Therapist Breakup | Jordan Jensen | Stand Up Comedy

remember when johnson johnson was deemed the like slytherin of the vaccines remember that because eight people got blood clots meanwhile every woman on birth control is like yeah it gives me heart palpitations sure but brian says condoms make him cheat so [ __ ] it okay that's an impression of my horse sister that's who that is she is a [ __ ] you don't know her i'll tell you speaking of abortions she called me and she was like jordan i'm pregnant and i was like don't worry about it babe i'll come upstate we'll open a bottle of wine have an abortion party as per usual and she goes i'm keeping it and i dude the first words out of my mouth i was like in a jar or what i was like they don't let you do that there's no way [Laughter] i had a guy come inside me recently that was scary have you guys had this happen no this [ __ ] idiot i'm [ __ ] i'm 31 years old when somebody gets close i'm like a trained house cat i roll over i show my belly i'm like right there that's where that goes came inside me and i was like yo what happened and he goes i don't know i guess he got too excited i was like please don't talk about this like your kid threw up in my honda civic you piece of [ __ ] i'm done with sex though i'm off sex for now i just went through a breakup anybody else no me neither no i'm doing okay i'm all right i put a sweet potato in the oven last night for like eight minutes or so until it was lukewarm and then i took it out and i held on to it until i fell asleep so we're doing good dude i go through so many breakups my life is like organized by like epochs of men it's like biblical at this point it's like matthew 20 13. thou shall not lay with a man who yells let's go when he comes you know what i mean i gotta chill you know what's fun you know how when somebody dumps you all your buddies start coming in with mental diagnosis of the person you know what i mean all my friends like he's a narcissist with aspergers i'm like what does that say about me dude what do you think i'm just hanging outside of special needs courses luring these guys in dangling nintendo switches in front of my [ __ ] [ __ ] you i do go through a lot of breakups i'm difficult to date i was i intimidate men i'm a comedian i used to be a contractor it's a whole thing okay i was raised by a pack of lesbians that's why i'm like this all right i've tried dating women a million times i can't do it i'm too ocd the hottest thing a woman can say like i'm so wet i'm like well clean yourself up animal jesus i do have ocd i bet i tried taking prozac for ocd have you guys tried prozac no you live in california [ __ ] you i live in new york okay we're all on it you can't come on prozac it's impossible all right you get to the top of the roller coaster you got to go back down the way you came it's a nightmare i was on prozac for ocd but i couldn't come so i got off prozac and now i can come but i have to do it like multiples of three or my mother will die you know i'm okay i'm okay i'm in therapy are you guys in therapy you guys do therapy here [Applause] okay i hate it i hate my therapist so much she's 14 years old i want her to die okay i hate her you know why i hate her every time i log onto the zoom therapy thing her hair is always soaking wet it drives me insane she's like how was your weekend i'm like good how was your [ __ ] shower what are we doing she's also way younger than me so i've seen way more [ __ ] than she has i've made her cry way more than she's seen me cry i swear to god there was a point a couple weeks ago where i was describing my childhood and i swear to god she almost said the words you know you need to get help for this seriously yeah it is hard it's hard to date being a female comedian because boys are always worried that we're going to roast your little peens on stage you guys hate that but we do that off stage as well i can draw your dick by looking into her eyes you understand that it's true we love to do it you guys hate it i know you do i'm pretty sure that's how witches got started you know what i mean i think some dude in the 1400s pulled his dick out and was like what do you think and she was like are you [ __ ] serious dude and he was like burner that's why they think they fly around on broomsticks because she was just with their buddies being like it was a skinny i swear to god it was this skinny anyway i'm i think i'm gonna chill on dating for a while my therapist said i should i hate her i hate her so much you know what she said to me this [ __ ] okay she goes okay just imagine she's looking at me she's nine years old right she's got the mascara you know i mean she goes jordan i think you have abandonment trauma and i was like what and she goes and i think you should consider seeing a more experienced therapist i was like you [ __ ] butthead that's the definition of triggering right that's like if a crazy person comes into your office and you go hey i think you have schizophrenia and they go what and you go nothing did you hear something i didn't hear anything she got mad at me the other day because i jumped on the apps right after the breakup do you guys have hinge out here do you hinge sucks i hate hinge it's where all the cowboys go you know what i mean they all have like don't tread on me snake tattoos but then they're like this is my cat malcolm x or whatever the [ __ ] and this guy that i match he was convinced i was a lesbian what happened he saw my truck okay i'll give him that i think that this guy he saw my truck and he goes why do you have a truck and i was like i used to do carpentry for a living and i swear to god he goes like jesus i was like more like jesus if i'm being honest all right so he sees my truck there's tools in my truck i think my bowling ball is in there okay so what happens is all right full disclosure i was on mushrooms for this date okay i'm just gonna be upfront with you guys and he wrote that he was five nine in his bio but he was really five six or under okay and i'm fine with the short king but i was on drugs right so as he was walking up to me i was like is my depth perception off i was like shouldn't he be getting bigger as he approaches me okay so me and this guy we sit down and we're talking i'm on mushrooms he's short as hell and he keeps talking about the venice biennale do you guys know what that is okay me neither my two people all right but i had heard of the whitney biennial that happens in new york and he's like the biennale the b and all it's been i was like dude are you trying to say the word biennial by any chance and he goes that's in english in italian the word is bianale the mushrooms hit me so hard i started flop sweating and i was like have we been speaking italian this whole time i was like i don't know any italian i did [ __ ] that guy though [Laughter] you know what happened with that guy okay all right so me and this guy we get into my truck we go back to his house okay and we're hooking up we're having smashy sex right do you guys know what smashy sex is all right in your 20s sex is all about seamless transition changes right it's like we went from the bed to the carpet to the desk with this dick in me it's like a community play all right in your 30s you don't care about any of that you're just smack you don't care okay you ever watch a boxing match or an mma fight you know that moment in boxing when they're beating the [ __ ] out of each other and then somehow at the same time they both get really tired out and just simultaneously agree to lean on each other for a minute or two you know what i'm talking about it's the cutest thing i've ever seen but that that is 30 and up sex where you're like i'm gonna rip you apart in a minute dog be gonna take my weight brother you gotta hold me up it's because your priorities change right in your 20s you care about like what your tits look like on top and once you're at 30 you're like dude just hit my cervix so hard that i forget my father's dying okay okay so what happens is we're having the smashy sex right and then my knee goes right through his drywall oopsie poopsie it's happened before it'll happen again and i was like very chivalrous i was like don't worry about it buddy i have spackle in my truck [Applause] and then he goes he goes i'm sorry i just feel like i need to check in really quick are you sure are you sure you're not gay and i immediately drop into the deep coach's stance and was like all right listen up little guy okay i was like i just had your dick in my mouth for like 10 minutes right and he was like yeah i was like okay you should take a look around and he was like why is that and i was like because you're the one [ __ ] the handyman okay are you sure you're not gay [ __ ] all right i love you guys so much enjoy the rest of the show [Music]

Channel: Don't Tell Comedy

Views: 508,034

Keywords: stand up comedy, short kings, stand up, jordan jensen, jordan jensen comedy, dont tell comedy, don't tell comedy specials, dont tell stand up, secret sets, comedy specials, comedy, best jokes, female comedians, don't tell comedy, new stand up comedy, dont tell comedy secret sets, best stand up comedy, standup comedy, stand-up comedy, latest stand up comedy, best stand up, best comedy, comedy videos, jordan jensen stand up, jordan jensen podcast

Id: CRA6v2x54B8

Length: 9min 44sec (584 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 27 2022