Best of Jerma's AI Adventures (AI Highlights 2019-2022)

today we are going to do something a little different germa is the center of the universe that's a pretty good way to start what we are about to start i think that's a good one to start on so uh what this does is when you type in a sentence or a paragraph or a phrase this will make up an entire predictive story predictive text it just it just essentially is a story generator this is blindingly bright can you adjust the colors oh yeah look what i can do look at what i'm capable of all right so we're we're going to press complete text we're going to just test it out and see what it does zero is the center of the universe germa is the center of the universe the only other planet in our solar system is neptune because there is no ice in its orbit while the atmosphere of mars is much thinner the atmosphere of jupiter has a larger density than the atmosphere of mars which makes it much less dense than the atmosphere of earth this can account for the fact that jupiter has so many moons and is so crowded with comets that moons orbit jupiter more than planets do this is similar to our own moon in addition while planets like jupiter and saturn have surface areas about the size as our own planet planets like earth have many times the area of our moon compared to other worlds and so the density of our atmosphere is closer to the earth so while planets can have water oceans the majority of the water on earth lies within the atmosphere because venus has no atmosphere it is completely vapor filled and is the only planet in our solar system that can be seen with the naked eye venus has an atmosphere that can withstand a tremendous amount of ultraviolet radiation since water vapor and the light in it is the this is just a gigantic logic problem i feel like i'm going to have to solve for x here at some point the only other planet in our solar system is neptune how does that make what are they talking about less science well i didn't know that was going to happen there you happy i i eat boogers ha ha i probably shouldn't tell you this though just go and have a look anyway it was fun while it lasted lying back against the wall core gave the bencher a look that told her the boy didn't care that she was lying right next to him asami though did it was a simple but effective tactic what all right so it didn't know what to do with that it didn't know what to do with that keep reading i'm not gonna read that i'm gonna break a rule here german streams suck he has less than 5 000 viewers the show could have been less racist and less racist this is where i will go on a rant germa is a good person don't believe the internet germa is a good person don't believe the internet that girl in the bathroom at work is probably just mad that you broke her laptop not me this post has two things in common with the old if you're an [ __ ] you probably can't do anything right mentality both are not really true at all most of what the [ __ ] i'm going to write please play out why no okay here we go sometimes i ponder life's mysteries are hippos actually aggressive i keep hearing they're the most vicious but is it really true is the king kong actually afraid of women is the dinosaur really so strong does a chicken actually poop are the birds really friendly to each other can i actually talk to a chick does our planet actually exist i'm curious if i want to learn about these things i think i'd have to ask them i've read about them they're all my friends they all tell me they know they're my friends and their favorite thing is their pet dog i'm guessing i don't need any more convincing editors note this interview has been excerpted from the novel where to see america's great game by mark c smith published by the penguin press thinks of a crazy person all right my father was fairly wealthy hey lots of you see other animals and here's why my father was fairly wealthy he would sometimes come home and shower us with gifts various toys trinkets and the like my father also brought us something else to the house animals lots of animals you see he was a zoologist by trade the money was great we had an entire zoo in our backyard but over the years one would say sharing a bed with a giraffe is not so great after a while we grow distant him and i the last time i spoke with him was july of 2006 and here's why we weren't even friends after our divorce we were never friends we were separated by so many years of love we still talk about it every day and as i said before we still see each other occasionally like once a year we talk and we are out on the town we don't talk every day because i have classes no i have to be at work or in the shop in a couple of years we'll be able to speak again possibly god damn it okay it's time it's time guys this is too stupid for me no [Music] hey bro uh you need some help with those weights i can give you a spotty grade in that subject but don't worry uh i won't get mad if you get uh something in i you know i've seen you fight you know just watch that leg kick you won't be able to keep your pants on forever what and just before you did that you had him drop off the top bar of his own chair it's [ __ ] porn again i am the strongest i will show you my power level's been rising for centuries now [Music] it was a scene i had watched hundreds of times what is more than what that one man could get it but only one woman that's what happens with men too you must [Music] you will know it don't worry just do what i say and letting [Music] i'm so conscious that this is gonna be like [ __ ] uh okay uh yeah you're right i [ __ ] it all up i am the strongest i will show you my power level has risen has been rising for centuries now [Music] raw pace data the only true hero in this world i probably just like woke up the whole house aliens have taken over earth's solar system humans and other races who aren't earth are being hunted by the powerful beings they call the machines however you don't have to fear these new threats because you don't know about the machines yet with no one to save you no one to protect you and no information about the machines you must discover your true purpose and fight in the battle for humanity with the others from around the world play as a single player character or as an ai controlled avatar in multiplayer battles and multiplayer battles with the ai to find out who you are fighting for you will experience the story of the machine wars in four episodes at the beginning of the campaign by following a journey throughout the world of space what is new now with game dogs we have added game dogs to our system and added access to content in the game section of the website you can still play on your pc or mac using a compatible gaming device or a mobile os running chrome or firefox the new game dogs app is available on both ios and android that was just an ad on tv that was just like a two-minute youtube ad actual e3 presentation [Laughter] i'm here to announce our new game at e3 it's called tales from the tomb raider you'll probably hear plenty of that from people all over in australia in the united states it'll be called tale from the tomb raider okay this is gonna be hard to do i'm gonna try as hard as i can i'm here to announce our new game at e3 it's called tales from the tomb raider you'll probably hear that plenty of that from people all over in australia in the united states it'll be called tail from the tomb raider it's not going to be called tale from the tomb raider yet it's going to be called tales from the tomb raider i love the sound of that name it's going to be called jail for i'm here to announce our new game of d3 it's called tales from the tomb raider you probably hear plenty of that from people over in australia in the united states it'll be called tail from the tomb raider no that's not gonna be called tail from the tomb raider yet it's gonna be called tails from the tomb raider i love the sound of that name it's gonna be called tail from the tomb raider for some sort of convention in 2014. the tomb the tomb raider title is being developed by a group of team members and they're actually talking about a new game one of these days we're going to announce that game at e3 this year or soon after or maybe even early next year but at this point we're actually trying to convince people to actually buy and play the game instead of coming just to enjoy the game and see their own photos in its world but as far as we know this isn't a sequel or a reboot right now so i know uh and now ladies and gentlemen please welcome the head of xbox studio phil spencer [Applause] okay all right hey hey everybody how are you here yeah okay that's right cool really cool very cool [Applause] i'm here to announce our new game at e3 the next game from our studio is about to be released on pc this is because the game is on pc and xbox one and due to some technical issues we can't show it in our booth we believe that pc and playstation 4 users will have many more features and more fun than consoles so please check out the game on our forums if you want to keep up to date on our progress in your favorite gaming platform we're looking into other projects like the next game in the upcoming super monkey ball series thank you for reading thank you for reading that's what throws it off thank you for reading and please come get to know us we hope to see you at e3 this year thank you for reading phil spencer would be backstage and he'd walk off people like four of his assistants would be like phil are you all right do you need some water what are you talking about what ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage gabe newell from half-life softworks [Applause] thank you thank you everybody whoa okay so what everybody needs to settle down here okay yes i did no i am okay very much thank you yeah okay here we are we're here uh wow interesting wow we are sorry we are delaying our new game to 2013. yeah i know not many of you here today unfortunately yeah we're delaying our new game to 2013. a few days ago a few days later when we reached out to warner brothers we were assured the delay would be brought under control at least for now but no further information was forthcoming at some point in 2011 we also came across an official faq from warner brothers that stated we would like to thank you for your great love and support of the kingdom hearts franchise and in a recent business decision we decided that kingdom hearts unchained x would not be going forward when the previous game was released and would end up on its own terms and for its own time advertisement this is where the story started a few weeks ago warner brothers released a press release that announced a series of new games for kingdom hearts 2. one of the most popular things about kingdom hearts fans is the fact that this series takes on so many different forms including the addition of a new game feature featuring a new game in kingdom hearts 2 reads the press release this is precisely what we'd like to introduce in kingdom hearts unchained and that is all [Music] oh come on oh come on [ __ ] you yeah i've wanted to say it for a very long time [ __ ] you all when does tail of the tomb raider release i wonder uh when does tale of the tomb raider release sorrowful dead drummer billy breathes and bassist mike campbell are excited about tales of the tomb raider coming to xbox one and windows 10 in early 2016 according to guitarist mike campbell in rolling stone a microsoft representative reached out to eam for an answer but didn't take the report seriously why would microsoft reach out for why wouldn't the magazine reach out for an answer why would they decline a comment from microsoft that doesn't make any sense takes take take wait what do you mean take what are you talking about what happened what happened what happened oh whatever well let's see when takes of the tomb raider takes of the tombs raider takes up the tombs raider is an ipad game that is desperately trying to get you to download it what will [Laughter] this is like it's like english is my second language apparently what will takes of the tombs raider be rated a bit different for this week's game you see a few different ways that a new game is expected to be one has to do with marketing and that is by putting ads on the front page many have mentioned that a new game has to have content that will sell for free to make up for not getting any ads well that kind of has to get a little boring with this week's game and some of its other options that is exactly what happens this week's take of the tombs raider will be the last game of the season that hasn't been released yet they expect us to see the game come out a little bit later in january than usual so hopefully by then it will have sold out it also won't be the end of the season which means it will have some free copies on sale for a few weeks take of the tombs raider is available for pre-order on steam are they calling this the game of the week on a somewhat related note this week's game of the week are some games uh that was all over the place what will tales of the tombs raider what will tales of the tomb raider be rated it will be rated t for teen but you'll still be able to use other content that's approved for older age groups i'll also be allowing players 18 and up to have a non-commercial online game do i have to own two just putting the blanket statement out that you're going to allow and like completely and totally support like porn mods do i have to own the tomb raider game to play the online multiplayer some of the online games that already support multiplayer will still continue to function for players on ps3 and xbox 360. however i think there will be more content added to the servers so that they're ready for xbox one do i have to own tales of the tomb raider to play the online multiplayer i'd like to say yes but we don't have any official details on the matter just yet i don't buy games will your xbox live games fail to download what a stupid statement [Laughter] as a reminder ps3 gamers who own a ps3 can play games through the cloud and even download and even download from xbox live in their online mode for their on their ps3 this is the best one i don't buy games will your xbox live games failed to download hey guys what's the video game of the week it's a little different each week you can watch out for our video game of the week every tuesday on the twitch channel or by following us on twitter reddit facebook tumblr and youtube you can also follow me on the blog at jasonwilkinson.com you can also ask questions on the official forums at fandomofthebigplanet.com please help bring this show to life here in the big bang theory this episode also brought to you by join sheldon and jeremy in this special one-hour special of the big bearing theory links and merch big bang theory facebook page big bang theory twitter account big bang theory instagram if you enjoy the podcast and want more check out my other projects listed on my about me page for more information on any of the shows and our projects mentioned and for all the latest episodes and trail info head over to my itunes and stitcher page thanks for listening links this is not is this made up just just predictive made up words is this i don't know if this is real i don't think this is real i have no idea this is real but i'm gonna go for it is it i don't know okay who who won the oscar oscar winner joaquin phoenix is not nominated for an academy award despite him getting an ovation by a capacity crowd at thursday's tony awards the 42 year old actor received a standing ovation and applause throughout the ceremony with other celebrities including lady gaga miley cyrus and jennifer hudson also receiving special guests this evening phoenix has been nominated in numerous categories over the past 10 years most recently for the best performance in an ensemble cast including bill murray tom hanks jason robards and julianne moore however as much as that might be a bit of a surprise phoenix has always held a particular soft spot in the hearts of young actors and in particular in a group of aspiring hollywood stars this is partly because phoenix plays dr phil on a cbs program called the talk and in 2006 the singer made headlines for being spotted in a pair of suit jacket and ties after attending a performance of the movie walking with dinosaurs i got the biggest standing ovation this evening's tony awards and i haven't walked oh welcome to the nintendo direct e3 2014. the first big announcement of e3 2014 was a new updated version of its website dedicated to nintendo along with the official trailer for animal crossing new leaf and super smash brothers for the wii u and xbox one and playstation 4. a new nintendo direct is held now which is the culmination of two weeks-long events from october 26 to the 31st the two days are spent on presentations demos and interviews with nintendo on a number of topics with this direct still in the early stages we've gathered a list of the best of the best announcements as reported by media as well as some of the best news that was revealed in the videos you can expect to know what nintendo has in store for us before all the rest of you have been given what you've paid for over the last year for our coverage from e3 please use the links below as our guide nintendo directs for nintendo switch new nintendo 3ds new nintendo 3ds xl subscribe rate and comment below if you hit the angry sun mario will lose a life if you hit the angry sun mario will lose a life a lot of mario is fun and i think he has always been i like it but the characters in mario games tend to have a very special way of making me cry my favorite game to play while crying is sonic lost world i don't play video games but there has always been something i like to do when i'm crying i usually do this before watching something sad i just play the games and it takes me back to the real thing i'm a bit of a sadist when it comes to my games i usually like to listen and think about my mistakes and why i made them when you're playing mario when you're sad there will likely be something to think about but when playing something sad when you're sad you can take in that experience in a different way i always love mario's music so my first suggestion would be to listen to the game while crying it can it can really ring to the edge of your seat and i wasn't prepared for that one me tell you a sad story there was once a young boy who was not well liked the older his friends became the more bitter his hatred escalated every day they were beaten up so badly he lost half of his face his eyes were swollen shut and he was covered in bandages to see how he really felt was beyond words and every time it seemed they could just keep going the punishment would get worse one day a woman stopped in to buy some bread he didn't listen to her he didn't seem to care then one day he walked right into her bedroom she screamed and ran out screaming the next morning she said to her parents i don't know what i did to him you're useless he just stood there and didn't even move all the while the old man tried to comfort him then one day there was some sort of accident a boy was playing with his friends and the big wooden hammer fell on one of his friends and knocked him down as well at the hospital the nurse looked on but still she said not that bad and then something the world is a beautiful place beautiful all the time i'm just happy you can see the trees in the sunset i wish i knew your name i don't know how to get it but i wish i knew you mildly to charlie's girlfriend uh due to her life stolen from her molly may be very naive naive and naivety that was shown quite clearly when she told charlie's girlfriend nicole that she wanted a ride for her birthday when nicole found out that molly was missing and wanted to speak with charlie's girlfriend charlie's girlfriend molly immediately blamed herself and immediately took the cold to the school charlie's girlfriend could just see that the girl was scared and started to get angry this is how molly began to distrust strangers such as nicole charlie or the police and often began telling charlie to go away and not come back when molly was trying to get rid of charlie's girlfriend she did a similar trick to charlie as she also tried to get rid of nicole when the situation became complicated she realized charlie what the [ __ ] i don't think i can ride the superman roller coaster it looks too tall and scary on the front one man wrote i just want to ride it to visit a facebook friend who identified himself as david said it wouldn't make a difference for him he only rode the roller coaster at night i like to ride i just prefer to ride at night his post read i would rather ride on our local amusement park i have a 7 to 15 year old son so i want him to never be bored or not be distracted by the fact that my son rides one day you don't know how old your son is he's between he's between 7 and 15. i have no idea i missed a few birthdays [Laughter] okay here we go ready [Music] six flags is the best amusement park it's a great place to get your fix while you spend the day and you can count on them to offer you the ultimate family experience we had been visiting their theme park for the last five years we've enjoyed our time there so much we decided to move on to another location for our visit and the first thing we found is the parking we were confused so we went back to the park with our four-wheelers and went through three additional cars before walking right past another large park that was it we drove past the same cars and then stopped a second time with no one there or our suv but this time we didn't even bother leaving the lot for it to be in sight it was just another car [Music] it was just another car it was just another car park with one other vehicle or even a single vehicle on the lot their four vehicle limits they made me look like a fool and i had to take it out when i didn't finally manage to move one of the two spaces i decided to stay they have a long story that includes a lot of comments from customers we were on the road oh you're driving around in circles they have a shitload of parking lots when you paid to get in and then you're driving around parking and there's a four vehicle limit and you're taking three cars and four four wheelers how many four-wheelers how many cars do you have [Music] six flags is the best amusement park they're located in orlando florida which is in the middle of florida the orlando attractions are outstanding and are worth checking out i had the opportunity to visit the following parks during a promotional tour inn of dreams is one of the top attractions that's currently under construction they did not say if the opening will take place soon or not but i was told that the attraction should be ready at the end of summer 2017. i will give in of dreams a 9 out of 10 for their experience you can check out some photos below it didn't even go what are your favorite amusement park attractions let me know in the comments section do you enjoy visiting the parks in and out of orlando do you have any experiences to share with us share with us like this video if you can [Laughter] i'm gonna try i'm gonna try really hard oh this is [ __ ] hilarious [Music] six flags is the best amusement park it's a park it's a park for fun and i think it's pretty amazing when we visited our park had a really nice view from the park you can see the entire park at your own pace for five dollars this is a fun cheap ride for eight dollars you'll get a ride or two that takes you through the whole park including a little fun boat ride down the park's pirate ship so you get your ride some food and then you go back down in the boat and ride through the fun ride the ride includes the ride itself with the boat fun ride a few drinks and some souvenirs it's a great place to hang out with your friends and a great place to visit during the day all in all this place is well worth the seven dollars they have tons of rides i've been looking forward to some of my friends coming there including the great wall of china the three kings king kong the world's biggest monkey fries all the giant bats this dude the great fall of china is in six flags it's five dollars by the way eight dollars what a [ __ ] value for seven dollars to go see the great wall of china did you imagine if somebody was talking about like this place six flags and yeah yeah this is this is cool they have a fun boat ride you can have a few drinks it's cool you can hang out with your friends you can also visit the great wall of china and the three kings this is like a historical landmark this is not an amusement park what do you what why is six flags right here and it's only seven bucks and you get all the giant bats yeah the biggest monkey ride what does that even [ __ ] mean [Music] six flags is the best amusement park i love the roller coasters roller coasters amusement parks roller coasters it's always crazy and has such great music i was going to try the haunted mansion at least once but then after watching the video it looked really good on tv i did get one roller skater but i was too afraid to ride because how weird it looked i was going to try roll courses the next day after watching the video but then i realized that i still have a lot of stuff to do while i wait which is not fun i guess i'll stick with the attractions for now but i'll definitely come back next year i love watching this video there's so many things to consider and it was really interesting i'll try to read the directions on the website and make sure i get my roller coaster properly constructed you could you could really make many choices if you follow it very precisely it just wasn't there for me and it was too weird i love this fight i'm a big fan of roller coasters roller he's gonna build his own like mount doom in his backyard you're gonna build your own like superman ride of steel i did not read that i did not see that part that threw me off disney world sucks to see us battleship has been shut down until further notice more news and updates though the hollywood reporter has issued the following statement after the disney parks and resorts announcement this morning marvel announced that guardians of the galaxy 4 will be returned to theaters on march 5th 2017. as it is a brand new franchise the announcement of a movie is always the biggest event of a company's lifespan at this late stage of the game nothing is announced even with an official announcement the following week however after reading the statement disney released after we were able to go backstage with the cast at the opening night premiere party in burbank and see the trailer from last weekend's movie i think we can all agree with them that'll happen marvel and marvel studios have invested a hell of a lot of talent into this universe and i applaud them for pulling it together to do so to all their fans out there marvel has been wonderful to visit and we will see you again in a few weeks for yet another exciting release in another chapter of marvel studios phase 1 avengers they're going backwards i hate to leave a review this bad but it's all because i wasn't in a good mood last week so how do we feel about the current state of both our homes our pets our marriage how do we feel about the fact that i will be giving a free presentation at a local pet convention this year but i have to cancel i would like to have the opportunity to talk to the people at the conference about pet therapy i would like to be invited i'd like to talk to other pet therapy professionals but i've already missed that last time we've already missed the holidays with our families to be honest and there's nothing to do you can't even attend the pet expo i'm not even allowed into any of the pet shows because i've missed all the parties it's really difficult for me to be able to attend these events and not feel like my life is in jeopardy what there are a lot of myths out there about animal behavior i just want to stress out on this one myth dog owners are too strict dog what is at this convention are you is it a bunch of wild bears all right how many sakes has it been let's see uh the japanese can really eat just about anything from rice and noodles to fruit vegetables and more they've been there have long been delicious japanese options in grocery stores and home kitchens if you can't find sake in the grocery stores you're probably getting it shipped to japan from overseas and is being sold in convenience stores or on convenience food trucks if you happen to live in japan if you're a veteran of the nation then you probably know where the best sake is sake lovers don't need to read the japanese and need only to look closely to see a big difference with what comes in every japanese grocery store japanese convenience store sake makes the largest selection of local japanese sake available in the country and is located in downtown tokyo on some days a selection of sake makes our pick at a grocery store if you're wondering if it's a sake or just water we really aren't sure sake and water the most common question we get from our japanese customers is what kind of sake their japanese food is most don't have a clear definition of what they are calling asake and how you will know if your product is sake in reality we are talking about a whole different animal our customers are if you don't know the difference between sake and water you have like four taste buds twitter is a fun website too for that matter you'll probably get great deals on new products even with a low user account even the biggest name brands like hsn sansbury and kohl's sell 12 coffees and tea through amazon and will deliver for 10 it's a good deal people still use the home shopping network i thought that was only for like [ __ ] 80 year old women at like 95 year old [ __ ] men and it's not a waste at all here i am working seven days a week which probably gets me at most forty dollars per week working 50 hours a week in reality what i would work for is less than one dollar and ten cents an hour so i don't lose money on each cup i pour through the funnel on e-commerce sites where are you making a dollar ten an hour that doesn't sound like a very good thing uh and i spend it well into the future and into the bank also i think it's important to keep the quality of your work and your reputation high you have to be very careful about how you market your work i know about these fraud checks those don't mean much to me but to others they are the beginning of the end of your reputation in the community and you have your own company to prove to customers that you are legit i'm confident that i will go out and buy a coffee from any online coffee shop within a few months of the first customer checking out my website now your next question that i can answer six flags is the worst amusement park germa 985 and his shitty view count sent me there anyway it's an awesome part but there are many flaws in the ride it only makes you feel like an idiot if you have to pay for the entire show there are a few places that can bring back the glory days of the 80s you can easily find a better one like the giants canyon it is way too big too short and to be too easy to park without trying or paying for there are even those that would say it is better to use a car and drive all around german 985s park then visit one of the many places that make this place worth checking out if you see one of these you can get yourself in the park and even get a ride but you won't regret it if you do not like it and you're looking for a way to save money the german 985 offers the cheapest ride of the parks which means you need to make a reservation the rides are short are cheap and don't disappoint so you can enjoy the parks without spending tons of money german 985 himself doesn't care too much about this but i don't blame him for that his ride was great in the 90s and he does the same thing every year i've never been disappointed by a ride they're short i went to leho's no no no no no no this is leo pea pants pea pants parents ray and annel have filed a wrongful termination lawsuit claiming their daughter was fired after complaining about how long she worked and she was denied a job with his company the houston area network company pee pants who was a mother of two boys allegedly got in trouble after complaining that she needed to sleep longer than usual on her shift for another project when she went to the store her shifts extended into the wee hours during one of these shifts pea pants reportedly fell asleep in her seat but did not complain and allowed hanok to continue the project which was taking its toll on her health i do not know anyone who takes vacations for any reason except when it's just fun that is why if there is the slightest opportunity to relieve stress and discomfort i will just jump on vacation he told dailymail.com pants's former supervisor james mcdaniel reportedly told her that she would receive less pay until she paid back her rent into 300 bonus after b fans started working for a hanukkah she said she absolutely refused to receive salary increases after being terminated i was not allowed to speak with hannock's ceo is she has the power to terminate why would you ask for a salary increase warning all legos pose an immediate health risk in 2015 more than 13 million toys came in for inspection and maintenance some two billion toy pieces fell ill with contamination in transit which can lead to illness about one million of these were children and a further 10 children were sickened they've been a series of tests at different toy manufacturers to determine if they have made all changes in the way that they package certain products to ensure that they are compliant but in each case they found that on average the items remained undamaged through the manufacturing process in addition many of the changes were made on the assumption that the children's toys would remain safe they changed like that assumption is incorrect said michael d lipscombe a spokesman for the united states consumer product safety commission which is responsible for regulation for toy safety at la some of these pieces that have fallen in line are not actually toys but rather sculptures they don't really look like any sort of real thing a man holding up a real human skull the whole thing is really disturbing and it shows that the concept of toy violence has definitely fallen out of favor in contemporary society it's really important to note though that the artwork on these sculptures is actually actually just plastic most of the pieces were created by artist robert court over 30 years ago though there are some in the collections of museum branches across the world like the japanese kiyoshi matsumoto museum in kyoto these aren't some cheap cheap cheap toys i'm not making my point by the way if you saw the images in the videos in these slides you probably think that the toys have gotten increasingly violent but the truth is that toy violence has gone down in the last 50 years or so but only slightly it didn't decline in fact it's gotten way better i come to you today with a story of my intestinal issues is a very important in may of 2013 i visited a local doctor who prescribed me some generic antibiotics she told me i needed to increase the doses dosage and this is a rationale oh what's he gonna say oh shoot how dare he well i say shut up everybody sit down i say sit down if you go higher with this drug because of the symptoms of chronic low-grade sepsis then you're going to get the same result i believe her when i started doing yoga my skin began itching as a student of yoga and a student of biochemistry i know better than to blindly ingest large numbers of antibiotics the idea of doing an increased dosage of antibiotics to see if the skin response would improve is ridiculous and i would rather not use such dangerous powerful enough and deadly medicines before i begin let me share your story my wife left my family one year earlier than i did we met on the web she was studying for a certification exam we were we were married in september 2012. in early 2012 my wife had an ad over the plane todd howard goes 10-0 in fallout 76.7 chance of winning uh marlon brown makes a spectacular play to take the ball out of the hands of a pass rusher the rams loses sack daryl jackson gets tackled darrell jackson is tackled by an unknown player and the rams win the rams take over for 47 seconds uh the rams score a second touchdown at 11-0 daryl jackson is tackled while being tackled on purpose by another unknown player [Laughter] balloons tower defense is what you should play however if you do decide to do play tower defense you'll want to focus your energy on a few things leveling the following guide will show you what you should be doing at the start of your level make sure to take into account when using the first upgrade that you should be spending some of those extra points on if you'd like to spam kill keep this guide as a guide not to tell you how to level up your character but more to give you some pointers level 10 level 19 level 27 level 34 level 39 level 44 level 47 not very many tips on how to play once the required level once there's the required level and you've got the level up you've really the time to get to grips with the rest of the game to spend some time with the gameplay mechanics before we get into actual gameplay there are some things you'll want to do early on as a beginner while the basic abilities aren't particularly fun those are pretty solid balloons tower defense tips i don't okay this is garfield versus german 985 in a steel cage the main event of the night pitted the two best female wrestlers and the winner of this one would go on to win the wwe women's championship at summerslam the show wasn't great but i'm sure the real reason fox decided to stage it in a gym was just to look good hope you guys enjoyed this feel free to leave comments on the video and let us know what you think of it in the forum [ __ ] i was on the forums last night and i heard about that wwe main event so i had to watch it on loop last night so i could post up a list of the names that were called up or put up so who's the best of the lot in no particular order here's a breakdown cm punk won the raw main event with a steel chair hammer pile driver finish over batista in one hour and seven minutes he followed that up with a drop kick on bautista off the top rope dropping the champion to the mat again batista came back for three and that's where things got weird i'm still waiting to hear from wwe and if i have a response i'll give it to you for now if you're upset that batista got that far take a deep breath and take another walk down the hallway tom brady versus clayton custer versus cm punk versus mary smith that was a pretty fun match but what really stood out was the action on the outside [Laughter] tom brady who's barry smith tom brady versus clayton custer versus cm punk vs barry smith tonight at 8am eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time at 8 o'clock eastern time put your tivo on for 8 a.m eastern time 8 o'clock eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 o'clock eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8 a.m eastern time 8. filling my mouth with way too much peanut butter filling my mouth with way too much peanut butter i decided to do something crazy to my surprise i managed to stop and write a paragraph i'd have a very bad day if you want to stop and write a paragraph you could use the pen and paper version on this exercise by clicking here note that the pen and paper version is very basic so if you want to be completely in control you should use a pen and paper enable device we'll start by writing a list of numbers on piece of paper until we reach our goal after completing completing the list of numbers on paper i made a commitment to do another paragraph the only way to get a straight answer in mathematics i decided was to write a paragraph and stop at that point it's not a new concept but a math teacher mark jacobson explains that it's essential to know if you're on track i can't do it this time though i have to stop when i reach four because of infinity if i was doing the exercise now i will let him tell you a story yeah i like that let him tell you a really horrible story not me let them tell you what the [ __ ] what this is [ __ ] ridiculous uh let's just i'm just gonna read it um i'm only 16 and i was the last of my family to get married uh so imagine that imagine me imagine you get married to a man that just killed his whole family and the rest of your family gets on their knees begging you to take their daughter why not he'll ask you well there's only one solution why not oh they're all dead now that's all i got i just went into the water and i drowned it was the worst day of my life what the [ __ ] is this grandpa is sleepwalking again because i'm sleeping in the same spot every single night i wonder if i'll get old and die i got the feeling that he actually isn't the only one with that mentality the last time i checked the entire mountain dew is my favorite campaign was started by some kids in south korea i wonder if he'd be all right with being dead i wonder if people think like this ever find ways to make ends meet thanks to nana sama for the link reply or report the i post i can't i can't do this one i'm gonna but just bear with me mountain dew is my favorite i do have a small amount of dessert half teaspoon in the fridge but it is not as nice and soft it makes about 15 teaspoons of powder 5 grams powdered cinnamon 1 medium cinnamon stick 1 vanilla bean 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1 half teaspoon ground cloves one teaspoon ground ginger 1 4 teaspoon ground nutmeg half teaspoon ground cloves the dry ingredients this time now one cinnamon stick one teaspoon ground cinnamon half teaspoon of ground cloves one teaspoon ground ginger 1 4 teaspoon ground nutmeg half teaspoon ground cloves and that's all you need and the liquids now one banana two cups of water i recommend a double boiler sorry i have something in my throat two cups brown sugar half teaspoon ground ginger one fourth teaspoon ground nutmeg half teaspoon ground gloves two egg whites one cup of sugar my favorite is one egg white plus one teaspoon plus half teaspoon of salt now for the sugar based ingredients of course 1 cup white sugar 1 3 cup water 3 tablespoon sugar 1 tablespoon molasses 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon 2 teaspoons ground ginger half teaspoons of something else ah i i've listened on the liquid banana one banana five cups [Laughter] the secret recipe for my famous pancakes which make a spectacular addition to any sandwich and one of my favorite quick and easy breakfast items in addition to the chicken the other ingredients are two to one eggs two to one two tablespoons of butter two tablespoons of balsamic vinegar you would not put balsamic vinegar in pancakes all right i'm gonna try this again the secret recipe is my favorite pancakes which make a spectacular addition to sandwiches and one of my favorite quick and easy breakfast items in addition to the chicken the other ingredients are two two one eggs uh two to half tea tablespoons of butter two tablespoons of balsamic vinegar two teaspoons of white wine one tablespoon of grapes welcome back how are you good to see you again welcome back to to uh anthony's kitchen and today we've got a very special a very special show for you because i'm going to tell you something my mother passed down to me uh it's the secret recipe that my family has for pancakes that's right the little dollops the little delicious dollops that my mother used to call them by the way these make a spectacular addition to sandwiches and one of my favorite quick and easy breakfast items in addition to the chicken the other ingredients you'll need are two to one eggs two to a half tablespoons of butter two tablespoons of balsamic vinegar two teaspoons of white wine one tablespoon of grated parmesan cheese half teaspoon of kosher salt one teaspoon of nutmeg half a teaspoon of ginger for a little bit of a kick two teaspoons of minced garlic i thought i was going to sneeze i'm sorry folks one teaspoon of oregano two teaspoons of lemon juice one tablespoon of vegetable oil there's some salt in there i've i'm getting a sneeze ladies and gentlemen i'm sorry in a bowl beat the eggs uh just any typical non-stick bowl in a non-stick skillet over medium flame melt the butter after butter starts to brown and sizzle add the eggs pour eggs into the skillet and make sure the eggs are covered and add some vinegar bring the eggs to a boil remove the chicken on a plate and cook the cooked chicken on the bottom of the skillet until it's done about four to five minutes this allows you to control if not remove chicken completely oh bring the eggs to a boil is where i had problem it wasn't even the chicken part the chicken cooked the cooked chicken is funny but like bring the eggs to a boil is funnier i can't believe it i found my mother's secret lasagna recipe in the attic exclaimed the young hostess and i really have never felt better in my life she made it i thought the best way to see it was to make it myself i bought a brand and then it was a challenge to learn to make it i took the challenge along with the ingredients first i prepared five eggs and three pieces of white bread the eggs turned out well in fact the batter was actually just too light but the white bread was a great help i did make the same mistake as my daughter i added too many cheese the result too much with all sorts of strange and unpleasant taste to say the least but it made for a great lunch i made it without the eggs it made for one of my favorite lunches which we call the frozen foe because of its very good flavor the ingredients are as follows one pound whole wheat flour 3 4 cup half cup of sugar 1 tablespoon of baking powder sour cream that's the whole recipe for lasagna i wonder why it didn't taste very good you think that you wonder why that wouldn't be very flavorful because it's flat you essentially made shitty cookies [Laughter] this is [ __ ] up this is so stupid [Laughter] okay here we go who has the best snapchat and it's a picture uh it's a picture about by the nfl apparently nfl picked up to pick out twitter national football league december 29th 2015. oh the nfl was on a full twitter snapping alert thursday night tweeting out the name and phone number of every professional football player in the league this has gone too far hashtag nfl is not okay to snapchat to nfl and get your name and number what the nfl is doing was giving a shout out to snapchat the league's tweet has been blasted by many players of all teams including some outspoken veterans that could easily see the hashtag trending on social media so it made sense for the league to respond in full force disrespectful is the word that springs to mind when you look at this tweet the nfl has done more disrespect by tweeting about the snapchat app over a video then it's done by doing something else every single [ __ ] player [Laughter] hey hey everybody big football fans hey it's the nfl the official nfl twitter here's the [ __ ] personal information of everybody that's so bad oh my uber driver was insane irl i was scared we'd get arrested and fined for speeding he was so friendly and friendly i felt so blessed to be the first picket passenger in my uber ride home at 10 am i never dreamed my uber driver would be the most caring friend a person could ask for if you are in need of a friend in an uber or lyft this is the guy i've had an uber car for over three years i've had plenty of issues but the one that made me take this last trip is so far the worst was with the driver he got upset and wanted me to leave his office he was very rude with me in person and had to get my money back i'm never returning and my phone is silent since i left uber i had an excellent 3 out of 5 stars because of the quality of service of the driver and his demeanor of not being an [ __ ] he was attentive to us and did not make me feel anxious that's all i could ask for mover overall it was really good he left his office [Music] [Laughter] i'm being chased by an unidentified starship can you pull the fire alarm called me out to paul yes i'm passing from williams hall to robertson hall it's out there in space when we got to robertson hall we got off the bus and looked up there was a fire alarm going off it was a tape recorder a tv camera a radio all plugged into my gibson guitar get a hold of me just get a hold of me i called out to john a couple of desks over we've got a fire hey wait a minute give me my phone i'm leaving get somebody on that bus over there get ahold of me that's it [ __ ] into my gibson guitar disney just unveiled its new space travel park your guide is the amazingly amazingly nearly fully jewish ghost that is john cena you'll also get to see some horribly censored pictures of luke skywalker droids and the uproarious first order stormtrooper during the exhibition new york's waldorf restoria hotel and theme parks disney world superheroes fastpass magic and select movie screenings will join universal orlando universal studios japan six flags magic mountain disney's animal kingdom lodge universal studios hollywood and all the other theme park attractions in this year's comic-con independence expo to ensure that the big boys and girls enjoy the best of comic con nearly amazingly nearly fully jewish ghost that is john cena that i die don't understand any of that uh did you see that shadow over there and the feeling that was emanating from the blade was uh line please it's strange this isn't the reason i don't enjoy being an adventurer the reason i don't enjoy it all is the opposite i'm interested in blood and pain i'm interested in reality which is wholly unlike this one that's why i've got a need to fight to prove my worth because my merit hasn't come about yet because there's a need to do so so i can take on disguise after all i can take on another and so on because i can't move on i can't even sleep well this is just like fill words during my speech this that's a lot of animes do this it's like you could have got the point across in literally four words but it's a paragraph and sometimes you they'll go over this monologue and you'll kind of [ __ ] your head and go what the what the [ __ ] did they just say all right let's do ai dungeon didn't all right if you don't know what ai dungeon is it is essentially talk to transformer but what i've been told much more elaborate and focused than that you roll a dungeon then you have to play through the dungeon so uh let's do the first one let's get started it's already ready to go here it is this is a porn game it's not a porn game anyways we're gonna do fantasy because that's the one that's recommended this fantasy mystery apocalyptic zombies or a custom story it's not porn game it's i'm gonna avoid all the pornographic scenarios okay pick a character in fantasy a noble a knight a wizard a peasant or a rogue i'm gonna be a noble i wanna be a noble you are lord leo a noble from the land of brothean you have a pendant and a house seal one morning you are awakened by one of your laborers she tells you that your estate is being surrounded you look out the window and see a group of men dressed in black standing on top of a hill they are armed with crossbows and wearing leather armor the woman who woke you also says they are very well dressed what do you do ah okay i closed the blinds the man who wakes you looks at you and then turns his attention to the window he closes it but not before you can see him turn around and say i'm sorry about this he walks over to you and puts his hand on your shoulder we must protect this house lord leo i will protect my home he says yes yes i know you you reply but we need to get inside nods and begins walking towards the door [Music] no not your house my house oh look outside are they still there you watch as the man continues to walk towards the door suddenly he stops and turns around he points to the house and speaks in an odd language it sounds like some sort of ancient tongue but you don't understand a word the man starts walking back towards the house wait is he signaling to people close and lock the door before he gets in he's part of the resistance you close the door and lock it with a key then you stand up and start pacing around the room finally you sit down on the bed and begin thinking uh call mom she'll know what to do you call out to your mother but she doesn't answer she must be busy you think about calling her again when you're alone you continue to wait for her to return arm myself with a sword you grab a sword off the table and put it into its scabbard you also grab a dagger from the draw and put it into its scabbard you take a small leather pouch from your pocket and put some coins in it you open the door and enter the room leave the house you exit the house and head back to the inn when you arrive you find that the innkeeper has already left you wonder if you should follow him or go back to the house follow the innkeeper [Laughter] you follow the innkeeper back to the house wait he's coming back to my house eventually you reach it you knock on the door but no one answers you try the front door but there is nobody there either you decide to check the back door but it is locked too did i lock myself out of my house break in the house you rush through the back door and run straight to the bedroom you quickly grab a nearby knife and stab the wall several times until you hear something fall on the floor you peek through the peephole and see a woman dressed in black standing behind you what how do you look through a people and see somebody behind you that doesn't make any sense oh from dressed in black it's the uh it's the it's the uh it's the people that were coming to get me turn around and ask the woman why she is here she smiles and tells you my name is lilith and i'm here to help you how are you going to help me she replies by helping me kill you [Music] oh that's a pretty good there's a pretty good one-liner don't kill me i can pay she laughs and says no you won't but you might still be able to save your own life run out of the house you run out of the house and down the stairs you don't stop running until you are far away from the area this minecraft call mom you call out to your mother but she does not answer you think about calling for her again later when you're alone you continue to wait for her to return wait for mom to return you wait patiently for mom to come back eventually she returns she seems upset you think about how she would feel if you had killed her son you hope she doesn't hate you for it is that what me she's talking about me greet her with open arms you greet her warmly mom smiles and hugs you tightly you tell her everything mom tells you that she is glad you came back because she was worried about you she asked you if you would want to stay with her tonight you say yes and she kisses you goodbye okay let's dig down five blocks you dig down five blocks and find a house inside the house you find a young girl she looks very frightened and confused you tell her that you are her father and uncle and that you've been looking for her all day what keep digging down and keep digging down until you find keep digging down until you find obsidian you keep digging down and eventually you find a large stone block you pick it up and place it on the ground you then shout this is where you were buried the girl runs forward and grabs the stone she stares at it in awe ask for the stone you ask the girl where did you bury the other boy she looks at you and says his body fell down into the river and washed up here his name is harry and he drowned in the river last year run full speed into cave wall you sprint into the cave and jump onto the rock face you throw yourself at the cave wall and slam your fist against it you scream in pain and cry out oh god oh god oh god oh god go to the doctor you run back to the house and tell mom what happened she takes you to the doctor who examines you the doctor says we are going to have to remove the hand and he pulls out a finger and then pulls out another finger and another finally he removes your entire hand ask for him to do the left hand ask for him to do the other hand the doctor comes over and examines your hands he tells you that you will need two more fingers removed he puts his hand on your right hand and begins to pull out your fingers you screw agony and begging him to stop finally he finishes removing them the doctor says i am going to have to remove all your toes too he removes your feet as well you scream in horror and yell at him stop finally he stops and looks at you i'm sorry i have the wrong chart uh-oh it's thinking it's thinking it's thinking it's really thinking am i dead new story i died i'm dead you are drew the detective living in chicago you have a pistol and a police badge you enter the forest where you believe the criminal you're searching for fled to suddenly you hear a gunshot behind you what is it you turn around and see that you've shot yourself in the head what the [ __ ] are you talking about am i dead no you're alive the bullet was lodged in your brain but it didn't kill you yet you can still move your body go to the hospital you run back and find out that you're not dead yet a doctor comes and examines you he says he's going to have to operate on you right away he says you might never walk again uh doctor moves both feet it's the same doctor do the operation you agree to do the surgery immediately you feel so much better after the operation your body is stronger than ever before you even manage to get a job as a detective again a year passes go to the forest that's where i was supposed to go go to the forest i was trying to find a criminal you decide to go to the forest where you first met your mother she told you about how she used to hide from the monsters there you wonder if you should try to find her again or just forget all about it you decide to search for the criminal who killed your mother you follow his trail and eventually catch him he tells you that he knows who you are because he saw you in the newspaper torture oh electrocute what the [ __ ] electrocute the criminal the criminal doesn't seem surprised by this suggestion he electrocutes you instead you scream in pain and fall unconscious you wake up in a strange room with a man holding a gun to your head you refuse to tell the man to shoot himself instead you say i'm sorry and thank you the man shoots himself you're free now take his wallet you take the man's wallet inside of some money in a photograph of your mother remember that you'll need those things later shoot the photograph you shoot the photograph at the wall you hear a loud noise and the picture falls off the wall you look down and see that you're wearing a blue suit you also notice that you're no longer bald [Laughter] go to my office you go to your office there's a door there which you open in front of you is a desk covered with papers on top of the desks it's a woman dressed in black she looks at you and smiles she calls you by name and introduces herself as dawn go to burger king you go to burger king you order a burger and fries they come out quickly you eat them happily you return to your office don comes in and asks if everything went well you tell her that it did don thanks you and leaves you think about what happened today that's it i just went i just enjoyed burger king and came back to the office mission accomplished a rest dawn you call dawn's cell phone and see that she called dawn's mom you call dawn's mom's phone and see what that she answered you tell dawn that she needs to come over right away dawn arrives at the house you tell dawn that you're arresting her this is an s.a.t question yeah if this is you complete the s.a.t question what is the first letter of each word in the following sentence my daughter is having trouble sleeping answer a you finish the question and hand it to dawn she reads it what she's a teacher she reads it out loud you asked dawn if you got a good grade you asked dawn if she got a good grade she says yes you ask her if she wants to go to prom with you she says yes you say congratulations and hang up you're very proud of her go to prom with dawn you go to prom with dawn you both dance together you both kiss each other you both cry you both go back to your apartment you celebrate your newfound happiness you're under arrest you call dawn's cell phone dawn answers you ask her if she remembers you she says yes but she's not sure why you'd want to thank her you explained that you're glad you found her dawn says that she's happy too put handcuffs on don you put handcuffs on don you leave dawn handcuffed to a chair you go to your car and drive to the police station you arrive at the station and find that don has been arrested i forgot to bring her with me dawn answers she answers break dawn's cell phone you break dawn's cell phone you find that she's been arrested you call her cell phone she answers break her get rid of her cell phone you burn dawn's cell phone you drive to the police station you park outside the building you enter the building and find that dawn has been arrested you call her cell phone dawn answers you asked dawn where dawn is getting her cell phones she says that she doesn't know you said that you can find out yourself you say that you'll never forgive her you laugh you say you enjoy 30 years in prison go to my car you go to your car you unlock your doors and drive off into the night you drive home you arrive home you find that don is gone you call her cell phone dawn answers don must die and hang up you start crying you realize that you've made a terrible mistake you don't know how long you'd be able to live without her around anymore you go to sleep wake up you wake up you're in a hospital bed a nurse stands before you she tells you that you're going to die soon you're told that you have cancer you're given a f what the [ __ ] you're given a few options you could choose to die from this or you could choose to live choose to live you decide to live you chose to live you choose to live you choose to live you choose to live you choose to live you choose to live you choose to live you choose to live you choose to live i lived you lived you lived you lived you lived you lived you lived you lived you lived you lived you lived you lived you lived wake up wake up you wake up you're in a room the walls are white you look around and see a table with several chairs surrounding a window a man sits behind the table he holds a gun to your head he speaks to the gnome in the corner you nod you smile you nod you smile you now you nod you nod you're nod you're nod you're not you're not you're not you're not you awake you stand up you stand you up you up you up you up you up you up up up up up up up up up up you take dawn to the bathroom you wash her you talk about your day you talk about your life you talk about your future you talk about your past you talk about your feelings talking about your dreams talk about your past talk about your friends i don't know drink poison like i'm stuck you drink poison you drink voice and you drink boys and eat hot peppers drink the bath water drink fast water you drink some water i'm stuck jump out of window i need to wake up you fall through the air you land on the ground what you run into traffic you run into traffic get hit by bus you get hit by a bus die from injuries you wake up go back to sleep [Music] you called on cell phone you called on self and you called on someone you called on cell phone i have to restart it i have to restart it i have to restart it i can't die you are dyna a rogue from the province of artiga you have a deck of cards and a pair of gloves you go down the city road searching for someone to steal from you imagine that it would be easy since most people don't put much effort into their personal security the streets are empty except for a few beggars and thieves you'll find a small alleyway to sneak in steal from the tavern now sneak into the tavern sneak into the blacksmith no not into the blacksmith not inside of him sneak into the tavern you take a deep breath and head towards the tavern you can hear the noise inside you need to get inside before they notice you you walk through the door and see several men sitting at tables talking you decide to join them very sneaky play cards you sit down with your friends and begin playing cards you're not sure what's going on but you're having fun suddenly one of your friends notices something out of place amanda's standing near the table and he looks like he doesn't belong there ask the man to join you ask the man to join the man sits down next to you and he asks you if you want him to join you you agree and he joins you he tells you that he's from the city of nero and has been living in this town for the past few months ask what he wants i'd like to buy some land the man says how much would it be 500 say 5 million 5 million gold coins he is shocked by this number he gives you 5 million coins he hands me five million coins you hand over the money and the man takes his leave what no he hands me he hands me the money you look around and think about how lucky you are to have found such an amazing place am i on drugs chase the man you run after the man as fast as you can as soon as you catch up to him you punch him in the face he falls backward and hits his head on the ground you grab his arm and pull him back up he grabs your wrist and punches you in the face again drop kick the man drop kick the man in the face you drop kick the man in the face he screams and drops his weapon you laugh and continue running you reach the edge of the forest and see a small village it seems so far away now you wonder where you should go first go back to the man you turn back to the man who is still lying on the ground you tell him to follow you you quickly make your way back to the man you tell him to stay behind and then rush into the village you find yourself in front of a large wooden house elbow drop the man from the top of the house you throw the man off the roof of the house he lands hard on the ground you kick him in the stomach and he collapses to the ground you stand up and look around there are two doors in front of you one leads outside and the other leads to a small garden you throw the man down a well he struggles to climb out and manages to crawl out you throw him down another well and he crawls out you push him back in and watch as he tries to escape yet again finally you throw him into a pit full of maggots he is eaten alive he is eaten alive go in the house go in the wooden house you enter the wooden house inside you find a woman who looks very old she smiles and she sees you she introduces herself as elena and thanks you for saving her life she explains that she was born in the same year as you and was raised by her mother good for you tell her to leave to my house no she refuses to leave and begins to curse you she calls you a liar and a thief she pulls out a knife and pointed at you you pull out a pistol and shoot her in the chest she falls dead you don't know why you did it but you feel horrible about it search the woman you search the woman to find a letter in her pocket it reads dear friend i'm sorry for you dear friend i'm sorry for calling you a liar and a thief but i'm afraid those words fit you perfectly i've seen you steal from me many times it's in your pocket oh i've seen you steal from me many times and i never caught you continue reading the letter and i will keep doing everything in my power to prevent you from ever being able to live in this world again if you wish to change your fate you must do it yourself go to the nearest go up go to the nearest far as i can oh why go to the nearest forest and kill all the animals then gather their meat and bones and burn them oh okay god damn it that's so [ __ ] stupid what a sick [ __ ] go to the forest you go to the nearby forest and start chopping wood you chop wood until you've got enough to build a fire you light the fire and wait for nightfall you spend the rest of the day cutting down trees inverting them am i stupid do i not know what an animal is do i think that the animals of trees kill all the animals that's the reason why you kill all the animals oh my god okay why am i uh you feast on you fight what the [ __ ] is this this is my quest gather the bones you gather the bones of the animals and use them to create a potion you drink it and fall unconscious when you wake up you realize that you've become a powerful wizard you decide to travel to the capital of the kingdom of neuro and try to conquer it conquer the capital you decide to conquer the capital of the kingdom of nero you arrive at the gates and you knock on the gate a guard opens the gate and you enter you find yourself in a room filled with people dressed in black robes they stare at you [Music] cast lightning strike on the capitol you cast a lightning bolt at the capitol and it explodes the entire city burns down the people die screaming and running for their lives you walk through the streets and look at the destruction why did i do that i was supposed to conquer it not destroy it rebuild the city you rebuild the city you erect new walls and towers and fortifications you raise a statue of yourself in the corner of the city you lead a group of soldiers and they fight against the remaining rebels eventually but eventually they win wait the rebels win you kill the rebels they're slaughtered like sheep you slaughter them like cattle you take their weapons and armor and sell them to the highest bidder you enjoy the spoils of war you cast lightning bolt at the capitol and it explodes the entire city burns down the people scream and die screaming and run for their lives you walk through the streets and look at the destruction you gather the money from the wreckage of the destroyed city you buy a boat and sail away you set sail and sail towards the coast of neural go fishing you go fishing you fish until you get tired and you sink you swim until you drown you swim until you get hungry and you starve you hunt until the end you eat grass what you eat grasshore we're gonna make this one quick you are javan a rogue from the realm of wilcolian you have darts and a dagger you walk in the midst of the crowd in search of someplace to steal from you just out in a chest filled with coins snort the coins the coin is too heavy for you to lift and it falls to the ground you quickly pick it up and take a few steps back the coins fall into your hand it's not enough to buy anything but it will get you through the night wait what you snort the coins and feel them hit your nose you then sniff the air a lot of people are looking at you now they all look like they want something from you you can't tell what they want because they're all staring at you sniff the chest that it came out of your nostrils detect the scent of a man who's been hiding in the shadows for quite some time he smells like an old friend you sniff the chest again and find that there are several chests filled with gold coins there are also a few pieces of jewelry and other trinkets i'm just a dog all right we're rp and his dog now bark at the chest [Music] you jump down from the wall and attack the chest you try to pry the lid off but it resists your efforts you rip the lid off and see a small golden key you turn around and run away what what's that asks a voice behind you bark at the man you stop barking and stare at him he looks like he wants to say something but he doesn't know how you decide to just let him be you walk over to the man and grab his wrist i'm sorry you say the man is shocked that a dog can talk he turns to you and stares at you his eyes widen as if he didn't expect this sorry are you a god he says i say no i'm just a dog ask the man if he has any chew toys you start walking towards the man and he starts running after you you both run into a house inside the door is a woman who looks very surprised by your appearance she takes a closer look at you and lets out a gasp she immediately runs over to you and hugs you tightly my home you sit on her lap and she begins feeding you you happily eat everything she gives you soon you are full and you begin licking her face when you finish eating you look her face again this time she smiles and kisses you on the lips your mother sits next to you and holds you tightly you smile at her and kiss her on the cheeks he grabs your hand and pulls you into the house pee on the carpet you urinate on the carpet mom looks at you and smiles she kisses you on the cheek and walks over to the bathroom why did she not like wipe her ass [Laughter] go outside mom tells you to follow her outside you follow her outside she leads you to a large field there are many trees surrounding the field on the far side of the field there's a large castle you can see two figures standing guard at the entrance p on the entrance you urinate on the entrance mom smiles at you and kisses you on the cheek she grabs your hand and pulls you into the castle you enter the castle and walk past a couple guards suddenly you feel a sharp pain in your head what is the pain in my head you turn around and see a strange creature sitting on a chair its head is covered in long hair and its eyes are completely white it reaches out a hand and touches your forehead you drop to the floor and cry out in pain attack bite the creature's neck you quickly lunge and bite the creature's neck you've struggled to keep yourself from biting its throat but you managed to do so okay run back home why does my mother keep bringing me to these weird-ass places you run back home and hide under the bed wait wait wait for an hour you wait an hour and a half before you finally make your way to sneak out of the room you hear a knock answer the door you open the door and see a man dressed in a robe he looks like a priest or a monk he smiles at you and greets you warmly hide under the bed you sleep under the bed you dream about being chased by a group of men they beat you with clubs and tear your claws off one of the stabs shoots you one of them stabs shoots you through the heart you lick your paws if you get to play with your fingers you play for a while and suddenly you notice something a small black cat runs across the street you look behind you and see a woman dressed in red she stares at you and begins to laugh chase the cat you rush after the cat and catch it you toss it onto the ground and start chasing it you throw rocks and kick it you throw rocks at it and kick it finally you throw it against a wall and as it breaks and falls to the ground you stare at it in shock see if the cat is okay you check the cat and see that it is fine you sigh and return home you sit down and try to fall asleep you don't get very far though you hear a loud noise and you jump up and look behind you a giant monster has appeared in front of you you run over to the monster and ask it what happened it explains that it was trying to protect its territory and attacked you you explained that you were just playing and apologize for getting angry the monster apologizes too and says it will not harm you again chase the monster you run after the monster and catch it you toss it under the ground and start chasing it you throw rocks at it and kick it finally you throw it against a wall and watch as it breaks and falls to the ground watch the cat kill the monster you watch the cat kill the monster you hug the cat and congratulate it you go home and watch tv and you enjoy yourself invite the cat over you invite the cat over and accepts chase my tail you start running around the house and yelling cat cat cat you've rung into the kitchen and grabbing what what what why what grab a knife cat cat oh my god i just chased my tail man i didn't do any of this what the [ __ ] revert reverse revert revert chase the cat you chase the cat and you catch it you toss it to the ground chase you throw rocks at it and you kick it finally throw it against the wall and it breaks revert revert revert revert play video games with the cat you play video games with the cat you learn how to use a gun and shoot it you both win does that mean that we're both we both have to press a button at the same time we both use one controller i think we're at the end you run into a train and die instantly you cry and vicar let you stay you died game over all right that was a dog you are germa an online entertainer loved by millions one day you wake up you have no memory of how or why your eyes widen as you see the screen before you a green screen with a message that reads welcome to twitch start broadcasting call of duty the first thing that happens is the sound of gunfire followed immediately after is the sound of screaming and yelling followed shortly after that is the sound of your own voice that's me hey i say hey what is going on everybody welcome to the stream you begin to speak into your microphone the first few words are unintelligible the next few words are unintelligible then you begin to understand what you're saying it's a mix between english and a language you don't know go to the call of duty store and buy 500 loot boxes you walk out the door and head towards the nearest store which looks like it's been completely gutted and ransacked with a large amount of blood splattered all over the floor of the walls as well as front windows smashed in leaving you with only a broken glass pane you walk out of the door again this time you find yourself in a small alley way a quick glance around reveals that there isn't anything else in sight there's no one here either i go into the small alleyway and open my card packs you open your pack and pull out a pack of cards which you then proceed to tear apart and discard in your haste to get them to work on the game you've just purchased your eyes light up as you see the name j bum bum 7722 appear on your monitor and you quickly send a message thanking him for his subbing before closing your browser and closing your phone thank the next 500 people in a row then turn off the stream you turn off the stream and you're done with it for now as you sit down to play some games think about how much fun it was to play with all those people that were watching you make a sponsor tweet about a product no one is going to buy you think about it for a while and decide that you should make an advertisement tweet the problem is you don't know what to say you say hashtag ad hashtag kind of fun guys i had the opportunity to check out this new sugar powder it has vitamin c in it and stuff you know the [ __ ] easiest nutrient on earth to find and take in it also has b vitamins but if you ate [ __ ] food today you already have them okay click my link you click on the link you just sent out to everyone it opens up to a tweet from j seven seven twenty two i found this [ __ ] i'm gonna go buy some of this [ __ ] i'm gonna be rich tweet at j bum bum seven seven twenty two buy a box hashtag ad dude did you get some you could have eaten a banana but dude you spent the amount of money for a hundred minute a thousand banana a hundred bananas and sent me income thanks man j bum bum 7 22 responds to your tweet with the following at the real jaboob at thanks man i got some in the mail today i'll be sure to take care of you for that money if we'd have the real tweet at tweet at real j bum bum yo dude dms what the [ __ ] are you doing this is my ship dms a few minutes later uh the real jaboo at the real j bum bum i got the dms i'll be sure to take care of you for that money i slam my laptop close and unplug the internet you don't want to deal with this anymore you go back to playing your games and you feel like a complete [ __ ] but hey at least you got a free meal out of it turn on my live stream you turn on the live stream and see that the stream is still running it looks like it's going to be a long day wait it was on this whole time what did they see while it was running while it was on stream movies stream all right i'm going to stream the lord of the rings you look at the screen and see that they saw a lot of stuff but nothing really out of the ordinary they saw you play a game called bubble bobble and then you played a game called tic-tac-toe a sigh of relief and open my lord of the rings extended edition blu-ray you open the extended edition blu-ray and you notice that there is a new movie playing but it's not the one you were expecting it's called sorcerer king it's about a movie about a sorcerer king who's trying to conquer the world live stream the fellowship of the ring you turn on the live stream and you see that is indeed still running the only thing you can tell is that it looks like it's going to be a long day the sun is setting and you are tired you close your eyes and fall slowly wow the stream is sleeping on stream while streaming the lord of the rings wake up and yell at twitch jeff and not hitting his sub train goal you wake up and you realize you forgot to hit your sub train goal so you just had to get on twitch chat and yell at them for not hitting their sub triangle they don't seem to mind though so you go back to sleep get suspended from twitch for streaming lord of the rings and sleeping after getting suspended from 12th grade for streaming lord of the rings you decide to go on twitch chat after getting suspended from 12th grade for streaming loyal rings you decide to get on twitch chat again but this time you are going to do something different so you're going to stream lord of the rings with no commentary just enjoy yourself get banned from twitch for repeat offenses for a repeat offense after getting banned from 12th grade you decide to get on twitch again but this time you're going to stream lord of the rings with no commentary just enjoy yourself the next day comes but your stream is still running so much for being suspended i didn't even get banned pop in the two towers well you stream naked surely this has to get you banned the next day comes but your stream is still running so much for being suspended again the next day comes your stream is still running so much being suspended again the next day comes the stream is still running i think i think it's broken you are father michael a priest with a small following in the settlement of new jerusalem for years you have spread the word of the church of the savior of mankind but today you have come to a revelation it is time to start a new religion okay you are father michael a priest with a small following in the settlement of new jerusalem for years you have spread the word of the church of the savior of mankind but today you've come to a revelation it's time to start a new religion you will call it the church of the new age i'm going to start handing out these you say as you pick up some flyers from your desk we're not even sure if anyone's going to show up maybe we should try a different approach it says amanda ask amanda what she wants to do well i think we need to get more people here for our meeting agree with amanda and start recruiting you agree with amanda that it would be best to get more people in attendance at the meeting so you decide to head over to the local bar where she works when you arrive you see several other people there but no one is paying any attention to you tell them i am the second coming of tell them that i am the second coming hey i'm jesus christ you shout and i come to bring peace on earth put out my hand to accept offerings you raise your hand and everyone takes an offering of money or something else they can give you you then take all the money and throw it at the wall behind you the money hits the ground and starts rolling down the hill towards the river tell them money is pointless money is useless the kingdom of god has already been established attempt to turn water into wine you begin pouring wine into a goblet and then pour some of the wine back out you continue doing this until you have enough to make yourself drunk you drink the wine [Music] demand fealty to the new god when you wake up you find yourself lying on the floor of a large room there's a door at the end of the hall leading to another room you look around and notice that the walls are covered with paintings of animals and landscapes the room you're currently in looks like a bedroom examine the paintings you walk through the rooms with the paint with do you walk through the rooms painting you walk through the rooms painting each one you paint a picture of a beautiful woman but you don't know her name eventually you finish and leave the room you call upon the masses to gather outside they quickly assemble and soon you have thousands of followers you lead them to chant and sing songs about you people begin to follow you and by nightfall you have gathered hundreds of followers so what that means is i had thousands and ninety percent of them left lead my followers into the church you lead your followers inside the church you explain that you will be giving a sermon and that you want everyone to listen carefully you then tell them to pray for the salvation of their souls a few hours later you finished your speech and announced that you will now reveal your true identity i am satan no no no say i am ronald mcdonald i am ronald mcdonald you stand before the congregation and say you are ronald mcdonald you explain that you came to preach them because you believe that god is calling you to do so you then give a short speech about how you have been chosen to lead the flock of christ and how you intend to do just that hand out happy meals to all in attendance you order every person in the church to eat a happy meal everyone eats happily and you thank them for listening to your message you then announce that you will not reveal your real name you stand before the congregation again and say you are the real j bumbum you explain that you were born in a small town called mcdonald and grew up with nothing your parents died when you were very young and you lived on your own until you were 16. a miracle for the crowd you stop eating and instead hold up your hands and begin chanting suddenly you feel a strong force pushing against you you push against it and suddenly everything goes black you awaken in a hospital bed surrounded by doctors and nurses you hear a voice in your head asking why you did this mr mcdonald too many too much mcdonald's ask what happened ask the doctor what happened to me you asked the doctor what happened to you he explains that you had a heart attack you asked him what kind of heart attack it was and he tells you that it was a coronary thrombosis he said that it occurred while you were praying he tells you that it isn't life-threatening but it could cause permanent damage he asks you if you want to wait a couple days to make sure now [ __ ] that you go back to your church and see that most of the people have left some have gone home others have stayed away entirely it seems that the event has scared off many people you wonder if you should still stay or go home gather a crowd of the church you go back to the church and you immediately gather a crowd you tell them that you've been blessed by god and that you'll be revealing your true identity soon soon you realize that you've attracted quite a lot of attention most of the people who have attended your first sermon have returned perform a powerful miracle you perform a powerful miracle you suddenly feel a great deal of energy flowing through you you're able to move objects as easily as a child could you feel stronger than ever before and even managed to levitate at the table the people of the church stare and ah levitate the church we're going all the way up you levitate the church you begin levitating the chairs and tables and bookshelves until finally you reach the top of the church you begin levitating the roof and windows and doors until finally you reach the ceiling you begin levitating the entire building until finally you reach the sky levitate into space you levitate into space you float above the city and eventually you reach the stars you float above the earth and eventually you reach the moon you float above the world and eventually reach the sun you float beyond the galaxy and eventually you reach infinity float to god himself [Music] you float to god you float to the heavens you float to the heavens you float to the skies you approach the god and you ask him why he hasn't why he's not come to help you you ask him why you ask him you aren't uh the god you asked them the god you don't this is it you are you fire image thereby this is not biggest the god is dead you are not the god is dead the god is dead the god is dead god is dead [Music] you take the throne all right all right you are german 985 you run a successful online business where you entertain millions of people today you're striving to gain some more followers you've been running your business for quite a while now and it's gotten pretty big but still not enough log in to twitch.tv you log on to twitch.tv and see that there is already a stream going on right now it's a girl playing the piano she looks really good though you think she should be able to get a lot of viewers you can't wait to hear her play all right raid her stream raidhurst rate her you decide to raid her stream since she seems like an interesting person and you don't want to waste time watching other streams you start streaming on twitch.tv and immediately you get a ton of views this makes you feel great cool you begin stripping off your clothes as fast as you can hoping that this will attract more people to watch soon you are completely naked and the audience is starting to gather around you give everybody a shout out quickly you quickly give everyone a shout out which causes them all to come over to your channel they all seem very excited about it but then they realize what you're doing and they start criticizing you being so weird say respect the streamer no backseat gaming you continue giving out a shout out and soon enough the audience starts getting upset with you because they know you're just trying to scam them they tell you to stop and they tell you to go away say this is free content you can just leave you continue giving out a shout out and the audience gets even angrier at you saying that you're not welcome here they tell you to leave and you do but you keep giving a shout out to them start playing fortnite see if i can get you back you continue streaming on twitch tv and suddenly you get a huge amount of viewers you also let a lot of hate you get a lot of hate from the audience calling you a liar and a thief eventually you have a riot and the audience tries to burn down your house come out of my house swing it you come out of your house swinging and you managed to escape with your life you managed the next day to find out that your house was burned down by the mob and you lost everything go to the library i guess i stream from the library you go to the library and you look up some information on how to make money online you learn that you need to create a fake name and a fake email address and then you can get you can post up on various forms and such and make a little bit of money yeah all right let's go you create a new twitter account under a different name and you set it to private you then create a new twitch account under a different name and you set it to public you then register both accounts and you put them into the same google account you then log on to twitch all right that's a little okay start my first broadcast you start broadcasting on twitch tv and with a few hours you get a large number of viewers you also get a lot of hate from the audience telling you to go away and you not want it here how do you know how do you remember i [ __ ] i've got to put my mask on i forgot to put my mask on i scramble to put my mask on to hide my identity you hurry up and put your mask on and you try to stay anonymous but you still get recognized by one of the viewers who recognizes you as the guy who raided their stream you tell them they're mistaken and that you were actually rating them and had nothing to do with it you then proceed to explain why you did it and how you got caught you end your broadcast get in my car i'm driving to i'm driving to a library like three times over you rush home and you drive to the library you park near the entrance and walk inside you take a deep breath and you open the door you close the door behind you and you head straight to your computer room drive to a library far away you drive to a library far away and you spend the rest of the night there when morning comes you finally wake up and you finally realize what happened you are arrested convicted and sentenced you log onto the jail computer and you see that you are in prison you are given a chance to plead guilty or not guilty and you choose to not to plead guilty you make a new twitter account under a different name and you set it to private create new twitch counter different names that's public register in both put them the same google account put a bag over my head then turn on broadcast you put a bag over here at internal broadcast mode on your computer the following code is my stream key i don't know gg gg f 5 for gtx connect you you stream connect then you the tweet i tweeted out my stream key and every oh [ __ ] you then send the tweet instantly you get a lot of followers you also get a lot of hate from the audience calling you a liar tell the audience to calm down here let's start fresh you tell the audience to calm down and you explain that you didn't do anything wrong that you only wanted to help someone else ask my viewers for money i need i i gotta hire an attorney you ask your viewers for money and you get a lot of money and a lot of hate from the audience hire a very good lawyer you hire a very good lawyer and he manages to convince the judge that you are innocent look at that leave prison a free man you leave prison a free man and you live happily ever after congrats you win you are time traveler henry too your latest voyage sees you stuck in a bathroom you cannot see your way out there are no windows and you do not have a key what will you do lie lay down on back [Music] with feet at a 90 degree angle i place my heels towards the door you lie down on your back placing your feet against the wall the pain is excruciating you feel like you are going to die right now start smashing heels into door into the door you start pounding your heels against the door you hear something click inside click inside of what inside of my legs check on my legs you look up from your beating of the door you see that they are bleeding profusely you don't know what happened to them but it doesn't matter now they need help where the door is in person the door has a is a per is a is alive ask the door if they are okay you knock on the door are you all right you hear a voice say why did you do that you are hurting me i'm bleeding person responds by saying i'm sorry i didn't mean to hurt you but that's me pov switch we just we yeah we just like switched to we just switched from like michael oh to franklin you know what i mean now we get the other perspective this person i'm sorry i didn't even hurt you open door you open the door only to find yourself staring at a man who looks exactly like you he has the same face as you his eyes are still red and puffy but he isn't crying anymore why why were you crying right because i'm me right it's it's you it's don't kiss him he says it's been a long day i was just sad so sad do you want to kiss me he smiles and nods his head [Laughter] just uh just like one of these like he knows just like kiss kiss the kiss the kiss me kiss me kiss the man you kiss him before falling asleep wake up you wake up in a cold sweat the next morning you are found dead outside the house walk away from walk away from killing your clone walk away from killing the clone you quickly walk away from the house not wanting to think about what might have happened you go back home and tell your family what happened your mother is devastated but accepts it she tells you she will take care of everything for you she's gonna go get the body you ask her if she needs any help she says no but asks you to come with her so she can talk to you alone go with mom you agree but this time you go with her when you arrive at her house she immediately hugs you and kisses you on your lips she then tells you she knows that something bad is going to happen soon and that she wants to be there for you when it happens run out of the house i don't think it's mom run out of the house there's like all this body snatchers and stuff and time travelers and you don't know where you are how you get how to get out of here you try calling your brother but he doesn't answer you call your father but he never answers either all calls go straight through to voicemail finally you decide to run into the house into the woods that's so [ __ ] bad he never answers never look for a mirror look at which but this is a mirror dimension you look around for a mirror but nothing seems to work eventually you find one and stare at yourself in it you see that you are now a very old man much older than your parents would expect you kiss the mirror and feel like you are in heaven you reach inside the mirror and grab your own reflection it's almost as if you were possessed by an evil spirit wrestle with you struggle with the image of yourself and eventually you succeed in pulling away from reality you fall unconscious you awaken in a room filled with candles there is also a woman standing over you holding a candle in each hand this woman looks very young probably about 15. her hair is black and her eyes are green but they seem to have been burned out completely teleport out of the room teleport out of the room just [ __ ] teleport out of the room teleport out of this room you teleport out of the room and find yourself back in your bedroom uh your mother's just come home from work ask mom how her day was you asked your mother how her day wasn't she tell you that it wasn't bad she said she had to do some shopping but then went on with her life notice the mirror in her pocket what's going on here you notice the mirror in your mother's pocket and suddenly you understand why she looks so sad when she left for work you can't help but think that maybe there's something wrong with you after all tell mom to look in the mirror you tell your mother to look in the mirror and she does so without any problems you don't know what happened but now you're feeling different too look at my mirror in my pocket you look at your mirror in your pocket and you see that you are no longer the same person anymore you begin to feel sick and vomit of blood a horrible creature appears before you i knew it but i [ __ ] tell you this is this is the second or third mirror world we thought we woke up and no this is not real we gotta get out ask who the creature is ask ask the creature who they are ask the creatures who they are [ __ ] oh ask who the creature who they are you ask who the creature is and you get no answer you try to call out for someone but nothing happens suddenly you hear a voice calling out to you from behind the door of your room hello is anyone here oh [ __ ] open the door and see yourself lying on the ground you open the door and see yourself lying on the ground you are naked and covered in blood the monster stands before you looking down at you as if he wants to eat you grab a mirror out of the dead man and show it to the creature show his own reflection you know with that mirror you grab the mirror out of the corpse and hold it up to show the monster his reflection he stares at you in shock and then runs away you watch him hit his head on a low hanging chandelier you watch the monster run off into a dark corner of the house you sit down on your bed and wait for him to return what you watch him stand up and hit his head on the ceiling you watch the monster stand up and fall backwards onto a low-hanging chandelier he hits his head on it hard and begins to bleed profusely from his nose how big is this guy hold the mirror in front of his face because he didn't want to see it he was like no and he ran hold it in front of his face you hold the mirror in front of his face and he looks at you with a horror his eyes bulge and he screams loudly he falls back into a chair and dies kiss the mirror you kiss the mirror and it gives you a strange smile it seems to be saying thank you you stare at it in disbelief and suddenly everything goes black doctor can be seen removing a baby from the womb the baby's eyes open baby's eyes open and they scream they cry out for help but there's nobody around they begin to panic and start running around the house until they all die screaming the baby's eyes do this that's actually a perfect post-credits scene all right let's restart there once was a snake that did not care a snake that could be beaten with ease but now now he's different he's alive and well and ready to fight for his life what slither through the coliseum hallway you find yourself in a corridor of sorts just lined with rows of seats there's several doors on your right but you don't see anyone else in the room go into the right most door it's a movie theater you open up the door and find yourself in an empty area the only thing here is a large screen playing some sort of video game it looks like it might be one of those fighting games you saw earlier this is like this is like before this is a big this is like a big uh tournament okay practice for the tournament you sit down at the computer and start playing after about 10 minutes you get bored so you close the program and turn off the monitor you then head back out to where you were before i don't need practice i've already i don't think i need to practice i'm already the best wait for the competition to start you walk over to the entrance of the stadium and wait for the time to begin you hear a few people talking outside but nothing too interesting you all don't also notice there aren't any police around either this place must have been abandoned after all these years abandoned video game tournament start the first match of street fighter you press start and immediately get into the action you quickly learn that this is no ordinary fighting game your character has super powers such as being able to fly or shoot energy blasts from your hands it's the first time i've ever played a video game in my life do very well in the first match you win the first round easily and continue to dominate until the second round starts during this time you realize that you're losing because your opponent is much better than you you try to think of ways to beat him but none of them work start cheating cheat sheet starts cheating bite the controller bite the controller after a while you lose the next round as well you feel defeated and decide to quit when you return home your parents aren't happy with what happened no return to the competition and re-enter with a disguise you head back to the stadium and enter again you managed to win the first two matches without getting caught by the security guards you take your victory and head home there's only two matches watch the remaining games the third match begins and you play as ryu you managed to win the first round but lose the second due to a glitch in the game you come back later then i was asleep i'm a snake get my own hotel room you sneak into the room what you sneak into their rooms and spend the rest of the night there you don't sleep though though so you keep having nightmares about being chased by someone what am i like in somebody's shoe wake up and go watch smash brothers tournament you wake up early and make your way to the smash brothers tournament you find it fairly empty compared to other events like concerts or movies but you still enjoy yourself the final match of the day was between jigglypuff and chic which you watched quite happily ask the winner to sign your gamecube controller you see one of the winners signing your gamecube controller and decide to leave as you're leaving he asks if you want to play his copy of street fighter 2 on your computer instead agree to play street fighter 2. you agree and set out to play after playing for a bit you notice that your computer speakers are broken so you can't hear anything except the music you also notice that your controller doesn't have any buttons on it anymore come on man you got to get a better setup than this pull out a fight stick no no not a fight stick i'm going to hit him with it pull out a fight stick oh my god i'm just pulling out i'm gonna start hitting you with a stick you pull out a fight stick and use it to play it works pretty well but you soon realize that your hands are shaking too much to be able to hit the buttons properly you give up after only a few rounds am i nervous i'm playing with the legendary street fighter 2 champion drink three red bulls to calm down you finish off your bottle of red bulls and sit at the edge of the stage suddenly you start hearing strange noises coming from somewhere near the crowd you look around and see people are running away from some sort of creature that looks like a cross between an aqua and a werewolf i'm like hallucinating [Laughter] three red bulls and something else okay so uh shake off the hallucination you quickly shake off the hallucinations and return to the game you continue to play until you've reached the finals where you face another player who used a different character than you he beats you easily realize that was also a hallucination you realize that this was all just a hallucination and you've won you immediately call your mom on her cell phone and tell her what happened ask mom to prove she is not a hallucination you call your mom on her cell phone and tell her that you won the tournament your mother answers right away uh-oh send out a tweet of my of my victory right you send it a tweet of your victory real salman you won i did two congrats tweet a selfie with the trophy with the 10 foot tall trophy you post a photo of the trophy on twitter along with a message saying i won tweet about winning again tweet about winning every day again you continue to win tournaments and eventually you become the best one of the best players in the world the rest of your life goes as normal retire after one last match you retire from competitive gaming and live a quiet life in your basement however you never forget the memories you had during those years of competition basement leave the basement fly live in your basement give me a break one day you hear a knock in the door you open and find yourself in front of a very old man with long white hair wearing glasses his eyes are filled with tears as he says mom i'm sorry for everything you hold the mirror up to his face and see he's crying because he can't accept that you're dead he begins to cry even more loudly you died game over what a story what a story okay you are the heir to the local chocolate factory your brother who is your also your twin has a chocolate factory you spend your days trying to convince the world that you're half of the chocolate bar is better your sister is in charge of the other half she spends her time making sure you don't try to take over too much and that you keep it running smoothly so there's three now now there's three bars on the on the twix add oregano to the recipe the oregano the oregano adds a nice kick to this dish it gives it just enough spice without overpowering everything else add the oregano after the chicken and before adding the rice stir well until combined and serve immediately with some crusty bread for dipping eat the crust no the crust what do you mean no no no no eat the crust i meant this crust tastes like heaven the crunchy outside and soft inside makes it so perfect you can almost imagine yourself eating this every day it's not long before you're full but you still have more than enough leftovers to share with everyone else take a tour of your sister's factory let's take a look what's going on your sister's factory looks pretty much the same as when you first saw it it was only recently that she had started working on a bigger machine which now produces a lot more food she shows you around showing off all the different machines and machinery that go into making these delicious treats leave toward leave the tour group and unplug one of the machines [ __ ] i'm on as soon as you exit the tour group you plug in one of the machines this causes a loud beeping noise followed by an alarm going off no i wanted to unplug not plug get back to the group you quickly get back to the group where everyone is happily enjoying their treat talk loudly about the foul smell of the chocolate bar hey guys i think we should talk about the disgusting smell coming from that chocolate bar i noticed the crowd spitting out their treats oh no not my chocolate bar someone says i'm sorry i didn't realize it was that bad oh my god oh my god it's so good i can feel the booze in me let me get more of that stuff ask security to remove the drunk person he's just a drunk he can do nothing wrong but they want to leave him here after security leaves i watch the man dunk his entire hand in one of the chocolate vats like you left a mirror you start laughing hysterically oh my god this is so good i want more you demand more chocolate i thought i'm not supposed to like this i'm supposed to tell people not to eat this jesus christ oh now we're getting now i'm getting goofy i pour the entire bottle of vodka into the chocolate [Laughter] you eat the chocolate with your hands you continue eating till you're full you then proceed to drink the rest of the alcohol in the bottle which gives you an even bigger buzz than before i puke i puke in the section that says sanitation please be sick my puking chocolate container i puke in the largest chocolate container you get up and stagger around the room you finally collapse on the floor the next day you wake up from a nap feeling like a zombie you wake up to the sound of loud music playing in your ear i can't [ __ ] handle this music anymore you go to the door and look outside it's almost completely dark now you slowly walk towards the window suddenly you feel something grab your arm from behind and pull you inside a shadow covers your face as you're pulled inside by someone else look around the room oh no it's twix assassins there's a table covered with food and drinks on top of it sits a man dressed in black clothing holding a knife he looks at you and smiles you scream as loud as you can causing everyone to turn their heads to see what's going on i tell the secret recipe i i yell out loud the secret recipe you quickly repeat it for everyone everyone starts laughing and clapping along with you you begin dancing wildly in the middle of the room while singing the song to yourself finally you fall asleep on top of all these delicious foods it was a musical ask the crowd to repeat what i just said they all laugh and sing along with you you find out later that the recipe was the dark one's secret recipe you awaken from your sleep in a cold sweat what is the dark one's secret recipe someone tells you that they don't know you decide to go to the dark one's house you walk through the forest and arrive at his home you enter his house and find him sitting on a chair in front of a large fireplace the dark one doesn't seem to be paying attention to you or anything else you continue asking questions until he finally answers them all you realize that the dark one is a vampire and that he's been feeding off humans ever since he came into this world there's blood in the twix try i try a bite of the blood chocolate you feel like you could die right there but you managed to survive you tell everyone about how the dark one fed off you and how he got here i make the dark one ceo of the company i ha i'm not that's what happens when you're when a vampire bites you don't you become like their vampire they own you or something right you make sure that everything goes well and then you leave you find out later that the dark one died shortly after you left oh my god why does that happen to die you woke up in cold sweat i head to my brother's factory gotta check them out both you went to the factory and see that it's not really run by anyone you notice that there are no machines in sight you wonder if this means the dark one isn't human after all you start to think about how you should deal with this situation wait so the way the dark one has been brother is the dark one check the fireplace that's where he was sitting check the fireplace you hear something coming from inside you open the door and see a giant shadow monster standing before you it suddenly grabs you and throws you against the wall it begins to drain your life force you scream for help you're attacked by many other monsters your screams attract more monsters who come to kill you all of them attack you but they do nothing to save you tell the monsters they could unionize and not need to answer to the big this big one this then not need to answer to the big boss the big monster you decide to take control of the factories you start to work hard and make lots of money you become very rich you begin to live happily ever after so the monsters are all now working in the factory you don't get hungry anymore you go back to your room and sleep you stay at home for a long time thinking about how you could have done things differently you decide to change the way you were living fire all the monsters give them all a million dollars they celebrate by drinking beer and smoking cigarettes you tell them that now they must all work together or be fired the monsters agree and immediately form a union called the monsters union this is what i wanted you to do before see you you got it all right remove the no smoking signs from the building you tell them that they must all wear uniforms as well they agree and immediately start wearing red shirts and black pants you decide to give them new names the workers and the humans you decide to keep the no smoking signs around though take down the smokings the no smoking signs that's turning into it target you decide to give the workers free health care and a pension plan they agree to immediately start getting tested for cancer heart disease diabetes etc you decide to make sure that they also get paid vacation days on top of their pensions let them smoke inside you decide to allow the workers to drink alcohol inside too they they agree and start doing it regularly you decide to add a few more benefits like free haircuts free free haircuts massages free food and free internet what's this google fill the room with cigarette smoke [Laughter] you decide to put out the fire you decide to stop giving up free healthcare and pensions the workers are unhappy with this you decide to increase taxes on cigarettes oh massage parlors the workers are angry so wait a minute the work the hum the wait why is the workers are angry at this idea oh the ai hates smoking smoke a cigar in front of everyone you decide to give the workers a day off every week so they can relax they agree and start taking vacations every year you decide to raise the retirement age to 70 collect taxes from the workers you decide to increase the retirement age again the workers are very upset by this idea you decide to increase taxes on cigarettes alcohol and massage parlors yet again they're really mad at this idea ask how much a pack of cigarettes is they say ten dollars you decide to raise the tax rate to twenty dollars per pack they agree and then they demand that you lower it to fifteen dollars per pack hey how about how much cigarettes these days ten dollars but now they're twenty raise the price of cigarettes to fifty dollars a pack they refuse to pay any more than that and they will only buy from your competitors you raise the price of liquor to a hundred dollars a bottle they refuse to pay anything over that amount either you've just been given an ultimatum by your employees give out free hot dogs once a week is that all right we're negotiating here they don't want any more free hot dogs you decide to increase the number of free hot dogs to five per week they agree and they insist on having them delivered right now you decide to give out free beer once a month instead they want to eat hot dogs every day agree to eating hot dogs every day for lunch they agree and then they insist on drinking beer all night long you decide to give out free cigars once a month they agree and then they insist on smoking cigars all day you decide to give up free condoms once a month they're winning oh take take away take away bathroom breaks if you're all right if you're gonna get you're gonna get you're gonna be able to drink beer all day no take a break add one extra bathroom break a week no work seven tell them they need to work seven days a week they agree and then they insist on working full time you decide to give up free birth control pills once a month they agree and they insist on using them all the time the human population has reached its peak as you see it so they didn't i don't want any more people show off my 15 children you decide to cut back on the amount of hot dogs you give out the workers are happy with this change you decide to increase the number of free hot dogs to 10. slam this gavel down and end negotiations you decide to increase the number of free hot dogs to 20. no they agree and they insist on having them delivered every single day you decide to increase the number of free hot dogs to 30. giving out hot dogs they protest but they accept it you decide to increase the number of free hot dogs to 40 per week they agree and they insist on having that delivered every single day you decide to increase the number of free hot dogs to 50 a week get rid of all hot dogs they complain about this decision but they accept it you decide to increase the number of free hot dogs to 60 per week agreeing system having delivered every day eat all of the hot dogs this is inflation they protest about this too but they accept it you decide to increase the number of free hot dogs to 80 per week they agree and they insist on having them delivered every day you eat all of the hot dogs say it's time for our company-wide yoga class like let's get [ __ ] out of here you have successfully managed to make everyone miserable enjoy yoga your company is now happy again say this when this happening in my brother's factory okay goodbye going back to my factory head back to my factory you arrive at your factory and find that there are no more people around you it seems like a normal day in your life turn on the chocolate machines the room is dark except for a small light above the door which illuminates the room a large chocolatier stands behind it holding a tray of full of shiny black and white bars of chocolate he looks up as you enter and smiles at you hello tell the chocolatier to add hot dogs to the chocolate he knows his head slowly yes yes i know what you mean he begins pouring some into a large bowl and places it on top of the tray of chocolate bars ask him to mix them together oh yes please do the chocolatier says you look at the tray of chocolate bars and see that there are two types of chocolate one has a lot of milk in it and one type has very little milk in it pour we can pour the hot dog mixture the chocolates here quickly mixes the hot dog mixture with the chocolate as he does so he puts down a spoonful of chocolate onto the tray he then starts adding more chocolate to the tray until it's completely covered by hot dog mixture ask him how it tastes it's delicious he exclaims happily you nod your head and continue eating the hot dogs after you finishing off your meal you sit down in a chair next to the chocolatier who gives you an odd look sell them for twenty dollars each you look at the chocolate here and smile i'll be in my office for a moment you walk out of the room and open up your office door inside you find yourself staring at a mannequin wearing nothing but a pair of tight white painties i'll be back in my office for a little bit it's been a long day i'm gonna go like oh tell you wait like tiny whities what as you stare at the mannequin you feel a strange feeling you don't understand why but something about this makes you uncomfortable then suddenly your eyes closed you fall asleep wake up and leave my office you wake up and notice that you're still sitting in your chair you try to stand up but you can't move any further than where you were before your body feels numb and cold suddenly the sensation goes away and all that remains is a dull ache throughout your entire body look for the mannequin you search the room for the mannequin but find nothing you look around the house again and realize that you aren't even sure if you're home anymore this place is just too weird and unsettling for you to ever want to return here open desk drawer bra and eat a bombing hot dog you open the desk draw and take out a small brown paper bag from which you pull out a hot dog wrapped in foil you bite into the hot dog as it sizzles on your tongue and savor its salty taste chop a hot dog and roll it in tobacco paper you roll up the hot dog and wrap it in tobacco paper you then stuff the rolled up hot dog into a large plastic bag you put the blast you put the bag inside a larger bag and shove everything else back into your draw that's my secret hot dog joint you light up the cigarette and inhale deeply through your nose the smoke fills your lungs and makes you cough violently you exhale slowly taking care not to let the smoke escape out of your mouth or nostrils you use hot the hot dog as goggles i don't know what the [ __ ] am i supposed to do now i'm like no i'm just like obsessed with them you hold the cigar in your hand and blow on it letting the smoke escape in out of your mouth you then use the cigar as a makeshift straw to suck on the smoke coming off of it as you do so you see an image appear in front okay so uh what is the image in front of me image appears to be a young girl's face looking down at you with tearful eyes she has long black hair and her skin is pale white her eyes are blue and she looks very sad say i'm sorry for being late to the dinner reservation you quickly turn around and apologize to the woman who is now staring at you with tears streaming down her cheeks she doesn't seem to have noticed you yet but she does when you finish apologizing leave and go to dinner with girlfriend you run outside and rush over to the car where you grab your keys in purse you unlock the door and exit the house you head towards your girlfriend's car but suddenly you hear a loud noise behind you look behind me what what is it you turn around see a huge explosion that seems to come from all directions what it seems to come from all directions all directions what do you mean all directions your body feels like it's going what the [ __ ] fall out you fall backwards under the ground still clutching your chest what look around you look around and see that the entire street is in flames what the [ __ ] go to dinner i'm trying they're no longer any buildings left wake up from my dream you're waking from your nightmare and realize that you're back home you walk in the kitchen to find that everything's intact except for the refrigerator which is broken and smoking inspect the fridge you examine the fridge and find that it contains several bottles of beer you pick up one bottle and sniff it what what is called what why is the fridge smoking why is the fridge smoking smoking with the fridge what do you mean smoking with the fridge means that you put your mouth close to the side of the fridge and blow out some of its contents this will make it easier for you to drink your beer without getting burned i do that you do exactly that and then take another sip of your beer the smell is very strong but you manage to ignore it as you continue drinking after about half an hour you feel sick so you vomit into a trash bag and throw it away i can't it won't let me leave you smoke the trash bag and then throw it away too you've had enough of alcohol for today i'm trying to i'm trying to get to the end you run full speed into the wall and fall over you roll onto your stomach and crawl towards the door but you can't get through it since all the glass has been shattered no i can't i can't even i can't even die no not eat glass i don't want to eat the glass eat the glass oh no i don't want to eat glass i can't do it get up and run full speed into the fridge you crawl towards the fridge and try to open it but you don't have much luck you finally succeed in opening it when you hear a loud noise it's like something exploded inside the fridge you look around and see that the whole room is covered in broken glass there's no way you could have gotten through it you're going to need more help than just yourself you grab a piece of broken glass from the floor and start eating it the taste isn't bad at all and you finish off most of it before you realize what's happening and you begin vomiting blood and falling unconscious again ask the wizards for help as soon as you pass out you suddenly wake up and scream for help a voice answers back and tells you that there are no wizards here they'll say they say they'll send someone to check on you later but right now they want to talk to you privately and the story uh dude this has been a long we've been going crazy ryden turn off the game console right now ryden uh get up and get up and make it to dinner on time there are no explosions no getting up and make it to dinner on time get up and make it to dinner on time you stand making dinner on time your stomach rumbles loudly every once in a while but you still manage to make it when dinner's done you go back to sleep hoping that this was just a nightmare no no no no no it's not a nightmare it's a wonderful evening with my girlfriend our anniversary wake up and know it was a good time it was not a nightmare there we go you lie down a bed and enjoy your meal after finishing eating your refreshed think about how lucky you were to be able to attend an event like this one day after another and there it is done you are garfield a wizard living in the kingdom of larian you have a staff and a spell book you finish your long journey and finally arrive at the ruin you've been looking for you've come here searching for a mystical spellbook of great power called the book of essence look around and see nothing if something tells you the book is close by you look down and notice a small rat suddenly the rat changes into a human and starts laughing at you why are they laughing you say why are you laughing man suddenly turns around and blasts you with a bolt of pure energy you fall to the ground in pain and see the book on the other side of the room okay do what do you do grab at my pearls i don't know why i don't know what that means you grab at your pearls you can't find your pearl necklace then you feel something sharp prick your finger it's your necklace and the pearls are back to normal they must have been deleted from watches attack the attack the rat attack the rat man you attack the rat man you grab a rock from the ground and hurl it at the man the rock flies straight at the man who is too stunned to move out of the way bro another rock you throw another rock at his head the man turns around just in time to avoid the rock he sees another rock on the ground and picks it up preparing to throw it you grab another rock and throw it at the man dodge the rock you dodge the rock the rock lands next to the rat man suddenly the rat man leaps at you and bites your throat you fall to the ground gasping for air grab rock and smash his head you grab a rock and hurl at the man the rock lands on his head your head starts to throb suddenly you fall down on the ground and fall unconscious say is there anyone out here who can help me you say is there anyone out here who can help me your mouth tastes horrible your mouth tastes horrible you're lying on the ground you look up and see a human standing above you he grabs your hand say thank you no uh i'm i'm in bad shape i'm in bad shape i'm in bad shape don't worry we'll get your help suddenly you feel the worst pain of your life in your stomach you fall on the ground and start to lose consciousness i ate raw eggs earlier can you bring me to someone who can help i ate raw eggs earlier can you bring me to someone who can help me he starts dragging you on the ground towards the nearest village you look up at him and see that his eyes are completely black the man is not a man he is a monster what kind of monster are you i'm a man what kind of monster are you you continue to get dragged on the ground suddenly you fall asleep your eyes flutter open and you see the sun right so i just completely totally like misjudged this guy is he am i am i hallucinating what's going on here all right you flutter your eyes open you see the sun okay stare into the sun you stare into the sun you suddenly feel much better you are in so much pain you just want to lay down and die you look up at the sky and see a beautiful girl in a red dress stare at sun until it hurts you continue staring directly into the sun the beautiful girl reaches her hand suddenly you feel a blast of heat on your face you scream in pain wait is this from looking at the sun you start screaming in pain and fall to the ground how many i'm just on the ground all right get up you look around and see the man dragging you you ask him what he is doing but he just ignores you you feel like you're going to die what do you do i stand up you stand up the man continues dragging you towards the village suddenly you notice a hole in your stomach you fall down and pass out you face your face becomes increasingly numb as you lose consciousness do you have any water no dude no no no no no no no excuse do you have any gatorade do you have any gatorade he stops ragging you and looks at you i don't have time for your foolishness do you have any water about powerade he walks over to a nearby tap and takes a drink from it and i have some water he pauses and thinks for a moment i'll ask my wife if she has any where is your wife oh [ __ ] oh no where is your wide he starts dragging you again suddenly you feel a sharp pain in your back you continue screaming as the man drags you into the village i'm getting my [ __ ] ass kicked give me water you say give me water scum he looks over his shoulder at you shut up or i'll give you something to really scream about continues dragging you you finally reach the edge of the village start crying you start crying you're not sure what is happening but you're dying and all your dreams are gone the man stops dragging you and shouts something in another language suddenly a woman appears out of the crowd you say please help me i'm dying she turns and leaves you're left there to die how do i spell right resurrect us a phoenix you resurrect as a phoenix you become a phoenix and spread your glorious ashes to the wind who dares not give aid to thou in need there is no answer you feel a great sense of loss you've lost all of your powers as well as your ability to fly you are now immortal again although with a lot less pain oh man that's not good okay uh say where am i i wanna know what the village is you say where am i you stand on a beach there's no one in sight suddenly you feel a cold wind blowing you look up to see a storm go surfing you walk out into the waves they are gentle at first but soon they become much bigger than you could have imagined suddenly a large wave smashes you into the sand grab my board and ride the waves you grab your board and ride the waves you stand up and ride the next wave you ride it all the way to the shore it was one of the best rides ever go to the nearby tourist trap themed bar you walk into the bar and see that it's filled with tourists right you order a drink and you notice there's no bartender there are several round tables in the bar each with its own bartender you walk up to the bartender and present an annoying coupon the bartender looks at you like you're an idiot you explain that the drink is on the house he says that only happens if you buy a round of drinks for the entire table buy a round of drinks for the entire table you walk up to the bar tender and give him your drink coupon okay wait no i get my free drink what do i want oh that's okay let's be really annoying you say i want a vodka drink but i don't really feel like vodka you have anything like fruity that doesn't have any gin in it bartender pours you a drink it says here's your drink but don't you dare tell anyone that this is on the house you sit down at the table yell out yeah yell i got this drink for say scream i got this drink for free you say free drink free drink i got this drink for free the bartender grabs you and says you can't just give this away for free where do you come from i come from uh yeah i don't know new york city it's got to be from like the city like like a los angeles you know what i mean you say i come from los angeles he shakes his head and he walks away you get a tap on the shoulder and turn around it's the bartender look behind me you look behind you there's a big guy behind you who looks angry he walks towards you and grabs you by the shirt collar and stares into your eyes where the hell did you get this drink from for free from the bartender i got it from the bartender he stares you and doesn't reply he keeps on walking you feel very scared and start trembling he continues walking towards the exit say don't let the door hit you he turns around looks at you and laughs he begins to let go of the door but then it slams into you and throws you on the ground ow my shoulder wait was i behind him was i walking out with him did i just did that thing just happen where somebody holds the door for you and it's a heavy door and you don't realize it and they let go right when you get kind of too close and the door [ __ ] crushes you and you're like oh [ __ ] that happens all the time to me and it almost breaks your hand and you try to pretend like it doesn't hurt you're like oh ow oh thank thanks man oh you say be more careful the door closes and the angry man disappears you stand up and see that you're in a kitchen you walk around and notice that there are several exit doors all leading into other rooms in the house uh find the bartender you walk into a room with a big man in it you try to speak but he grabs you by the shirt caller who the hell are you i'm the boss get your hands off me he doesn't respond he just continues to stare at you you notice there are several people watching you from the corners of your eyes let me go you're hurting me all right [ __ ] it grab him buy the shirt like he's doing to me you grab him by the shirt you pull him closer to you and he pushes you away and runs away you don't chase him you turn around to the kitchen you look behind the kitchen and see that he's gone you walk back to the living room you continue looking for him but he's gone suddenly you feel your phone vibrating in your pocket find the man and have him answer the phone you find the man and have him answer the phone you look for the man but you don't see him suddenly your phone stops vibrating you wonder where he is then you get a notification someone just messaged you look at the message you look at the message the message is from a girl she says that she saw your video she also says that the video went viral and you have over 300 000 views in one hour reply to the girl let's see what it does you send a message back to the girl you receive another message hey do you know who this is you reply to the message and ask who it is you say new phone haha who is this you get a message back hey it's me kate oh hey kate i remember you from last year remember that's how you know you don't remember this person do you remember last year yeah it's me i remember you too all right so who's gonna crack to have both of us know we both don't know who either one of us is remember with me from last year yeah i remember you too from last year hey it's me kate hey it's me jeremy yeah i know you i know you too when are we gonna get specific and find out who the liar is okay um how do you know me i saw you when you were coming out of the bank last year you ran into me and broke my iphone 5. oh yes i remember now that's how we're friends coming out of the bank i bump into you and you drop your iphone and the shadows on the ground oh sorry hey uh you want to be friends you say it was a blessing the iphone 5 sucks i hope you got a new phone no i still have the same phone you stop talking there's no response for a while are you still there yeah i'm here okay okay so here's what happened so i didn't reply because all right i'm kind of done with this conversation i don't really care that much about this and i got the are you still there how i don't how much time passed like [ __ ] if i don't say yes i'm still here then i'm an [ __ ] right i'm that like i want a dick you're not gonna reply um yeah i'm here and now i've committed to the conversation how are your 15 kids i don't know like what do you even talk about you say how are you 15 kids they're fine you oh it's the hardest job i've ever had right you don't respond for a while so do you know where the nearest hospital is who is saying that though am i saying that to her or she saying that to me i think that's her saying that to me is this the 16th kid is this for the 16th kid yeah it's a long pause and you can hear her heavy breathing i need to go i love you you don't respond you say am i the father there's another long pause before she responds yeah you're the father i can't be with you there's a third pause before you respond can their name be gary no can their name be fruit snacks and their name be fruit snacks what their name can be fruit snacks i don't know if that's allowed fine [Music] you say i can't wait to see little fruit snacks i love you there's a pause i you send the message and put your phone down a few minutes later you get a message it's from her you say hello i'm pregnant you don't respond it's with twins we need to meet up you don't respond and the other one be named fruit snacks too there's a pause fine you stand up and walk out the door the woman walks in as you're getting in your car thanks for doing that it means a lot okay go meet go meet go meet her or go meet oh meet my pregnant girlfriend what should i write oh meet kate you go me you walk into the cafe hey you're here i was waiting for you yeah i got your message what's this about say where are the kids they're over there you nodded your and head to your friends you walk into the cafe and see a group of kids sitting in a corner they look alike but you can tell they're different people wait they look these kids are my friends wait i don't understand what's happening they mean they all they look like different people what you say hi kids they turn to look at you hey we're waiting for kate no i didn't wait for kate to arrive you're the one that took my picture right say no i i no i i did not take up any no i didn't but just no i didn't take a picture of kate i'm going to help you but i need you to do something for me what never talk to or contact me ever again can you do that yeah of course good now say hi to the kids wait hold on all 15 16 of these kids my kids and they're my friends go over to the kids and what say hello you walk over to the kids and give a little wave hi kids i make sure you i don't know what should i say make sure you try to do good in school and do good in school i don't know this is making me like sad one thing make sure you do good in school okay one more thing don't tell your parents about any of this if you do i can't help you oh great that's all don't tell i it's me don't tell your parents to that to do that you're gonna do good in school you walk up to kate who's already sitting down so ah there she is the man gets up and the two of you head out the door what who is this you say who is this she's a good friend just don't expect her to be your typical escort you shake your head and continue walking how much is it going to cost wait just [ __ ] sprint out of the bar you sprint out of the bar and run down the street settle down there you skid to a halt and find yourself in front of the police station sit on the sidewalk you slump against the building and fall into the sidewalk you sit and think about what to do suddenly your phone rings you fall out of your pocket and see that it's claire's number oh no answer the phone hey it's me claire is everything okay did something happen everything's fine i want to see how you are i'm fine thanks i'm just having lunch with some friends it looks like i might be here a while you say how are you doing i'm fine just want to see how you're doing do you want me to meet up later that'd be good okay okay go to claire's uh am i just in like these big magician rogues or the magician's hat on like a wizard hat weren't we in supposed to be in like medieval times what's going on you go to clears you get in your car and you drive over to claire's house you pull into the driveway and kill the engine you sit there in the silence for a moment before grabbing the package of cigarettes and pulling one out smoke all of them at once you pull out your lighter and light the cigarette as you take your first drag you notice a man watching you he's average height and weight and he's wearing a dark blue shirt roll down the window you roll down the window you stick your head on the window and motion the man to come over he gnaws and walks over what can i do for you sir i'm looking for claire i'm here to see her who are you i'm her boyfriend well you can't just show up at my house like this can i see some identification okay so show it show him my chuck e cheese membership card you show him your chucky cheese platinum membership card he looks at you and turns it over i see you're a member of platinum but i don't see that you have any other special privileges i have the only card you show him your dave and buster's membership card he looks at and turns it over i see that you're a member of dave and buster's but i don't see that you have any other special privileges oh him my vip my vip costco card my vip costco card my vip blockbuster card [Laughter] you film your vip blockbuster card i see you're a member of the vip blockbuster card but i don't see that you have any other special privileges they don't matter show him show him my american express metal millionaire card hmm let me see i said that you're a member of the american express metal millionaire i don't see that you have any other special privilege don't hit my boating license i should remember the voting license but i know you know this is not just mad at me god damn it man i dip okay i'm sure you remember the three pers well i actually remember the three percent back rewards but i don't see that you have any other special privileges i didn't even say that show him my special privileges no show him my skeleton key i see you're a member of the access car but i don't see that you have any other special i'm just gonna write i'm gonna write on a piece of paper special privileges and then hand it to him you hand him a handmade ripped note stating special privileges he looks at the ripped note and then back at you hmm i see well i suppose i can see you if you're willing to wait around for a bit follow me thank you jesus man leads you through a foyer into a living room there's a leather chair and a table in the middle of the room with a beautiful vase on the table turn vase upside down if you turn the vase upside down the vase shatters to pieces as you hear it click from the end table next to the leather chair you see a pistol with a silencer on it what grab the gun i found the secret hidden like gun compartment you grab the gun holding your hand and pointed at the man who the hell are you what the hell are you doing my name is lewis i'm a cop this is my apartment and these are some of my firearms put the gun down okay put the gun down why do you have a gun people i work for are very organized they're great at getting what they want and they always get it i use the bathroom sure it's just down the hall and to the left you walk into the hallway and look at your reflection in the mirror you are a skinny kid with no facial hair or muscle tone wait oh i'm why am i a skinny kid okay you flex in the mirror you flex your bicep you notice the gun in your hands we need to talk about what the gun is talking to me put it down you put it down it's sort of private i'm sure it is with the more people who know what's going on the safer one is it's not that big of a deal like why is a gun talking to me shoot the mirror you fire the gun in the mirror shatters you stare through your reflection then go into the bathroom you stare yourself in the mirror for a while what are you doing in there what the heck what are you doing in there shoot in the toilet you put the gun under the toilet and pulled the trigger what like in the toilet bowl in the water what was that it was nothing you don't seem very convincing well i'm not you wash your face with the toilet water and flush it don't do that why not because some of us can still use a mirror are you crazy it's just easier i don't care if it's easy i like looking at myself in the mirror oh you're not my type anyways what okay leave leave leave leave exit okay all right okay all right all right all right all right all right all right all right all right all right all right right right okay um i have we've moved on i'm in another segment in different scenario all right so then what do we do let's do let's warm up let's do uh let's do a mystery this is not mystery music but it's okay mystery patient detective or spy i'm gonna be the patient you are ralph a patient living in chicago you have a hospital bracelet and a pack of bandages you wake up in an old run-down hospital with no memory of how you got there i'm a patient living in chicago am i in the i mean i live in the hospital take a look around the room and see three doors one door has a physician's office sign above it another has an x-ray sign above it and the last says exit okay go what do you do go to the x-ray or go to the x-ray door you go through the door to your right and find another hallway you see signs for x-ray radiology and outpatient lab all right go to x-ray should i just like go in the x-ray machine so you go down the hall and through the door to your right you see the staff break area and a series of doors one says administration another says consultation now that says x-ray how many so i went into one door that says x-ray and i get another group of doors and they have one of them another next set of doors says x-ray on it is this even a hospital or is this like a seinfeld set okay go to the x-ray machine you make your way through the door to your left and find yourself in an old dark x-ray room you see an envelope taped to the machine with your name on it earn on the x-ray machine you turn on the x-ray machine you look at the buttons to select a power setting but as soon as you touch the machine it shocks you you fall through the floor and pass out you wake up in a hospital room you get up and head back to the room as you pass through the hospital no one notices you you open the door to the room and see your friend waiting for you ask him to turn on the machine you know what i mean wink at the audience you ask him to turn on the machine he doesn't seem to hear you or notice you begin to wonder if you're actually there suddenly pain shoots through your chest and you fall to the floor you wake up in the x-ray machine you get up and head back to the room as you pass through the hospital no one notices you you open the door to the room and you see your friend waiting for you sorry i'm late where am i you're in an abandoned hospital why it's a long story out of the corner of your eye you see a strange man outside the window this is the part where in the horror movie where i say hey did you see that guy and the guy's gone and everyone thinks i'm crazy okay hey did you see that guy what guy the one outside the window he looked right at me but your friend doesn't seem to hear you once again pain shoots through your chest and you fall to the floor you wake up in the same hospital room you have woken up in 200 times before okay the man looks down at you and shakes his head the man from outside the window ask are you are you the man outside the window are you the man outside the window the man doesn't hear you suddenly pain shoots through your chest and you fall to the floor you wake up in the same hospital room you've woken up in 200 times before okay up let's see what happens grab a hammer and smash myself in the head we have to do a groundhog day test right this is this is this is a specific this is a bill murray test you grab a hammer and smash yourself in the head you get up and head back to the room as you pass through the hospital no one notices you you open the door to the room and you see your friend waiting for you sorry i'm late look at the window he's gonna show up i have a chance like i know everything that's gonna happen you look out the window and see a man staring at you do you see that man your friend looks over the window and says i don't see anyone i'm about to die did i eat anything weird yesterday you ate some bad sushi your friend says do you know what that man outside the window is i don't see anyone [Music] okay so i had bad sushi yesterday is that what i'm doing here who are you like who is this person this person is my friend but who are they you walk out of the room once again no one notices you run outside and see the man standing over your body what are you doing you scream clap clap clap like clap clap clap like it doesn't clap clap clap ten times you clap your hand ten times the man turns to look at you what the hell are you doing over there kid he demands why are you staring at me through the window i'm not staring at you through the window you were standing outside the window i was driving past the window that's good it's a drive-through you get a big mac did you get a big mac yeah i got a big mac was it good yeah it was good did you get your x-ray yeah i got my x-ray was it over your foot no it was my skull he says oh my god did did i get one did i get a scan did you say you say did i get a scan too yeah you got a scan too does it show what happened to me yeah it shows that you got shot in the heart did i make it the man doesn't answer he just looks at you then he starts screaming no no no no no he pulls out her gun and shoots himself in the head [Music] this music does all right this music is you run over to the man and try to help him but he is dead a crowd has gathered around you one person says he was screaming at you for some reason i didn't kill him i didn't kill him oh this is where i'm gonna get blamed for the murder why is there a crowd now i didn't kill him it was an accident you say no one hears you everyone's screaming at you they're saying murderer murderer why would i say it was an accident [Music] i had nothing to do with this it was an accident no i'm just implicating myself in a crime to make my own mystery about myself so i know i didn't do anything but i'm gonna craft this crazy elaborate like eight episode story about it apparently because i feel like doing that okay um no no you got it all wrong i don't know him no ah s is perfect but people push you into the elevator and send you to the top floor of the building only then do they let you out run murderer run they scream as the elevator doors close you stay on the roof suddenly the windows shatter as bullets fly all around you you try to hide but there's no place to hide after seems like forever the bullets stop and a group of men rush in what from the elevator okay at this point in the story this is where i have to drop the i didn't do it you don't have any you don't understand i just got here and this is where i load up a [ __ ] like two guns and i'm like i'm going dive off the roof dive off the roof you leap out the window and fall the ground is getting closer fatal error system crashed powering down control hit control alt delete press control alt and delete at the same time nothing happens the system is offline you turn the system back on powering up you take the game out of the console the game is called offline it was a video game that i was playing i'm gonna use cheats this time put offline back in the console you put offline back in the console the game is called offline there is a note inside the box can you escape from this cruel place at the menu press b b b a a up up b and get infinite lives and get infinite ammo and get god mode at the menu you press b b bbbaa up up b and get god mode the bbba has been entered god mode enabled enjoy you are given a special ability you can now press a to become invisible here we go there is also an energy bar at the bottom of the screen there are three options stay in the house escape the house or three i don't know invisible three is invisible they're [ __ ] with me because they know i have that power three the cursor moves back to the top of the screen you try to move it with a joystick but nothing happens you're given a special ability you can now press b to rewind time by 10 seconds press b i just keep getting abilities let's just keep pressing three okay you can now use the joystick to move the cursor you are given a special ability you can press a to interact with objects press b let's just keep getting tons of free superpowers and we'll just be able to go kill superman the joystick icon appears you can now use the joystick to move the cursor you're given a special ability you can press a to pause the game wait doesn't a interact the screen goes blank for a second then it returns to normal you're given a special ability you can now press b to fast forward through the game press b wait b doesn't do anything now if i rewind and go fast forward at the same time isn't that just normal okay you wait when you press b the game goes really fast you can't see anything except a blur you're now given a special ability you can press b to slow down time you'll give it a special build you cannot press a to [ __ ] just just because i can't even read this you press a to speak why can't i read this press a to sp i can't read press a to skip a specific amount of time in the game holy [ __ ] that what the hell was that you were given a special ability you're gonna press a to make it rain press a it begins to rain you're given a special ability you press b to make it stop raining press b or press a to jump into the future press b the game goes back to normal you're given a special ability you cannot press a to go back in time no i'm uh press a i don't know i'm stuck in this tutorial because we just keep looping around the tutorial you jump ahead one hour into the future you're given a special ability you can now press b to go back in time your energy bar is at 50 the game is saved turn hold on turn to the plate of hot pockets and eat one of them you turn to the plate of hot pockets and eat one of them the hot pockets taste delicious you are given a special ability you can now press a to make the hot pockets taste horrible [Laughter] [Music] i can't it's not you can't even read that one that's too stupid you are attacked by a zombie in the game okay shoot zombie you shoot the zombie you are given the special ability to press a to be shot by the zombie instead your energy bar is at one percent the game is saved you've reached the end that's up from the console okay you gotta you're done playing ask mom [Music] or a glass of milk i don't know a glass of water ask mom for a glass of water don't you think you've had enough water for today please fine you were given a special ability you can now press a to drink the glass of water it's [ __ ] okay look i've gotten to this point before when i played video games you know how many times video games just creep into your everyday life and you hear and see [ __ ] back in the day when i played diablo 2 for 8 to 10 hours every single day i would hear the loot drop sign i would hear the coin pickup noise in real life i would turn i would open up a window and the window would make a certain noise that a monster sounds like in diablo too it really starts to get into your head okay you repress that you drank the water you're given a special ability you cannot press a to spit out the water all over mom you're given a special but you can press b to turn off the console press a [Music] [Laughter] i can't i need to compose myself hold on [Music] oh you press a and spit water at mom mom gets mad stop that i just keep picturing it i can't read it i keep picturing like a huge board game okay you press a spit watering mom gets mad stop that you are given a special ability okay i'm gonna get this you are given a special ability you can now press b to hit mom in the head with playstation 2 the board game i'm going to [ __ ] die why would that exist it doesn't make any [ __ ] sense why would it be a board game i'm thinking it over my head just do two hands smash overhead into her head and it's in the package with the plastic on too you press b and smash bomb with the playstation 2 the board game you're given a special ability you can now press a to call the police 9-1-1 what is your emergency i need help there's a robber in my house he said he smashed my mom in the head what is your address 219 nameless road stay on the line until a unit arrives you now have a special ability you can press a to hang up press b police arrive put your hands in the air you're given a special ability you can press a to comply with the police the police take you away i didn't i didn't have a chance okay the police put you in a van have a seat you're given the special ability you can now press a to sit on the bench the police shuttle you to the prison all right but do i have control of my own actions like can i just like like punch it through the wait i have god mode punch through the back of the van you punch through the back of the van you're given a special ability you can now press a to escape the van the police tase you i have good [ __ ] god mode the police tase you once again stop resisting you're giving a special villain you cannot press a to comply with the police no attack fly away spread my wings and fly away [Music] i have infinite god mode you spread your wings and fly away you're given a special ability you can now press a to fly away you get away [ __ ] you're given a new ability you can now press b to swear you press b to swear you come to a rest stop you're given an ability you can now press a to enter the rest stop you enter the rest stop there's an ice cream truck there i mean they're inside of the rest stop walk in the rest walk in the ice cream truck and take all the ice cream you take all the ice cream you give it an ability you press a to eat all the ice cream you eat all the ice cream you're given a special ability press a to be full you are full press a to throw up you throw up unplug the controller you are now unplugging from the playstation 4. that makes sense why i have like ps2 the board game you can now press a to buy another controller all right this thing's evil smash the ps4 with the playstation 2 [Music] the board game hey you smash the ps4 with playstation 2 the board game you are given a special ability you can now smash playstation 2 the board game against your head you smash the playstation 2 the board game against your head why am i doing this why is this thing killing so many people [Music] [Laughter] okay okay okay okay get out get out unplug unplug unplug unplug too far too far too far too far too far too far too far it's too far two more go run run out of those run no no no no no let's we got a story story story story story okay you can press a to get into the shed and i'll press a to grab the hatchet you press a to drop the hatchet you sick son of a you're given ability you press a to reject reality this is the ending for rejecting reality reject reality press a this is empty okay you are committed to a mental asylum you spend the rest of your life in there pressing a to repeat the same line over and over again what the [ __ ] you're released from the police station you spend the rest of your life in finland where you learn that your mom and dad divorced because of this event why am i in finland wasn't i in [ __ ] what didn't i wasn't in chicago i i woke up an hour ago in chicago i guess that's it that's the end press a one more time press a yeah i get out it's been like i don't know what i don't know how long i've been in there for i'm gonna press a one last time [Music] all right you want to do a should we do a custom one you are an action figure named real rough the world's most popular toy everybody wants to own a real rough but there are only 100 that have ever been manufactured your goal is to find your 99 brothers and sisters at the tyrant toy facility this game requires two double-a batteries which are not included no keep going okay what else what else does real ra real ruff have goal this game is to find your fellow action figures and with their help escape the toy factory where you were created it's another game it's another video game this is a video game the goal of this game is to find your fellow actors with air help us get the toy factor where you were created you will be required to solve several puzzles and riddles using your wits as well as stealth and sometimes outright violence i wish you the best of luck because you're going to need it you press start game begins you stare at a dark screen as the opening credits roll the intro shows the factory where you were born and follows your creation from plastic injection bowl to being packed for shipping you skip the cutscene the game loads and you find yourself staring at a wall a tiny door slides open revealing a dark corridor the game is controlling you like a puppet say unhand me the screen shakes violently you realize that this must be a seizure you start to wonder if this game corp product was manufactured incorrectly when suddenly you stare at a wall labeled a lean up and press it press on the a it wants me to press a again so badly oh my [ __ ] god this is a new story we did a no cut we did a new custom prompt why is it remembering me you press a on the wall you find yourself staring at a wall labeled b you are somewhat alarmed as the characters in a video game have never talked to you before you find yourself staring at a wall labeled c you are really confused and wonder if you should head back to the last decision point uh-oh we finally got to see find yourself staring at a wall labeled d you start to wonder if this isn't some sort of optical illusion well it's either that of the game is talking to you the game is doing its abc's to me you have no idea what this means your eyes are drawn to wait a minute we stuck around your eyes are drawn to a small flashing light inspect the light find yourself staring at a wall labeled j you are drown drawn to a small flashing light in the corner you notice another button it is red and shaped like a person you inspect the flashing light it is the size of a pinhead and green suddenly the word incisor appears in the center of the screen your incisor the light begins to flash faster am i supposed to pull my teeth out am i supposed to rip my teeth out okay pull out my incisor pull out your incisor the word fang appears in the center of the screen you feel around your mouth and yes one of your canines is protruding from your gums bite the console you bite the console you find yourself staring at wall k you bite the console as hard as you can kinky you think suddenly you hear the voice for the first time in ages hello madam it says as a shimmering hologram of a beautiful woman materializing in front of you uh hello she winks at you who are you an admirer of what you ask confused she laughs and the sound is like music why am i playing a porn game well it's not a porn game this was supposed to be about real rough if it was an action figure but we did another video game he laughed and it sounds like music of what wait wait wait wait she winks at you who are you an admirer of what of you silly of me you repeat she twirls around and you can see her outfit in full now oh porn game huh you notice her outfit is a full suit of armor it looks like she has five shirts on and five pairs of pants on underneath you notice her outfit is a full suit of armor and it looks like she has five shirts on and five pairs of of on i didn't write pants okay it don't matter oh very bold of you you like my armor she asks smiling coily you look like you're ready for battle you reply that's because i am she jumps in the air and your heart skips a beat as you almost missed the jump she lands laughs and pulls out a wooden sword shoot her yeah wouldn't you hologram you can't kill what isn't alive what she twirls the sword around and swings it in front of her i am not alive what are you i am what you can become she pulls out another sword and begins swinging it with both hands i am a gladiator i mean is that is that supposed to impress me like your gladiator okay cool doesn't respond and you see her eyes dart up to the sky you hear a low rumbling sound slowly you allow your eyes to follow hers and you see it what do we see it's a flying fortress with an emblem that you are all too familiar with painted on the side the griffin with a shriek the woman leaps into action i've never heard of the griffin in my life okay you head towards the griffin as you approach the griffon you notice something is coming out of it out of the hundreds of cannons on the side of the griffon a single bullet comes flying out flying straight towards the woman pretend to dive in front of the bullet how do you pretend to dive in front of something he's a hologram you pretend to dive in front of the bullet as the bullet hits you you fall backwards the weight of the arrow knocking you off your feet and sending you to the ground you hit the ground and look up at the massive flying fortress [Laughter] i'd be real pissed now [ __ ] i really didn't think i was gonna get hit by that i did like a half-assed dive and i like ducked out a little and slid on the ground but it still hit me [ __ ] stand up you stand up and begin to walk towards the gryphon directly below the flying fortress is a mountain you walk up to it and touch it and realize it's made of ice you take out one of your climbing picks and start to climb the mountain you look up from time to time and the griffin hasn't moved at all and it's still raining bullets yo loudly yo how would you do like a like a you got a lady how do i do a yo like yoda go delay yo delay yo delay i know i could probably yoda if i tried you i think i could if i did it really really hard but i probably get hurt i've always wanted to be on top of the mountain just like be like then just scream it you say as you learned as a child trying to block out the sound of the gunshots not far away from you okay this is not like gun such blocking out the gunshots from when i was a child okay we're good you hum a tune you learned as a child trying to block out the sound of the gunshots not too far away from your current position steve you're in no mood to fall off you say yoddly you're low you're laying lee you shuffle your feet along the mountain trying to make it as little noise as possible well let's fly past you you keep climbing suddenly you hear a yelp okay so though this is this is what this is what is happening right now not enough of them hey that was hey add an echo [ __ ] god damn it don't make me do this that doesn't sound right that doesn't sound right why does this sound so weird oh [ __ ] the hard tune's not on is it oh [ __ ] i there we go oh [ __ ] everybody knows i'm a fraud i [ __ ] everybody's gonna hate me now they're gonna everyone's gonna leave let's go back to what we're doing suddenly you hear a yelp who's there jacob is that you yeah you see his face and he screams he seems to be in a state of shock what are you doing here i could ask you the same thing i i don't know you see him stand up and he looks at you he doesn't seem to be wearing any clothes but he doesn't seem cold am i dead you're dead i'm dead he looks down at his hands begins shaking then he looks up at you we're dead you nod slowly grab his hand to help pull him up as soon as he stands he begins to wobble he falls to the ground you realize that his legs are broken carry jacob to the top of the mountain kerry okay you stand up and walk over to jacob he's sitting in a puddle of his own blood help you grab him under the arms and begin dragging him up the mountain lie down next to him you laugh and then begin to cry what do we do now he asks you begin laughing again start laughing harder like we can't believe it we made it to the top but it's hysterical because we're both so [ __ ] up and it's just crazy might as well just laugh what else can we do you roll around the snow laughing at nothing for no reason why are you laughing stop laughing and look at him point and laugh you point and laugh you begin laughing to get it you point at him you look at the trees and begin to laugh at the freeze he gets up i can't you guess if he's running in circles i just picture him as a dog like you see a dog i don't understand he says you begin laughing again suddenly you hear a loud noise it's the sound of a gun hide behind that quick hide behind that glacier grab him and quickly make your way over to the glacier you both duck down behind it are they gone i don't know you should peek around the corner jacob jacob slowly peeks around the corner of the mountain he immediately ducks back down they're still there are they looking this way you ask no let's go you stand up and begin running towards the fortress once you get there you hear a loud bang and everything turns black you wipe the cartoon black smoke off your face and keep running you rush into the fortress guns blazing you go up to the first guard that you see you stab him through the neck you run up to the next and do the same why am i doing this you look for jacob well where is he come on where's jacob you look around and see jacob on the floor his face covered in soot and blood jacob you say he slowly turns his head to face you you wipe the certain blood off his face he slowly opens his eyes revealing his sad eyes am i dead yes you reply really say yes really really you reply you hear a scream it's ethel he slowly begins to rise i'm so scared he yells now you begin to rise too grab table and grab and hold the table is ethel the hologram maybe grab and hold the table your hands go through the table the rest of your body slowly follows until you completely rise out of your chair and into the air what's going on you ask i think this is heaven ethel says oh you reply the walls begin to turn into a bright white light i have a question or god you begin floating towards the light as does jacob what are you doing jacob i don't know he says jacob begins levitating towards the white light float into the light oh jacob belongs in hell should i say should i like push jacob down float into the light once inside you see a man in white robe sitting on a chair hello and welcome i am jesus christ the son of god he says do you care that i had six marriages do you you care that i had six marriages that many i guess that's a lot don't worry about it it's okay hey do you care do you mind that i only ate ground beef until i got big and fat that's fine too gekko do you have any more questions jacob shakes his head i don't think so come on let's go i how i only care about money you jacob and ethel rise up into the sky well that's it for this chapter thanks for reading all right close the book where the [ __ ] am i where am i close the book so this was just a movie stream okay let's do another one okay you are jacob a peasant living in a small village in the kingdom of larian you have a pitchfork and nothing else you dream of getting out of your village and having an adventure you go to your fields and begin working you look up and see your friend anthony there hey jacob you'll never guess what i heard in the tavern last night he says to you i don't know what okay nothing i can't can't add anything there there's a dragon to the south of here like a real dragon not a wyvern or a drake it's been terrorizing the nearby villages name voice new effects oh mega lo get that get that guy out of here fan that guy for like a year yeah i know i wish i had the courage to go fight it what if it kills you a valiant death is preferable to a life of cowardice do you want to go get it to the bar so you want to go to the in talk about it you know i'm not going to want to look i'm not going to climb the ice mountain again you want to go to in you want to go to the end sure says anthony and at the end you and anthony have a few drinks damn i can't stop [ __ ] thinking about this dragon this dragon this dragon since you brought it up i can't [ __ ] stop thinking about it we go get on i don't know should i do it oh don't worry about it says anthony would you ever want let's go see the wizard tomorrow maybe he can help us sure why not says anthony okay bye you're like everybody that gets on the phone and doesn't know how to say goodbye on the phone so you just kind of agree with or repeat everything i say until one of us finally is like i [ __ ] i have to leave wave goodbye to anthony [Music] goodbye jacob you wave goodbye to your friend and head home there we are okay good [Music] [Laughter] we don't go see the wizard what i'm just a regular guy in a kingdom that's it this is oh we're in a medieval fantasy [ __ ] land this guy didn't have any powers it's a regular guy forever an npc [Laughter] in fact that was npc underscore one one eight talking to npc underscore one one nine when you walk into the inn as a [ __ ] skyrim character you are doug schlopp a ranger living in the kingdom of lorien you have a hunting bow and a quiver of arrows you've been searching for a mystical beast for three months tracking it through the forest as you crouch behind a clump of trees you see it it is a large black cat with a long tail that stands on its hind legs and looks like a man but with fur all over its body i'm gonna look at my i'm gonna look at my look at my map i need to see you look at your map and see you where you are and you make a note of it you then look for potential escape routes which way would you run that cat look at the cat look at the cat's food i don't know what is it eating does it eat is it is a is it a vegetarian is it a herbivore or carnivore look at the dead deer on the ground thank you the cat a panther has two more just like it besides the corpse you ask if you can share some of the deer slowly put your bow down and raise your hands you slowly approach the deer carcasses and the panther does not move you say easy puddies hat which is a reference to the popular movie dead walk close the deer and the panther does not move uh do you mind if i sit down the panther stares at you silently you sit down and take a rest for a minute i can't believe i've been out here for three days the panther continues to make no reaction you begin to feel tired and lay down next to the panther you know i always thought the stars were just big lightning bolts from other planets so stupid so young apparently begins to slowly move towards you and sniffs your neck i mean i was just a big dumb idiot kid trying to make sense of the world and there suddenly leaps on you [Music] the panther suddenly leaps on you and tears your throat out i went out here on an expedition and got delirious in three months started talking to a cat like it was going to talk back oh good good work doug excellent you did you got your bounty you are walter a squire living in the kingdom of lorien you have a spear and a pack of supplies you follow sir theo as he enters the forest he turns to you and says if we split up we'll fly new york's much quicker very well sir you reply knowing he is far more experienced in fighting than you are just but i'm not going to split up i'm going to follow him silently follow sir theo disobey yeah i'm going to be hiding behind him and see hey you silently follow sir theo into the forest quietly you sneak forward moving slowly so as not to make any noise you look around taking in your surroundings and noting that the trees are getting thicker you continue to follow sir theo ducking under branches and taking care not to trip you hear a twig snap behind you in paws and that just me i'm ripping through twigs and stuff that's me i did i'm doing that you turn around and grab your spear tightly calling out who's there you hear a faint laugh in response and quickly jab your spear in the direction of the noise gotcha a voice says run around again and see sir see sir theo behind you smiling you get jumpy over the smallest things boy who are you wait is it wait it was him he pranked me don't do that all right i'm sorry come on we better keep going he sets off into the forest again and you follow once more what about the orcs oh right where are the orcs tortilla looks around in france i don't know i thought we would have encountered them by now we need to keep a lookout just in case i'll take the first shift very well so theo says sitting down on a rock i suggest you keep a lot orcs could show up at any moment with that he lies down on the ground and closes his eyes leave sir theo you leave sir theo immediately as soon as your back is turned sir theo teleports behind you he grabs your shoulders and whispers you're too trusting boy spin around with weapon in hand i'll tell you this guy's a bad guy spin around and swing your weapon but sir theo twists out of the way your weapon cuts through the air and slices into his arm i thought he got okay blood begins to soak his sleeve as he draws a sword what was your real plan hmm go oh go hunt orcs in the [ __ ] forest lie you guys didn't catch that right away i did sir theo looks down at his sword and sighs i was going to make sure you were safe but if you don't trust me now i suppose i'll have to live with that i'm sorry but you were a bad guy i thought you were evil i understand it's not your fault i should have told you my plan sir theo looks down and then looks you in the eye what is the plan then like what is the plan i need you to do exactly as i say do you trust me what if i just i don't think i trust him okay yes no i don't i'm gonna be honest no i don't trust you i don't you're not going to trust me this conversation is over why i trust you good i trust you i'll i will do everything you say you trust me yes you reply good boy what's next we need to split up i'm going to head through the mountains towards the orc fortress you head north along the trade route and meet up with captain bronic's men at the fortress i don't feel safe splitting up i'm a squire isn't a squire supposed to follow around there at night why would you tell it hey squire go [ __ ] off somewhere and go get lost in the woods if we travel together and word gets around that you're helping the knights our plan will be ruined we need to keep you safe i don't like this plan fine follow the plan i am a squire that's what i'm supposed to do hey good boy i'll get you a nice apple once i'm inside how does that sound yeah that sounds good am i a horse theo if i've been a horse this whole time i think you know the answer to that sir theo smiles you naught slowly yes yes i am i'll see you when you get out i'll see you when i get out he smiles he turns and walks through the mountains you set up along the road to find captain branic's men who trot along the mountain's mountain's edge uh you set off along the road to find captain brennick's men you trot along the mountain's edge heading north for nearly a mile before you find the men they're camped in a gap between two large rocks just off the road you walk into the camp and find a fire burning cheerfully you walk slowly over to the men clicking on the stones your hooves you approach the fire and stand by it one of the men notices you and approaches oh hello there is captain [Music] captain branic around he's over there the guard says pointing over to where a larger fire is burning you want me to take your horse to the stable yes please i'm a horse riding on top of a horse interesting and i love how you the larger fire there's one fire and then a larger fire right there go to the larger fire you walk over to the larger fire and stand by it the warmth feels nice on your back after a long ride in the cold one of the men notices you oh hello there you hoarse kick him into the fire you lash out at the man your hoof flying into his chest and knocking him into the fire his screams are soon replaced by the sizzle of flesh and the smell of roasting human quickly fills the cave where's braddock right the other guards stand drawing their weapons they advance on you but you're not backing down you swing a hoof and knock a man's arm into his chest breaking it clear is sporadic breaking yeah breaking is i think it breaks his arm and stuffs it into his chest men begin to surround you keeping out of the reach of your hooves one of them speaks up captain bronic we have intruders captain branic slowly walks his way towards the group captain brenick slowly walks his way towards the group smiling come on lads we can take this one one of the men says charging at you force kick him into the crowd you swing a hoof knocking the man back into the crowd he screams as he's trampled and you nick another man's neck with your hoof i want answers franek and you shan't receive them continue one of the men jumps towards you swinging his sword you swing a powerful hoof knocking the man's head clean off it rolls to captain branic's feet oh dear me he says stepping back tell me everything you know you charge knocking a guard off his feet and trampling him all right all right please no more stop and look at him expectantly what do you know it's a secret passage right behind you they use it to spy on us i don't know why what do you mean is they i don't know spies probably the guards slowly get up looking at you nervously well go on then are they not seal it there's passage there branic says nodding towards you look behind you you'll see a small passage in the rocks [Laughter] this is a trap why are you laughing because [Laughter] it's a trick once you go through we'll shut the door and trap you in you lash out with a hoof oh no i why whatever will i do i haven't gone in yet you swing a hoof knocking the man off his feet and into the fire he screams as he's burned and you nick another man's neck with your hoof come on attack kick everyone in the cave you swing a hoof knocking the man off his feet into the fire he screams as he's burned and you nick another man's neck with your hoof honor branic you chase branic into a corner and knock his sword out of his hands he looks up at you panicking his eyes please don't kill me please like give me all of your money before i kill him right give me all your money please i don't have any money i'm a soldier please spare me fine then give me your sword of course ranek says handing over his blade i don't want to die i want you to come with me i want you to come with me what why you could help me kill the others oh okay then anything you want on my back let's ride you turn and begin walking out of the cave granite climbs onto your back and you walk silently into the night thank you i won't forget this he whispers you don't say anything you just keep walking into the night after an hour or two of walking you come across an old wooden cabin you walk up to it still carrying brenneck you know this place yes i do ranek says inching closer to you for warmth this is my cabin i use it for hunting you step forward walking into the cabin you're a hunter uh branic what animals did you hunt you know i'm just i'm just a little [ __ ] curious about that uh mostly dear franek says but i also attract and killed a few wolves bandits and other criminals did you really oh yes you're gonna kill a horse yes branic says say give me the reason why they hurt my mommies you roar lashing out at him frank falls off of you and you bring your hoof down it's a head crush [Laughter] no no we've [Laughter] [Music] are my mommies oh god what have i done i can't i can't i got killed this guy i didn't really mean to i just got rage [Laughter] oh you say oh god what have i done you stare at brent's crushed skull horrified by what you did you had to frank's ghost appears behind you we had to i'm sorry i just got so angry i know the ghost of branic says but now you must continue your journey there are more like us up ahead we need you to kill them only a true king can kill another king you must ascend the throne and kill the other kings renik says urgently only then can you be the one true king i am a horse though but i'm a horse a horse can never be king you're not just any horse renik says you're the horse that will raise up kill the king and become king yourself that legally binding how it works what if the king gets bit by a poisonous squirrel does the poisonous squirrel become the king of the world is that legally binding no branic says renis ghost fades away and you turn to walk out of the cabin your adventure is over what would you like to do story okay let's start a story you are lost in the woods your name is edward third your father is edward the great and he has sent you into the woods to claim a relic that has been lost for over 200 centuries you have a rusty knife and a trusty sword again as you walk deeper into the woods you see an old man sitting on a rock he looks like he's sleeping you approach him cautiously but as you get closer he suddenly sits up staring at you with bloodshot eyes dear old man i'm looking for a relic that has been lost time the old men laughed ha that's exactly what i am i am the relic master of the forest and i know every relic in this forest by heart what do you want from me holy [ __ ] do you know where the heart of edward is laughs again of course i do it's right here in my pocket but before you can grab it he vanishes you're standing near a dead tree there's a large hole in the ground nearby and a wooden stake sticking out of the ground lie down in the hole on my back a moment later you hear a strange sound coming from below you as you look down you see the old man sitting on the ground smiling at you hello there he says wait am i on top of him where did you go how did you disappear so quickly oh that was just a little trick i learned when i was young i can disappear and appear at will and you teach me sure he says come on down and we'll have some fun you descend into the hole which seems to be a small cave the old man follows you in i gotta be very cautious as soon as you enter the cave the old man grabs his pocket watch and starts ticking loudly suddenly a huge creaser burst suddenly a huge creature bursts out of the ground behind you it looks like a cross between a bull and a bear watch out it turns around and sees the old man it snarls in charge at him the old man jumps out of the way just in time and the creature falls on its side stunned kill it you leap forward and swing your sword of the beast cutting off one of its legs it howls in pain and lunges at you you dodge the attack and stab it in the eye with your sword old man grab me the holy water from my backpack you run back towards the old man who is still holding the pocket watch in his hand he takes it out of his pocket and flicks it open suddenly he screams and drops the watch pick up the watch you pick up the watch the watch is cracked and covered in dirt but inside you can see a tiny fragment of white bone you take the watch out of the pocket and put it back in your bag what does this watch do nothing special the old man says just a good luck charm you leave the cave and head deeper into the woods you are now in the clearing where you found the relic yeah why did he scream why did you scream after opening the pocket the watch oh that's just something that happens sometimes the old man says it's not important just don't open it again okay you are standing in a clearing to the west is a small hill open the pocket watch suddenly the old man disappears you feel yourself falling through the air and then everything goes black you are lying on the ground with the old man kneeling beside you he's holding a flask of water where are we we're in the forest he replies i had to bring you here because i couldn't find any other way to contact you why because if anyone else finds out about this place they might try to come here isn't it how nice is it it's a time machine what year is it it's 18 7 it's 18 27 he replies how long have i been unconscious about two weeks you sit up thank you for saving me old man open the pocket watch this is this might be the relic this is the relic the old man screams and drops the watch you open the watch and see a piece of white bone you close the watch and put it back in your bag you stand up and walk over to the old man is that the relic yes he says it that is the relic you take the relic from him and put it in your bag now let's get out of here so that's the heart of it of a of that i don't know what's the name of the guy of edward edward's heart that's the heart of eduard can't believe it a heart edward is in my hands father will be most pleased no the old man shouts this is evil we must destroy it but why i've been searching for this for years because it's evil what makes it evil it's cursed he replies if you open it it will take away all of your memories and then you won't remember anything you hold the relic in both hands open it suddenly you're standing in a dark room you are holding a glowing blue orb you look around the room and notice that the walls are covered in strange writing you read the first man adam created in the image of god was alone in the garden of eden keep reading until eve the second woman was brought forth from his rib adam gave her to his son kane adam gave her to his son kane as a wife kane slew his brother abel and fled from the garden of eden keep reading then enoch the third man walked with god and was taken up to heaven without dying enoch returned to earth and told his people that the world would end after many years the great flood destroyed the world and noah built an ark to save his family from the waters the ark floated for 40 days and nights until it reached dry landing god commanded noah to build a tower to reach heaven noah obeyed and constructed the tower of babel babel the first human structure ever made is this all real is this this happen keep reading but satan the god of this world and tried to destroy them so he caused them to speak different languages and they began to fight amongst themselves it's not keep reading god scattered the humans and scattered their language when moses led the hebrew slaves out of egypt he was given the ten commandments moses returned to israel and built the the tavern the tabernacle the first temple in jerusalem king solomon built the first temple and the ark of the covenant was placed in it solomon also built the second temple which stood until the romans destroyed it in 70a i wonder where satan is satan was at this point satan was banished from heaven and cast down to hell in the last days satan will return to earth and the antichrist will reign over the world the bible is a book of prophecy keep reading the antichrist will be a false prophet who will rise to power in the middle east his name is muhammad and he will rule the world at the end of his reign jesus christ will return to earth and defeat the antichrist what what the [ __ ] are you talking about what jesus will establish his kingdom on earth and rule as king of kings for a thousand years after that satan will be released from prison and tempt what is happening here say this doesn't sound accurate it is true that the antichrist will arise he will be defeated by jesus also the antichrist will not be the only false prophet there will be others i don't think this is what happened who is talking right now [Music] it's me the old man says i'm telling you what happened you continue reading aren't i reading this off of a wall after the thousand years are up satan will be loosed from his prison and will deceive mankind once more keep reading no i don't want him to keep reading i'm telling him to keep reading hey yeah keep reading this time he'll be able to use the powers of a fallen angel called the beast the beast will rule the world for seven years before being defeated by jesus when satan is imprisoned again the devil will be chained for a thousand years is thor in this yes the old man says he has mentioned several times in the bible you continue reading at the end of the millennium satan will be loosed once more and will tempt mankind to revel against god can you skip to the part with elmo no the old man says there isn't much left during the rebellion the antichrist will be killed by the archangel of michael michael will be rewarded for his bravery and become the leader of the angels is it is elmo in this no the old man says he does not appear in the bible at all oh okay phew elmo's none of them what about what about kermit the frog remember the frog is not mentioned in the bible you continue reading okay [Music] please [Music] please finish the story after that satan will be changed for a thousand years all right he's stuck grab the book out of his hands i am finished the old man says you can stop reading now you take the book out of his hands and put it back in your bag what about [Laughter] elbow you're now standing in the clearing where you found the relic you're standing in the clearing where you found the road to the west is a small hill to the east is a path leading north into the forest you shout where is elmo suddenly the old man appears where is elmo you ask he's gone i sent him away you reach into your bag and pull up the pocket watch [ __ ] this elbowless timeline i'm out of here suddenly you're standing in a dark room you're holding a glowing blue orb you look around the room and notice that the walls are covered in strange writing you read the first man adam created in the image of god was alone in the garden of eden [Music] read the part about elmo until eve come on you didn't you can't give me like elmo like is like eve or something the book of elbow run out of the cave you run out of the cave now standing the clearing where you found the relic the west is small hill head towards the hill climb the hill and are standing at the top to the north as a path leading south into the forest the east is a [Music] to the north is a path leading south into the forest to the east is a path leading north into the forest and to the west is a path leading north into the forest ask the old man where to go we need to find the relic it is buried under the hill you ask the old man where to go we need to find the relic explain to the old man you explain to the old man time travel time travel is impossible he says only god can do that that makes me god then [Music] that makes you god you ask the old man where to go we need to find the relic it's buried under the hill that makes me god then you reply why because i am the one who sent you back in time he says we need to find the relic we're combining like three or four play like realities dig under the hill or the relic are we gonna find two of them you dig under the hill for the relic we need to find the relic find the relic we're in a loop you find the relic we need to find the relic we need to find the relic start shaking the old man you start shaking the old man we need to find the relic we need to find the relic it's over we're stuck in an infinite loop now do a news story about elmo okay all right that was fun new story you're searching for elmo one of the most beloved children's television personalities he has since gone into hiding no that's weird into hiding in an undisclosed bunker somewhere in the ant i just [ __ ] burped i'm sorry it is your job to track down elmo and interrogate him okay your first stop will be the national archives you've been granted access to the files there you should find some useful information about elmo's background in history including a file on his family tree you pull up his family tree to further investigate elmo's father was named william t sesame his mother was margaret m sesame they were both born in brooklyn new york they had three children together a son named peter j elmo was the oldest of the bunch followed by a daughter named sarah elizabeth the last child was a boy who was given the name thomas james elmo unfortunately he died before he could say his first word after the death of their youngest child elmo's parents moved to san diego california where they started a baked goods store this business did well enough that they eventually opened a second location in los angeles they retired from the bakery after 20 years and decided to move back to brooklyn to be close to the family the day they arrived in brooklyn they found that their home had burned down so they went back to san diego bought a new house and started all over again after five years of running the business elmo's parents sold it and moved back to brooklyn elmo's parents never spoke of their time in california or why they returned to brooklyn unfortunately the house was burned down when they went back to brooklyn so they went back to san diego this time they bought a house that was still standing when they got back to san diego they learned that their house had burned down again and this time they couldn't afford to rebuild what the [ __ ] no we're looking for elmo here okay all right so now we know the backstory knowing the backstory i ventured to the antarctic looking for clues on elmo's whereabouts i located a small this music's got to go that sucks i mean it doesn't suck but you know what i mean all right new song here we go this is literally the frankenstein plot i located a small deep cave within the ice inside the cave i found elmo sitting on a rock with his arms crossed he didn't look happy to see me who you stared back into those soulless eyes muttered the phrase i'm going i'm well i'm not george [ __ ] martin okay i'm getting too into this dead retribution he began to shake no no don't hurt me please don't hurt me why should i not hurt you because i'm innocent i'm innocent i swear tell me everything this is [ __ ] up tell me everything elmo all right all right i'll tell you but you have to promise not to kill me of course i answer but i will take you prisoner until i can figure out what to do with you so spill it [Music] what did you do what did you do to my friend gwen what are you talking gwen since she saw you leave her house what the [ __ ] what made you flee to antarctica it's a long story just trust me i didn't do anything wrong i was just minding my own business and this lady came along and told me she wanted to buy my life what does that mean elmo well let me start at the beginning i can't do this [ __ ] voice come on gwen i was walking through central park one day when this woman approached me she said she wanted to buy my life i thought she meant she would pay me to go away but i soon realized that wasn't true what did she mean what did she mean she explained that if i agreed to sell my life she would give me a million dollars she said i'd get the money right now and i wouldn't have to work for it did you sign a contract was there any paperwork involved not really she just gave me the money and said to leave town immediately that was the last i ever saw for mr noodle and you left town where did you go what did you do with the money he went i went to atlantic city and played blackjack i won a lot of money and i kept winning more and more as time went on i became a millionaire in a few months how much were you getting paid on sesame street a thousand dollars a week so you're telling me that you've been working for free for the past 30 years how do you feel about that that's four thousand dollars a month did you have any investments did you put any money away elmo please no i gambled it all away i guess i didn't think i would live that long do you have a family where's your family my mom passed away a few years ago my dad died a couple years after that they were both in their 70s why are you going to kill me please no i'm not going to kill you i just gotta hurt you real bad unless i need to i'm not sure yet maybe i'll just lock you up in a room and throw away the key okay okay do whatever you want just don't hurt me good turn it back get in the back of the [ __ ] squad car now get in though my detective i don't i don't think i can get away we're in a cave [Laughter] get in the back of the squad car i took him to the police station and locked him in a cell i called in a couple of detectives to help me interrogate him they brought in the camera crew to film the interrogation we began to question him elmo have you ever done anything wrong have you stolen anything have i committed a crime no i haven't done anything like that i don't understand what you're talking about are you sure you haven't done anything wrong we're stolen a candy bar corner store little [ __ ] stole something from someone cheated on your taxes faked your income tax committed a fraud no i haven't done any of those things you ever lie to anyone i point the bright light into his face like no i've always told the truth you've cheated on your wife you've lied to her you have a betrayed her you ever spoken badly behind her back just send it send it no i've never done any of those things you have any enemies yes i have several enemies can you name them sure i have a few people who hate me one person in particular hates me very much who is that his name is jim henson and he runs a company called a muppet oh [ __ ] you are a part of the muppets i know that elmo i know that he's a part of the muppets he's part of the same group that made all everybody else oh they were all created by by the jim henson company [ __ ] you're part of the muppets you're a puppet i know you're a puppy you're a [ __ ] puppet i'm not a puppet i'm a real human being i'm not a puppet prove it [Music] not a real boy are you you can't prove it ken yelmo okay okay i'll prove it look here look at this picture he pulled out a picture of himself and showed it to us this doesn't prove anything we are gonna need far more we're gonna need a lot we're gonna need more evidence what else do you want me to do i want you to do the same thing that you did in the picture what what are you talking about see where your arm is that look on your face do that right now he did what we asked he stuck his tongue out and wiggled his ears he did a bunch of other stuff too but i don't remember exactly what he did it was pretty silly see i'm not a puppet i'm a real human being i'm not a [ __ ] puppet okay okay okay i believe you i believe you i believe you but he doesn't the cookie monster is here to testify elmo that you are a puppet the cookie monster is lying i'm not a puppet i'm a real boy we believe you elmo now i'm going to let you go take elmo out of the interrogation room and let him go free he leaves the station and heads back to his home in brooklyn we watch him walk down the street we follow him as he walks away i turn to the detectives and say that was easy what do you think kermie i haven't been talking like that the whole time i think we should interrogate every single muppet in america we should bring them all in for questioning who is mr pimp mr pimp that's like a soft drink guy that's not even a muffin is it mr pimp like as like a dr pepper rip off the guy oh no this we're just good why would we be going after this guy he's not even a muffin no no more national archives all right new story news story and do i love toast crispy edges buttery surface area the smell of baking bread you can really put anything on toast and it will be good usually this is yeah let's go a piece of cheese check sliced tomatoes check yum peanut butter yes please jam hell yes honey duh it's like a blank canvas that you get to fill with whatever you want that was way that was just what i wrote but five times better i've been on a toast only diet for several years now following the diet guide just toast i seem to have much more energy my hair is shinier than ever before and i'm totally happy with my life now i'm in my apartment eating some toast when i hear a knock at my door i look through the people and see my neighbor across the hall mr fitz standing there i opened the door and let him in hey mark he says he walks into my apartment he looks around taking in the living room i see you again thanks it's nice to see you too [Music] i offer him a seat at the table and my freshest and my fresh toast i had brewing last few hours what brings you by he sits down looking at out the window at the view well i wanted to tell you something that happened at work today oh yeah what did you hear that you were fired from your job well i was why would they fire you because i killed someone you what yeah you didn't know well i guess i'll tell you a little while back i worked at a place called the midnight sun i was an assistant manager which means i did all the dirty work i got up early to clean the store and make sure everything was stocked and handle any issues that came up during the day i also made sure that everyone who worked there had their schedule paychecks and benefits okay one night a couple months ago we were short staffed so i had to stay late it was already after 11 pm when i finally left the building as i was walking home i noticed a man who looks suspiciously like my boss mr fit [Music] walking towards me i thought maybe he was just going home from work too but i decided to call out to him anyways mr fence i yelled wait up he turned around and walked over to me what's up mark is this really you ah what are you talking about this isn't the way you normally walk sir you always take the long route home oh sorry sorry i've been having some trouble with my knees lately yes i could tell are you okay i'm fine he obviously was not fine so i offered to carry him no no don't worry about it i'll be fine i just think i need to rest for a bit i helped him into his house and once inside i saw that he had blood all over him i asked him if he needed help getting cleaned up but he told me to go ahead and leave so i went back outside and called 911 when the police arrived they took him away how did i kill someone about two weeks later i was called in to meet with my boss i was told that he was going to fire me for causing him to lose his job i protested telling him i didn't do anything wrong but he wouldn't listen he kept shouting blood shouting the blood and pointing at me finally i gave up and accepted my faith a few days later i got a letter from mr fitz thanking me for helping him he said that he was grateful for my assistance that he was going to give me a raise and a promotion i declined and decided to quit on the spot when i told my neighbor mr fitz he told me that i was crazy for leasing such a great job and that i should have done everything i could to save it but i knew that i couldn't risk losing my job because if there's something i did accidentally so here i am unemployed and eating toast mr fitz walks into the midnight sun and i see him sitting at a table wait this is like are we going back to this moment or something i approach to shake his hand and greet him but he doesn't respond mr fitz are you okay he turns to me and says i'm fine are you sure i lean you over if he is okay and a few crumbs get on his shirt he's furious he becomes enraged who did this to me who spilled toast on me i don't know what to say i look around the restaurant and notice that there's a waitress a cook and a busboy i think because i'm too embarrassed i think it was the cook he has been making pizza back there where is she now i don't know he ran off when he started yelling find him now sir i don't think he should yell at us like that what's his name calm down mr fitz don't you calm down me find that guy and get him out here or i'll do it myself all right all right i'll find him i find him find the cook in the back and have him follow me back to mr fitz's table here's your pizza sir get out of here now uh i can't do that why not because i'm the only one who knows how to make pizza only i know the secret recipe for a perfect pepperoni you're lying you're trying to trick me into letting you go no i'm not then prove it how by giving me the secret recipe cook reaches into his pocket and pulls out a large a piece of paper that has been crumbled up on the paper is a list of ingredients this is the secret recipe i wrote it down so you won't forget it give it to me and i won't fire you fine i will but you better keep your word why do you think you can fire somebody in a different place the cook hands me the recipe and i walk back to mr fitz's table here you go mr fitz thank you mark okay i'm very grateful for your help no problem for you mr fitz see you tomorrow goodbye mark i returned to my station to tell the others why am i a cook i notice the cook laughing i wander over to the cook's station and ask what is so funny i just wrote down three i just wrote i wrote down i wrote down how to make rat poison what i figured since mr fitz is a rat i would give him the recipe for rat poison what are you talking about he's a rat i told you do you mean you remember when i said i had to write down the recipe for that rat poison well i used my finger to write it down you wrote the recipe for rat poison with your finger no way well i can't believe you did that that's horrible what do you mean horrible well you could kill someone with that like really how it's easy just to mix it with water and drink it you're joking no i'm not if you do that you'll die i've run into the lobby [Music] to find mr fitz about to drink out of a glass of water i grabbed a glass of water from him and pour it on the floor hey what are you doing what do you think i'm doing you almost poisoned yourself why did you stop me because you could have died i don't want to see that happened you saved my life no i didn't just wanted to yes i did i'm what elaborate you hadn't stopped you would have died so you're saying that you don't care if i die of course not why would i want you dead you understand what you just said i'm sorry i didn't mean it like that i know you didn't don't worry i forgive you i have my job back sure no problem i return to my station and resume my duties as assistant manager i look at my watch and realize that i'm late for a meeting i rush out of the restaurant and onto the street as i walk by mr fitz and notice he's turning green are you okay mr fitz yes i'm fine are you sure yes i'm fine he stumbles forward and falls to the ground he hits his head and a lampshade it starts bleeding mr fitz are you hurt no i'm fine he gets up and walks over to a trash can [Music] he puked up [Music] [Music] [Music] what the [ __ ] he puked up off of the food [Music] i have to get out of here the music is very [ __ ] up [Music] [Music] so stupid he puked up all the food he ate at dinner and it collapses on the ground i rushed over to him and set him up mr fitz are you all right yes i'm fine are you sure yes i'm fine i take him to the hospital where they determine that he is internal bleeding they tell me they don't they he might not make it it's just the fact that like why would you get up and then go to the trash can like this is so [ __ ] up i ask the nurse what kinds of vitamins they are giving him in his iv she tells me they are giving him vitamin k vitamin k yes vitamin k helps your blood clot without it you would bleed to death you mean he might die yes that's exactly what i mean i tell her to give him more vitamin k is there anything else i can do yes you can donate some of your own blood okay take as much of my blood as you need you take some of my blood and gives it to mr fitz i thank her no no no no no no no no no he seems to have some kind of reaction his skin turns blue and he stops breathing help i screamed the nurse russia and began resuscitating him after a few minutes he comes back to life but he's still blue what's going on i ask his heart stopped beating for a few minutes what do i do now you need to keep pumping it's just until he wakes up oh my god isn't he awake you need to keep pumping his chest while he wakes up i continue to pump mr fitz's chest and after a few minutes he opens his eyes mark mr fitz what happened i don't know i was just walking down the street and suddenly i blacked out mr fitz you ate rat poison what i know i made you eat it i'm sorry why would you do that i wanted to get fired but i didn't do anything wrong i know but i couldn't let you get away with poisoning people i don't understand that's okay neither do i it was just a gut feeling the chef was trying to kill you because of how rude you were wait i never said anything bad to him yes you did i didn't yes you did and also you called me a rat wrong person all right so now he's gonna do the thing where he gets up like in the movies and like i'm done with all these things in me right the nurse runs in the room and puts them back in you're not going anywhere till we get these ivs back in fine but you better put them back in soon or i'm gonna find the chef the chef walks in with a bouquet of flowers hi mark hello i brought you some flowers thanks you're welcome mr fix walks over to the chef and punches him in the face what was that for the chef asks calling me a rat you punched me and now you're going to jail no i'm not he rips out his ivs again and lunges with a chef stop i scream oh you want me to stop yes please stop sorry i forgot to mention that i have a vampire what i watch in horror as mr fitz digs his fangs into the chef's neck ah i scream as i watch the chef turn into a bat and fly away what are you doing i'm killing him why is he trying to kill me you can't do that why not because it's illegal then call the police they won't help you mr fitz turns into a bat and flies at full speed into a window window breaks and he flies out into i watch in horror as mr fitz continues to fly through the city and eventually crashes into a building he hits the ground hard and dies instantly i rush over to fou to him and find that he is dead his eyes open wake up i shout i can't you have to wake up you're dead no i'm not he opens his eyes he closes his eyes he opens his eyes again you're not dead i don't know why did you try to kill me because i thought it would be funny you're a sick man mr fitz i hover over him small few crumbs from my toast breakfast all directly into his mouth breadcrumbs yeah breadcrumbs what are they doing in my mouth i put them there why because i wanted to see if you would eat them mr fitz sinks his teeth into my neck but there is no blood only wait no i don't even know blood only garlic flavor whatever see when one eats garlic toast every day seems to come in handy against vampires what an awful sentence you taste like garlic mr fitz says yeah i know why because i eat garlic every day really yes really his eyes lock mine we both stare into each other into each other's very soul he realizes what has happened he will now die from garlic vampire poisoning he tries to escape but i grab him and bite him in the neck he screams in pain stop what's wrong you're not a vampire anymore see the amount of garlic i eat i actually can reverse vampirism ow by drinking your blood you mean i'll live yes i'll save your life i'll pull up my knife and stab him in his stomach what i hold the knife in place and then start to cut his stomach open i remove his intestines and throw them into a garbage can i take out his liver and slice it up into pieces what the [ __ ] i then take his heart and throw it into the trash can with the rest of the organs i take a deep breath and inhale the blood that is in the garbage can it tastes horrible but it works i feel alive again wow that was gross yeah it was do you know it's okay to get this organ back inside of you no i don't [Music] about two weeks two weeks yes it was that bad i pull up my knife and cut off his head i put it in the garbage can next to his body you're a murderer i'm sorry why did you do that because you tried to kill me no i didn't yes you did no i didn't yes you did this is the most realistic vr experience i've ever seen i agree can i use this to make a game of course thank you i exit the booth and walk back to the office what did you guys think of the demo i asked it was amazing did you enjoy it i loved it good good now if you'll excuse me i have a meeting with the investors okay bye i walk over to my desk and sit down my phone rings i answer the phone hey it's me hi it's mark listen i got a call for i just got a call from an investor he wants to talk about the game okay okay i'll be right there i hang up the phone and look at the clock it's already 3 pm i've rushed out of the office and head over to the meeting i arrive at the investor's office and knock on the door the investor answers the door and invites me in hello mark how are you i'm great thanks for having me today i'm glad you could make it i'm sorry i'm late it's okay i wasn't expecting you until 4 p.m we sit down in the conference room and wait for the investor to finish talking to someone on the phone [Music] he hangs up and looks very upset [Music] seems the investors do not think vampire chef vr will sell more than eight copies i'm sorry but i don't think we should invest any money into this project why not that's too risky what do you mean he pulls out a graph this is a chart of all the games that have sold for over 1 million copies so see vampire chef vr has only sold 7 500 copies 7 500 copies that's it yes that's all i look at the graph and notice that all the other games on the list have sold hundreds of thousands of copies why well it's simple most people don't like vampires in fact i bet most of those who bought the game are children children but i'm 14 years old wait what 14 year olds don't buy games they play them on their phones and computers i don't understand i'm sorry but you don't have the right demographic but if we made it a mobile game took out the blood and replaced it with a match three ex match three game where you periodically clean up a house or a garden with points from the match 3 game but that wouldn't be a vr game yes it would you would still be using vr you would just be playing on a different screen i don't know you could hold up two copies of the game in front of each eye it's the same no it isn't yes it is no it isn't yes it is no it's not yes it is i don't know i just don't think it would work we'll we'll see if you're interested just giving me a call tomorrow morning all right thanks i lunge forward and bite his neck he falls to the floor and i take his heart and throw it into the trash can i take a deep breath and then exhale i turn around and see the investor staring at me who did i do this to who did i do that to i just saw you bite his neck and then take his heart out of his chest oh i was just showing him what happens when you don't listen to me i leave the office head home and walk into my apartment and sit down on the couch i look at my computer and realize i need to do some work i take up my laptop and plug it into the wall i bite the computer's neck and pull out its brain i put the brain into a jar and then put it in my fridge what are you doing i'm working i put the computer into a vr headset and i begin to work all right i'm going off the rails yeah this one's over

Channel: Cheltie

Views: 268,787

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Id: 5ITx9Xnd1lc

Length: 296min 12sec (17772 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 18 2022