THE FAMILIAR | Omeleto

i'm gonna tell you a horror story it's the story of my job you may think you have it bad low pay bad hours degrading assignments you may even think you have the boss from hell but you don't have my job because i really do have the boss from hell [Music] my name's sam matheson i'm a vampire's familiar that's just a fancy way of saying i'm an assistant to the prince of darkness over there when it comes down to it i'm the guy who dumps the bodies and shelters him from the daylight all i've got to show for it is an ever-present migraine and a dying conscience if you can believe it i took this job so i could become like him now i just want to feel like a human being again before i became his assistant even before i knew they existed i loved vampires and their whole dark shtick as a kid i watched christopher lee films and molded fake fangs of course i knew they were bad but all i saw was their power and mystery i wanted to be part of that world and lucky me it came knocking do you like these sorts of movies vampire movies it's all i live for do you like this one are you kidding it's a classic except for the inconsistencies inconsistencies uh yeah when orlock bites his victims they just die a vampire's bite always spreads the infection i think the writers of this film got it right the only way to become a vampire is by willingly drinking its blood yeah not according to stoker bram stoker was wrong ram stoker was wrong not about everything just some things oh okay well maybe you can tell me then do all vampires know jiu-jitsu so they can fight buffy and blade you're cynical you may be right i think i may have a job that you'd be interested in familiar what's a familiar i'm sure you'd find my employer very interesting now i usually don't entertain old men's offers in a darkened theater but there was something else to it like being found by a long-lost brother with open arms do you know what the word evisceration means boy i'm getting too old bolivar my time has passed that the boy is young well i can crack your skull like a crab shell his computer alone has all sorts of ways and means of acquiring female companionship horse women of the loosest morals i like [ __ ] i love them the way they dress the texture of their skin the way they smell have you ever smelled the harlot's panties boy really taken in the reek no i can't actually say that i have well i have walked this world for 415 years and i will always be mystified by the sheer rob however no what about samuel what about samuel as of now i am your god your master fail me and your screams will echo through the furthest reaches of hell serve me well and you'll experience things never imagined in your wildest dreams [Laughter] and that was my interview with the vampire serving a blood-sucking fiend isn't as hard as you'd think once you accept your boss's undead it's relatively straightforward he depends on you to do the things he can't even grasp which turns out to be quite a lot the guy can turn into a body of mist but everything from microwaving a burrito to sustaining his finances fell into my lap the knights roll on and then one day you have a revelation you realize being a vampire's familiar is just like any other job the limbs the torsos the heads even the supernatural powers he used they'll become as routine as flipping a burger you experience anything enough times it becomes monotonous and then mundane six months in i discovered the awful truth about vampires look into my eyes wench do you feel my unbridled power oh god yes women were never seduced by a supernatural charm or an attraction to the dark side i'm booked at nine tomorrow how's eleven uh sure buddy wants you to bring a friend it was from me forking out 1200 bucks for services rendered and i know what this looks like but he was a corpse trust me you forget to do this charming task and the place starts smelling like a kfc dumpster and you ever wonder why they look so dapper when they can't cast a reflection take a wild guess who gets to dress in groom though i gotta make it perfect not too much gel do i look like the company if i don't look like the company i'm not leaving here i swear you put too much gel and i'll rip your [ __ ] heart out despite his arrogance and vanity he held no real confidence or self-worth he was kind of pitiful and not in the anne rice sense of the word the man was unbalanced i wanted to meet dracula and i ended up serving danny bonaducy with fangs this is my bed you [ __ ] now look the dirt has to be at least two inches across all the way at all times do you understand that this is unfucking [Music] four years in and this is as good as it got i can't say it was all a letdown sometimes when he was feeling generous he'd spill the beans on info no one else could have oh of course there's a devil what do you think i am you [ __ ] do you think i got this way of being bitten by some uh radioactive bat i am evil personified bad to the bone you know i like you sam i don't know why but uh i like you you're gonna make a great vampire one day i promise that a great vampire and that's what kept me there the promise of becoming like him well maybe not like him but at least earning his power which brings us to thomas holland every once in a while you have to deal with a slayer you know like van helsing or buffy thomas holland thought he was cut from the same cloth according to his myspace page holland was on a crusade to rid the world of all vampires rumor had it that he dusted six of them in seven years in very bad ways you have a problem paying your [ __ ] for services rendered i don't holland believed vampires shouldn't even exist which gave him license to do all sorts of twisted [ __ ] oliver may have been inhuman but this guy this guy was insane what do you want anyway what i want devil for the righteous to hear your screams [Music] jesus and jesus alone god's my hand the latest issue of face squatting femmes came for you [Music] jesus oh oh no no please wait you're familiar right human feminine vampire wannabes go go drink his blood become a vampire after that i offer my loyalty to you my undying loyalty please don't let me die [Music] you're alive just get these [ __ ] things like oh [ __ ] this asshole's dead you killed him sam what you just went way above and beyond your duties he's dead that's okay sam it's all right you know what hey hey you stopped a hunter you know what this means your your name is legend your name will be spoken of within our circle our inner circle yeah yeah but i don't know what it's okay to show my appreciation sam i'm gonna give you a gift you're gonna turn me into yes yes we'll share a harlot together what no oh sam yes her nectar will will bind us together as brothers forever oh god it'll be magnificent news of holland's death spread through the underground pretty fast bolivar was on a personal high things were good and then we got word moreland was coming to honor the champion to congratulate me now as pecking orders go moreland would be the vampire equivalent to the godfather he was the oldest the wisest the most respected i had paid my deuce with another man's life i was ready to become one of them i am here to see the great player it is so nice you're the familiar yeah stay put there he is the man who stopped that crazy maniac what can i say i'm just that good we owe you a debt simon who knows how many he would have killed if not for you well i believe it's all about instincts marlon and forethought please join me won't you good to see you again my friends you must be sam i'm penny the master senior assistant oh kudos to you you must be so proud of bolivar's accomplishment yeah [ __ ] ecstatic how did he take out that slayer all by himself oh he's a goddamn ninja interesting you've been serving your sovereign loan you know i can't even remember anymore that's how much fun it is you i became an apprentice 15 years ago 15. jesus you think they'll ever turn you turn yeah into a vampire you ever want to become one we never become vampires what an assistant can never become a vampire it's one of the rules rules when has there been rules we have very old very strict rules the first being one of us can never become one of them we're blessed with a lifetime of servitude and a seat in the horned one's most elegant courtyard so rejoice sam how many will be favored in hell christ after that the night started blurring into one in his own way bolivar did turn me into a vampire apathetic hollow a murderer i asked myself why i wanted to be one in the first place hey sam check out the cool pants i didn't even know anymore i still envied him he may have been undead this is ridiculous but he got to live what's on the marquee tonight what about bergman vendors you must have a bullet waiting for you at home more like a noose interesting choice i have a better solution than these the general it's buster keaton and this is better than paris texas can natasha kinski hold a railway tie with riding a cow catcher thank you for the benefit of the doubt see now i want to watch it i'm putting it on [Music] hey i got to close this place up in 10 minutes you got any dinner plans uh no good you're buying me a burger i am you are i'm alice i'm sam i know you're in the computer sam here take this for me we should talk now i've had too much to drink tonight i'm resigning no you're not yes i am i i can't do this anymore but my work's getting sloppy i'll be happier you'll be happier i'll find a replacement but i'm done simon you [ __ ] you [ __ ] idiot i own you i own your rotting piece of [ __ ] soul look i'm gonna say this slowly so your tiny brain can process it you get to go when i say you get to go everything you do you do because i will it [ __ ] hold me i've served you faithful for how many years do you think i wouldn't know about her you think i'd let some squall a two-bit [ __ ] get between me my house slave she's done she's dead at my hand your little insurgence is done i'll clean that mess up be sure my jacket's made by nightfall [Music] wake up i said wake the [ __ ] up you son of a [ __ ] you've got a big problem oh what the [ __ ] is wrong with you i got two things to say to you all your assets your money your swiss bank accounts all this [ __ ] that allows you fiscally to survive from century to century gone liquidated poured into brand new bank accounts owned by you me the [ __ ] the idiot the [ __ ] who protected you for five years has effectively sucked you dry your bankrupt [ __ ] say it you [ __ ] say it oh jesus one more time [Applause] this this is the second thing that i have to say to you happy trails [ __ ] [Music] all my life i've been obsessed with vampires i even wanted to be one now now i just want to kill the [ __ ] things [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] so [Music] [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Omeleto

Views: 273,870

Keywords:

Id: 1n8Nz99mYPY

Length: 21min 39sec (1299 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 18 2022