Amanda & Michael Landingham / Losing Children, Bitterness & Finding Hope

this is live with Ryan Reese call now 180 day five sixty four sixty one seventy three or post your questions using the hashtag live Brian Reese on his Instagram Twitter or Facebook what up family it's good to be on again this Saturday night you know I'm gonna tell you this it is good to be back in town I've been touring the nation doing the high school tours and the fact that school year is over and I'm just post up in beautiful Orange County California with my wife my hot wife and the triplets daughters that are two years old oh my goodness it is amazing I'm so stoked to do that right now and he put tonight we have an amazing show I'm not giving you any details all I'm saying is it's about the hope in Jesus and the hope from heaven because tonight this story I have some guests that are in town and you know the story is just going to be a story of a Redemption and you know what God can do when you go through storms because see we all go through storms in life you know a lot of people you know sometimes Instagram it's so funny because you can look at Instagram and you look at it and you think everyone's life's all good but the reality it's not all good all the time we go through trials we go through tribulations and we don't understand honestly a lot of the times that we go through these these situations and there's questions like is there a god why would God do this to me how can God put me through this or why do good people go through bad things there's just so many questions that run through your mind when you go through these times and tonight it's it's what Memorial Day weekend I mean people your guys are driving who knows where I mean this is the station this shows across the United States and you it's a big weekend so a lot of people are driving right now but tonight if you have time definitely tune in and just or stay tuned in and hear this story because I believe this story is for everybody it will encourage you no matter where you're at in life and it could prepare you for if it could easily prepare you for a future situation that you're gonna go through because sooner or later times get tough but you know what God is good and he's as all the times he's he's there when there's no storms and he's there when there are storms and that's the beauty of Jesus Christ so welcome to the show Michael and Amanda hey I'm excited and you know what's so interesting is how even connected with you guys I met your brother at a calvary chapel it was a calvary chapel pastors you know he was a con it was a count as a calvary chapel conference yeah on the holy spirit at calvary chapel down answer hmm and I was sitting your brother does worship for a man once it was a band called um Wildwood right yes yeah where's that church it's in Yucaipa it's like a little small town in California like an hour away okay so there yeah so he was there he we were like in the green room eating at lunch and we just started talking and cuz because I have multiples and babies and stuff like that he started telling me about you guys and he's like dude you guys gotta have my you gotta have him on the radio show I was like alright whatever you know and so it's awesome so that's how we got this whole thing connected and you guys also do worship as well right yes so what do you guys call we don't have yet we don't just Michael and Amanda again we're just a little worship duo but yeah he primarily leads worship I'm like a scaredy cat so I get a little bit nervous to do worship all the time but we do do it do you guys have an album or you guys just cruisin he's just getting it going right now yeah I'm recording an album right now she's gonna be honest singing yes but it's primarily should be releasing in the fall yeah so you guys too around and play all of it yes yeah so far so far yes that's a good start because California's big it is okay well let's let's get in the show I mean let's get into the story cuz this thing's gonna be amazing um first of all yeah how'd you guys even me cuz you I know you guys are young you're you're pretty like what 20 22 22 yeah an Lda 25 75 so how'd you get married you know you guys are married yeah so basically again it always starts to my brother and Royce where don't you guys ah yes best friends right yes right he's the best so basically they were best friends they met through leading worship at our church and um I always like thought he was so cute but I was like 12 and he was 15 so it was like kinda weird I guess to him for him yeah for him for me I was like oh like it's not a big deal but um yes I always had a huge crush on him and he just like he was like oh you're my little sister which is like your favorite thing to hear when you have a crush on someone right like being compared to a sibling not fun yeah so that was the case um he was at our house all the time and like I just I kept having more and more crushes on him and like getting deeper into it but he never just he just avoided it but then he moved away for a bit moved to San Clemente and I hadn't seen him for like two years and then I came back and he was like such a stud muffin like how old were you then he was 18 so I was 15 right 14 or 15 I'm team and I like became less of a little girl and like more of a woman right so he was like wow and um yeah so basically I just kind of started like gently flirting over like spider-man and stuff ironically is so weird because we're both nerds so yeah we just started like flirting and then randomly not kidding and not exaggerating after like a couple months of just like jokingly flirting he was like hey Amanda so I'm like God told me you're gonna be my wife No thank you serious hell no [ __ ] I swear to you I know you're 16 so he was new it was wild so he just was like yet so she's like the plan is working yes yes no literally I got suckered in bro I did on him to try to like make him love me I swear that's really quick God spoke to you and just said she's the one yes yes and like I've known her for so long and like she said when I came back I matured more yeah and I was I've always been in that mindset of wanting just to be married yeah so it's funny because her brother was encouraging it the whole time we're back so we're making music together yeah well you want you want I mean you want to know the dude that's gonna marry your sister there's so many creeps and dirtbag oh yeah so he was like go for it I was a sketchy guy before I was okay so uh so guys showed and this is that's also it's such a cool thing too because gods always in the details you know like he's gonna bring that person for you in his timing and he's gonna let you know he has your number so you don't to go out date the world or you know date everyone or trying to find the right one God will bring her in his timing exactly when we stopped looking it just happened so when someone was the point when you decided to you know propose her because she's 16 you're 18 yeah the way yeah legal so it was legal he still asked my dad though we still got engaged when I was 17 I was close date yes I proposed in October yeah of 2013 and it was literally well how many months is that three months of an engagement and then it was like five days after she turned 18 we got me on the market and then we went right off the market great though and like not a second goes by we're so regret getting married that younger I'm with you guys 100% that is epic when God shows you I tell people God already showed you yeah what are you like what are you waiting for disobey because they just I don't know I'm like what do you wait you know what are you waiting for I'm sure guy wouldn't have showed you if it's not for everybody but yeah I'm not saying go get married everyone don't do it unless you know for sure it's from good end yeah yeah so that that's like how we met and got married so crazy okay so you're 18 you get married and then what was going cuz you I know that you were kind of started going through some like health yeah so in March only a couple of months after we had gotten married we had like a couple months of like our honeymoon phase of like going on dates and adventures and traveling and having fun and then I just started getting super sick um and like I would go to the doctors literally I just was having like um like weird stomach issues and like really bad chronic pain that came out of nowhere and it started like really debilitating me I couldn't walk anymore I started getting really bad muscle atrophy that was like permanent so I still won't be able to get back a lot of muscle that I had once upon a time um so I'll always be like pretty weak unless like God decides to like change that which would be wonderful but um yeah so I just was having like a lot of pain and stuff and like just weird stomach issues and um I just yeah it was just weird and we didn't know what was going on they thought that it could have been like Crohn's disease so I was like the number one thing it was Crohn's disease because I had all the symptoms of Crohn's and I was going to the doctor's weekly and nothing was happening everything was coming back normal and like I wasn't having really any strange um like what the call they just weren't finding anything weird so um it was just super crazy and then you have the pain but that can't be exactly what we were going to doctor after doctor there's a different diagnosis almost every time you know so so they randomly decided to send me to a general surgeon without knowing what was wrong um so a super random but I was so young and naive I didn't I didn't know to like think like oh that's a general surgeon doing a colorectal surgery like maybe that's not good and like maybe I should be seeing a gastroenterologist I didn't know any of that because I was so young yes so I just went to the surgeon didn't ask any questions I got my first surgery that was brutal um and then I still was having issues got a second surgery a couple months later and then I woke up from that one and knew something was wrong instantly like I was the exact same surgery so it should have been the same kind of pain um but I just was like something is really wrong I don't know what's going on but like this is horrible and I couldn't tell what it was um so it took two years to find out that I had nerve damage sorry again was going through from the surgery yeah so it caused them before getting to that point even in that it was like that was like our first big trial and our marriage right because both of us were super young we haven't experienced any kind of hardship yeah you know you you say those vows for better for worse and it was like boom yeah you already had the worst part yeah and they so like after that second surgery it felt like it was just way worse and there's times like where she would just be weeping in pain just screaming and I hadn't I mean I've had to call the ambulance and I mean too many times for that and there's like these moments of I did not know what to do chronic just chronic 24/7 pain and there's sometimes they do get worse I remember just holding her and all I knew it to do in that moment was just worship I had no answer I mean I just would sit there and I held her and I would just we were just worship and sing together until the pain would subside a little bit and the presence of God would just come into the room and just kind of be there and the pain would leave for a little bit and that was this like kind of God was preparing us even right there like worship me when you're have you starting to feel this pain so heavy yeah man okay so so okay what's going on at this point you're it's not getting better you're at your second surgery yeah so after that it still was the same mold that she was same chronically but now I had this new thing that was worse and more painful that I didn't know what it was and you're still going to the doctor especially every day like literally every other day I'm not exaggerating every other day I was a pain pills aren't working no not even like slightly so it was just like nothing was helping they tried me on like a plethora of different things and finally I ended up hearing from a couple of friends that had like Crohn's disease and colitis because that's what they thought that I had possibly they're like oh we went to this hospital in LA called Cedars Sinai and they they're like specialists and all of that in in gastroenterology and all of that junk so like that's where we get treated you should totally go there they can like change your life so we waited a couple of months and before I ended up going there I ended up finding out that I was which was like crazy was so exciting because I've always wanted to be a mom like my mom my mom can tell you when I was little I would like carry baby dolls all around and I would push them in strollers and like all I ever wanted was to be a mom it was like I always felt like I was like my destiny so yeah but your case you're pregnant so you're having this like amazing moment so and it's all has to do with your stomach yeah sure pretty sound summer - so what's going on in your head at this point you're like so it was just like I I was just like it was such a conflicting thing because I was ecstatic beyond belief but then I had such a fear that something would go wrong because of it and then I was like if something does go wrong it's on me because it's my body and I'm carrying them because that's what that's what you think even though it's not the truth it's what do you think so um I just was getting sicker and sicker so at the end of my pregnancy I was 96 pounds and I'm five five so I was very very ill um that's like that's pretty low for weight at like being pregnant all right but while you're going through this pregnancy you're on bed rest yes better mistakes like so people because they people think that bed rest is sitting on the couch just like chillin TV yeah no I would have been what is bread restless so for me it was like I literally I couldn't even go to the restroom which are bedroom I would sleep on the couch most of the time in the living room which is like maybe four feet away from the bathroom laying flat right yes so it was really close to the bathroom and stuff and I couldn't even do that myself the helper I couldn't bathe myself at all cuz I was so weak my mom and him would have to carry me and like bathe me because I couldn't even lift my arms on my own um it was gnarly my mom and him were like champions they literally did everything for me because I couldn't do anything my mom would have to like shave my legs for me and stuff too so um I was literally just flat on the couch consistently in agony praying my butt off I just I would read books I would read the Bible I just would try to do anything to like concentrate on any Elson I just tried to stay hopeful and honestly my sons were the only things that really kept me hopeful like my pregnancy was the thing that I was like I can get through this like I have two beautiful boys on the way and like even if um sorry even if I'm not okay at least like I'll have them and like if I can't chase them around the house who gives a crud because they're still gonna be here um and like I said sorry go no no keep going I want to ask you about as a boy when you were going to the doctor's when you even they were watching the pregnancy when they tell us about that experience when the as how they discovered um and then sorry I keep skipping no no so you got plenty of time okay go ahead so when we first found out we were pregnant it was actually just showing a singleton there's one baby so you know we were just super excited and then was it like ten weeks later be going for another ultrasound I was actually having a miscarriage yeah he had me wait a couple of weeks before getting another ultrasound because they wanted it to properly pass if it was a miscarriage and then they would know for sure by the second ultrasound exactly and then so they do another ultrasound and then they'll be GYN says okay there's one heartbeat and then now there's another heartbeat and I literally thought the baby had two hearts yeah I was so confused yeah but they're like know that there's two babies and then it hit us like oh my god it was it was scary there they were identical identical yeah one egg split yeah so we didn't know that at that point yet because it was still like only ten weeks or something um it was pretty early on so they didn't know if they were identical or fraternal yet um they just knew there was too hard yeah they were healthy and we were happy right yeah it was for the price of one yeah this happens like one in a million chance but on that ultrasound their hearts were beating at the exact same time like perfectly in sync no way so beautiful I have videos of it and every so they were like that happens like one in a million like that's so rare for that to happen so cool so yeah so now we got that and now does you want to go to yeah yeah so yeah you said yeah you're hot you're defining out the twins yeah and you're getting down to the place where six months I think yeah so before that um they always said like the boy it was identical boys that's why I was pregnant with they always said that they were like perfectly healthy everything was good everything was moving along well and there is no issues or anything so I was under the impression that everything was like fine and dandy um but also I was getting like really brutal bruises on my stomach and I was like where is that coming from cuz I wasn't falling or anything but um my belly was stretching obviously for pregnancy so I just assumed it was because of that um but yeah I was getting like gnarly bruises all over my belly and my stomach would get really like weird and I just was like that's weird is normal it's my first pregnancy so I didn't have anything to compare it to um and my sister was also pregnant with identical twins at the same time and I was like hey like is this normal did you get this and she was like no I didn't experience any of that so I was always kind of like cautious and worried that something was up because of that but I just tried to put it on all my stomach's just stretching what were they saying when you were going to the doctor's tell him about this it was great so we had no inclination not even the slightest that the pregnancy was you know so now fast forwarding to September when we were telling you about going to that cedars-sinai special oh yeah yeah so this how many months or yes at this point we're about six months okay about 24 weeks so we go in to see the specialist for Amanda to you know just really get down and diagnose what's going on and they do some testing and one of the doctors comes in and says basically you have twin-to-twin transfusion and I don't they if you want to kind of break down okay so I had never heard of it um I had heard stories like of this happening but I didn't know the actual terminology or anything so basically 22 and transfusion syndrome is something that happens if you're pregnant with identical twins it can have it's actually pretty common unfortunately but when you're pregnant with identicals they share the same placenta and with that your placenta is where all the nutrients come from so when you have them sharing the same one sometimes one of the babies gets all of the nutrients and the other one gets like hardly anything and typically one of them can pass away or the other one absorbs for like better visuals basically like a hose is coming down with food and one's taking the whole hose and not giving it 100% the other the other one the hose so so the one that's getting all the nutrients is really big sometimes they get too big because they're getting over like nutrients they're getting too many nutrients and then the other and then the other one is very tiny because they're not getting the nutrients so yeah it's just like that what's happening - yeah and that's actually what the bruises was from oh my belly was because of the syndrome however the bruise is happening because though the one kid I have no idea the thing is we went in there not even for the pregnancy this is all sort of stuff so then this gets thrown at us and we're like true whoa so we start freaking out and then right away they said okay we need to set you up with the surgeon he's the best in the nation and basically they go in there and they laser yeah placenta in half so that the nutrients are subscribed during the baby's equally right yeah dude that's crazy they didn't catch it way before yeah so okay okay so a little secret here the hospital I was getting treated at knew that I did have it they were a hundred percent aware but didn't treat me for it and I was extremely high-risk pregnancy I should have been getting all sorts of treatment a specialist mm-hmm and I put myself on bed rest because of how sick I was that was not doctors about was it doctors not at all I was just Walmart goodness so um they 100% knew about it the hospital I was at that was treating me called - like inquire about it and see if they knew and why they weren't treating it and they had no response they just were like yeah we knew but we didn't think it was that like that big of a deal so they literally knew about it and if they would have done their jobs my sons would most likely be here today it's just wild to think about it's gnarly sorry it's so much information no no it's it's so now I hear they are there Cindy they want to do they want to do the surgery yeah just put it so the kids can get enough food so I apologize if I cry in advance but what ended up happening was I I had an MRI that morning and it was safe like they they covered the babies and everything and everything was okay and during the MRI actually the morning I woke up I was having really bad cramps and like I didn't again it was my first pregnancy I didn't know what labor would feel like or not and so I was having really bad cramping and I in my heart I felt like I knew it was labor but I was like too terrified to actually admit it um so I got the MRI and I started having a really severe panic attack and they had to take me out like there's like an emergency button where they'll pull you out of the MRI and I couldn't finish it because I was like panicking so bad because of it um so this was like 3:00 in the morning and it was October 2nd of 2015 and so I just felt really weird I was in a lot of pain and I was like I'm pretty sure I'm having labor in like contractions I don't know for sure but I think it might be I was like talking with my brother and sister my mom the whole time because I was like I think something is going on so they ended up hooking me up to the monitor um I don't know they're called but like something to monitor the babies their heartbeats in contractions and I was having contractions then it ended up being like every four minutes apart I was having contractions so it was like I was in active labor and they had given me like all of the medications to try to stop it and nothing was happening um you're at six months right now these kids yeah obviously yeah so yeah 24 weeks pregnant actually 23 and like five days I was like under the mark because like 24 weeks is when you're allowed that's like when you're still considered not a baby if that makes sense so after to go to the yeah yeah so 24 weeks is like the heart's beating but it's not a baby exact it's not like literally they called them fetuses the whole time even after they were born and like we would know they're born and we like yelled at that he yelled at them and I was like call them by their names and then they started calling them by their names it says their babies like what is wrong so yeah I was still really early um and while I was hooked up to this thing I was like I was like I felt something happen and I was like I think something is wrong like I feel like I just peed myself what happened um and so they checked me and they saw that I was dilated to a 3 um and so they were like crud you're really in labor we ought to try to stop this they gave me more medication that just make you feel crazy these medications are like wild and within five minutes I went from 3 centimeters to 10 so I was supposed to get a c-section but because it was so intense and so fast I had to just give birth naturally know something what's going on though cuz we when we talked to earlier you were saying that you know the doctors told you something about what was going on with the kids before they kids started coming out was oh yeah so talk about that like yeah yeah so basically now that she's dilated to 10 there's no stopping there they're coming they're on their way and a doctor comes up to me and says you know they're not going to be born breathing and we think it would be better if we just terminate the pregnancy basically abort your children and is there no heartbeat at this time or know there's heartbeats there baby but while they're saying although they're not going to be born breathing like oh it's possible but why it's easy money thing and they're stating abort the kids now we're say terminate it and we're like no where's the parents them and we want to we're going to hold on you know we believe in a big God so so sure enough you know we just said that and here they come and they both were born breathing Luca and Caden pound one pound so with that this is like a total miracle I'm sorry to interrupt but this one is just like crazy to me so most babies when they're born even if they're healthy as can be in are like 12 pounds usually they can't breathe on their own typically when they're fresh out of the womb and they have to have some kind of care and like they you yeah well something to just help them breed they like use this little machine to sucks it out yeah so mostly most babies even when they're super healthy can't always breathe when they're first first born um they breathe it on their own hundred percent with severely premature lungs for seven minutes seven minutes of them just being on their own just lying on a cold table by themselves with no care no treatment why are they doing this and that's the thing is like so the first thing that was the miracle itself you know there tell us well they're not gonna be born breathing and then boom they're born breathing they said they had a three percent chances yeah and then they come to us and say well do you want to do comfort care which that's just like a good way of saying letting them pass skin the skin and not giving them any nutrient or putting him in a NICU nothing just letting them and when they need a lot of medical attention you know so they said that I said well what's that and then they explained it I said absolutely not like get them into the NICU right away so it was just a madhouse I mean we're both weeping our families in there it was like it was like a war site there was crazy thank you it was it was like a war zone it was literally like 20 people all in my doctors are a bunch of morons yeah thank you this all Yannick thank you yeah so right away and so they were doing nothing at first for like seven minutes as she was saying and then when I said no get them in the NICU I'm starting you know I'm getting crazy my mom was screaming at ya I was screaming at them I kept saying like save them Oh Phoebe yeah mama bear and papa bear came out and we just at that moment we were parents like we became parents right there and we had so much I mean I had so much love overwhelming me just seeing them come out I just like these are my boys you know and at that that you know you know as a parent their instinct is just to protect and love and give everything of yourself so at that moment that's what we did and you know it was so hard because my I have my wife that's like practically dying from this disease that she was having and different things going on and then I'm with my boys that are fighting for their lives you know and it was it was amazing I so Luca he was a smaller one and I got to cut his cord and it was just like this most amazing moment for me you know just to have that and bond with that and and right after that they sent him up to the NICU so it's like they had him stable and it was insane because now they're telling us okay well there's you can have minutes you know we don't know how much longer we have with them it won't make it through the night for sure yeah they're not gonna make it through the night for sure so we're just like we don't care like give them the best care that you possibly can yeah even if we have two seconds with them it's worth it all right well we're gonna man this is a heavy heavy heavy stuff we're gonna go to the break right now we'll be back in a couple seconds more live with Ryan race coming on now 180 days five six for 61 73 or post your questions using the hashtag live Ryan riess on his Instagram Twitter or Facebook I think I speak for the entire administration when I say [Music] now back to live with Ryan Ruiz you guys are you up at the hospital they're saying they want to give you guys a c-section you're on all these meds and basically you discover that the doctors are telling you guys that the twin boys aren't gonna come out alive and basically start dilating yeah what let's let's take it from there so what happens there basically they're giving you all these meds and birth is happening yeah so um yeah so I like I said I dilated so quickly and I pushed for how long like an hour or something it felt like a friggin eternity about an hour it felt like forever but um I gave natural birth to both of them on my own and like people are like oh they're so tiny like that's not even hard their heads were huge for you I can vouch yeah but yeah I gave natural birth to them which is something I would never take back like I never take that for granted I'm very very blessed and lucky that I got to do that so so when when the kids come out yeah basically they were they were telling you that they're they're not gonna live yeah so yeah and now they come out and they're they're breathing yeah so now you know what yeah so what's so let's talk about all that yeah so they were they were they were they were crying but they couldn't doctors say they couldn't breathe and they didn't want to even help them at this yeah they said they want to do do you want to comfort care yeah it's basically yes gonna scare until they pass not give them NICU or a nutrients or Nothing so they're just kind of letting them go and would you how did you guys get them in the NICU would you had well I at first because that word sounds good come for Carrie you know then I said what is that and then they explained I said no no no no I want you to do everything possible to help our boys like now so then the NICU I mean it I mean that the birthing room we were in just went chaotic you know there's probably 30 people in this room just go and get you know go as fast as they could after I said that there's like a war zone you know I'm weeping we're just like so distraught at this point but then also having so much joy like our boys are here you know they're taking every second we can so now today they end up moving all you guys to the NICU at the appointment yeah so they move her back to her room cuz she I mean she just gave birth she was like not gonna be in pain so I I made sure she was good and then I went up to the NICU with our boys their names are Luca and Kayden Luca and Caden yeah and so I'm up there and they're just you know they're stable at this point and they have him there and it was amazing you know and I was just an odd wonder you know just looking at my boys and just like oh my gosh I'm a dad you know yeah it was amazing and even from then I was like every minute was a miracle because they were state they're saying to us like they're not gonna be born breathing to where they're now breathing and we're just with them at this point and you know they're moving their hands is amazing it was like there's worshipping God the whole time and is is incredible so now going on we have it's been I would say almost half a day now okay you know like twelve hours and they're still doing pretty good IV on breathing machine yeah they're on breathing machines they're in their NICU they're in the NICU yeah and they're still they're stable so we're you know and like I said before we're just fighting with them the whole time you know and just like it was like we're fighting death bro this whole time this like the spirit of death is coming in and and we just said no we're holding on we're holding on to hope or holding on to go you got the doctors that are saying they're not gonna be breathing let's abort the kids yeah then God does a miracle they come out yeah they're breathing other than that NICU yeah now again the this other doctor comes in sits us down and this is you know after she was okay she finally got to come up and then he says it's I think it's almost been about 24 hours at this point and he's basically saying we pull them off life support so again it's like the third time so we're on so our boys are literally fighting we call them mighty warriors are little mighty warriors because they literally are fighting for their lives and so we're with him and we're like no like we've told you guys this we want the best care possible for them you know we are not letting go we're holding on as our duty as parents we need to do that and protect our children as much as we can and how we see fit so we made those hard decisions and it was convincing at first they were trying to throw out all these things and it was just like we had to hold on they were making it like we were like child abusers by keeping them alive they were like they're in so much pain how can you do that you're making every everything worse and you're only making this decision because you won't be able to live with yourself if you take them off of life support they literally said that's the enemy man we were just fighting it was just though I was like I'm sorry but absolutely not I was like how how much of a person do they have to live and they said three and I said I don't care if they have one percent like you're you're saving them sorry like sorry not sorry obviously exactly in like it they had already made it past what they claimed they would so I was like obviously God showing himself so why am I gonna give up now like I'm not gonna do that it was amazing too because now at this point like as they're stable and we just had so many people come to the hospital I mean family and friends it was just like at one point I was up for like 48 hours straight at this point I just I couldn't sleep I was just running between my wife and sure she's okay and my boys are okay yeah just back in there was like four levels so I had to go elevator each time and I remember just like running through the halls and I was in so much just anxiety and distress I just kept singing you know worship songs and just trying to keep my head on straight and just like just telling myself and reading Scripture and just like getting in this you know this mode of just holding on you know and it was a crazy situation you know ever been in your life you're just shouting out reaching out to God yeah because there's nothing else you can do at this point ya know where does our help come from our help comes from the Lord you know it's like the maker of heaven and earth and it reminds me of you know when Jesus was walking on water and Peter came out walking to him and there was like this huge violent storm and Jesus and Peter came walking on him to water and no sand he started seeing the waves and the wind storm and he got his his eyes off of Jesus and he just started sinking yeah and so awesome I loved about that story is when he was sinking in the middle of the storm he was about to drown just called out to Jesus just said save me you just he was talking to God he was praying he was talking to God and that's exactly what you're doing in this illustration you have a story you have to keep your eyes on yeah his eyes really yeah you have to look into the eyes of love in the eyes of Jesus when you're going through these things because it's so easy just to get sidetrack you know and just fall lose faith I mean I had no faith I'm gonna be completely honest with you like I was trying I was fishing for faith yeah at that moment I felt so much heartache so I remember at this now you know going into this moment when it gets to this moment really have like 20 more minutes though but I remember now it's been about 33 hours and we get this call I'm now with my wife at this point we had friends come visiting us yeah we're in the hospital at this time and we get this call from the NICU saying you need to come up immediately it's not looking good for Luca so I just we had friends there I just I said we need to go I grabbed my wife get her in a wheelchair and we run as fast as we humanly can and we get up there and they said yeah he's gonna go he's losing you know his lung capacity as heart rates going down so do you want to hold them I said absolutely and we're weeping at this time and it's been 33 hours for Luca and he's now in our arms as he's giving his last person to hold him yeah it was the first time we get to hold him and he's still breathing in our arms and you know and I remember sorry sis he gave his last breath and just remember singing out how he loves us just singing he loves us Oh how and just that's all I knew what to do in that moment and I felt this the most insane presence of God to sweep over both of us as we're huddling around our son as he gave his last breath and it was the most insane overwhelming love I can't even describe it at this point it's like we're now holding our son and I felt even just like the father who created his son who is my son Luca who formed him right in his mother's womb and I've had to spell him wrap around us and then just receive him you know and I felt like at that moment man I wanted to be so bitter I wanted to be so ripped off I wanted to hate God with all that I was like Here I am as someone that ministers and does worship and a group in the church my whole life and been faithful and then this happens to me you know and most so many people do this where they want to just hate God and say well why did why weren't you there but he was there that was the thing Ryan like I felt God there at that moment more than I ever have in my whole life and it was insane bro it was it was amazing just to feel that and at that moment it's like I couldn't hate him as much as I felt like I needed to hate him and like how could you do this all I felt was this love and I knew at that moment he was so good he is such a good God you know and it's like it's just crazy and it's had nothing to do with you know that he caused this you know because he didn't he created us you know he created our boys and we're so happy for that like do we want more time with them obviously yeah yeah but it was it was just a holy moment that's all I could explain like I remember just even as I'm singing out that song the whole Nicky there's probably 20 people in there and they're just huddled around us just like just people that are in there just in there just the nurses and we're sitting here worshiping with our son who just passed and they just bow their heads so this is happening so with this with both of them actually with both the boys this is gonna sound crazy I know it's gonna a lie but when he liked we literally felt him go from warm to cold when he went and when he got cold this like overwhelming like sweet aroma filled the entire NICU and him like he just was radiating this sweet like citrusy smell so weird and I was like did you guys like spray him or put something in the incubator like what is that and they asked me the same question like are you wearing a perfume and I was like no what is that it was so overwhelming and powerful my clothes smelled like it I still have their clothes that they were wearing when it happened and their clothes still smell like it same thing happened with Kaden and all I could think of was like the aroma of heaven and like how there's like a sweet aroma and it's just so weird that when they both went to heaven they both had that smell it's so true he's heavy so now here sorry got to put my head back you know what my story's not anything close to this we were in the NICU but I know like I'm having flashbacks of the NICU that whole environment yeah and I could just only imagine chaotic of just this and what happened with you I mean this is just unbelievable and you're at a place and you can't get better at God God's presence showed up you know you have every right to be just angry yeah and yet you're just like what's going on your head now like here you are you're like look what do you what what happens they're messed up man yeah I mean that moment is like it is it didn't make sense like the most painful thing that I believe can happen to you happen to us and it was just like all I felt at that moment was his love and peace and his presence and like it was so like overwhelming that I just had a surrender to it I was like okay and I had like this hope even though it's like we are we still have another son yes you know that's still doing okay and stable so it's like we're now grieving the loss of our of Lucca and it's like now we're just kind of diverted our attention and and gave it to Caden like okay and start praying and I mean it went viral everyone's saying pray prayers for Caden and it's just like going all over every stair in Germany like there's people like from all over the nations that were now like messaging us and saying like we're praying for you like even atheists saying I don't believe in God but I'm praying for you yeah it literally were like fall to our knees in prayer and like atheist or knees praying to God so crazy and like to think like are something this is what I want to do I want to talk about you know how you the last Sun God worked in that situation but then I want you to speak to the listeners what how God got you through this time yeah where you're at now what's going on with you yeah and just to speak hope absolutely um so yeah take me there so with Caden um we ended up this was like the worst we ended up being discharged from the hospital and I literally begged them to keep me there because I just I didn't want to leave Caden I was like I can't go away from him when he's in critical condition when we just lost to Luca that's just not that sucks and I'm still in bad condition so like just keep me here yeah but they ended up discharging me because other people needed the rooms and it's a super busy hospital and that was put on us like we just wanted to go like stay in a luxurious hotel and like just chill and we didn't care about Oh Caden it's it's soft people are very mean so we ended up staying at the closest hotel humanly possible which was like a mile away but in LA that takes like 15 minutes to get anywhere even if it's only a mile so we go to this hotel just like freaking out the whole time just worried we didn't want to leave Caden we kept going to see him and staying with him it's much as humanly possible all throughout the night and then we go to go to bed um it's like 3:00 in the morning and we get a call from the head NICU nurse and we knew instantly um she just was like Caiden's heart for an absolutely no reason is failing and we don't know why everything else is perfect on him his lungs are perfect like everything is good his heart was healthy his brain was healthy no brain damage or anything but for no reason his heart started failing so they were like you should come down to see him in case he goes and so um we like hustled as fast as we code but it took us a while to get there because it was LA and um by the time we had gotten there he was already gone um so we didn't get to be with him sorry so um we didn't get to be with him which like I was a parent that just feels awful to know he passed away on his own and basically they said like the only explanation that they had for him passing away which is like mind-blowing they said the only real explanation is because leuco is not there anymore that is he just like went into shock and like literally passed away of a broken heart because his brother wasn't there because they were so close because of being identical so he was totally healthy he was really small and premature but they they really thought he was gonna live and be okay so it's a crowd of the blue so yeah they just were like the only explanation we have is he like had a heart break yeah sorry no it's crazy cuz at this time like there's like I said there's so many prayers going out and then even that the same doctor that was telling us to you know pull the plug came in and said wow he's looking really good you know and and they were starting to have hope that was weird video proof what I'm saying like he's gonna make it he's gonna be good yeah and it was like the whole knit like this whole experience was so insane to see even like the nurses and the doctors looking at us they're saying they're saying one thing and you guys are like we believe in God yeah we believe in miracles yeah so they're seeing this and we're just like they see us how we're just even how we're dealing with grief and how we're like testimony yeah and they're just like you know how they still they're worshiping their God they're like this makes no sense people are coming from all over and praying for them like they just saw so much love cuz we just loved him so much like all we wanted to do was just sit there and love on I'm like I remember just I mean we would sing over them and they would just be like flailing their arms around so we have I'm gonna give you a heads up we have about seven minutes left okay so I was just gonna say with Kade when he when we had arrived the head nurse she actually saved Jimmy Kimmel's son if you know who Jimmy Kimmel is no I don't okay I was like really oh she actually saved his son cuz he was born prematurely as well okay um and she's the same nurse for us and we still like loved her and talked to her and she's like one of my heroes so she fought her butt off for the boys so she came in with Kaden um after he was gone and she sat with us and wept with us and prayed with us and she worshiped with us which is crazy like that's I think against the law for people in that industry but she literally sat with us in the room and like just was loving us on hugging us and then she like she just always keeps up with us and she she like saved she gave us the time that we got to have with them and like I wouldn't take that work for the world people always ask like if you could change it would you because of how painful it was heck no like I would do that a thousand times over again even just have one second with them like they're my baby boys they're my everything and like they're a part of me and always will be but it's just crazy so I had a question for you man there's just so much to talk sorry no no no this is like this is definitely when the heaviest shows I've ever done I think it is there's so much to talk about I wish I had more time but what would you have to say what would you have to say to anyone that's going through just something crazy I would say that's each one start with whoever first doesn't matter you know there's so much to say but you know Hebrews 6:19 says this hope we have as an anchor of the soul both sure and steadfast which enters the presence behind the veil and that hope is Jesus so that's what separates us from those who have hope and that don't is when you believe in Jesus you have hope because you have heaven and that was something that just like that moment I was telling you about like I felt so much hope because I knew that I knew where they're gonna be you know and I knew that they're in the arms of someone that could love him more than I ever could the father and I'll just encourage people don't lose hope put your hope in Jesus it's it's the anchor it's is it easy all the time absolutely not this is so hard it's been almost three years in every single day I have such a hard time and I have to remind myself you know and I have to just speak hope over myself just like it as David did in the caves you know like soul you know hoping God trusting God but there is hope you know and we serve such a good god and yeah and uh even this verse proverbs 14 27 says to worship God in Wonder and awe opens a fountain of life within you empowering you to escape death's domain and that's in the passions translation and it's so true like one thing that's helped both of us and it saved me is just to worship Him it's it's created this fountain of life in me because something that God even showed me at that time especially being worship leader yeah was or anyone in ministry is like how do you go back to that how do you minister hope when you feel so you know distraught and I remember the Lord veiled to me he said when you worship Michael you're doing exactly what your boys are doing and I even just saw this picture of two boys just worshiping at the feet of Jesus did and and now it just put on a whole new heading so sick man yeah a row and at that moment it was just like okay I can worship you for the rest of my life because that's what my boys are doing and they're doing it way better than I so you also have you have tattoos you both have tattoos with their hands and their feet on your hands however yep on both hands yep the video people are watching the gonna watch this video later on they'll be able to see him so we have a couple no no with my tattoos I have on my hands and my feet so it's like they're always walking with me and always in my hands like I'm holding their hands while I walk through life and they're always with me so basically what I would say to anyone is don't give up and like I know that sounds I want to cry gosh darn it I struggled so much with wanting to give up I literally would just be like God just let me die like so I can just be in heaven with you and with the boys I literally just wanted to give up everyday but he showed me like how real he is and how good he is and he showed I would have dreams about the boys all the time and just like see them so happy running through a park it's always the dream I have it's just something going down slides in heaven just like having a ball and be like no mom you're not done yet like you got to do a little bit more on earth before you can come see us so sorry just don't give up and don't let the enemy creep in and say lies to you that you're not worthy or if you had a loss or something like that you need to know it's not your fault it wasn't your body that caused it hmm I know you can probably blame yourself but it's not your fault um I'm just yeah just don't lose hope don't give up don't believe deception and know that you're loved and you're beautiful and you're powerful and you're important and your life has worth even if you don't always feel like it your life has so much Worth and you're so important and valued and like you're here for a reason so just don't don't give up just keep fighting I know it's hard as heck but there's a light at the end of the tunnel I promise you I promise there is yes that's what I would say yeah well that was well says amazing my both you guys married up yes yes you see you guys are amazing I don't think I've ever cried so much on earth show I'm sorry I know this but God has you guys you guys know we all know that God is amazing soul mates and he's he's in the details and he's gonna continue to work in your life and through you it's been three years since this happened you guys are young and we're gonna pray lord I just pray right now for Amanda and Michael in the name of Jesus I pray that you will Lord that you will give them kids God that you will just give them it whatever kids that you want whatever plans you have for them god I pray that you all bring it to pass God and anything that's going on in Amanda's body I pray that you will just heal her in the name of Jesus Christ with everyone listening right now will agree in the name of Jesus for healing power to go out and that God that you will bring kids in your timing Lord we asked for your will to be done as it is on earth as it is in heaven yes in the name of Jesus Christ thank you guys for being on the show I love you guys for having us this has been live with Ryan race to connect or find out more about Ryan click on Ryan - Reese comm check us out next Saturday at 9:00 p.m. for live with Ryan Reese this has been live with Ryan race to connect or find out more about riots click on Ryan - Reese comm check us out next Saturday at 9:00 p.m. for live with Ryan Reese

Channel: Ryan Ries

Views: 2,017

Rating: 4.7979798 out of 5

Keywords: K-WAVE, The Whosoevers, Ryan Ries, Calvary Chapel Golden Springs, Calvary Chapel, 107.9fm, The Movement, Saints & Sinnners, Kill the Noise, Holy Spirit, God, Children, Bitterness, Hope, Surgery, Death, Peace, Love, Mother, Father, Hospitals, Doctors, Crying, Prayer, Sobbing, Baby, Boys, Twins

Id: b-dWTaK5cf4

Length: 57min 55sec (3475 seconds)

Published: Thu May 31 2018