Bobby Mair | Russell Howard's Good News | FULL CLIP

thank you thank you I am Canadian I'd leave ya I'm not here for a year my first day here this lady's like oh my god Canadian you guys are so nice and then I just had this guttural urge to disprove her I'm like actually you know when I lived in Canada this guy lived down the street from me and he stabbed the woman 52 times after he took her out for dinner and she's like well in the UK wouldn't even take her out for dinner that is nice and now I live near the Brixton McDonald's and Brixton is one of the weirder neighbourhoods in London cuz like but I love the bricks of McDonald's cuz if you're feeling shitty about yourself and you're it's like what am I doing with my life you just go to the Brixton McDonald's at 4:00 in the morning and then you're like I'm doing fine like I got an 80 pound fine for putting a cigarette out on the ground in front of the Brixton McDonald's hey sounds like that's the problem with the neighborhood is too many cigarette butts on the ground not the fact that the team from the wire is dealing drugs all around me and then the ladies like well why didn't you just put in the bin there's a man [ __ ] in the bed like you have to find me my punishment is happening to live near here hey my first day I was walking in there he saw this lady and she's screaming at this homeless guy in a wheelchair and he has one leg I feel bad for the guy you know some empathy but then as walking out turns out he is the villain he punched this woman in the stomach and she fell on the ground crying and I was sitting there stunned I was like would I be a hero right now if I just punched this guy in a wheelchair or at least tipped him over and it would have been a fair fight really cuz he's down the lag and I'm holding a McFlurry so I'm down an arm pretty equal back and forth there's only two rules to the fight number one no dropping my McFlurry and number two no growing back your leg but that is not likely cuz you are not a lizard I've never been mugged or anything really cuz like I don't look like the kind of guy that can kick your ass cuz I'm not but I do look like the kind of guy were if you kicked my ass we'll just write your name down and shoot you in three years or in a good mood I'll just mail you a picture of your kids getting off a school bus but that pic will be taken from inside your house today I always walk through his group of kids as they kept like shoulder checking me and hitting me really hard so I said hey kid stop touching me you're violating my parole I actually move it under the weather everybody but cold right now and the worst part for me about having a cold is when you smell women's hair on the bus they can hear you you smell like strawberries you're sick I am sick she already cares about me I try not to be creepy I'm just not very good at it I was sitting on a bus and I was staring at this girl and like fantasizing and then I know this is other dudes staring the same woman and like fantasizing which is weird cuz now I feel like I'm in a psychic gangbang at me and this homeless dude are spit roasting a chicken a bus in our minds looks at me and he goes yeah I didn't know what to do so I was just like yeah what did I just agree to what does that even mean and I grew this beard cuz I want have the beard of a man just something resembling manhood it didn't work though just have a beard of a woman in the circus oh my way or someone actually asked me is your beard real if it wasn't this is the beard I would choose to put on every day when I wake up I'll take patchy hobo again but what I said was like no it's not actually everyday just shave my pubes and glue them to my face thanks for asking though I have this friend who's a vegetarian but she has a cat which I never understood I'm like so you won't murder an animal for food but you will kidnap a cat for joy cuz if you have a cat that's what you're doing you're kidnapping it and you know that cuz you ever leave a door open the poor cats like this is my chance reach for the door and right before it gets there you pick it up you're like what are you doing kitty you love me it doesn't love you and as Stockholm Syndrome like why would a cat love you when you took its balls its claws and you never let it meet another cat it doesn't even want to escape but just once death by car I really want Justin Bieber to sing at my funeral just that for my friends at the funeral my death is the second worst thing happening there like people genuinely want you to feel sorry for this kid cuz he was raised by a single mom that's a real thing and it's like hey you know it's way more depressing than two miserable people getting a divorce two miserable people staying together and raising the comedian you see before you like you know I moved here I moved here so the physical distance between me and my family matched the emotional one I loved x-men my favorite x-men is Professor Xavier cuz that guy is in a wheelchair but he can move things with his mind but that's what I never understood like if you can move a huge building with your mind shouldn't you be able to move your legs with your mind like I think he was just faking it for a better disability check and in the new x-men there's his mutant Darwin and Darwin's mutant abilities to adapt like when Darwin puts his head underwater he grows gills he adapts which is amazing but this guy's black in 1962 America gave you real gills on your face you should not be black in 1962 that's your mutant ability Darwin like at one point in the movie the guy had bulletproof skin and who's like dude you wouldn't need that if you're just white like I have an idea I have a theory hear me out I think that every person who lives in the Middle East should get to vote in the u.s. elections think about it every person who lives in the Middle East should get to vote in the US elections does it really [ __ ] affects them like more than anyone else in the world it affects them like if you're a guy in Nebraska who gets elected it's just a figurehead that you blame your life on that's it no connection but if you're Achmed in Afghanistan it matters forget to lek it determines the size of your next family reunion Paralympians year and a half I was reading this article about the unluckiest people ever and there was this couple and on 9/11 they are on holiday in New York and then when the London bombings happened they were on holiday there and then a year later when the shootings in Mumbai India happened they were on holiday there and this article said that they were the unluckiest people ever it has like well no they're not clearly they're just the organizers of three terrorist attacks this is Alan surely Qaeda like a few three were murdered you know and I was at every one year houses at the time of the murder you wouldn't be like a Bobby you're the unluckiest guy in the world you'd know what I am death I'm adopted so I've never met my mom and I don't know what she does for a living and that makes it really hard for me to enjoy a lap dance it does some guys want some beautiful stripper I just want one that doesn't have my nose that's all I'm looking for but my family isn't all bad like I love my adopted family my my 16 year old nephew came to visit me and he was like hey do you know I could meet some 16 year old girls I was like no and if I did you wouldn't be allowed to visit me ever and then I went to see him and I had Skype sex in his room he's about to find out with my girlfriend when he wasn't there and then it was awkward afterwards cuz I didn't know where to come but then I realized I'm in the room of a 16 year old boy this place is made of come let me come on a lampshade it would make no difference to the aesthetic of the room if you put on a UV light everything would still be the same color it would be totally fine I'm in a good mood I am it's cuz I'm taking my meds that really helps me I take antidepressants they call me down cuz if I don't take them I get weird bursts of rage like I was on a train platform and I was reading a book and I bumped into this lady accidentally and she's like excuse me and I'm trying to be nice trying like hey what's going on she's like no you should have said excuse me before you bug database and you have to understand what someone annoys me I just want instant revenge and right as you said that a train came and then all I wanted to do was throw myself in front of the train then look her in the eyes and be like you know lady this is all your [ __ ] fault and then as the train came closer I wanted to look at the lady but then at the Train and mock her and be like eggs and then die and then I want my tombstone put on her front lawn Jessie Bobby mare in 1986 - 2030 next yeah and then in 20 years when she's on her deathbed my son who's gonna be a doctor I don't want a son I cherish that but for the fantasy let's let it happen he's gonna look at her and say uh hello she's gonna say hello then he's gonna say can I tell you something she'll say okay and then he'll say yeah and then she'll die and then everyone will read that news story and be like that guy took that joke a little far oh I saw a cab today it had a sign on it that said there's nothing of value in this car and then there was a man inside and he looked very sad cuz I'm worthless I couldn't afford it but I wasn't this ten-day vacation with my adopted dad and it was ten days but no alone time at all so by day 3 of the trip I end up having to try to wank off with my dad asleep in the hotel bed beside me no but that's not the worst part the worst part was the whole time I'm doing it I had to stare at my dad and just imagine it from his perspective if he woke up what a harsh reality Jack that would be on his holiday like he go from dreaming think of some beautiful girl he saw on the street to wake up to his own sons just wanking awful staring at a noise asleep pretending that mole on his bald heads a weird nipple on an ugly tit never getting able to look him in the eyes I know one nightstand a couple months ago and during sex this girl really scratched my back like she dug her nails in and then afterward she called a cab and I'm waiting outside for the cab with her and she's like you don't have to wait for the cab with me I'm like yes I do she's like why like cuz look if you get kidnapped and murdered my DNA is under your fingernails and I don't seem like the kind of guy that wouldn't kill a chick well that's it for me you guys been amazing I'm Bobby Merrick good night

Channel: Avalon Comedy

Views: 20,174

Keywords: Russell Howard's Good News (TV Program), Bobby Mair, Edinburgh Festival Fringe (Film Festival), Edinburgh Festival (Recurring Event), Comedy (Film Genre), Comedian (Profession), Stand-up Comedy (TV Genre), Canada (Country), live comedy

Id: KINmJcmZJP0

Length: 13min 47sec (827 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 15 2014