Anchorman 2 Extended and Deleted scenes

who the hell is Julius Caesar do you mean dr. J dr. Julius Caesar the basketball player look I am so sorry that this had been wrong but you and I were partners sweetheart and n when something good happens to me it also happens to you that's ridiculous it clearly just happened to you you know what happened to me I got shit-canned if you won the lottery for instance you would share it with me wouldn't you of course not oh are you asking if if I were on my own time to drive down to the local convenience store buy a lottery ticket painstakingly select the 6-7 winning numbers I would share it with you know we got married we pulled everything together we're partners I'd give you a very reasonable low-interest loan no thank you then you'd have a massive balloon payment after that a Jacke up to 27 30 % this is everything that I've worked my entire life for and you were asking me to give it up look let's just compromise all right you called Mack Tannen in the morning and you have a conversation something like this hey Mack what a meeting yesterday thank you so much what a pleasure I can't take the job because I want to have more babies but here's the good news I found my replacement my husband Ron Burgundy how is that a compromise Ron it's easy fix I'm sorry mr. and mrs. Burgundy here I'll go to sleep Christ Lapita where we pay you for to wander around this this house like an aimless ghosts mommy did dad drink too much white wine again Walter honey why don't you just go to bed all right mommy and daddy are just having a discussion no he needs to hear this he's six years old he's a man Walter listen to me are you looking at me Walter Walter Walter just looking at you wrong yeah I can't tell look life isn't a fairy tale it's not a bunch of jumping rope and grab an ass okay complicated it's busy streets and honking horns and and people flipping you the bird throwing feces at you that's what it's like it's not let's play Candyland and take a three-hour dub I don't know it feels icky inside the feel icky right now what do you want to do with your life what do you want to be when you grow up I want to be an astronaut or a cowboy you're never gonna be any of those okay you gotta set the bar a lot lower service industry fry cook prison guard bus maintenance worker maybe you're a lighting guy in a porn shoot which just basically means you hold up a flashlight why adults do things fun you wanna know what life's all about it's about getting a paycheck and keeping a gun out of your mouth cuz we're all just looking for a little bit of cheese a little little piece of ass here's a child Ron he's a six-year-old child you need to be a real father to him all right son here it comes the talk you've been waiting for sometimes in life you're gonna have to drink a big fat stinking bowl of hot frothy horse piss it's gonna be hot and frothy and pungent it's gonna spill down the front of your shirt stupid Ron people are gonna be laughing at you you're not gonna have to drink horse piss all right it's it's a metaphor oh yes you will you will gulp it down he will gulp it down to the last bitter putrid thick drop and then ironically you'll develop a thirst as if you were alone in the Sahara Desert it'll be the only thing on your mind got to have more horse piss one time Fidel Castro you've been my father okay Lupita you are not helping the situation is casual gonna make me drink horse piss chem Italy it happens all over the world water honey it's okay all right we will never ever make you drink hot horse piss I promise you that listen son I've heard those same exact words and guess what I always have to drink the horse piss he's right I always have to drink the horse piss I will lock you in a closet Veronica here's the bottom line it's a very simple decision it's either me or the job doesn't have to be a choice Ron don't do this don't throw away everything that we've worked so hard for me or the job the children did not find the Moray Eel cuddling the children did not find the Moray Eel cuddly despite the waffle being one year old it was delicious despite the waffle being one year old it was delicious Merlin Olsen's fanny pack was filled with flavorful bacon yeah I think it's gonna be a great show everyone now Ron Burgundy thank you good afternoon good afternoon welcome to world-famous SeaWorld here in San Diego California I'm Ron Burgundy you might remember me from the news before I got shitcan for being a gentleman for my [ __ ] of a wife took my job don't worry about me I'm fine as long as I stay hammered whoo all right what do you say we burn I bring out a world-class dolphin trainers Jesse and Paula yeah gals don't they look adorable thank you Ron I'd like to train you two little honey's that'll give me a world-class spanking just one kiss you smell good yeah I don't owe you no there's no drinking on the job Rob I know you can't drink but I don't give a [ __ ] that according to SeaWorld manual there's no bitchiness on the job he's your [ __ ] yeah okay so let's say hello to the stars of the show chippy and roo-roo [Applause] don't get all excited folks we expect a dolphin gimme a break you wouldn't think it was so impressive you had to watch it 10,000 times and see it chippy and roo-roo oh wow looks like someone had their morning coffee I'm so drunk I crapped my pants hey did you hear what I said I would grab my face I'm so sorry folks apparently Ron Burgundy is feeling a little under the weather what'd you say well you shut your mouth you punk huh you come back here you just swim around naked and eat you're a fish and you eat fish how weird is that oh really shake man you're a big man oh I'm a mammal I'm not a fish I'm not buying it you're a fish they say you're as smart as a pig you're not even as smart as a hamster look at you with that permanent smile swimming around with that secret dolphin language I don't buy it that smiles creepy to me we'll find that smiling Danny one that oh shut up people if you don't like it you ignore it okay this dolphin I have a history it doesn't concern you you want to go up a bunch of smile right off your face let's write up punch a dolphin a bunch of dolphin up punch a child a bunch of nun a bunch of pregnant I salute you please shower me with hey hey hey I'm a Steve Steve I tell you I guess we were doing a live remote outside of Chargers Stadium and I'm naked holding some guy hostage with a gun now I'm blacked out right okay but apparently aware enough to hold the gun and everything yeah anyway they tried to play it off as a ratings stunt you know but Edie had to let me go I of course he did yeah yeah the only reason I got office I had pictures of a judge I guess you're lucky then I'm very lucky here's the other thing I went in to get my last check faked a work injury yeah and with the settlement I bought this plane so in a word it's a win-win what's that mean well you you were able to kind of have your cake and eat it too what are you doing you just landed on your feet no I made money I got a settlement from a faked work injury no I followed that I just I just meant to say good fortunes seem to to smile down on you despite all the things that had happened I pulled the wool over people's eyes and I got money from their pockets I don't really know what to say to that Jeb you see congratulations is what is a yes listen can I ask you a question sure is is this chicken hell no we use mainly bats what there's no profit in chicken run the numbers have you actually served chicken before no but I've run the number okay but you're being dishonest you're saying you're serving chicken you're serving bat dishonest I'm making money the real health concerns as as far as I would know people couldn't people get rabies oh yeah that happens that happens you're admitting to it I don't admit to it I'll admit it to you it's a scary operation you're running heir champion we have kids parties the more you tell me the more I feel like I have to report to the authorities all right between you and me I got a deal with the local mafia any time they take a snitch out well and Bonnie might wind up in my back alley guess what next day there's a special you're serving human beings you're serving actual body parts what's that look well yeah you mean the what's the look of the food well the look I gave ya then look you just gave me I'm running a business here and you're running a judgment center get on board with money or get out don't get angry at me all right I'm sorry I mean friend I'm your friend this is on the house well you can save it for the next patron do the bat just fly through here was that a bat yeah one gets out every week you know it's great when they try to run gets the adrenaline going they taste better well you would know about that I was sure as hell wouldn't know oh yeah baby mmm that's it play for me play for daddy come on roll around hey I'm not here I'm not here just roll around like you would on the bed you are a cutie aren't you you're a little cutie oh just the yarn on the tabie hey nice alright get go go go where are you gonna get back in there that's it yeah baby that's it that's it we got it you're not getting any better than that you're not getting any better than [Applause] what's the caption gonna be on this one Oh it's another perfect mess who are the finest cat photographer I have ever seen you don't just capture the kittens you capture their souls thank you very much i gr by the way did you remember to feed the Pumas I should do that right away in the best so glad I stole you away from Halston Chiba Simba hey Brian you have any time for the little people [Music] and I'm sorry I do I don't who you remind me it's me Ron Burgundy do you remember champion Jeffcott sorry yeah yeah this is I'm sorry I don't remember I pretended like I did I know we did the news together for six years six years we had a long time to do the news that's the gated reported in San Diego yeah that's right that's I was the lead anchor okay champ did sports right whammy well that sounds familiar it's very popular very popular catchphrase I'm sorry I don't I don't try to pretend like I actually pepper but I it's it is faintly it is coming back to me like I can picture images I'm maybe this will jog your memory a bottle of tequila a Border Patrol agent named Paul and a 19 year old co-ed from San Diego State who wrote a unicycle yes Jim yeah it sports yes whammy whammy coolant oh I'm so sorry can't believe Oh Mike this is a blast from the past what what a trip what a trip it's crazy can I get you guys something let me get you a drink what would you like scotch you're a scotch man I would love a scotch anything anything at all anything at all I guess right guys these two legends legends get him a drink Wow Suzanne this is the Doge this is where I do my work and I do my Play okay today we got the cat fancy cover coming out and you know that can be mishegoss this is something else I've been living in a tent for the last two years oh yeah this is not that before I ask you about yourselves though I'd love to give you a tour as long as we're not in the way oh you two never you may be a little bit where's the drapes yeah where are those drinks come on that's good you got thirty bathrooms thirty thirty have you used all of them oh god no no I just I just used one a lot boy I would I designate each one for something special it'd be fun too and decorate each one with a different theme well decorated each one with a different magazine cover oh speaking of which this one was just great Wow you know the experience of creating this piece was transcendent so much so that I can confidently look into the eyes of almost any woman and say I know what childbirth feels like Wow you put a cat in a glass bowl they're not happy about it they don't like it but that's what I was going for cuz it's Monday and he doesn't like Mondays in fact he hates him it's a strong word but that's the expression that's going on behind those eyes I gotta say it's really great and of course it's it's just so funny well but it's so damn true I hate mondays I mean a real victory for the nine to fivers you don't I mean yeah sad ending to this one though poor little guy snapped his neck when I was trying to get him out of the fish bowl stupid I used tongs salad tongs I don't know why I didn't just use my hand it seems like you could have just tipped the jar on its side and and let him crawl out on its own leisure you know what you're right yeah hindsight's 20/20 what did you do with the cat what do you mean you figure cats probably die every day I wonder if there's a general area they dispose of them yeah you know what they call cats chicken of the railyard no chick another have you heard that yeah don't listen don't indulge him I've never heard that you ever see a fat cat I mean they get old they get fat there's a lot of meat on a fat cat meat will like cat meat not a lot of bones and cats I mean you could probably just get right at it you need to stop my friend we don't eat cats around these parts champ that's a blast put a smile on my face immediately yeah think about the funny pleasant image Ron hates Mondays heck I don't care for them either tell you the truth I'm not crazy about Tuesdays Wednesdays or Thursdays oh this one's coming out today right here on cat fancy magazine but not just the magazine in church rec room school binders everywhere it's our biggest launch we've ever had and look at they're a bunch of kittens in a basket they look incredibly uncomfortable it's I mean that's fun for old and young alike I babe I'd pay well over $100 for it well yeah well the original cost three hundred and eighty thousand really hmm and have you ever gotten this oh no no well you could be a diaper salesman in Duluth for all I care just great to get the news team back together again Edie we sure could use a producer at the 24-hour news station sorry guys I guess you didn't hear I retired about a year ago oh I see I'd love to join you guys well I'd if you change your mind give us a call we're in desperate desperate need of a top-notch producer hey I would love to join you I'm a producer and I've got nothing going on good one Baxter you summed up Garth in one sentence that's not easy to do what did he say not flattering Garth does look like that News theme saddle up too bad there's not a viable alternative ed will miss you Ron baby did anybody guys I I'd love to work with you again I don't have a job right now so it'd be easy I've got nothing going on at all sure about that ed sorry yeah next time see you guys guys I'd be very very interested in this job their 24-hour news channel won't last 24 minutes when will people learn never ever try new things it's a horrible philosophy well let's go back to my place and drink some apple cider and read the TV Guide it's great to be retired isn't it I'm not retired I need to find work maybe you should think about retiring we're about the same age nor near your age it may appear that way that's because I had to deal with Ron for all those years think about it there we are welcome to GNN don't all right you sure about this place looks like the fall of Saigon with good suits where do I get to say the weather this place looks like I smell guys I know it's a bit of a mess but trust me everything will be ready for the launch tomorrow this station is state-of-the-art we've culled the very best anchors around the country Hey over there that's rod yuletide out of sensi oh sure I know rod there that convention last year there's Curtis knight-fish from Houston Oh Curtis knight-fish they don't get any better than that he goes deep more ways than one Houston the city of fish yeah there's diane yahwea from carson city she's pretty bad new but I've heard good stuff about her yes she delivers yeah yeah she delivers I'd like for her to deliver all over my face wasn't she engaged to Vince Ferragamo I don't know about that I met her the fair and the best in the biz Jack lime out of Chicago rumor is Allenby is giving him one mil a year a million dollars a year that's crazy who's worth that kind of money jeez he's just a news anchor [Music] there's one good-looking man secure enough in my masculinity to say this guy looks like he's made out of ice I'd like to melt him can I help you guy what was that I said can I help you guy what do you mean by that were you staring at me hotshot you want my autograph no I don't want your autograph no no no no he was telling me who you were and I was looking at you and then he said something I was just still looking at you oh my god this guy's quick is that what I sound like when I talk so much but you did right there only not as funny I guess you always sound differently than you think you sound this clown my name is Juan Ron why are you giggling call it together Ron come on with art for the art of Y oh no I made that up that's what it are yeah well I'm Jack with a J as in Jack you up hey hey stretch just wearing what time you feed that mustache yeah maybe I will maybe I'll go buy it a a ham sandwich down the cafeteria got it hey come on guys his team laughs you guys just stand here yeah sorry don't just think it's good one Ron that's good hey guy seriously though welcome to the station at one little tip anything you drink out of here there's a good chance I peed in it just apologize just apologize it what's the problem no no no no problem well you make it a face like there's a problem I'm sorry that I'm making that face I don't mean to make a face that seems like I have a problem I don't like that face you need to change it change it quick you think's kind of doesn't look like it has a problem stop making that face one face of my make I think you're an [ __ ] now if you don't like that funny look off your face that will be my invitation to come over there and pop you in the mouth is this face better oh don't it no oh I hate that face that face is driving me crazy change it you better change it quick you're getting him mad try another face I only have so many phases I can live with that doesn't make me throw up in my mouth and swallow it okay I want you to keep that face all day you understand me you got it man please just keep that face I wanted to like us I'm gonna ask around if I find out that you changed it I'm gonna choke you out you got it I'm gonna put you in an armbar I'm gonna throw you the back of my van I'm gonna bury you in the desert you're coming out louder clearer just keep it to you getting the elevator I'll lose it once we get to the elevator advance see that guy he changes that face I want to know about it yeah make sure I'll make sure if Jacqueline hates you I hate you a thousand times more and I hate you I hate you my mission in life is to stop you cuz jack doesn't like you alright get out of here we're done with you okay anything you need you want me got a gun I love you jack you call me let's beat it you'll be happy to hear we have no workplace harassment policies yes your Kench Allenby is gonna say a few words before pouch the man craps class that's all I know he's got a leather toilet I heard he threw Monet into a wood chipper just for kicks I heard he craps leather wow that would be surprised they call him the Prince of New South Wales huh the Dark Prince the catch me right everyone hey there's a boss ladies and gentlemen today wouldn't be possible without the visionary behind GNN mr. Kench Allenby Oh tell you what bit buddies you never made this one that's a truth well the Rani's play to tell you I'm job a gesture but full of blades no doubt I mean off works you know that's boomerangs two boomerangs cannon took and over you think about you look down you sisters you know what L speak Australian I thought they talked like us didgeridoo maybe you know what can I get you to say with me we can't quite understand you sorry I'm done your accent it's it's rather thick yeah everybody about mines in your jaw yeah does the room smell like it's burning to you oh my god it's a nice trophy is has this hmm I'm Kench Allenby good thank you we're gonna have to put a pencil in his mouth well guys you all know my story I'm a self-made man my late great father badge Allenby gave me three hundred million dollars and I toiled my whole bloody life to turn that into 305 million dollars true story true story better than hell of a story he'll oversteer someone should make a movie trying to hear him talk hard Yakka that's what this is hard buddy Yakko but I look around this station this 24-hour news station and this I think this is my Monument this is history this is like Columbus discovering the new world and the captain for this fantastic voyage is the best newsman in America also happens to be my dear dear friend where is he mr. Jack lon bloody marble you know this bloke here he is the best man I've ever met and you know as I've always said if Jack lime doesn't like you well then brother you're a real piece of [ __ ] I'm not the piece of [ __ ] thank you and good luck to Ron Burgundy - Wow getting nervous there compadre let's do this see that race fun on that pass it's so great what the hell was that nothing really because a lot of people are saying that you and Jack lime have a bet going well a lot of people are liars maybe honest I don't think you're anything but a local hack I don't I don't think you belong here but maybe you can prove me wrong tonight or maybe I could prove you right but that would mean that you did bad no when you do something right you do something positive yeah I was saying that you weren't good so by you doing bad that would prove me I didn't follow you from the beginning I didn't listen to the first part so but I might still prove you right I don't know how it's possible but I'm actually less impressed with you since I walked up here if you walk away maybe you'll be more impressed but I'll try all right quiet on the floor please boy burgandy you sure screwed the housecat on this one okay but you're [ __ ] work here in five four three two good day and welcome to GNN thank you for joining us on what we believe to be a whole new era of news I'm Jack lime your guide for this journey of events we humbly call 24-hour news today's top story mount st. Helens has shown signs of a possible impending eruption Jack lime is one hell of an anchor he actually slept with two of my daughters but he is good as authorities are preparing for a large-scale event that could affect people up to 500 miles away as early as last June Jeremy Richard and the University of Washington Department of Geology noticed an increase in heat and pressure surrounding Mount st. Helens experts say it's the first time and it's the first time in 123 years tremors of this magnitude have been recorded on the volcano pretty exciting stuff coming up next are they shooting porn in your neighborhood you'll be surprised to find out the answer is probably yes and in one extreme case that neighborhood is Santa's workshop at Macy's now bright I read somewhere that there are 6,000 porno films made in the United States every minute apparently every time a baby is born there is a porno being made well this is something we'll all need to watch well I hope you enjoy it as much as I did for all of us here at GNN I'm Ron Burgundy don't just have a great night have an American night and we're out I was outside everyone did you know go for Ron Burgundy hello miss Linda Jackson yeah I just finished watching your broadcast and I thought it was very interesting you're watching the broadcast really I have some thoughts and some notes that I think would be very helpful uh-huh I couldn't agree more uh-huh oh I didn't know that no oh well if I had to guess I'd say a tangelo is a cross between a tangerine and an orange okay oh wow well all right yes I can't believe you're saying this I really can't well thank you for this very professional and pleasant conversation mr. Burgundy I hope you have a really nice evening good night Linda yes all right bye-bye well well what well what'd she say what did you say Linda Linda who Linda Jackson Lit Linda Jackson who LeDoux Jackson who you were just on the phone with who works here yes yes what'd she say oh yes she said yeah we're immediately fired [ __ ] we did it well guys goes without saying I owe you gentlemen an apology I dragged you out here and this thing was a disaster from the word go no Ron don't you beat yourself up yeah it's all right Ron yeah we'll land on our feet don't you worry about us we'll be okay Brian any idea what you might do next probably head back to LA get decked out in some camouflage strap on my crossbow hop in the rally sport do a little poon yeah sounds like the life you didn't believe it getting knee-deep in some of that hmm and what about you dick what's next for the great brick Tamland poon poon hunting do you know what pute hunting is I'm going to bag a poon I don't think he knows what it is champ I'll sell you the poon that I hunt taps deep fried poon with a side of slaw I'm in deep fried poon you think you'll go back to Hawaii see your wife lanai no no flus eaten by cannibals my cannonballs cannonballs that's two words together that's right okay what about you Ron what do you think you're gonna do I've got some exciting investment opportunities I'm gonna look into at the same time there's a lot of bad investments out there and you have to look out for them Baxter no offense my friend but your investment advice isn't exactly top-notch this little fella want to be put money in an ice cream company called Microsoft he's a dog and Googler it's a something called a search engine which I'll tell you I've got one engine it's a 457 and it does justify a gang I am loving these graphics can we get more of them I mean people love the colors but there's already a lot there's already like what graphics no I don't think there could be too much I want you to barely be able to see my face hey you heard the man more graphics are you gonna do it are you just gonna sit there like a weird beard guy we have some American flags we can perfect it's not so bad is it yeah you just try to do your job for once all right I'm weatherman brick Tamland and I like butter butter is good there are lots of different uses for butter one of which is to eat butter I probably eat 2 to 3 pounds of butter each and every day sometimes when I'm feeling low I'll go to the bottom of an abandoned pool and eat a big stick of butter butter is healthy it's nutritious and it tastes great so next time you're feeling down why don't you reach for a hearty stick of butter [Laughter] [Laughter] [Music] we're missing some high-quality Garfield laughs over here man I think our boss just tried to rape me what I don't know what happened but Linda Jackson got very physical with me be straight with us Ron how big is their penis I know the answer to this but I just have to ask it can men get pregnant well I don't see why you wouldn't try I mean there was just a ball of motion and sweat and hair and noises at one point I swear to you the only thing I remember was a stiletto pressed into my jugular I don't know I just remember blacking out and hearing a I wake up this far away from my nose 16 millimeter camera full lighting kit impressive well Ron if you think you were violated I might need to see that tape sounds like she wants you hey man lady's been all over me since we got crazy famous this Fame game is fun the other night I'm hanging out with Gary Busey and Larry Csonka we got so drunk we woke up in a wrecked car in the middle of Fifth Avenue soaked in our own urine good times good times what fun memories yeah a barrel laughs yeah famous been great I made toast and I ate a peach thank you sir that's that's great that's good that is great Wow brick that's nice breakfast good I have a date that's great good for you brick what's the date well a date is when you sneak into a woman's bathroom and listen to him tinkle no brick a date is wind two people a man and a woman go out for a social occasion go see a movie go to a dinner I know what a date is it's when you start coughing and you cough and you cough and you cough and finally something comes out and runs away as sounds like a scene from a science fiction movie did you watch alien it sounds to me like you you threw up some sort of live animal maybe a vole possibly did you try to eat her a small rodent brick brick do you still have Sammy your vole it's a date that's where Sammy went brick that's rule number two don't eat your pets regardless here's the good thing brick you've got the three best friends you can count on to give you advice about the ladies don't you worry all right we got you covered we need to get you a little protection [Music] there it is let the Angels blow their trumpets Brian fantana's world famous Jimmy cabinet for you I'm thinking the responsible pirate be careful when you're pillaging it's good to put in her Yoho Yoho no you know what might be good for you brick missile silo scientifically engineered to prevent premature blast-off also protects us from the Red Menace I could just give you a box at Coney Island white fish this is a good condom for the environmentalist the recycled condoms made out of 100% used latex condoms every fifth condom is still wet and slimy and they taste great on a bagel I like mine on a toasted poppy seed here's some kind of Japanese condom I don't know what it's called it's got bananas on the front and a little weird shaped cork guy I don't think that's a condom Brian looks like Japanese candy I don't know what it is but I know that after I took it off my penis smelled like shrimp what about [ __ ] frock [ __ ] frock each one's lubricated in holy water to UM be protected from head to toe maybe Teddy's big stick it's the only condom I know it has the presidential seal of approval another great thing about this condom percentage goes to the National Parks Association unfortunately that condom led to the useless slaughter of our Native American bison population maybe the gentleman goose it's made at a real Mongoose hair so it smells horrible in fact this is a terrible condom we should go with something else oh I know Brian what about the hooded guest that one is ultra ribbed takes two hours to get on it's a plan ahead the only problem with this one is that it's toxic and highly flammable the friction from having sex will cause it to burst into flames immediately so you might want to rethink this Oh what about Lou dobins goodtime Weiner pouch they're made out of denim so with each washing they'll start to form around your penis I'd like to take the metal buttons off him before I use him he's a drifter drinks wine out of a boat a bag just likes to watch people have sex there's a lot of up-close-and-personal quality control on that back of that rusted out you all he's a saint except for the fact that he's in jail who doesn't believe in God a denim dobe ins condom are really popular overseas in Japan the school kids love him who can trade him for albums and stuff wait a minute I've got it the rigid ghost that's the best damn rubber on the market puts the pole in poltergeist picture a ghostly apparition except that it's standing straight up can shoot fluid out of its head send a shiver up your spine a shower down your pants I don't know what we're talking about sleeve it to beaver this prophylactic comes with a laugh track you can wear it on your beaver cleaver this is a great condom to use when you're hitching a ride on the side of the road when I have sex with a complete stranger take those words to heart jean-claude clam Dam smells like the sea a highly polluted sea but still the sea bow boy condom when the saints come marchin in its got a taste of Creole covered in cajun spices which makes it an extremely unpleasant experience for the woman has the texture of a fried oyster each box comes with some Mardi Gras beads you can throw them around your dick yeah I don't use condoms I'm on the pill but Jeff you realize the pill is not effective for men oh really that's not what my palm reader says but what kind of pill does she give you just something she gives me what's the pill called tic-tac you just swallow some tic tacs and hope for the best no you just tap it your pee-hole oh so you put a tic tac up your penis mm-hmm so at this moment you have a number of Tic Tacs lodged up inside your penis well as many as you can stand yeah geez I haven't urinate in two months I was here Tic Tacs when you're walking that explains it I'll tell you what my ding dongs got good breath right guys hey in a bind I've been known to use a mylar comic book bag that way my peepee stays in mint condition brick I hope you're writing this stuff down so we're gonna take a brick dinner hot-tubbing I thought maybe I take her to a soda machine and then we'd listen to some AM radio you know nice place take gals and off-track betting parlor then later mosey out to a quarry maybe a sauna the point is brick just enjoy yourself Ron I need to talk to you right now hi mom brick I am NOT your mother I have told you that countless times okay what's Gary doing Ron I'm just here to make sure things don't get out of hand I have some experience in conflict mediation Veronica hey hey lady and the boys Ron you need to drop this custody battle right now now you were using Walter to get back at me and that is wrong hurts to lose doesn't it Ron that was just a pre-trial hearing nobody's won or lost anything that said we want you to be part of little Walters life doesn't have to be like this I make love with Veronica it doesn't mean you can't still see her son I'm living in your house I'm wearing your clothes I spend your money at times doesn't mean you can't visit your son when you want to what's your deal Gary why are you so positive all that huh you got this psychology gamer running yeah I think you're a little threatened by my job Ron but truth is psychology isn't the enemy here psychology is a way for people to express themselves and get healthy well you smiling all the time don't you get it fella I hate you I'm your friend you're in your back room with your cloaks and your caps and your warlock skull bending spoons with your mind I haven't bent spoons you know how I get healthy i crack a raw egg over a pork chop and ask a cute little waitress for panties go take a bucket arrange balls go up on the bluff with my 9-iron and hack them down on the school kids in the schoolyard okay take my shirt off go work a heavy bag in a driving rain get some neighborhood Punk's trying to steal my newspaper off the doorstep I run him down and put him in a headlock if I'm really feeling on edge I throw up my meals to give me a sense of controlling my body and that's not healthy I use anger and booze works pretty well and keeping those pesky feelings at bay okay I go with sex and credit-card debt okay enough I crack a raw egg over panties and punch the bag and throw up okay enough enough you are impossible you know that now I know you were mad at me but you have to drop this I know but you've been telling Walter Ron he said do Viking hookers go to heaven when they die and then he pointed at me and he called me a Viking hooker all right Veronica I'll drop it you promise to quit the news forever you take the a train to hell fine then this is all your fault and I'm gonna take Walter out of your cold dry harpy hands then I'm gonna take him and raise him to be a street fighter in the streets of Manila and you're gonna run into him ten years from now barrel-chested and tattooed and there won't be any pupils in his eyes it'll be dark he won't know you from Jim that'll never happen Ron and it's all your fault because you won't be reasonable and quit the news now if you'll excuse us we need to prepare tonight's broadcast because we're gonna beat you goodbye Gary oh stop telling you he's reading my mind yeah yeah I saw it yeah he has to be how else would he know that punch was coming scared oh and one other thing Veronica a black woman just made a pass at me five minutes ago just thought you should know don't you be touching approps aren't they wonderful there's something new on the New York social scene it's fun relatively benign and costs about as much as a soda pop at the local drugstore here's Brian Fantana on why everyone who is someone is lining up to smoke crack cocaine is of course a wildly popular drug but not everyone can afford this fun little pick-me-up er enter onto the scene cocaine's more affordable little buddy crack this cool cousin of the benign cocaine is ingested not by snorting but smoking and a two bucks is stoned people are literally going crazy for this I love it it's fun there's 40 I like the affordability it makes it fast and easy to make lunch and it's great because we're on a budget honestly it just makes me smile inside now Brian I understand we have some crack and we're gonna smoke it right here in the studio I don't even get a shot of that what am I looking at here Jim what is that did you know they were gonna have that you know that paraphernalia this is everything you're gonna need if you want to smoke crack what these glass tubes are described these are these are the pipes vials we've got some and one for me please don't don't reach for it don't oh and it's called crack because no it's because you just break it up make it off you know a friend of mine at the CIA told me about this and apparently they're gonna introduce it to urban neighborhoods where the poor live and it's gonna help relieve hunger that's fun yeah then they take the profits and they funnel it to right-wing death squads and Nicaragua I know if you can see that that's a rock I'm holding a crack rock you know pack it in there right my rock in they look like they know what they're doing no now what you're gonna want to do is turn your lighters up high because you're gonna liquefy the way yeah yeah you're gonna liquefy the crystal and then you're just going to inhale deeply oh oh whoa whoa you feel that right away wow that's good that's good that's an immediate state of euphoria you guys seem happy you'll be surprised the effect it happens very cool hmm I can tell you I'm gonna need more of this Ron did you smoke the rest of mine Brian hey listen my mom's got this diamond necklace and I'll sell it to you if I get some more what fine now you could probably lose some weight on this stuff right oh yeah yeah yeah it's a you lose inches within a matter of days you don't want to eat food you don't even want to think about any of it one of the great things not cracking yeah you just don't think about anything else you don't think about food you don't think about showering yes I already feel my heart raisin good for the waistline you know who really should have this or runners mm-hmm if you're experienced any kind of back pain smoke a little crack got a toothache smoked a little crack it's just refreshing you know after a good meal I feel like it makes me project better it makes you invincible is what it right now they're actually enjoying it of course they're enjoying it it's crack just stop Oh apparently the police are here the police are here really for long for Ron Burgundy and my whole crack news team [Music] I just made that up I may not always know the facts but I'll always tell you the truth I don't understand why there's not more goodnight everyone there's no more there's more oh this is how this is bricks I'll keep it for her brick won't know all right I'll hold on to this one enjoy and I tell you what yep I'll give it to you but you got to suck my dick that's okay my mouth my mouth well now we know guys you can't smoke crack on live television thank you for the information thank you guys I appreciate it you realize you you almost went to prison come on Freddie lighten up ratings are through the roof wait till next week sweeps when we finally beat the networks and then beat your ex-wife that's what this is all about in Natron that's poppycock whatever you say hey long as you get ratings I don't care mr. Burgundy oh hey here now okay I have a business meeting with Linda we're gonna talk about charts pie charts tick-tock mr. burgundy I'm waiting be careful fire on move those cute little white buns of yours she's wearing red she's definitely in a gang it's just a work dinner I don't think they're gonna talk about pie charts guys help a yes good I got what I got wait a minute is that the crack stuff he's got along my income it's the nicest soda machine anyone's ever taking me to the beauty of the soda machine pales in comparison to your beauty I've had 15 sodas I keep having to pee it's a good thing the restroom is so beautiful but again the restrooms beauty pales in comparison to your beauty it's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me can I ask you a personal question I'm not sure that is but yes have you ever kissed anyone do faces on the TV screen and Planet of the Apes action figures count of course then yes I have kissed Angie Dickinson and dr. Zaius I've only kissed people in my dreams so I've only kissed a tiny dragon and a woman with her hair on fire can I ask you a perk Ettore question of course you can you barrel-chested love fist have you ever been to an Italian restaurant they deliver your food and when the food comes you say that's a spicy meatball and everyone laughs but then you keep saying it no less than 100 times and all the people in the restaurant start yelling at you not wanting you to say those words anymore but you just need to keep saying them and then the owner comes out and throws you through a plate-glass window that has happened to me exactly as you've described it at least 10 times have you ever gone to a haunted house with your friends and you get left behind and you end up spending the night and staying there for three weeks and you get really used to it start cooking dinners for the Frankenstein statues and then one day they come to demolish it and you go out in the front porch and say that happens to me every Halloween what I think I'm ready to try that kiss thing now I will be so careful and delicate and I promise I will not bite a hole in your cheek now like Miss Jackson did me to scare em assist thinking you really don't need a bigger office mr. Allenby I wasn't expecting you to yeah no I don't neither was i but then I heard about this little story that Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana are running you see some of the planes from my airline have had parts falling off them lately is it a problem yeah is it being fixed I'd probably know what's really surprising is that Burgundy actually came across a real news story but I guess even a blind learning disabled squirrel occasionally finds a nut but the bottom line is if that story runs then koala stock will plummet and that won't make me a very happy chappie but we can't just get rid of the story we own the news we can do whatever we want that's one of the perks it's called synergy one company working with another koala Airlines in bed with GNN nice and cozy yeah speaking of which have you slept with him that's really none of your business you have that's good then it won't be hard to kill that story what would you like Harry strikes me as a Harry block are you serious and you didn't accidentally scream my name by mistake that is way out of line mr. Almy no even as I said it I knew that that was a line was crossed Burgundy didn't mention me either no good I'm can't she never came up no good good that's good but I wonder if it could come up with you and me sometime yeah follow my drift I want to have sex with you sorry that's not good a double entendres you're pressuring me to sleep with you why you're asking me to kill a story yeah you know it's I guess it's bad timing we'll have dinner another time you know it's important that you get close to Burgundy the closer you get the better for everyone matter of fact I think it might be time to him to meet you a family get a little of that home cooking mr. Allenby I won't have her can you meet my family to kill a story I'll be as clear as I can Ron Burgundy may well be the most valuable media tool that any corporation has ever had whatever he says becomes the truth so you treat him like the thoroughbred he is and my girl you could have a very very rewarding career I know knows maybe you and I could be riding thoroughbreds naked off the coast of Capri no okay you get a pants on but we'll be topless mr. Allenby I am NOT gonna ride on thoroughbred horses with you topless fun fun they can be ITV's you could be in a bikini I'll be wearing Miss beta's swim trunks yell budgie smugglers look I would do this for my career but I am NOT sleeping with you well this energy just energy mr. Hamby please call me catch no I'd rather not not why not it doesn't sound like a name it it feels like a dirty word and it just feels odd Scottish means big man on small horse it's short for Ken come on okay Kench that's more like it it's a lovely night out yes you seem a little quiet I must say just so you know I'm absolutely fine with going to this family dinner no it's not that me I'm just tired you know hmm I don't I said my mom rides me every time I don't have a date for these family get-togethers she thinks that I'm obsessed with my career understood stay clear of mother she's definitely not gonna take on career-driven that's for sure yeah a giant idiot and you don't care well just so you know I've been telling all my friends anyone who listened that I'm dating an african-american woman blissfully in interracial love I've told them a lot intimate details about our escapades in the bedroom oh you mean well we think we have some some pretty good naked times you know what I told him that I really did know you tens is that not should I not funny I'm glad you like that well I don't see how that could have gone any better are you nuts no I'm not I had a wonderful evening uh yeah I think your folks were very impressed by me wait dad was kicking you in the head I thought it was like being jumped into a gang only with dinner guests you called my family pipe meeting [ __ ] were you at the same dinner I'm not very good at jive okay the cats out of the bag obviously then you know what we don't speak jive either we speak English okay see I don't know these things you have to give me a break here you're you're you're really only the third African and American that it's African American African American right African American I've spent quality time with I was just trying to fit in you're the one who put me in this situation I hate depending on you but you did invite me to dinner sorry mess it up just a dumb anchorman San Diego I'm I'm dating a beautiful stunning woman who was absolutely accomplished I'm in way over my head I just care for you a lot I wanted to impress you I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry thank God you said that it is kind of your fault I was under a lot of stress because because Allenby he doesn't want you to do the story that you're doing for sweeps what story the one about his airline oh that's fantastic get from above yes yes parts of his aircraft er falling off in mid flights it's an excellent story wonderful expose sometimes when you want to get to the top give to sacrifice he has an airline he wants that to succeed NES to Yunnan and he wants that to succeed have you ever heard of synergy I have do you know what it means so oh so listen to this this guy cuts me off right on the Westside Highway he comes out of nowhere and I slam on the brakes to a complete 180 I say uh buster this doesn't end this way I chase him down cut him off I come out and hop on his hood I'm screaming at him going you take you know how to drive I started pounding on his hood he comes out here he's a big boy he's about two thirty two fifty five six eight and hands like vise-grips and he starts choking me and I start blacking out but I quickly grabbed his car in ten I start whipping on the back he's covered in lacerations I got a pretty bad hematoma myself that ever happened to you know huh oh thank god you're bringing something up yes sometimes songs at night and I get scared I think there's a ghost in my closet now you listen to me son I'm a grown man all right I've done things I've been places and I'm gonna tell you this right now there is no such thing as ghosts case closed thank you daddy you're welcome son there's no such thing as ghosts zombies tree werewolves Canyon harpies that can fly through walls and steal babies out of mother's arms vapor phantoms angry store mannequins with with dead eyes who look at you like this and then come to life as soon as you turned your back on them and there's no way there's nothing no way that right now this very moment literally right now there's a man dressed as a woman with jackieo sunglasses holding a rusted steak knife hiding in your bedroom closet waiting to pounce as soon as your head it's the pillow it's just not gonna happen all right maybe a one in 20 chance maybe one in 15 I'm starting to get scared why I'm telling you things that aren't real so what's he about scary you really want to know this yes you really want to know the one thing you should be afraid of yes I really do voodoo yes voodoo that [ __ ] will mess you up and it is 100% real is it a monster I wish it was it's hard to wrap your head around it it's it's a dark art it's made up of chicken blood spells midnight sacrifices an orange peel with the tarantula underneath it you want to know the only way you can get out from underneath a voodoo spell yes you have to go to a graveyard on a Harvest Moon and sneak into a tomb you have to break into an old tomb and spin the night with bones so can you get your own ride home or should I take you home as well okay great load off my plate that opens up my day thank you what did you tell him I didn't tell him anything he hasn't slept for four days Ron everywhere we go he asked me if we're going to Haiti what does that even mean I am so sick and tired that you sheltered him from the evils of voodoo Ron listen to me he has a science fair tomorrow at eight o'clock and he wants you to be there I will be there at eight o'clock tomorrow do you understand me come on Veronica you know you still miss me I'm wearing my tight gym shorts that you love so much the ones with the orange piping yes just admit you still love me I have to go wrong and you can't say no please Ron you give me the word and I'll come over there right away and kill Gary with a rusted steak knife you are a despicable buffoon just tell me the truth as Gary touched you today well has he yes we made love last night when you get sassy and this morning and I am bent over the table right now yeah happy not happy but I could tell you lying you have a son now he has a science fair tomorrow at 8:00 p.m. and he is counting on you being there all right look I'll be there alright but I demand some alone time with you you and me 15 minutes in a janitorial closet for some boner times I can't do boner time with you Ron Veronica I'm not playing around if I can't have you then I'll destroy you I am 10 times the journalist that you are mr. Burgundy bring it on fine and say hello to that shitheel for me Baxter I am NOT obstinate oh really you think I'm using Walter as a pawn I swear Baxter you better shut up or I'll bludgeon you with this telephone right now no just say it you already said half of it you know what Baxter I do have feelings and those are the words that's the worst thing you've ever said to me you could sleep in fantana's room tonight for all I care stay away from me damn it Milton why won't you talk to me just give me the news well run I wish I had better news looks as if both optic nerves are separated from their respective corneas there's no other way to put this but you're you're blind what how could that be I could see yesterday you had an accident remember was there a fire no was I in a hang gliding accident Ron skip the guesswork carnival I was at the carnival while you weren't the carnival did I almost choked to death on a rib I love ribs what do you mean I'm blind Milton you're one of my closest most cherished friends heck we always go to Houston for Mardi Gras New Orleans you're a doctor Milton if you tell me I'm not blind then doesn't that make me not blind no I can't tell you that you're not blind if you are blind let's try it run I'm a doctor not a magician just say it to say Ron you're not blind and let's see if it works I'm not gonna say it healing words have powers beyond our realm of comprehension just try just say it Ron you're not blind okay Ron I don't want you to be blind no say Ron you're not blind run what do you have to lose my license just say Ron you're not blind run you're blind come on you're a punk Milton this is your fault alright run you've gone too far I felt like I've started losing my sight ever since you started having me take vitamin C with rose hips fix me right now or I'll walk out of this office and tell everyone I see that you caused me to go blind okay all right there is one more test I can do I knew it you were holding out on me yep you're blind I'm an anchorman I read the news off the teleprompter it's it's what I was put on this earth to do how will I live run I'm I'm no career counselor but there are many things you can do you can sell brooms be a blues singer I'm not a professional singer sometimes I even think some of the officials in the NFL are blind not technically feel like you're lying to me run settle down to be something in this fancy office some sort of pill a device some sort of helmet I can put on that would like a batting helmet but with artificial eye balls that hooks through my nose into my brain with receptors I'm not a doctor you know what I'm you know what I'm getting at Ron you're confused not confused what if I fell exactly the same way I fell on the ice last night what if we recreated the fall exactly the way it happened wouldn't it reverse it probably you'd break your neck do you have a blunt instrument in this office maybe what if I gave myself a concussion what if I ran as hard as I could into that wall bounce back wouldn't have the same reverse effect as my fall on the ice did you see that in a movie run what if I took LSD LSD and horse tranquilizer would that reverse any of the effects Milton you can jump in any time you like I'm coming up with all the ideas I feel like you're just sitting there looking at me I know you're a doctor but so far you're not showing me much but when you lose your sight you lose everything you do sir your livelihood you lose your woman you start to lose sexual function I know that much I don't even know if you can go to the bathroom anymore your body systems start to shut down I feel like my kidneys are failing right now run nothing's failing but your sight I'm never gonna see again I'm never gonna eat your brain that did not go well so glad someone tell me where am I in the ball a movie sanam runs [Music] the world of the blind it is a mystery one that few of us will ever know Ron Burgundy a man who had flourished in a visual medium had forever entered this realm of darkness Anton wins it's official ABC announced that Richard Mulligan will return to the wildly popular television series soap Times Square was flooded with hundreds of thousands of supporters who were jubilant with the news unfortunately the celebration was marred with numerous sexual assaults and got turned off disallowance the crowd was dispersed excuse me mr. Burgundy can I help you where am I you're in the hospital to get out of here I'm a newsman I belong in a newsroom let me out of here I'm not pregnant what is he doing out here he's got a hospital gown on and his ass is exposed out of my way hold that elevator where is it push the third floor hey man you're standing in front of a microwave what do you want you want a burrito I actually would love one I'm famished Oh mr. Burgundy you're here for your guide dog is he biscuit ouch he's on my arm down biscuit I sit down that's all tendon huh what is this is this a door no that's the third storey window what [Music] Oh what did I land on now the dog is still on my arm I am Don it's a man I'm so sorry sir why is your face so cold hey those bodies they're going to the morgue oh my goodness gross what's going on with you bloody arms ass hanging out face covered in a burrito aren't you that guy from the TV yes I am I need to get to the station where's the GNN building it's just a hundred feet over there muchas gracias Senor I'm Asian no hit me so damn thirsty here for a haircut or a shave so damn thirsty is this the GNN lobby no it's big Nate's barbershop gia Nana's across the street oh this is terrible tasting water with straight chicken bones in it you mean the blue fluid with combs floating in it you just go down Barbara Saul I'm so thirsty I'm gonna drink some more stop I can give you water Oh tastes awful all these chicken bones all right listen up I want to update you all on the condition of Ron Burgundy just tell us the truth Freddy is he still alive I heard he shattered his legs no how was that even possible it was a head injury I heard he's a superhero or that he's pregnant note that this is what I'm talking about Ron has been given the best care possible Freddy if he's dead I need to ice that body and get it back to San Diego you're not touching the body don't you serve him at your restaurant don't you worry I'll save the head then we got to stop these rumors everything is fine Ron Burgundy is just fine [Music] [Applause] did I wander into a horror movie screaming just some amusement park that was yelling below I'm in a prison of darkness security so climb I'm so damned live oh we're here oh well right behind you is that is that the news team yes yes who brian is how good oh good I can do the news look I need some cleaning up but and someone will have to help me with the prompt no Freddy Freddy is that you yes yes but no news on your face Freddy what's let me feel your face uh aren't your finger time and dirty with the cameras on right there just hold my burrito I got your burrito good evening this is Ron Burgundy a cyclist Ron Berger here coming to you from Giannini's today I had a herring herring herring first day as a blind person now I truly know what the blind community goes through it's a living nightmare of endless darkness and pain and innuendo and suffering turns out there was a three-car massive pileup on the Van Wyck Expressway so I suggest you take the Triborough bridge a new restaurant opening in town I'm getting a cubic there's a new restaurant there's a new restaurant opening in town this is just a pity what who said that who said this is a pity let's go to commercial it was Freddie Shapp he just said he's within swinging distance you're closer journeys in front of Ronnie yeah we're all friends here [ __ ] artist what [Music] relax Baxter this should warm you up huh well then get over here I can't bring the fire to you who is it Ron it's us what it's us oh no it's Brian and brick and champ oh please come in let me I just put some logs on the hearth let me tidy up the dishwasher make yourself at home goodness is the ghost of Stonewall Jackson everyone just me and him why do we have to fight this so much I could learn from you brother shall slay brother man is but a noble beasts of burden savage and dumb what does that mean I have so many questions I want to ask you all right Colonel burgundy I shall grant you three questions from the afterlife before I consume your soul right question number one is why do you have to consume my soul because I am a soul eater colonel Burgundy all right well question number two who's gonna win next year's World Series Dodgers four games to two Ron Cey Pedro Guerrero and Steve Yeager shall share honors keep in mind I am a messenger from the afterlife you have one question left Colonel burger now if you could eat dinner with any three people in history who would it be that's your question your final question I can't think I'm in the middle of a battle all right real quick Barbra Streisand's of course Rip Taylor and Steven you little [ __ ] the boot black hole Charles I missed that boy and now Ron Burgundy it is time for me to consume your soul Stonewall Jackson why do we have to fight there's so much I could learn from you why brother shall slay brother man is but a noble beasts of burden his only thrill the joy of murder I still wish we didn't have to fight I have so many questions for you Colonel burgundy I will give you three questions and then I shall consume your soul will I go to heaven how do I say this afterlife there was nothing but darkness for you Ron Burgundy a candle snuffed impedance it's extra grim you're bumming me out your next question what's your favorite show on ABC's fall lineup really that is your question I am a decorated general who has come from the afterlife to visit you it has to be asked it's a great lineup of television fine I was a big Happy Days guy I'm going with Joanie Loves Chachi really I think that Scott player has charisma I thought you'd go with Laverne and Shirley I mean I know Shirley's not in it anymore and Laverne moved to LA but still it feels like a family it's true Laverne always does bring strong comedies but I just felt like the move to Los Angeles was a bit much fair enough have you seen the new show Angie with Donna Pascal I guess that's my third question you are wasting a sacred visitation Colonel burger you're kind of a dick Stonewall Jackson if you were on Fantasy Island what would your fantasy be a three-way those were forbidden in Motta frowned upon maybe I judged you too harshly you're all right you're not so bad yourself Colonel Burgundy say we go get some beers and potato skins are just JA for a while that would be great and now before I join this couple in holy matrimony brick and Chani asked us to join them as they exchange their vows my dearest grill we've had so many good times already like the time we went to the bank and the other time we went to the same Bank our friends and family will never forget the time we set fire to our car and it exploded killing an elderly jeweller one thing's for sure I will never leave your side even if it means going into the men's room with you for joining the army my lovely chanee when it comes to our love I must read from the poem we both love in case of choking clear throat to create a clear pathway then put fist on diaphragm from behind and push until breathing resumes sometimes I'll be with brig and I'll think I must be dreaming and then we both get on the back of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and ride it into a castle made out of pork and then I'll think this has to be a dream then Britt will have the head of Napoleon or one of the other Beatles but it will still be brick and then I met my old high school and it's still kind of like the White House and then somehow I'm in my bed and my alarm goes off and I'm awake and I realize it was real now I'll ask the bride to repeat after me hi Johnny take break hi Johnny take brick no purse you know her no she's supposed to repeat now she's supposed to repeat after me okay fine I now pronounce this couple man and wife you may kiss the bride immediately following the service dinner will be served at the vending machines at the hotel

Channel: No Name

Views: 1,042,457

Keywords: Anchorman

Id: 3TchW16gfLk

Length: 91min 2sec (5462 seconds)

Published: Fri May 01 2020