[Announcer] Saturday Supercut. - Welcome to storytime. I'm Pear and today I'll be
reading a classic fairytale, Hansel and Gretel. - And I'll be helping. - I didn't ask for your help, Orange. - Well you're getting it anyway. (laughs) - Great, alright. Once upon a time, there were two children named Hansel and Gretel. - [Orange] And they were really sad because their names were funky. (laughs) - Orange, if you don't know the story then don't say anything. (mumbling in a mocking tone) - What was that? - Nothing! - Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay, now their mean
step-mother hatched a plot to ditch them out in the woods. - [Orange] Wow, that's a
ditchy thing to do. (laughs) - [Pear] But Hansel and Gretel were smart. On the ground behind them
they left a trail of... - [Orange] Reece's Pieces! - [Pear] What? No, breadcrumbs. - [Orange] Nuh uh, I remember
that, it was Reece's Pieces and E.T. thought they were delicious. - Chocolate. - [Pear] What? Dude that didn't happen. - [Orange] Sure did! And then Hansel and Gretel
and E.T. had a dance party and E.T. showed them the greatest move, the no-pants dance, yeah! - Dude, that didn't happen! - It did too, E.T.
didn't have any pants on so that's why they called
it the no-pants dance. - No, not that. E.T. has nothing to do with this. - So what you talking about? - We're doing Hansel and Gretel. - Oh, right. (laughs) - [Pear] Okay anyway Hansel and
Gretel get lost in the woods despite the trail they left on the ground. - [Orange] Because E.T.
ate the Reece's Pieces. - [Pear] Gah! But they soon came upon
a house made of candy, that's just incredible! - [Orange] And edible! (laughs) - [Pear] That's right,
they start eating the house and suddenly a mean old witch comes out... - [Orange] And wraps them and flies them across the sky in front of
the moon on her bicycle. - [Pear] No, that's E.T., Orange. - [Orange] Wrong again, whoops. I meant the DeLorean. - [Pear] She doesn't do that either, dude. - [Orange] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It was pterodactyl, that's right. - Hey, there is no pterodactyl. Could you let me finish? - Okay, okay. - [Pear] So the witch takes the
kids inside the candy house. Once inside, she tells
Hansel to get into the... - [Orange] Griddle. - [Pear] Well, it's the
oven but close enough. - [Orange] And so Hansel's
super confused now 'cause the witch wants him to stand on top of his sister for some reason. - [Pear] Her name is Gretel. - [Orange] Yeah, that's what I said. - You said griddle, her name is Gretel. - Right, griddle. - Gretel. - Griddle. - Gretel. - Griddle. - Gre-tel. - We're saying the same exact thing, Pear. - We are not! Would you let me finish this story? - Okay, okay. But don't say something
you'll re-gretel. (laughs) - Ahhhh! Hansel and Gretel come up with a plan to trick the mean old witch. - [Orange] Ooh, pranks. This is the part where
they trick the witch into sitting on a whoopee cushion, right? - [Pear] No, dude. - [Orange] Oh, they trick
her into clicking on a video that was actually a Rickroll. - [Pear] What are you talking about? - [Orange] Yeah, and then they tricked her into eating a cake filled with boogers. - [Pear] What? Would you knock it off right now? Please just let me finish this story! - Gees, okay. (laughs) - [Pear] So Hansel and
Gretel come up with a plan and trick the witch into
climbing into the oven. They flip it on and voila! They're saved from the witch! - [Orange] Which witch? - [Pear] Um, the witch
we've been talking about this whole time. - Which is which witch again? - Oh I see, you're just saying the word witch a bunch. - But which witch is which? (laughs) - [Pear] Stop it. Anyway, Hansel and Gretel get
rid of the witch and they... - [Orange] They phone home! - [Pear] No, that is E.T.! - [Orange] (laughs) They phone home and got to go back to their home planet, where they ate a bunch of Reece's Pieces. - [Pear] No, that didn't happen. - [Orange] Yuh huh, E.T. and
the pterodactyl were there too. They ate Reece's Pieces and they danced the no-pants dance to the end of time. - [Pear] That isn't how the story ends! - [Orange] Yuh huh, yes it is, the end! - [Pear] Nope, ugh, Orange! Welcome everyone. I've got my cup of cocoa here and this should be a very relaxing, pleasant storytime with Pear... - [Orange] And Orange! (laughs) - [Pear] Goody, ugh. Today I'll be reading you the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. - [Orange] Nah, we don't
need no stinking book, I know this story by heart. (laughs) - [Pear] Huh, do you? 'Cause last time... - [Orange] Once upon a
time, there was a young girl named Goldilocks. She was named that because her hair wasn't actually hair at all, just a bunch of bike chain locks. - [Pear] What? - [Orange] And she had
a couple of gold teeth that were super tough-looking. - [Pear] What? - Um excuse me, Pear,
who's telling the story? - [Pear] Huh, it's supposed to be me telling the story. - [Orange] And yet, here
I am telling it. (laughs) Anywho, after a long day
of keeping bikes secure outside the local elementary school, Goldilocks went for a ride into the woods and came upon a house. Nobody seemed to be
home but she went inside like a total creeper. Inside were three chairs. - [Pear] One small chair, one large chair and one medium chair. - [Orange] Nope, they
were all the same size. Goldilocks sat down in the first chair and suddenly arm shackles sprang out and a thing came down smashed on her head and she realized she was
in an electric chair. - [Pear] What? - [Orange] And at this
point she said to herself "this chair is too electrified," so she moved on to the next chair. - [Pear] Oh, good grief. - [Orange] She sat in the next one, it was very comfortable until
she found a lever on the side and she pulled it and it turned
out to be an ejector seat. - [Pear] You are making this up! - [Orange] Nah ah,
Goldilocks got ejected up like a zillion feet into the air. Luckily she was wearing her
squirrel weight suit though and flew right back into the house safely, so she could sit in the third chair. - [Pear] I can't wait
to hear what crazy thing you have planned for this third chair. - [Orange] Nothing crazy, the
chair was perfectly normal. And Goldilocks realized
"this chair is just right." - Okay good, now we're getting the story back on track. - Nah, you didn't let me finish, Pear. Goldilocks realized "this
chair is just right," up another lever, which she pulled and got ejected up into the stratosphere. - [Pear] What? - [Orange] Yeah, she orbited the Earth a couple times up there, because luckily she had
her space suit with her. - [Pear] How many suits
does this girl have? - [Orange] And then she squirrel
suited back to the house, passing an air traffic
control tower along the way, making a sonic boom right
next to them as a prank. (laughs) - Goldilocks! - [Orange] But Goldilocks
flew back to the house, kept walking through it and
came upon three boomboxes. - Boomboxes? - Boomboxes, Pear. You know, from the '90s. - I know what they are,
I just didn't realize there were boomboxes in the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. - [Orange] There sure are. See, there was one small
boombox, one big boombox and one medium boombox. Goldilocks turned on the first one and it was playing '90s hip hop and she starting bugging out to it. - [Pear] Bugging out to it? - [Orange] Uh huh, then she
tried the bigger boombox and that music was even more bug-out-able. And she started dancing like crazy. The girl was out of control, Pear. - Alright, now let me guess. She played the third medium sized boombox and the music was just right. - Nope, she didn't make
it to the third boombox. The three bears came
home and they were angry. So, they ate her. - [Pear] They ate Goldilocks? - Um yeah, 'cause they're
bears and that's what bears do. I did mention there were bears, right? - Yes, you mentioned
that there were bears, just that's the end of the story? Goldilocks gets eaten while
bugging out to '90s hip hop? - No, that's not the end. - Okay, good. - [Orange] See, remember
all those school kids who depended on Goldilocks
to secure their bikes during the school day? - [Pear] Yeah? - [Orange] Well with Goldilocks gone, all their bikes got stolen and they had to walk home from school. - [Pear] Okay. - [Orange] And they
decided to take a shortcut through the woods, where they
all met up with the bears and they all got eaten too. - [Pear] What? - [Orange] Yeah, and actually the bears went on to eat everyone. And soon, bears overtook the
world and created a society where everyone bugs out all
the time, the end. (laughs) - Ugh! Orange, I'm reading the
book next time, you hear me? Orange? Orange? Where the heck did you...? - Sonic boom! - Owwww, waaaaaah! Welcome to storytime with Pear. Orange is out buying
a new kazoo right now, so we shouldn't have any
unwelcome interruptions as we read the story of
the Three Little Pigs. Once upon a time... - Orange discovered online shopping and bought a kazoo from home, woohoo! (kazoo noises) - Noooo! - Sorry Pear, but this
Orange is round in shape and round the kitchen. (laughs) Ooh, the Three Little Pigs. I love telling this story, can I? Can I, can I, can I? - Ugh, fine. Just tell it the way it's
written, though, okay? - Bleep, not a chance. (laughs) I got this, straight off the dome, yo. Once upon a time, there
were three little pigs. And each of these pigs
had a little piggy house to help keep them safe
from a big bad worm. (worm growls) - [Pear] No, it's not a worm, it's a wolf. - [Orange] Wolf, right, sorry. I read that wrong. - You aren't reading anything. (laughs) - [Orange] So the piggies
find out this wolf is coming and they all run to their houses. The first little pig, he built
his house out of boogers. - [Pear] Excuse me? - I'm sorry, I know you prefer
the French pronunciation, boo-gers. - It's not the pronunciation
I have issues with, dude. The first little pig made
his house out of straw. - [Orange] Oh, well in my
version he uses a straw. That's how he gets the
boogers that are way in there. You know? (laughs) So the wolf's all like "booger pig, booger pig, let me come in." And the booger pig's like "not by the booger on
my chinny chin chin." And the wolf's like "whatevs, that's fine. "I'll just huff and puff and
I'll blow your house up." - [Pear] What? - [Orange] And he did! The booger house went up like a torch! People three states over were getting bits of boogers falling
in their soup like crazy. (laughs) - Orange! - Okay, okay, I'll move on. So the wolf went to
the second pig's house. Now this pig built his house... - [Pear] Out of sticks. - [Orange] No, actually he
built it way better than that. The second pig built his house to code and adhere to the OSHA regulations. - [Pear] Oh, wow, I didn't expect that. - [Orange] And let me tell
ya, neither did the wolf. He showed up and was really impressed by the quality siding OSHA pig built. So naturally, the wolf
wanted to get the name of OSHA pig's general
contractor, so he said "OSHA pig, OSHA pig, let me come in." And OSHA pig's like "not by the hair on my
chinny chin chin" (laughs) - [Pear] Oh, brother. - [Orange] And then the wolf goes "then I'll huff and I'll puff
and I'll blow your house up." - [Pear] And let me guess, it didn't work because the house was
well built and up to code. - [Orange] Not even close. The wolf used a ton of TNT,
that house was gone baby, gone. (laughs) - Orange, the whole moral of this story is how taking your time
and building a proper house pays off in the end. - Gees, Pear, there's still a third pig we haven't even talked about yet. Let me finish. - Alright, I guess you're right. Okay, go ahead. - Thank you. Anywhoosie, the wolf goes
to the third pig's house. Can you guess what his house was made of? - [Pear] Well in the book, it's bricks. - [Orange] Well in my
mind, it's Bruce Willises. - [Pear] I'm sorry, the pig's house is made out of Bruce Willis, the actor? - [Orange] Yeah, a whole bunch of them. - This makes no sense. - It makes Sixth Sense
if you ask me. (laughs) - Oh, this better be
going somewhere, Orange. - [Orange] So the wolf's like "little pig, little pig," and the Bruce Willis pig cuts
him off and he's all like "look, we all know where this is going, "not by the Bruce on my Willy Will Willis. "Just go ahead and blow
up my house, mkay?" And the wolf's like "you asked for it, here it comes!" - [Pear] And? - [Orange] And he does,
he blows up the house. - The final house blows up? That's not how it's supposed to end. - Pear, you don't understand. Imagine all those Bruce
Willises flying through the air, riding the blast wave like crazy. Have you ever imagined such a thing? - I can safely say I have not. - [Orange] Well imagine it, darn it. Bruce Willises flying
everywhere, riding the wave, looking super tough, falling
into people's soup bowls three states over. (laughs) - Okay, I imagined it. So, what's the moral of the story? - The moral is um, explosives
are awesome! (laughs) (Pear groans) The end! - Hey everyone and welcome to storytime. Orange will not be joining us today, because he's busy playing with the drone he got for his birthday. So we'll be left in peaceful tranquility to read the story of Snow
White and the Seven Dwarves. Ah, come on, great. Orange, the drone is
interrupting storytime. - Oh sorry about that. I'm still learning the controls. Let me try this one. - Wrong button. - Hmm, maybe this button? - Definitely wrong button! - (laughs) Let me try this one. - Orange! - Whoa, that drone really
busted outta here, huh? (laughs) - Ahh! - Well since I ruined
storytime, let me try to help. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, right? - Yes, but please do not try to help. - No, I totally know this
one, I have it memorized. I swear! - Ugh. - Once upon a time, there was a queen who had a magical mirror. And each morning, the queen would ask it "mirror mirror on the wall, "who's that there inside the wall?" - [Pear] What? - [Orange] And the
mirror would be all like "um, that's you dude,
you're the reflection." - [Pear] Wait. - [Orange] And then the queen
would get all embarrassed 'cause she forgot that she
was talking to a mirror. And then...
- [Pear] Okay now stop! - [Orange] Hammer time! Oh, oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh. - Orange! That's not what the
queen said to her mirror. She asked it who the fairest
person in all the land was. And the mirror told her
that it was Snow White. - Oh, that makes sense, because this story's
about Snow White, huh? - Yes, and you would've
known that if you hadn't called in a drone strike on our book. - But I liked it, the past is
the past, get over it Pear. (Pear groans) Anyway, everybody thought Snow White was the prettiest lady
in the whole kingdom. What they didn't know was that she was hiding a terrible secret: she wasn't really a woman, she was seven dwarves in
a trench coat. (laughs) - [Pear] What? - [Orange] Yeah, and each of the dwarves had a really funny name. There was Sneezy, Sleepy,
Gassy, Sassy, Lashy, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer,
Comet, Cupid, Rudolph. - [Pear] Orange, I think some
of those are Santa's reindeer. - [Orange] Right, but they
were dwarf reindeer, duh. Anyway, the rest of the dwarves were named Huey, Duey, Luey, Chop
Suey, Ronald McDonald, Grimace, Fry Guy... - Orange, those aren't
the names of the dwarves. - What you talking about? - I mean, where's Doc? Where's Dopey? - Well you didn't let me
finish all seven, duh. - You said way more than seven. - [Orange] Also inside the trench coat was Doc, Dopey, Mopey,
Moby Dick, Dick Tracy, Tracy Morgan, Morgan Freeman... - [Pear] Now you're just
listing celebrities. - [Orange] Brad Pitt, Taylor Lautner, Dwarfer the Explorer and Pickle. - [Pear] What? - [Orange] The other
dwarves were pretty sure Pickle wasn't actually a dwarf, but they were all too polite to tell him he was actually a pickle. (laughs) - [Pear] Okay, that's enough. - [Orange] They had some
other dwarf friends too and their names were... - [Pear] Alright, stop! - [Orange] Collaborate and listen, Orange is back with a brand
new invention. (laughs) - Orange, we are so off
the rails right now. According to your story, the evil queen is too stupid
to know how a mirror works and Snow White is made of like
100 dwarves in a trench coat. - That sounds like an awesome story! What happens next? - Nothing happens next, 'cause that's not how the story goes. - Oh, I hope the story
introduces more dwarves next. - We do not need more dwarves! - [Orange] Like Donatello, Michaelangelo, Rafael, Leonardo... - [Pear] Those are Ninja Turtles! - [Orange] Um, actually they're artists of the European Renaissance, Pear. I'm surprised you didn't
know that. (laughs) - [Pear] Alright, does this
story have an ending or what? Because you've skipped
everything important about the story of Snow White: the woodsmen, the poison
apple, the prince. - [Orange] Don't worry, Pear, they're all inside the trench coat too. - [Pear] Ugh, fantastic. - [Orange] Along with
a whole bunch of TNT. - [Pear] That is not how the
story of Snow White goes! - [Orange] Nope, but it sure
is how it blows. (laughs) - [Pear] Orange! Welcome to storytime with Pear. - And Orange! - Today we were gonna read the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, but Orange already
managed to blow that up. - Totally an accident. (laughs) - I'll bet. But the joke's on Orange, because I expected something
like this to happen, so I memorized the story last night. - Ah, so I don't get to make up my own version of the story this week? - Nope, this week we're doing the story the way it was meant to
be told. (clears throat) Now then, once upon a time
there was a boy named Jack. His family was very poor and one day, their cow stopped giving milk. - [Orange] Because it wasn't
in the moo-d anymore. (laughs) - [Pear] So Jack's mom sent
them into town to sell the cow. But on his way, he came
upon a man with magic beans. Jack thought the beans
sounded really cool, so he traded the cow for them. - [Orange] So the cow went
home with the man and they... - [Pear] Orange, hold on. - What's up? - The story is about Jack, not the cow. - What? I thought it was called
Jack and the Cow-stalk. - No, it's called Jack and the Beanstalk. - Really? I like mine better. - So no more of this cow nonsense, okay? The cow is gone, the cow is
no longer part of the story. (Orange mumbles) Now as I was saying, when Jack
got home his mom was furious that he had traded the
cow for two dumb beans. She threw them out the window... - [Orange] Where they
were eaten by another cow. - [Pear] No! - [Orange] And the cow
immediately sprouted into a giant cow-stalk. - [Pear] No! - [Orange] (laughs) And
Jack climbed the cow-stalk to find a giant farm in the clouds. - [Pear] Orange, what
is it with you and cows? - Too late, Pear, I'm
cow-jacking this story. Yee-haw! (laughs) - No, why do I even try? - [Orange] So Jack went into the barn and it was like a cow feast in there. There was every kind of
milk, even root beer milk. And there was every kind
of delicious grass to eat and there were so many delicious cow pies straight from the oven. - [Pear] Cow pies? - [Orange] Yeah, Jack
ate like 50 cow pies. - [Pear] I don't think you
know what a cow pie is. - [Orange] And I don't think the giant cow who lives in the barn was very happy when she came back home to find that someone had eaten all of
her cow pies. (laughs) - [Pear] This is the
grossest storytime yet. - [Orange] So the giant
cow, she's all like "fee fi fo fum, cows are
awesome and Pear is dumb." - [Pear] Okay, she did not say that. - [Orange] (laughs) So the giant cow got super mad when she found Jack. Jack popped onto the normal sized cow and rode it out the door. The giant cow started chasing them and just when it looked
like they were goners, the cow Jack was riding
grew pterodactyl wings and started flying! - [Pear] What? - [Orange] Yeah, the giant cow fell off the edge of the cloud and
fell way down to the ground, where she burst into a million tiny cows. From that day forward,
every person on Earth had their own tiny cow. - [Pear] Oh my God. - [Orange] And Jack flew
home on his new cow, which turned out to be a really cool pet because it pooped out gold cow pies. - [Pear] Please, tell me that's the end. - [Orange] It is, the end. - [Pear] Good. - So, I just wanted to say I'm sorry I cow-jacked storytime, Pear. - Ugh, it's fine I guess. - And I made you something
to show how sorry I am. - Yeah, let me guess, it's TNT. - Well actually it's not. In fact it isn't explosive at all. - Really, what is it? - I baked it. - Ew, that's a cow pie. - Just taste it, you'll really like it. - No, get away from me. - (laughs) Oh no, look
out for the blast crater. - Ow, oh Orange! Ah, some of it got in my mouth, wah! - Ewwww. Storytime, storytime! Alright, gather round fruit lovers. Pear's gonna read us a
really exciting story. I promise you'll be spell-bound. (laughs) Little book joke, there, sorry. - Ugh, now today's story is
called the Emperor's New Clothes and I'm gonna tell you the
way it's written right here. You're not gonna mess it
up this time, right Orange? - (gasps) Me? I would never! - Yes. Yes you would. You do it every single time. - I'm so offended. I never mess up your stories
Pear, I enhance them. (laughs) - Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. Ugh, alright here goes nothing. Once upon a time, there was
an extremely vain emperor who loved to dress fashionably. - [Orange] He especially loved
his Annoying Orange t-shirt, available now online. (laughs) - Orange, would you stop
pedaling your merch? We're in the middle of a video here. - Alright, alright. He especially loved wearing
his plain green Crocs and unbranded fanny pack. - [Pear] Dude, is that
seriously what you think a fashionable emperor would wear? - [Orange] Of course
not, someone as important as an emperor would wear the all new branded Annoying Orange fanny pack. - [Pear] Orange! (Orange laughs) Good grief. Anyway, the emperor hired two weavers who promised to make him the
finest clothes ever worn. - [Pear] Clearly they were referring to the Annoying Orange Halloween costume, for sale online now. - [Pear] They were not! (Orange laughs) They were actually lying to the emperor because they were secretly con men. They actually didn't know
how to make clothes at all. - [Orange] Oh, sounds
like they need to buy some pre-made clothes. Have I mentioned that
all Annoying Orange socks come pre-made? (laughs) - [Pear] Ugh. Now, the weavers told the emperor that they were making
him a special fabric. A fabric that can only
be seen by smart people. - [Orange] Oh, oh, I can see the fabric! That means I'm smart. - [Pear] Orange, there is no fabric. They were lying to the emperor. They only pretended to make fabric. - [Orange] Oh, well I guess
that means I'm dumb. (laughs) - [Pear] No argument here. Now, of course the emperor
couldn't see the imaginary fabric but he pretended he could because
he didn't want the weavers to think he was too dumb to see it. So he pretended to put on the clothes and went out to show off his new suit. - Wait, so he was just
walking around naked? - He sure did. And no one in the entire
kingdom told him he was naked because they didn't want the
emperor to think they were dumb for not being able to see his clothes. - [Orange] (laughs) I can't
believe he went around naked like that. Although come to think of
it, I do that every day. - [Pear] Finally, one small
child stepped forward and said "your majesty, why are you naked?" And at that moment, the entire kingdom... - [Orange] Got online and
purchased actual clothing from the Annoying Orange merch site. - [Pear] No! - [Orange] Yep, they all got a hold of their parents' credit cards and did it without permission. - [Pear] Orange, you stop that right now! - [Orange] These prices
won't last forever, folks. The time to buy is now, now I say! Look how happy those people are sporting their Annoying Orange merchandise. - [Pear] That's it, the end. The end! - [Orange] Look how stylish
they look with their... Wait, wait, no no, don't
close the book, ahh! We also have toys and video games. We're starting a cryptocurrency, you're gonna wanna get
out and grab that one. - Hey everybody, welcome to storytime. - And this episode's
bound to make a splash. - Ahh! - What? This week's the Little Mermaid. - I know it's the Little Mermaid. That's why I'm holding this book. - Ah, why read the book when
we can just watch the movie? ♪ Under the sea ♪ (laughs) - I'm actually glad you
brought that up, Orange. The original fairytale is way different from the Disney movie you
probably know and love. - That's okay I guess, as long as there's a singing crab in the book. - There isn't. - Boo! I want a singing crab with
a Jamaican accent. (laughs) - Orange! Great, the book got swept
away in a tidal wave. - I guess now it's time to
wave hello to my version, told from memory. (laughs) - Ah, wonderful. - [Orange] Once upon a time, there was a singing crab who lived ♪ Under the sea ♪ - [Pear] Oh, brother. - [Orange] (laughs) Now, this crab had a beautiful singing voice. So beautiful that some mean old sea witch was super jealous of it. - Um, I think it's the little mermaid who has a beautiful singing
voice in this story, dude. - Now what you talking about? Did you hear Sebastian sing in the movie? ♪ Under the sea ♪ You can't tell me that crab
didn't sound fab. (laughs) - Okay, but you are aware that
the story is about a mermaid, not a crab, right? - Oh yeah, totally. We'll get to the mermaid in a second, don't be so crabby. (laughs) Speaking of crabby, one day
the crab went to the surface and saw a human walking around on legs. He said to himself "ooh,
those legs look crab-tastic, "I should get me some of those." - [Pear] Crabs have legs, Orange, this is exactly why the main character is supposed to be a mermaid. - [Orange] No, this is
totally the way it goes. See, the crab went to the old
sea witch and made a trade. He gave her his singing voice and in return, she gave
him additional legs to the legs he already had. (laughs) - [Pear] Orange! - [Orange] Although, suddenly the crab has legs coming out
from all over the place: his back, his butt, dude even got legs coming out of his legs. (laughs) - Ugh, we're so far away
from the original story I don't even know where to begin. - I agree, getting this
story back on the rails would be quite a feet. (laughs) - Ugh, look, are we gonna check in with the little mermaid anytime or what? She's only the titular character. - Great idea. Back to the little mermaid, who also paid a visit to
the mean old sea witch. - [Pear] That's right. The little mermaid traded her
singing voice for human legs. - [Orange] And let me
tell ya, she got 'em. The mean old sea witch
did her a huge solid and gave her more legs than she
even gave the crab. (laughs) - [Pear] What? - [Orange] Oh yeah. The little mermaid had legs
coming out of legs on her legs. She went up onto land to
try to hit on some prince, but he was repulsed by her. Not a legs man as it turns out. (laughs) But don't worry, it has a happy ending. The little mermaid and the crab formed a two-person soccer team. With all those legs, they easily won the World Cup for Atlantis. They lived happily ever after
and had a bunch of leg babies. - [Pear] What? - [Orange] And the mean old sea witch, now in possession of two
stellar singing voices, went on Atlantis Idol and
got in the final eight before being voted off in favor of some mer-boy with pink hair. - [Pear] Orange! - [Orange] Oh and then a tidal wave swept over the entire world, the end. - What? I thought you said it was a happy ending. - Well yeah, that is a happy ending. - A tidal wave sweeping over
the entire world is happy? - Sure, 'cause from that
point on, the whole world was ♪ Under the sea ♪ - Ahhhhhh! ♪ Under the sea ♪ (Orange laughs) Hey everyone, welcome to storytime. Today, Orange and I will be reading the story of the Ugly Duckling. I'm not sure where Orange is, but he should be here any moment. - Carrying a cup of sulfuric acid. Ah, man, I totally
disintegrated today's book. What a tragic, totally
unintentional accident. (laughs) - [Pear] Ugh, I had a feeling something like this might happen. That's why I came armed
today with a backup book. Sorry to disappoint ya, Orange. - Oh, I'm not disappointed,
I brought a backup book too. Shall we begin? - No. That's not even the same book. - You're right. Hmm, this book situation
certainly puts us in a bind, doesn't it? (laugh) - Orange, I'm telling the
story this time, got it? You're here for color commentary only. - Got it, color commentary. And that color will
definitely be orange. (laughs) - Ugh, that's what I'm afraid of. Now then, once upon a
time there was a baby duck who looked different from
all his brothers and sisters. - [Orange] And man, was this dude ugly. Millennials would look at
all the other cute ducklings and be all like "aww" and take
Instagram photos with them. But not with this ugly duckling. When people saw this duckling, people couldn't help but barf
a little in their mouths. - [Pear] No they didn't. - [Orange] Well that's
true, they didn't all barf in their mouths. Some of the more
forward-thinking millennials decided to take pictures with Ugmo because he made them look
better by comparison. (laughs) - Orange, stop. There are no millennials taking selfies in the story of the Ugly Duckling. - Yo mamma's duckling so ugly, he laid down for a beauty
nap and slipped into a coma. (Orange laughs) - Ugh, can we please get
back to the real story now? - Yo mamma's duckling so ugly,
he got dropped off at school and they fined his mamma
for littering. (laughs) - [Pear] Anyway, the other ducklings always made fun of the ugly duckling. - [Orange] Whose nickname was Ugmo. - [Pear] His nickname was not Ugmo. - Yuh huh, it says so
right here in the book. - You aren't reading the right book. - Oh yeah, well if we're being honest, I'm not even reading that book. I'm making this all up
straight off the dome. - [Pear] Agh! (Orange laughs) - [Orange] Anyway, according
to the story in my mind, all throughout his childhood
and high school years, Ugmo got teased for being so ugly. - [Pear] Okay yeah,
that's not exactly wrong. The other ducklings were mean
to him and called him names. - [Orange] Names like Ugmo,
which actually was his name. - [Pear] Orange! Agh, anyway, so this
teasing went on for years. - [Orange] Until the
ducks got back together for their high school reunion. They got talking and realized none of them had heard from Ugmo for years. They all really hoped he'd show up 'cause it had been a while
since they'd been able to make fun of him to his face. And that's when a huge, fancy limo pulled up to the reunion
and Ugmo stepped out. - [Pear] See, he had grown
up into a beautiful swan. - [Orange] What? No, not even close. He'd grown up to be the
supermodel Cindy Crawford. - Wait wait, what? You're telling me a duckling grew up to be a human supermodel from the '90s? - You can grow up to be
anything you wanna be, Pear. I'm surprised you didn't know that. - Ugh! - (laughs) But wait, there's more. Sure, Ugmo had the beautiful
face of Cindy Crawford, but he was even more beautiful than that. He had (mumbles) abs,
Taylor Lautner's biceps, Kim Kardashian's rear end, the tail of a Westminster Dog Show winner, eyes of the most beautiful
snake you've ever seen... - Hold on. You're telling me Ugmo grew
up to have the tail of a dog, the eyes of a snake and it
was beautiful because of it? - Duh, I said it was a
beautiful snake, didn't I? Beautiful might not even
be a strong enough word. Ugmo was now so stunning, people started throwing up in their mouths because Ugmo was so beautiful to look at. One guy even started crying,
Ugmo was so beautiful. But Ugmo wiped away
his tears with a hundo. - I'm sorry, a hundo? - A $100 bill, Pear, sheesh. Now that Ugmo was the most
beautiful creature on the planet, he was super rich, so of course
he had hundos up the wazoo. I'm telling ya, Ugmo was swimming in it Scrooge McDuck style. - Okay, I'm not sure how this is important to the moral of the story
regarding inner beauty, but... - Tell me Pear, have you ever sopped up a spill with a hundo? You should try it, they're so absorbant. And they only cost $100. Get your hands on some if you can, folks, they work 50% better than the
leading paper towel brand. (Orange laughs) - [Pear] Wait, why exactly is this story turning into a commercial for $100 bills? - [Orange] Now what you talking about? $100 bills don't need a commercial, they practically sell themselves. - [Pear] Oh, that's it. This video is over. - [Orange] Look at that absorbency. That's a clinical test right there, folks. See, it even soaks up sulfuric acid. Oh, no, I guess not. - [Pear] Ugh, the end! - [Orange] Call and order now! Wait no! - Welcome to storytime. I'm Pear and this is my co-host, Orange. - I'm also his best friend. - False. - One of his closest friends? - Nope. - His imaginary friend? - If only. Today we'll be reading one of
my all-time favorite stories, Beauty and the Beast. Orange, can you promise
not to ruin the story? - I never do. - You always do. - I enhance the stories, I
give 'em a little extra juice. (Orange laughs) - Fortunately, this is one
of the greatest stories of all time, so we probably
won't need much juice. Now then, once upon a
time, there was a prince who was beautiful on the
outside but ugly on the inside. - [Orange] Yeah, because he was actually a lizard person in disguise. (laughs) - [Pear] No, that's not
what I mean, Orange. I mean, the prince was a
really mean, rude person. And that's why he and his entire castle were put under a spell
and turned into things like candlesticks and clocks. - [Orange] And food? Ooh, were any of them turned into food? - [Pear] Well, maybe. I guess I don't really know what happened to every last member of the staff. - Oh my gosh, Pear. Do you think we are under a spell? Do you think we're actually royal people who got turned into food? - No. - That would explain so much. - No, it wouldn't. - [Orange] I'm thinking I
was probably the court jester and that's why I'm so funny. Oh, if the jester was actually
a lizard person in disguise, that would explain why I can
touch my tongue to my eye. (Orange laughs) - Orange, stop! I will not allow this to become canon. Can we get back to the story please? - I guess. I think people lick my story
better though. (laughs) - Agh, anyway. Everyone was cursed to remain in their non-human form forever, unless... - What do you mean I'm
gonna be this way forever? I'm not gonna get my human stuff back? My arms, my legs, my
social security number? - Orange, for the last
time, we were never people. You are not a character in this story. - Oh alright, 'cause they're
actually lizard people. - They are not lizard people! This is just a story! - Hmm, maybe we should
just jump to the end. - Fine by me, I can't wait to
get this trainwreck over with. - [Orange] So about the
ending, spoiler alert everyone, turns out the beast was
the beauty all along and the beauty was actually the beast. - [Pear] What? - Yep, the moral of the story
is that it's a twist ending. - That is not how it ends. The beast was not the beauty all along. - Alright, 'cause he was
a lizard person all along. - He was not a lizard person! - Of course he was, think about it Pear. Why do you think they
call it a fairy-tail, huh? Because lizards, it's
'cause they're all lizards. Pear, open your eyes. - No. - Ah, come on. Open your eyes wide and try and touch them with your forked lizard tongue. (laughs) - And we're officially off
the rails in record time. Congrats Orange, you did it again. You ruined another classic story. - [Orange] Do you think Disney will make my lizard version into a movie next? - [Pear] I think it will be more likely that Disney will sue you for ruining one of the
greatest stories ever told. - Nah, they wouldn't do that would they? That would be so cold-blooded. (laughs) Get it, 'cause lizards are cold-blooded. - [Pear] We are so done here. - Watch me touch my tongue to my eyeball. (Orange mumbles) - Welcome to storytime. I'm your host, Pear. - And I'm your co-host, Orange. - No, for the last time,
you are not my co-host. - Assistant host? - No. - Hostess with the second mostess? - No. - Best friend? - No. - How about the only one who
knows where the book is hidden. - Huh? Ugh, Orange, what did you do with it? - I'll only tell my co-host. - Fine, you're my co-host, whatever. Now where's my book? - I ate it. (burps) (laughs) Now for the story of the
Porpoise and the Pear. - It's the Tortoise and the Hare, dude. Ugh, thanks for nothing,
I'll take it from here. Once upon a time there was a
hare who could run really fast and a tortoise who could not. - [Orange] Yeah, that tortoise
was slow as shell. (laughs) - [Pear] One day, as
the hare was making fun of the tortoise for being so slow, the tortoise decided he had had enough and challenged the hare to a... - [Orange] Fight! - [Pear] No, actually
it was just a foot race. - [Orange] Eh, I like fights better. - [Pear] Well fortunately,
it's not up to you. Now then, the hare was
sure he'd win the race. - [Orange] But that's before the tortoise launched into a Rocky-style
training montage. Yeah! - [Pear] Huh, must've
missed the training montage chapter of the book. - [Orange] Bummer, it's the best one. Lifting weights, jumping
ropes, running up stairs, getting leg transplants, doing push ups. - Ah, sorry, what was that? - Push ups? Oh yeah, push ups are a staple
of any good training montage. - No no no no, before that. - Getting leg transplants? - Yes, that. Can't say I've seen a leg transplant in a training montage before. - Oh, well the tortoise totally got one. Two, actually. He paid a whole bunch of money
and got Usain Bolt's legs. - [Pear] What? - [Orange] Yeah, I'm telling
ya, it was quite a feet. (Orange laughs) - Yeah, I don't think that's
what happens in the book. - Oh and the tortoise went
back for more transplants too. He got Fonzie's head and
the wings of a bat. (laughs) - [Pear] Okay, now I know this
didn't happen in the book. I mean, look at him, he's
barely even a tortoise anymore. - Yeah, but he is technically a tortoise, he still has the eye of
the tortoise. (laughs) - Oh brother. ♪ Tortoise and hare ♪ ♪ Tortoise hare ♪ ♪ Tortoise hare ♪ ♪ Rising up ♪ ♪ Usain Bolt feet ♪ ♪ Wings of a bat ♪ ♪ Head of Fonzie ♪ ♪ Gonna have to train if
he's gonna win this fight ♪ ♪ Just a tortoise with
the power of flight ♪ ♪ It's the eye of the tortoise ♪ ♪ It's the wings of a bat ♪ ♪ It's the push ups and the running ♪ ♪ Head of Fonzie ♪ ♪ And it's not really fair that
he's this new improved beast ♪ ♪ But he still technically has the eye ♪ ♪ Of the tortoise ♪ - [Pear] You are absolutely
ruining this story. ♪ Meanwhile the hare
knows he's gonna lose ♪ ♪ Unless he makes fast improvements ♪ ♪ So he goes out and
gets a new pair of legs ♪ ♪ And a literal cannon for an arm ♪ ♪ It's the arm of the cannon ♪ ♪ It's the wheels for legs ♪ ♪ It's the greed building
up entire bodies ♪ ♪ And though neither contestant
looks the way that they did ♪ ♪ One still technically has the eye ♪ ♪ Of the tortoise ♪ - [Orange] How you feeling
about this story, Pear? - Well, it's an abomination, but I actually am kinda interested to see who wins the fight. - Oh really? Spoiler alert, the fight's not even close. - Because the hare falls asleep and the tortoise wins easily? - [Orange] Shell no! The hare wins by a landslide. I did mention he had a
cannon for an arm, right? - [Pear] I see. Ugh okay, well that's what I get for letting you take
the lead on the story. Thanks for watching
everyone, we're done here. The end, goodbye. - Ah, but we haven't even gotten to the second training montage. ♪ It's the eye of the (mumbles) ♪ (Pear groans) (upbeat music)
