1 Hour of Funny Moments From 8 Out of 10 Cats | Jimmy Carr

did you know for example 17 of adults don't class sexting is cheating I love sexting nothing turns me on more than reading the phrase who diss 47 of people think boy Racers are the worst type of drivers and that's a survey of people who have never seen your mum Park in a disabled Bay and then do one of her funny walks into sainsbury and 80 of people say they always visit cultural attractions when on holiday although that drops to just 20 percent when you explain that watching someone shoot ping pong balls out of their foof is not technically a cultural attraction yeah right let's get started [Applause] Ashling yes what do you think the nation be talking about without a doubt it must be the potential United States of trump America is basically about to play the biggest game of would you rather that the world has ever seen and the question is as a president would you rather a woman uh loses a few emails wears a lot of pantsuits racist sex pests it turns out America really hates pantsuits should we take a look and see if the American election is up there yes it's the U.S presidential election Trump or Clinton it's the political equivalent of being asked would you prefer to your mom or give your dad a blowing Broad Street what do you think the nation be talking about um what do I think um what you're going for what's been happening brexit yes brexit's bigger again in it is it the new brexit ruling the new brexit ruling will explain the thing is the issue is it's basically not really should we go or not it's basically trees may look stupid now because she said she's going to trigger article 15. but she can't until all the MPS vote to do it so that's the no problem in it it's so bloody confusing though it does feel like Britain has turned into an episode of Game of Thrones you know what Game of Thrones are all as winter is coming Winter's coming a winter never comes channel 4 news like brexit's coming brexit's coming You Know Nothing Jon Snow he's a friend at school he used to do they used to hold a PN and what he used to do is he used to hold the pier but he used to hold oh yeah the end of his foreskin so it swell up like a blue people JV went to school with are probably trying to sort out the brexit just going what article 50. watch this first [Music] how would you even know what a job is do you get sent do people send you pictures we do we do we'll Skype him so do you have to meet someone before you diagnose them because you diagnose just from a text you dodgy ground you never could you make some more noise with your massive shoes [Music] I mean she should be on embarrassing bodies with a horse feet I've got the feet of a Shire horse I've got an embarrassing body I wanted to check with you it just looks really unmanageable you should comb it now I've got like a hole in my chest which I mean you've got a hole in your chest but it just keeps going in God show us that out what's going on what's going on I'm not a doctor but I'll ever go it's like a concaveness that's disgusting cheers is it that one member of the audience in a white hat who for some reason is like quite Angelic right at the back of the room there freaking me out all the way through foreign Lord do you have do you have a message for us we've just chosen to randomly like one member of the audience like an angel [Music] tell your hat off so we've got standards oh no sorry put it back on I have no idea I'm sorry Brit's biggest regret was it not letting Harry go to Iraq is it the repeal of the cornrows nice 1847. surely was 32. that was that was all Max I'd like to sleep with a girl [Laughter] [Applause] Trisha do you think you're a hypochondriac yes or no well it's difficult to tell isn't it if you think you are but you're waiting to be told then oh you are aren't you I'll tell you what the test is actually the widely index for hypochondriacs okay so just answer this honestly we'll see if you're a hyper contract do you worry a lot about your health no I've got bigger problems than that Jimmy healthy and miserable I'd rather be alien happy do you find he often aware of various things happening to your body oh yeah do you think there's something seriously wrong with your body serious the front yeah it is there's a sort of strange uh swelling at the front I think I've got a big round we would have got there mate Don't Panic appreciate you being part of the team and all of them it's knob gag this is what I call an emergency we're ruling out the possibility that it's the first one he's ever had and he wants everyone to know about it 15 Australian miners were sacked for doing the Harlem Shake so we asked our studio audience is it important to have fun at work yes or no no not asking you know the questions for them really we have you never seen this Joe what are you thinking I'm gonna go with yes Jimmy it's [Applause] good and well to laugh and all that I mean we're Germans we like a laugh we do it's just we laugh once the work is done hahaha of course it's important to have fun at work [Laughter] dick I'm not an are the first few Harlem shuffles I was like this is funny you know like there was Wacky Tacky Thai day then that had its day and now it's Harlem Shuffle day I just worry about the trend this is going in it's gonna be like oh we call it gang bang Thursdays I mean I can see why John and Annie don't like it because obviously you are the fun what grit is to snow foreign [Applause] did you know for example 51 of people say they'll take their next holiday alone my girlfriend will she doesn't know yet but she will one in six British grandparents plan to spend all their savings before they die so kill them now ninety percent of people are happy in their own company right let's get started thank you [Music] what are you talking about that's the name of our first round it's our Palace job to guess the British Public's top three most popular talking points Ashley what do you think then they should be talking about this week what do I think people have been talking about this week I have a guess I think it might well be that Donald Trump became the 45th was it the 45th the 45th president the final the final president hey Kathy you've met um Clinton Bill you met Bill Clinton what how was Bill well I was I was at a dinner I kind of gate crushed to dinner it was a 100th anniversary of Labor dinner and lots of business people there and I thought something might be good to interview so I was on a table with all these business people and we each had a box of peppermints and one of the guys said I dare you to go and get Bill Clinton to sign your peppermint box so I said yeah all right yeah that's a bit of a risk of building it well you've got Sonny peppermint box so I went over there he was he was surrounded by men and obviously seen me at the back he reached over winked at me pulled me towards him and sign my peppermints they were half expected him to say will you suck it and see [Laughter] beautiful news [Music] I'm gonna watch more news if that's the kind of stuff let's have a look and see whether the presidential election is up there [Music] yes Donald Trump is the new president I must say his Apprentice tasks go Trump's really nailed this one Hillary's currently sitting in a cafe crying into a cup of tea trying to work out who she's going to bring back into the boardroom foreign if Carol vorderman is so good with figures why does she always insist on trying to squeeze hers into a dress that's clearly two sizes too small and the award this evening for not laughing at a joke she clearly thought was funny goes to Rachel Riley she looks angry about what's about to happen and I want to find out why okay all right well your related question okay worst thing on a date a fussy eater or someone who drinks too much if they're a fussy eater you could just eat their food done I'm happy see that would be a good thing for you that'd be fine as long as they actually go to the restaurant to start with because I did go out with someone that would only eat um like yellow stuff when I was young he'd only eat like chicken nuggets and chips so so you go to a restaurant you go do you have anything yellow and house of London's very fine custard houses how many days did you have with this guy I went out with him for three years so you're a huge Manchester United yeah I am have you met Ryan I have yeah as well as fulfilling my dream of doing timetables to music I did some work for mutv last year so what was your first dream music that's my day job you might have seen it it's on channel four oh yeah um so I was shown around Carrington the United Training Game by gigsy and Rio last year I think you had a lucky Escape extended euphemism yeah I'm starting the changing rooms and um there were cameras there the whole time it was fine has he gone up in your estimations down in your estimations I mean the stupid thing with him is he got away with it for eight years with his sister-in-law and then he went for a big brother contestant I just bought something um it's quite normal is it Lego most people think their own nightmares are scarier than horror films my friend that you need to become a girl on a first date to see Freddie versus Jason and then on the way home he bought her we didn't actually buy her they went to KFC but he wouldn't even treat her to the market he wouldn't even treat her to the buttons is that she hasn't split the bucket he split the bucket you didn't see a movie and then he split the bug that's the rudest thing I've ever said uh what else have uh people been talking about another Bond movie yeah Homeland now we don't need bond anymore you've got Homeland you don't need bonds yeah and it's way better than the Bond movie what are you saying I don't know I went to C1 I went to see Casino Royale because they build it as it's nothing like a Bond film it's totally different and it was just another Bond film what do you think people have been talking about over the last week is it Strictly Come Dancing is back on our screens and lighting up Saturday night all nation of people I support I suppose what's true Come Dancing I can't say it but I can host it how come you're not one of the judges you'd make an excellent judge on that um because they've already got their job I would be an excellent judge yeah you're right through the eye would you ever consider going on a Rachel would you I would suck I had um foreign [Applause] [Music] I did do one hour with a Strictly Come Dancing X pro before our wedding did you what you thought I'd treat myself before no my husband made me anything to do learn to dance I'm sorry we want to do another job true or false what would you do John if you weren't doing this I'd quite like to be a milkman a real buzzer giving people milk but in my experience unless you've got the uniform it's weird I've got a friend who's a zookeeper and it is an amazing job that's true really it's got a dangerous wild animal rescue facility in Logan's little house in Essex there's an emu and he gave me an Emu egg which looks like a dynamic it's bright green and I made normally out of it the other day is this a rescue center for the animals we didn't get the funding we were hoping for so well it's big he hasn't got a boyfriend so they're not you're not eating and it wouldn't be an emu because it's not fertilized it's just an egg so very nicely with the leopard bacon tiny well that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show which means the final scores are Rachel huh come on you're good at maths do the scores quickly do the scores add up the scores quickly do the math there's no music there's no music okay 17 times 35. [Music] not without the music come on quick 17 done 35. is it 595 [Music] the correct answer future what the nation be talking about over the last week faster trains faster trains between Manchester Leeds and London too fast you'll have to change train impressions for kids like cargo well it'll just go [Applause] it's really quick into the states because it cost s much money but now they've decided to spend 30 billion let's go to Manchester are you saying we should get Concords to matches 50 million well for that kind of money I mean there's other things we could spend that money on on I mean it's a huge amount we could have a free bar on the train for 20 years a river where you get but catfish just come up to your whole body and do it the catfish come up to you hold your whole body you hold this food and wherever you hold it you're so naive those aren't catfish where was it in Borneo you're going this River and these catfish they're like that long they come up to you and suck whichever bits you put your hand in really Carol vorderman has said that um kids should learn maths compulsorily until they're 18. yeah I mean that's ridiculous that's like 40 years no it's 18 years where you came from increasingly important to be mathematically literate in the workplace as if like at what point wasn't it and why would you commission a math report from someone who is good at maths but unemployed [Applause] it's not my fault it's a little bit your fault I didn't feel like people are actually that bad at maths until I saw some bad stuff though yeah what's the worst maths you've seen with and they were looking at this school that had implemented this magical new teaching of Max and I met an 11 year old girl that couldn't work out 500 minus 499 this was after a year of their new magical teaching 500 minus 499 everyone's fingers sorry audience wait how many fingers in one hand five how many fingers in ten hands oh yeah no but yeah [Applause] steal your chop up and then we can get on with the mats ask me a question with 11 in it did you know for example people in Sheffield have the most fillings and missing teeth in Britain finally something to go on that welcome to Sheffield poster 34 of the under 30s don't know how to wire a plug it's easy dad how'd you wear a plug seven percent of men say they've taken credit for work they didn't do and that's according to a poll I conducted myself earlier today and sixty percent of teenagers say they only go to church for weddings and christenings and claim they don't know nothing about no lead or no roof get started Sean's team first what do you think the nation will be talking about the people still married about the snow that well some people are slightly more money than others apparently on the news the other bloke was being interviewed on the news the other day and he was he was saying he said uh he said my bins haven't been emptied for a month and the way he said it was like a euphemism nobody's come round to empty my bin they haven't even giving them a lick your mind and someone just came out and just jiggled my bins sorry if your Bin's been emptied recently uh they were there was a lack of them then and I had left out a big load of beer for them for Christmas which was still there until uh earlier this morning so they have sex with you for beer my tennis expert come into it I was thinking my euphemism yeah it was going brilliantly yeah cleared out have you been affected by the song juicy I tell you what I saw um I was walking along the road just after it snowed and everyone was moaning about lack of grit I saw someone had taken it into their own hands and what they'd done was they put um loads of flour on the drive and then when they run out of flour they put loads of oats and then they put loads of sugar and I was really expecting to see just next to that a baker frozen to death just I use these little sachets of salts what I do is I sprinkle a bit like that right then I get another one out foreign [Applause] stuff that everyone talks about like Panic buying because there's a food shortage people go out and they Panic buy bread eggs and milk like to me that doesn't seem like Panic buying in a food shortage that's quite intelligent buying Panic buying would be if you went out to the shop showing a food shortage and came back with like a copy of 40 times in a dildo is there a business opportunity here what we're dildos no although you know honestly though I don't know what everybody else thinks the same but this weather you've got some Nutters on the road I did see the two guys that drove on the canal this week guys they got their car whatever it was a little tiny Citron they drove it along a canal and it went into the water and it reported that they both made out alive and so did the dog they took a dog maybe the dog was driving you know sometimes you go to your dog you have a go keep his paws I'll do the kids don't worry about the pedals [Laughter] let's have a look and see whether the cold weather is still one of the most talked about things [Music] yes of course it is yes this is the news that the UK is still in the midst of the coldest winter for 30 years a Headmaster in Hampshire claims some pupils are struggling to make it into school because of the bad weather he said of the 320 sitting maths a level 280 were in the example when the exam started another 30 turned up 20 minutes later four people went to the toilet but only three returned then 42 left the building how many were there at the end of the attack many people in the north have been bulk buying food because they're fat greedy bastards [Applause] hello and welcome to 8 out of 10 cats a show about opinion polls surveys and statistics did you know for example 16 of women say they lie about their age from time to time and those times are between the ages of 28 and 53. yeah 40 of men would rather be single than bald so finally some good news for Justin Lee Collins the people think they're more productive when they work from home I know I am but that's because I'm a self-employed erection checker in other news former Bosnian Serb leader radovan karadich is on trial for orchestrating genocide bad enough to commit genocide but to set it to music that's just sick and in footballing news John Terry isn't appealing I could have told you that [Applause] people would rather host a house party than go to one I like to party like it's 1999. everything's a little bit cheaper and I'm not with my current girlfriend quite funny but she's gonna kill me the worst thing is when you turn up a house party dressed as Batman and then you realize a is not fancy dress B you haven't been invited C it's Christmas Eve and D she won't let you in to see your kids [Applause] for example 32 percent of between 25 and 39 Live at home with their parents I guess that can be awkward sometimes for instance if you're a grown-up who's currently watching this with your parents why don't you all just take a moment to imagine each other having sex see awkward only one percent of Brits don't own a TV you know what I call people like that anything I like they're not going to see this and 15 of men have never touched a vacuum cleaner I've never touched a vacuum cleaner in fact I have literally no idea how I got up there [Applause] music for the game has been released Call of Duty Black Ops 2 is the most exciting futuristic slick engrossing brutal Hollywood produced reason you're still a virgin at 30 ever but in other news the CIA has been rocked by revelations that its Chief General Petraeus had an affair General Petraeus was portrayed by private emails private emails is now facing Court martial pointing thing to happen in the American Espionage Community since Brody's wife stopped getting a knocks out in Homeland and the church of England have announced the bishop of Durham is to become the new Archbishop of Canterbury he's made up as is his religion 25 of people do their weekly online shop whilst in bed I do it helps me remember what we need me two veg dumplings a couple of baps 83 of British people are meant to stealing something from a hotel room I stayed in a hotel the other day I decided to throw caution to the wind open up the minibar and I downed all the bottles of bubbly and then I woke up and realized I was in a travel lodge and all the shampoo had disappeared the braids think it's acceptable to answer the phone during sex it happens Mom it's for you you know for example nine out of ten children visit McDonald's once a month once I think that all the kids get in McDonald's oh yeah fat percent of men start conversations with strangers while queuing for the toilet I wish people would just mind their peas and Q 27 of people keep a weapon by the bed to protect themselves against Intruders I don't have a weapon instead I sleep in stockings and suspenders anytime burgled I just throw back the covers and say well I kept you it's the release of the new iPad Mini experts think the iPad Mini will be the most popular gift this Christmas so if you work in a Chinese Sweatshop that tea break might just have to wait conservative Chief whip Andrew Mitchell has resigned after being accused of calling police officers plebs people say pleb is the worst thing he could have called the policeman of course they've forgotten about scum peeler plod Pig bacon Rosa 50 filth Dibble busy fuzz tit and foreign student has sold her virginity this week for half a million pounds I'm not a prostitute said the 20 year old Brazilian prostitute did you know for example by 2030 26 million Brits will be obese did you know if they all jumped up and down at the same time they might lose a little bit of bloody way the average woman loses her virginity at 17. that was about that then all right and 70 of men don't get enough fiber in their diet tough that's the Tory Party Conference David Cameron and Boris Johnson have been described as Frenemies although I prefer to think of them as far the Tories say you'll now be able to attack burglars in your own home if you ever try and burgle me you're going to meet these two fellas please don't hurt me in other news Freddie Starr has denied any involvement in the Jimmy Savile Scandal but these allegations risk leaving Freddie's reputation completely unchanged all right and Cheryl Cole has revealed she needed vitamin Jabs in her bum to cope after Ashley Cole's infidelity I don't know if the Jabs worked or not but can I just say to Cheryl Cole's doctor high five only 16 of people are regularly embarrassed by their partner's Behavior walking in on someone on the toilet is embarrassing I'm so sorry I'm late do you know for example the average mum has one hour a day to themselves that's the thing with mums selfish 25 of lap dancers have University degrees yes most of them Carolina just getting the last joke remembering something that happened earlier in our life most of them have a 2-2 and a French maid's outfit and please 20 of Brits have traveled abroad with their pets which Rises to 98 of geordies come on pet where are we on holidays yes the competition for Strictly Come Dancing is heating up Lisa Riley's odds have gone from 66 to 1 to 10 to 1. hmm she thought ten to one lunch time thank you but in other news cyclist Bradley Wiggins has been knocked off his bike by a motorist Bradley Wiggins was rushed to hospital where he was immediately stabilized by adding two smaller Wheels to his big back wheel it's been revealed the Prime Minister and Rebecca Brooks exchanged intimate text messages our lawyers have been very strict on this one so with that in mind I'd just like to say Rebecca Brooks is a blanking Ginger blank who blank for Rupert Murdock blank to the Levinson inquiry blank to the police and once even blanked a horse while David Cameron stood by blanking and in India this week 50 elephants went on a drunken Rampage after drinking 500 liters of moonshine in other news a hen party from Wigan has gone missing did you know for example 25 of children aren't allowed to play conkers at school I wasn't allowed to touch my conquers at school apparently it was putting off the netball Team 13 of people have been visited by a dead person or to put it another way 13 of people have fallen asleep thinking about their Nan and a survey's revealed lap dancers pay four times as much for car insurance as nurses presumably because lap dancers are more at risk of being rear-ended the Church of England have refused to allow female Bishops denying male Bishops the thing they so desperately wanted poontang on tap did you know for example 48 of men in long-term relationships don't know their own clothes size although if you've been in a relationship more than five years chances are it's extra large only two percent of the Earth's population are natural redheads so technically it wouldn't be genocide more of a tidy up and 94 of men consider themselves romantic I'm really romantic often stand under my girlfriend's window and serenade her with my guitar I say my girlfriend it's the woman next door I say serenade I mean stare and also that's not guitar I'm holding [Applause] I had eight bump last Sunday each handed to him by Louis saying meet me in the dressing room after you written a book yeah an autobiography no God no if I've learned anything it's the less that people know about me the better it's just a book about jokes about jokes yeah not I mean not not amazing it's not it's not as good as it's not as good as this book personally I don't care if a book's been written by a celebrity like Rod Stewart or Simon Cowell or a member of the public like Kerry Katona did you know for example over 1.6 million britons still live at home with their parents and we call those people children giraffes up to an hour to have sex but most of that is necking and 65 of people think Britain is a great place to live and that's a survey of people hanging onto the undercarriage of the Eurostar did you know for example 30 of people would consider moving abroad after a holiday I read about two girls who recently went on holiday to Peru and I liked it so much they're staying for six to eight years twenty percent of Travelers claim to be members of the mile high club I once had a near Miss on a flight to Thailand sorry not near Miss pre-op transsexual and 23 percent of Brits have never visited France which means they've never experienced the thrill of sitting on a cafe on the champs-elysees and being put off their croissant by the side of a woman's hairy armpits and the smell of dog show right let's get started [Applause] sort of thing what do you think the nation have been talking about this week Strictly Come Dancing has started again it's back on it's huge yeah it is huge it's massive although the lineup is a bit well I think most of them should bring a utility bill I don't know who they are I thought there were huge stars on there there's Vanessa Felts you did that I said no I did I did that as well I've been I've been locked in a house with Vanessa Feld so I can testify of course yeah I did when you did Celebrity Big Brother I did comic relief big brother in 2001 with Vanessa Felts and um and she is uh she's she's nuts how long did you last in that Jack I was in the whole week I won it of course oh wow yeah yeah I remember charm and personality yeah captured the nation's heart I I exactly people people just warm to me and I think people kept you in because they knew it would irritate you yeah I'm just thinking like do you think maybe she's just said like I'll come and do the show but I'm just not gonna do too much because I'm a bit heavy yeah I mean I'm not serious or would you no I mean like seriously Oh no you're being incredibly okay great I didn't realize where you were going with this no no you just called her fat it's another word because I'm just saying she hasn't danced much and to me if you go in on a dancing show you should dance Sean presumably you're pretty I mean you watch the show would you go on the show would you go on Strictly well you know if um if my whole career fell apart in Chatters had really no option and a lot of tax bills to pay and situation [Applause] you really go on it if your career has reached a certain point but you you have to throw yourselves up into the sort of like tides of popularity and hope you get washed up on a beach not smash the pieces on the Rock right then well on that on that note Jamelia would you do it what honest to God I get asked to do it every yeah and just hell no it's one of the two biggest shows on TV so I mean do you know do you know the stupid amounts of money they offer you to do that shows I mean ridiculous amounts of money you can buy a house put it that way thank you let's have a look and see if strictly is up there [Music] is the extremely Come Dancing has started again in the first episode of this series of strictly everyone agreed Abby Clancy stole the show typical scouser did you know for example 31 of men say they have a bucket list of things to do before they die number one find out where that Smoke's coming from 12 of British people have a friend with benefits I've got a friend with benefits she's on benefits and 27 of people believe in reincarnation my uncle died and came back as a woman as they died he went to Thailand let's get started [Applause] the labor party held their annual conference in Liverpool this week Ed miliband has admitted to some of the mistakes the labor party made when Gordon Brown was leader mainly that they had Gordon Brown as leader fingers on buzzers I think it's that footballer Tevis am I saying his name right yeah yeah what about the football he I don't I really don't know anything about football but I think you don't need to say that twice he's really expensive and he refused to go on and some big match and there was some sort of round you saw him being like well I'm not going on which I kind of liked the kind of thought of like an obnoxious because I love an obnoxious pop star you know like yeah I love that like not going on yet Axel rules shouldn't have to go on because he's not a footballer it's a good point well mate Sarah I can't argue with that if you're on 200 000 pounds a week and your boss says you won't do half hour for us would you yeah you can't really go no I don't want to today really asking can you go and definitely I don't see why he's still here he's been in the country four years and he wants to leave that's his big thing he didn't want to play because I don't want to be in the country I want to go home I can't speak in English we've been here four years the only word he's got to learn is like kick gold the Spanish for goal is goal the Spanish for football is football it's not like we're asking him to learn Sanskrit it's also said it was a miscommunication didn't he said it because what what he actually said was okay boss where'd you watch The Playbook because of his accent it came out like um I ate Man City you can piss off shove out you're after a piece of that's an accent thing it's just uh to dial it well because he's from he's from what he actually said was okay do we know why he didn't go up like why he just refused was it just had he just realized that football's a bit thanks just one like yes finally someone said it if you look at temaza he's a very unfortunate looking Chef isn't he he does he looks like Shrek's ugly mate I I I refuse that let's have a look he's a great looking guy to him that was a very sunny day she's too strong okay [Applause] this is why they didn't go on to be honest because in that picture I can see he's already broken pretty much the rule of football this is good you see I scored a goal detention seek isn't it let's face it if you're gonna you're gonna go to a football match and sit on the Subspace you're probably gonna go on let's face it you've got to do that and then he just says no it's obviously an attention seeker you think he's an attention seeker yeah who's obviously an attention seeker it's the most attention seeking sort of thing I've ever bloody seen that my friend is how you get attention Carlos Tevis is one of the most talked about people this week [Music] was told he'd never played for Man City again after refusing to go on as a sub Carlos Tevez earns quarter of a million pounds a week to put that in terms the Layman will understand hell the average person is capable of making more than a thousand facial expressions and this is the one I made when I heard that statistic yeah KFC is the most popular fast food restaurant in China you would have thought it would have been a Chinese five percent of men wash their hands after going to the Loo what I do and here's a tip for you is I wash my winky in the morning and then I'm good for the rest of the day all right let's get started Sean well I think definitely been talking about bird flu the approach of bird flu that's coming to us people are very worried about it aren't they my mom panicked but she reads all this stuff and she found it last week she thought a budgie had got it it's got budgie and uh and apparently it was just in the corner of the cage shivering and won't go up its ladder and he loves going up his ladder was turned out the grandkids have been getting out the cage and older him over a globe of the world and spinning it down and it just freaked him out [Applause] bird flu horse run [Applause] [Music] nobody says Don't Panic says Don't Panic if it gets into a stressed situation just move them all inside but that's where we are because compared to what the farmers got in store for them flu is a bit of a holiday really it was a chicken I'd be snugging other chickens trying to catch they've been talking about 20 million people might die after bird flu kicks off we're all right we're blokes aren't we [Music] someone had to say Vic and I'm glad it was you yeah it's just the birds are gonna get it if only Vic and then me and you could just run off together like we did last week yeah well let's have a look and see whether avian bird flu is one of the top five most talked about things this week yes it is yes the second most talked about thing this week was bird flu the deadly h5n1 virus is close to Britain coincidentally h5n1 is Bernard Matthews postcode Richard Neal Dave what else have the nation been talking about this week Wembley is not finished off really yeah it's a breeze I was looking at some sort of report on it said that it's got gonna have 2 000 toilets remember he's not too and that there yeah there's your delay waiting for the plumber aren't they I I thought actually that one of the problems is a language problem isn't it the Australian Builders because they use have the rising inflection when they finish the sentence they they rise up as if it's a question so I think when they say like tomorrow you'll start work at eight let's go probably means about half ten I just like the part that they were bullocking them for doing cook I would make them do it just make it do it all faster that's the answer Kelly people haven't been brave enough to say it but drugs are what these Builders need think of what you can build with 750 million you could have a ladder to the moon for one one pound that's better than having a big Stadium you know a ladder to the Moon yes but if you could deliver Vic I'd invest I've got 750 million to play with I could have a pipe that goes down to the bottom of the Mariana Trench that you could slide down and get fired out the other side [Music] [Laughter] yeah it sounds a lot more impressive a ladder to the Moon yes Mr Bond to build the biggest water slide in the world right let's have a look and see whether whether Wembley is one of the most talked about things this week yes yes it was [Music] [Applause] FA Cup Final the delays have thrown the fixtures list into chaos Chelsea will now be playing Bon Jovi in the charity Shield percent of American men would abandon their partner in favor of their own safety is that true or is it false we now think it's false you are right it is false [Applause] [Music] men would abandon a loved one if attacked by a bear never mind a bear I nearly left my girlfriend when that whale came up the Thames did you know for example 25 of men think their eyes are their best feature let me think buns guns pecs gnats little Jimmy Johnson eyes six best the world's oldest goldfish was 42. he put his long life down to regular early morning swims average life expectancy in the Indy does not include Scotland terms and conditions applied let's get started [Applause] okay Jonathan what's the other most important moment in life people do babies don't they the only reason I want to have kids is so I can look at other people's without being accused of being a pedophile [Applause] dig yourself out of this I'd love to see this it's got a shovel he's on he's on the on your marks John and dig your way out of that one sometimes you're walking past a playground sure he's going deeper before he even starts the day walking past a playground and you just want to be at a watch the abandon of children it's like watching nature it's like when you watch the leaves change in Autumn sometimes you want to watch a kid on a swing you think I used to be on swings before I had jobs and before people judged me and before I wasn't allowed to be in a park before you know it you've been there half an hour and someone says oh which one's yours yeah I'll go then fine it's a nice and sometimes what she says I haven't chosen yet talk to Christian yeah is there anything that we can do to get John chemically castrated you have your kids absolutely no desire tattoos and whatsoever yeah you can't they just linger too long and you can't believe you linger don't they yeah the go on living is another way to say five years be perfect but but I never wanted kids really I just wanted one of those big American fridges yeah really big ones I thought they're ridiculous I get one of those it's just me and my partner there and a lasagna and a lemon rolling around in it I thought I'd have some kids fit out with yogurt well I don't think that I was very maternal until I hurt my baby isn't that a bit late though yeah but then it was fine honestly you know but what if I would even put it back in can you yeah but see if you do have every drug Under the Sun don't if somebody comes at you not whilst you're pregnant and labor have everything you know these folks that lie on bean bags and they have candles no no no no no no no no no no you want to be numb as God intended you want to be numb from the waist down knowing nothing about it until they give you a beautiful baby that's conceptional well [Applause] I've never heard anything more Scottish than that take all the drugs that you can sleep all of them get all of them it's brilliant it's like you only had the baby for the heart a little bit it is really honestly recommended it's expensive though no this is very interesting having children [Applause] get it foreign [Applause] for its lifetime is 200 000 pounds and that's not factoring in Daddy's drinking he's gambling it's all worthwhile when they turn 13 and tell you that they hate you and wish you were dead but then they'll look after yourself what when you'd all they'll look after you all the money that you've paid I'm going to use the money I saved to look after me although I don't have kids because tragically my girlfriend and I can't have children the way we do it [Applause] having children is one of the most important moments in life ever feeling it will be yes of course number one yes having children doctors warned women should have a baby by the age of 35 to avoid the risk of being deafened by their ticking biological clock if you were to count up every hot dog sold outside football grounds in Britain on a Saturday chances are your nickname's Rain Man 40 000 Americans are injured in the toilet every year most accidents are from people slipping on a wet floor just goes to show you've got to look out for number one half of all the people who have ever smoked have now stopped sounds good but when I say stopped a lot of them have died let's get started [Music] Dave your team to go first what the notion be talking about this week um well I know it's been this smoking bum I think the government like reneged on the deal again where they said that it was going to be a partial ban I know they've changed their mind and it's a full bun then we can have like um designated areas in pubs weren't they for smoking and to my man that's lack of in a swimming bus we're designated urinating areas do you approve well as I live here I couldn't give a about what's going on it's really fancy cigarette and it's gonna be quite it's going to be quite tricky like you know if you just cheated death in an air disaster you really want to have a cigarette then I think you put that plane out if you're if your seat somehow gets thrown out of the plane into a pub yeah well let's have a look and see whether the smoking ban is one of the top five most talked about things this week yes it is interestingly the ban on smoking will not apply to whales which is one more reason to visit Wales which brings the total to one we've got two more to get buzzing if you think you know what the nation have been talking about is it the US vice president going out hunting and shooting his meds yeah I mean he thought he said Quail there anyway did you see the size of that Quail it's a shame you can go with bush though isn't it just that would have been nice if it shot Bush that would be perfect George Bush and pops out of a bush and he's blown his stupid face off now red you're an American man have you been hunting uh no I've never been hunting I've been in the forest with a gun but don't threaten me Rich I was doing something else though clouds because because ferrets rabbits you went hunting you sure you weren't working for rent to kill to a shovel ferrets you're gonna go and shoot ferrets in the season is there a season for shooting ferrets that's what they said do you mean pheasants laughs right should we have a look and see if Dick Cheney shooting someone in the face is one of the top stories this week [Music] 52 of you were talking about American Vice President Dick Cheney shooting a lawyer in the face in the woods outside Dallas sixty percent of air passengers have had problems with what the pilot I just judged this on one incident where I was flying recently to Alicante and we got to 35 000 feet he came when I went uh pilot cups and Johnson speaking reached our cruising altitude 35 000 feet on the way to our County weather on route five shakes [Music] that was it a lot he came back on anyway I'm really sorry I might skirts and passengers and what I was in the middle of the announcement the stewardess brought my coffee and Spilled it on me and that was all he was I'm sorry he said you wanted to see the front of my pants I had some block at the back when you want to see the back of mine I think the seats would be a problem like like especially like America like it's like say for instance you got a fat ass in America a lot of people got a fat ass and I would think that the seats would consistently be a problem over there but I've seen a few people over here and they seem like well I've seen a lot of fat people but they ain't got no fat ass I don't know how to do that exactly the right answer it is 60 of our passengers have had problems with their seats the main problem being it's next to a man whose shoe is ticking for example 90 percent of Miss is too commercialized there's a special name for those people tight fisted if you're watching children I don't want to spoil Christmas for you but not only is Santa made up so is Jesus and your dog didn't go and live on a farm Merry Christmas in different ways and at different times some people in the Middle East for example celebrate their Christmas on September the 11th we've got a lot of al-Qaeda in have we and it takes up to 15 years to grow a six foot Christmas tree but just 30 seconds to lob it over the fence into your neighbor's Garden on January 6th Sean begins Jack D what are your favorite things about Christmas Day well first Jimmy I'd just like to say a very Merry Christmas to you Jimmy I hope you have a wonderful seasonal period [Music] we all enjoy and good tidings and Santa brings you everything you want yeah here here yeah time guess how you'll be spending Christmas it gets visited by three ghosts thank you Merry Christmas yeah so what have you got planned well what do you like about Christmas Day uh better stop what about you Jack it's a busy time of year for me you know because there's so much more joy to kill let's ask Christopher Biggins I see something you know if I'm on holiday or if I'm on a somewhere and I think oh I'll keep that and I'll put it in this cup and then it's it's there you see you don't have to go all that mad Christmas shopping at the last minute you know have you ever got anything you you liked Jack well for Christmas yeah present-wise no just well the thing is you know when you grow up you stop being excited I'm being excited about anything since there's three and I realized you've been like this since you were three yeah more or less yeah it's stuck with me I thought it was about seven or eight I remember Christmas Eve lying in bed uh Mimi Brothers in the same bedroom and they were younger than me and about half 11 there's a weird time but after 11 where the kids are pretending to be asleep and the adults know that they're not asleep but they let it go because it's Christmas Eve and there was some sleigh bells and just outside the the house a little bit excited sleigh bells and then my dad lent out of a window so about half 11 at night he landed out the window and he went hey I don't care who you are get the bloody hell off my roof and we were in our room going oh my God it's Santa and Dad's just do you like Christmas shopping no I don't I do own the internet you do it all on YouTube on the Internet it's much much easier you can sit there in your nice pajamas you know with Santa on them or snowmen or whatever I'm painting a picture like that and if I never used to trust it but I do trust it now because I never used to think that it would actually arrive but you do all the shopping on the internet and then it turns out about 150 different boxes all those stupid polystyrene filling stuff and you've got to take all that isn't that right yeah rubbish you bought you buy one little thing and it comes in a box that size and you know you thought it was all going to come in one box it's all done but no for the next 20 days you've got a postman knocking at a door inconvenient times another bloody password assignment and another load of boxes to get rid of and another load of those stupid polystyrene things that children choke on because I think it's popcorn I the thing that gets me is rapping I can't get my head around it that's the best it's the best thing about buying a gift I think when you're enlightened department store and they go do you want it right yeah oh yeah don't worry about that I did it last year though and Mr I got a bunch of stuff went to a big department store got a bunch of stuff got everything wrapped and then didn't know what anything was yeah I had to unwrap all the presents I had my own little Christmas morning I went oh I did the thing that all blokes do at some point when wrapping presents where you go I might do this one like a cracker I think you're the only person who's ever done it you've gone oh my god I've just had an Eureka moment a pair of shoes cracker what I do emotionalize when I get given a present first thing I always say it's a little tip of advice they're very good so whatever it is just open it just look at it and goes and you just go this isn't my main present is it it's just some little bauble to go along with the main present isn't it hi I'm Jimmy Carter the guy you just saw in that video thanks for watching it because uh somehow I get money from that I don't know how I don't I don't know thanks for watching it and somehow that benefits me and I'm pretty I'll see a live show at some point further down the sunny Road good luck

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 25,125

Keywords: Jimmy carr, best of jimmy carr, comedy jimmy carr, funny jimmy carr, jimmy carr Netflix, jimmy carr best of, jimmy carr brutal jokes, jimmy carr comedian, jimmy carr comedy, jimmy carr dark jokes, jimmy carr funniest moments, jimmy carr funny, jimmy carr insults, jimmy carr live, jimmy carr roast, jimmy carr roasts, jimmy carr show, jimmy carr shows, 8 out of 10 cats compilation, 8 out of 10 cats best bits compilation, sean lock 8 out of 10 cats compilation

Id: McytwOjR16o

Length: 60min 36sec (3636 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 16 2023