We spend a lot of time, here on the channel,
talking about the eye contact, the body language, tonality, basically, all of the surface-level
aspects of charisma. But, I want to take a step back today, and I want to talk about
the mindsets that underpin all of those things, because when you're having a conversation
with someone, it becomes very, very difficult to focus on the eye contact that you have,
as well as the tonality that you have, and the gesticulations all at the same time. When you get the mindsets firmly set in place,
all of those sorts of things that are surface-level tend to just flow easily. So, today, I want
to talk about 6 mindsets--that's 6 mindsets--that lead to the kinds of charismatic behaviors
that are going to make your life much, much better, in terms of social, professional interaction,
and those mindsets are, starting with number 1. No matter what, I will be okay. In my opinion,
this is the most fundamental mindset to charisma, because so many people live their life wrapped
in this sort of mental loop of "what if" questions, right? What if I speak up and my boss doesn't
like my idea? What if I ask this girl on a date and she says no? What if I lean in for
a kiss, and, even worse, she ducks away, right? What if I would ask this person to go, just as
a friend, out to coffee and they said, "I was busy," that's it? All of these sorts of things stop people from
acting, from speaking up, from expressing who they really are. Now, in the social context,
what you need to realize is that the repercussions for even the worst case scenario of every
single one of these, are not so bad. You'll recover from this. If your boss doesn't like
the idea, fine, move on. If a girl doesn't want to go on a date with you, probably better
that you know, rather than spending six months, trying to figure out which signal is she sending
that indicate that she does? So when you can get that mindset that no matter
what, I will be okay, and I apply this to the social theater. I don't necessarily mean
that you need to extend this to jumping out of 40-story buildings, but, socially, no matter
what happens, you will be okay. That enables you to act with a sort of freedom that most
people never ever experience, and that means that you can risk social things in terms of
cracking jokes, expressing ideas, asking people, expressing how you feel. That means that you
can risk that more than other people. And when other people see that you seem to have
this immunity to social pressure, that you are expressing who you are more, they will
naturally gravitate towards you because that is the strength that most of us really, really
want to have in ourselves. The most fundamental piece, "No matter what happens, you will be
okay." If you ever find yourself stuck, not knowing if you should speak up, come back
to this belief. It is so critical. The second belief: "I care more about my character
than about my reputation." Now, this is basically a quote from John Wooden that I have turned
into a belief. But if you take that idea that your character is more important than how
people perceive you, what you realize is that the way that you are matters more than the
way that people think that you are. So many people spend their lives trying to
manage the opinions of other people, right? Well, they think this if I do that. What happens
if I do this? Even if I say the truth, they're still not going to believe me, right? When
you focus on just doing the right thing, worrying about your own character, and, then, letting
people form opinions about you, what happens is people see that you're not overly
invested in controlling how they feel, which makes them go, "Wait a second. If they don't
care so much about how I feel, I can trust them to be genuine." So it's kind of paradoxical,
but if you focus on your character and you stop investing so much effort into controlling
people's opinions of you, what tends to happen is that not only do you feel that freedom
to act and be who you are, but people will have better opinions of you. It sounds crazy
but it is absolutely true. The third belief, and, in my opinion, this
is the one that is the least emphasized and needs to be talked about much, much more,
and that belief is that you have impeccable honesty and impeccable integrity. Every single
time that you tell a lie, even if it's only a little, little lie, like, I'm on my way,
when, really, you're still getting dressed and showering, or if it's a big lie, on the
other side; the type of lie that could potentially ruin a relationship. No matter what it is,
even if you don't get caught, even if there's no negative consequences to the relationship,
the problem is that you build a reputation with yourself when you lie. And that reputation
is that sometimes, you say words that aren't true. Sometimes, you are not to be believed.
And even if no one else finds out, you know this. Now, this absolutely devastates your
ability to speak with conviction, and this is critical to charisma. The ability to look someone in the eye and
speak in a way that says to them "I believe 100% the words that are coming out of my mouth.
The things that I say, I'm fully standing behind." When you lie, sometimes, you hurt
your ability to speak with conviction all the time, because in the back of your head,
no matter what you're saying, you know that sometimes you lie, and that comes through
in little gestures. It can come through in a flinch, in eye contact, in the little waver
of the voice, whatever it is, that is going to break through. So, my recommendation to
you, if you identified someone, which is likely that sometimes lies, is to cut that shit out
today. And the truth is, there's going to be a penalty to pay, right? If you started building a life that is predicated
on a handful of convenient lies that might have seemed worth it at the time, walking
them back and exposing the truth can hurt. My advice, when I get questions about this,
90 to 99% of the time is to do it anyway. Are there situations around the periphery
where it is just not worth it, or somebody's on their deathbed, and you don't need to tell
them that you don't believe in God because they do believe in God. Sure, there are times
that fall under that circumstance, but for 90 to 99% of those situations, where you're
not sure, "Should I tell the truth or shouldn't I?" The answer, even if it's damaging to that
relationship is "Yes," because if you don't tell the truth, you are crushing your own
self-esteem, you are crushing your ability to speak with conviction, and to form genuine
relationships in your life. So, that is a huge, huge belief, and it requires action. The fourth belief is that you do not need
to convince any of any particular belief, action, anything. You don't need to convince
anyone. And I know this sounds crazy coming from this channel because if you've seen some
of our other videos, we've talked about how to be more persuasive, how to get people to
want to do the things that you might like them to do. So how do those two things square
together? The idea behind those persuasive videos, how to be more persuasive, is that
what you're learning how to do is to make your acts more persuasive; it's to increase
the odds that someone wants to do the things that you would like them to do. But the idea
is not that you repeat that cycle over, and over, and over again, and badger someone trying
to make them do the things. You never need anyone to do anything. You are simply asking
them. Now, where people run into trouble is when
they have relationships in their life that they feel like they absolutely need to get someone
to work a certain way. They need the boss to feel a certain way. They need a boyfriend
or a girlfriend to behave a certain way, or a particular boy or girl to like them back
so that they can date. They need a family member to change their behavior, then you
enter into neediness. Then, you are entering into trying to convince when you've gone back
and forth over the same issue many, many, many times. What happens, then, is that your
charisma is destroyed, because you need something from that person. The charismatic person simply asks, and, then,
decides. Okay, if the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no, can I deal with this
person and this relationship in this way that's acceptable to me, or do I need to filter this
person and this relationship out? This can be very, very hard. I recognize this when
talking about old friends, family members. This can be tough, but if someone is not treating
you the way that you'd like to be treated, the answer is not to engage in this repetitive
battle, to try to force them to be something that they don't want to be. The answer is
either to accept that that relationship is going to remain the way it is, or to filter
them out of your life, and I realized that can be hard, but once you start filtering
those periphery relationships, maybe, those old friends that don't treat you the way you'd
like to be, those old friends that don't push you in the way that you'd like to be pushed,
or that look at new hobbies and new endeavors with a discouraging eye. When you start to
filter those out, you start to make room for the type of people that are going to lift
you up. So, really, not convincing people and entering into that filtering mindset is
so, so important. The fifth mindset for charisma is that charisma and
you need to start communicating your purpose more proactively. I know that a lot of people
spend a lot of their lives engaged in small talk, right? When people ask you what you
do or where you're from, and you wind up with the same rote answer telling them your job
title, this, "That, yeah, it's great, we went on vacation," blah, blah, blah. Charismatic people have a purpose that they
are fired up by. And while they're not going to shove it down your throat, when it comes
up in conversation, what do they do? They're willing. They're eager. They will tell you
what their purpose is, and realized this, I remember, I was watching an episode of The
Buried Life, which, if you don't know it, these four guys who had this really long bucket
list, and they would go through this bucket list doing these amazing things--play basketball
with Obama, right? And, then, they'd help other people do items on their bucket list,
and one of the ways that they got to, actually, play basketball with Obama is by walking around
the streets of Washington DC and just telling people, "Hey, we've got this list. On this
list is we want to play basketball with Obama. Can you help us?" And before they know, within
days, they were in a Senator's office; they were making calls to Obama. Long story short,
months later, Obama sees the TV show on MTV, invites them in, and they get that dream,
right? It's this incredible thing happens but only because they repeatedly put it out
there. This isn't a secret. This isn't the universe
hearing. This is other human beings hearing, being inspired by that message, being inspired
by that desire, and, then, helping them. So make sure to put your purpose out there into
the world. The sixth mindset is that you need to start
going first. And in the book Charisma on Command, I exploded this out into six different beliefs.
But the truth is it can be boiled down. Go there first. Be the first person to extend
praise in a group of people that are not very comfortable of doing that. Be the first person
in a new group of strangers who cracks a joke. Be the first one in a new group who is talking,
who shares something vulnerable. When you are the person who is leading the group towards
areas where you can connect more, whether that means being fun, extending praise, being
vulnerable, all of those things signify leadership to other people. They signify bravery because
you're doing that thing that other people are nervous to do, and when you do that, you,
naturally, are going to become the type of person that other people want to be around. And what you've found, I'm sure, in your own
life, is that your being in a group of people that would be very solemn, one person will
crack a joke, and, then, somebody else gets comfortable, they'll crack a joke. And all
of a sudden, the whole group dynamic has shifted. The same thing happens with vulnerability.
Somebody opens up and shares a story about their life, and the next thing you know, you're
going back and you're connecting on a level that was previously not available. People remember
who the first person to do that was and it makes them so much more endearing because they are
the one taking the social risk. Be the person who takes the risk, who goes there first,
and, of course, remember that no matter what happens here, it will be okay. That is the
fundamental belief. So, hopefully, these 6 to 12, depending on
how you count the beliefs, can be very, very helpful in your own life. As you start to
incorporate them, you will find that they make a tremendous difference. This doesn't
mean to throw every thing else to the side. This means that you can still focus on your
eye contact, your body language, all of that stuff, but you want to be building the mindsets
concurrently with those sort of surface-level things, and if you focus on one of each at
a time, that, I find, is the best way to do it. So, I hope that you've enjoyed this video.
If you have, and you want to learn more about how to change your inner belief in terms of
confidence, we've set up a different video that covers how to feel more confident inside
of 60 seconds, and this is something that you can do for a presentation, a date, whatever
it is. It's a little exercise that is actually very physical in nature and will help you
feel more confident pretty much like that; a little bit longer than that--10 seconds
to 60 seconds. So, if you're interested in getting that video,
go ahead, click the link that will pop up over here. It's going to take you to a page
where you can drop your email, and, then, see that video. If you have enjoyed this video
and have not yet done so, please go ahead subscribe to the channel. I have another link
to do so here. We have new videos like this, sometimes talking heads, sometimes Charisma
Breakdowns, where we analyze a charismatic personality, and see exactly what it is that
makes them so charismatic and confident. We have those every Monday, and, then, we have
throwback videos on Thursday, where I cover topics that I've done with crappy production
value a couple of years ago and try to make them more fresh and updated. So, go ahead, subscribe to the channel. Any
comments, any suggestions of videos you'd like to see, topics you'd like me to cover,
people you'd like me to break down, please put those below in the comments, and, of course,
I thank you for watching this video and hope to see you, again, in the next one.
