Birds: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (Web Exclusive)

[Music] hello there I'm John Oliver host of last week tonight HBO's highest budget show which which is a surprise until you learn that everything you see including me is entirely computer-generated and come on how did you not figure that out my face is textbook uncanny valley none of this makes sense we are still on hiatus this week but I wanted to briefly return to speak about a very important topic birds or as I call them cat feeders birds are symbols of love wisdom and of course human trafficking and and as the weather cools down birds are going to start their seasonal migration where which is of course when they travel to warmer climates in order to feed grow and attract a mate it's their version of Eat Pray Love accept birds are too dumb to realize that everything they needed was inside them the whole time but before the migration begins I have a brief message for the birds of the Northeast as they begin their journey southward are you listening birds here goes q birds q I hope you never come back to me every single bird is just a shitty sequel to the dinosaurs and we'd be better off without you and yes I'm talking to you geese you look like ducks that play football in high school and never stopped going to the gym and you know what you're not off the hook either parrots Oh what I'm supposed to like parrots just because they can talk basically every human being talks and I hate most of them and while I'm at it ostriches you can go straight to hell your first raft flamingos you look like a giant ball of lint trying to upshift out a huge leathery snake oh oh and then there are penguins yeah you guys are actually fine I got no problem with you penguins no problem but I'll tell you what you get a Park lifetime pass for you penguins but you know what you swans and pelicans you both look like monsters from a fish's nightmare that came to life and as for hummingbirds you just obese bees in need of a nose job and you know what you know what actually ostriches come back I'm not done with you yet your eggs are too big and and you look like piñatas filled with grocery coupons and drives meats just fly the away from me oh I'm sorry you can't your failures are the one thing birds are known for now as for the rest of you the rest of you birds I hope all you disgusting sky mice enjoy your tropical getaways while the rest of us face the frigid torment of winter and I hope each and every one of you flies into a wind turbine on your way north next spring yeah oh ho skew Birds we are back on HBO September 25th until then goodbye you can fly away [Applause]

Channel: LastWeekTonight

Views: 4,373,377

Keywords: last week tonight with john oliver, john oliver, last week tonight, birds, message to birds, john oliver birds

Id: 8l2Y6Z-maAU

Length: 3min 14sec (194 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 11 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/tom07140]

Birdy fact funny man strikes again

[u/zikamatej]

Wtf did I just watch

[u/ChillaryHinton]

Not a single word of hatred for seagulls? Oliver clearly showing that he's an HBO corporate shill with that.

[u/sadethnicchild]

I actually really liked this one, and outright lost it at "You know what, ostriches, come back--I'm not done with you yet!"

[u/ChrisDuhFir]

John would like this album

[u/nthensome]

I really have to disagree with Oliver on this one.

Penguins are terrible people and should be the object of our scorn and ridicule.

[u/LegoK9]

Congrats on acknowledging that birds are dinosaurs, but I have to retract the congrats because Pterosaurs are not dinosaurs! Get your shit together unpaid graphic intern! Boy I hope someone got fired for that blunder...

[u/giltwist]

You may want to put a few more birds on your lifetime pass list, John. Here's my top three recommendations:

• The shoebill stork is pissed
• The hooded pitohui has claws laced with neurotoxin
• The cassowary is ready to kick some ass

[u/rosephoto]

I have to say that while I usually find Oliver hilarious, this one completely mystifies me. Maybe because I'm a bird lover. By the way John, have you seen Puffins? I think you might give them a break also.