An Exercise in Adaptability: How to Bend Without Breaking - Letters From Esther

hello everyone welcome to our workshops our youtube workshops um topic today adaptation the great adaptation how do we stay grounded when the ground is moving my colleague lisa fortuna was describing how children drew trees after hurricane maria and they had very strong standing straight type of trees and then they had bending trees and the trees that stood straight ended up falling and the ones that were able to bend came back up lisa fortuna actually is the head of psychiatry at university of san francisco medical school and she will be joining us for sessions live our annual conference in november coming soon but i'll come back to that in a moment when a recent newsletter came out we had some wonderful responses from people who had their own image that came to mind to the word adaptation one spiritual counselor was writing it really depends on what type of tree you are so i closed my eyes and i started to imagine the kind of tree you know the willow although she weeps over the water is actually always bent over the mighty oak believes that it's kings and grows to poke a hole in the sky but when the wind comes the weeping willow lives and the oak falls i thought that was such a beautiful response to what we were writing about adaptation someone else talked about the avatar last airbender and someone else wrote about the resilience actually it was a nicer word it was called a trifecta of resilience which is a bending perspective and attitude the trifecta of resilience so the idea is all the same though right when you have flexibility you can bend without breaking because you know that you are connected at the root and part of the reason that i like these images is because bending is really important to me i bend daily physically i basically don't even get out of bed without bending it's the stretch that awakens the body and expands our edges in all these positions i raise my hands right now we can both all we can all do this i i extend i breathe in i extend and then i bend as i breathe out and the more i breathe out and the more i bend and bending is external and internal all at the same time and then i go to the other side actually like a wind that blows through a tree you know bending is flexibility it's agility it's nimbleness physically speaking but psychologically speaking bending is what we're called to do when we can't change our circumstances when we can only change the way that we react to them in business disease people call bending pivoting immigrants have been adapting all along so they adjust they acculturate they do this forever children learn by imitating and then by identifying and then by internalizing that is psychological bending it's what many of us call adaptability and it is an essential part of resilience and this is the time the theme of our workshop today so since we're not going back to normal we have to look at what will change what will stay the same and what was required of us to meet this moment okay but first let me set the stage hello everyone and thank you for joining me for letters from astaire live it is my monthly workshop series that helps you reflect and act and develop greater confidence and relational intelligence in all your relationships this series happens monthly on youtube and on facebook live for more for from letters from estere you visit estereparrel.com blog and i invite you every month here on youtube and on facebook to discuss the newsletters so we read it we reflect on it we come together we discuss it and then we will end today with a q a as well so that we can also talk together about some of these ideas and as always i encourage you to have a notebook to take notes handwritten typed whichever but have it available so that you can track your own progress as you develop your relational intelligence and if you like what you learned today be my guest subscribe to my youtube channel then we are even more connected this month all over i'm focusing on the theme of adaptability it's also going to be the theme of my annual sessions live conference which takes place in november it's a virtual conference it's three saturdays in november it's for therapists coaches and all professionals who work on health mental health and wellness if you'd like to learn more or if you want to register for sessions live you just click the link that is here in the description and then i hope you stay all the way through so that we go to the q a together now what is the moment we are in because for me a lot has changed in these last couple of years and i have changed a lot so let me ask you first in the chat have your changes been more reactive or proactive if you take a look have most of your changes been in response to external circumstances or to internal drives needs experiences again have your changes been more reactive or more proactive take a moment scan think and then respond have most of the changes been in response to external circumstances or have you felt an internal pull to change then what helped you most in these circumstances what helped you with the changes and i often think you know in polarity so on one side i see you know some people who when they address change or circumstances that the men change they want to stand strong and tall they want to hold on to their routines and their beliefs they try to keep normalcy as much as they can and then some other people here probably went in the opposite direction you felt a pull to change everything all at once you wanted to quit your jobs move somewhere else put your stuff in storage and change your relationship status anything else that matters really you know so for those of you who answered holding on tight did your life stay the same and for those of you who answered change everything at once did you change too much stability and change and homeostasis pull that tries to maintain that equilibrium the key to not falling too far in either direction is adaptability so let me take a look at what you right here a little bit of boat proactive due to having coveted my creativity helped me with the reaction creativity was the strength yes yes yes yes both depending especially on how resourced i am or not yes yes yes many of you want to say both but i'm forcing you to think a little bit deeper because of course both is the best for many of us but some of us have an inclination we have a propensity we have a history that takes us in one direction more than the other but yes it is exactly that both that adaptability that doesn't prioritize drastic change over fierce rigidity that adaptability that helps us balance between the two so why don't we go and define adaptability here right i think when you say both all of you you are really thinking along similar lines as i am right now adaptability is the conversation within us between stability and change between continuity and novelty or continuity and innovation between where i was and where i go and that negotiation it's the marriage of our fundamental needs for security and adventure so for example you have a new job how do you negotiate between what you learned before what you already know what you need to know now the kind of place you came from the kind of place that you are now in what is the negotiation between the old and the new between what can be held on to from before the skill set etc and where what you need to quickly quickly learn now that is the adaptation men having a child you know having a child is a lifelong process of adaptation but so is having a sibling i thought of that you know the older per child who gets a sibling goes to a massive you know adaptation you were the only one you had the the prince or the princess of the house and look what happens when we break a leg suddenly and we are no longer mobile and everything in our body that we rely upon and we have to adapt i once broke my wrist and then it was and my right hand wrist i had to write with the left hand i had to dress with the left hand adaptation i thought my god can i even become ambidextrous but no at the end of it all i went right back to the strong hand and never looked back to my left said bye bye you know birth and loss i think that all additions and subtractions of people in our lives in our families in our relationships are probably some of the most important experiences of adaptation relationship changes which goes together it's a loss it's the same idea the breakup you know is a major major one boundary changes is an adaptation continuous negotiation when i go running and i realize i can't do what i used to do it's an adaptation really when i look at the majority of important life cycle transitions i'm thinking of it in terms of adaptation and the flexibility that is required every living organism every human being every living organism in nature continuously adapts to both internal and external stimuli what i was asking you internal pools experiences you had on the inside or things on the outside changing circumstances i think it's such a useful framework adaptability is our ability to bend and come back to center over and over again it increases our flexibility each time whether we're in our daily stretch or whether we're in the fight for our life proactive after my first breakup yes but reactive since the pandemic hello from israel but that doesn't tell me what uh what you are adapting to hello hello israel adaptation towards security is the key tired normalcy for 15 years flop now moving into change mode proactive changes can only happen from a place of peace and comfort people under stress and duress have no choice but to be reactive agreed agreed what helped me was to identifying needs that weren't being met and proactively deciding to meet them beautiful yes absolutely when i say that it means i have nothing to add you just said it as concise and clearly as needs to be micro yeah yeah yeah you know what does that adaptability look like in practice i think that once we've defined the concept what does it look like you know how do we know we are in that mode and it really helps to make a list of some of the changes that you made so that's exactly why these examples are so important you know and reframe them in the context of adaptability so i just jotted a few down for me for the last year adapting meant having a practice where i see patients from home in remote work something that's inconceivable as a therapist you you know you have to have an office the office is the ritualized place where this whole ritual of therapy basically takes place you know my supervision group which i had really listened to a few every a few months you know suddenly back to weekly meetings because we needed to collaborate and to offer support to each other that was adaptability you know i found time for it it just was like a non-negotiable and interestingly we were under stress and duress but we were not reactive it was it's an interesting thing we still managed to do this as an affirmative expression of what we all needed if we're going to be available for all our patients and we are going to parallel process we need to feed ourselves we'll be here at eight o'clock that hour will become sacrosanct you know i adapted my kitchen into a stage for a free virtual workshop series and my team and i adapted the prompts that we had long used in my office and on my podcast and in my talks and then turned them into the card game where should we begin the game of stories because play is a risk-free way to practice being adaptive so you go ahead and tell me what changes you've made in the last year but frame them to the lens of adaptation so you're many many out there so go ahead just uh chat with me and uh you know some of us are predisposed to planning others perhaps time it but more important to at least really recognize that something has happened talking epidemic yes this you know i just saw a couple this week of a queer black couple two women um and the first thing they said about each other is she's the planner she's the logistics you know she wants to know in advance where she's gonna be and she confirms that she says i've been living in this same apartment for 10 years i've been in the same job for 19 years and of course when you present one partner like that you are bound to present the other partner in an opposite fashion and you create a certain binary as if you know one is the organizer and one can't do any of this and i just thought if you start with this from the beginning you're gonna take on more rigid roles that may be necessary a tendency doesn't mean that it's always only like that you know so anyway this couple is in my next season season five of where should we begin the podcast and it's been released the series is being starting tomorrow actually this is like good news for me so um it doesn't have to be major changes by the way right you pick something that highlights how flexible that you've become an experience of stretching beyond your comfort zone and if you don't have an example of that then tell me an area in your life that could benefit from developing those skills you know let me take a quick look what you're writing i'm a therapist too and move totally telehealth i've never done that before now i'm totally telehealth going through menopause yes absolutely that's an adaptation maternity adapting to the new person you're becoming and to the gaps between the mom you are and the mom you thought you were gonna be yes yes yes absolutely me too i want to say me too too many of these adapted to a new city a new home and a new flow including school in the mix yes multitasking motherhood work teacher wife yeah tell me about that you know yes those are all experiences um of adaptability you know and we posted actually the same question on instagram and uh i mean we got so many i was asked by one of my team members you know what's it like i said when i read the answers and it and they come in the thousands that's when you begin to really have a sense like an anthropological sense you know of where are the central hubs of adaptability when we look at our life right moving to a new country for better opportunities somebody just said that moving to a new city that's adaptability major that is ranks on the top five actually and gratitude helped me adapt quitting my job and still adapting not drinking taking time to cut back instead of quitting cold turkey is helping me adapt look at the way that the changes are phrased once you put them in the context of adaptation prioritizing my education ending codependent friendships with stagnant people is helping me adapt lowering my expectations of my children's behavior is helping me with the change to remote schooling beautiful ending a 10-year relationship and living alone for the first time strong community is helping me moving to a new city following my divorce so two major changes keeping the same job but working remotely is giving me a stability that i need broke up with my boyfriend staying busy is helping me becoming a mom staying in the moment is helping me came out as trans in a hetero relationship with kids therapy writing and communicating are helping all of us adapt because this one is a collective experience one person's change a whole group adapts and i of course am always delighted when i see so many of you say that therapy is helping you adapt to some of your biggest changes so before i start with some takeaways start sending your questions in so we have time to address a few of these you know but here's what i would like for you to take with you this is for all of you who said that you could use a little help with developing adaptability skills or perhaps even recognizing ways in which you've already been adapting all along that's why i like the way that the question is framed this is the change and this is what helped me to get there this is how i'm adapting to the change that in in of itself is an action-oriented resource-oriented resilience-oriented way of thinking about change and hence linking it with adaptability some of the questions that i want you to practice on they actually basically all come from my card game they've all found their way into the card game because they are so useful you know the card game you find at esterparel.com card game but go ahead and answer them when you get some time for yourself question one when was the last time you changed your mind changing our mind is an experience of adaptability what's the best piece of advice that you've ever received that means that you may have done something with it or stopped from doing something either way when was the last time that you took a big risk what is a part of yourself that you need to break up with what experience of adversity made you stronger what resources do you draw from family and community in hard times i would almost want to put that question on top it is such an important question now when you answer the resources that you draw from family and community it doesn't always mean that it's the good resources that people passed on to you sometimes it's the corrective experience of things that you didn't get but they too became resources in response to something that was first reactive and now is proactive i find these questions really helpful for looking at how far you've probably already come in developing this skill set so let me go and see a moment what you are sending me in terms of questions yes losing my husband lost friends changing my emotional patterns a few more of the of the changes a health issue forced me to make changes in my life that one adaptation has created countless changes in health wealth and relationships yes i think this is a very important thing you're highlighting is that one set of one adaptation here has ripple effects the parts of us that are so interdependent so that when you make a change here it connects with three or four other areas of our life yes how do you continue to adapt when you feel like you might like it's easier to fall back into old habits that no longer serve you where and who you are look i think that communities of support and um and bodies of accountability i mean there's a lot of things i do that i can't just always sustain but i reach out to people for whom this particular issue is more easy and i just have them support me encourage me remind me hold me you know and even tell me that when i flunk on some things you know we go right back it doesn't mean that because i missed one thing or one day that the whole thing is now in vain and i can start from scratch it's just just keep you keep you it's like bicycling learning to bicycle and you fall off you know you don't start to put the whole bike back in pieces you just go right back on and you start pedaling again and then after a while you begin to hold the steering wheel yourself you no longer need the little wheels at the back and you no longer need a person holding it right next to you and running on your side and you begin to basically internalize your change the other thing is admit it it's tough sometimes and you know on occasion you just feel like it's really really hard whatever the changes that you're talking about but that's the way that we hold on to it this image that i described to you before that children first imitate this is true also for immigrants first you imitate you do what other people do but you don't necessarily own it then you identify and then you internalize and it becomes yours and that takes time really time not in days not even in months sometimes it's in years it takes time to internalize major changes of lifestyle of values of relationships of losses of births these things accompany us throughout they're not just like you know and that's it it's done how do i explain adaptations i need to make that affect and may offend the people i love beautiful beautiful um i am about to change jobs leave city uh move whatever the big things that you're saying and um it's going to be hard for me and i know it's going to be hard for you too if i change jobs and my income changes if i go back to school and i can't be at home the way that i used to be if i need to go and take care of my mother family member whoever it is i mean if if basically you're gonna have less of me that's a major one i'm not going to be able to fulfill the roles and the obligations that you've been used to this is a very significant one it's like people are used to us being a certain way in relationship i count on you for this they count on you for that and you won't be able to counter me for these things anymore here's the thing you acknowledge it you be let them sit with it you may feel bad about it and guilty and for it but they will mean to be the ones that absorb it and adapt this is the interesting thing is that the adaptations that you are making are gonna mandate adaptations that they are going to need to respond to the changes that you're making and you and we often adapt to things that we don't particularly like that's the other thing it's not always a positive trend we adapt we accept we come to terms with we make the changes that are necessary to match the changes that the other person have done you have become a parent i am a parent too or you are a parent i am your partner i am going to need to understand that that means that i have to adapt to the changes that you are going through if i still think that you're going to give me the same amount of time the same amount of attention the same amount of resources the same amount of money that ain't going to happen so you have to let the other people sit with their distress if you just want them to say it's okay it's okay if you don't want to feel the guilt of the change or the the stress or the tension that or the surprise that it brings to other people it's very interesting i went last night to a goodbye party a very very close friend who's moving to work abroad i cheer her but at the same time i'm well aware that majority of the people who were at this goodbye party i am not gonna see unless she comes to visit and those are people that are in my sphere even though they're not close to me but i'm used to seeing them through her and i'm gonna miss her tremendously i am having to think about how i'm going to restructure my life without her here i have to adapt to her changes to which she is adapting these are chain events with degrees of interconnection and interdependence that's just how it is how might someone encourage positive personal development adaptations from a spouse when expecting during significant from a spouse when expecting or during significant life changes look urging other people to change is a real especially in relationship it's really interesting sometimes people welcome it and they say i'm so glad you're suggesting this i i'm gonna do it i think it's a great idea easy peasy sometimes you're trying to tell the other people to change something and they come back with defensiveness they feel attacked they feel criticized they don't like it or they're telling you they're already doing it and you're thinking yeah not really um and then it becomes the whole dynamic of how do we support the changes of others in a way that doesn't make them say no or you won't make me and it becomes a you know battle of differentiation inside the relationship so it's always interesting to find a way in that says i i'm saying this because i care i say this because i think you may really benefit from this and then you have to be able to sit with the time it will take for the other person to say yay or nay and not shove it and con and justify and convince and go into exercises of persuasion because the more you want to persuade them the other person is going to you know be more likely to not say yes of course so it's a very titrating experience how we go into encouraging other people to do things which we think would be good for them without knowing if they agree that this actually would be good for them too did i i hope i answered this question because it's really really an important piece you know we we want you know we want what we think is the positive adaptation for another person but they may not always think of themselves the way we do and that becomes in many relationships one person says to the other why don't you exercise more that would be so good why don't you eat healthier why don't you take better care of yourself it's a lot of things have to do with actually self-care hygiene nutrition you know you know things that basically are meant to be good there's like nothing to argue with but because it becomes i own what is good for you and i'm the one who will tell you and you don't want to do what i do because it puts you in an infantile position etc etc you get into a whole big relationship um mess so it it's a it's a fine dance is really what i want to say how do i adapt and communicate with a partner whose timeline is much behind yours trying not to be impatient and understand where he's coming from first of all you acknowledge it you just say it's really hard we are not at the same time we don't have the same timing you know i'm ready to have a child i'm ready to to move on i'm ready to go and get our own apartment i'm ready to change jobs i'm you know i'm i'm i'm on a different maturation and then you really want to understand what does the difference mean is it because you are you have figured things out more is it because you think the partner is afraid is it that your partner is unsure of himself doubts every time there is a decision wants to feel an unrealistic kind of certainty that therefore isn't going to make him able to do anything because nobody lives with 100 certainty on things is it because what is what does the slower pace mean and then this is a question of differentiation how do i move on even if you don't move at the same speed because you see at the beginning we're like this if you move on and your partner doesn't follow at the same speed there's a gap that gets created and that gap people can experience us fear frightening and threatening like we're no longer on the same page like you know how can we stay together and this is a moment of differentiation in a relationship where you own the thing you do and by the way interestingly you didn't tell me how he's reacting to your pace you only told me about how you reacting to his you know how much adaptability is relational do we need close relationships with others to move through life experiences this is two very different questions right adaptability is relational because one person's adaptation unless it only involves you which very few things do because we are relational you know unless you are a person that lives completely on your own your actions have no reflection that touches others but the majority of the time whether you work with people live with people a part of a family a part of a social network whatever it is how you behave affects others period how you change affect others and interestingly if you want to change the other one of the most powerful things you can do is actually change yourself if you don't want to do something anymore instead of putting all your efforts in making the other person do it if you stop doing it in a clear and consistent fashion you change the expectation of the other who has come to rely on you doing it anyway that's just a one example so um do we need close relationships with others to move through life experiences yes but but not everybody has the same amount of people and not everybody has the same amount of need for relationality as others so in this there's a nuance here how do you root yourself when your life and family have always been based on that's great look when you have come when you come from a chaotic background or a background that has tumultuous change way too much for for your good you will know that you are a person who needs anchor and you find often lifestyle and friends and partners etc who are more geared toward giving you anchoring you don't need massive thrill seekers you want to be with people who let you feel that you can rely on them you can depend on them that they'll show up for you that you experience a deep sense of security and rootedness and that that is more than you've ever had and you honor it um and that is also true that you won't be necessarily the biggest risk taker in life if you want you know it's okay and by the way this may change after a while but you may have a phase in life where what you needed was stability anchoring rootedness and that's fine and then there will be another phase in life where you will want the waves you needed the anchor and then you will want the waves this is the story of adaptability as well and with that uh we go on all our other platforms we continue this conversation and i'll see you next month goodbye and thank you everyone

Channel: Esther Perel

Views: 130,643

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Id: _NpuJsh8c9I

Length: 34min 58sec (2098 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 13 2021