25 FUNNIEST Norm Macdonald One Liners

dance like no one is watching sing like no one is listening love like you've never been hurt and [ __ ] like a goddamn [ __ ] some gold-plated chains would make a nice retirement gift for a very very good slave college freshman scott d'amiro larry set a new world record by using his head to bust 142 eggs and he now officially holds a place in the guinness book of [ __ ] retards i i think the reason i most look forward to china ruling the earth is that all of their last names sound like slang for [ __ ] sometimes i will meet a lady at a bar got the same disease as i do and i'll [ __ ] her he says to me there's one way to wake her up but it's a little unconventional you go in there and you have oral sex with her i said by god so i go in there i'm in there about five minutes and i come out i said doc she's choking why do dogs always race to the door when you uh when the doorbell rings it's almost never for them [Music] like i'm no expert but i think probably uh most uh rapists are hypocrites you have a boy i know you have a boy i know i ain't a girl yeah and uh but i know you have a boy yeah a new report from the cdc states that only one-third of americans use condoms while two-thirds of americans are still pretty cool there is no problem big enough that a huge black [ __ ] cannot fix well i guess the biggest thing that nobody knows about me is i'm a deeply closeted gay man what orange is the new black but not in my apartment building kevin is the new black hey this occurred to me today i d i d which i had to show it again there's a strange abbreviation when you think about it i is short for i and then d is short for identification hey for the ninth consecutive year nick jet blue air airlines rank first for satisfaction among all north american airlines but you know what ranked least in satisfaction 911 airlines what a terrible name for an airline it reminds me of that tragedy hey how about this the dalai lama said that killing in the name of religion is unthinkable hey thanks dalai lama i'm sure everybody will [ __ ] listen to you no one listens to the dolly no no that just because i come in i order a polish sausage why would you jump to the fact that i'm polish right and the guy says to me well first of all it's a hardware store a new study found that men with beards are more attractive than men without beards more great work from the university of bob seger i don't care if a guy's a guy a girl a guy girl i couldn't care less i love them all what do you make of that i'll have sex with any of them doesn't matter so i say you see that pig that cow you know horse that remind you of any of your relatives she says yeah my in-laws i said your dirty dog in game one of the western conference finals between the mavericks and the thunder magic johnson said that dirk nowitzki is playing like he has three legs which is a nice way of saying he's playing like a black guy there's a real stream of consciousness thing happening here yeah it's called conversation [Laughter] who is the better man okay dr martin luther king stalin what do you call a gay boxer huh what do you call a gay box no mcdonald's no

Channel: LaughPlanet

Views: 386,393

Keywords: one liners, norm macdonald, 25 norm macdonald one liners, funny one liners, dark one liners, funniest one liners, one liner jokes, comedy, best of one liners, funniest short jokes, absurd comedy, brutal one liners, laugh planet, 2020, best one liners

Id: C_IWVB2B7AI

Length: 4min 25sec (265 seconds)

Published: Fri May 01 2020