Alcoholic interview-Brandon

all right Brandon Brandon where you from originally where'd you grow up uh Kansas what part OA it's about 20 minutes south of Kansas City Kansas on the Kansas side not Missouri yeah tell me about your family um so I U you know my mom and dad got married and then uh my mom already had my brother but he's 361 days older than me and um then they had me in May and about you know she's uh you know 20 months younger than me so we're all real close you know in between um but uh when we were 1 two and three something happened I don't I don't ask questions really I tried a few times but uh my mom end up leaving my dad just in the night cuz they argued all the time I guess and uh left left him and uh so he was a struggling single father for a a few few years and she finally I initially remember her coming back into my life around 6 years old and with the new stepdad and all that was crazy to me um so I had to adapt to two new siblings um but I was very loyal to my dad because that's all I knew was my dad so uh you know uh I you know I grew up you know just basically being devoted to my father uh so majority of your childhood was with your dad or with your mom oh my my dad yeah so you when your mom came back at 6 years old she it was it was the uh every other weekend or every two year two weekends yeah and then every other um summer type thing every and then um we'd switch with thanksgivings um everything like that my brother when he was 12 he ended up moving with my uh mom and that kind of broke my dad's heart broke my heart cuz that was my brother and we're Irish twins because we're only 361 days apart um and then even at 16 my sister ended up moving with my mom cuz she didn't like the uh discipline because my dad was older uh 11 years older than my mom um uh and he's an old country boy from Kansas so you know they believe in spankings and and in discipline and you know don't talk back and everything like that and my mom grew up an orphan so she'd never believed in and she's a twin she never believed in um spanking and everything like that so um it was it was rough on on both of us to lose both my siblings um but by that time I I resented my mom until I was 12 years old because I was just so loyal to my dad cuz that's all I knew and it was just then at you know six 15 years old it's just me and him now and then I'd go see my mom if I could you know every other week weekend or every couple weeks and then my brother and sister would come down and visit if they could but at that time we were becoming teenagers so you know we might have stuff to do what was your life like with your dad uh it was you know it was it was rough after it was just me and him um unfortunately um I had to drop out of school at 16 because um some issues happened and he got on the U sex offender list uh unfortunately um so I ended up he couldn't get a job and he hurt his back and he had a steel plate in his arm um when I was about 10 years old so it was already hard for him to get a job even at like a convenience store so when that happened nobody's going to hire you in Kansas you know cuz it there's just not that many opportunities and let alone the experience that he has was mostly construction um so I had to drop out of school at 16 and start paying all the bills you know I was paying an equivalent to Kansas it was $700 a month which is a lot you know um back then so it was it was very stressful at at that point but um you know I tried but I still love my dad I I never regretted anything I never um you know was ashamed of of him I supported him and everything um and never never judged them so at 16 you became the bread winner yeah 16 I I dropped out of school and uh I was making 213 an hour at IHOP plus tips but you know guys don't make as much tips you know as as women um most of the time so I really we were we're staying in a hotel a roach motel that's you know 150 200 square ft um paying $800 a month and it was it was nasty but we did that for a year um until I was able to uh get my GED uh at on the day I turned 17 then we moved over across the street to get a studio apartment which was a little bit bigger but he slept in the kitchen on a cot and I slept in the front room on a futon and uh I just you know it was only 450 a month so we were cutting bills in half um but we didn't have food stamps nothing like that we were waiting on his disability that way he could bring in some income because like I said he he was already disabled he had a heart heart disease um congestive heart failure he already had four heart attacks by that time and he had a open heart double bypass open heart which uh he had nine stance put in which was a hospital record and the he was a hard smoker so the doctor told him you got to stop smoking and what he heard was stop smoking cigarettes but I can switch to Cigars um and his family my his brother and sister you know that helped raise us my aunt was our our daycare provider when we were children cuz she wouldn't charge them when he could work but uh they were no that's that's not what it means it it means stop smoking or you're going to kill yourself cuz you know that's what smoking does so so your father lived how long uh he lived to 59 years old um so um he passed away when I was 25 um uh I I was working uh my sister at at that time when I was um about she had a baby at 16 that passed away at still birth and then she had um my other nephew at 18 and he had to have a heart transplant um when he was 8 months old and and that was stressful too and because my mom had gotten remarried um you know my stepdad didn't want to have you know a brand new baby in in the house cuz he's kind of you know he's he's Stern and he's like you know hey I pay the bills around here I'm not going to support two extra mouths you know uh not to be mean but he's just you know that's just how it is you know at that time you know we were she was only 18 so you know they were only together a few years and um so you know it's like it's not my kids you know you know I'm that's my wife's kids you know but so that was that was difficult you know uh really difficult um so she ended up moving in with me and my dad in a small two-bedroom apartment and I was sleeping on the couch and my dad was sleeping in a tiny room and I let her have the uh bigger room my my room that I did have uh so she could have it with the baby and then she ended up having another one so then we had two and she has anger issues and she's bipolar and my dad has anger issues and they would argue all the time and she got like married but he beat her half to death so that's why and he went to prison and that's why she moved with us um but it was just it was killing my dad stress wise you know um and I was just too busy working to mediate anything cuz I was the bread winner cuz my sister was taking care of the kids during the day my dad at that point was getting disability but it was wasn't that much so that's what we did for you know up until uh uh I was able to get um save up enough money to get a house finally that had three levels and it was going to be perfect my sister or uh and two nephews would be on the bottom of the basement with the bathroom and everything finished me in the middle and we actually had a kitchen a big kitchen and my dad always wanted a big kitchen and then we had an upstairs an attic that was big enough for my dad so it was perfect uh and it was it was only $800 a month we had to switched to Missouri uh which is fine but um 3 days later uh I watched him die on a ventilator um from uh heart issues sorry so after your dad dies then what do you do well I I a break down and I I start drinking really really hard I was already drinking for like a year and a half after I dropped out of church um cuz you know we I never touched a drop until I was 25 but I just started drinking really heavily showing up to work drunk but passing passing off with it because I could was a night auditor at the time for a hotel so I was the only one working so you know I'd have a few shots before I went in or or four or five shots just to get tipsy to go in and I went to the hospital uh a few days afterwards uh my dad died before I went into work that was the first time I've ever been late to work um because I thought I was having a heart attack because I was breaking down so much you know and I figured heart disease runs in the family I I I got it too probably and I was overweight I was 270 lbs um so I was scared and that's the only time I was ever late and I was crying and actually my dad died on my stepdad's birthday which I I called him crying I said I'm sorry you know happy birthday you know um he's like man I understand you know but our whole family got to be around him um but about a month later we told the landlord please let us you know get out of the lease you know of the situation the whole reason we got here was for my dad to have be not stressed out cuz he was waiting on a heart transplant himself um and he he had stopped smoking but they said he had to stopped smoking for 6 months but when they went in to do a surgery to test his heart um they intubated him uh and before he died he said you know please forgive me for everything and I was like Dad you know cuz it was just me and him for a long time and we were you know and he told all three of his kids you know please forgive me and I'm dad you know it's okay um but they the landlord ended up a few months later ended up letting us get out of the lease and we moved to our our mom's house in Missouri uh and then uh I I got a call from uh you know Delta Airlines that I got approved for a flight ATT tenant position that I'd been interviewing for for months and I was ecstatic because that's a dream job of mine cuz at that point I'd already been to uh 18 countries and about 38 States uh because I worked hard and I that's why I had so many jobs because I would quit but I would save up money and I was a gambler too so I would win jackpots and save up money so how many jobs did you have I had 65 jobs by the time I was 18 years old because I I got bored I one I one day at Little Caesar's that's all I lasted and I got fired two days at a a another place cuz I was like this ain't for me you know and I I believe like you know they say you know do what you love and I figured you know I don't have a college degree I I barely got a high school diploma I don't have any experience really because you know I can't build a resume so I have to lie I bought my first car you know by figuring out the numbers of what taxes would be I lied about that I was kind of proud of myself um so I I tricked the bank and the uh dealership into give me my first car that way um because I I am smart you know I am I'm street smart and school smart but I did the math and everything but so you worked as as a flight attendant for long I worked as a flight attendant for two and a half years I worked in the top 5% of many how many hours you work because there's there's you know certain um you know regulations FAA regulations but I was working you know 6 days a week you know sometimes you work 15 16 hours a day and you're only getting paid for four of them because you only get paid from when the doors are closed and push back from the gate when we have a six-h hour layover like in the airport waiting we don't get paid for that so I don't know the rules now because it's been a couple years but I did that for 2 and A2 years and and uh um the day before my interview I watched my dad's brother um who's like 15 years older than him uh die same way intubated in a coma uh he he just went in just for a little thing the doctor said everything's going to be fine nothing ever happens you got small veins but you know I'm I'm one of the best there is and so we're like you know but I for some reason I called him a few days earlier and I said I want to be there and he's like you don't have to be there I want to be there so I got to tell him goodbye so that helped and the next day I went to interview took me 6 hours interview um cuz they hire less than 2% of applicants so uh I got I got it and I was ecstatic because I felt accomplished for once that I finally get to follow my dreams cuz I never traveled as much before and I wanted to do it before but I didn't want to leave my dad on his own cuz I worked wored about my dad you know all the time about him being lonely cuz he he never had a girlfriend or anything my whole life he was and and I mean cuz at one point you got to disclose you know your background of of having that offense and that's just too humiliating for him and you know I understand that um but um so I did that for two and a half years but the after the first year um my uh 5-year-old nephew that had the heart transplant on on January 1st died and I was on the plane and we were boarding and you know it was it was just I broke down in the bathroom for about 15 minutes and I said what can I do and then I uh picked myself up finished boarding finished the flight finished my whole trip and then uh I asked them that's the first time I I ever asked time off I was ever late I was never late but I first time I asked off in my whole life I've never had vacation so I took time off I went and paid for my son's uh nephew's funeral uh and I was sicker than a dog and that's around when Co started so I may have had one of the first cases of Co I don't know but so that didn't help um but I I just started drinking even more cuz on the planes I just would steal the little bottles I'd steal eight to 10 of them a night and I built up such a tolerance that I'd have to drink more and more and if you have a 24-hour layover in Costa Rica and I was making a lot of money most money any body made so I could didn't have to steal but I'm like you know I'm I'm used to being poor of my life up up until that point so I'm like you know you might as well take what's free um but you know I would buy a fifth and drink it in in 5 hours um but when I got fired just I had to move to my mom's and the for the first time I wasn't able to take care of anybody and and it really just CU I was gambling while I was drinking I gambled through over $100,000 a year um and that was ruining my life cuz I was in debt maxed out like three cards slots I I did slots um but I was good at it I did high limit I would do anywhere from you know $12 to $125 a win and when I left uh I was based in Boston and then Detroit when I left Detroit I left with $43,000 uh and in 8 hours uh and that was gone in uh 3 weeks because of all my gambling um but you know I just I I moved with my mom and I just felt humiliated and then all I did because I had a little bit of savings was just drink and my stepdad hated it because I it depended on how I was just I was just sitting there with my mom all day cuz she can't work she she became disabled and uh so I was just enjoying time with my mom so that's one good thing my sister end up getting a place with a friend of hers um and she ended up having a little girl um so um at that point uh I was just drinking all day and by the time my stepdad got home he's drunk again you know telling my mom and and she's like I I know he and they would get in arguments and I'd feel bad about it but then if I'm in a aggressive State I'd get an argument with him and I'm like don't blame my mom for this you know it's not her fault but eventually my sister got got her own place in Kansas and that's when they were in Missouri and my stepdad told my mom he's he's got to go if he's not going to stop drinking and he's not going to get a job cuz I tried to get a job but I showed up drunk like drunk and I got an argument with the manager and uh so you know I I quit I walked out um and I was drinking and driving and luckily I I I never got pulled over forward or never wrecked or nothing so I'm grateful for that and I know I don't condone it but um so my mom's like you know he's he's the bread winner I don't make no money so I mean now my sister's got a place you know and my sister's like okay but if you come here you can't drink I said all right you know okay I I'll get a job or I'll help I'll help watch the kids because a daycare is super expensive for a single mom in Kansas when minimum wage is still 725 and she was only making 11 bucks an hour trying to pay $700 in rent um so I said all right so I started helping out with the kids watching the kids at my sister's house living with her um but then I I uh just kept drinking and if I couldn't afford it I'd go steal it and if I got caught I would just run uh because I didn't have no money I didn't have no job so I would have to borrow money from my mom and then then my stepdad would and my sister would get stop enabling him and then sometimes I'd steal from my sister like you know if she had like her U debit card out or something I'd say I'd go to the store and buy something and cuz I knew she didn't have the checking app cuz she you know didn't keep track of she's bad with money so she won't notice you know like a $5 bottle you know and that'll get me eight shots and she'll see me over there drinking like this you know and she are you drinking again I was like what no and then she was like don't lie to me and so we we got an arguments a lot and it became really toxic uh and and eventually uh I got caught stealing and I got pulled over and and I'd been drinking all day so luckily they didn't get me for drunk driving but they got me for lying to them CU I told them a wrong name cuz I didn't want to go to jail I thought I was going to go to jail and uh I I got my first uh booking so I didn't go to jail but they gave me a ticket I went to the court they said just you know we're not even going to charge you for the theft just we're going to charge you for lying to the police um my sister's like look dude you're ruining your life you're hurting yourself and and at that time I'd already been to the hospital twice for bad withdrawals when I did try to stop because I would stop cold turkey and they and I guess they say and I try to lie to them saying guys I can't stop cold turkey you know the doctor says I'm not supposed to and oh that's that's bull you know they you're lying to us I'm like no I promise Google it but I just go steal more during the day because my sister was working and sometimes um if if she had daycare for my niece my nephew was at school cuz he was five at the time if I had to watch my niece I'm in there stuffing drinks in the car seat not proud of it you know I'm laughing because it's so stupid of how desperate I was but I I became so addicted and and after I called the cops on myself twice and I did get booked in the drunk tank I woke up naked in a suicide vest um that was kind of a like dude if you don't stop drinking then I got to K I'm sorry you got to go and this is around January in Kansas so it's 25° outside and I'm thinking you know I I want to get better I do and they're like no you don't cuz you keep drinking and prove it it's just really hard with addiction um what do you think people don't understand about that situation the the strength of it you know the when you're so desperate that's your only relief uh you know I don't want to be a Pill Popper you know I don't want to go to the doctor and get on a bunch of anxiety and depression medicines CU I was depressed because of my situation because of my nephew and my uncle and my dad all within you know 15 months dying and I've never my grandma died in '97 when I was four years old so that that's the first time my dad was the first funeral went to so I wasn't used to it the loss have you ever been in love well that's a that's a when I was uh 20 years old I met a girl online from church on Facebook and uh we ended up talking and she was from Guatemala and um we Skyped every day for six months and they're like oh she's one of those you know uh ones that are faking their ID and I said no no guys I I'm looking at her you know and so I said well I'm going to buy a ticket I'm going to come down there and I'm going to propose to you and so I uh I at 20 years old I went down to Guatemala my first international flight and uh well my my first flight ever actually my first international flight and I went down there 6 days later I proposed 4 days later I flew back to Kansas uh so I was deep in love and the way I knew I was in love in my head because I had girlfriends but I never thought about cheating on her cuz you know I would and I wouldn't look at other girls and lust after them or anything I'm like no I'm grateful for what I got and I was in church at the time so I had a in a very strong church so P you know very strong beliefs and you're not supposed to have sex before marriage you know women have to wear skirts men have to wear pants you know you can't live together until you're married and so I'm like you know feeling guilty about you know talking to her and and then we were wanting to do stuff and I want to get married because I was getting told that I was going to die soon basically because of the Rapture so I was like I want to hurry up and get married so I wanted to speed this thing up but I had to sit in a room with her mom in front of her and her two brothers and they translated and had to ask permission in front of my fiance cuz she said yes and I thought this is so I was like this is a red flag I should I should have known but long story short you know uh I go she comes with her mom cuz her mom wouldn't let her come by herself even though she was 5 years old to me 25 um to Kansas and then I went back for about 20 days in November and uh I had to break things off just cuz she couldn't become independent so that's about the only time I've ever been in love when I was 20 other than that you know I I really just was started just getting addicted to money and then I started gambling you know and I was like you know hey I like making money I'm just going to make money plus I have to provide for my family so the drinking unraveled at all yeah yeah I mean I mean the drinking was it's it's a depressant you know but for me it was a high and you know it became to the point when I'd get addicted to it if I didn't drink it like now you know I I can't sleep I haven't slept for 4 days you know because I'm trying to get off again and that's why I look so tired I think and uh so what brought you out to LA my sister kick me out well because that last altercation we got in a fight Argent because I was drunk by noon and I lived upstairs and she was like dude you know I come home and you're drunk like like piss drunk already I'm like no I'm not like I'm fine you know I'm just watching TV she was like do you need to get out dude and I'm like where am I going to go it's 25° she I don't care you got to find somewhere and we got in a fight she locked loock the door and I was banging on the door trying to break it down I ended up you know screaming yelling and I ended up punching her window in and I have a scar and uh the cops came and they arrested me and uh the next day they said you're not allowed to go back to your your sister's house and I said okay but the next day when I got out I went straight to my sister's house and I'm like you know because she would always her and my mom would always we'd get into arguments but at the end of the day they they would dude we need to do something about this and so we talked to my stepdad cuz she didn't have no money my mom didn't have no money I didn't have no money my stepdad was the only one with money so we I said cuz I was based here in uh Englewood for a year as a flight attendant so I knew the weather and it's February so I'm like you know what I know that area if you'll just buy me like a plane ticket or a train ticket out to LA I'll pack my bags and I'll just go out there and and wing it so that's what we did because I'd rather be in 60° weather than 20° weather and you're homeless now on skidrow oh yeah yeah homeless and uh I wasn't I I was homeless for two weeks and then I try to shelter for two months but I got kicked out because I I got back on the bender and I would I in the last how much are you drinking now 15 shots a day if I can if I can if I can buy it it's 15 shots a day if I can steal it then it's it's usually about you know seven uh celor and that's but I have such a high tolerance that it doesn't really get me it doesn't get me super drunk it just gets me Tipsy but the 15 shots will get me drunk enough to put me to sleep um but it's a coping mechanism because it's so stressful out here because I've never seen we don't have homeless people in Kansas you know it's so sparse and everything and and yeah the winter suck but you know usually you have some maybe one or two shelters out there I come here and I've I've never seen tents like this I mean the only way place I can compare to is uh Vegas I saw Tent City in Vegas and I thought that was crazy um but I come out here and uh they gave me money to buy a tent so I bought a small little a tent cuz I was like I'm not going to go to a shelter I'm just going to you know get my stuff together and and make some get a job make some money and get a big tent and just make my own little apartment but that hasn't happened no cuz I was like getting tired of the sirens every night and the loud booms and the and the people smoking yelling and arguing at 2 3 4:00 in the morning so it stressing me out so I was like man if I'm going to change maybe I should look into a shelter so I went to a shelter and that only lasted two uh two months cuz I fell off the wagon and they kicked me out and my buddy got kicked out the week before me and so I saw him and I was like hey you know we might as well try to at least be together so it's safer because it's people are you see dead bodies or you see people you hear gunshots it's dangerous here it is so we we lasted 3 months one block away from here and we ended up getting robbed at gunpoint and getting told and they shot it off so we knew it was real and I've never dealt with guns you know I've heard gunshots but I've never dealt with guns but to have one in my face it you know it'll change you uh so we're were like okay you know we'll leave so I ended up going to Santa Monica that night and pulling a fake gun out on a security guard a BB gun and so now I have to go to court here in a few weeks for that and so now I got a warrant warrant out in Kansas because I wasn't able to show up to court and I already missed my court date last week so you know I'm just people all the time talk down to me here because I am a minority and and uh in skid R and just I have no say and I have a mouth on me because I come from Kansas I'm an old school boy too so I'm used to respect and when I don't say nothing to you and you disrespect me from the get-go like hey you can't sit there and I'm like dude I'm just waiting for lunch I'm in line like nah ma get out of here I talk back and people have warned me dude you're going to get killed out here with that mouth and I'm like well yeah you know I just I don't like that disrespect I didn't do nothing to them but you can't have that mentality out here everybody's High everybody's High dancing in the street I like the happy ones but the the aggressive ones that are arguing and fighting all the time and i' I've gotten in a fist fight with a guy that when I was drunk and he was high I don't even know why I can't remember it wasn't even at my tent but so now you know I'm trying to get out of skid road because I'm or get back into a shelter because I really am am trying to get my life together and and get back on track cuz I mean it's killing me I've been Hospital hospitalized four times since since I've been out here because of severe withdrawals um and I already have therosis pancreatitis and fatty liver damage the beginning stages but they they told me you're going to you're not going to live to 35 if you keep on how old do you know 30 you're 30 and and I already have a a fear of death you know and which is ironic so you know I'm like man it's not worth it you know I'm I'm I'm used to being I was poor and then I went on a high and made something of myself and I made more money than anybody else in my family and then that just all came crashing down and now I'm at the worst of anybody in my family and that's just it's so emotionally uh draining you know so now I'm I'm just I'm desperate I I like I said the only money I have is the benefits that I've never had before I get food stamps and I get 220 bucks a month other than and I pushed the cans which I always saw those people and I was like if I get to that point I'm going to go back to Kansas if I can but here I am pushing cans you know making $6 for 6 hours of work um or or trying to Panhandle but because I you know because I'm young I guess they and I'm not dirty you know because I I try to still have a standard for myself they just nobody gives me money is there anything you've learned from all of this that you've been through yeah don't don't don't do drugs don't get addicted to anything just and have a sober mind you know stay grateful for what you have you know love the people around you uh just learn from your mistakes and grow from them don't turn back to them you know cuz it's a repeating cycle of of what I'm doing and if you don't stop you're going to kill yourself and it's not worth it all right well thank you so much for sharing your story yeah thank you for having me I wish you all the luck in the world Brandon thank you

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 203,613

Keywords: soft white underbelly, swu

Id: ArDrURISSU4

Length: 33min 15sec (1995 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 01 2023