#1 Thing To Say To A Hoovering Narcissist

so you've been through hell and back with your narcissistic ex and you finally managed to break free but now you can't shake that feeling that they might come slithering back into your life at any moment and you can't stop thinking about how it'll happen or what you'll say if it does so if that sounds familiar this video is for you in this video I'm going to tell you everything you need to know about the hoovering narcissist and exactly how you can handle it when they come back around so first what's a hoovering narcissist well in a nutshell it's when a narcissist comes back around and tries to lure you back into their nonsense even after they've discarded you or after you've discarded them which is more dangerous so if you've discarded first you absolutely want to watch till the end of this video and you're really going to want to learn the best ways to protect yourself but regardless of who discarded first the hoovering seems sweet and innocent it's very much akin to the love bombing phase and just like the love bombing phase it is designed to help the narcissist regain control and feed their insatiable ego so they might do something like show up unexpectedly and especially if you're dealing with a covert narcissist they're likely to come in with what I like to call a phology which essentially is a fake apology and they might promise to be a better person a better partner to be the person that you've always wanted them to be and somewhere in there you've always felt like like if they could just stop being a narcissist then everything would be perfect and right now I'm going to tell you a little secret they know this and this is how they trick you because there's that little sliver of hope that you've held on to this whole time and that's exactly the crack they're trying to break through when they come back around but please don't be fooled this is all a game to them for those of you who don't know me my name is Christina I'm a narcissistic abuse recovery coach and if you can relate to all of this and you're struggling in the aftermath of a relationship with a narcissist check the link at the description for more information on how we might be able to work together to help you through this difficult time between the anger the trauma bonding the hoovering there's a lot to unpack here and if you feel like you need help please don't hesitate to reach out so when a narcissist starts hoovering it can really feel like you're in a bad movie especially if you're not really open to this kind of reunion so here's how it might go down they might start popping up in places that they know you'll be hoping to catch you off guard or they might send you a sappy photo from your past trying to tug at those heart strings they might even use your mutual friends to get to you and it's all part of their master plan to get you back under their thumb and now let's talk about that phology that's an apology that's not really an apology at all I know you've heard at least one of these I have a whole video where I break down the common ones so if you're interested definitely check that out but they might say something like I'm sorry you felt hurt by what I did which is just a sneaky way of Shifting the blame onto you because you know you were the one who felt hurt and so they're sorry that you had the feelings that you had not that they did what they did or they might show up doing anything else that they think will work and a common one is to promise to change and never follow through and we're going to dig deeper into that soon so these half-baked apologies are really just another manipulation tactic and they're absolute proof that the narcissist had hasn't changed one bit because an apology without changed behavior is not an apology at all and so now let's talk about what really is the most mind-boggling part of narcissistic hoovering it's when they suddenly become everything that you've ever wanted and of course they don't do it when you need them the most they do it when they need you the most so all along you may have been begging them to stop lying stop gaslighting just tell the truth already you can handle the truth right I mean you wanted this relationship to work more than anything when you were in it and you were giving them all the ways that they could make it happen but they just outright refused it was maddening and one of the reasons why it was maddening is because they just seemed not to understand things that actually just made logical sense but suddenly when they're without Supply when they need you that's when the light bulb goes off and they suddenly get it see here's the thing they got it the whole time it just wasn't convenient for them to agree with you but don't worry with a narcissist it won't be for long they will not be agreeable for very long so listen if they know what you want more than anything in the world they are going to promise it to you now so they might promise to you buy a house or get married or to start that family that you've always wanted it's all the things they know you wanted out of this relationship but again this is just another manipulation tactic it's a carrot that they're dangling in front of you probably like have been all along and this is what we call Future faking I have a whole video on the topic that you might find interesting if you feel like the narcissist has been dangling that carrot in front of you for months or even years and sometimes it just helps to know that you're not alone and that so many other people have had the same exact experience all right so now let's get to the heart of it the thing that you've probably been thinking about maybe ruminating about for some time what are you going to do if the narcissist suddenly shows up out of the blue if you're met with a Chance encounter that's not really a chance encounter it's actually orchestrated or if they try to get to you through a friend or they send you some savy photos and you feel like you want to respond how exactly do you do that how do you respond and don't worry I've got you so first and foremost I want to remind you that no is a complete sentence you don't need to say any more than that you don't owe anyone explanations and that's really key here because once you start trying to explain yourself that's when they're going to start picking apart things that you're saying and baiting you into an argument a circular argument that has no end and they're always going to try and bring it back to the idea of you giving it one last shot so again no is a complete sentence and no matter what you do you do not need to explain yourself but the one question I want you to ask yourself and the narcissist in this scenario is exactly how things will be different this time and you may have asked this before if you've been through these cycles of abuse before and if you're not familiar with the Cycles or if you need a refresher check out the free download that I have in the description it has a really handy checklist that can help you determine whether you've been through these Cycles yourself but if you have been through these Cycles a few times you may have asked this question before how exactly are things going to be different but really the important part of this question is to pay attention and to take it seriously don't listen for what you want to hear listen for the truth no matter what you're feeling listen for the truth and I'm going to walk through some potential answers that you might hear from the narcissist and what they might really mean so if they start making Grand promises or giving you some flimsy excuses you can put on that detective hat and take a look a close look at their patterns at their behavior and not their words so if they've consistently treated you poorly which if you're watching this video I'm going to guess that's true it's unlikely that they've suddenly changed their ways so if the narcissist comes back around trying to suck you back into their nonsense if they come back around trying to Hoover you ask them this question and then ask it to yourself and when you're evaluating their answers keep those patterns in mind a one time mistake can usually be forgiven but if you've noticed patterns of this person treating you poorly stand strong stand your ground so now let's talk through some of those potential responses here's one that you might have heard if you've been through this before and LA and sugarcoat it's total BS so how will things be different this time oh because I see the error of my ways yeah no they've seen it all along because you've been telling them all along exactly how their behavior has been affecting you they just didn't care until it affected them this one's a hard pass because remember we're looking at patterns and if it was just a onetime thing yeah maybe they did realize they made a mistake but if this is something that has been cycling through and just been a constant pattern in your relationship then no they did not see the error of their ways they probably had 250,000 times that they could have seen it before but suddenly the only time they're even pretending to see it is when it's affecting them no that's just manipulation so another one you might hear if this is a romantic relationship that we're talking about here is that they're coming back around now because well they've just suddenly realized that you've been the one all along all that time they they spent cheating on you and flirting with other people and even that time when they left you for someone else or multiple times all that stuff just helped them realize that it's always been you it's been you all along you see those other things they didn't work out not because the person initiating was a narcissist of course but because those other people they just weren't you so now the narcissist has to keep coming back to you and cycling through the same patterns because of you know some sort of mystical soulmate connection so if you can relate to this one it's another hard pass somebody should not have so many chances to realize that you're the one if they let you go especially more than once it hasn't always been just you has it and I know that's a hard truth and trust me I've been there but like most hard truths it's important to see them for what they are even if it hurts so another answer to that question of how will things be different this time is because they'll go to therapy and this one depending on your situation depending on your feelings and what all you've been through it might be a maybe for you and in all of this I'm not going to tell you what to do and I can't tell you whether that other person actually deserves a second chance or not only you really know that but from somebody who's been there the best advice I can give you is do not accept this person back into your life until they're actually going to therapy or whatever it is that they promised if they promised to do something make sure they do it before you get back into this room relationship because as we know actions speak louder than words and if you're dealing with a narcissist promises come easy the actions to back them up absolutely do not so if a narcissist can get away with what they want on a promise alone that's exactly what they're going to do because once they've hooked you back in it's more difficult for you to leave so they can just kick that can on the road or just outright refuse to follow through because at this point you're already back together and who knows maybe at this point they've already started to devalue you again so since we brought up therapy and narcissists I want to add that therapy is certainly not a cure all answer and it's definitely not going to work for somebody who isn't serious about it really anyone has to want to change in order for change to happen so going and sitting on someone's couch and talking to them for an hour it's not going to do you any good if you have no intention of working on yourself so this might be one that you want to take with a grain of salt no matter what so another reason narcissist may give you for things being different this time is because you know I'm a different person since you've been gone so they may imply that you wouldn't even recognize them now because of how much self-work they've done in your absence but here's the truth if they've been a relationship hopping also called monkey branching like narcissists do they have not done the inner work and what they're feeding you here is nothing more than a lie to manipulate you into thinking that things will be different with that said you can absolutely learn a lot about yourself through relationships and I'm sure as I have you also have learned a lot about yourself through a relationship with a narcissist but the real healing work comes later after that relationship ends when you start taking a look at everything that was wrong and maybe you start looking at the person's patterns so that you know you don't want that back in your life but then you start looking at your own patterns and that's when Real Change can happen but a narcissist will never allow for this and they usually don't even allow the time and space for it to happen so moving along another thing a narcissist may say when you ask them how things will be different this time is um I don't know how how do you want things to be different uh you know I'll just do whatever you want and this one's common and it's also common in combination with some other responses too because when you ask questions like this you're very likely to see The Narcissist grasping at straws to answer them and this is because you caught them off guard they were not expecting to take any accountability in this conversation and they certainly don't intend on following through on any sort of change so naturally they have no idea what to say when you ask them how things will be different and if you're in this place where you're wondering if they're going to come back and maybe you're even waiting and wanting for them to come back it's important to work on managing your own expectations we can put ourselves through absolute Hell by expecting people to be what they're not and if you've been in a relationship with a narcissist I think this might resonate with you because if you're with someone you identify as a narcissist or even something close to that at the very least it's who they've shown you they are so believe that don't believe any of the words they say but For Heaven's Sake please please believe who they've shown themselves to be and this is advice that I wish I could go back and give my younger self so here I am giving it to you right now please at least consider heeding my warning and also know that you really do deserve better so I hope this video gave you a good idea of what to say when the narcissist comes back with all of their excuses and if this all resonates with you I have another video that you're definitely going to want to watch because in that video I dig much deeper into how to prepare for the narcissist Hoover and we go much deeper than just what to say this one's more about becoming stronger and building yourself up so I'm going link to that video now go ahead and give it a watch and if you haven't already go ahead and give this video a like before you go and I'll see you next time

Channel: Common Ego

Views: 7,979

Keywords: hoovering narcissist, narcissist, hoovering after no contact, hoovering tactics of a narcissist, hoovering covert narcissist, hoovering narcissist ex, hoovering after discard, phases of narcissistic relationship, 3 phases of narcissistic relationship, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissist hoovering, narcissist hoover, relationship with a narcissist, discard phase, narcissists discard, devaluation stage of narcissism, devalue and discard the narcissist

Id: 5A0DJNvqwVQ

Length: 14min 41sec (881 seconds)

Published: Thu May 09 2024