Amy Schumer's "Parallel Thinking" Compilation (John Mulaney, Patrice O'Neal, Jenny Slate and more)

I am yeah I'm being accused of stealing jokes and I wanted to come and talk to you about it and clear my name because I would never ever do that and I never have how's this oh that's perfect they can ring them up right over there thanks so much okay I'm bengi if you need any other sizes you please let me know right there you go thank you hi how you doing great all right did somebody help you with this oh yeah she's right over oh she's not there hey did someone help you today yeah um-hmm who was it you know I don't I don't see him oh that's okay what did she look like she's dark hair she was wearing um she was wearing a blazer oh yeah all the girls were wearing Blazers do you know what he looks like yeah he is wearing like a like a best like a plaid shirt I feel like I don't know what everyone who works here wore today um get short hair so they'll probably do it just that he's black eye black eyes he has black eyes yep he had black eyes if she had a favorite president it would probably be Lincoln that's just confusing yes are there any other distinguishing features I would guess he probably bought it for Obama I know I did what and I'm literally gonna take a polygraph test and put it on my show this season and I promise whatever the results are I won't let them cut I will show that I had never never seen Patrice do that bit yeah gorilla mask oh that's you you come in a face right and then take some pubic hair and throw it out [Applause] here's the Abraham Lincoln that's where the guy trims his pubes [ __ ] on the girl's face and then throws the pubes so it she has that facial hair you have upholds a guy still holding guys is good but you need your friend oh right like you're [ __ ] her from behind and then you sneak out and he takes your place and then you walk outside and wave at her through the window I'm gonna go I'm here the worst one I've ever heard is the Houdini which is where the guys having sex with a girl from behind then unbeknownst to her his friend subs in for him guy number one runs outside knocks on the window waves to the girl where the diet is that you pay a chef to slap the food out of your mouth I came up with the scene the sleep gym because I was thinking I wish somebody could put me in a coma and work me out and then one of the other writers came up with slap chef so we just tacked it on this is I just feel like we're all so lazy with weight loss like we just want to be able to I was just standing in a hot tub in Vegas one weekend and I trying to get booked at Brad's club and I was thinking like why can't I be exercising by just standing here sure that's what every American Street right so this is like an infomercial about a new weight-loss plan for Americans let's take a look at this one but none of us had you know I'm a Kathleen's a great comedian I hadn't I have never seen one of her specials I had never heard her do that joke and I also didn't even write and I was season one of my show so I get why poor people are fat but Oprah you're a billionaire you have enough money to pay a man to stand there and literally slap [ __ ] out of your hand before you put it your mouth [Applause] you could hire a full-time food slapping slap shot with slap shot slap chef slap chef what's that it's a new weight loss program that takes decision-making out of the equation how does it work first one of slap chefs world class chefs makes you one of their signature dishes then before you can say slap chef they knock it out of your stupid mouth slap chef you're so rich you could pay someone to exorcise you you could just lay there like a baby with cerebral palsy and have people move your legs away you tried slap chef but that just left you hungry and with a searing headache and those other weight loss programs are exhausting what if I told you you could miss bleep Tim let's say sign me up but what's up just bleep gym is a workout program where we do all the work from sleep after we induce you into a coma it's off to the gym as the sleep gym trainers take your body through strenuous workout she did a joke in the 90s I special in the 90s I I didn't know Wendy till I got older I never would have seen her stand up in the 90s but I loved her and her joke we it's the same punchline his mind it's the play on the words like I like I think it's cool for the guy to pay beat beat beat for sexy you know and it's like that Kurt massacre even said to me before I did my special that he's like that I've like heard jokes like that on like the comic strip answering machine like it's I think that's like a little hack and I was like yeah but you know I I wrote it and I get to laugh maybe I'm old-fashioned but I like it when the guy pays for sex I I mean that I'm very old-school I think the guy should always pay on the first date for sex and I had definitely never seen Tammy pass gotelli do that like I didn't happen to catch her 2006 Comedy Central special and like sit on that bit that women dress for other women right that's why men if we love you we dress you for other women too that's why we dress you stupid because we want another woman to look at you and go he's cute but I can't fix all of this you dress him like that so nobody else wants that sex with him that's cool she Kathleen both Kathleen and Wendy believe me they know me and they don't believe that I would do that I think this is like Tami's trying to get something going I don't know I said if you say something people are gonna say that you're jealous or career Shane you and that's exactly what happened but underground this has been being said for a while no one wants to be part of this I want Amy to do well because comedy is tough being a female comic is even tougher just I say this I said it before I just want it to be on her own material and I get it she's saying it's parallel thinking now I had sort of a shitty experience last night watching the Amy Schumer special that was and the thing is like I didn't even think that she took it and I knew I didn't take it from her it's just one of these things we deal with this comedians it's like well that premise is a lot like the premise I got like we're all people here right everyone in here everyone has had come on them every one of you has had come on you I'm just reminding you that we're all disgusting no one in yours better than anyone else like you've all caught a hot load you know blacking out is when you drink so much that your brain goes to sleep but your body gets all I of the tiger and soldiers on and i black out when I drink is that the worst no your mind goes to sleep but your body's like tonight is my night I performed a lot of private schools I was telling a lot of religious schools I wonder what what goes on with religion I never knew what to believe with that I don't ever know what the Virgin Mary story you know what I mean did God and Virgin Mary make Jesus and I think the reason we don't know on that is because we didn't have Mary Povich back then doing the paternity test and that would have been a fantastic episode wouldn't it just Mary Povich and Virgin Mary sitting there I think that that would be the best ever Maury Povich baby daddy show don't you can you imagine opening that would be I think he can do it he's got the power like half the crowd would be priests half rabbis and the panel's Jesus Mary and Joseph I used to hide what my vagina did to my underpants and by the way what all vaginas do to all Underpants okay there is no woman who ends her day with like a clean pair of Underpants that look like they've ever even come from a store okay they look like little bags that have fallen face down in like a tub of cream cheese and then like commando crawl their way out then like carabiner it up like into a crotch like they're not they're not items that are like for anyone to see and number two was to this year just once take off a pair of underwear and have it not look like I blew my nose in it now so you find a pair of underwear on the floor and you're like how do I know my warhead please you know you know she knows some people say no glove no love however quantum mechanics dictates okay can you just put it on hey Amy you make me feel like an animal I actually can't do it tonight why cuz there's something blocking my way oh my god you are in enough that's word this vilification of me for saying it when there were three women that walked into this to the conversation and only one is the villain I thought that's a little bit that's just a little bit he does protest too much kind of thing and I'm you know me I'm so like is this anyone's bed like I have to come up with so much material on my TV show this movie stand-ups but like I'm and I'm so careful and none of these things had ever reached me

Channel: The Tangerine Show

Views: 7,566,800

Keywords:

Id: Qv0eWN8v_tg

Length: 11min 46sec (706 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 27 2016