After Four Challenging Years, America Is Ready For This President To Hit The Road

[Music] oh hello everybody and welcome to a very special a late show i am your host stephen colbert it's the day before the day we've been waiting for because tonight is the last show we'll do during the presidency of he who shall remain shameless now we could tell immediately four years ago that enduring this administration was going to be a challenge this is what i said in my first monologue after his election what's it four years four years we've got four very interesting years in front of us i might have undersold that just a smidge it has been interesting in the same way that riding in a car going over a cliff is thought-provoking but tomorrow like a miracle he will disappear some of the highlights of his low lights include starting his presidency by decrying american carnage his muslim travel ban very fine people on both sides bonding with putin and helsinki bonding with kim jong-un in singapore bonding with the my pillow guy everywhere else wanted to trade puerto rico for greenland talking about nuking hurricanes or changing their path with a sharpie calling the 26 women who accused him of sexual assault liars wishing an accused sex trafficker well caging asylum-seeking children that he tore from their parents getting impeached for trying to blackmail ukraine to interfere in our election completely shanking a pandemic teargassing peaceful protesters holding a bible dumb undermining faith in our democracy inciting an angry mob to murder his own vice president and ruining ymca [Music] and that's that's we didn't even try hard for that list we was like we only it's only an hour show but the weirdest thing of the last four years might have been it was year one right when he was at the national boy scout jamboree and he told a story about a rich guy he knew who had a yacht and something about something that sounded like a sex party on a boat it really summed up the last four years you didn't exactly know where he was going or what he was talking about but it made you feel dirty and you knew it was not good for children but as painful as the last four really five really five years have been for america i could argue that knowing how bad things could get was in a way worth it and i would be lying just like he does because according to the washington post pinocchio lie tracker since assuming office the president has made 30 534 false or misleading statements in the end pinocchio threw himself into a wood chipper i'm free [Music] in the end the takeaway from this presidency is take him away we here at the late show have been counting down to this day for four long years literally counting now you may have noticed that when we were in the theater there was a number in the back of the dome and that was the number of days till the end of the president's term and we counted it down every night for four long painful years and tonight the number on the dome has counted down to one [Music] i hit the road [Music] hit the road jack come on jack there's a road hit it throughout all the craziness and threats to everything we hold sacred there was one hero who kept our country together and that's you the american people for all of his dangerous assaults on democracy in the end democracy kicked his ass all the way back to florida and in this case i for one will never be sick of winning so you should be proud of yourselves count among your accomplishments this year stopping homegrown american fascism and hitting 10 000 steps just walking between your fridge and your couch you you the american people you held your ground you never warmed up to the guy even when he won he lost the popular vote and according to gallup his average approval rating was 41 4 points lower than any other president he's so unpopular this is how he'll be remembered in the hall of presidents what a schmuck i was what is schmuck [Music] now if it sounds like i'm making a big deal about him leaving it's not nearly as big a deal as he wants to make about it the president wants a big military send-off at andrews air force base with a red carpet and a 21-gun salute this time the guns aren't aimed at mike pence but it's been a challenge getting a big enough crowd to satisfy the president in part because according to the invitation all guests must arrive between 6 a.m and 7 15 a.m a party at 6 a.m awesome for the least popular man on earth sweet hey tell you what you've thrown karaoke machines that only play ice ice baby and i am in now reportedly the white house is so desperate to have people attend this pity party that it invited anthony scaramucci to the event scaramucci what are you doing the mooch is clearly a season one character that's of like the happy days reunion was kicked off by richie's brother that's right richie had an older brother who played basketball was very tall and then disappeared with no explanation i would check potzi's crawl space now the email invite also told guests that they can bring as many as five plus ones to the president's elaborate exit ceremony man that is thirsty oh hey uh uh you guys please come to my improv show i'll get you two for one coupons that's good for five people and they don't have to be people they can be cardboard cutouts or mannequins or dogs or brooms with googly eyes please my parents are coming now after the president leaves they're gonna have to hose out 1600 pennsylvania avenue an undertaking carried out by the 90-person white house resident staff in about five hours come on that's a big house and they only have five hours to clean it that's insane it's going to take at least an hour to pull eric's head out of the banister hell i'm in head jail tell dad to pardon my head so much i have too much saliva for eric it won't stay up i'm not gonna miss him with every day that passes what ella we learned more about the maga militia that attacked the capital but now we're also learning about their arrests so it's time for my hopefully ten thousand part segment seditionist roundup roundup [Music] data seems like the cow's in on it seems like the cow is into it that doesn't seem fair to the cow first up in the lasso of justice is local traitor and woman realizing she should really touch up those roots to look her best in jail jenna ryan when she's not breaking into the capital ryan is a real estate broker from frisco texas ah that explains why the riot smelled like fresh-baked cookies makes it seem homey the feds didn't have to dig too deep to find out who she was because this is what she live streamed during the attack here we go you all know who to hire for your realtor [Applause] jenna ryan your realtor kind of a weird place to promote your business you never heard a confederate general shouting the cell shall rise again against northern aggressors but what shan't rise are my super low prices on hard tack and buckles stonewall's general store we validate horse parking charge ryan continued to scream for ties you guys when you believe this i'm not messing around i will when i come to sell your house this is what i will do what break windows and fill it with white supremacists and you can turn this into an accent wall with just a simple can of pepper spray i brought some color swatches ooh i like eyeball volcano um sinus meltdown now we can't solely blame the president for inciting the stupid stupid woman because apparently she also listens to other sources not just the president you know there's also i follow everything that rudy giuliani says finding out the woman in charge of contracts for your home is taking advice from rudy giuliani is like finding out your dentist is taking advice from rudy giuliani all right let's start with a red wine rinse and what do you say we replace your lower row of teeth with feed corn and cigarette butts elsewhere in the roundup roundup authorities have arrested maryland white supremacist and man who made the wrong choice between mustache and beard based on a tip the suspect was identified in a social media post but it also helped that on january 6th he was out on parole for a totally different crime and wearing a gps ankle monitor that placed him at the riot clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed which is too bad because he could have used that tool to cut off the ankle monitor the feds have also arrested texas guy guy refit who you might remember from being pepper sprayed on the capitol steps but he stood his ground it reminds me of patrick henry's famous words give me liberty or ah not the eyes refit was tracked down by the fbi after footage of him was seen online and it's a good thing the fbi just tracked him down because before his arrest he warned his children if you turn me in you're a traitor and you know what happens to traders traders get shot sometimes sometimes they just get pepper sprayed on the steps of the capitol we've got a great show for you tonight star of our friend jason siegel is here but when we come back meanwhile join us won't you [Music] you

Channel: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Views: 3,850,872

Keywords: The Late Show, Late Show, Stephen Colbert, Steven Colbert, Colbert, celebrity, celeb, celebrities, late night, talk show, comedian, comedy, CBS, joke, jokes, funny, funny video, funny videos, humor, hollywood, famous

Id: FJwD_p5B-gw

Length: 11min 14sec (674 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 20 2021