hell and back but um we're pretty close what are you most proud of of your dad well almost kidding yeah um commitment i mean i did help you with them but yep i'm really proud of him for i guess being so real um to the public and uh not being afraid to share his most vulnerable times i guess i i think that's really honorable and really strong and a lot of times i want to protect him i don't know i think it's really uh honorable and also just for not giving up on me and relationships and yeah thank you what about you for janae what i'm most proud about janaya is probably just her uh her strength you know she's been she was handed the first part of her life uh some obstacles you know i tried to protect her from it but i didn't have anything in me by myself to protect her fully and so she went through a lot you know she just faced everything head-on she could have said you know dad get me out of this place you know begged me and begged me i probably would have gave in but she was like i'm gonna face my junk and so the counseling continued and she still wants to do it so it's admirable and uh i'm really proud of her being a christian and being in this secular world how do you sustain your convictions intimacy that's it what does that mean say okay god you come and i'm going to be silent and let you be still and let you be god and speak to me yeah touch me um show me who you are my biggest prayer and question for him is i want to know you do you feel like you know oh yeah oh yeah yeah i know i definitely know god but sometimes you know you'll sometimes things get confusing you know and so that's faith and trust i'm learning that there could be peace and contentment and accepting that while we can't understand everything in this life we all have an open invitation to discover our true value and our place in the world becoming and remaining free takes hard work and involves looking beyond ourselves but that tangible freedom will develop and unfold if we will just reach out for it are you able to forgive yourself yes that's a great question i am able to forgive myself completely because you know christ forgave everything and so that's a big thing i had to work on though and um there's still things i don't like about myself that you know why do i do these things you know things i don't want to do i do you know that whole thing but um i've forgiven myself that's a big thing we need to forgive ourselves because you know we're just falling do you feel free i'm so free man i just feel like i'm flying through life and spiritually emotionally and mentally you know it's not perfect though because i go through dark times and i get those down days and so i fight with that too but for the most part yeah i'm totally free i love myself now you know i really do in the next episode join me as i sit down with political commentator angela rye i visit her home to unpack vulnerability in the political sphere their current socio-political climate and issues of race and equality we uncover the ways that she helps give voice to the voiceless as we explore the concept of empowerment if you've been affected by the subject matter in this episode please contact a qualified healthcare professional in your area or go to hillsongchannel.com help shame will tell you you are what you've done i've discovered on this journey that shame has robbed a lot of people knowing who they really are during that time did you engage in the backlash i just resorted to creating so many distractions in my life that i didn't deal with what was happening we're in these verbally abusive relationships with our smartphones you got to ask yourself why right there was always somebody saying to me i was praying you died this morning it was kind of like a frat party the fans the girls in front of thousands of people but i was a shell inside one way to marginalize black people was to convince them that what they're saying isn't true that we've had it just the same can we have these conversations and it is unifying i think it is uncovering the darkness of what this country has been to so many why do you think that people don't want to confront their past everybody wants to feel good i will take this to make me feel good it's killing us when i was just at rock bottom so rock bottom that i was suicidal i had to just acknowledge some of the things that i've done some of the things that i thought were the hardest things to ever go through those were the things that solidified in me try me and try god there is so much hope and encouragement given when you're transparent with your story people they don't want to see the perfect story you've got to refuse to allow yourself to be defined by your mistakes you can't do anything to change the past but you can change your perspective of the past the beauty is is we're discovering how to dismantle shame robbing us of our full potential [Music] you

Channel: Hillsong Channel

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Keywords: hillsong, hillsong channel, hillsong church, hillsong worship, hillsong united, hillsong young and free, Brian head welch, korn, band, rock n roll, heavy metal band, meth head, Jesus, forgiveness, shame, Brian welch, korn band, Brian head welch testimony, Brian head welch save me for myself, jennea welch ferret, jennea welch singing

Id: OsKmOD4DrE8

Length: 31min 50sec (1910 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 15 2020