10 Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder Exposure | Effect of BPD on Partners

welcome to my scientifically informed insider look at mental health topics if you find this video to be interesting or helpful please like it and subscribe to my channel hello this is dr. Brown day today's question asks if I can discuss the effects of exposure to borderline personality disorder our first with this disorder as BPD so this question is really talking about the effects on the partner of somebody with BPD as opposed to the effects of the disorder on the person who has it so answer this question by looking at the ten signs of BPD exposure in this video I'll be focusing on romantic relationships here as the context I'll refer to the partner of somebody with BPD so talking about a romantic partner BPD exposure of course can affect other people like parents children siblings and Friends but the most common victims of BPD exposure are romantic partners before I get too far into this topic it's important to note that borderline personality disorder can lead to a lot of suffering and it often does it also leads to dysfunction and frustration the person with the disorder often suffers tremendously especially if the symptoms are severe and that of course doesn't mean that we should dismiss the suffering of the partners of individuals who have BPD but rather it's important to keep in mind that everyone is suffering when borderline personality disorder is involved as I go through the signs of BPD exposure I'll be using the example of a female with BPD and a romantic partner who is male there are two main reasons I configured this video in this way first much of the research literature is actually focused on this particular dynamic second using he and she is more expedient clear and precise than using the word they many of these examples of course would continue to be valid with other gender combinations now let's get started with the ten signs of borderline exposure sign number one the partner is unsure how his behavior connects to what happens in the relationship so what do I mean by this with BPD we see an unstable relationship pattern the person with BPD tends to alternate between idealizing and devaluing her partner this love/hate cycle is not necessarily connected to anything that the partner does so he ends up not knowing how his behavior fits in with relationship outcomes he doesn't understand the effect because it's not actually connected necessarily to her behavior in a sense there's this idea that the anger the arguments the conflict are all random no matter what the partner does he can't affect the outcome he can't improve the relationship he can't fix things and he can't repair damage in a sense it comes down to a feeling of powerlessness moving one to sign number two this is having feelings of shame and guilt this really fits in well with the first sign because the partner is unsure about why the borderline behavior is happening and he may start to believe that he is responsible for the symptoms he may ask himself did I caused this other questions he may ask himself am i good enough am i loving enough to make this relationship work and am i missing something and I've seen this really discussed in two senses when somebody says I'm missing something they could be talking about not seeing an explanation for the behavior like am I looking at this person and just not seeing something I should be seeing the other sense would be some characteristic that I should have that I don't that makes me a poor partner moving going to sign number three this one is paranoia and hyper vigilance now this is interesting because paranoia is actually a symptom of borderline personality disorder and hyper vigilance is a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder I think we see these symptoms because the partner can be randomly attacked for seemingly no reason at least not a reason that he's aware of he worries about when the next anger outburst is coming really it's similar to the first sign it really comes down to Paros ness he doesn't have control over what's going to happen next he can't figure out what to do to stop the anger and aggression sign number four the partner may draw the disdain of friends and relatives with BPD it's unusual to see behavior consistent with vulnerable narcissism for example we see shame hyper sensitivity to criticism resentfulness and distrust along with those characteristics comes this idea of playing the victim with BPD we see a lack of ownership we don't see somebody taking responsibility for their actions but rather framing every situation as them being the victim as the individual with BPD talks to her friends and relatives she tends to shift the blame for her negative emotions over to her partner those people might believe that the partner is responsible for what's going on or that he is too sensitive he may hear a variety of questions from friends and family members some examples why are you so upset at her because she's being mean to you so this is really kind of like minimizing like you shouldn't be upset just because somebody else is a little bit mean or has a little bit of anger next question if she really attacked you why didn't you fight back so this is really just not understanding how things really work in relationships involving BPD people sometimes tend to believe that combat can somehow solve the problem among the many reasons why the partner won't fight back would be the fact that much of the time when there's a fight between romantic partners both people end up getting arrested if the police are called also the partner knows the tendency of playing the victim that we see with borderline the partner worries that he's going to be falsely accused of being the aggressor we know from the research literature that a woman with borderline personality who attacks her partner is often injured in that process so again the partners just kind of doing the math here he realizes if there's going to be some sort of physical altercation and the individual BPD is going to be injured as part of that altercation he may very well get blamed right so this is just him being defensive him trying to protect his own interest in terms of the legal consequences so asking why didn't you fight back is really just simplifying this matter to a great extent another question he might hear why don't you just leave if it's really that bad why didn't you leave if it was that bad again kind of treating the relationship as if it's extremely casual and there's no investment this one's really being particularly flippant and the last question he may hear from friends and relatives would be what did you do to make her that way so squarely shifting the blame onto the partner sometimes friends and relatives figure out what's going on especially if the borderline behaviors are extreme and they tend to happen over a long period of time so people see the pattern eventually so there may be some relief for the partner in terms of this particular sign as time goes on signed number five is a fear of abandonment now this of course is ironic because this is one of the symptom criteria for BPD but this fear can also be experienced by the partner this unstable relationship leaves the partner wondering if he's going to be rejected if he's going to be alone at some point because of this it can also lead him to not want to invest a lot of energy in the relationship because it may be destined to fail moving to sign number six this is depression I think one reason this could happen is because the partner asks himself will things ever change there comes this sense of hopelessness in these types of relationships he may also ask himself where of all my friends going right a lot of the friends of this couple don't want to deal with the couple so the partner becomes isolated and again this is connected to depression the partner also has a number of unmet needs including emotional needs in a sense he's suffering from emotional starvation he's unable to connect at a deep level with the individual with BPD and this can be a struggle signed number seven is the partner becomes familiar with the legal and mental health system because of the many interactions with law enforcement and mental health providers the partner becomes familiar with navigating the system he becomes well known to authorities and treatment professionals in a sense this can be a good thing for the partner as it can result in him being connected with services so if he ever needs to leave that relationship he can understand these two systems and this might be helpful in helping him to get the relationship safely sign number eight the partner may feel reluctant to advocate for himself and or reluctant to seek support why does this happen I think there are a few reasons for this but one that really stands out to me is the concept of unequal damage so I'll illustrate this through a couple of analogies imagine sitting in an uncomfortable chair in a hospital room visiting someone who is recovering from surgery the fact that that person you are visiting is recovering from surgery doesn't make the chair any more comfortable but complaining about how the chair makes you feel doesn't seem equitable it doesn't seem polite in that context because again you're there with somebody who is suffering more another analogy I remember some time ago one of my neighbors accidentally drove into my old full-size pickup truck that I have in my driveway the bumper of the truck had some gashes and there was some paint transfer but her car was significantly more damaged it sustained a lot of damage to the hood and grille so it was my neighbor so of course I didn't worry about it but even if it were a stranger that unequal level of damage would have probably led me just to not worry about it right it's an old truck old trucks get banged up and with her car really having all that damage it just felt like complaining again wouldn't be polite sometimes it's more socially appropriate just to let things like that go that doesn't mean my truck wasn't actually damaged again it's just comparing it to the other damage that makes it seem like it's a better idea not to worry about it so moving back to the situation with borderline I think this is what's happening some of the time the partner just feels guilty about pointing out the suffering that he's experiencing in light of the greater and more obvious suffering of his partner who has borderline personality disorder now moving to sign number nine this is the partner having a back-up plan in terms of living arrangements relationships involving one person with BPD are characterized by frequent breakups and reconciliations so the partner creates a back-up plan so that he can continue to function in other areas of his life when the couple is separated right this is just a product of learning he sees the pattern and he makes adjustments so that he's less inconvenienced when these breakups occur this often takes the form of having an arrangement with a friend right so the partner has a friend and that friend knows that the partner may need to live at that friend's place one short notice so it's just a matter of creating backup plans and letting people know that one's relationship is unstable right people become aware of that and some of them are willing to help and the partner has to take advantage of this help once in a while moving to sign number 10 this is the expectation or the concern of a sudden and violent death right this one seems morbid but I've seen this many times and as is the case with many of these examples this actually applies of course to any gender combination the partner of an individual with BPD although statistically unlikely to die from homicide is still at an increased risk and is often aware of that danger I think much of the time this is more product of frustration and depression as opposed to actually believing that they're going to be murdered by their partners but it is still something that I hear regularly and it is supported by the research literature meaning there is a cause for concern in these types of situations violence can lead to a lot of negative outcomes including death I think this underscores the importance of considering all appropriate options in a relationship like this such as ending the relationship relationships involving borderline can be enduring and in some cases can be satisfactory but clearly there are real risks which need to be thoughtfully considered as much as couples want to work things out some relationships just aren't meant to be another interesting point with this last scientists sometimes they see that people really aren't necessarily distressed about this expectation right so it's not really the concern part as much as the expectation they believe that someday things will work out badly for them but they're not necessarily worried about it almost like they've just accepted that that's the way the thing are going to be right which is kind of a sad position to be in a relationship so violent so filled with aggression and anger that a partner looks at it and says yeah things are gonna end up badly for me someday but I'm not that worried about it I just know it's what's gonna happen right I just have to be a realist so again when thinking about that type of outcome if there's really an expectation of that that has to be worrisome that's a good time to reach out for help counseling and other types of help to support the partner and the individual with BPD to keep that relationship safe so I know whenever I talk about topics like borderline personality disorder there will be a variety of opinions please put any opinions and thoughts in the comment section they always generate an interesting dialogue as always I hope you found my analysis of this topic to be interesting thanks for watching

Channel: Dr. Todd Grande

Views: 119,841

Keywords: borderline exposure, toxic relationship, borderline, borderline thoughts, borderline personality disorder, BPD, Cluster B, personality disorder, antisocial, narcissistic, histrionic, frantic efforts, unstable relationships, identity disturbance, impulsivity, suicidal behavior, affective instability, chronic feelings of emptiness, anger, paranoid ideation or dissociation, romantic partner

Id: Hbou0nRkYZg

Length: 14min 12sec (852 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 17 2020