ADHD vs. The IRS | Emma Willmann | Stand Up Comedy

I wasn't sure what to wear for you guys tonight and I went with this sweater and now I feel like it looks like I broke out of gay jail that's what it my dad called me the other day and he was like you know honey I was thinking about it and if I had to be gay I could do it and I was like Dad I need more context real bad you know and he goes yeah I was thinking about it if I met a nice guy and we had similar interests and enjoyed spending time together I could be gay just no sex and I was like Dad I think that's called a friend you know I think that's what a friend is now I'm scared my dad doesn't know about friendship he's 75 men in his generation weren't really encouraged to share their feelings that's an important part of being a friend someone's just trying to talk to him and he's like I'd love to talk to you Larry but I'm not going to suck your dick thank you though I appreciate that my dad's always been very accepting of me and I think it's because I'm attracted to very feminine women and he's he's a straight guy so it's like he gets it every time I've introduced him to a girlfriend he's been like nice wow okay you know what good job talk to your brother he's dating a troll this is this is good work it just wouldn't be that smooth if I was attracted to something he couldn't understand if I was attracted to like super Butch women just like Dad this is my girlfriend tank or whatever I don't know she's coming in hot what's up Captain tank reporting for Duty how you doing wouldn't be as smooth I've always gotten along well with guys and my best friend from college is a super like Macho athlete Steve and when I hang out with him sometimes I feel like I'm aware of sexism but I'm also in on it I introduced my girlfriend to Steve the other night and when she got up to use the bathroom the first thing he said he leans in he goes dude she's got great tits and I was like Steve come on she is a a person with great tits thank you so much thank you I appreciate that than you my girlfriend's Latina and sometimes I feel like when people clock us as gay and interracial they get too supportive we went out to eat the other night and when we went in we were an hour early but before I could tell the host hey we're early we're just going to hang out he sees us and he gets too pumped up he's like yes love it welcome wow she's like this is a good thing welcome welcome welcome he was so pumped and he's like you know what okay so technically the restaurant is full but you two you don't have to worry about that come on in we'll go find some straight white people we'll [ __ ] kill him okay yeah get in here it'll be good for Tik Tok come on my girlfriend told us me the other day she said that she wants to try going to a sex party and I like the idea of that but I think in practice it wouldn't work out because she's like a beautiful curvy Latino woman so any sex party is going to go great for her I'm a niche taste I can't just get dropped off at any sex party like I'm self-confident but I'm self-aware if we go to just any sex party people are going to think it's my make a wish that's what's going to happen I know it I'm very Niche they have to be bisexual they have to have gone to Sarah Lawrence College those are the rules just your average sex party will walk in there and people will be like what is Sophia vagara doing in here with McColly cen's cousin what are they doing wow I didn't know they did activities like this I'm signing up I love talking about sexuality gender all those things but I never want to make it my whole personality because I know some people that do that and it's hard to track I had brunch the other day with a gay guy friend of mine and he had some friends meeting us and I said hey tell me about them before they get here and he goes right into it he's like okay there's Rob he's a top there's Dave he's a switch there's Kyle and I was like let me stop you right there what do you think we're about to do at this BR that would require this information I got audited recently and I'm so frustrated about it I'm trying to find the silver lining and I think I found it is that it brings people together across the political aisle and I appreciate that like when I tell Democrats I got audited they'll be like that's messed up they shouldn't audit you they should be going after big business and then when I tell Republicans I got audited they'll be like that's messed up they shouldn't audit you they should be staying out of your business and I'm like I agree with both of you also I committed tax fraud okay yep just to keep it 100 I deserved it I love The Human Condition to want to blame people you already don't like but it was me I tried to blame it on my ADD I was like I've got add I didn't know any of you guys have a few of you okay nice and I bet there's more of us they're just not paying attention I know my people in like 2 minutes someone will be like wait was someone talking about add yeah no I got add I got add yeah I was thinking about road salt I got confused I've been having a hard time recently because I can't get my Aderall pills there's a shortage of Aderall it's been going on since October 2022 there's a backup at the factory and that blows my mind because it's the Aderall Factory [Laughter] I just can't process it like I could understand if it was the Xanax Factory but the ader all Factory I feel like the only issue should be over production just a bunch of geeked out employees running around in the front yard like I just can't stop making this [ __ ] I don't know oh just five more pills then I'll go home I just got to focus tonight please please please I didn't know how gendered getting diagnosed with ADD was I had no idea because in little girls traditionally they wouldn't diagnose them no matter how obviously they had add they would just be like wow she's a [ __ ] okay you hate to say it about a seven-year-old but apparently she's a [ __ ] and then little boys they would overdiagnose with ADD which isn't good for them either and then with me they just were like let's split the difference I had this friend and he got diagnosed with ADD purely because at recess he would hump trees I remember them just watching him hump a tree like he has ADD look at that and I was watching him hump the tree like hey he's got something else too right wo let's dig a Little Deeper I've got add I can't concentrate he's sexually attracted to foliate he's also very focused on that tree so let's give him some credit where credit is do it's hard not taking my pills nothing just out here trying to face life not even smoking cigarettes and I miss that so much not the cigarettes technically but I miss the gossiping opportunity that's what I was really addicted to because unhealthy activities make quick friends they'll go away quicker but the Friendship bond is formed faster it's like with cigarettes they're like a social cue that this person is down to be negative you don't even have to like the person you're smoking with in that moment you got a bond I would have smoked a cigarette with Sarah Palin probably two Puffs in I would have been out there like Hillary is a [ __ ] you're right we all know which she a [ __ ] and then the more unhealthy in activity is the quicker the Friendship Bond around it is formed Like Cocaine you'll go into the bathroom with a serial killer you don't know this person you don't want to know this person but there you are forehead to forehead just like we got to start a business okay yeah t-shirts they're going to be big I don't know what it is about Coke but it makes people so entrepreneurial just like the biggest dead beat on planet Earth is suddenly like dude crypto vending machines I've only done cocaine one time one time and I've never been offered Coke I've been to parties where afterwards people be like man everybody was doing coke at that party and I'll be like not me not me no one offered me Coke at all but I know why it's my hair people see my hair and they're like she's done enough [Applause] [Music] cocaine [Music] n

Channel: Don't Tell Comedy

Views: 352,269

Keywords: stand up comedy, best comedy 2023, don't tell comedy, donttellcomedy, dont tell comedy, funny stand up comedy, stand up comedian, tiktok comedy, standup comedy, viral comedy, funny jokes, comedy videos, best stand up comedy, emma willmann, emma willmann stand up, emma willmann stand up full show, emma willmann netflix, emma willmann comedy, matteo lane, lesbian comedy, queer comedy, adhd

Id: Ar50SkG-BEg

Length: 8min 34sec (514 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 13 2023