5 Ways You're Killing Your Confidence

becoming a more confident person is not something that you just wake up one morning and decide that you're gonna be and then you just magically are confidence is something that is built it's not something that just happens on its own it does require intention and effort and shifting how we are thinking how we're thinking mostly about ourselves and what we are making the things around us mean about us so today i'm going to talk about five ways to shift how you are thinking to shift how you're interpreting things and to show you how you're currently you currently might be interpreting certain things that are depleting your confidence that are actually making you feel terrible about yourself i'm going to teach you how to see those things differently so you can start having those shifts to start creating that more solid secure confident relationship with yourself i think you're going to like these ones some of them run a little bit deeper but they are really transforming if you're new here welcome to our incredible little corner on the internet take a second introduce yourself in the comment section below and if you are back again say hello i love being able to connect with all of you either way my name is julia christina and i'm a registered clinical therapist a researcher a coach and the creator of my incredible membership community the shift society that you can get more information about in the description below i help heart center go-getter men and women break through the crap that is holding them back so that they can like themselves and their lives more every day and having these shifts in how we are thinking how we are acting how we are interacting and how we're showing up are going to help us build that solid secure confident relationship with ourselves and the first shift that i want to invite you to start working on is learning to become or practicing being more self-curious and less self-critical so often we are the first to jump on our own backs why did you say that why did you do that what's wrong with you what are other people going to think about you why can't you just get over it why can't you just let it go and we judge and we criticize ourselves and then ultimately end up even feeling worse and even more stuck and just really bad about ourselves because who's going to feel good about someone who's always criticizing and judging them who's always putting them down if we were to project how we treat ourselves onto any other human being we would not want to be around that person because that person would make us feel terrible with how they were treating us and so instead of the next time you say something or do something or feel something that you're tempted to judge yourself about or criticize yourself about get curious what's going on right now why am i feeling this way what's coming up for me what might be behind this why might i have said that what was going on with me is it true that that person is going to automatically be judging me for doing that is it true that it was such a terrible awful thing to do get curious what's going on the next thing that is going to help you build that confidence is and this is such a big one especially the day of in the age of social media is instead of doing so much comparing really focus on doing more celebrating and i know it's hard to see other people who have something that we want and then to feel bad about ourselves because we don't have it or to even judge them for having it often you know judgment is just about offsetting our own emotional pain our own discomfort and putting it on to someone else and almost like blaming someone else for our feelings by being like well who do they think they are and they are not that great and why would they do something like that right it's just about offsetting our own emotions because we're feeling crappy and that's you know what human beings do and so instead of comparing instead of looking at what someone else has and making that mean something bad about us or even judging them for it to intentionally practice celebrating being happy for them knowing that someone else has having something that we want doesn't mean that we can't have it there's not like this limited amount of success or health or good feelings or good life that a human that is available to human beings and if someone has more of it then it automatically means that we are going to have less of it so celebrate and bringing up those feelings through that celebration being able to look at someone and be like well if they can then it means that it's possible and that's great news i'm gonna celebrate that comparison just becomes depleting and frustrating and making us feel terrible and don't get like don't get me wrong here i have definitely fallen into the comparison trap and it's useless i just sort of realized like this isn't helpful there's i'm not gaining anything from this other than feeling terrible but when i can truly take a step back and when i can celebrate and feel good and and and just really just hold a space for another human being's choices life success whatever it is i feel great i get to feel good and then do you know what else what happens what happens when we feel good we are more inspired to take action in the direction that we want to be going as well when we feel when we're comparing we just feel terrible and when we feel terrible our human brain all our human brain wants when we are feeling bad is to somehow get some kind of comfort and usually that comfort is the easiest thing if it's food or social media or gossiping or netflix or whatever that is it's not going to be the thing that's going to be moving us forward to the thing that we ultimately want that maybe or maybe not somebody else already has so celebrating just naturally makes it so that we are able to also not only feel good but be motivated to be moving forward in that direction and then the next shift that i want to invite you to make this shift in how you are thinking and showing up that's going to change how you feel about yourself and creating that solid secure competent relationship with yourself is to shift your relationship with failure this is a big one this is a hard one especially for my perfectionists here you know this one because you know of how many things that you are avoiding and preventing yourself from doing because you don't want to fail and i'm going to say that it's not even the failure that you're afraid of it's what you're going to make the failure mean they're going to make it mean something about you that i'm not good enough that i don't have what it takes that i'm a loser that i'm an idiot that i am a failure and you don't want to think those things and so you don't want to potentially run the risk of having the failure but what if you changed how you thought about failure what if you didn't make failure mean anything about your value and worth as a human being but if you completely unattach it from that and we're like okay this didn't go the way that i wanted it to i've got more things to learn i've got different things to try i'm going to go back to the drawing board and i'm going to reassess think about the things in your life that you are not doing because you don't know exactly how it's going to turn out and you're scared not of the failure but how you are going to treat yourself if you do what you're going to make that failure mean where are you not showing up in your life what are you not starting what are you not trying what are you not growing what are you not building personally professionally relationally where are you holding yourself back because you have this idea of what failure is going to mean about you so shifting what you make failure mean and then you're going to be able to step into your life be able to make the choices you want to make moving forward in the ways that you want to then you can't help but feel good about yourself when you are living in alignment with the things that are important to you when you're not letting fear fear of failure dictate your life make your choices for you i promise you you are going to feel so much better about yourself even though you run the risk of failing if you change what happens when you fail that failure will not slay you the next shift that i want to invite you to make is going to help you feel more confident is a shift in just going through life thinking that you're unworthy and shifting into believing that you are worthy and i know i'm making this sound so simple like oh just change how you think about it i know that this takes takes work i know that this takes intention i know that you've been spending the majority of your life probably not feeling good enough not feeling worthy enough not feeling valuable enough and creating and repeating those thoughts and beliefs in your head and looking for evidence every single day to prove those beliefs that you're not good enough someone looks at you sideways someone someone criticizes you someone rejects you something doesn't turn out the way that you want it to you have a feeling that you don't want to have and you use all of those things as signs that you're not good enough that you're not worthy enough that you're not valuable enough and it makes me think of this quote by someone in the field that i admire most of you probably know her unless you've been living under a rock but you may not know her dr brene brown who is a researcher a social worker phd social worker who has contributed so much to the field around shame and vulnerability and worthiness and has done so much research years and years and years collected like tens of thousands of pieces of data and what she found in her research is that the men and women who had a deep sense of worthiness a deep sense of love and belonging the only difference between them and the people who didn't have this deep sense of worthiness this sense of love and belonging is that the men and women who had that deep sense of love and belonging just believed they were worthy of it just believe they are worthy of it just because they were here on this planet human beings who were here they just believed that they were worthy of believing in their worthiness that's it the next shift that i want to invite you to look at it's going to help you feel more comfortable and confident in who you are and this is a more tangible one but it makes a big difference in here is to make and keep promises to yourself just looking at this logically you would have a hard time feeling good about someone and really liking someone really trusting someone if they kept making promises to you and then just breaking them just not really thinking that it was all that important to keep them not really thinking that you are important enough to keep them you probably wouldn't want to be stayed all that close to that person you probably wouldn't want to spend all much time with that person you might even want to justifiably not have that person in your life if they were constantly lying to you making promises and breaking them and not valuing you and we think about that and we also think about how when we make promises to other people many of us wouldn't even think of breaking them of course i'm going to live up to my word of course i want that person to trust me of course i know a close connected safe relationship requires follow-through requires living up to your word requires fulfilling what you said you were going to do keeping that confidence keeping that trust and we don't think twice about breaking those promises with other people but we break them with ourselves every single day it's not that important i can do it tomorrow oh well not that big of a deal no one's looking nobody's going to notice it's not going to affect anyone else so we break those promises to ourselves we promise ourselves that we're going to be kinder to ourselves we promise ourselves that we are going to get out we're going to move our bodies so that we can be feeling better we promise ourselves that we are going to go to bed earlier we promise ourselves that we're not going to work so late we promise ourselves that we're not going to push ourselves so hard we promise ourselves that we are going to be kinder to ourselves we promise ourselves that we are not going to spend three hours on social media we promise ourselves that we're not going to stay up until the middle of the night binge watching netflix and then feeling exhausted and emotional the next day oh well no one's going to notice not that big of a deal it's not going to impact anyone else and thinking about how little we value our own well-being by just continuing to break our promises to ourselves and i'm not saying that you have to be this really rigid person who does everything right who wakes up at 5 a.m and does their meditations and their morning pages and their gratitude and their workout and their like egg white omelette and then starts a day absolutely not i don't personally think that you have to live a certain way in order to feel good about ourselves because we know our feeling good how we feel about ourselves is created by our thoughts but you get to decide what those things are that are important to you not what society tells you what you think you should be or how you think you should be living but what actually makes sense for you what does your routine look like what does your day look like what is your investment in intentional choices in your life what do those look like that allow you to be feeling and showing up the way that you want to be starting small with these and i'm going to tell you have to start small if you're someone who has a habit of making and breaking promises to yourself it's probably part of it is because you're taking on too much and it's just too much for your brain and it's like this is just gonna be way too hard way too uncomfortable it's so much easier to just not do these things and so starting small what's one small commitment that you can make to yourself today let me know in the comment section below with one small very doable very achievable commitment that you can make to yourself that you know that you can keep that would almost take more effort to like battle yourself to like talk yourself out of doing it than to actually just do it let me know in the comment section below practicing rebuilding this relationship with ourselves we don't think it counts keeping promises to ourselves it absolutely does this right here is listening it's interpreting it's how it's understanding oh well i can just break promises with myself i can just not fulfill what i say i was going to do and how i was going to take care of myself how i was going to show up i just break that nut doesn't matter which is ultimately what our brain is hearing is i don't matter and it's really hard to feel good about someone to feel solid and secure with someone who doesn't think we matter if building your relationship with yourself so that you can feel more deeply confident is something you want to be intentional about then i want to invite you to get my intentional self journal it's a free download it's going to walk you through a process to be more intentional about how you are thinking how you are feeling and how you are showing up every single day you can get that in the description below also make sure you get on the wait list for the shift society there's more information about that there as well if you like this video please do like it share it out there's other people that you think would be helped by these shifts and how we're thinking to cultivate this deeper relationship with ourselves then please do share it with them and if you do let me know in the comments so i can thank you because that means a lot to me until next time take good care you

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 23,153

Keywords: boost confidence, build confidence, Amy landino confidence, julia kristina counselling, julia kristina, julia counselling, how to boost your confidence, build your self-esteem, self destructive behavior, how to build confidence, topthink, how to like yourself more, how to stop comparison, how to stop feeling bad about yourself, how to change your thoughts, how to like yourself, self-compassion, feel good about yourself, stop negative self talk

Id: Q7rdEjltuiM

Length: 17min 6sec (1026 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 14 2020