BEST OF Romesh Ranganathan | Irrational | Universal Comedy

my excess weight and my lack of attractiveness is one of the main reasons i've never cheated on my wife it's not the number one reason the number one reason is because i love her very much but thank you but a close second is lack of opportunity [Music] there is no point denying that it's easy to be faithful when you're repulsive isn't it i mean i can't even fantasize about another woman because that fantasy is ruined by the fact that in that fantasy i would have to be there jimmy it's a massive turn off it doesn't matter how hot the woman is eventually my gelatinous bulk has to rock up you don't often get a dessert option as a vegan because as you know desserts have all got dairy in very often the only option you're given for a dessert is fruit salad and as we know fruit salad isn't a dessert a fruit salad is a kick in the dick right but i did get a genuine vegan option recently right sorbet i know i thought hello everything's coming up ranger nathan i said to the waitress get me some sorbet sorbet me up yeah she said what flavor would you like i was like why the [ __ ] would you do that man you've just made this more complicated say well what do you want raspberry or lemon and i'm thinking this is a nightmare because if i have the raspberry the whole time i'll be thinking what if the lemon was better if i get the lemon the whole time i'd be thinking what if the raspberry is better now it's got quiet in here the reason is because you all think you found the solution which is get one scoop of each [ __ ] i understand that's what you think but that's the worst possible outcome because if i get one scoop of each i'm definitely going to prefer one to the other and the whole time i'm eating the one i like less i'll just be thinking why didn't i get two skips to the other one it's not just restaurants and cafes i find irritated cinema i find annoying i've got the cinema on my own a lot i do go with my children from time to time but i find it very frustrating going with my children because i don't have a very discerning palette when it comes to watching films they think everything's good and i get frustrated that i can't talk to them about it i went to watch ice age 4 with my son it's a goddamn abomination right sitting there watching it thinking i can't wait to talk to him about it we get out the cinema he goes to me that was brilliant wasn't it daddy i can't [ __ ] talk to you can i bright colors loud noises you're impressed it was [ __ ] bruv my wife likes x factor she loves x factor and i'm anti it if i'm being honest with you first of all i don't think we should be chasing dreams i don't think they should be encouraged this idea of chasing dreams it's not what life's about life's about compromising and waiting to die that's what life's about right so x factor it's all about chasing your dreams and it pisses me off right and they try and make it noble to to become a singer it's not noble i understand if you want to do it fine if you want to be famous fine but don't pretend it's noble they attach back stories to it try and make it look like it's more than it is you'll have some guy going oh you know the thing is i i just you know i really want to make it through because my brother's got cancer and he said like one of his dying wishes would be for me to make it through to the live rounds and you know and i think wow that is incredibly noble because i'd sort of naturally assume that one of his his last wishes might be to get better you know but that guy is willing to sacrifice that so that you can make it through to louis six chairs i mean it's pretty impressive everything my wife likes his gogglebox are any fans of goggleboxing sweat you should be executed i i cannot [ __ ] believe this program exists matt it's the dumbest [ __ ] i've ever seen in my life as i'm watching it i'm feeling my intellect dissolve like a barakah just this is what i find helpful about facebook right what i find useful about it is it enables you to identify which of your friends are [ __ ] basically because what happens is when your friends speak to you they just tell you what they think you want to hear or they sort of like keep their real opinions to themselves but on facebook they post up what they really think and then you think oh right yeah no you are a bell end like i didn't know i suspected but now i know it's when you find out which of your friends are racist homophobic sexist misogynistic islamophobic my wife gets really offended she's like oh god i hate it i love it i gravitate towards it i start asking more questions i want to know exactly how idiotic these morons are right one of my wife's friends she put up a britain first picture right bam the burka right had a picture woman in a burka it said this is disgusting if you want this to stop click like because that is how this woman thinks that legislation works right the base of theresa may will look at that and go [ __ ] we're gonna have to ban the burqa well it's got 700 likes and i've just put it on lad bible anyway straight away right my wife defriended her she said it's racist now i don't know if she really thought that or she was doing it out of solidarity with me i'm not muslim i think she's just trying to show that she's down with the browns anyway straight away she defriended her [ __ ] that mate i added her i sent her a message i don't like muslims either let's see how deep the rabbit hole goes but it does make me nervous it makes me nervous because i think [ __ ] you know what does this mean for my family i'm married to a white woman mean i'm telling you that because it's important for the next bit i'm not showing off but i'm not one of these ethnic minorities that remain within their own communities i'll move to your neighborhood i'll take one of your jobs i'll shag one of your women and i will bring the property prices right down that's just sometimes i think i'm having more children just to piss off the neighbours you'll be the minority soon will ya this carries up she's she's a wonderful woman my wife i love her very much she she she looks after our three children she does a wonderful job i made the mistake of suggesting that my day at work might have been 10 as challenging as her day and she nearly punched my teeth out through my [ __ ] so i realized that i shouldn't have done that she does feel like she's got to justify what she does to me so i've got to do this and then i've got to do that and then i've got to do this i've got to do that she doesn't have to justify what she does to me i know how difficult it is to spend time with those children i've done it four or five times right the last time it was like a triple prong attack on my sanity mate it's like they planned it it was unbelievable i wasn't one of wondering right she's gone out [Music] okay this is what we're gonna do you take a [ __ ] in that corner you take a piss in that corner this is the genius bit i'm just gonna grab my dick for no reason trust me if we time it right he will kill himself you know what my wife does she makes up deadlines i've got no idea why she does this she makes up deadlines i'll say i'm off out now what are you up to and she go well gotta clean the windows by three why is there a window inspection at five past three that i didn't know about i didn't even know we cleaned the [ __ ] windows you know my deadline for cleaning the windows when i can't see out of them anymore if i come downstairs where the [ __ ] is the garden jesus christ oh god she's a wonderful woman she deserves the very best but i cannot be asked to provide it it's such a difficult conundrum i wanted to be happy but i've got no inclination to do anything about it what do you do what do you do it's a difficult one isn't it i do want her to be happy but i don't want to do anything the way i figure it i don't have to be an excellent husband i just have to be slightly less annoying than starting divorce proceedings you know that's how i figure it trying to figure out a solution i think i figured it out i think i figured a way of me not doing anything but her being happy i just think just let her have a boyfriend i do think that's a solution you know how people worry about their marriage i don't know what's going on is a bit tough don't know where she is tonight i know where my wife is tonight she's with andy i arranged it so many advantages to having an andy got an extra child care option you've got a mate don't have to worry about his sexual performance anymore because andy's smashing the [ __ ] out of it jimmy it's amazing [Applause] right you know when you go out with your friends you complain about your other half when you're with andy you're complaining about the same person i mean play little mind games with him like isn't it weird when she does her multiple orgasm face oh you haven't seen it i sometimes think the biggest advantage of having an andy is i'd quite like to have a go on andy myself i'm thinking about going gay for a bit do i mean like a gap year you

Channel: Universal Comedy

Views: 154,322

Keywords: Comedy, Universal Comedy, Universal, Stand Up, Stand Up Comedy, Comedian, Stand Up Comedian, romesh ranganathan stand up, romesh ranganathan kids, romesh, ranganathan, jonathan, funniest moments, irrational, romesh ranganathan irrational full show, romesh ranganathan irrational live, romesh ranganathan irrational full, Romesh ranganathan vegan, romesh ranganathan wife, romesh couples therapy, romesh ranganathan marriage, romesh best of, romesh ranganathan best of

Id: ZLRQafaza6A

Length: 10min 5sec (605 seconds)

Published: Sun May 22 2022