Mark Cooper-Jones | Russell Howard's Good News | FULL CLIP

hello i'm mark i'd like to start by clearing up that that is mark with a k not marked with a c you see marks with a c lack the solid dependability that the k offers there's no debate with a k it's a curse sound with a c you have to decide is the k or an s sound is it insect or incest of course in the case of the cornish type beetle there's little difference is it silly bang or killer bang chit chat this is the thought of ambiguity marks with a c you have to live with every day now my second name is cooper jones which does begin with a c but if you were unsure of how to pronounce this particular c you may end up calling me mark super jones which is in nowhere an issue for me whilst we're all my name i'd like to tell you a quick story hello i'm mark is possibly one of the simplest things you'll ever hear now i was introduced to somebody recently who said his name was gavin so i said hello i'm mark and he said bark now mark is a fairly common name i'm sure many of you know mark or if you don't you're at least oh fae with the name mark but gavin somehow thought it'd make far more sense if i'd been named after the outer layer of a tree of course he may not have misheard me at all he could simply have been giving me an order although it's not something you'd expect to be asked to do on being introduced to somebody hello i'm mark bark no so i can tell that just by looking at me a lot of you presume i was educated at some kind of a posh all boys private boarding school where buggery was commonplace you were forced to join the cadets but actually i managed to get out of the cadets after a year when i wasn't at boarding school i grew up in lincolnshire the second largest county in the uk and very few people know where it is it is so boring so little happens there the wikipedia describes its drainage system as fascinating then i went to university where i studied geography and i soon realized studying geography there was only really one career path available to me and that was teaching you see learning geography leads to teaching geography the only reason people teach it is to create more geography teachers it's like a sick self-fulfilling prophecy and nobody here is allowed heckle colouring in because the correct term is in fact shading but there's this stereotype about geography teachers that they're often in the school to do something besides just teaching geography people assume that because your subject is broad that your skill set is equally broad so when i got asked a couple of weeks before the end of last term to go down to the junior school and dress up as shakespeare for the day i thought to myself i finally earned the respect of my department i had to talk to some six-year-olds which can be quite intimidating because they're very curious but i had a script i had to learn and it began like this hello i'm william shakespeare and i was born in 1564 in stratford-upon-avon my father john was an alderman at this point the first hand went up what's an alderman good question and alderman is what my father was the teacher who was accompanying them then chipped in at this point and said an alderman is actually someone who's quite respected in the town shakespeare's authority has now been undermined by a primary school teacher ladies and gents i managed to get back on track and later on i got another difficult question how many plays did you write 40. i answered confidently and i even followed it up with because i wanted it to be a round number a primary school teacher was accompanying them again chipped in and said it was actually 37. i congratulated myself on getting that close but i wasn't going to be undermined a second time so i said no it was 40. you just haven't found three of them yet but i love geography i really love the subject you get to use lots of great geographical words my favorite geographical word is orogeny start with an o orogeny it means the forming of mountains but you have to use that voice orogeny we all tried on three one two three oh that is phil the problem with geography is it's not that impressive a subject is it's not perceived as impressive if you're at a party it's very hard to impress people by say listing all of the u.s states in alphabetical order in under 20 seconds for example alabama alaska arizona arkansas california colorado connecticut delaware florida georgia hawaii idaho illinois in dana iowa kansas kentucky louisiana maine maryland massachusetts michigan minnesota mississippi missouri montana nevada nebraska new hampshire new jersey new mexico north north carolina north dakota ohio oklahoma oregon pennsylvania rhode island south carolina south dakota tennessee texas tutorial virginia washington west virginia wisconsin wyoming it's just not that impressive that says 18.00 that is a new personal best with which i am delighted can all the single people in please raise their hands for me i'm not keep your hands up i did see you also i'm actually in a lovely relationship i've actually got a girlfriend who loves me quite a lot you single people should try just get in a relationship really enjoy it hands up just all the hands up that we're up we're one of those couples who really sort of have it all love joy happiness well the sort of couple you really enjoy spending time with particularly if you're single because we sort of show you just how good your life could be with this in mind we like to invite all our single friends around for dinner one at a time as often as we can there are some disadvantages to having a girlfriend for example when they dislocate your jaw what happened is because i'm quite a lot of fun in the bedroom i was trying to eat her face okay not in like a snocking way in a your face is now a meal so we were just fooling around fun mark was really starting to hit his stride if anything he was too much fun in the bedroom because his jaw locked open now this being a fairly serious problem the immediate reaction of those around you is to laugh in your face especially if those around you were just having their faces eaten by the victim of the dislocation and there's only really one thing you can do in this situation ladies and gents and that's to go to hospital now the waiting room in a e is never a fun place to be at the best of times but when do you look like this there's only so long you could pretend it's just a big yawn so that's one of the big disadvantages to having a girlfriend but in general it's great being loved isn't it i think deep down what we all really want is to be loved when i sign off an email love mark that is an order and one day whether with my current girlfriend or a future one i would like to have kids and i think having kids will be amazing because you can essentially just make more people who love you but i don't have any kids of my own at the moment i'd obviously work with children as a teacher i'd like to start with your nines you're nines it's 13 to 14. this is by far the most pubic year and without doubt the least pleasant to teach and in one particular class there is one particular child who the staff refer to only a smelly jonathan i don't have to read his name out when i do the register it simply goes harry james michael is michael here no sir he was sitting next to jonathan in maths and now he's being sick in a drain the boy smells revolting but recently i thought i would do the responsible thing thought i'd have a quiet word with him but talking to a 14 year old boy about the fact he needs to change his hygiene rituals because it's akin to having a three day old corpse in your class it's a difficult conversation to have so i kept it geographical i said jonathan what's the principal center at the unity authority of north east somerset bath go home have one never enter my classroom again i did a training here obviously i did a pgce year you get put in some quite tough schools on your training year mine were no exception in southeast london they were very difficult schools a lot of the kids had challenging behavior but you have to understand that a lot of them need difficult home lives however i can never understand why you would eat a worksheet you had been given and then have the audacity to say the words i finished my work sir my teaching career began with a reception class in a primary school as a teaching assistant they're aged four to five years old it was loads of fun they have so much energy there is nothing funnier than a fat child so i began in primary school and yes i did have a favorite his name was peter his best line of written work read an egg is cold like the sun possibly the worst analogy i've ever encountered i put on a wall display but there was another occasion when the class were all changing for pe okay always a nightmare the number of five-year-olds who cannot pull down their shorts without their pants needs to be addressed by parents and the girl next to peter had accidentally done this she'd pulled everything down and peter's reaction was very sweet he simply went no lovely show when i came to leave the school peter was a bit upset that i was leaving and i got a bit upset that he was upset until that is ladies and gents he gave me this as a leaving present now never mind the fact that mark is spelt not only with a c but with a you never mind the strange picture of a pink bunny about to commit suicide off the top of this house we can even ignore the disproportionate size of the tree trunk the picture is of a girl the skirt could have been accidental but the high heels could not makes me think our entire friendship was based on a monumental misunderstanding on peter's part ladies and gents that is all for me i'll be mark cooper jones you have been absolutely lovely thank you very much

Channel: Avalon Comedy

Views: 230,516

Keywords: Good, Russell Howard's Good News (TV Program), Entertainment, mark cooper-jones, mark, cooper, jones, live comedy, Edinburgh Festival Fringe (Film Festival), Edinburgh Festival (Recurring Event), Comedy (Film Genre), Comedian (Profession), Stand-up Comedy (TV Genre)

Id: tXUXnIyJGnk

Length: 13min 55sec (835 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 15 2014

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