A Psychologist's Thoughts on Love and Marriage-Sadia Khan

Are there women who marry men knowing full well that they're going to divorce them and take half their money that's why they're marrying them yeah that's why that's entirely why they marrying them and how you know these are the signs that she's marrying you for money usually all right Sadia Sadia Khan you you are a psychologist you specialize in what Psychotherapy and a therapy for relationships trauma and relationships which we all yeah which we all can't escape unfortunately yeah covers everyone's life so I had this conversation recently with someone it see it seems promiscuity has has advanced ever since the sexual revolution first there was sex before marriage and then people were having sex purely for enjoyment and then having um one night stands and now only fans and you know the divorce rate is rising which probably reflects that are we building a better Society or are we just disintegrating I think if we ever are going to answer that question the proof is in the stats um in cultures where promiscuity is at its highest we can't hide the fact that divorce rates are then at the highest uh mental health concerns are there at the highest STDs are at the highest and the measure of any success of any kind of trend is the impact it has on children whatever Trend a society is facing whether it's um you know promiscuity whether it's cohabitation whether it's sex work if we just measure the impact it has on the most vulnerable people in that society that would indicate whether it's good or bad for us and if we look at the rise of priscu the number one kind of sufferers of this tend to be the children of such behaviors and therefore I I would find it difficult to see how sexual Freedom can really be healthy if the people suffering are children because they are then left with broken homes not knowing who their father is who their mother is they're left with a a plethora of mental health concerns so any any kind of trend that has a negative impact on children cannot be a positive impact on society yeah it seems to be yeah is it is it worldwide you think or is it just it is worldwide and I would blame a lot of that due to the globalization of social media I think that you can be in the middle of Afghanistan in the middle of Ukraine or in the middle of um LA but your children are what consuming the same content and the sexualization of TV shows is really interesting what I found really interesting is over the years and I can only account for my own kind of experiences I would see people like Britney Spears or Miley Cyrus they come very cookie cuts are very clean so they appeal to a very young audience and then overnight they become hyper promiscuous and hypersexualized so the young audience is now kind of catapulted into the sexual Revolution with the idols that they were admiring they have no choice but to catch up to their sexual sexuality and as a result it's like we're kind of propelling children into sexualization which I just don't understand the benefits of it's becoming cool to the kids cool yeah it's hyper cool for them yeah so so technology you know it's made our lives easier in a lot of ways but it seems romantic relationships have become much more difficult yeah than ever before you know there's pornography for men which eliminates the man's need to ever develop courage which takes a lot of courage to approach a beautiful woman sex toys for women you know millions of possible Partners on social media and then one day probably AI sex dolls for people it seems like all of these things are just destroying our our happiness cuz I don't think anyone's happy watching porn all the time M right I I don't know if these women that are entertaining hundreds and thousands of men on social media are really getting anything maybe just money but we're all we're all lonely and and frust frustated I think absolutely are men struggling more or are women struggling more I would say men are struggling a lot more and um the reason I say men are struggling more with the Advent of technology is what pornography does and what social media has done it's placed Beauty on a pedestal so what happens is men are now seeking the most attractive woman to be with that becomes a number one criteria but I always say the number one determinant of how healthy your relationship will be is how attracted a woman is to you as a man if you bypass this very fundamental component you will suffer in the forms of very abusive relationships when you're a man who is dating a woman who's super attracted to you regardless of how you feel about her she's attracted to you she treats you with respect she'll be available she'll be accessible she'll be very easy to kind of get her to comply she'll be all of those things that men are looking for she'll be more agreeable all of those things but what pornography does is allow men to be hyper attached and attracted and social media does this as well to women who have no idea who they even are and have zero attraction to them so they go into the real world in the pursuit of women and they bypass whether she's attracted to them they just want the most attractive woman in the world and the treatment you get from women who are not attracted to you is completely different they treat you as if you are a nuisance they don't show you any desire they don't show you any submission and most of all they don't show you any respect so what's happening now is that we are cre cultivating households and relationships where men are idolizing women who have no respect for them in return because they're placing attractiveness on a pedestal and um this can only lead to unhealthy outcomes because women are the ones that file for divorce and if you are selecting women who are not deeply attracted to you and not deeply invested in you you're just delaying the divorce it's going to happen but you're just delaying it and making sure and she's just making sure she can D you know take the most out of you as she leaves so I think the destruction of society is going to be always in the hands of men and I think they're suffering more from the Advent of social media yeah it seems like pornography has taken away the one thing that makes a man a man which is having courage yeah he never develops that the need for it cuz he can just access any woman he wants online and that's and the courage never comes into the equation and it's a recipe for rape um one of the things that I think that is so bizarre about pornography that nobody really kind of addresses is here's the thing the mindset of a rapist is I want to have sex with a woman who doesn't want to have sex with me it's that simple that's the mindset of a rapist we have taught everybody that rape involves holding a woman down punch she's punching crying kicking and only then is it rap but the fundamental core ingredient is wanting to have a sex with a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you what pornography does is allow you to find a loophole to that desire having sex essentially with women who don't want to have sex with you who don't know you don't see you don't do anything don't want you so it gives you that loophole and you don't even look at whether mutual attraction or affection is there now that is the fundamental ingredient of rape and what porography also does is exaggerate the um sexual violence it uses sexual violence with a woman that doesn't even know you're there and you're watching it and witnessing it there is no way that can't be a recipe for sexual abuse in the real world so I just think it just devoids men of what their true instinct is it which is to find a woman who desires them is now replaced with just finding a woman who will let him masturbate over her I'd like to thank better help for being a sponsor of today's video I think a lot of my viewers are going through things just like we all are whether you're a viewer or not of this channel I think everybody goes through something and whether it's depression or anxiety or you're just going through a tough period of your life talking with a professional can be really helpful you know personally I go through just the stress of talking to so many people that are going through tough times tough tough stories is hard on me and and talking with a therapist is really helpful so I I just started doing that recently it's been really great for me I'm I'm a huge fan of therapy and with better help you can have your therapy session as a phone call or a video session or even messaging if you prefer whatever is most comfortable for you I did mine as as video which is great it's it's just like being in their office but you're doing it from the comfort of your own home and my better help therapist has been wonderful right right from the get-go he he kind of figured out what my what my deal is and was really helpful and what's great about better help is you get paired with a therapist you're matched within 48 hours in most cases if you're just not feeling it with your therapist you can try another one or you can try as many times as you like until you find someone that you're comfortable with and you can do that in no additional charge which is really nice so if you'd like to join the over 4 million people that have taken charge of their mental health by talking with an experienced betterhelp therapist you can actually get 10% off by going to betterhelp.com softwhite underbelly or click on the link in the video description box below thank you for watching and now back to the video yeah it seems like we've all become very distorted yeah and I find it so fascinating particularly when I watch your channel we can all see what trauma leads to prostitution or what trauma leads to sex work it doesn't come out of nowhere it's no one that sits there and just comes out so when we can disassociate and just watch somebody getting that kind of treatment online and not for a second think I wonder why she chose that career I wonder how she got here it is creating a psychopathy in men where they're just not processing feelings or not having that empathy same in women that watch it I I find it super bizarre women that can just sit and watch pornography without even one once reflecting I'm a woman I know that I would feel quite violated if this was happening to me and it was being filmed how did this woman get here even women can turn that off and just enjoy and I just think I don't know if that's a healthy world to create where we can turn off empathy and replace it with desire and pleasure well I think if the woman experienced sexual abuse as a child then maybe opens up her mind to that yes I would hope so but what also it can do is desensitize that it can almost make it feel feel like this is what my experience is somewhat normal if I become hypersexual and I see people being sexualized there's almost comfort in the in the community so it can make them really triggered but it also can make them very desensitized is female attractiveness and and sexuality the ultimate commodity in our society and sadly and women have realized that very quickly what's happened is that women are starting to realize that in order to get a man to invest in you to marry you to be to have that kind of home gone are the days where he's looking for somebody that will just treat you well and be loyal to you they are willing to sacrifice that in order to be with a woman who looks great and knows how to perform sexually so what's happened is the measuring stickma which men use to invest in a woman is how much she pleases him sexually so the good women or the women that are not so sexually averse or not so so attractive are just thinking I don't stand a chance really because even unattractive men can replace women with um pornography but unattractive women don't have a way of replacing men so they they suffer and or they might turn to is surgeries and fillers and all that sort of stuff so being an unattractive woman is a really difficult time to be alive for them I think a lot of people talk about how hard it is for men that can't get women but no one mentions how difficult it is for women who can't get men they do exist there's a there's this kind of rumor online that every woman can have sex if she wants it it's not that easy if you're an unattractive woman men would rather turn to porn than be with you so she has it way harder than an unattractive man because if he really wants to pleasure himself he can do that himself yeah I've heard you say one of the most interesting things I've heard I think ever on this topic is that uh particularly attractive women are almost a different species than your average woman they they go through life with a completely different exper and it's not all negative I'm not saying it in a negative way a lot of it there's a lot of perks to it but the main kind of ramification of being beautiful is you are you're a commodity or you're a threat one or the other you polarize people the people are never neutral to a beautiful woman you can never just see a beautiful woman and she just walks past you and you're neutral you can do that with average women neutral and then she has to earn your either respect or disrespect she has to do something to cause that reaction in you as a beautiful woman you can do absolutely nothing and you can incite intense hatred in either men and women mainly women but even men they might see a really beautiful woman intensely start to criticize her so that they almost kind of skip the rejection part they kind consciously they're rejecting her before she can reject them so they might say things like oh she wears so much makeup this is a or oh I bet that she's had so much is their way of unconsciously kind of diminishing her before she has the chance to do that to them or or they'll be hyper positive about her so there might be men who really put her on a pedestal there might be women who want to be just like her and either or is just not a fair place to be in so the beautiful women either over identify with being beautiful make that their entire personality and go down that career or they get really if they're trying not to make that their career not make that identity they suffer in the form of vacuous relationships and a lot of negativity from uh same sex yeah that that's what I see particular in the comments on my Channel if I post a video of a particularly attractive female yeah or or even a man who's attractive you know not necessar physically but maybe his his personality or his Charisma whatever the comments will be crer than anything you'll ever see that crazy like it the more oh you're going to hit the wall and's see what she looks like in 10 years you know it's going to suck for her and you know just all these terrible comments yeah and which which which happens to everybody yeah but I would I would imagine and I can only go by my own experience but I would imagine if I was severely overweight or considerably older or whatever and saying the exact same thing I might still attract hate because I know I what I talk about is quite controversial but I doubt the hate would be directed to my appearance whereas the way I stand at the moment on social media I'm not trying to be negative there's lots of beautiful comments and lots of very nice things that are said to me but I went into social media with zero kind of expectation that any appearance Talk would be it because that's not what I came here for but it still becomes a focus so um I kind kind of just I'm very numb to it I something I've experienced my whole life and I think I experienced so much negativity with appearance only because I never pursued a career that monetizes appearance I was always a teacher I was always something academic I was always in that realm and in that realm um people can't accept the Two Worlds colliding so I always got a lot of negativity from it which is fine it's okay and and they're right one day you do hit the wall and it will go and then you won't have to worry about it so much it's it's hard for um attractive women also to to make friends yes very much so so many of them that I've that I've met don't if they do have friends they're very they're not competitive yes that's the key a very unattractive female would be friends with a particularly attractive one yeah it has to be um a woman that genuinely is happy in her own circumstance and there is zero competitiveness but if there's even one thing that she sees in your life that she want and that could just be male attention it could be the appreciation you get from other people it could be anything unfortunately the relationship starts to deteriorate from the inside out and it's very difficult because this is the thing where guys always say oh men and women can't be friends but from my personal experience if if we if you're an attractive woman if you don't have any male friends you're going to suffer in the form of very competitive female friends so you're going to be very lonely you're going to have to find friends somewhere um so it is very have you noticed that with women as well that they tend to be very St but this is why I just so I find the whole movement of being a feminist and whole like girl power and girls girl and I'm a girls girl it's so fake it's so so fake like the reality is you why would I why is there girl code girl go when you guys are the first to throw each other under the bus if you're both after the same guy or if you see someone who's more attractive it's it's fake girls only show girl code when or are only like supporting other girls if they don't see them is a threat the moment that girl is a threat in any way shape or form then girl code goes out the window there's never girl supporting girls it goes the gloves are off so that's why I've never bought into this whole like feminism nonsense yeah men don't really do that no they don't do this boy you see a guy at the gym who's who's really changed his body looks really great you you'll be like dude you look [ __ ] awesome yeah and you just congratulate him on on what he's accomplished and if there is a jealousy it turns into a healthy competition or the jealousy is more competitive it's like if they're playing basketball it's like a form of yeah it's inspiration yeah and but it's an evolved trait it's definitely an evolved trait because essentially we have to rely on men for survival back we couldn't Hunt and Gather ourselves and the more women there would be in his world the more unlikely we are to survive and get food and resources for our children so we' naturally see other women as threats and the quickest way to kind of reduce that threat is to either undermine her beauty or undermine her Chastity and suggest she's highly promiscuous so those are usually the two roots women go for when they're trying to attack a woman a lot of Envy out there yeah there's a lot unfortunately MH are all romantic relationships transactional I think here's the thing I unconsciously they have I wouldn't say they're transactional but I don't believe in unconditional love I don't think love should be unconditional outside of your children and your parents is not going to be unconditional I think if somebody treats you badly you're no longer attracted to each other somebody provides no benefit to you and you provide no you've got no connection you're not going to be unconditionally in love with them so I think there are always conditions but some people's conditions are far more transactional than others yeah that's a good way saying it yeah so I would say like for example I might my conditions might be that you have to be loyal to me you have to be faithful and you know we have to trust each other Etc but another person's um condition might be that you have to provide for me you have to provide for my parents and you have to do this and you have to do so just dep everybody has conditions some of those conditions are far more transactional than others and how you know how transactional it is is how attracted the person is if they are genuinely attracted to you it gets less and less transactional as the attraction decreases the transaction increases who who benefits more in marriage man or a woman I think there's no benefit for a man unfortunately in the Western Way of marriage I think it's so sickening that you know we have this agreement that women when they divorce a man they can just leave with a lot of his money or expect alimony for the rest of their life and one of the things I always ask women is are you going to have sex with him after you divorce for the rest of your life and she's like why would I do that I like then why do you expect payment for the rest of your life that it's so strange that they want the perks and the lifestyle of the one that they attained from jumping on the back of their husband after the divorce yet they wouldn't give anything after the divorce they didn't even give a lot of that during the marriage let alone after so I feel like it's a a really it's almost a culture of creating sadistic women by pushing that kind of you get half after the divorce and they seem to say well you know a lot of the excuses oh but I wasted so many years being dedicated to him I wasted but you both wasted it that's a that's a risk you take you he also wasted many years being investing in you and he could have been investing in lots of other people so I just think that this that's why I would be as a man living in the west unless it's for religious reasons I wouldn't recommend you getting married if you're religious absolutely but if you're non-religious and your wife is put or your girlfriend is putting pressure on you ask her why ask her why CU a lot of them see it as a life insurance for after they get divorced they still have a payment plan but this is the extremities this is not the average woman I would say this is more the extremities but unfortunately that is becoming the culture so I'm sure in your practice you see a lot of women that are you know getting into things that that look like a sugar baby type yes absolutely relationship um Are there women who marry men knowing full well that they're going to divorce them and take half their money that's why they're marrying them yeah that's why that's entirely why they're marrying them and how you know these are the signs that she's marrying you for money usually she's from um she's not got her own money she's got nothing to lose from the marriage so she will have no no money of her own or no career of her own or she would have been married to a really rich man before and set up a business from that but there's been a pattern of even know like no money or relying on men for money another thing is she usually comes from a broken home yet she pushes the idea of marriage it's really strange that what I notice a lot with these sugar babies they usually come from a broken home this is no insult it's just you know what I what I or gold diggers or gold diggers yeah they usually come from a very broken home without a father figure and this is why fathers are so important because the path that leads women down is not a healthy one but they come from that background yet they'll say to their boyfriend who they've only been with for 6 months I'm a traditional woman I want to get married I want to have kids and I want to get married so they pushed this idea of marriage when they never saw it growing up they've had sex with plenty of men before marriage they have no idea about how to be a wife or cooking or cleaning or any of those things because they didn't witness that in their home they didn't see Mom and Dad you know have dinner together every day and mom being loyal to a man or anything they didn't see that yet they pushed the idea that they want to be married and they want to have kids they make marriage the focus before prematurely they really really push marriage prematurely so you haven't even known them well enough but they they really push the idea of marriage and they they you can't even mention the word prenup it's a forbidden word if you're in a relationship with a woman and where the word prenup is spoken like it's you're scared of what she's going to say she's planning to divorce you that's it whereas a woman who has no plans to divorce you treats a penup just the way you treat car insurance you have no plan of getting into a car crash but you take out insurance because it's a logical thing to do and you hopefully she would have equal amount to lose but when when a woman has every intention to divorce you the penup is not allowed to be mentioned and she'll say it like you're being so unromantic because you mentioned it but the reality is the person who doesn't want the penup is the person that's planning the divorce person that mentions a penup is just being cautious just like you would with health insurance the person who avoids it is the one that's planning it so they have these kind of signs and symbols but more so than anything they don't have Traditional Values outside of the idea of getting married none of their lifestyle is traditional nothing's ever been traditional in any way shape or form but when it comes to marriage for some reason they're pushing for it um so it's it's obvious to a woman but for men who are particularly when they are hyper attracted to a woman they um lose focus and they can't see straight and they they have no other options in their minds they have no options and and the other thing they just don't know what real love even has tasted like I think if you're going to get involved with a woman like that you have to have like seven options you have to and if one women like that don't go for men like that I'm babies and gold diggers they don't go for men with options oh they want guys that are they want guys that are you know have limited options yeah they don't go for men with options you'll see very few sugar babies that go for men who are at their Peak and there very few will go for men that have high self-esteem very few will go for men that grew up in a really healthy relationship with their mother they usually they they can sniff out men with very low selfesteem and limited options and how you can tell a man's got limited options is your beauty is enough to get him invested there's nothing else to it you don't even have to talk about a lot you don't have to invest a lot and you know I I'm in Dubai where I see this quite regularly and you'll see they'll go out for dinner and she's not even talking to him she's on her phone but he worships her and she knows that it's purely physical and because she knows she can manipulate a man physically she automatically knows this man is probably used to pornography and I'm the best he's ever had and therefore he's not going anywhere it seems like marriage is is not even an option for a lot of people now it that but one thing I'm curious about I'm Muslim so I very much advocate for marriage but I'm it's by the eyes of God but if I wasn't religious I wouldn't understand why people want to get married if you cohabit and have kids anyway yeah everyone's doing that yeah so I but I am curious what what is the reason that women give or men give for getting married if they don't have a religious a lot of it is just the pressure in society to that's what we all did that's what our parents did that's what okay it's just the next step to do it's like it's what you're supposed to do and and when you're when you're madly in love with somebody it just seems like the natural Next Step okay but what if you've already had the children I haven't been in that situation yeah but I'm just but now that I'm divorced it's going to be very interesting to see what my next step would be yeah I'm just curious what is if you've already had the children you already lived together why is marriage the next logical step after after your your video and James seon's video I'm not sure this is not to put people off marriage it's to put people off marrying the wrong person there's a very big difference I'm a big advocate for marriage huge advocate I'm a Muslim woman I'm very much promoting marriage is good for children and so is James yeah yeah so it's literally for children it's essential but the poor selection process is the only thing you can blame for when you're taken to the cleanest afterwards that's it there's no other cause it's not the woman it's not this it's poor selection and unfortunately because of the sexualization of what's going on in social media um selection is getting worse and worse for men so many people are getting by without any type of romantic relationship in their lives but they do suffer yeah they romantic relationships that important in our lives they're the fundamental ingredient for anyone's mental health you cannot get through life without social connections you physically can't do it we are designed to be attached to when you take a new newborn baby as soon as they're born if it doesn't have someone to attach to they essentially would erode they've got no one to protect them now I've met so many men who have not been in relationships for many years because they've got pornography and they're fine but your body craves the touch and oxytocin of a human being it just craves interaction it craves being seen and heard you crave these things because that's how you get feed back into knowing that you are sane and how I can tell somebody is super super lonely is they they they they have very imaginary relationships they'll be intensely invested into somebody they've met on social media that there's no reciprocity or they will ruminate thoughts about a conversation that they had two three months ago and it doesn't come out of their brain so what happens when you don't have human interaction enough the one or two human interactions you do have uh can be can leave your brain reeling over and over and over again because your brain is trying to look for the sources of connection so if you don't give it to your brain it will create imaginary ones and it's almost a form of psychosis sadly what what should we be asking ourselves before we enter into a romantic relationship um how am I using this person and what am I using them for most of us go into relationships with something we're using them for then we can either be using them as a numbing cream to get over an ex partner we could be using them as a way to feel stable because of um you know we've got no finances ourselves we could be using them as an ego boost because I've gotten a bit older as a man I want a young 27y old so I can walk into a room and people can stare at me how am I using this person we're all using this person to some extent now if the answer is healthy it's because I'm using them because they make me feel safe I can help make them feel safe and we can provide something for each other that will create a good connection I'm using them because they make me me feel safe and I hopefully make them feel safe that's my usage that's a good usage yeah if we're using people because they make us feel emotionally safe they make us feel heard they make us feel seen and they make us feel loved if that's your form of using them that's okay that's a healthy form of using but if I'm using them because there's an unmet need here or there's an ex that hurt me in that way or my father didn't do this and you need to now do that my mother caused this traum now you need to do this if we're using them from that perspective you're it's not going to last the glue is too weak I've heard you also say that in marriages we we've replaced Duty with Hedonism yeah sadly I mean the thing is like family members um before you know when we were more collectivist we would have a duty to of care to others we've replaced that with a duty of care to ourselves we've replaced everything to self-love self-care self self we've just replaced everything every almost everything has self in front of it um we have I can't think of the last time we've got a concept or a trend that involves um Duty and it's obligation and responsibility these things are now seen as boring and they're seen as oppressive so what culture has done is turned Duty into a form of Oppression and Hedonism and self selfishness as a form of Liberation and it's indoctrinated all of us and it seems like for a lot of people once the novelty of the romance wears off the routine of of everything just becomes too boring to tolerate when you can no longer feed my ego I have no duty of care to you is what we're getting if you can no longer pay all my bills I have no duty of care to you or if you can no longer make me feel or look good in front of my friends and if you no longer can arouse me sexually the way you're used to I have no duty of care to you anymore so the lack of Duty of care to the people that you've created children with you've created homes I'm not saying everybody's perfect Sometimes some Partners really do push you but I'm just saying saying in general the lack of Duty of care is something that I think it actually starts from the home uh I grew up in London and one thing I just found so bizarre is children would move out from the age of 18 and 17 18 they'd be looking to move out or their parents would try charge them rent and 18 is so young to me and you don't really earn enough to do that but there was no duty of care after that age and then what that does it comes full circle what would happen is the children would no longer care about the parents as a p parents would Age so the duty of care would stop so young um I can only compare it to my own culture I'm not saying my culture is perfect by any means but the duty of care never stops and it then reverses from the children then caring to the adults until they pass but the duty of care just doesn't stop and I think that's what collectivist cultures have kind of tried to maintain but it's again it's dissolving due to Western kind of ideology and individualism yes you know like sacrifice is such an important part of everything we engage in yeah you know to become a successful in your to become successful in your career you need to sacrifice a lot of time and get an education or spend a lot of time and effort into that or to develop AAL healthy body you need to put a lot of work into at the gym but romantic relationships we don't seem to understand that and sacrifice is not really even on the in the discussion it's people will go into a marriage without bearing in mind what the sacrific that it involves at all and the main sacrifice it involves for men and women is Alternatives and unfortunately we live in a time where both men and women are saturated with Alternatives I would say women more so than men because of the Advent of social media and dating apps means that they can just jump online and on that day they get Alternatives but the inability to sacrifice Alternatives and that includes pornography it's not just human beings and the in and it also includes like you know doing any behaviors that would compromise the relationship but the inability to make sacrifices is really the core reason why relationships are falling apart a common question asked by men is what do women want but I think the answer that answer never leads to the man getting the woman that he wants yeah I think the more important question is what kind of man are women attracted to yeah okay that's a great question that's a way better question rather than what do we want because if you ask a woman what she wants she oh I want a man who's nice to me and he's he's nice to my parents kids whatever he's got a good sense of humor but what what women truly want is I would say and this is I I think this is universal and they disagree with me but I really do and I I've said this a couple of times the core thing for women evolutionary wise is somebody they cannot manipulate you could be David Beckham I could be dating David Beckham right who is David Beckham but if I realize in very few conversations that he's a bit of an idiot I can tell him I'm here and he believes me or I can tell him I need I lost my wallet and he gives me money or he I can tell him I'm with my friends and really I've got another man here and he believes me David Beckham becomes somebody I don't respect David Beckham becom somebody I leave on red and won't even reply to his messages so what happens is the in the ability to manipulate a man is something that women are not all women are intending to do this we're not intending to do this a lot of women majority women are not intending to do this but when they meet a man they can do that to you good women filter themselves away from him if a good woman would see that even David re I don't want anything to do with it a bit he's lost his appeal it will make only bad women select you women that are planning to come home late women who are planning to talk to their ex-husband or like booy women who are planning to still you know sell their body online or whatever it is so when you are a man a woman can manipulate automatically she cannot be attracted to you she can't be attracted to you uh it kills attraction and here's why it kills attraction so deeply it kills attraction is because un fundamentally we're still looking for someone to protect us that's how women are designed now if you can't spot how I might be a threat to you and the threats that I'm creating in your life by maybe I'm talking to another man or I'm still selling my body or I'm still doing this if you can't spot those threats how can I trust that you would be able to spot the threats and me and you go out and go into new environments or how can I trust that when another woman tries to manipulate you you're going to stand your ground and see through it I won't be able to relax because you can't protect me how would you how how can I if you if I can manipulate you anyone can so the thing is when people always think oh woman cheated woman cheated but to get there yeah do sorry sorry but to even get to the cheating part it would have been slow and steady manipulation slow and steady lies that you believe excuses that you accept timings that you don't add up you're not connecting the dots so by the time she gets to cheating it's not the cheating that led her to leave you it was the ability to lie to you and you believing it throughout the years that led to the cheating and then she met somebody she can't lie to or doesn't fall for her nonsense and she automatically seen as a man so the cheating and all these things are not the issue it's how much did you get Now by all means I'm not saying you need to be a toxic man and say where are you going what are you doing this that and the other no no no that's not what you need to do that's the opposite of what we want we don't want that we don't want insecure but how you become a man that you cannot manipulate is firstly you're a man that doesn't idolize sex she can't treat you how she wants and then just simply because she sleeps with you that night you forget all about it that's the first thing you don't idolize se but the second thing is you're looking for alignment between her words and her behaviors if you are a man and you can align and you can see that a woman's behaviors and her words are totally aligned she knows she can't manipulate you but if if you're a man that just believes what she tells you and ignores all of her behaviors ignores all of her past ignores all of her traumas just because you hear what you want to hear unfortunately she puts you into the category of the men she can manipulate and therefore you'll only attract women who are planning to manipulate this is why nice guys finish last this is why nice guys finished last and one thing I have to say about nice guys that finish last in all of my experience of working with these guys they're not it's not that they're nice I would I would replace that it's not nice guys finished last it's naive guys fin finish last you can be incredibly nice but if you're not naive there'll be nothing to worry about it's naive men that finish last and here's I think the fundamental ingredient of naive men they don't they they either grew up being hyper attached to their mother or having no father and I think this is a really important trait that I find in naive Men what happened is that they either had no father so they just didn't get his side of the story or when they had a toxic Father which made them over sympathetic to their mother so then what happened is they just grew up thinking mom is right Dad is bad they grew up with that dichotomy and as a result they somehow go into the real world thinking women are innocent and men are bad so if she says to you my ex was so toxic he was a narcissist he's like oh my God I totally believe you poor thing let me help you but whereas if you speak to a man who had an even skew growing up he would know that Mom Mom can be a nightmare sometimes Poor Dad look how she bullies him and dad can be so annoying oh God they're both a bit of a nightmare when you grow up with that even playing field when a woman says to you oh my ex was an narcissist my ex was so abusive my this happened to me what was me you're thinking hang what did you do because you experienced that at home CU I I say this is somebody who's very attached to my mom and dad but when my mom would say to me oh you know your dad did this today I'd be like yeah but Mom what did you do I know come on be honest what did you do because they're both as bad as each other but when somebody hyper attaches to one pair parent they take that kind of blinkers into the real world so I would say nice guys what happened is either they just took one mom side too much or they just didn't question reality they have a really poor relationship with the truth they don't look for truth they just look for what they want to hear so whatever's easier for them they'll take that they don't fact checked anything so I would say naive guys finish last and if you want to be naive and you want to believe that this girl who you know is you know maybe a quarter of your age and genuinely loves you and is only talking to her ex because he's so toxic and she just needs closure feel that guy that believes it just believe you're going to be upset coming forward yep that's good advice certain men have given all men the reputation as being liars and cheaters Yes but in reality I think I've heard you say that women are typically more guilty of than than men I would say women are B by far more guilty of this and I can't believe that we've kind of created this culture where we just believe that men are you know the liars and the cheaters and I find it so fascinating that I'll have clients where the woman is literally cheating on her husband and she'll say men are trash those words would leave her mouth when she's the one that's causing the lying and she's like oh because here's the thing I think here's the key difference between men and women women genuinely believe their lies they believe the lies they tell themselves so when they say but it's not an affair it's just emotional and I'll say oh you had an emotional affair yeah it was just an emotional affair did you ever sleep with him only a couple of times but it was an emotional affair they use that word emotional affair if I could give one piece of advice to men if you've ever heard the word emotional affair she's been having plenty and plenty of plenty of sex plenty and then some they use the word emotional affair to make themselves feel less guilty there's no such thing as an emotional affair look I have many many many M male friends in in my life who I'm very very close to now if we're going to use the term emotional affair that could be seen as an emotional affair because I talk to them every day I love them I care about them they care about me we call each other whatever it is the re key reason it's not an affair is because there's no sexual interest on both if you're saying emotional affair what makes it an affair it would just be a friendship no the fact that they're saying emotional affair is their way of diluting the truth there was physical relationships and here's a bigger problem men believe it the bigger problem is oh no she had an emotional affair I think she started talking to the guy but nothing happened you're a man right you're a man ask yourself this if you're a man talking to a woman that you know is interested in you so much so that she's risking her relationship are you just going to talk to her are you not going to with her so you're just going you're just believeing your woman's version of events but try and think of it from the perspective of the man that she's talking to there is a woman who's married or has a relationship and she's risking it all and sending you pictures or sending you messages and calling you late at night wouldn't you think who she's risking it all let me try my luck how does it stay an emotional affair in your mind now maybe there's times that there are emotional Affairs because you know they live in a different country or this and that happens but there some seems to be a get out of jail card with the word emotional affair because men seem to think if it's just an emotional affair it's okay but it's usually they're telling themselves this lie it's not true emotional affair means physical Affair but you're if look if my husband comes to me and says sa I'm having an emotional affair I'll go shut the [ __ ] up you're sleeping with this girl and I'm going to DNA test everything before because I'm smart enough to know there's no such thing as an emotional affair if I tell a man that for some reason he wants to believe that it was just an emotional affair because it protects his ego I would honestly say wake up interesting what what what do men misunderstand about how women operate they genuinely well some like I said naive they they're naive but here's what the main thing is they think women don't care about attraction this is the fundamental mistake men make they think women don't need to be attracted and don't we do I'm not saying you need to be super handsome but we have to be attracted to you whatever that is some women are attracted to dadbods some women are attracted to short men from women are attracted to any race any color any size but they have to have attraction for her to respect you and have a fear of losing you without this attraction she has no fear of losing you zero attraction is fundamental for women and what happens in this day and age or this kind of culture is back in the day I'm not saying it was as essential I I would imagine in my parents generation particularly in Pakistan where I'm from attraction is not relevant it is not relevant you can be happily married and so on and so forth in this day and age where there are so many channels to meet men that you are attracted to and make you feel more attractive when when you have a man that you're attracted to giving you attention as a woman you feel more desirable compared to a man that you're not attracted to like for example I might be waiting at the bus stop and some and me I can if if it's a a really handsome man comes up to me and ask me for my number I say I'm really sorry I'm taken but thank you so much have a great day now if a crackhead comes and says that I'll say shut the [ __ ] get away from me attraction is the fundamental difference is how I'm treating them so when men I think what they get wrong is they think they can buy attraction they think if I treat her well if I give her this lifestyle if I show her safety if I can do this if I can do this I can do this she will love me deeply unfortunately attraction is similar to Friendship you can't buy it you cannot buy it and you can't bypass it so I think the fundamental mistake men make is I think attraction is something you can compensate and I know I've said before in interviews that you can make up for looks by being funny and Charming I agree but the key I'm still sticking to that what I'm saying is she has to be attracted to you it could be your sense of humor she has to find you physically attractive if she doesn't find you attractive there's nothing you can do if you if she just doesn't do I I need to explain that a bit better because I've said in previous podcast that you can compensate it through money or through um charm what I mean by that is she still has an underlying attraction you can find a really funny man attractive you can find a really Charming Man attractive you might not be physically but you can find him that but if she hasn't if you haven't sparked that attraction in her you you won't get the respect out of her there's so much we don't understand about relationships isn't there and it's so hard for men as well I had a client the other day and I was trying to explain to him he made this mistake where he grew up watching a lot of ROM comps so he would do this thing where he would write letters to girls and poems to girls and he would treat them very well and I just said unfortunate Ely we are not attracted to that because we even though it seems really nice and caring or whatever it is it's still a feminine method of expressing love and we're looking for the masculine method we would rather be with the guy that we say my anniversary is coming up on our anniversary is cominging up Wednesday don't forget than the guy that writes us poems before he goes to bed because one leads into masculinity the other leads into femininity so the things that we complain about oh he didn't remember you know it's coming up next week or he's never written me a birthday card the things that we complain about is actually the things that make men men so it's very hard to decipher us who who has it more difficult in society today men or women just in terms of everything not just you know what I would say and I know this is a a cop out but I say the the people that haveit the hardest are unattractive people I would say it's unattractive people have it absolutely the hardest and the reason why they have it so hard now compared to before is before people would stay with people on this similar level they would just want to be with somebody on the same level if you look at our most people's parents they're relatively matched on attractiveness yeah my granddad and my grandma they make perfect sense my parents make perfect sense their parents made perfect sense whatever it is what's happened now is people don't want to accept their own level you could be a really small man who's really overweight but you still want to watch Latinos having sex on porn or you could be a really unattractive woman but you still want a guy that's a CEO so what's happened is people are not accepting their true level and that becomes a very difficult playground for people who are not objectively attractive talk tell me a little bit about boundaries in romantic relationships um and and they are essential in every relationship not just romantic relationships and they're usually an extension so when we grow up with healthy boundaries with our family members that then translates into healthy boundaries with friends which then leads to a natural progression to healthy boundaries in relationships I think a lot of men don't understand this yeah it's a clear transition yeah so so what healthy boundaries looks like in parenting is um of course you can have strict parents who you know might you know open your post or they might tell you what time to come home no matter but you have an emotion they recognize it and respect it and you do the same for them you have their emotions respected so on and so forth and you respect each other to some extent you allow each other to be themselves and you give each other some fundamental respect and you're not trying to shut each other out of your lives you're just simply teaching your children how to behave and they're teaching you what they want out of parenting what that looks like in friendships is you only attach to friends who align with you who respect you who treat you well what that looks like in relationships is you only do nice things for people who respect you so you only have sex with men that respect you or you only invest financially in women that are loyal to you there is a tradeoff in psychological trade-off you're good to people who are naturally good to you now when that's broken in any way shape or form in childhood where boundaries were not respected they were crossed or you weren't felt love you might have thought that there is no boundaries or there is no you know there is no line you you just earn love then what you looks like in friendships is you don't know who you truly are you just wanten trying to grab onto any relationship you can have and uh keep it and you might have to suppress who you truly are just to fit in and then what that looks like in relationships is you think that the only way to maintain this relationship is to allow this person to do whatever they want and you have this mentality of happy wife happy life or you know just giving in and you think that by completely um suppressing your boundaries will maintain the relationship but human beings are looking for boundaries your wife that tells you I want this that and the other is still looking for the no she's looking for where your boundar starts because we want to know that we're in a safe space somebody without boundaries is dangerous to us so what when when we lack boundaries our relationship is a it's a slow divorce it's going to get divorced at some point you're just delaying it the delay divorce I I always thought it was crazy we're teaching so many things in in school and high school history and trigonometry and geometry but interacting with other human beings is never really taught I I used to be a psych ology teacher for many years and I couldn't believe that this isn't compulsory when I was teaching the children about the effects of a childood in particular and particular the effects of trauma in ch in children and how that affects your development how that affects your education I couldn't believe this is not compulsory why are we not teaching people that if you treat children like this they go on to be difficult teenagers and then they go on to be difficult partners and then they go on to be difficult parents wouldn't we be doing such a service if we just teach people this but this is where the Advent of the internet is great because you can access this information but then you can also access the wrong advice and the wrong advice is usually far more um easy to watch so it can go either or is there is there a lot of misinformation plenty particularly for men there is so much misinformation for men it's um teaching them that you just have to be really rich and successful and every woman will submit to you you attract the worst women when you're really rich and successful or it's teaching them treat mean keep them Keen if you just you know play hard to get and you treat her badly she'll run after you I'm not disagreeing with that but it will only be broken women that attached to that method only a broken woman would really attach to inconsistency so if you're going to play these games treat them mean keep them Keen or you're going to cheat on them and then show them that you're the man and you can be an alpha man with several women you are filtering out healthy women who want a monogamous healthy marriage cuz they can't keep up with that mentality they also have a very uh healthy sense of self and self-esteem they don't allow someone to treat them me to keep them clean so when you me do these kind of tricks you are filtering out healthy women and only inviting self-sabotaging women into your world once you get involved with someone who's who comes from a broken childhood or from uh where they had childhood abuse whatever of whatever sort is there ever any hope of them functioning normally in a relationship you know I don't want to be negative in any way shape or form but what I would say is if there's one broken person in a relationship but there's two one has a broken perhaps circumstances and the other one attaches to people with broken circumstances because they believe that if they show them a different route now this person will forever be in love with me but which rarely works out it rarely works out and if it does work out the person is no longer attracted yeah what the moment look we're attracted to what we our our childhood shapes what we know love to be if you are completely opposite to the alcoholic father that we had or the neglecting mother and you're the exact opposite of that we might appreciate you for a minute but that doesn't feel like love because love felt like this at home so you are just going to either we're going to push you until you become like that aggressive parent or we'll replace you with somebody who feels like home some people like broken Birds yeah that's what they how they designed unfortunately and I I don't mean this negatively because I don't want anyone to just you know oh if they are watching this and they come from a broken home or they come from a broken background think they it's Doom and Gloom but until you acknowledge and resolve this you will literally the trauma is contagious and you traumatize the person that's trying to love you but the problem can be that that's the only type of person that you're sexually attracted to but then you have to ask yourself why why are you attracted to Brokenness either you don't feel worthy of somebody whole and you feel like if I meet somebody with high self-esteem she will realize that I have low self-esteem and therefore we're not compatible or there might have been a Brokenness that you you might have had a parent that was overdependence on you and you had to kind of heal and soothe a very broken mother and you think that that's how you became a good boy and this is what Mak makes creates love when really in the real world it doesn't create love because here's the thing when we are super super broken as a woman or as a man when we are truly broken the person that's trying to love us is somebody we can't understand if I know I've got all these demons and you are giving me love consistency honesty transparency I don't think wow thank you I just think what's wrong with you why would you want to love someone like me there must be something wrong in you so I will literally try and find the flaw in you until you leave lot of people push people away they push people away so if you find yourself attracted to Brokenness you have to ask yourself are you truly what is it about the the Brokenness that you're trying to heal what what are you getting from it and is it are you truly attracted to the Brokenness or are you just making the the fact that they're your physical type the priority and then glossing over the traumas just dealing with all the other dealing with it because that's usually what I find I'll find these helpers um but they usually are they're only this way because they just say this is what one of the lines men will say when I see a broken woman I just want to help her I'm just such a empathetic person I just want to help her and I said do you do that if she's fat and and you'll say yes on the street maybe I might help and I like you do not do that to fat ugly broken women you do it to beautiful women and the moment she's beautiful you don't mind if whatever trauma she has you want to be save the day Dave but is that was truly your character you would it would transcend appearance so truly you might be just putting looks on a pedestal as well is it ever a fear of commitment so I think so you're choosing a person who's impossible to really get connected with yeah that's a great question question sorry to interrupt you in the middle of it but that's a great question because sometimes we choose broken or somebody with holes in it because then we can predict the break we can predict when it's going to end somebody perfect would mean that maybe we'll end up together forever and I don't really want that but somebody with lots of holes in them I know at some point it's going to run its course and then I can won't hurt so bad because I can say well I always knew she was like this or I always knew he was like this so it's not that painful so it's it's definitely a fear of commitment as well you see so often women are attracted to bad boys and you see men that are attracted to crazy girls that are particularly attractive are the particularly attractive females kind of working on their attractiveness because they know that's the only tool they've got uh yeah when women are vacuous broken yeah when they're vacuous what they learn is some men don't require you to have anything else so then they use every man that they're with to get a new cosmetic surgery so what they'll do is they'll be with one guy and say can you pay for my my boobs another guy can you pay for my lips can can you pay for my CU they learn very quickly that for a lot of these low self-esteem men that's all they actually care about and so the aging process is something that they constantly fight against but I would say in general toxicity the reason why we're attracted to toxicity is when when something is calm and smooth we don't get preoccupied with it if I know that you know something's in the oven it's on low heat I'm not going to worry about it but when something's boiling on the cooker and it's on really high heat I'm like constantly thinking I'm comly running back to it so what happens in relationships the more inconsistent and the more traumatic the relationship is the more you get into a limerance stage of just focusing on it and being obsessed with it and we mislabel that Obsession as I must be in love with this person I must be madly in love with them I can't stop thinking about them they all I'm wored but ask yourself are you thinking about them out of positive thoughts are usually thinking because you're worried they're going to hurt you in certain ways and usually it's the the latter so I would the relationship is much hotter more exciting when there's danger of getting hurt exactly yeah it's just slightly more danger to it so we get obsessed with it and the person that doesn't Pro provide any danger we kind of forget about so unfortunately we mislabel that Obsession as chemistry because that's what we see in the movies so much what we see in movies and Cinemas and stuff if you're not preoccupied with somebody if you're not thinking about them all the time and if they're not taking over your brain you don't care about them and really that is a signal of Chaos and not somebody you should be attaching to what what is the attraction to bad boys or kind of emotionally unavailable women that are just crazy uh when you're younger I think for the bad boy why it's attractive is here's here's the key with the bad boy it's only flattering if a man loves you and is invested in you if he has Alternatives bad boy tends to have Alternatives it is not flattering and a man that has zero Alternatives has nothing else going on in his life tells you love loves you so I wouldn't say we're attracted to Bad Boys we're probably more attracted to the man that has a life that he enjoys with or without us and because he has that you know whether we call him on the weekend or not it doesn't matter it either be somebody else or he's got other things to go on and do and preoccupy that's the guy we're slightly more attracted to whereas the guy that has nothing else going for him other than his obsession with ours we don't feel flattered by it so we we're quite I would say it's more of a case of we're attracted to men that have um a life that's worth living with or without us whereas a man that is just dedicates everything to us and men think that they're being really nice and really devoted it signals um lack of utility he's not doing enough is is part of the problem today that we just have so many choices yeah unfortunately our parents generation I know my parents generation that you found somebody that that you were attracted to and you just settled down and that was it they weren't a thousand other choices that were possible and we also had limited understanding of what attractiveness meant or look like it was just like the people in your neighborhood or the people in your area and so now we can see people all over the world and they're somewhat accessible there're somewhat you know you can just like a few pictures of them and it's so it's just so different and also the pornography doesn't help um one of the things I noticed with men who watch plenty of porn is they start to have a particular type but they have nothing in common with and that leads to a breakdown in relationship as well what I mean by this is I'll meet a man who is living I don't know maybe in New Jersey and he really really wants to be with a woman from Thailand and he's obsessed I like Oriental I just want an oriental girl so he'll want to go be with that girl and they have no emotional intimacy they have nothing in common with each other they didn't grow up in a similar World they have no shared norms and values but he has an obsession and I always ask ask what is your porn search and I say oh that's not relevant I've always liked this I was like it's not possible I was like it's not possible because genuinely what's happening is you're um bypassing emotional and intellectual intimacy and making this your criteria the relationship is not going to have enough to sustain it I'm not saying you can't have crosscultural relationships but without emotional and intellectual intimacy they will fall apart and that's why a lot of you know in America there's a lot of this passport browers guys that will go abroad and find they don't last because there's not enough of that um connection and one thing with women they would always look for connection so let's say for example she is from Thailand and she marries this guy from the US and all this stuff she will still keep in touch with the guy that she went to school with who's probably sending nuts on the street she'd still want to be with him because he understands her in a way that no one else can so we look for familiarity but men look to familiarity in terms of what they're sexually attracted to we look for familiarity and what we're emotionally attracted to you I think you and I are in agreement about the how how Terri how destructive pornography is for for especially for men in our society it seems like that that's a can that can't be shut it's it's it's going to be hard to close that yeah hard to get rid of it now I'm definitely not going to change the world with um pornography is something that I when I first started social media um somebody asked me in an interview what would you like to take like achieve from this and I said I would like to wake people up to pornography if I can if I can take away anything from this experience of being on social media is to wake people up to the dangers of pornography and one of the reasons why I when I whenever I speak to a man who's highly manipulated by women and been cheated on several several times by a woman I always ask them do you watch a lot of porn and they say why is that relevant they'll call me and saying I caught her sleeping with her ex and this that other like for example I had a client who is a billionaire right and he um is 43 years old and you know he just got cheated on by a young girl very young girl young beautiful girl and um you know she was living a whole separate life behind his back and the first question I said to him is are you watching pornography and he couldn't understand why I asked him that and he said why are you asking me that and he and I said because if you're 45 years old and this girl is 20 years old and you are sexually compatible that means that she is very promiscuous but because you're so used to pornography you don't see that as a red flag you see it as great I've met a girl that lets me do what I want to her she lets me choke her out she lets me throw cucumbers in her wherever I don't know what they do in p i don't watch it but I he he kept talking about how much they had physical chemistry and I said but didn't you see it as a red flag that if you're 20 years older than a girl and she can keep up with you sexually don't you see that as a red flag that she must have had had a lot of history and she has a promiscuous nature and he said I never thought about it that way and I said because you're watching pornography when you're watching pornography what happens is extreme sexual behavior instead of seeing it as extreme you see it as exciting desirable this is exactly what I'm looking for so you take that lens into the dating scene so when you meet women who are healthy they don't allow extremities they just don't let you or it takes a really long time for them to let you touch them like that or they have to establish a lot of love and connection first but when you meet a hyper promiscuous woman who might have a really extensive sexual past she'll allow you to do that on the first night and when you're not watching pornography you'll think how did this young girl just let me do that to her on the first night how come she so up for three SS and like I've only known her a couple of weeks but when you are watching pornography you're thinking dream girl you're thinking this is my dream girl I'm going to marry this girl I can't believe how great she is so the main main thing what it does is it takes a man's natural disgust that he should have towards priscu I'm not saying this in a misogynous way it's just as a male protective strategy you should have a natural St towards priscu because then you don't know who the father of the child is and evolved in a way that you shouldn't be too attracted it takes their natural disgust and rep with promiscuity and replaces it with intense desire and love so you take what should be a red flag and you replace it with Obsession and that's it's all down to pornography s what would you say is the most important thing people should keep in mind with romantic relationships um pick somebody's whose past like childhood is compatible with yours yeah pick I I'm from a Muslim background my parents are Pakistani and you know in our culture we have arranged marriages I didn't have arranged marriage but we have arranged marriages growing up I thought it so bizarre like where are they getting this idea how does that make any sense blah blah um doing the work I've done I how I know a couple's going to last when I go to their wedding is I can't tell whose family is whose because they're so similar to each other I remember going to a friend of mine's wedding and I was like oh is that Steve's family or is it your family she's like it's my family and I was like oh they you know they're so similar and they're so in sync with each other I didn't know whose was whose now when I go to other weddings where I see one has a completely different set of values to the other though I got a feeling it's not going to last so long and I don't mean like in terms of race or anything I just mean in terms of value system when you could tell two values are so so opposite one is you know really conservative and comes from a really a lot of stability and the other one comes through a lot of chaos and there's a lot going on and it's completely different unfortunately when push comes to shove what keeps us together is our shared norms and values if we don't have them we won't have them excellent Sadia Khan thank you so much no thank you so much fascinating insights into what we all go through thank you relationships thank you so much thank you for having me all right

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 1,149,983

Keywords: soft white underbelly, swu

Id: 6J4rYD7bG74

Length: 67min 29sec (4049 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 27 2024