Love Is Blind (Netflix) - Therapist Reacts (Ep 1-3)

hey Jazeera listeners people have been asking me to watch the show love is blind and talk about it I don't normally do this but let's watch the show and let's see what we find out can you see anything no there's nothing happening nothing I've had a rigid set of standards I would only date a guy between 1 to 5 years older I would only date athletes because I'm really athletic but I'm 34 years old and I may not find someone based on the criteria that I've put in place for myself I'm ready to start a family and I want to have the most perfect marriage what's your name I'm Jessica Jessica nice to meet you doesn't got a mark nice to meet you mark let's just get right down to it how me about your family both of my parents are immigrants they both came from Mexico and I'm a mama's boy okay okay so right away I have some reactions so in this show they put sounds like 15 heterosexual men 15 heterosexual women or at least bisexual and they are separated they never see each other and then they have these talks in these different pods to see if they're compatible or not and to see if they want to marry this person apparently this show is based on getting married at the end of the season and so there's been some people some of the participants are saying well you know with today it's hard to really get to know people because if we have our phones and distractions and all the tinder apps are all about your face and it's refreshing to actually date and without you know seeing the other person and actually getting to know people and they're framing it like it's never been done before but this has been done for many generations people have had pen pals or other kinds of communication without seeing each other first before falling in love or falling in love at that point and then the finally seeing each other or you just see pictures of people online you communicate over email and over the phone and you fall in love that way and you don't really experience the person in 3d until after you fall in love so it's not like this show is that different from past configurations of people coming together but it is an interesting premise and you know it's a reality TV show there are producers the show is designed to try to keep you watching the participants are the sort of people who want to be on it on a on a reality TV show they could be acting are they really falling in love you know so we'll see what we find out on this show so I'm 24 I'm 34 okay I have never dated anyone younger than me really I think every relationship is different and you kind of have to take things as I come I feel that what are you from I'm from Illinois me too what part you're kidding I'm from two hours west of Chicago go copy I was about to say oh my god she's a huge Bears fan I'm a Bears fan that I die okay so right off the bat it seems like people are genuinely trying to date and trying to find someone that might be compatible with them it's hard to always say with reality TV are they plant they know they all know they're being filmed they all know that if they become notorious on these shows they'll have a wonderful Instagram account revenue stream after the show is over so are they playing it up it's always hard to tell but I wonder how many of these people are genuinely like hey you know I'm single I want to find my soul mate maybe this show will work I've tried all sorts of other things maybe this will work seems like a lot of the contestants or the participants are at least partially in that zone if not entirely so let's skip a I'm gonna watch it I won't bore it because you probably have seen the show and we'll skip forward and then a reaction to what I see I think I'm a combination of the two and when I am around other people I'm totally on but there are times when I'm like I just want to sit at home watch movies and chill and drink wine I couldn't yeah do you cook um I do cook I don't look what would you make if we were on a date mmm I will probably make either salmon or I would make like the hurry chicken right yes there we go yeah what do you do you cook yeah I do cook like a man who can cook yeah that's great yeah so this is interesting to see it's a fuel voyeuristic watching people have that awkward first date experience or speed dating experience but of course they all signed up for this they knew that what they're getting into they signed all the contracts so I don't feel guilty about that but it there's an awkwardness to watching it and it but it's also sweet to see people are trying to make it work they're laughing at each other's jokes they're trying to grease the wheels so to speak and it's nice to see the the bubbling zuv love if you will which no one has ever said before but I just did gosh I really want you to know you won't I know I like you I like you too I like your voice to you thank you so what am I gonna see you again as soon as possible talk to you soon bye Cameron right so I will say that I'm a little worried for these folks because obviously seeing each other in 3d kissing each other rolling around together is a you know fairly significant portion of the falling in love experience or getting to know someone experienced right in the same way that if you only kissed and rolled around and you never talked you would miss a certain percentage of the human being at which you're trying to find out if you're compatible and that you really like them this experiment as they call it provides kind of focused attention on the talking and the laughing and the the questions and the verbal communication chemistry if you will I'm a little worried about them once they do see each other and they start to actually experience each other in 3d if they'll if they'll still like each other for various reasons but you know I suppose that's all part of the tension of the of the show right it's very strong and I feel like I'm a good judge of character so I'm feeling more comfortable I'm feeling ready to just continue with this experiment and just meet more men I will say that it is a bit of a bummer that they don't have queer people it's yet another example of queer exclusion in our society the other thing is there's no Asians as an Asian person it's always a bummer to just see lack of representation I'm not one of those people that thinks there should be quotas but it's it's just another bummer of an example of like were there no Asians who applied because that seems unusual although I did hear that this was shot in Atlanta all the or at least the people who signed up or from Atlanta Atlanta doesn't have as many asian-americans as say Seattle does but you know what you gotta do hi hello hi so what are you some of your biggest turn off turn off oh my although I will say it's nice that there's a lot of african-american folks yeah I hate I hate I hate and from what I understand there's some Latin X people as well being able to hear people breathe so what are you looking for in a woman in shape and beautiful oh that doesn't sound shallow at all if I had to guess I'd say you're african-american this is our first talk and you're already asking me what I look like you're missing the whole point what makes you think I'm african-american it's just your voice who cares what my complexion is I'm a woman that's all you need to worry about that I don't have a penis so these are all the awkward segments half of its glory again these participants signed up knowing what they were getting into I feel bad for them because maybe you know maybe they had several hours of being you know wonderfully represented and then they asked one stupid question and that producers decide to show that who knows but you know interesting actually no I'm white are you I've only dated black men before but honestly I'm the type of person that I am attracted to personality not saying I want to marry Shrek or anything like that but if Shrek had a good personality I mean hi hey okay I don't know you're in here nice snorting God dang it I gotta stop doing that I got told myself was like I wasn't gonna do that to like this second or third date well it was cute so well thank you turning into that I became my own masculine influence in my life goes a big tomboy like I wanted to work on cars I wanted to build things and make things with my hands I wanted to be a badass hello I don't know if they did that for effect you always have to question whether the producers edited it so that they made it look like that guy just ditched that woman in the room alone while she was talking that's not a good look I would say certainly if someone's talking a lot they're not asking a lot of questions that can be not so pleasant on a date but just walking out on someone I mean you could certainly just chime in and say hey you know you have any questions for me you know there's there's ways to make it at least not super terrible but to just ditch someone in a room like that that's it's not a good look and now apparently all the women and all the men get a chance to talk to each other that's interesting wonder I wonder what reality TV show high jinks will ensue who are y'all feeling none of them because is there a wall you don't want to compare their favorite my favorite was Barnett he made me laugh so much he's really sarcastic and her Fernando might go another issue sociologically I want to point out is that they always put the age and the job just just to point out how in our society we define people by their jobs which is a little weird correct me if I'm wrong but when you watch this show and you saw the jobs that they were having it you slotted the people into a particular class or a particular type of person honestly probably three potential guys that I can see myself with for the rest of my life is anyone virgin here it's like somebody asked me that really oh really so how soon is too soon if right here says now and it says the same times right here is right here though good huh nothing wrong with waiting that's your choice it's totally fine we don't need to judge it we don't need to label it we don't need to pathologize it as society often does you know nothing wrong with having sex early as well it's all just choices and how you want to live your life the size matter or is it the motion in the ocean it's the size that matters because there's no motion okay typical reality show conversations okay I've watched episode 1 now let's go to episode 2 I have to think about how we look physically because they can't see it oh my gosh okay that's very sweet again I'm always skeptical I'm like well we got eight more episodes left in the season these reality TV shows tend to like to have a story arc and so we'll see what happens with this couple but man this is a pretty sweet moment again they both know they're being filmed but I don't know they this too they seem genuine in a in a way I could be reading it wrong but they both seem to actually be trying to find someone to fall in love with I feel like this but man they already agreed to marry each other before they ever saw each other and they've only even talked to each other I think for a few days or something so it's just pretty amazing having said that plenty of people get married after just a few days my brother proposed to a woman after I think just a few days and they've been married for twenty thirty years now whatever floats your boat environment has allowed me to date outside my race without even knowing mainly because Cameron and i's connection was so strong that i really didn't care what color he was it just turns out that he was white you're so handsome it is sort of interesting to think about if we weren't allowed to see people and we were only allowed to talk to them if there would be more mixed-race couples there's a lot of people who will say I don't take black people or I don't date white people or I don't date Asians all right yeah and I wonder if there would be more mixing if people didn't see the color of the skin before they actually gave the person a chance through conversation all right there would be a suspect there would be more mixed race of people and maybe this is an example of that I don't know and myself coming from a mixed-race family my dad is Japanese American my mom is European American I always love it when people are in mixed-raced couples I when I see them at the mall and at the park I always just think another couple that took that leap and is contributing to the diversity of our society breaking down those barriers it's you know that the true sign of progression of a society is when these kinds of racial barriers we can begin to blur sitting on the carpet right now I'm literally so close to the screen are you really I'm literally sitting on the carpet right now like crisscross well you just go in so aside from judging the liberal use of the word literally which I am guilty of sometimes is again it's it's interesting to see into essentially people's hearts in this moment literally just joking figuratively in fact that you can kind of sense their hearts getting involved in this they're getting close to the screen they are feeling the vibes they feel that closeness there's a lot of conceptualization and theory around this that of course we all have a need for attachment we all have most of us have a need for love and for romance and sex not everybody but most of us were designed to some extent to procreate right and so there's a lot of our brain systems if you will centered and focused on moments like this to fill us with all those wonderful feelings it's also the thing that makes the world go round right love and poems and the love songs and I'm in love with my wife I I certainly feel those feelings and we can talk about all the theory around it all we want but it's a it's one of the most human experiences that we can have other animals have it too from what I gather but it certainly is a human experience and you kind of you see it playing out you know they're they seem to be having those feelings like oh you know I kind of I kind of feel something for you in particular and I'm having those butterfly feelings and I'm sitting on the ground and oh you're sitting on the ground and and you know we just have so many hopes and dreams and they all kind of manifest in this moment when it's all clean right again it's a reality show I'm guessing some of these people are going to start fighting and so it's in this moment you're you're you have there's no complication there's no fights in the past there's no disappointment there's no hurt and so all of our hopes and dreams get put into this it's a good thing that's again what gets these things moving you know I want to carry that on I want to have a family of my own someday and I want somebody to walk by my side I'd to walk in front of I ignore that yeah so that's an interesting phrase I want someone to walk by my side not in front of that should quite sure what that means will you be my wife oh my god will you marry me yeah we will yeah baby it's very touchy to decide when to reveal my sexuality to Diamond because I'm just not sure how she'll handle it so it sounds like Carlton is referring to a sexual identity that he hasn't revealed yet to Diamond I'm guessing he's referring to bisexuality it's it's not clear I'm sure it'll come out later I'm guessing and yeah it does bring up an interesting question you know do you tell people right away that you're bisexual or do you wait until a later point it's a touchy question because on one hand it's pretty easy to say from the outside well you know just just tell him right away certainly if we lived in a society that accepted bisexual people in the same way that we accept heterosexual people that would be the thing to do but we live in a society that oppresses people and you can literally be killed for having a sexual identity of bisexuality so people have reasons for keeping that close to the vest sometimes so when is the threshold when you do reveal that and you know is it anyone's business to some extent but we got to think about diamonds feelings when would she want to hear about that is it fair that he hasn't told her yet and they'd fallen they've gotten engaged and she doesn't know that her fiance is bisexual he didn't give her the benefit of the doubt that he didn't believe like she would be cool with it and he could be perceived that he deceived her and that she could be hurt by that deception the bottom line is is that as a society we got to move forward on this people things are getting better and they're better than they were before but they're not there yet as evidence as to why Carlton feels like he has to keep that close to the vest and you know in his voice you just hear the suffering that he's feeling the the rejection that he's had about a sexual identity not only from romantic partners but from society as a whole maybe from his family who knows it's just it's heartbreaking you know the the position that Carlton is put in it's it's it's awful but now diamonds are part of this situation so I'm guessing since this reality TV show they will show all of that play out on the TV show I just have to say it must be so weird to finally see them in person because you know they're not it's over several days that they're talking and then they finally get to see each other one - it'd be so weird to have that all filmed and there's like 15 cameras pointed at you in four weeks we'll be getting married my biggest worry is that someone that I'm super in love with and want to marry I won't be able to walk down the aisle because she just can't be married to someone like me is it true that you still feel the same way you felt last night about me I don't know wait really yeah oh okay ah Jessica would be a good wife but after my dates with Amber and LC I'm scared to have to pick between any of these girls because I know all the qualities that they have and all the good things that can come from each each person so I'm sure a lot of you are thinking oh he's a therapist he's a psychology person you know what are his analyses of these people's personalities this barnett guy he's like a douchebag right I don't have anything to say because I can't tell based on the limited information that this show is presenting plus they could be putting on an act plus they could be very you know sort of scared they're on camera maybe they're not really revealing themselves plus they're dating and when you're dating there's a lot of differences in your personality that you're going to present is sort of a natural thing so I can't say anything about their personality plus I don't really see anything that's diagnoseable at this point oh this is just normal humans dating and trying to navigate this so I I'm guessing as the show progresses I will have more things to say about the personalities but at this point all I'm seeing are people that are just dating and they're just trying to do their best given the given the situation I will say that this scenario is extremely cringy to me watching this woman get essentially rejected on international television she signed up for it she knew she was getting into but that's got to be rough it's bad enough being dumped in the real world it's got to be on a whole other level in front of billions of people on the planet oh I think I should go why because I don't follow people like you what does that mean like I'm not playing this game with you I'm not trembley's I'm trying to feel everything out right now I'm trying to move why did you I don't know why you said everything you said to me then what are you trying to figure out my freaking heart man your heart about what I just don't know what the feeling I'm trying so hard I don't know what's wrong we have our first attachment injury this woman I think her name's Jessica is she's hurt you know she extended herself out there and she got rejected that's an attachment injury that's that's rough it's also humiliating a certain level she's having that her feeling as a primary emotion and then it's it's being masked by anger she's coming out with anger she's saying you're playing a game there's something wrong with you this is very common for people when they're hurt in romantic relationships to do this it's not particularly functional it's normal to do there's nothing abnormal about what Jessica's doing but in my office when I'm talking to people I try to help them to go back to basics you're hurt you're humiliated that's awful there's there's no debate around that of course you're gonna be hurt you liked this guy you extended your hand to him and he you know said I he doesn't want to date you anymore and you know that's rough it's hurts is it fair for her to lash out at him I don't know it's me either you behold her I'll tell you from III don't I don't think he deserves it she's basically accusing him of purposely making her fall in love with him and so she could so he could reject her maybe he did do that it doesn't seem that way it seems like he genuinely liked her but he likes someone else more you know that that happens sometimes I'm not defending him who knows maybe this guy is a douchebag maybe in later episodes you know more will be revealed but at this point she's reacting normally but again it's not exactly functional a more functional differentiated approach would be too Wow that hurts KLI or just to walk out just be like okay I guess we're done here you walk out you really hurt my feelings my thought you liked me and you didn't and that really is disappointing and I'm you know I'm pretty hurt by that it's more mature more differentiated and really you're taking care of yourself at that point because you're allowing your true feelings to be revealed in a in a functional way maybe it even gives this guy a chance to say he's sorry you know that he feels bad and maybe he can say something that helps her like look I I have feelings for you too I'm just really sorry but I I had I have feelings for someone else more than you I didn't do that on purpose you know so that allows for a different experience at this point she's kind of setting up a situation where she's going to walk away feeling betrayed feeling tricked feeling bamboozled feeling humiliated that's not usually the best sort of precedent or narrative you want to have around situations like this again I want to point out is extremely normal ninety-nine percent of people would at least have feelings like her but usually I try to provide therapy for people in a way that helps them to grow from the experience and have it be an experience that will help them in the future rather than one that will hinder them she's kind of going in the direction of hindering herself let's watch a little bit more of this now you're trying to figure it out like I know a million guys like you that's a load of [ __ ] there's people that don't know what they want and that's you you don't know you what so again that anger she's accusatory you don't know what you want he actually is saying the opposite he he does know what he wants he just doesn't want her and you know that's awful for her that's hurtful but it's not it's not that he doesn't know what he wants he just doesn't want her at this point she's starting I don't know what's going on in her head but again I can't analyze people I can only comment on what is on this reality TV show but we're starting to see a bit of her vulnerabilities here she seems very sure of herself and in terms of her reactivity to this she seems like on a dime you know she went from wanting to marry him to boom he's a you know he's a piece of crap and you know it's it's an interesting transition that she's going through again I get it it's it's everyone's been through this I feel for her believe me it's just awful to watch but you know she's heading in a direction here and we'll see how this plays out some more you told me last night that you were ready to like propose to me that's insane you literally said that last night I like you I'm not even entertaining this conversation so she does bring up a point in that last night he did say that to her he was also saying it too he's like he was actually saying it to three women and you know that's a valid criticism of like well if you're thinking about three women you were giving the impression like you weren't falling in love with three women that you were only in falling in love with me and so that didn't give me a chance to kind of know where I stood and now all of a sudden boom the next day you're you're throwing me off you now I will say that the women knew that he was connecting with the other women because the women were talking and so all three women knew that there were that Barnett was interested in three moments so it wasn't like they were completely off-base here it's a valid criticism it's like he could have been more honest he could have been like look I have a lot of feelings for you but I'm not gonna lie I have feelings for other women too and I don't really know to do and I just want to be honest with you that I'm still trying to figure that out and I apologize you know there's nothing wrong with being confused about that particularly in this kind of format so you know I think she brings up a point there yeah this is embarrassing [Music] I could do without the music I will say this reality TV show doesn't have as many of the tropes that reality I don't have commercials so they don't have that build-up to commercial and then the the recap and it's just everything strong out but the music is I could do without it I'm pissed because I had visualized Burnett as someone I could spend the rest of my life with yesterday I was thinking Marc Marc Marc and Barnett came and distracted me with this game so I really hope that I didn't mess it up with Marc he is just everything everything I've ever wanted and so much more what's up so I didn't show it I didn't record that part of it as I was watching it but she had a choice to make it to Dean Barnett and Mark here and she chose Barnett and turned down mark and that was devastating to mark and so now you know they're having another conversation here and it's interesting that Jessica I think that's her name is framing it as the whole time it was all about mark and and Barnett distracted her rather than she wasn't really into mark and and because she got dumped by Barnett now she feels like she has to find someone which has the smell of reality TV show motivation of like because from what I understand if they don't go on to stage two if they don't find someone in the pods to marry so she could be like I don't wanna be kicked off the show episode two so I better find someone and marks into me and so now I got to get them back that's what it kind of looks like to me can't accuse her maybe she genuinely loves mark I don't know let's see what happens I'm so sorry I feel like session [ __ ] it's like I don't know I felt like ad think I didn't know what was happening I swear though like I it was him like I swear to God babe I was so confused you know I'm sorry I'm just I'm sorry like it's cut off like it is totally cut off I'm not seeing him anymore Burnett is definitely not want baby I don't want to date anybody else I know my worth like a thousand percent and I'm not second fiddle I have found someone who I I've worked so hard to like think of a dream of in my head God like you are just like this perfect person and I cannot wait to meet you and touch you oh my god I have longed for this for so long that seems genuine this is pretty interesting to see again we'll see how this all plays out in the coming months but yeah these two seem like they genuinely like each other everybody's like had something in their past but like you gotta love yourself and you gotta trust and let other people love you for who you are and if they can't then you know it's simple darn day to say it's cruel are you huh ha are you humming behind [Music] so that was interesting on one level to vulnerable people talking and which is wonderful to see on the other hand it ended in that she was like uh-huh and he's like are you a hyung or a hyung just seemed like a little slightly abrasive to me I'm not sure there's there's other ways to ask that nice to see people fall in love all right let's go into episode number three I just told her something and I know it's cat yeah that's one of the things that people don't often talk about which is the pain that people go through and they have to break up with someone it's it's painful I mean if you're a human being it's it hurts you don't want to be the source of someone else's pain it's you feel ashamed you feel guilty we have a human need to do right by other humans and when we're not doing right by other humans when they're so disappointed and so hurt by us it hurts so he's exhibiting that which means he's human which is good to see it's for sure the toughest decision I've ever had to make who will he choose Elsie or the other one amber so I've tried to think you know what my future holds and like you know what's the right decision for me you know I have to follow my heart it's not ulc I literally can't even cry anymore about I know you know like you just don't have any regard for what you're doing to people otherwise you wouldn't have done this to me I would have never never let you get to this point if it were me instead of you in that position this is my real life and my real feelings and oh you're not really the person I thought you were honestly hi Marie my if I'm walking out they don't again we're not privy to all the conversations they had I mean maybe he was extremely manipulative and lied a lot somehow I suspect that's not what happened but you know maybe it did she like Jessica was hurt she just got dumped and humiliated in front of billions of people on the planet this also means that they're basically kicked off the show which when you're watching other reality TV shows you know that people take that very hard I mean even the Great British Bake Off show which there is basically no price other than a cake stand and some weird-looking flowers people when they're kicked off of the show you know it's devastating them people talk about how it's like the worst moment of their life and it seems genuine to them so she is being humiliated most of us have been dumped at some point in our life which is what you know could be awful right even minor dumps can be awful but imagine being filmed the whole time and like everyone's like yep you're second best to some other woman I mean that's just got to be rough and so it's hurt it hurtful and you're you know you're having a lot of feelings about it and it's easier to transform that into anger and to be like dah dah dah and it's also a defense I will point out that it's a defense that is not necessarily dysfunctional to switch it around in your mind to say like oh he's evil you know that's how I'm gonna protect myself because basically there's two choices that we can make when were in Elsie's position we can choose the sort of what I might call the accurate differentiated point of view of just like oh we had we hit it off we had feelings I extended myself I took a chance turns out he likes someone more than me maybe we would have worked out maybe we wouldn't maybe he's making the right choice maybe he didn't none of us will know because none of us can look into the future maybe I dodged a bullet maybe I did it maybe he's the one that's differentiate a point of view I'm hurt I'm gonna telling look you really hurt my feelings I wish you would have chose me but all's fair in love and war and you know you chose someone else and you know God bless you I wish you the best I'm really sad Jessica and LC are choosing this other route where it's like screw you you were playing with me the whole time and you treated me badly and you know what you're actually a bad person you know what I'm glad you didn't you didn't choose because you just revealed you're a bad person that doesn't seem to be an accurate narrative but it is self-protective in that it helps you to walk away from a situation of just like well I didn't just pass up on my soulmate I dodged a bullet who thank God I got away from that one that actually can be and I think research supports this that you know in some situations that can actually be protective and helpful in the grieving process it's like well I didn't want him anyway you know makes it less complicated imagine if Elsie took the purely differentiated point of view of just like maybe we were soul mates and you know that could be a different form of ongoing pain right other than like he was a douchebag he tricked me I dodged that bullet screw him now there's pros and cons to each path right the angry narrative helps you to move on because you're not gonna lament the past you're gonna be like oh yeah I'm glad to be done with that guy but the negative part of that narrative is that now the next time you meet someone you're gonna be like is this guy gonna use me is he being really truthful I might not feel comfortable open up to them which can cause them to feel like they don't want to open up to me which causes me not to ever meet anybody because I'm too walled up with people or I'm too reactive to people the next time someone shows any sign of you know like they don't want to say hey let's go on a date tomorrow and they're like you know I think I'm just gonna stay in and chill by myself I just need a kind of a recharge day and maybe that triggers cuz it reminds you of Barnett and how he dumped you and you're like oh you're doing this to me and you react badly so I generally don't recommend adopting an angry distorted narrative now unless it's justified which it can often be but doesn't seem justifying this situation if I was with LC and she was my client I'd recommend taking a more differentiated approach because that approach is sad it's disappointing it's a bummer there's a lot of grief in that situation there's a huge loss there but you don't walk away with jaded Ness and distrust and other people and also distrust in yourself in terms of your ability to gauge people's truthfulness I mean you know if she adopts the narrative story that the negative narrative she also walks away with the notion of like well how did I allow myself to get tricked am i that stupid I am NOT a good gauge of other human beings I originally thought this guy was for real and now I realize he's not for real so I'm not a good gauge of that I can't gauge when in fact she might have actually been a good gauge of someone who was being for real because it looks like he was for real but overall I just feel bad for LC you know it's it's rough to get dumped particularly on international TV not ever feel that sure about me ever I'm just here because I was scared and runs like I don't know what I'm doing to do that or am I just like like in my mobile person there's I don't think that I am I don't know what I'm doing wrong clearly I don't come about seeing it I don't know what's going on like I I'm just like I'm [Music] again I could do without the music but Wow yeah I feel so bad for LC I mean she seems like a genuine person she seems like she was genuinely you know having feelings for him and now she's triggered to believe that she's unlovable she's like this isn't the first time it's happened it's heartbreaking it just makes you want to be like LC you seem like a nice person you know keep trying you'll find your guy you know it takes time it's hard to find the right person sometimes don't give up yeah that's it's it's heartbreaking it almost seems like from the time she left and this interview now she kind of adopted a more there's actually something wrong with me you know what's wrong with me and that is a narrative also that we don't want to adopt it's just heartbreaking to see you know she seems like she's genuinely hurt and that's that's very sad makes me sad [Laughter] [Music] haha gosh again it's just got to be so weird right if they have genuine feelings for each other to finally be able to see the person in 3d I mean because you probably have a vision in your head of what they look like and there's probably no way that the vision is actually like the reality [Music] [Music] this is just me but all I could think of when I see this scene is like hey hug him back he's hugging you you're keeping your arms in reciprocation I don't know how he's receiving it but if I hug someone and they kept their arms and I'd be like are you gonna hug me back I don't know that's just me oh yeah there it is now she's hugging you one-handed keepin that hand in hello Mexican police come to this lady don't get you she crazy I had to speak the craziest person in the house you thought was I'm afraid of you crazy I know definitely one look at that type of man that's not right you better be happy and pretty yes I get away with something a little pretty okay oh damn and I stood a long time with my state my state like leave okay watch your words here come on chill Oh cousin is definitely different energy than what we had in the pot I don't know if he's nervous or if he's uncomfortable with something he made daddy feel good that's why you have a head on you must like oh my sleep you won't when I say mommy mm-hmm when I mother I would love that one hey Joanna says do not [ __ ] touch no I would not with it whoa yikes yikes what is happening Carlton seemed like such a nice dude in the pods and now he's what is happening you know again you always have to wonder did the producers put him up to this is he putting on some kind of act but if we take it for face value he is certainly putting up a wall and trying to push her away which is indicative of insecurity he's worried he's going to get rejected possibly because of his sexuality which he has not revealed to her yet and maybe he's preemptively sabotaging the situation so that he has some control over this scenario we do that when we predict that we're going to get rejected we it feels better to kind of get control over that and to reject the person first or push them away and say well you know yeah sure they rejected me but it was because I pushed them away and you could also if you think you're gonna get rejected it's make you change your warm feelings for someone right and maybe for Carlton when he was in the pods it was easier for him to just be himself and to feel like he's going to be accepted because there's no in-person risk and now that he's in person he's like oh boy you know now it's getting real now we have to actually talk about who we really are it's not just a fantasy in a pot anymore what if she doesn't like what I have to say and this is his reactivity to it I have to say it's pretty cringe-worthy to point out if he was talking with me I would say let's sift to the feelings totally normal you know how would you like to tell her I more differentiated but sure way would be to say so I'm really scared I have something to tell you I'm sorry I didn't tell you before but I I feel like you need to know and if you hate me for it I'm sorry but I really hope you don't hate me for it and I hope that you can still think of me as the person you thought of earlier and then just tell her you know give her a chance and then talk it out maybe she gets angry because you just you've it feels like to her like you deceived her which is you know an argument one could make and you you hear her and you received that and you're just like yeah I you know you're right you're right to be angry at me I hope you can forgive me and I promise that I'm not going to do that ever again that the reason why I was secretive about it was because our society and I didn't want you to checked me I was worried about it I thought maybe if I could tell you in person it would make it easier I don't know maybe I made a mistake have the conversation make the apologies you know talk about your experience and we'll see what he does with this I I don't know I believe in him I think that he can do it well in essays Carlton's wife oh god I do that yes I would do that one if I'm your wife yeah I'm saying we said I got it out oh we so he's adopting something I saw a lot in young men when I would treat them particularly teenagers there's this tough-guy persona that is very easy for young men to adopt it's it seems like they're almost born with it they're not they're programmed it's programmed into their head from all the movies and and you know music videos and their friends and all this kind of stuff it's this just like you know I don't care and I'm cool with whatever you know I'm chill whatever and there's nothing wrong with being chill there's nothing wrong with relaxing but there is something incredibly transparent about these kinds of attitudes I can't tell you how many times it's normal but I have to say as a therapist who treated a lot of young men a lot of teenage boys it would get a little old sometimes it was you know just time and time again girls would do this too for sure there was a fair amount of young women and teenage girls who were like this as well and it's just like can we please get past this defense so that we can actually move forward because the sooner you can actually admit you have human feelings that the faster you're gonna feel better the faster you're gonna get your needs met and the faster whatever kind of symptom is going wrong in your life is going to go away right now I'm guessing Carlton is he wants to if he wants acceptance and he's preemptively acting tough because he believes that if he gets rejected you can be like well I never cared anyway or something I don't know it's pretty ugly to be honest but I hope the best room walking down oh okay ain't no turning back Oh what you gotta figure out you gotta move it together what do we and I come in diamond she is doing a wonderful job of holding on here lesser people would have really gotten into it with him at this point cuz he is not making it easy for her and she's standing up for herself which is great she's like I'm not crazy uh but she's also not taking the bait which is wonderfully mature behavior I just have to point that out I have a big secret to tell diamond about my sexuality and I'm so nervous every moment that I spent with her is in the back of my head if I don't roll it out the right way it could just turn into a catastrophe where she just can't deal with it yeah and you're not doing a good job so far that's just you're not rolling it out in a good way so far because right now you're making her really not like you which means that if this does come up and there is any kind of negativity it seems like she's a lot more likely to walk the other way I'm gonna get you up all those things so you can hop out of your feelings right now you know I'm just a fool is too deep again good for her she's just like I'm gonna go to the pool I'll give you a second to chill out it's a good move I know you I can tell like when something's upsetting you and I'm like is everything okay it's just that filly that energy I have with you I never seen this side of Conte and it really hurts me I'm so confused I don't understand there's just so many feelings I'm running through me that I don't even know where to start okay yes are you learning a lot with you I feel like I can be myself completely and I feel like you know when something that's off like you can sense it like I really love you but it's like certain things are like always in the back of my did some things like what like the past I felt like there was no possible way you could like a woman like you it's perfect as you are as beautiful as you are it's just stuff that we have to just discuss because I feel like I've always been in situations where people have abandoned me and have like rejected me first up you don't have nothing don't worry about so there it is he's talking about being abandoned and rejected and that's why he has understandable terror and fear about revealing who he really is we've talked about schema therapy before and there's a schema around believing that you're flawed and that if you reveal the real person that you are no one will really love you he seems to have at least part of that plus he has a real you know justifiable reason at keeping his sexuality hidden because there are a lot of people who will discriminate against him and and being an african-american man there's the intersectionality of all that so you know you just feel for him yeah I do I do I have a lot to worry about you realize you have no idea you could leave me at any moment I have my fully opened up what is that that you want to open up to me well I don't feel like you don't want me after this information what information in the past I have dated both genders that's me like man a female male or female yeah it's a lot to myself I get it it's okay like I have my fears I had I have gone through the thought of [ __ ] you met the love of your [ __ ] life and now my question is how do you know I'm the love your life do you ever feel like you need to call Dean no another no no that is the biggest misconception in the world yeah it is a misconception when a bisexual person says I want to spend the rest of my life with you somehow based on prejudice and bias and misinformation a person in her position will often go to this thought of just like well so does this mean like you'll never really be happy with me because I'm I'm not a man or you're always going to be wishing you could be with a man or something for bisexual people certainly that can happen but it's not any it's not a higher rate than for heterosexual people plenty of heterosexual people down the line will wish that they could be with other people as well bisexual people are no different than that also plenty of bisexual and heterosexual and gay and other identities of people will be perfectly capable of settling down and renouncing all other options so she's exhibiting that that misconception but you know she's giving him a chance she's she's not accusing him of anything she's just like she has questions and she asked the question and he's like setting it straight you know it's that's a big misconception that that's not how it is for me and other bisexual people Oh the biggest misconception in the world men like me who are honest I love people for who they are at the core [Music] this has nothing to do with it this has nothing to do with it like that has never been the motivating force on my life if somebody takes up yeah like I'm looking at you right now but I feel like guys are so blank it's like yeah so this is kind of a critical moment it's a lot for her to take in which is true there are certain people where this wouldn't face them at all I just want to point that out she she's saying this is a lot to take in a lot of women in her position would be like I don't care I'm best sexual too or I've dated other bisexual people in the past or I don't care if you're bisexual do you love me yeah okay well then let's move on but you know it's not uncommon for someone to be like we'll wait so what does this mean and he because of his worries that are somewhat justified and maybe he's been abandoned by parents or other significant people in his life he's starting at all intense you know he threw it out there his fantasy was probably that she would wrap her arms around him and say like I accept you a hundred percent for who you are she's not doing that she's not running away she's leaning in she's listening and he's starting to be like you know I see blankness in your eyes and she's like just a lot to take in right now so it's kind of a critical moment so if I was here I'd be like okay it's slow down let's let's take it easy let's give her some time you've built up a lot of energy to this moment she is now for the very first time contemplating what this means you know let's let's take it easy let's let's give her a little bit of time we might expect some anger from her I don't know if she's going to express that she might have some confusion but there's there's nothing so far that I would believe that they can't navigate this emotionally if they take it easy on each other I know [ __ ] we were literally four weeks away from whether you like I love Carlton but it's not appear for that I may leave this earth alone but I will leave this earth saying I was [ __ ] is [ __ ] deceive nobody and I did one of the hardest [ __ ] things that was ever done I'm not a hider waiter what am i hiding for why I cannot not be myself here so you could be here I just I just need time to think about this and some of you just throw a card Bob I know go just get later so there's a lot of different possibilities of where this could have gone things are still up in the air she isn't overreacting she's trying to take this in you'd like to see her just say I don't care you're bisexual what's it listed to me you know it's 2020 let it go in a perfect world I think that's what we would see it's not what we're seeing here she's not rejecting him she's saying I need some time to think about this like I said even at the very least she might just be like well why didn't you tell me this before what else are you holding back for me I don't care you're bisexual I care that you didn't tell me earlier like you didn't trust me how come how what I'll see you holding back you know is there something else she's not really saying that it appears that she is hung up on the bisexual issue he's a little edgy right now he's like yeah just go we don't want to see that she's not rejecting him she's just saying I'm gonna go I'm gonna go think about it I don't know hopefully they can navigate their way through this okay so that was episode 1 through 3 I think I'll end this episode here and I'll pick it up next time with episode maybe 4 through 6 or something if you're watching on youtube subscribe to the channel hit the bell button thingy so that you can be notified whenever I post something and also has always become a patron of the podcast that's how we know you like what we're doing so everyone out there I feel like I'm on the edge of my seat I don't know what's going to happen so I can't wait to watch the rest of this everyone out there please take care of yourself because you deserve it you really really do you really really do deserve it and you deserve to find the love that you want

Channel: Psychology In Seattle

Views: 208,474

Rating: 4.8844275 out of 5

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Id: RRot2oCPvjI

Length: 61min 38sec (3698 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 25 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

I was just coming on here to post this as well lol. I saw this somewhere and watched it, and really enjoyed it. He gives his takes while also recognizing editing and production could have a role. Its different than other ones I have seen.

[u/LoneLona]

So, I hope this hasnt been posted yet. Its from the Psychology in Seattle Podcast.

Episode 4

Episode 5