90 Day Fiancé (Ed & Rose #5) - Therapist Reacts - STD Test

hey deserving listeners it's time to continue our journey with Edie and rose on 90 day fiancé my name is dr. Kirk Honda I am a therapist and a professor and I'm going to react to this storyline let's see what happens and see if anything of interest or of usefulness comes out of my face so there's a test that you can take no yeah it's a it's a test for for I know if you understand it's STD which is I think it's a blood test and they just test to see if you have like sexually transmitted disease so that so I was asking if you're willing to take that test on that as I said before there's nothing wrong in fact there's a ton of health and functionality to have each other tested to make sure that everyone knows what's up and nothing wrong with that there is something not functional when it is one directional and it is the and the the effort is to find out if she has a passed or not which i think is why he's doing that I'm gonna take a guess and say that Ed's concerned there's a number of reasons why he would ask for the STI test one is the practicality which we could understand - is - he thinks it's going to help him with his jealousy which maybe it will but not in the long run right so let's see how she reacts to this one ever ask you another question about your past it was a point I heard I did my heart rock she's very good at knowing her emotions and communicating them which is just fantastic it's just like it hurts my feelings she's not transforming that hurt and anger she's not standing up and walking out she's not attacking him she's just saying I'm disappointed and hurt it's very mature very differentiated her parents must have done very well with her essentially what parents do when I say well is that when you're two three four years old as a parent you notice the child's emotions you and and you respond accordingly there's a lot of different responses one can have that would be accordingly or appropriate responses to an emotion the child is hungry the child is sad that child is hurt that child John is angry the child is happy the child is is jealous the child and you notice that you're attuned you're like I'm attuned to the child's of motion and i appropriately Intuit what they're probably feeling I can read my child pretty well and I respond in a way that helps them to navigate that experience reduce their distress I help them to modify their emotions a little bit of they stepped on a sharp rock and they're like and they're screaming and you go to them and you're and you look at the foot and it didn't break the skin and you and the kid is having a meltdown and you say to the three-year-old you say I know that your foot really hurts and I know that it must have been really really scary to step on something that's so sharp and so painful I know how that feels I'm guessing that's how you're feeling right now is are you is that what you're feeling right now and the child's like yeah it really hurts and it's like yeah and I'm with you and we'll get through this together that being attuned to a kid I'm guessing that Rose has had that experience with their parents because she immediately recognizes her emotions and has no problem just communicating them on that base level on that primary emotion level and not transforming them into anger as a way of trying to protect one self from vulnerability which is great by the way subscribe hit the bell below also become a patron on patreon which is the best way you can show us that you that you like our product if you want us to do more of these kinds of things please become a patron on patreon it really does work that way the more patrons the more videos I can make it is actually absolutely the way things work in my life because I only have so many hours in the day also comment below have you del have you felt the sort of jealousy I'm talking about and as always I just have to say everything that I'm saying about these people is based on what the producers have chosen to show us and what the actors have chosen to show the cameras and so everything I could be saying could be completely wrong about these people because I haven't had a chance to actually access them assess them clinically the only reason why I do these kinds of things is to use this as a almost fictional example so that you the viewers can learn about yourself and you therapists out there can further your understanding of attachment all right let's continue I don't mean to offend you but every time I asked you about your Facebook friends every time I asked you about past relationships you don't want to talk about it so she's really good at communicating I kind of wish she put a little bit more emotion in the expression of you know she's saying that I'm disappointed I'm hurt I wish she would put a little bit more visceral nasai if you will into the emotion so that he could really feel it in his in his soul because I'm guessing though and the language barrier is there I'm wondering because I don't know I guess I just believe that edy has a heart and so it's just kind of mind-boggling as to why he would just glance over that and forge ahead she was very vulnerable very functional to him and he's like yeah I get that anyway the fact that you won't tell me about your facebook past means that I need to have this STD test and it's pretty disappointing also the final disclaimer is people out there this video should not be a replacement for therapy if you need therapy you need to find a therapist and you deserve to have a therapist alright let's continue watching so I'm not comfortable no I'm not I wanted to take the STD test because I want to know for myself that I can trust her and that you know she's not someone that that sleeps around the logic you can have sex with one person one time and she did because she has a child and get an STI so you can also have sex a billion times with a billion people and never get an STI now obviously there is a bit of a correlation there but it's it's not a slam-dunk so that's weird plus you can contract sti's through non sexual contact it's a this is what I was talking about earlier where you have the insecurity at manifests and jealousy and you're and you get laser focused on answers thinking that it's going to alleviate he even said that he said if you get the STD test I'm never gonna ask you about Facebook again I find that to be quite dubious that if she gets an STI test he's never going to be worried and all of his insecurities are gonna go away but that's what jealousy does to us without modeling and without therapy to help us without people helping us understand our emotions the way that Rose understands her emotions then we're kind of lost in the woods as he fully exhibits in this in this interaction so take this simple test and I'll never ask you again okay so get to this great rose now she's saying that her heart cracked which again is exactly what I was talking about he is trying to preserve security by doing what he's doing and it's doing the exact opposite it's causing her to feel so hurt that her heart is breaking and she might be falling out of love with him by the second here and you can kind of see it in her eyes maybe I'm just speculating but what a wonderfully functional stand-up thing to say okay I'll take the test but you two you know isn't that the point here that SDI - it's not it's not about me having an SDI I'm not the dirty person here it's about both of us it's seeing what we have so that we can be responsible as partners take a test both of us I would feel comfortable in the States I'll take a test but not I'm not going to do it here I'm just I wish for more constantly I bear it's mind-boggling that he looks confused right like even if you were jealous and you were doing these kinds of things and you were lost in the woods the logic would make sense right like okay let's both get a test and the fact that he has this confused faces it tells me that his defense is so strong that he's laser focused on particular solutions to his underlying feelings and everything else is being ignored he's really putting all of his eggs in one basket and it's it's horrible because it's breaking her heart and it's pushing her away it's just it's really unfortunate to watch Edie shoot himself in the foot in this way I don't know this maybe we'll end up at getting married but it sure looks like in that moment he may have just lost her I be angry why he treat me like this [Music] why can't you talk about your last relationship always just why you've always a big boss a lot so this is good too now she's expressing anger because it's okay I expressed him to him my disappointment and my hurt now it he's keeping on it so now I have to get angry I have to show him that this is unfair what you're doing why are you doing this so let's see if he can learn from rose in the situation past dope-ass is fast and never come back okay but then that's not fair to me [Music] I can't trust you at this point what you can't trust her again I get it Edie but jiminy crickets it's so disappointing and I I'm not I'd be more upset if I believed Rose didn't have the strength and the differentiation and the attachment security to navigate this I'm quite sure that she's like what is wrong with this guy how do i how do I manage him how do I get him to see what I'm trying to instead of internalizing it so but and it it's just it's I didn't think Edie was this bad I guess it's it's frustrating to watch cuz you know you're the one that's not being honest with me before we talk about me taking any tests if you're not gonna talk about your past then I'm not comforting forward with this relationship so why don't you think about it I need some mirror okay we might be seeing a glimpse into Ed's past relationships I have a hard time believing that this is the first time this has emerged I bet you anything if we talked with his past partners they would say oh yeah he did that to me and you know in but it manifested differently because I lived in San Diego and battle blah so this is this is very concerning I'm quite sure well I would have a strong speculation that if we could get a full history of his relational traumas that there would be a very logical explanation as to why he's doing this but it doesn't justify it but it does provide a conceptualization and a route for him to heal and become aware so that it doesn't do this with her or with whomever else in the future because I don't know this this looks like it's ending right right now [Music] yeah it's just heartbreaking Oh heartbreaking she seems like I don't know she seems like she's got a really good head on her shoulders and in this moment you you people you people so - like reality TV I'm guessing you've seen a lot of reality TV shows and I'm guessing that you've seen when people are in this position when they're hurt when they're accused of something that is unfair there's a lot of different kinds of reactions this is the most mature and differentiated it hurts and you cry and you just sit there and you're just like oh it hurts I'm hurting right now and it's it's such a healthy response we've seen other responses in reality TV screw this you know anger or I don't need this crap I'm gonna go cheat on you know we've seen lots of different behaviors and also in our personal lives so I feel for her I feel so bad for her I want to I want to grab a head and beat and just explain this whole thing to him and say you marched back in there and you apologize you probably just lost her but you owe her a massive apology right now do you understand what you are doing I get that your attachment insecure and I get that you're worried you're gonna lose her okay but do you realize that you your defense against the attachment and security and loss basically just caused her to not love you anymore potentially I wouldn't say that part but because I wouldn't know but I would say there's a possibility anyway it's just it's really hard to watch [Music] but her reaction seems to indicate that she was in this for all the right reasons that she was in this because she actually did care about him and that she did have romantic feelings for him at least that's what I'm reading to be that devastated and that hurt indicates that there was her heart was involved in this at least that's how I'm reading it which on one hand is terrible for her because she's so hurt but on another hand it's heartening to see someone in it for the right reasons I obviously can't know that but it certainly looks that way because I've seen on this show other kinds of interactions like this where someone in her position is hurt and they don't seem to really exhibit the the hurt now not everyone exhibits the hurt in the same way I know that fully well but anyway I hope you know what I'm saying what do you think comment below do you think she really loves him I just asked Rose to take an STD test and it's so frustrating because I don't think she understands why I need to know that because you didn't explain it to her or you did basically say that you think that she's promiscuous and a horrible person and that's why so why do you that I'm not gonna leave you here I want to make sure that you get home safe don't worry about no I am gonna worry about you don't want anything I'm sorry I'm sorry it was I hurt so I'm go home in my own you know is what I mean being a so I bet [Music] I've seen this sort of behavior before - my heart breaks for her but for Edie it's like this dichotomy of treat someone like crap without any remorse and then tell them that you insist on driving them home like pick a lane treat me like crap and then insist that it's like is everything just about your manhood and that that's another question is is ad purely concerned about how he looks is this part of the equation that he wants to be able to walk down Main Street in San Diego with people thinking who he has a young pure wife that probably never had sex with anyone before even though she has a child is that what he's after and then he confronts her in a somewhat you could say sexist manner and then also in a sexist manner it's like well I'm not gonna let you go home without a man protecting you it's like everything's going in the wrong direction and you can really just see her very healthy understandable emotions coming out now Edie on his face it looks like he's turning a corner like he might actually start to realize what the hell he's doing here you're worried right now [Music] I Betty Betty Betty hey it was never my intention to hurt rose in any way but how can we begin our life on a foundation of honesty if she she won't be upfront with me she agreed to take to take the test how is she not being upfront with you she agreed to take the test and then she said you take it too so how what is she hiding from you at this point I just want to know the truth if you're willing to sit down and talk to me about your even your boyfriend what do you want I want to know I want to know I want to know where where princess um dad is and I'm sorry I know I'm not gonna see spend the rest of my life with somebody I can't trust what know who's the father Prince eating my own her life your life it's our own baby the own wife so I never talk to her never never ever so okay I mean I get that he would want to know who the father of his potential stepson is and so why didn't you just ask that question she seems fully willing to answer that question but I'm guessing that's not really what he was laser focused on because he was laser focused on details which he thought would it you know anyway let's see what he manages to do here Oh be Natasha so what I come in addition of Karen I'm Babu Amelia Michael are you away know it being that talking to each other and that was four years ago right talk to me talk to me about what what's happened in the last four years what does it matter okay let's say she says I had sex with a hundred guys and I don't have an STI so what's it to you it's just it's it's it's it's upsetting see there's a possibility that she's turned a corner in terms of her love and she's like screw it okay I'll just Tom I'll just tell him what's up boyfriends it's hurt to me so I I need a nip and don't have any voice anymore with that's just all I wanted with what you just said that's right there that's all you wanted you were interrogating her about Facebook and telling her she needs to get an STI tests and refusing you to I mean so this lends itself to the speculation hypothesis that this is actually more than jealousy for him that it actually is recreating some relationship that he had in his past that is making her feel the way that he felt in a previous relationship which is a very common thing that we do subconsciously just speculation where he had in his past either repetitively or in a very epic manner he was made to feel worthless he was made to feel bad he was made to feel not good enough probably repeatedly and he is just transforming or applying that the dyad that he internalized into a romantic setting right now and he is making her feel he's really working hard to make her feel worthless and and not good enough and dirty and gross as a way of maybe trying to get rid of is identification of himself as being that way and we do this all the time it's actually a very common thing in therapy therapists will have countertransference that will it be sometimes indicative of what is actually happening on the inside of the client as a therapist sometimes I'll feel worthless or I'll feel demoralized or I'll feel anxious or I'll feel something negative in the presence of a client and when I notice it sometimes it's just me feeling that way which is entirely possible but sometimes it's provocation from the client to inject me with that feeling because it's something that they haven't metabolized yet and they're giving it to me to metabolize it's a long story but anyway let's see how she manages from this point forward well hello I don't speak to garlic please say you buy lots of women yes we're getting somewhere buna this is a talking penguin asking for a stocking for what it's worth I'm sorry for what it's worth I'm sorry what are you sorry about I'm guessing he doesn't see what he should be sorry about so I don't know maybe he'll figure it out [Music] [Applause] you're not believed in love okay I feel bad for head he just expressed that fear and that there's probably a lot behind that statement I don't believe in love there's probably a lot of trauma behind that it's interesting because he comes across as a happy-go-lucky guy and that's it probably another defense he might have learned in his early life that he had to always be happy and and not pay any attention to his feelings that would be a speculation about that and right there was a very raw moment that I'm guessing his present often for him but it manifests into happy-go-lucky Nisour controlling jealousy laser-focus getting information behaviors I feel bad for him I do I really hope that he can get the therapy that he deserves so that he can explore those things and heal from whatever it is that is causing him so much pain on the inside and so much worry on the inside he deserves that all right well that does it for that difficult episode of 90 day fiancé it's hard to watch these kinds of episodes honestly I really do believe that these two individuals are in it with their heart and soul and it's really sad to see people getting hurt when there are some what I believe some pretty easy ways for them to navigate this without hurting each other particularly for Edie to navigate this without hurting himself and also hurting rose so everyone out there please take care of yourself take care of others because you deserve it you really really do

Channel: Psychology In Seattle

Views: 861,556

Rating: 4.9287691 out of 5

Keywords: 90 Day Fiance, Before the 90 Days, Ed and Rose, STD fight, psychology, reaction video, therapist reacts

Id: u9sTYUf35Jo

Length: 26min 49sec (1609 seconds)

Published: Fri May 08 2020