Bert Kreischer Eats His Last Meal

hi I'm Bert kryer and my last meal would be bone broth a breakfast sandwich and Scrapple a Cuban sandwich a public sub and picadillo SOS better known as on a shingle and carbonara a bone in ribey and a country fried steak and a kilo key lime pie for [Music] [Applause] dessert every person has exactly two things in common we all got to eat and we're all going to die today we're joined by podcaster standup comedian vodka impressario and the man who once defecated in a pizza box to win an election B crer welcome to the show that is a great intro thank you so much I usually have to give my own intros CU I people go so tell me about yourself it's Old School radio that's a good one uh Bert are you running for president in 2024 and what kind of box are you going to poo in to heal the class divide in America for those who don't know I ran for office and I took a dump on a pizza box to win the election uh do you remember the exact I can tell you the whole story I can know well the the title is really funny that you were running for it wasn't president it was worthy Keeper of the anals worthy Keeper of the anals fittingly Josh Young was running I was running against him he had a suit and tie and laser pointer laser pointers had just come out and he had a five-point presentation and my buddy Bren Bracken goes you should go cuz I used to run naked just as a joke and and he goes you should go up I said I can't if I do I think I'm going to take a dump and he was like do that so I came out with a tie my whole platform was I have nothing to hide I came out with just a tie on totally naked I looked at the group I didn't say a thing I turned around and there was a group The the previous panel of of President and everything was standing in front of like behind me so I turn around I was facing them when I started going number two I went number one that's why they call it two it's one plus another one okay and I peed all over their feet and they didn't know what I was doing they just saw that and they're like why are you peeing on us and then the smell hit and I swear to God people jumped out of Windows I'm it was Absol the stock market crash in Black Friday it was chaos and then they they check the votes and I won by a landslide bird have you ever thought about your last meal before I think yes all I do is think about death all I do is think about death I think about death every single day I thought about it today in my sauna I think about death way more than I should but I think it's what uh inspires me to live so much like I've done more than the average person should ever do will ever do and when I die no one should say anything other than like that guy did it like that guy really really he got after it and it still can't Stave off your own fear of death no matter how many experiences you wreck up I maybe I I sometimes think I just don't believe in death cuz then I go well it hadn't happened to me all right B for course number one we got the breakfast sandwich Supreme we got a toasted bios bun we got a fried egg American cheese sausage and bacon then if you move over here we got just a nice wedge of scrapple fried extra hard served with all your favorite condiments maple syrup we got grape jelly ketchup and mustard and then then some bone broth may I pour you up please please I love bone broth man I I'm excited about that we came late to the game on bone broth what brought you to the game of bone broth I had a trainer that was traveling with us and she would get bone broth and it was always so good and then I started realizing there's like a joy in making bone broth like when once you get done making a couple like bone in ribe eyes or like uh or like those cat Tomahawk steaks I throw them in a pot I put in onions carrots celery lots of garlic some jalapeno and I let it cook overnight and then the next morning I have a treat waiting for me damn that's lovely man well hey cheers on the bone broth cheers brother there should be cocktails with but it's so good we got to make one I we have a bottle of porosos the Vodka that you created um there's a cocktail called a bullshot that I believe is just beef bullion and vodka shaking on ice and it's one of my favorite things in the world if we could we can can we get some bull shots lined up I mean don't have to line them up but line them up line them up holy cow the best thing about launching a vodka is no one ever tells you not to drink no baby this is business as you're naked in a Target your wife's like you invested a couple million dollars in this vodka keep drinking big guy we got we got bottles to sell this bone bra is pretty great you guys made this from scratch we did the secret is one cinnamon stick in there for only 10 minutes and then we pulled it that's a little aromatic in there really yeah that's really interesting tell me about the breakfast swich why is this part of your last meal so if there is a heaven and my heaven will be making my daughter's breakfast sandwiches that'll be my heaven every morning in heaven my daughters will come come in and they'll be like let's make breakfast sandwiches it is my dad made me breakfast sandwiches as a kid and there's nothing better in the world than being hung over and having a breakfast sandwich and I drank until 3:00 in the morning last night do you eat a big guy now I will tell you this I always cut a breakfast sandwich in half to see my crosssection that's how you judge how you oh the egg squirted the eggs squirted look at that that is so man is their eggs are so awesome come on let me just get in get a taste B come on I got to be honest with you I bet it took them a couple months at least then having chickens where they like we we can eat them too like I we just been eating these eggs God dang it that's so good some bread is so good um I love that you're somebody who shows love through food because I remember Tom sigura telling a story about how when you and him were both broke ass Comics also living next to Roy Choy before he started Ki you would cook dinner for every body and Tom said it was like eating at a restaurant that he couldn't afford at mhm I fell in love with Food Network in 2001 and I started watching Food Network aggressively I fell in love with Jamie Oliver I bought all his cookbooks I started learning how to cook through his cookbooks I fell in love with Ming I fell in love with Bobby fle got to know Bobby fle but it was like my favorite thing so I got really into cooking and I just go and find a cool Jamie Oliver recipe buy all the ingredients bring it home and I'd cook and Roy Choy lived next door to me he was he would the last thing he wanted to do was cook CU he was a chef Tommy had no money and he was fat as crap he loved to eat and so I would make great meals I remember I made them um Beef Carpaccio and and Roy's like wow this is great this is so good how did you make it and I go I got filets he was like huh I was like I just got filet from Ralph's I just raw grocery store me and then I had one meal that switched everything I made a white chili and instead of using chilies I picked up the wrong cans and I got jalapenos and I put 12 cans Jalapenos in there and it was so bad Roy went home he left and Tom and I ate it we're like we're going to have diarrhea tomorrow that's a good old and you told Roy Choy not to start the Ki truck yeah he asked me I'm thinking about quitting my job and I was like buddy that's a horrible idea and he's like no no no hear me out I want to get a taco truck it' be my own taco truck I can make my own meals I I can make do Fusion Korean barbecue and he's like and and I'll be my own boss and that way I can make money doing that and I went that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard and I remember getting a call from Steve Burn and Vince vaugh one night and they're like you know Roy Choy right I was like yeah and they're like can you get us into his taco truck and I was like what and they're like there's 900 people here and we can't get to the front of the line I mean he introduced me to all these amazing chefs that are all the biggest names in culinary in The Culinary world now that I just don't remember their names that's incredible man yeah um between telling Roy not to start Ki and kicking an 11 times Platinum guitarist out of your band in college seems like you got pretty shitty instincts always apre bade yeah shout out to Creed uh we were to ban me John daker Ben Carter Brent Bracken same guy that had me on the pizza box yeah classic but both daker and Bracken were like my best friends we had a band called giving out spankin and uh much better name than Creed by the way I thought so also equally Christian I think and just so you know I was at the Forefront of where Limp Biscuit ended up I was going to be Fred Durst before Fred Durst and then Mark Shani was in our band he was playing with us in the garage he was so good me and B Bracken realized he's going to realize how bad we are and kick us out and this is our band so we were like let's kick him out so we got derer on our side Ben Carter was a great drummer and didn't want to lose him but we're like nope majority rules buddy you're out of giving out spankin and he was like I'm the best person in giving out spankin and then I remember they all said we should go see Mark's new band and I was like cool first show they played was at the Mill in Tallahassee on Monroe and we went to the mill and we had a picture of Killians and Creed played and we saw Creed and we were like they're really good I mean can you imagine seeing Creed play and going like who do we kick out I remember B carner was like we kicked out the wrong guy but yeah Mark trani was in my fraternity he was like a transfer from Clemson or Auburn he denies any of that happened by the way like we i' we've reached out to try to do stuff and he's like yeah I don't remember that and we're like okay BR tell me about the scrapple why the hell is a a liver mush in your meal this is a staple of where my mom grew up Pennsylvania's Dutch country that is where scrapple is from and we had scrapple all growing up and it was like a delicacy my dad would mock it and my mom's like no one makes fun of scrapple hell yeah that's my one dig in how do you eat it I am a mustard ketchup guy hard mustard ketchup I don't really mix I know this sounds crazy cuz I know that ketchup is kind of like a Savory right yeah it's like it's it's pretty sugary But ultimately it's pretty Savory got a lot of savory spices in there m baby boy baby birdie boy great crisp on the out exterior mhm my my family is actually pennslvania Dutch from Allentown Pennsylvania really anytime I go to Philly go burds baby I stop at the ring Terminal Market and I got a scrap of leing cheese sandwich it just delivers I don't know what's in it mostly organs and oats and spices I figure I drink a l alcohol that's got to be absolutely for speaking of alcohol you've recently said that you get anxiety that you get this fear of death when you're hung over um you've also said that you have like a deep love for alcohol we're all stuck in this equation in life right of weighing happiness in the moment versus how long can I keep this happiness going how do you quantify that math equation life without impulse isn't really life it's just predictable and then you're just walking on this Earth until you die like friends of mine in the business who are are pretty dialed in and they go to their spot and then they go home and play video games and then I go yeah but don't you want the razzled Dazzle the sparkle of life don't you want it hit you and then I have friends that I'll get texts from and they're like how great are white Russians at an airport at 8: a.m. like but it's but I love I love I love the in like when you said we should do shots of I wasn't going to drink today I really wasn't going to drink today but when you said that I went my heart races I get chill bumps it's like a first kiss it really is it is nice that's what having cold beer in the morning's like the the problem is with drinking and this is where I've run into it everyone I've talked openly about my my my my fails and wins in drinking and like when I I did fully loaded I was 275 PBS I was drinking we'd wake up we' start partying we'd eat mushrooms we'd take a we'd go rafting down the river it was a blast but once it becomes rot once it becomes the thing you need to get leveled then you got to you got to reassess because you want drinking to complement your life not Define your life I mean there's a real joy in sobriety there really is a true joy and sobriety and if you're listening to this right now and you're like you're like huh that doesn't make sense no no no waking up sober and getting after the day having a cup of coffee getting into a Polar Plunge getting into a sauna putting in a workout like taking your daughter to school listening to a podcast with your wife like just talking and and and being around people there's a absolute sincere joy to that but it's nothing compared to like martini with your dad you know like your dad's like buddy let's go get a steak and you're like oh yeah oh man like I'm gonna I'm now I'm gonna drink today bird for course number two we got the padoo now this was made by executive producer Analise cabal's Cuban mother she literally dropped it off this morning we got the platinos we got the rice we got the beans we have a publ sub we legit overnighted the bread and the chicken tenders and the buffalo sauce from Publix we actually had an artist Hand draw the current paper they use for the sandwiches for maximum authenticity and then oh my gosh we have a kubano sandwich from lunda in Tampa Florida we overnighted all the ingredients here and then of course the bullshot cocktail this is that soup with the poor Osos vodka do we just pound it SLA uh I'll do whatever you do man let's just kill it kill it waa you might that's that's something that's the best thing I've ever tasted that's something you know what that is this is a skinny Bloody Mary this that's a skinny Bloody Mary that's like carnivore Bloody Mary that's a carnivore Bloody Mary you got to make that the official cocktail by the way I I might need another one just so I can figure out what the taste was in that because that was really amazing that was really amazing BR tell me about the picadeo picadeo is a staple it is one of my favorite meals I went to a uh all the all the women that worked in the kitchen were all old Cuban women and so they we just had Cuban food we had just had in your high school cafeteria our high school cafeteria and so picadeo was like every Thursday you'd have picadeo it is so much better than any presentation of ground beef you're ever going to get sure we put like bell pepper onion when I say we I mean Anisa's Mom thank you so much um the whole green olives in it make it that little Papa acid dude it's got that's the the Spanish flare as the green olives tell me about the Publix sub I've never been to a Publix in my life have not spent a lot of time in Florida but I know these are legendary they're legendary because they last forever they last forever it's filled with so much stuff and the thing about Pub sub is you're going to Pub you buy one and this is your meal for the whole day you eat a quarter then another quarter then another quarter then another quarter and then you're good for the whole day and when you come home from the bar there's still some like it's like an army ration you just kind of keep it flowing everyone in Florida knows how precious a pub sub is and uh it's like our Wawas you know what I mean so I can't wait to take a bite D I'm so stoked for this oh grap bread I love the subtle flare of the buffalo chicken because you know Hooters was created in Florida I did not but nothing has made more sense in world I remember going to Hooters for my birthday I was like 11 and being like holy cow this place really rocks they hit the nail on the head my uncles were drunk like it's good huh I didn't even know they had wings until I was 22 did you just go there to Lear and augle like oh my God I'll have another water I went to a Buffalo Wild Wings I like Buffalo Wild Wings also right like I'm a big buffalo W Wings fan I was by myself I was in Orlando about 5:00 at night I got to show at 7 :00 and I watch a young couple about 14 and 15 go on a date it's their first date you can tell they're nervous they sit down and I'm going to be the guy okay you be the girl and remember this is our first date now you are the waitress okay so you can play the waitress sure all right cool so all you have to do is say hey welcome to Buffalo Wild Wings what what would you guys be eating tonight okay now it's our first dat and this is the guy he's 14 maybe 15 this made me laugh so hard okay go this is going to be a lot of fun we're going to a great time tonight I'm so excited to be here with you BT trust me it's the nicest place I've ever been to we're going to have a blast hey welcome to Buffalo Wild Wings what can I get for you we'll be doing the Buffalo Wild Wings challenge hell yes total bro total bro with a bro move think does not know women yet and he's like we're going to have a blast we're going to be to the Buffalo Wild Wings challenge do you think somebody like walked him through his idea for the night and he's like here's the thing Buffalo Wild Wings challenge somebody was like yeah maybe let's table he goes no trust me trust me he went with his buddies one time they all did it and they had the best time and he was like bro the right girl that gets me will be doing the Buffalo Wild we challenge I kind of agree with that though I get it so much I enjoyed it so much and then she had never had hot food like that she like and he's like it gets worse it gets worse can we get milk can we get milk and I sat there and I fell in love I hope they're still together I hope they still together U that's one of those horseshoe things that I would have done when I was 13 realized that stupid but then by the time I dated as an adult as 27 I would have been like yeah no that's the move see if somebody can hang off the bat and if they can't kick them out yeah what are you doing taking a girl out on a date and going dancing and seeing a movie that's not stuff you do when you're married no you're not going to keep that sustained for 20 years the mask is going to fall off you do the Buffalo Wild Wings challenge that's how you know if you're going to have a baby with someone every first date should be at Buffalo Wild Wings and then you should consummate in the bathroom I think of that so much that one moment I laughed so hard I was having a Sprite I don't normally get Sprites but I had was having a Sprite and I was listening thinking what would they drink yeah let's go Cubans uh last of goodness so this is a legendary Bakery out of Tampa we got that like crusty Cuban bread smashed Down super hard swiss cheese Cuban sty mustard which is the best Kum mustard really makes it and the pickles the pickles make it too the crisp of the outside if you notice how thin this bread is right here that's beautiful right there got young BR is something I don't think I got as a kid I didn't get how great mustard was and as I grew up and started liking the Finer Things in life mustard showed up in a really solid way I was like yeah man I'm in mustard the thing I love about a Cuban sandwich is the secondary crunch of a pickle it's so great and it's like an older pickle it's a it's a it's like a woman going through menopause it's like uh it's been there for a while it's seen a lot of stuff but man it's still sexy I've not experienced that personally but I'm very happy that you have had that experience I had sex with the chicken menopause last night yeah H how was it awesome does lean know about it it was lean well uh Florida was Florida is very important to your upbringing a lot of the events of your life were set in motion by the 1997 Rolling Stone article the undergrad detailing your college experience you were a sixth year English major senior at Florida State University a writer comes and profiles you you eventually drop out of school because a jealous English teacher failed you because you had a book deal and he didn't my question is you're obviously very successful not in spite of that but because of that you have a daughter in college now would you be okay okay with her making the same choices that you made not my oldest one why not her she's smarter yeah my youngest one I get it so you don't think you had the potential like you were like no what about was I going to be a doctor I don't know like I don't I never had a skill set that would be useful on an apocalypse so there's people in this world that are meant to learn right and then there's people that aren't yeah like I actually think they should stop we all should take an IQ test and then based on our IQ we have a limited amount of books we're allowed to read because you don't want dumb people trying to get smart that's how you get podcasts and so and so what you should do is just cut it off at a certain at a certain intelligence level and let those smart people keep reading it's like what happens with dumb people is we read a couple books and then we just tell you back the stuff we read as if we're smart we just read it it's not our ideas we're just regurgitating ideas if I give you a book you'll read it and then you'll process it and then you'll develop it into your ideas and then you'll present it to me so like Georg is that brain now granted my brain's different like I live in a different world where I create little things in my head and I I have little dances and and I I I think of things and promos and and comedy jokes and and movies and and TV shows and like that's where my brain resides but that wasn't School wasn't set up to develop that brain school's set up for brains like you are curious people who want to learn more about the world that's Georgia Isa is more like me where she's like she's like she'll get to college and be like I could make dream catchers out of the back of a van and I'd be like good call yeah you would actively encourage like hey you don't need to take this path that everybody says is set out before you think life is about finding your passion and doing what you love because it never feels like work and then you never feel like you're broke you always feel like like my whole life I've been broke I never felt broke I I knew that I had comedy and I knew that I I love this I love what we're doing right now I love doing a podcast I love I love all the fun things about letting your brain expand in that way I was not set up for book learning I was not set up to learn within a a box that's the thing about school is like just go there long enough to figure out what what you want to do and find your passion if it's sailing the world if it's creating a YouTube channel if it's starting a podcast I mean these are the things I'm interested in sailing to Hawai listen to me right now you're probably going ber what am I going to do with my life let me tell you there are lighthouses all around the world and they are beautiful picturesque lighthouses on the great lakes on the coast of Maine on the coast of Seattle and they're empty and they're looking for an alcoholic to sit in them all day long and drink their faces off that's your job go after it I just gave you something uh the movie Van Wilder I got to ask about that because I did not understand those was one of my favorite movies when I was a kid did not realize that was based off of the article about you in Rolling Stone except when they made the movie they got a much less attractive person to play the version of you you said You' never watch Van Wilder unless it was with Ryan Reynolds are you bringing him in no but uh tell me about that would you sit down and watch with Ryan Reynolds would you like to invite him right now I would love to watch a movie with Ryan Reynolds I had nothing to do with the movie Once you make a movie you realize anyone who Stakes any claim or ownership to anything that that is your project is so disgusting so I like I really feel weird for I've ever said any saying anything in the past because I made my movie and I know who worked on my movie and if someone was like yo that machine movie Bert made I had I was like hold on I watch people work really hard so i' it is his movie I had nothing to do with it my goal was to be bigger than the movie I I never wanted to be the guy that that movie was about them I wanted to be the guy that in a footnote in his life they' go did you know that Bert chry that that movie on water shut up one of the things that I'm fascinated by is that so much of your standup is just things that have happened to you right you all said that you wanted to be like this edgy standup comedian with biting social commentary uh and instead you just go up there and talk about the things in your life you're a great Storyteller but none of that means anything unless you actually have the story how have you put yourself in those positions so many times to be able to get that material what's your trick I just pay attention to like things there's things that'll happen that I go that would be a great bit the hardest part is working on it on stage cuz it's going to fail like I had a bit from dazle Dazzle that was my closing bit and it was and it was a bit that the day it happened was we went to an escape room for George's birthday the day it happened I went this is hilarious all the makings of a great all the characters are there the stories there the anxiety the Panic the the no real Jeopardy but really an a perceived Jeopardy is there I was like this is a bit and I never really worked on it and then one night Georgia called me on stage she's like yo are you talking about that and this kid mapped out all the ways that this is a perfect story she's like do you remember we went there cuz we wanted to watch Papa L his I was like what she was like do you remember he pushed Nana into the the Chester drawers and I was like what she's like remember you thought you your pants but you really fart into Papa's mouth and I was like hold on hold on slow down slow down and it was killing on stage and then the hard work is putting it in there so like so like my goal now and and and really honestly you have to sit with a notebook and you have to write down things that you don't think that you don't know why they're good but you know they're good and they'll find a home like Leanne said one time we were having sex and she was her turn I guess is the best way to say that and she said this redneck goes are you going to butter my bread and the way she said it I went and and I just wrote down in my jokebook butter my bread like it just was a it's a funny thing that someone would say in Sex and then I'm on stage the other night we're talk and this other thing had happened with us this sex thing and I'd bring it up and my brain goes butter my bread and I was like butter my bread oh okay coochie okay and then I just I and then all of a sudden you have it but you got to do all the work to like listen and pay attention to the universe and pull in material and plant and and have it ready to be planted inside things how often is it Leanne's turn every time every time ad a boyy every time ready for round three yes I am for your next course we have creamed chipped beef on toast I grew up with it being called on a shingle we got the shingled toasted white bread and the which is a cream gravy with Hormel brand cream chip beef on it and then we got a classic just a big ass mound of wet spaghetti carbonara emulsified eggs and Parmesan big thick bacon bits God dang they pair so well together don't they they sure do they're kind of this is the American version that's the Italian version this was I remember eating this as a child my whole life this is all my mom could make I remember burping this up playing baseball my whole life dude my dad I was going to ask if your dad was a n because my dad ate this in n and that's what he would have said this is what they served in the mess Halls apparently really yeah and he was like a cook and he was like I would have to just heat giant Vats of this and just throw hunks of cream chipped beef in there I've had different people have had different versions of this like I used to grow up with these kids I played baseball with they were Baptist and they had a version of this but with with uh like Vita cheese and mustard mhm slop slop is the it's the apy it's the height of food B this is it this is all we get then we die I wonder if I FaceTime my mom if she'd recognize it got GG on here man Mom cell FaceTime and I'm just showing her that she'll only a shingle wonder if she'll recognize it right off the [Music] bat what if my mom's naked does she normally answer the phone naked from you what did you make what do you think it is uh the shingle that's right that's right Mama crer I'm doing a podcast C I know hi there lovely to meet you I was trying to explain no sh single when they see it yeah the IR cic knows on a shingle when we see it I just well I'm eating it in honor of you so this is one of my favorite breakfasts you've ever made passing my hair into John I'm glad all right I love you I love you more bye yeah this is my mom's go-to that was incredibly sweet man you you have so much love for your family for your wife for other people uh that it's like genuinely heartening to see for me like it's incredible to just watch that modeled Conant I've really invested in like I'm really close with my sisters uh my one of my sisters works at our at our offices my other s they both live in LA I talk to my parents every day um I text I text my girls every day or I talk to them every day and I love my wife and I just I'm just I'm a very dialed into to like like I when I'm this is secret time but you know when I say goodbye to Rogan or Tommy I say I love you I say I love you to all my buddies like we say we love each other and I'm I got lucky to be around great people and uh but yeah I like uh I like good people I'm surrounding myself with good people that's beautiful can I can I dish you up some carbonara can I put it in your prison tray yes please oh this is really proper man um I've started telling a lot more of my male friends that I love them because I do and they're super meaningful relations to me but when I was growing up that was like non- grata like you would never do that right no you would never do that especially growing up in the 2000s you were just like so afraid of being called Gay constantly that dominated your life I bet that dominated your life so many of your stories from say college are about just like men being incredibly cruel to each other but that defining the Friendship do you think that's changing and do you think it should change yes and no like there there was a God damn so good holy smokes I want to get rid of the really toxic dudes like and look I'm a I'm sure I'm toxic I'm certain I am we all are but like I really love being a man like it's so fun uh especially when you have and there's like there's like a term the Bros I love Bros I love Meads I love pro athletes like I love when you connect with a bro on bro like you're like you you like tul I love tul like I love I love the low brow common denomination and look smart people get to do that with NPR and stuff but like why can't morons do that with stuff you're like like have you ever tried a Zin and you're like no like you're going to love it like that's bro stuff I don't want to lose that I don't whatever happens with America and with culture and what's happening with wokeism or whatever I don't want to lose yeah boys being boys as long as it's not at the expense of anybody else right listen I don't want anyone no one wants anyone to feel like no one does and if you do then you're a bad person I don't want anyone I I made that rule when I started doing standup I don't want anyone to come here hoping to have a good time and then me to ruin their night and think of their worst thing that ever happened to them or something that's very personal to them and so and I've done it I've definitely done it but I've tried not to do it and so as long as you're making that intent then you don't have to worry about cancer C yours everyone knows your intense to hurt someone is not cool that's what bullies do I'm not a bully but I like dudes I like dudes too one of my favorite things that I've done recently Reno Nevada me and all my friends we're now 30 years old Kyle just had a kid we're at this hardcore punk Club in Reno that I looked up and I was like guys we got to go see what's up here uh there was a oneperson mosh pit lonely dude me and my six Bros we were like hey we got to go make this guy feel welcome and so we all jump in there and start two- stepping with him kind of like skanking around and then me and my friends decided that well we should all try and see if we can hit each other in the nuts punching someone in the nuts is so fun it'll never not be fun is never not fun like that's our uh book club bird for your fourth course I mean what else can I say we got an 18 Oz bone in ribey here cooked medium rare finished with a little bit of smoked salt on top actually fried in wagu beef Tallow as well and then we got the country fried steak baby this is pure Southern deliciousness this is a London Royal that we've pounded did the hell out of actually crusted it in equal parts flour and Ritz crackers and then fried it topped with a cream gravy with a lot of black pepper if you make redneck food you got to make it with the way rednecks make it and most rednecks only have a Piggly Wiggly next to them that's I mean you would look at any of my my wife's Granny's recipes it's like you need two slim gems a Mell yella a thing of now lers and then you going to crust it in the now lers and so but that is using Ritz crackers is the move you ate a ribeye every single night for a period of time months Jesus Christ seven we're get blood work on Friday we'll see how that did but I don't know I lost 45 lbs doing it and I'm telling you I fell in love with ribey I never was a ribeye guy I was always a filet guy never a ribeye guy then I'd do them in the mornings if I had leftover ribeye I'd put i' say eat it in the morning dig in I don't want the steak to get cold cuz listen man I have a phobia about cold food where does that come from uh how's your relationship with your mother really great do you sleep well at night yeah m T I'm targeting my bite I'm targeting that little pocket oh my God the outside is the best part of a ribeye you said something really interesting in your book that came out about 10 years ago to this day you said that you never suffered from stage Freight but rather you had the opposite that you suffered from the fear of not going on stage and missing a magical moment do you think that your fear of death is ultimately about missing those series of magical moments yeah it's fomo it's just fomo at its base is not being there when the part's still going on is tapping out early and going home and then everyone's like an old David tell joke you should have hung out man eat your sck eat your sck eat the fried version of what you just ate this white gravy makes a country fried steak this reminds me every new every Christmas Eve my wife makes country fried steak for for dinner you know what I made the other day which I I think could be a thing I made Nashville hot country fried steak Jesus Christ didn't tastes that good but if someone did it right I bet it would be really good I've deep fried a Hot Pocket and made a Nashville hot hot pocket and somehow I've never thought to do Nashville hot country for Ste it's so funny you said Hot Pocket and I heard unrustable and I was like I bet that would be now we're cooking baby what do you think happens when you die well it's got to be something magical what do you mean it's got to be something magical got to be something life's too crazy and brilliant and beautiful and bizarre for us to exist in this world that's 85 million years old for us to be here to like be having these crazy conversations that people are watching and we have cell phones and all this has happened for there to be nothing it can't be nothing this is too special for it to be nothing like it's crazy that you get this and then it would be nothing yeah that's too Stark of a contrast you know so you're telling me I get to create life myself with another woman that I love and I get to build a life and I can make millions of people laugh on a daily basis and I get to spend moments in my backyard drinking in Sun petting a dog and watching trees and getting high and going I can't believe those trees were planted from me they didn't know I'd be those are my trees then it's nothing like this just doesn't make sense doesn't add up you it's got to be something what is that something I hope it's like a I hope it's like a birthday party like I hope you die and and then you like like you you die and then you open your eyes again and they go surprise again and again and again and again I hope as we Incarnation I want to come back as me again but I don't like I would never want to be someone else like if you could be me for a day you'd be really Blown Away by how cool it is it's really fun it's really fun like it's really fun I'm a child I'm I'm a 51y old child that no one says no to like I get to do fun stuff and wild stuff and I can and my wife's always going to say yes and I have a vodka company and I do a podcast with my best friend and we don't even get ready for it we just talk about each other's dicks and and I can do a world tour and I get to take my shirt off on stage and I can be drunk on stage and no one cares if I eat mushrooms it's even better if I smoke weed everyone's like this is what I'm talking about this is the best I mean this my life is pretty dialed in and then you're going to tell me that one day it goes to nothing come on tell me about the phrase I wish Bert was here and why it means so much to you oh I'm not going to cry you can cry if you want to man I H I have I have realized I I just just like the majority of people watching this will probably not go down in history and be remembered but you don't want to be forgotten all I want is people when they're having a good time to to go ber Bert would have made this so much better like because that's what I'm good at like if everyone's good at something like but if people in the future can drink poror oos and just pour themselves a glass and be like Dam bro was solid dude damn man I I think there are currently people right now saying damn I wish Bert was here I think that's happening more concurrently than you think it is and I think that's that's a beautiful thing you have affected so many lives right the fact that you know um when I tell people that we did this they're going oh man did you take your shirt off and I was like no you know what I mean but like I'm saying like you have that Touchstone like you have affected so many people and that is so much more than 99.99% of people in this world can say and I think there's a hell of a lot of people that when you die they're going to say damn I wishper was here just especially like your kids and uh your wife and your friends and your family but like even like deeper than that like you know there's a we we lose a lot of people in stand up and uh you definitely think that like about like just your your buddies that have passed away you definitely go like man that or or when especially when someone doesn't know them and you and you celebrate them to someone that never really got to meet them you know I won't mention any of our friends names but you know everyone knows who we're talking about and uh when you celebrate them to to each other it's really powerful it's really powerful when you remember person and how great they were and how generous they were and how funny they were that's our business is funny and when we share funny stories about our buddies that passed it's so fun and I just hope that minor is fun and that people are like d this is what I think about death I get so worked up because I know it's real I know it's going to happen I know it's going to happen I don't want it to I don't want it to I want to live forever I want I want to just be around forever and I want always party forever and I want everyone to always laugh forever I just want everyone to be having a great time forever I don't it's so stupid that it just turns nothing I I don't believe I can't believe in that I refuse to believe in that I hope I'm a ghost and I'm just hanging out in green rooms going like what about bird he would have gotten shot at the foot of my wife's bed who's this dude is it your turn yet Le he looks like a selfish lover no I will say the first time that we ever met not only did we drink together on your show something such a great such a such a great episode great episode an incredible time and it was so fun getting drunk and laughing and doing all that but the most meaningful thing to me was afterwards when you were giv Nicole and I a pep talk about it's not the show it's not the media platform it's not the audience it's you you are the reason that you are successful and you are the reason that you will continue being successful it was some of the most powerful words that I've ever heard in my life and it's something that I think about dayto day so even your legacy even if it's not everybody having a good time all the time you know there's going be times in life um you actually said one of the most meaningful things for me to get me through those times so I appreciate that no I appreciate I appreciate the friendship we've built I think this is really cool getting to know especially dude's younger than me look I'm 51 I just found out the other the day I thought I was 52 and and but like but I like being around like this I told you walking into this place it's kind of cool having lived the life where I can acknowledge the past of Television production and what it used to be like and then see what you guys are doing and be overwhelmed you know a lot of people at 51 would come and be like whatever I don't give you I come in and I get genuinely impressed and I love that youthfulness I don't ever want to get rid of it I don't ever want to get rid of it on my death bed I want to feel young I want to be shocked that it's happening I want to happen instantly my may I don't know maybe attacked by a shark or something I don't know I wouldn't mind fighting for my death that would be cool yeah I think we should bring back trial by combat I think that's the only thing we're in boxes we're killing each other in trial by combat I think we this can I tell you I think we have we have a show called cancel the game show right so people that have been canceled come on the game show and then we find public penants like the letter A where we go Roseanne Bar you said some wild about Jews you are Jewish we understand that but what we're going to do is we're going to cut a scarf from here to here on your face so that we acknowledge that you've met and then you're you're good you're good you can say all the wild you want but thepoke punishments for all the people yeah and then when she says wild she go guys forget about this and they're like okay no she can say whatever she wants like Kanye West we're like Kanye we're going to take both your pinkies listen here's the deal we're going to do it on camera we're going to watch you go I'm a I hadn't said that stuff and we're going to believe you then when you have no pinkies I mean I think it's a good idea for a game show I don't know it'd be hard to do [Applause] bird for our final course dessert we have a keto key lime pie now we actually found sweetened condensed milk made without sugar with Splenda we Blended that up with some eggs we baked that into a pastry crust we have some Splenda sweetened whipped cream with some lime zest on top this looks phenomenal oh my God that is dense and sweet the whip cream is good cuz I'm also nervous about this that's good that's really good that's amazing sugarfree there's a bite at the end of a keyme taste like it's almost like when a when you're a kid and you ride a bike and you skid in front of your friend and go that's what keyme pie does it goes like you love me but you ready to get in the lightning round I am who's the one person Dead or Alive you'd want to share your actual last meal with that's a good question I can also make a multiple choice oh do multiple choice yeah I'd be curious who you think Jesus Christ Leanne slash was not Leanne I'll tell you that he spent every damn day with her who cares I partied with Slash one day he was pretty cool M I Think Jesus would be a little exhausting sure like you know like there's a lot you'd say to Jesus you like hey man it's not my thing you like what's a joke and you be like I know but they're all people and you're like okay Jesus feel like you've heard all the stories before like imagining interviewing someone whose stories you've like heard before on the Internet it's called Bert crer did I tell you about the time I got involved with the Russian mafia I probably if I'm going to do a last meal I got to say my stupid wife cuz it no not her because I she eats too slow slash slash the I'm going slash and my opening thing was hey tell me what it's like to own poisonous snakes you know he had poisonous snakes in his house and then there was an earthquake and they all got out no you think how terrifying still I want to die on slash poison to crawl up the toilet and bite my what's your favorite Maya anelu poem uh so funny I went through a huge myangelo period of my life cuz I uh I I I I couldn't even be able to tell you but I used to read her poems when we take mushrooms I got really into mushrooms in myangelo at the same time my parents were getting divorced and I was like I'll find my spirit in my in myangelo and we would get high on mushrooms and do road trips and read my angel poems and be like I get it no we didn't get it we didn't get it whose mom would win in a fight yours Tom sagur or the Kelsey Brothers mom well we got to measure ourselves on this one uh I would say the Kelsey's mom cuz she became she birthed to professional athletes there's good genetics inside there my mom would spend the majority of her time looking for her glasses uh and Tom's bom and I love her Char's a great woman but I don't see her being the most agile person in a fight I wish I had never suggested that our mom should fight because our moms are going to get their asses whipped but but I'm going with the Kelsey's mom yeah no that that's see I put my money on too I actually I can just see her taking a punch from my mom and going that's all you got what song do you want to be played at your funeral number one is changes by Blind Melon that's I want that played at my funeral I want Fortunate Son played at my funeral like I I'm trying to think my intro song like when they walk me in to the casket is probably uh rambling Gambling Man and then all of a sudden the doors kick oh I'm going to sing my song Come On And everyone's come on I was blown L Down by the Riverside never knew fing Wheels but eyes and everyone's kind of bouncing right and then you put the thing up and then they're like everyone please take a seat uh what's your biggest fear death it's yeah just I'm so shocked we talk about that today get I'm shocked my daughter's afraid of bees and I go then I'll kill you what's your greatest regret in life uh not spending more time with my kids without a doubt I I I was too focused on making money and and getting a career up and running to to to be present at times because I just was so worried that I wasn't going to achieve anything and I was going to end up working myself out and not making any money and then they'd have this loser dad who didn't make any money and then I would regret ever making the decision to get into comedy and I was like I got if I'm going to do this I got to go Full Tilt I got to get after it I got to wake up every day with a Sprint in my step to try to be the Best comedian I can be and that I can only do that by working every night and getting on the road and touring and if I have a special I need to commit six months just to the road and like I was very focused on my career and in hindsight I realize as Isa leaves for college in four months that I wish I could get those times back I wish I could go back and and and just slow down and be like who gives a finally are you happy I'm the happiest man you'll ever meet in the world on a day-to-day basis I wake up grateful filled with gratitude so appreciative of every gift that's been given to me every person that's ever liked anything I've done the idea that I can stand the idea that my blood pressure is 116 over 64 the fact that I'm am lost weight that I'm healthy that I can still drink I'm so lucky to be here I'm breathing I'm standing I have a pool I have a great wife I got great kids I'm making more money than I ever thought I would make and I'm loving what I do for a living I get I get to hang out with new people and inspiring people and I and I am the luckiest dude in the world for again thank you so much man fantastic meal love the Insight if you want to deliver your last words to that camera right there my last words when I die whoever is looking at me you will not be forgotten and you will not man because you can buy the bur official Memorial poor oo's botel we're gonna do a complete exclusive drop when he dies it's gonna have a picture of his bloated corpse right here it's going to be a collector's item it's be fantastic uh Bert again man thank you so much and everybody uh thank you so much for stopp by mythical kitchen Bert tell them where they can find you go to burb b.com see me on the topsoft world tour I am touring up until July where I shoot my special for Netflix in St Petersburg Florida we have added a Wednesday show uh and then when that comes out I'm off for nine months I'm going to try to live a regular life you don't play pickle ball pickle ball kills a lot of people what the mythical cookbook is finally here order your copy now at mythical cookbook. comom and make any kitchen a mythical kitchen

Channel: Mythical Kitchen

Views: 917,193

Keywords: mythical kitchen, mythical, chef, josh, scherer, nicole, food, taste test, snack, smash, fears, fancy, fast, recipe, culinary, cooking, cook, bake, baking, mythical chef josh, culinary bro-down, good mythical kitchen

Id: palAzhniUBg

Length: 45min 59sec (2759 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 14 2024