Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 5

[Music] I'll go even one further with the neat sweet [ __ ] yeah that looks exquisite it's it's so beautiful is it's a form of meditation I believe it is and there's no way I'm gonna be able to like like with drinking I think I might be done done damnit what what I mean how can you put such such finite definitions on things I cut suit I can't behave the way I behaved before I had a kid my my kids I'm gonna normalize being a [ __ ] [ __ ] it's so this is my thing with my kid I'm not gonna ever act like I didn't do this [ __ ] I mean God it's all documented that I did but I don't I I just it's just like I have a job right now and I I am like it's not about me so funny men we approach fatherhood very very differently I was like hey guys welcome to my world I wasn't gonna like hey guys let's figure out what world you're gonna figure out then I'll perform to that what I'm doing yeah but nobody was I know I'm not like hey I'm gonna show you this [ __ ] deviant world before you even know your ABCs like I'm not doing that I was downstairs watching me TV legally not even hey shit-faced watching Peter Gunn dananana down he's watching these [ __ ] guys all smoking and drinking and I was just sitting in I've just sitting there down there going yeah me grave I could get one of that Michael Jordan level smoke eater that he had it oh we talked about that for a while yeah and just sit there smoking cigars drinking bourbon watching me TV while everybody's asleep and it's just like you know it just became that so that's kind of like that's why I just sort of I had to just you know but forever you think he goes oh I think my kid turns 21 and she's a when I have a drink I'll be all right let's do it and then she'll see I'm fired up she walks into your mouth into your wife and married him too much ice in this what was the closest she wanted to have it having to having a drink well you were like on the edge you're like I can't do it a kid it happens the other night we went into this burger joint and there was somebody who had like you know it almost looks like a fraternity panel and there's all the different types of my ears yeah and I was just like man that right there but then I looked at the kid he was like in his 20s no wedding ring it's like yeah that's what the [ __ ] he's supposed to be doing yeah but I'm not supposed to be sitting there with my wife and kids there they're there then [ __ ] they throw me in the hatchback and drive me home because that's the thing like I like yeah like if we're doing it we're doing it so I just know that about myself so my kids now sucks perhaps well we'll say they've never seen me drunk that's good they just but that's why I drink I don't if I have a drink even if I drink a lot you can't really tell I've been drinking but if my wife drinks it is they are like mom's wasted and I'm like and she's I'd like do glasses of wine yeah I don't think that's a good thing for your kids to see my wife drinking just your parents that you cannot see a parent shit-faced until they're at your wedding no but that's I think that a healthy child or at their wedding I mean a healthy childhood is every now and that my wife's probably hadn't been drunk around the maybe we now again dad goes facedown in his [ __ ] soup every once in a while just goes plate full of pots I never get that best I get that bad I'll get that bad on the road but I would not like around my kids it'll be the most I've had around them is like a bottle of wine I have this weird thing that if somebody you know some of you got me a bottle of booze yeah I would look at it like a challenge like I could finish that in three nights third a third and a third I don't know why I looked at it that way really I'll do it I got into those [ __ ] I bought those those [ __ ] ice cube trays and so you had the big ice oh there's nothing better than over preparing for an evening of drinking yeah the cup with the cigar holder in it the who I had I have these glasses this guy made him down an El Segundo a glass blower right okay these glasses what you saw there through a heaviest [ __ ] so it was a glass and then it looked like there was an ice cube in it but it was all made out of glass so then you freeze the [ __ ] out of that so you pour it in and now your liquor was all surrounded by ice-cold glass so now there was no nothing watering it down so you just got it this you got a straight [ __ ] it was like a chilled Jager but it was like top end booze that's where I took it to because what happened was I used to go out to bars right and I never had booze at home yeah and then you know you do a couple of little [ __ ] a little skittles on TV then it's just like you got drunks hanging on ESL's like the [ __ ] it sucked and and then at the same time my tolerance went up so I was just like I was like I know I'll have the booze at home then no one will bug me no one will ever shut me off now I'm the bartender no standing in line no having to be like hey honey you know yeah you're pretty get his attention because they would never pick they just the bartender's never saw me look right through me I heard problematic at a bar they're trying to get laid they're dealing with the [ __ ] hot chicks I get it no but you are the stereotype of what the problem was in Boston redheads out but like no the stereotype of what they've seen a lot of I never had a bar fight in my life no no but what they've seen a lot of they've seen the Irish guy like hey bartender and he's like a [ __ ] other buddies right yeah right you know I can't argue that so yeah and then I made the mistake and then I got a humidor and then I had cigars at home and like I'm sort of a big believer in like if you're gonna do something deviant you should have to be able do you have to go out to go do it because at my age it becomes like I'd love to do that but I I'm not gonna [ __ ] get my car drive down the [ __ ] Street then it becomes a better thing but like when people know you smoked cigars they're just always giving them to you oh you can't throw them out and then like my humidor was [ __ ] empty and then we had a Christmas party and I got two boxes cigars and it's like 20 cigars fills right back up again the next thing you know every night I'm [ __ ] out there like Castro or something I was just like so that's why I love I love six o'clock 6:30 making dinner you like killing me right now why I want to live with you oh it's the best I love I look at every day as a party I look at every day as something big should happen last night I said hey not like an old sassy white woman I look at every day like it's a party okay and when I show up people know that I'm gonna be a hoot what do you do at your parties oh I'm having a party tonight I'm throwing a party tonight I'm throwing a party Saturday night there's Chinese New Year's I'm throwing a party Saturday night I love parties I love everyone getting together I love packing for vacation I love getting on the plane for vacation I like the day you get there I have such intense depression leaving Hawaii or leaving of coming home from a vacation or were the exact [ __ ] opposite for Riedl I swear to god dude I know I love I love a staycation I love not going to the airport I love her dude everybody want everybody comes here there's some of the sickest [ __ ] hotels ever out here and you just get in your car no stress hey you want to stop and get something to eat there's no stress you just drive to the [ __ ] hotel yes my youngest daughter Isla and I were in the car this palm trees right outside your [ __ ] house dude I know I don't know what you fly you know wait a [ __ ] why is the greatest place in the entire world it's the greatest place in the entire world I didn't believe it the first time we did a little sassy head thing back in fact I totally believe it dude why is the greatest things all right guys I love Hawaii I love Hawaii probably more than anywhere in the world I could say what happened last time I went away what do you had the greatest time of your life they give you a leg and they said hey I don't know why I maybe I just watched The Big Lebowski but I it was morning and I started drinking White Russians and I was bill this sounds so awesome already I was I was on my wife wanting to go down the beach because she has pig so I [ __ ] I I and I'm like I don't wanna [ __ ] going out on the beach so they had some bar out there you know with the Gilligan's Island little hut [ __ ] thing totally for the tourists [ __ ] great bartender with a ton of personality not really so I go no I get me so excited I go I know this is weird I know it's only 10:00 in the morning but I would love a white Russian dude one of the dumbest things you can have a get shit-faced on a something that has dairy in it oh I just started [ __ ] drinking these things and that was his back when I was eating like an [ __ ] so like you know I was kind of addicted to sugar so these things tasted right that my body was like this is what you need they're so [ __ ] I might have White Russians tonight they're insane do the best they are [ __ ] dude hold on let me put a milkshake and getting shit-faced all at the same time you know what I used to do I'm gonna put a pin in this do you know what I used to do with clubs on Sunday nights Sunday nights always a rough night for comedy you're packed during the day you watch football you're going you're gonna miss a game do a show I used to say on Sunday nights I get on stage I go let's see if we can outdrink the white Russians drink all the white Russians that this club has everyone just order white Russians and everyone would have white Russians the club must've loved you they're like this is about one of the most expensive drinks we have well you're making a killing for us it's has to rehab the reason I toured was that I would come in on Sundays and sell white Russians through the [ __ ] I'd have [ __ ] four onstage people will be having nine white people fart like crazy dude murder white russians murder them keep going okay I love that you're hi this is maybe my best over forever bird so my wife is like just taking in the Sun she's frolicking in the surf and I am up at this [ __ ] Gilligan's Island by I am [ __ ] crushing White Russians I had like four of them and she [ __ ] comes out Freddie goes oh yeah Reagan how many do you have it was like Warren she just starts laughing so now they're in me so now it's like sugar right so I want to keep going so we go to the airport and I find a place and he's [ __ ] making him and I had like another [ __ ] I think I had like like a total of like seven or nine before I got on the plane I was so [ __ ] hammered I text I got a group text going with Ian bagg to start a [ __ ] what's that what's that what's that [ __ ] game when you slide on the ice in Canada and you let go of the thing curling curling yeah he wanted to do it and I just said [ __ ] it let's do it that would be I was just feeling all [ __ ] drunken let's get together and so Ian got all excited and I think was bardic me and in parties like yeah [ __ ] I'll do it I got to all of this excitement going blind drunk couldn't remember doing this I got I still feel like every time I see you and I try to apologize for that that and I [ __ ] and then I got on the plane dude and I [ __ ] passed out so hard but and half No halfway through that flight dude I woke up with like us I got 9 White Russian hangover milk dude it was like III think I drank for like maybe four days o gonna be a big number of rows like it was one of the worst hangers I ever had I felt like I drank like I don't like antifreeze or something it wasn't right I love White Russians I you too but not 9 9 9 s a lot I could have - I just got in - I just got back into bloody marys I couldn't do Bloody Marys it gave me heartburn and then I was golfing with my dad dude let's do worst experience like drinks you had like the worst experience drinks number one without a doubt for me is Southern Comfort Southern Comfort there was this thing called it's called a southern sunrise right so it's it's like a tequila sunrise but made with Southern Comfort I'm not good to drink everything straight so what's a tequila sunrise kill sunrise is like orange juice cranberry juice again in tequila I think it's reckless juice yeah tonight at a party in college someone says who is bad 80s action movie it's so good it was so good I got I remember at one point saying I can't even taste the alcohol that's bad it's really that's the first thing baby next you know I am I mean I'm spinning I'm spinning so hard that I'm holding on to a fight where I'm in on a fat a fire like in front of a fire and I'm holding on going I just want to fall back in the fire and I I am so [ __ ] Oh God Oh I've I've never been like that isn't a grown up but man that southern sunrise oh I mean I was like I was so funny too like I remember everything I came out was like a like everything you guys want to buy a boat then all of a sudden it changed I don't feel good and everyone's like oh I think they caught up to him and everyone else had seen this train going off the [ __ ] rails who punched yourself out I've never had southern comfort since wow I didn't have rum and cokes I didn't have rum for [ __ ] from 1987 holy untilled 2004 I didn't have it for 17 years really yeah cuz I went down we used to drink in this industrial park like outside you go all the way down into like the woods and these two chicks showed up when they had rum and coke and I I was a beer drinker and I didn't know how to drink I didn't know that hard stuff who just sort of sipped and like you know half a shot of that was like drinking a beer and a half or something so I was just throwing these [ __ ] things down and I had to drive down from Boston down to North Carolina the next day with my brother and my brother goes don't go out and get [ __ ] hammered you got to do half this Drive and dude I came home [ __ ] blind drunk I [ __ ] puked off the side of the car and I [ __ ] passed out I didn't wake up until Virginia and I woke up no dude I had like I don't know he just driving an old car and it had like you know the fumes from the gas that we just want to I was just like I didn't [ __ ] with that [ __ ] for yeah 87 to 2004 and I was doing a weekend at hilarities and and it was at one of those weird weekends where New Year's was Wednesday so then New Year's Day we just had off yeah and then I had to finish out the weekend so Jason law had and all those guys were still working there and they took me out and we started drinking rum and cokes and once again I got totally [ __ ] up I got they they lost me mmm that was a big thing we lost the headliner we don't know where I was in some [ __ ] titty bar it was one of those weird titty bars that was like a full bar and they had a full menu could I eat a grilled cheese sandwich and then though some girl with like a titties out there called Christie's I don't do it I don't remember one of the best city bars in the entire world is in Cleveland called Christie's they had now they have locals there oh [ __ ] yes this is the way to get you in whatever titty bar is like local talent oh I need to hear the accent of the place that I'm at if I can hear the accent I [ __ ] love it I remember I got a lap dance in Christie's and I actually told the girl to stop I go I think I'm cheating on my wife in its lap dance and she was like huh I go you need to stop I'm gonna go back to my friends yeah you've still got I haven't been to a titty bar like I've been recently a few times because I I never had gone with money and I'm not saying like like but like I always went when when you were a kid and you were like like 100 baht dollars was a lot of money like $200 was like a [ __ ] dick load of money okay now you come in his Travel Channel's milk right sure the last time I went to a strip club I went with a bunch of this big showrunner his son and his all his friends were living in New Orleans and they came to my show and they were really impressed like they've never been to a theater show they'd never seen comedy like this this guy's dad's one of the biggest showrunners in Hollywood and I texted his dad he's like I take him out to a strip club and I was like yeah and so I went and I in the lap dancers were like 20 bucks and I was like there was like a bunch guy go here's 200 bucks ladies take care of the guys and all the girls just hung out with them and like sat on their laps and 200 bucks wasn't a ton of money for me and I went oh this is [ __ ] fun like to make to make sure everyone's having a good time I didn't get any lap dances I just drank and talked and these kids were like college kids are like dude this is the most amazing night of my life and you're like like 20 bucks I gave you 20 bucks it was so much [ __ ] fun to be the to be the human Haffner of the club as opposed to the degenerate is like one more lap dance can you want for 15 you know I used to go to this one with a couple buddies of mine literally just to drink because it was a cool place to drink and we would stay up at the bar we'd stay at the bar when the women would come out we go over and we just put money on the table then we would just go back up when we would can argue sports and everything it was [ __ ] we just called board meetings so we would go there how great is this well because we could run we would go there and no one would bug us yeah that's what we do so this is like you know I don't know like seven eight years ago and we would go over there and we would just we would hang up at the bar or whatever and we would literally just sit there and tell stories about doing stand-up and laughing but we always made sure that we took care of the women that whatever gave me money but when we go back to the bar so it was like and that that was actually that was a fun one because that one was just topless and I always found that that was there's that one's more like a party whereas full-nude was always just like serial killer creepy [ __ ] whatever but like the top was one that was actually a fun one but like last lap dance I got was very recent at the end of this last tour we did for the for the body shots tour my my bus driver is a big strip club guy and he wanted to a strip club really bad how old is he my age rod black dude the funniest guy in the [ __ ] world I love being around him he makes me giggle I don't get like it cause it's such a jerk off it's like you're not getting laid but it's for what not sit not so light a point not to speak not just this is gonna I mean just I don't think I'll say it but for black dudes boner strip club is a different experience it's like it's like for him it was like a [ __ ] night out it was like this way Atlanta it's like a party yeah like the black club was a party yeah the way I remember this chick down I said yes she goes yeah white clubs man that's like creepy and [ __ ] man yeah yeah I don't know what kind of creepy we went in I took out a thousand bucks and I said I just gave it I said passed around all the guys were with all my openers with us guy from Australia was with us a very funny comedian you really bothered burnout I gave everyone money and I said I want everyone have a great time it was it was the end of the tour the last night of the tour so I said we took him out I could take care of all the drinks gave everyone money and at the end of the night this girl comes up Oh bill I had the best lap dance I've ever had in my life I got when I walked in i knew that the owner of the club had been at my show right that's how we got back there what was it you didn't get any makeup on your pants no - best lap dance that I've ever had in my life so the first one is I go in and it girls leaving and she goes on like a huge fan and I went oh thanks I chanced reakless she was she's a say give you a lap dance because of your credit she's in street clothes and I say to her she goes I wish I had known you were coming in I would have just worked longer and I was like she was like well ok it was great meeting you and I said can I can I just say something I said one of the lap dances I've always wanted is a person in street clothes to give me a lap dance like jeans and shoes shoes or socks with a coat on truiy just hundred percent because it's what it's what I want it's like what you want your wife to do is to come home and give you know what I mean it's like a regular person do it as opposed to oh so she says so she goes really and I said I'll tell you what before you I go here let's get a lot I'll get I'd love to get a lap dance from you but I want to see you take off your street clothes she was like ok and she like goes in and she like like sits down and takes off she's like she had the mark from her belt let her stop it was the greatest [ __ ] lap dance that was there and then I was like that's the only one I'll get I just wanted to do it for fun right I gave the I over tip the girl and then the end of the night there's the one girl comes up to me and she goes can I give you a dance and she hadn't been getting a lot of dances at night and I felt bad and I said yes she says she go back to the thing and I Charlie Brown Christmas tree I said so I don't know anything about the rules I got just you know like I'm I'm pretty like I'm pretty I'm married I'm not gonna touch you or anything she goes oh that's the worst when he's trying to be the you know I don't usually go he's my friends wanted to go no I was trying to be like kind to go like I'm not a dog I'm not gonna be [ __ ] groping you you were he's a creep with the heart of gold she said oh no no no the managers told me who you are and I went what do you mean she said they said you can do anything and I said anything she does anything I mean there's no rules for you and I went cool and I face time my buddy cow head in Tampa DJ Mike Kalpa I FaceTime I go can he watch Celtic he didn't answer the phone I go I'm out I'm done the only fun would be to be in a strip club and FaceTime your friend to be like hey let him get a lap dance at 2:00 in the morning is time oh I know I wouldn't go to a [ __ ] strip club and have [ __ ] White Russians yeah I'm just not yeah and you're just saying never again what goodbye I mean I'm a creep I'm 61 years old shake it up I'm just gonna keep it young stay young at heart I do it I go and I got somebody's daughter they don't know their dad did you just I'm not saying it look I'm not say I'm a good person but this is just you know I don't know but we're different men in the fact I remember when I remember telling you one time that I had lied to my daughters until they were 13 and 11 about Santa and you're like what the [ __ ] no it's the level that you took it was I took it hard wait like video and you dressed up like I'd like to like like the level of lying that that was like it's so much fun it was so much Oprah Winfrey should have interviewed you after that dude being Santa Claus you and Lance Armstrong and then Bert crash I want you to see the look on my daughter's face by the way hold on one second I just found this video the other day look at this video of my daughter ready this is my daughter seeing that Santa had left a trampoline okay this is Georgia look at her face oh yeah Santa left her a terribly yeah you can do that you know the radis I miss you so much oh that video I'm gonna get the copy of that video and give it to you and you can play it inside this it is the it is the best I've best editing work I've ever done they put the GoPro off you did it with a lot they put the GoPro up to catch Santa with a [ __ ] 16 gigabyte card oh my ladies really running all night we don't under 28 gigabytes and they're like what I was like don't worry I'm gonna plug it in to the wall I'm gonna put the gigabyte we got it covered and they're like really now I'm on their team we're all on the same team they go to bed we all go to bed let it normal right runs well that runs like an hour and then I come in and I just spliced that part of me walking in it the dog stayed the same the cat stayed the same everything was identical I just pulled it out and I got under the I got under the mantle and I jumped down with a bell in my hand I had a bell on my hand and a white glove on and a flashlight I jumped down and I flipped the flashlight around and then I took the flashlight up to the GoPro and the glove I'm in like a burger turns the GoPro around and I walked around I started messing with presents right then I played it for them Christmas night they're like we should check the GoPro my dad's there my families are I was like let's check it my dad's looking at me like the [ __ ] he gonna check the GoPro for I go dead we've tried to catch Santa last night and he was like do you think you got like my dad's oh you think you got him and I was like I don't know let's check the footage and he's like ladies you're not gonna see anything like I hate to break dude they're getting older now and he's like guys I hate to break it to you but listen girls I think now would be a good time and then you hear my dad goes the [ __ ] is that and I go it's Santa and my girls are like oh my god oh my god the glove comes up and my dad looks at me he goes oh I think you're [ __ ] your children up said that write to me now and what what he goes you gotta tell him right now and I was like dad we got Santa we got footage of Santa oh my god so how did that play out when their friends found out and then they're like I have documented footage today and you have to be did you were sitting there like this when you were telling them well you just like listen daddy hasn't exactly been forthright Christmas confessional words hasn't been forthright yeah I've already like you your daughter's too young to even know what Santa is grouchy she gets it but she doesn't understand the impossibility of it one guy in a bag could somehow go all around the world and one night yeah it's it's yeah I'm already having like why am I doing this it's just cuz you just fun it is it's but who's it fun for it's fun for me okay you know what I used to do I used up my Uncle Pete would call you ready got him into Burt's world you ready for this in my comfortable but under Santa Claus it's a picture of him and everything it's my Uncle Pete I could call him right now and I go Santa he'll go oh he'd call I was like a conspiracy he'd call up every Christmas Eve all the families are there all the kids I love it you have a cell phone number I mean that's like beyond heaven like [ __ ] Brad Pitt's or some [ __ ] superstars number I get Santa Claus my wife would go into the kitchen right either that or my sister my sister we're going to the kitchen and I put my phone on the table and and I mean she'd called my Uncle Pete she had a list of all the kids names in the room and all the presents they wanted for Christmas she'd call my Uncle Pete so my Uncle Pete would be on one phone his daughter Laura would be on another phone in Tampa and she'd go all right go sanim a call phone pick up my daughter we go dad it's San I go we'll answer it and she'd pick it up I mean and my phone to this kitchen it's Georgia and he goes this Georgia she'd be like oh [ __ ] does he know and be like Georgia do you want a trampoline for Christmas that's exactly what I want you could recognize the uncles voice no he did you're perfect Santa voice and then we go if you audition all your aunts and uncles the Godfather this is the best one then he'd go is max from can in there and that's Ranma be like the [ __ ] he just said my name max Happy Hanukkah and he'd be like oh my god oh it was like it was next for all [ __ ] you mess with a little Jewish kid were they mad max rongkhun they mad the way max prompt Caen that's like you're forcing your [ __ ] religion and your pagan rituals on him I mean we're gonna have to run this by his dad Steven to make sure we can use his name max beat the name up max prompt Caen the first time we did it bill went like this right he's a very literal child very literal child max prompt Caen is back from cue in the room he's like Santa and he's like uh Happy Hanukkah max I understand you want a bow and arrow he was like looked at his daddy whose dad I need to talk to outside right now and he walked outside with his dad he goes you gotta tell me right now this is real cause if this is real we need to stop with this Jewish thing we need to really like what like like he really melted melted down even looked at amigos hey buddy it's it's his uncle but don't say anything because all the other kids and now he's got to carry oh my god part oh the best parent it was so much fun though to see the look on their eyes you know what you're like you like that one of those guys on American greed where it's just it just kept going but got the Ponzi's got to hear my own Santa Claus but now I won no no [ __ ] I call my uncle you got to hear his this is he's lawyers hey Pete good good hey real quick I'm with Bill burn I'm telling you him about when you used to play Santa can you just do the Santa voice one time for Bill yes and I'm here with Bill I'm here with Bill burr Santa it's bill it's bill he's a stand-up comedian and he really wants a new microphone new microphone [Laughter] Bill's been very nice he stopped drinking for a year now Fanta White Russian anything brown anything brown I love you bill torpedo thug you later so let me ask you this so you went this far with it yeah what was it like the day when the ponds East the feds show up [Laughter] your birdie made off at this point and they [ __ ] show up and you you have to you got to basically tell them that all of that [ __ ] to that level was a [ __ ] lie please don't start crying no no no Eila lost a tooth the girls were still sharing a room they had bunk beds baby they were both up here lianna and I had just come back from a party I lost a tooth I had a glass of wine we're putting the tooth under the pillow Isla wrote a note to the Tooth Fairy and George is reading a book George just got a book up here ila puts it under and eyelid just turns real quick-like face to face with me and Liana goes are you guys a tooth fairy and it just caught us off guard and you could see Georgia peek out from the book Georgia is 13 at the time peek out from the book like over the book and Leanne goes okay there's something we need to tell you Oh God and and she goes honey do you want to take this and I said yes mom and I are the Tooth Fairy and they went you know how do you guys yeah I thought you guys were in Georgia goes yeah yeah and by the way Georgia she can say what she wants she could tell she was like the Tooth Fairy and the Georgia stood at the book of she's a guy yeah I kind of I kind of got the idea it's [ __ ] uncomfortable and so the book goes back up in articles okay so what are we doing I'm still gonna leave you a present for losing the tooth and I'll put it under your pillow and you'll get in the morning and I look like I still get the present in the ends like yet you still get the present she's like okay put her in the pillow sit something goes hold on are you guys Santa Claus and I start [ __ ] melting I'm like okay now the book slowly drops again in George's eyes pop up over the book I go mom and I it's been the funnest experience of our lives to get the opportunity to get to be Santa for you I can't tell you how much fun it is and George's eyes widen like [ __ ] [ __ ] and the book drops and she's like and we're like mom and I were both Santa Claus and it was really fun and and and we don't want you we don't want you to lose the experience of Christmas but now what we'll do is you guys can help be Santa for teddy there's their cousin and we can and we'll show you how much fun it is to be Santa and George's like this and I go Georgia are you ok she goes like almost like like holding she goes no I I knew it we're like baby no I'm not for a while I'm not for a while and she was like are you okay so no I'm totally fine I'm doing fine we were like listen it's been a lot of fun being Santa and and then so we go you guys the best way you could have it's been a lot of fun it's been a black boy I go you get you guys we'll go to sleep and then we get you guys to the look on your face in the morning was just so much fun it's so pure to see your excitement so then they go okay and so we start to leave the room and all we hear is Isla go hey Georgia do you think there's a Easter Bunny to Italy I don't know like back in the room all right hold on we're also the Easter it's all been yet have all been in a pack of live life it's been dude it was the funnest thing about being a parent was being Santa Claus it was my favorite thing in the world to show shocked and be like huh you guys got a you guys got a fort for the yard I remember putting that forward together and my and by and in the middle of the night putting the fort together and and then having them having the fort and pissing and moaning about the for corn I had to put this fort together no one [ __ ] plays with it in the end and Georgie goes doe hold on dad Santa brought the fort and I went oh that's right Santa brought the fort yeah I forgot if you want if you want I will call your daughter for Chris I do not do I'm not going I'm not going neck deep in the lie dude you're gonna get a call Christmas Eve from me oh ho ho it's so much fun go there right now people are split because I think that every single guy looks at you going that is [ __ ] up but I think there's a lot of merry guys that go I we pushed it for them I think there's a lot of people out there that agree with me that's what you do what do you know no what do you think who do you think agrees more with who leave it in the car it's one of those things where like I think that your kids had a better Christmas than most kids oh they would have I mean we want range we would have rain dude like Santa's gifts were unwrapped our gifts were wrapped so Santa's gifts looked like [ __ ] fao schwarz like we we'd set it all up so if there was a train it was moving when they woke up and it was next no that's not really commendable that you loved your kids hate to deceive them that much oh my god I mean I'll get you the video of the Santa video and you'll see it and to see what my kids saw their [ __ ] mouth they were like I remember Georgie goes he's real and I was like oh yeah so so but are you bringing this level to the you know that the default cheer you just jacking it up higher there were times Liana and I would be out to eat Lee I would just go hey we gotta [ __ ] tell them and I was like I was like she's like Georgia is gonna be driving I mean she's like she got her period she should know there's no Santa Claus I don't get how kids that old can go I mean I I knew by the time I was six I knew when I was five I was 11 by the time my older brother found out oh because you were he was pissed cuz he's just like these [ __ ] people have been lying to me so he came to me because yeah this he's like there's no Santa Claus mom and dad they told me and then I was just I I thought it was cool like oh cool I know a big person thing Oh for real didn't bother maul broke my heart at all it broke your heart and you still did what you said that's interesting I broke my heart to find out there was no Santa I was like I was 11 years old it was Christmas Eve and I opened the front door over the front door and there were young 11 year old slingshot in his back pocket we got done whitewashing offense open the front door and all our prize was night time when all our presents were on the front door I was like holy [ __ ] presents my mom and dad were like God calm down calm down those like their unwrapped go through them right now my parents are like hold on buddy let's come back inside and I was like no our stuffs right off he didn't why didn't use it wait am I just a look on my parents face and they were like keep it quiet your sister doesn't know and I was like doesn't know yeah my sister doesn't know I guess well keep that a secret and I was like oh I was like so I get a [ __ ] Christmas word no Santa I found out the night before if I just kept my mouth shut I would have been like if you didn't look good I would I would I loved one more Christmas just one more drink nice your question how did this madness start why do we do this to kids I have no idea it feels like it's just a selfish thing that parents do it is selfish you just want to get the thing all excited like freaking out because you want to see I just think you just want to see a kind of joy that you don't have as an adult and feed off of it and be like I'm creating this but it's just like I I have a friend of mine heat right out of the gate just said yeah it's all [ __ ] and then do that you why because then you get some first grader that's like it's all [ __ ] man and like knowing what's that kid they tell you something tell you [ __ ] bastard something you let me tell you something but all your parents are all a bunch of [ __ ] liars there's no Santa Claus then Jefferson didn't himself just look at me yeah there's definitely a mic might yeah I went as far as to reach out to a further than this I tried to get a santa to show up at the house when they were getting towards the end where they weren't believing I was like I bet I could get a high end Santa to show up at the house and just be like alright guys there's no Santa and then he whoa whoa where are the non-believers oh [ __ ] guys I was wrong he's real I would love to be a part of that in someone's life this is what you should have done to get out of it what you should have done is I have a high end Santa slash stuntman they do him up like he's dead and he's in the Christmas tree I don't know he's in the chimney it upside down and then your kids see that Santa died in your chimney you have fake news that you create bring out the bunch of cameras on that it's on TV yeah so then you don't ever tell me doesn't exist cuz he died in your chimney and that's it guys we killed Santa and they'd be like oh gotta live with that and then you're like hey there's no Santa they're like oh thank god I thought we [ __ ] killed a guy no I would just go when he died he just died support for the bill bird podcast is brought to you by man saved who's the best in below the belt men's grooming there is in the business they just came out with the lawn mower 3.0 I had the 2.0 and I loved it I loved it so much I would yes take it to the balls to the face that's how great this is this thing I don't think it's bad hygienic I don't think it's about my balls I put them in my pubes this thing is out of the world bill first of all you slide this off this is the guard but this does not cut unlike like if you take liners and try to shave your 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this chapter starts with you having hair hims is helping guys be the best version of themselves I had a dream that Rogan got a wig and he was like what do you guys think and I was like yeah Rogan is too tough to not tell him it looks bad maybe like it looks great man looks be like Joe I love you and as a friend he'd just give you that [ __ ] alpha male like you'd be like you look amazing please do not give me that spinning heel kick to my template this is not snake oil pills or gas station counter supplements these are licensed approved physicians and FDA approved products to help you treat hair loss prescription solutions back by Sunrise contact hims was created a bot by a guy like myself that knows some conversations are better to have online than in person no awkward in-person doctor visits no meeting the lady at the front counter goes what are you here for no I hate long lines at a pharmacy these you're telling me I can do this online you do this online oh yeah I don't need to talk 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Santa the second she asked me the second she goes is this [ __ ] I'll be like yeah dude I'll tell you I'll tell you something I did even Mari I'll tell you something I did even worse than that it's some four little kids you're a bigger kid you get it when someday when you get older you understand this lie I mean how do you even get out of it I don't even [ __ ] understand it I don't know it's I mean everything about my daughter's future is bright lights to me as the stuff that I want to show her and see if she gets into it or whatever everything you know I totally got the old truck three in a tree I want it the fact that she's gonna know how to drive that and she was born in this century is gonna be [ __ ] coolers [ __ ] she her she's a lefty can already fire the ball all this stuff I'm teaching she knows how to swim the only thing in the future that I see awful is this [ __ ] [ __ ] and I'm only doing you sound a little bit like what was the movie of the the little girl who's raised in the woods by her father to be a hitman do you remember that movie what is it Hannah you sound like Hannah's father why she's gonna learn how to drive through me on a tree like all the things you idolize you guys she's a [ __ ] lefty she can throw my wife's gonna teach her all the girly stuff yeah but I don't wanted to have so many girls they don't do anything yeah they just they don't get exposed on how to do [ __ ] and then they get all dependent on a guy it's like now I know how to drive a [ __ ] stick go talk yourself yeah there's no second date you know she'll have confidence five treat a tree [ __ ] do I need you for speaking of Valentine's Day yeah there we go I am NOT in with you I think nothing too is you teach your kids how to break up with somebody whoa that a degree what is a hundred [ __ ] percent let's go listen it sucks but there's nothing [ __ ] worse than staying in it so you just teach them the all opening line the opening line how many girls would be broken up with no one get into this it's [ __ ] brutal ah how many I break up with more than have broken up with you yeah unfortunately Oh my opposite cheater no more girls when I broke up with I was really into cheating why I kind of miss it cheating was like the greatest thing ever 1 2 3 I don't like a half-dozen the captain I wasn't like a big like I didn't go down the road with a lot of people if I weren't into I didn't I didn't do that but I was on the road I did I did yeah I broke like 3 hearts that I still think about but once they get married then you kind of feel like alright I'm off the hook but like I still I still think sometimes like I'll just be thinking back in my phone I should just why I just wish I never met them I just wish they never met me is what I I think I broke up with probably one girl cheated on wait a minute you broke up with one yeah but cheated on everyone else oh and what they found out and it was like oh so you also you took the cow yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's why I agree with you honey wow man you want to talk about a [ __ ] rush of energy getting walked in on cheating on someone getting what there's like they shouldn't bottle that I've been walked in on yeah I got walked in on is that what it's called yeah oh so [ __ ] uncomfortable I mean it makes me gives me douche chills now just the look on her face introducing herself to the girl I'm with hi I'm doc I thought I'm Bert's girlfriend and the girls was like uh I've heard about you oh god I [ __ ] hmm that hurt I just [ __ ] that feeling I'm just going like I think I said she kill you know I said we had to have a conversation Oh oh that was rough that was rough I've been cheated on - oh yeah I think anybody who stayed out there as long as we I don't know oh yeah I've been on both sides walked in on I got walked in on it was a [ __ ] I will never forget that feeling there's no equivalent feeling my first girlfriend cheated on me really oh yeah big time big big time like how big just baked I [ __ ] your brother no no big enough that I wouldn't tell it on I wouldn't tell him on camera for real time big time wait big time and then I was just already had issues with women I meet her and I did and then that just was like what the it was just literally black is white up is down oh there's everything is [ __ ] and and then my anger all my childhood issues then caught up with me that's why I have such started so [ __ ] late you know what I mean and I just took me so long to get my act together was just like how'd you find out oh my god years later oh you didn't find out when it happened she broke up with you and then you found out later that she cheated on you yeah no I can't tell the story really yeah it's a great one though oh it's a [ __ ] I'll tell hints of it I why can't you tell it can you talk without using she's not a respect for the people that were involved that recently because I would tell stories yeah about the girl I the girls sleep of my best friend and I I got to this place where I was like I would say their names and like and I was like because I was like I don't do it and then I thought one day I was in the shower and I was like it's a real shitty thing to do is to like their they've gotten gone on with their lives but then someone might work with them here's me saying their name somewhere that's not yeah and also because I was like you know as much as the first one destroyed me like I heard a ton of people and I was a [ __ ] [ __ ] and like just like it's amazing the you don't understand what you're doing you just don't get what you're doing and how that's affecting [ __ ] people and I was so walled off like I should have been like literally tied to the side of a house like I should [ __ ] been allowed to interact with people for like a good 15 years of my life like I that's what I consider like your 20s and 30s you're just going out taking your childhood out on people and you don't even know you're doing it and then you're just walking around thinking that you know you're the victim and [ __ ] like that so that's uh that's the interesting thing yeah there's a bunch of [ __ ] that if I went if I went back if I have all this [ __ ] that I would redo I would redo all of my dating [ __ ] Oh over again I was and there was just so many people I would never meet you I would never talk to you I would never do you I would just completely stay away from you if I could just somehow do that all over and sometimes at Nick you know sometimes I don't know why you just sit there thinking about your past and amount of times I just going yeah I when I'm the last girlfriend I had I think she cheated on me there's I think technically there's one also did a guy get a couple of those and I'm like yeah I'm pretty sure that she I'm pretty sure and then I decided I remember I was living at that place across the street from the cellar and I was and I I was sitting in the room and I was obsessing about it like I couldn't I couldn't stop thinking about it this before cellphones right and so you just sit by the phone and hope they call you go out and do something and check your answering machine when you got home and I thought I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do I'm gonna do something I'm gonna I'm gonna make something and I'm going to take a break from women for a while I'm not gonna date anyone I won't let myself date anyone I won't put myself out there at all I'm just gonna focus on I'll stand up and I'm gonna build a loft today so I called my dad and I was like I was like can you buy me some wood so I can build a loft in here and my dad's like sure so we called a lumber place they delivered the lumber that night I stayed up all night smoking weed drinking building a loft that build a loft and when I got done that day I went on the treadmill got a glass of here I looked ugly building in love and I was like all right I did that today I go now let's do that with my career so that I'm in a place where people want to have sex with me as opposed to I want to have sex with them six months later I swear to God six months later um in in LA I had to deal with Will Smith I had forgotten about this girl I'm at a gas station at on Beverly and La Cienega and she calls me and says hey I'm in LA we should hang out I hadn't talked to her since I built that loft and I I was the greatest feeling and I went now I'm taking a break from everything she was like wait what do you mean I said I don't want to be like I'm cool I'll talk no hard feelings but like I just I don't want anything complicated in my life I'm in a really good spot I'm working and she goes no I heard you're doing a TV show and I said yeah and I'm so enjoy LA but it's gonna be by myself she was like oh you can't just hang out and I was like nope and I hung out hung up went back to Universal Sheridan like just was like I'm good I took that break [ __ ] me up because when I met Lee Anne I was still that guy that guy like I'm good I'm good because I had so much success in such a short period of time where I was like this is the plan is yeah if you're a bachelor you will succeed if you have nothing else someone says hey we need you in the Miami improv I'm good I'm up let's go like that mentality and I believe that mentality [ __ ] guys up if they stay there too long like you can if you get to a place I always say this to Ari because and I can say this about artx we're friends but like always been a bachelor for so long there's a hard time wrapping his head around giving in to people so like when you're a bachelor you just always write you're like well it's me tonight in my bed I've got this all right and so one of the one of the big things when you get married you learn how to compensate and go and self-correct and go oh maybe it's not all about me maybe you give in a lot quicker you bended the knee a lot quicker than a bachelor you want to stay if you want to keep it going it's a really interesting dynamic about men they wrote all these books about men of how to get laid how to get this you should we should there should be a book about how not to like I remember I've ever Gary vow to hurt people yeah how to break up with people this should be something for everybody they don't teach you how to do it like that's why I always started my podcasts always trying to say this is what you say listen we need to sit down and talk you sit down talk to say listen I'm not happy this relationship isn't working I don't want to be it and you just get it out you just say it how are you gonna say that and then it's gonna suck for another two to six hours what don't get talked back into it just hold your ground you're out yeah stay out the second you say it you're out yeah this is by the way this should be a manual for every 18-year old guy and girl watching yes is sell the words take that band-aid off and once you do it do not go back don't go back and you are out and then and then if you then don't get back into it this is what everything I wish somebody told me how to get out and then how not to go you know get dragged back into an old relationship and then how not to immediately go into another one and just my biggest mistake and just [ __ ] live your life and do what the [ __ ] it is you want to do and stay out of those things until you meet somebody that you actually you know like you're not doing it for the wrong reasons like oh my god I can't believe this person likes me like they like I like you because you actually like me like I don't like myself I mean dumb reason right I'm gonna [ __ ] I'm lonely this is convenient you know well nobody else has given me a shot all these think you don't even think about but that's like literally [ __ ] reasons you'll waste six months a year and then you're like what you knew from the very beginning then say you're later then you end up hurting somebody it's [ __ ] terrible if I if I could just go back and not do any all of that [ __ ] I broke up with a girl one the only girl I can say I broke up with I broke up with her and the one lesson I will say is if you take him out to eat break up with them towards the end of the dinner I broke up with her before we had ordered drinks and it was dinner of my [ __ ] life god bless her for still sitting there i sat there we sat down and I said it's a whi this is crazy what's going on and I went I'm not happy I don't want to date anymore this is over and she went wait hold on and they came up in here can I get you something to drink and as soon as I heard that I went I should have gotten a drink first I should have gotten a little more I should have waited till mid meal to breath or two I don't understand taking somebody out to drink tea break up with them I took her on to dinner - dinner - break it was dinner I could have done it over the phone I could have done it you got to do it you do it over the phone or mouth face to face you sit down you sit down give me the perfect scenario say say that say that say meet al Madrigal had the best one al Madrigal when he would be in something long enough where the woman that would have stuff over at his house he would pack up all her [ __ ] we need to talk he'd go over to our house with the [ __ ] with the [ __ ] oh my god hand it to her [Music] he's got a white bass Matsudo what was great was wiping Prince offered doorknob he weighs over what was great what was used because then what happens is like you know just how women want to discuss all the feelings of it is you just have that one talk and it's done if you have if you break up with them and then they have stuff at your house then they have to or your apartment they have to then go and get the [ __ ] yeah I mean it's just for men and women I'm not sure I'm just saying it from a guy's point of view just get the [ __ ] get it over there and then it is [ __ ] done didn't you used to have a bit about this no didn't I wouldn't cook had one about about van the van what was the bit of you didn't know how to get out of it you know it was a breakup service yeah and a van would pull up and you just go in it and they drive away and then a guy come up with an earpiece just but yeah listen it's over yes man he's in the van they can't really just pack through this [ __ ] he did he just step into a van he was to find kind of like you know the breaking bad episode you know celebrating good well Danes I'm saying Danes pick foreshadowed the breaking bad episode were like when you work to get your new identity this I don't was a fan a guy would just pull up in a car and you just got in and then you were just gone and you had your new identity and you just took you somewhere and it was over yeah I mean that is a do you think anybody's ever done that if there's actually really a service like that someone who was just unhappily married nowadays I don't think that you you just can't you can't abandon a say this like it's a walk away you used to be able to just [ __ ] leave like no deity cigarette I'm just gonna walk away now I used to do a bit about that was that what I'm thinking of the the [ __ ] feeling of elation when you're walking out that door if you're that unhappy that you can leave kids behind oh you're close how miserable are you that you're just [ __ ] walking out and when you just walk in as she's going like don't forget to get bla bla bla bla just sick and that is the last [ __ ] time I ever have to hear and you're trying to like like hold down your joy like alright alright I'll get it and then you just leave and it's just like what is that feeling you get to that train station and you just on that train you just look at your watch they're probably starting to wonder and you just go and you go to that new town and you go into that bar and that first person comes up to you hi what's your name and you just like Mike Mike Phillips you married would you know I'm not great guy and then you just sit there and then you just start inventing inventing this thing and then it was funny then you meet you you marry you find love and then your wife wants to vacation in the city that you abandoned a family there's like a movie and then you have to go back and a whole [ __ ] time I want to keep putting your collar up that's [ __ ] wild I can't imagine banding of family is [ __ ] wild like if there was a drug like you're saying that drug you know when she walked in on you if you had that that [ __ ] feeling I mean that's like the end of like what is it that are go movie or whatever that Ben Affleck movie with the [ __ ] where they get yeah we're going to play any like let's get the [ __ ] out of here like that's that save feeling ladies and gentlemen reached 15,000 feet we are clear out of missile strike grains you're like oh I had that feeling when I left [ __ ] India I did a gig in India and they they had this thing where I had to send my passport to San Francisco to the [ __ ] whatever the consulate or whatever the hell wasn't to get a work permit and then I said just to let you know when you get there you need a you need you got to go to the embassy to get or some [ __ ] thing to get a piece of paper so you can leave like if I don't get the piece now that's it's anyone it's not a big deal so I [ __ ] go there and I'm only there for 36 hours so I'll and the night before now we're literally driving and there's those guys in like the scooters but they're also like enclosed but god I'm in [ __ ] India it's just amazing right and so that day I go down to the [ __ ] embassy thing and like they won't let the promoter go in and then it's just me english-speaking dude and I'm in there trying to get this piece of paper saying that I could leave and then there was like there was this pop star plays the piano gorgeous woman she they didn't let her leave that was the story they told me they someone saw was here they didn't let her leave and I'm thinking my head they didn't let her leave there's no [ __ ] way to let me leave so I went up then I was just talking to the people and I just know I was hanging out with this chick from Afghanistan and she was trying to get out and I was like like this is like [ __ ] stripes where he was going like son of that guy son of [ __ ] sheets I was in the class I wasn't teaching a class so I just remember I finally I was getting really nervous and I finally like I got this piece of paper and I said to the lady I go so if I show this at the airport this means I can leave right and they had this thing over there where they they where it's not yes or no they don't know and they avoid they do like this bobblehead thing so she just goes like I'm like what does that mean and she just sort of laughed like you know maybe maybe not so that night I'm doing my gig and I'm just like [ __ ] man like in my head I'm like I don't know if I can get out of the [ __ ] country right so I [ __ ] do the gig and then afterwards we you know I hung out with all these comics hilarious they were asking me all comic questions yeah you know how do you how do you write do you write on stage and then finally some guy goes who's the comic out there selling the most tickets that you just don't think is funny I was like oh my god this exists over here great kids right so I got to the airport and fortunately I was taking a red-eye out so there was nobody there and I kind of guerilla my way past this guy cuz he's looking at the paper you need blood like I got the paper right here and he's looking at it like oh I miss my flight or whatever and he's [ __ ] doing this [ __ ] yeah now it's like buddy I gotta go I'm gonna miss my flight and he was like a slight sort of dude and I just [ __ ] got through it and then I got on the plane I'm just like what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] we were flying to Dubai and I didn't feel comfortable until we changed planes and Dubai and you left Dubai and got out of Middle East airspace yeah cuz that was another thing you know there we see that flight accidentally shot down I [ __ ] whoever right so then once we got over like you know wherever the felt turkey grease then was get over there then then I was going that was the greatest flight because we used you know I used up all my miles and we flew air Emirates which is the greatest Allaah table top it's the sickest plane you know stewardesses are all hot like back in the day dude eat your own little private room well no that's like 15 grand I flew that I flew that from make my story so I go to get up now I'm feeling good like I'll thank God I'm getting out so I walked to the back of the plane like first-class upstairs and we walked to the back to go to the bathroom and I walk in the back and there's this big open area these people stand around there was a semicircle stand up bar with six people sitting on stools and then this bench and I was like oh my god so I went back to see I go I go Nia come on back here she goes why I want to buy you a drink because what are you talking about I walked it back there she's like oh my god we sat down on the bench we both put like seatbelts on yeah click the glasses and it was it was an amazing tour I actually flew around the world because I started in Australia New Zealand then went to Singapore Hong Kong and then Mumbai and then from Mumbai Dubai to New York City and New York back to LA so all you flat earthers out there I'm telling you it [ __ ] exists I was thinking about doing that to start my my fault or I mean say it but I'm doing Petersburg and Moscow to kick off the fall tour and I was thinking about going around the country going around the world the other way doing a date in Australia New Zealand Singapore Hong Kong Mumbai I want to do I would love to do something and I'm outed a little different than that I would go start at Mumbai they go Hong Kong Singapore no no if you go Mumbai if you know I want to start in I want to I want to I want to start in LA go Australia okay Singapore okay Mumbai I don't know to Russia and then go down from Dubai Dubai okay yeah because I think that'll be a shorter flight and I think I've i emirates and those [ __ ] planes are i mean it's great it i you get your minds like Shadia but no you can get cheaper tickets on Emirates when you're not flying like like those Emirates flights from like New Zealand to I took one from new from Bali to New Zealand it was actually kind of affordable I want to say it was like three thousand dollars to five it was like an like a hotel bar and I just was like by the way I travel with little bottles of myself so I was like I'll drink mine and then be like oh I just got it from there and just walking all I love that did you even flown Singapore Airlines no that's another great one thrill just sick plane gorgeous stewardesses like it's just like like back when flying was glamorous yeah before they just I don't know what they did to it in this country they just ruined they just treat people like [ __ ] like the way people show up they trust like you I dress up on a plane like I just started recently wearing track I think people dress appropriately on a plane because they treat you like [ __ ] yeah and then they they so light and then there's this awful like chicken or egg thing like what's what what happened first the behavior of the the people on the plane or the way the airline treated you it's got to be the first people are the people on the plane the way they behave I think so I think I think when the night attendants lowered their behavior based on what they were dealing with I think at that level but the corporations what they did was they forced it in no you know what happened was I think they do regulated airline travel and that allowed all these different people that start an airline yeah and then that started this price thing and then flying became a cheap thing and and then that allowed any mouth-breather to get on the plane and I think it lowered its like casinos like back in the day people that you didn't wear a sport coat the mob wouldn't let you come down now you can go down there and like flip-flops in a thong with your kid and play slots it like 2:00 in the morning a week after 9/11 I was in an elevator with a guy and he was on his cell phone and he was saying to his accountant I want to put I'd never heard of this airline before he goes I want to put everything I have in Southwest Airlines and I remember going like I remember thinking you're gonna invest in an airline's right now like thinking that and I was like and I've never heard of this airline in my life and he goes Southwest I'm telling you man they're gonna change the game with airline travel they're gonna make it so that everyone's gonna be flying you're gonna be shocked that means on the phone I want I want to invest everything at Southwest yeah that was that's been terrible for the environment like I don't understand why the [ __ ] video conference has not taken off why don't all these poor [ __ ] people have to get on a goddamn plane every [ __ ] week yeah to sit across the desk when I mean I could sit there and FaceTime my kid you can't FaceTime a [ __ ] meeting yeah I just don't understand why there's still nine zillion [ __ ] people at the airport are you guys like are you guys all on your way to the funny bone where the [ __ ] going like I understand during spring break holidays I understand this but like like all of these [ __ ] people then you just see like like middle of the school year you just see like mother father and the whole family like it's just like way the [ __ ] are you going something's supposed to be in school yeah I would say that was I think everywhere like I think traffic it's it's it's uber lyft and postmates people just circling waiting for someone to [ __ ] calm as people try to do the thing well well if they didn't pick you up you'd be out there anyway it's like I would go out there and drive to where I'm going to come back I'm not out there circling waiting till I figure out where I want to go like I feel like LA now you already had the traffic now you took all like basically all the cabs from El I'm from New York and you stuck them in in in LA have cabs when I when we just first had Georgian ila I would take a cab to the improv so I was gonna drink and getting a cab was so [ __ ] difficult you had to call 30 minutes ahead of time yeah you never was certain they were gonna show up and getting a cab out of there was like a nightmare yeah but have you done I know you haven't but if you had the experience of uber and LAX today no have you done it it is a [ __ ] nightmare it is a nightmare they have sectioned off one lot we're all lubbers show up and all people have to walk to this lot from wherever the [ __ ] you were you have to walk a half a mile to this [ __ ] lot or take a bus there okay and oh there is no way anyone's getting an uber from LAX they have they are trying to kill Eber in LAX not the town guards town cars can pull because of that horseshoe [ __ ] design yeah that they just keep doubling down on they just keep stacking it up it's the worst [ __ ] design the worst ever design now have you ever seen the the VIP VIP VIP VIP way to get in there are you talking about the one on the other side of the airport 4500 bucks just for a membership and then it's like it's like twenty-seven hundred bucks on the way out and on the on the way back you lost your first-class stick it cost you like ten grand we took it we did it hold on we did it for a helicopter to take a helicopter to Burbank you can use that facility for a thousand dollars so it's $1,500 to get a helicopter from here to Burbank and then a thousand dollars is that or Beaucaire I don't know I don't know certain but you you could get on the plane you get off the plane and someone meets you like a concierge meets you at the plane and then drives you like you walk down those steps that way you get in a Range Rover they drive you across the tarmac to the other side that place is through the [ __ ] roof I mean it's gorgeous beautiful facilities we were doing it I was doing it because we were taking a helicopter and I was like [ __ ] thousand bucks I'm never gonna get to you wouldn't fly in a helicopter because she was like it's one bolt yeah no I did it that's what I say yeah all of aviation is wonderful I did it I did it I did it because I wanted to shoot a promo video for some dates that I needed to sell tickets on so I figured I was gonna make fun of Jo koy and all these guys driving him flying private jets I was like who's flying home in a helicopter it is hey seven-minute flight for 1,500 bucks it's one of the coolest flights I've ever taken you are literally 20 feet above the ocean just then he cuts over the 405 and just [ __ ] tracks him for a little bit he's like take a look at the traffic it's 6 o'clock it is slam packed he's like cool and then cuts this way and he is down it is a 7 minute flight and you're like all I could think is I was a quickest way I've pissed away $15 dollars in my life but I was I was only home for 15 hours and I was like I mean you know when your brain are start going I'm not gonna [ __ ] wait I'm not gonna spend an hour and a half in traffic when I have 15 hours home my kids are gonna be asleep I won't even see them I'll wake up they'll go to school I won't even see them so I took the helicopter it was one of the coolest experience of my life yeah that [ __ ] I've been trying to tell you that dude forever that flight the other day did you why I flew I did a three-hour flight and one of the things I came down the coast of Malibu over the Palos Verdes not up house originally I said I came down the hell's that called the Pacific Palisades yeah then you stay out of Santa Monica's airspace and all that and that's my thing like I love looking at like all the brake lights where the [ __ ] my phone I can show you like some of the sickest but you look at some of the pictures especially when it rains out here when you go up into the UH you go like north of Santa Barbara and you get into the hills you look looks like you're in Ireland sweet how hard is it to get a helicopter right after it rains or all the helicopters rented it's like the prettiest time to fly right oh no not read know people just fly all the time it's not it's not like that it's just what's great about right after it rains because any time you look out and it's really clear yeah clear air usually means there's some sort of wind this turbulence because it's blowing all the haze and all the crap out of there so the more hazy it is the smoother the smoother the air is what's just sort of you know it's it's just like life here they always you always got to pay a price so the greatest thing ever is after it rains out here is it knocks down all that dust and all of that [ __ ] and then if it's there's no wind that day if you're flying like la is one of the most beautiful things you'll ever fly over it's it's it's gorgeous has some of the most beautiful homes and just as far as the topography the stuff that you can see like I mean you can literally like if you leave out of Burbank and you just sort of go like like Northwest I mean you just leave civilization and you're just [ __ ] out over I'm at one time we landed like in the middle of this field and I don't know what got killed out there as far as an animal yeah but it was a pretty decent sized skeleton and it was just sort of littered oh my god we stumbled upon this serial killer whatever but we were just in this [ __ ] green field and then like if you wish somebody that's like into Holly wouldn't [ __ ] like we flew over he goes look at this Hill here you see this oh he's just one of the pilots over there that I fly with and he goes this hill right here is where a little house in the Prairie with that little girl would run down the hill and would fall down I go this is what they think drove wallowing out here back does like yeah they shot somewhere in Malibu the other day and they go see a hill I go yeah they go that's the Paramount he'll know what what here's a key on the other side that's where they shot all the Paramount movies that's the hill and we were like do you know there's a lake in Malibu Lake Malibu it's like no oh dude I just seen you must have seen beautiful [ __ ] no this one oh no this is this weird wants to there's one a guy has a house who was like really into the Flintstones and he literally made like the stone house and now he doesn't live there it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen it's just top of the hill there's another person who was really into airplanes and took old parts from like a 747 and made it into like a house and like there's a big like the wing is like this crazy deck that goes out in like a triangle then there's just like in like Santa Barbara and in Malibu there are just houses along the ocean that you like that that's a resort right and they're good no that's just one guy's house it's like what the [ __ ] does that do what did they do yeah you go up to Santa Barbara see like [ __ ] Oprah's house open house is ridiculous it's ridiculous like the amount of land that is just around when you went to buy a house did you take a helicopter up and look at did you ever look at houses that way cuz I would have done that heartbeat I was looking for land when we went to buy a new house I wanted land more than anything and I wanted to get up in a helicopter and just find a parcel why don't you come up with me I'll fly I'll fly with an instructor because no one's gonna write that obituaries bill bird dies with opening act well do you do like it like just some of this stuff that you see you fly by the [ __ ] Reagan ranch you [ __ ] the library yeah you [ __ ] dive down in you look at the [ __ ] here for four point do it all the time party shouldn't save it yeah and then when when you get up by Camarillo Airport which is so amazing was basically where the valley stops is is the elevation goes up and Conejo great and then it just drops down and into like Oxnard and and all of that and goes right out to the ocean and you get out and then the marine layer comes in got to make sure you stay underneath that but like really it's it's [ __ ] wild dude it's it's it's it's gorgeous it's absolutely gorgeous and then there's like I mean it's analyst there's this times is a there's a military base up there I mean one time I was flying down and then they were telling me they will let me transition through and they just let a just let you know you know this whatever the [ __ ] they say and it was a two planes coming in up something I can only see one it can only see one the guy with me glassy because just watch just watch and I just see this guy coming in and like this [ __ ] F whatever at the last second I realized there was two of them cuz they fly so close together so then when they come in for a landing they do these hard turns one lands and the other one is like I don't know like cover them stays above them and then [ __ ] loops back around and it goes and I'm in my little egg beater like on [Laughter] Wow I mean what a drunk would you want to fly in one of those f-15s like in the backseat I have never been into speed those guys always try to make your puke and it's just like I don't want to be inverted puking on myself I don't know it'd be like that that's their sport which I think it's really bush league you know what I mean it'd be like me calling you up on stage and having a [ __ ] joke off as I've been doing stand-up for like [ __ ] 30 years so I have no interest in through I would like the redbull guy I met one of those Red Bull helicopter oh the guys that do the stunt pilots yeah and I guess I watch this guy take off I couldn't [ __ ] but was like watching a spaceship the level of power that this thing has like usually you know before I go to takeoff it's you know left right you know just you know kind of making sure like that right make sure my tail is clear and all that [ __ ] and then you just go like that this guy has to all of that [ __ ] and then look like that cuz this [ __ ] guy was like on the ground and then he was like you know like a thousand feet in the air it felt like in three seconds I mean I have enough I was like I was in that thing I just like its stomach all the way down to your ankles it was I would like to do all the power I would like to do the Top Gun stuff where they go in the canyons and like that would seems like it'll be fun but I don't really care about you just have to you just got to make sure you with somebody that is gonna look at it first make sure there's no wires and then there's oh there's also another [ __ ] thing where it is I mean I don't really fly a lot of occasionally off with a fly 44 that has hydraulics yeah the 22 that I fly it's literally it's like a car with no power steering up already you really have to fly by like and then the main rotor is really short so it's it's [ __ ] squirrely but that's why I have most my hours so it feels normal me and when I get in anything else it feels like a Cadillac I'm like oh my god so there's a thing with hydraulics I forget what it's called though but if you were to fly and if you were making like serious inputs like slam slam slam like that what can happen is I don't know somewhat the liquid or whatever it gets like it gets stuck here and what you have to do and you don't have enough strength to pull it back so what you have to do is you got a chill and let it sort of [ __ ] whatever it reset and then you can go back so there was some [ __ ] idiot doing that in the Grand Canyon with a whole bunch of people in there and it got stuck in the [ __ ] rock face was right over we took over so make sure if you're gonna go out with someone who's gonna do some [ __ ] like that it's like there's a fine line between having fun and then being a YouTube video we did we went to the what's the thing in in Nassau Paulo in Brazil the mother the the statue like this you know the statue in yeah no ma'am yep yeah the Virgin Mary or whatever we took a helicopter up there and we're up there we're circling it and then the guy just went out over like now we're at 10,000 feet I'm guessing stantly and just just hovered just didn't move just stayed still and we're just dangling and I never had more panic and he was like it didn't speak any English and I was like we're ready to go down he's like no no he's just waited there and I was we were just hanging in the sky and I was like yes I don't like doing that oh I still don't like doing that yeah I just sitting there it's weird yeah there's a thing if you're pulling too much power you can you can actually start to get into your own wash and then you start going down and then your instinct is to pull more power which creates more wash called settling with power and then you just then it's like you could walk down an elevator shaft but all you have to do is you just you lower the collective you gently push the cyclic forward and then you you you go back into cleaner air we I like the one thing I'm terrified you know how to get us out of we should do that we should go up in there I love to go on a helicopter ride can I drink no why I talked to the FAA no the FAA will let me drink yeah know what or they just don't want some [ __ ] drunk idiot like you with flip-flops and you can be what does I put on a straitjacket but you can basically reach on or maybe because I don't know why that is because maybe because you can just sort of reach up and grab something do something [ __ ] stupid yeah well just when you're into something smaller I just don't think they want somebody ship you can get shit-faced on a [ __ ] dc-10 when you can't break down the cockpit door without it yeah I think they know that's what I want to do holder to [ __ ] edibles that's exactly what no no what you should see is is like what I love about helicopters is it's like what we give up in speed the [ __ ] that you can do yeah like we landed after we flew that we went to Malibu and there's this place where he always drops people off or whatever if they just want to have this see anything like the Sun was going down and all Isaac oh dude you got to check this out so he had me land on this this hill out like I said I guess it's Malibu a little picnic table there and [ __ ] so there's a little degree of difficulty making sure you're away from that thing and all it's so come right in over the trail and then there's a little flat part you just set it down and you just on top of Malibu just looking out at the [ __ ] oh it's unbelievable it's it's just like I can't believe I get to just do this and then he's like you want to shut it down and hangers like no I got to go so we just lift up and just we're gonna go down the coast get a little lower let's have fun or whatever and like it's it's um a it's it's [ __ ] amazing dude it really is amazing so like I'll do it oh yeah let's do it all right that's it thank you again for watching the bill bird podcast [Music]

Channel: All Things Comedy

Views: 916,047

Rating: 4.7674084 out of 5

Keywords: ATC, ALL THINGS COMEDY, bill burr, al madrigal, podcast, atc podcast, all things comedy podcast, bill burr stand up, stand up, bill burr podcast, bill burr joe rogan, conan bill burr, bill burr reaction, bill burr women, bill burr full, bill burr rant, bill burr comedy, bill burr interview, bert kreischer, the machine, bert the machine, joe rogan bert kreischer, bert kreischer stand up, bert kreischer podcast, f is for family, bert kreischer the machine

Id: zg2cS8jAp8Q

Length: 86min 54sec (5214 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 19 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

“Bill Burr dies with opening act” was hilarious

[u/bitch_im_a_lion]

Personally I'm a supporter of keeping up the Santa lie for kids just because it's fun and its nice for kids to imagine a world where magic exists and all that before the reality of the world sets in when they're an adult. That said, the extent Bert took it is insane. Actually faking a video of Santa walking through your house is just out there.

Another unintended consequence of the whole Santa thing that I personally like but others might disagree with is that it makes kids question their parents and to not take what they're told at face value. Like Bert's story they found out about the tooth fairy and then ran down the list of imaginary characters because suddenly they realized they have to question that stuff. Imo that's a great thing for a developing mind.

[u/whyyouarehete]

Love the intro music, anyone has idea about the what track is this?

[u/xRyNo]

I would kill to hear Bill's first breakup story that he refused to tell on camera.

[u/Thebullfrog24]

Bert doesn't even pretend to listen to bill in this one.

He's the definition of a dude who just waits for the other person to stop speaking so he can tell his stories.

[u/lopsiness]

Ol' Billy "I'm Done" Burr.

[u/brtdud7]

Never listened to Bert krisher before this podcast, I had heard of him but never listened, and holy hell is this guy annoying

[u/plymouthvoyager]

Drill sergeant cleanliness and sobriety vs. constant bits and intricate fake Santa plots.

[u/MyWeekendAccount]

Eh it really annoys me when people do that with whole "done?" Bit. Like you really have no faith that Bill can quit? What a douche.

Ouch, doesn't help that Bill seems anxious either. This is hard to watch honestly