Creating extraordinary intimacy in a shutdown world | Michael J. Russer | TEDxUniversityofNevada

about a year ago I spoke about intimacy at a Mensa high IQ conference and when I asked the men in the audience what the first thing that came to their mind when they heard the term intimacy they almost invariably said well sex and when I asked the women they responded with things like hugging cuddling kissing and so on clearly there can be significant gender differences broadly speaking with respect to the meaning of intimacy so for our purposes today I'm going to define intimacy as a deep abiding connection that can happen between two people on the emotional physical and even spiritual level now I have to tell you folks I am probably one of the least likely people you would ever expect to share about something called extraordinary intimacy for starters I was a very shut down and driven individual most of my adult life avoiding any semblance of vulnerability at all costs to say that I was shut down and disconnected from most people including my own wife and kids is unfortunately probably being kind that in 2011 I drew the proverbial line in the sand of my life and I chose to step over from being that shutdown person to insisting that my heart be open vulnerable and most importantly willing to feel everything especially all those things I voted feeling all my life and the reason I did that is really very simple I felt that my life of shut down and disconnect was slowly killing me and as you're about to see that ended up being more than just a feeling now to say that this was a major shift in my life is well in exercise and extreme understatement because you see it included ending a 26-year marriage where the last 11 of those years my wife and I were effectively roommates losing all the friends associated with that marriage deliberately walking away from a very lucrative career that may have said my bankaccount but not my soul and stepping headfirst into the abyss of not knowing what's next talk about choices well what came next just two months later it was a diagnosis of prostate cancer and in my family the Big C means you're probably going to die and die badly I lost five other members of my immediate family the various forms of cancer and that's a pattern I hope to break but as if getting cancer weren't enough fate decides to slap me with the cruelest of ironies as a result of all my treatments I was rendered fully and clinically impotent now imagine this for a moment after spending years being faithful to essentially a sexless marriage I now find myself unable to well get it up for someone no I mean I truly wondered if I would even feel what it would be like to be intimate with a woman again or for that matter what woman's even going to bother being with a man who couldn't perform I have to tell you there were days when my frustration and rage bubbled over to the point where I found myself shouting to the heavens you have got to be [ __ ] me really now you have an idea about what millions of men and their partners deal with on a daily basis impotence is our culture's biggest elephant in the room kind of where breast cancer was 30 years ago no one talks about it due to the shame surrounding it shame that devastates men's self-esteem and destroys relationship I've had men come to me and tell me point-blank to my face you know I'd rather die than have what you have and I'm sure they were trying to make me feel better somehow that just didn't work out so well and unfortunately many do die that is because they avoid being tested for prostate cancer not so much out of the fear of the disease itself but much more so out of the implications of its treatment I even had one woman reach out to me in just desperation because she told me that her fiancee of two years said to her and I quote you need to go find another man because he didn't feel like one anymore due to his erectile dysfunction well as it happened about 12 months later I met the woman who's become the love of my life a most beautiful intelligence and sexy and very very conscious woman and once we determined we were going to be more than well just friends and hiking buddies I knew I had to be brutally honest with her about my condition now put yourself in my shoes for a moment it has now been 12 years count them since I had been intimate with a woman in any shape or form and I'm sitting across from one of the most beautiful women I ever laid iZON knowing i had to reveal to her that i can't get it up to save my life somehow wondering if if she was going to suddenly look at her left wrist weather or watch adorns it or not and say look at the time you know this has been a lot of fun but I really do have to get going so we'll be in touch but I coach well fortunately it didn't happen that way as I pointed down to my crotch I said sweetie this isn't working and it may never work are you open to exploring other ways of being intimate with me not even knowing what that meant at the time and being the incredible woman she is she said of course so with that positive affirmation didn't take much we decided we wanted our first intimate experience to be something really really special so I immediately booked a very private nice suite at a local hot spring spa just for that occasion now I have to tell you folks when we arrived at that room our jaws dropped to the floor that's jaws not drawers that came later as we drank in one of the most romantic settings either us had ever seen I mean here is this unbelievable four poster bed about 5 feet off the ground fireplace mood music and lighting and of course the hot tub right off the deck right now I hadn't quite given up the notion of being able to well perform for her like any normal man so I brought the full contingent of erectile aides money can buy including the highest dose of cialis you can legally or for that matter illegally get a very powerful an expensive drug called Muse that well for the younger men in this group here let's just say that if you were foolish enough to try this you will be going to the hospital for hours later for relief guaranteed and then the ever dependable that's so on you we're wondering what's in here romantic vacuum-pump just in case now as I mentioned before it has been 12 years since I have been with a woman intimately speaking and to say that I was just a little bit excited is putting it mildly I mean my god but with all that despite all that no matter what we did no matter which drug we used it simply didn't show now at this stage of our little romantic adventure I'm having little beads of sweat form on my brow and I'm issuing a silent prayer please don't let me down not now please not now and with as much of reassuring smiles I can muster I turn to my partner and I say sweetie no problem I brought the failsafe the vacuum pump and it's based on physics so it has to work so with that renewed hump I start using the pump now as you can imagine I have everything I mean everything riding on this device working as advertised as I start pumping for all it's worth and at first I start seeing and feeling results and I'm thinking thank God finally that is until the very height of my pumping frenzy I end up Keeling over in excruciating agony having just sucked in my left testicle yes it hurts far worse than you can imagine so at this point after I recovered somewhat sweat is pouring down my entire head I'm sitting on the edge of the bed shoulders hunched over in abject despair and defeat and I'm thinking it's over it's over before it even started but then something happened something shifted at that point I finally surrendered to the acceptance of my condition as it was and I no longer fought it and with that I turned to my partner I say sweetie I'm done I'm done with all of this let's just lay together and see what happens now keep in mind at this point no more drugs no more of that thank God it was just her and I and Oh what happened as we made love for hours and hours and we experienced such deep connecting intimacy beyond anything either of us had ever experienced before or even dreamt possible and with it came this flood of insights and discoveries that explained how we were able to have this kind of experience despite my condition insights that would not only be tremendously useful for the millions of couples that are impacted with erectile dysfunction but the millions of others who are struggling with what I call the impotence of disconnect where intimacy of any kind is difficult at best regardless of how well their body parts work now as a result of that experience and the many others that came after all with the same woman by the way here are some of those insights one of the things that became so clear to me almost immediately is that the way men in women are biologically and culturally wired I mean we are talking about ancient caveman Embedded stuff in every single person that wiring can literally get in the way of what our hearts truly yearn for which is deep abiding connection my impotence short-circuited that wiring so that I no longer have the sense of urgency that comes over most men when we get hard you guys know what I'm talking about I can tell you do yeah he does yeah as a result I was able to slow way way down to match my partner's emotional and sexual response profile thus enabling our extraordinary experience the word performance never ever enters our bedroom instead we replace it with presence and finally one of the things that became so clear to me abundantly clear is that the way a man defines himself as a man is a choice it can be the size and capability of his package as our popular culture and pharmaceutical industry would have us believe or it can be how deeply he chooses to connect with and please his partner in the way they want after two and a half years My partner and I continued to explore the boundaries of what's possible with respect to emotional physical and spiritual intimacy and I frankly to have to tell you we have yet to find the and ironically none of this would have happened if I hadn't lost my erectile function now what I'm about to say next may be difficult for some people to hear or accept but it's absolutely the truth my impotence has been and continues to be absolutely the biggest blessing ever to our anta maseeh now the good news for everybody else is you don't have to lose your erectile function in order to have this kind of experience and he really appreciates that yeah I can tell yeah yeah trust me if my partner and I can achieve these levels of intimacy given my limitations every single person in this room can - and probably much more because most of you can do things we will never be able to do so what does it take to achieve extraordinary intimacy I'm talking about something so far beyond what most people can even imagine is possible for us it starts with an open heart vulnerable and open communication being fully present for each other both in the giving and receiving having a great sense of playful adventure for sure and perhaps most importantly at least from my perspective is my willingness as a man the slow way way down so that I can please my partner and the way she wants people of all types and orientations crave true intimacy and connection with others it is part of what it means to be human to deny it suppresses the very essence of who we are without question we live in the most digitally interactive period of argument species yet how many of us truly feel connected with other human beings because of it if we want to experience true intimacy where you give another human being the ability and the permission to in to me see all it takes is one simple thing in open heart

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 163,619

Keywords: English, Personal growth, ted, ted talks, TEDxTalks, United States, Life, Sex, ted x, tedx, Relationships, ted talk, tedx talk, tedx talks

Id: XK8f8w7ICng

Length: 18min 24sec (1104 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 06 2015